[lily22]

So he's shown me his finances to prove what's he's saying. He says he will take care of us because he understands his responsibility to me and the boys.
I don't know what to do or think. It's all madness.  He's agreed to me opening a savings account and for him to pay into each month also.

Maybe he isn't in MLC. Maybe he just doesn't love me anymore even though there were no signs and maybe he is trying to do the right thing

[Nas]

My advice, for what it’s worth, would be not to worry right now whether it is MLC or not. Either way, everything you need to do is the same: protect your children and make sure they will be provided for, detach and start planning ahead. Trying to look for signs of MLC will actually keep you stuck in these early days. I know it’s hard, I know it hurts, but you have to protect yourself from the things that are actually happening right now.

He showed you his finances, what does that mean, he showed you a copy of bank account statements, credit card statements, pension fund… I ask this because I saw a divorce lawyer two-ish months after BD, contacted a mediator and started trying to get him to exchange financial information. Where I come from, you need the last three years of financials. It took him almost a year to finally produce the required financial statement, which is literally just a one page form. There were tons of discrepancies and missing information. For instance, the bank statements he provided showed money being deposited every two weeks from another account. He had actually in fact changed his direct deposit to a new different account, which he didn’t disclose and didn’t provide the statements for. He was then depositing money from that account into the account for which he provided me the statement and he somehow thought I was dumb enough to think that  he was making less money. He provided only partial documents and there was evidence of all kinds of withdrawals and movements of money, some that were clear - ATM withdrawals at casinos, payments to online bookies 🙄 - others that were completely unexplained and I couldn’t afford a forensic accountant.
I also found out that he had been paying rent on an apartment in another state for 6 months, an empty apartment that was for the purposes of him establishing residency before he actually moved.
And it wasnt until about 18 months or so  after BD that I found out about the credit card he opened in just my name, which still causes a sting every time I make the monthly payment.

What I am saying is if he “showed you” his financials and gave you his word, that’s great. But you need to get paper copies of everything he showed you and go over them with an attorney of your own - definitely not just with your shared financial planner.  Maybe he will do right by you financially, maybe he won’t do anything deceptive and maybe he won’t be financially irresponsible, and for your sake and your kids’ sake I really hope that’s the case. But you have kids who need to be provided for, so need to verify rather than just taking his word - whether he is MLC or not, because not being in MLC absolutely does not guarantee he won’t try to shirk responsibility for his family. He doesn’t need to know that you met with a professional, but you should definitely do so.

[UrsaMajor]

What I am saying is if he “showed you” his financials and gave you his word, that’s great. But you need to get paper copies of everything he showed you and go over them with an attorney of your own - definitely not just with your shared financial planner.  Maybe he will do right by you financially, maybe he won’t do anything deceptive and maybe he won’t be financially irresponsible, and for your sake and your kids’ sake I really hope that’s the case. But you have kids who need to be provided for, so need to verify rather than just taking his word - whether he is MLC or not, because not being in MLC absolutely does not guarantee he won’t try to shirk responsibility for his family. He doesn’t need to know that you met with a professional, but you should definitely do so.

[Treasur]

Only you can decide if you will choose to trust your h on these issues and how big the risk is if you do and turn out to be mistaken. Or indeed how easy or difficult it is for you to live with the uncertainty. We often say here that concrete actions carry more weight than words....so what do you think your h’s concrete actions tell you over his words?

There is an Arab proverb which, roughly translated, says Trust in God....but tie up your own camel. Which imho is about taking responsibility for one’s own basic wellbeing and having a back up plan, even if one hopes one might not need it. Or hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. I’m sorry bc this is a hard situation to be in and i’d Imagine that your head is struggling to play catch up on how trustworthy or reliable this current version of your h might be compared to how you have seen him in the past. We get how painful, and hard, this process is, truly we do....most of us have been there to a greater or lesser degree when the stakes feel so high and one feels so vulnerable and overwhelmed. But one can only move forward from where one is and wishing does not change how it is, does it? It is as it is....but it can get better, step by step, once you have a sense of direction that does not depend on someone else’s crazy rollercoaster. Take your time, breathe and think about what that direction might look like if you put you and your kids’ needs first and foremost?

[Songanddance]

Trust in God....but tie up your own camel

The best advice EVER!  for anyone regardless of MLC or not.  Look after yourself, your finances, your children and your well-being always!

[Dragonfly33]

From my experience, I would advise you to make a legal agreement regarding finances. I trusted my ex h and I agreed to all he said in the beginning without lawyers involved because I was scared he it would even push him more away from me and would trigger a divorce. Looking back, I should have involved a lawyer from the very start. My ex guilt eventually expired and he got really nasty in the end. So make sure that when it comes to finances, there should be a legal binding that when your h changes his mind which is very common in MLC, he is legally bound and he cannot just back out from your agreement.

[WHY]

So he's shown me his finances to prove what's he's saying. He says he will take care of us because he understands his responsibility to me and the boys.
I don't know what to do or think. It's all madness.  He's agreed to me opening a savings account and for him to pay into each month also.

Maybe he isn't in MLC. Maybe he just doesn't love me anymore even though there were no signs and maybe he is trying to do the right thing

Lily please listen to this advice.  Even if your H is telling the truth now (and thats a big IF), he's having an identify crisis, and could be a totally different person tomorrow, with a whole new set of values.  It's impossible to trust anything a MLCer says because they change their minds, beliefs, values, personality etc all the time.  It's not that they're suddenly become evil at their core (albeit that's what their behavior appears to us).  It's that they have no idea who they are or what they want and are self destructing as they try to figure it out, consuming the people around them as they do so.

[lily22]

So he's written up a letter and terms and conditions which I am ok with. I'm not delighted but I'm ok with them. He's taking them to a solicitor on Wednesday to get them notarised and making a will?  I'm in the UK so there is no provision for financial arrangements unless divorcing or officially separating.  This document will not be legally binding but it seems that a judge would look unkindly if it wasn't upheld.  I don't really feel I have any alternative

[KayDee]

Gosh Lily, if you feel you have no choice but to agree to something, that's pretty close to the definition of duress. I'm mindful not to add more weight to the pressure you must feel, but please remember, just because your husband is in a super-fast rush, does not mean you have to be. Take the time you need. Take the advice you need. You are probably quite vulnerable at the moment, and it may not be the best time to make a decision like this without support. I believe (although we have hit the England versus NI issue before) that there are other optionsk for instance, you can initiate your own legal separation
https://www.moneyhelper.org.uk/en/family-and-care/divorce-and-separation/separation-agreements-instead-of-divorce-or-dissolution
I really understand this is overwhelming and you may feel unable to face it, but it does have long term implications.

Can you ask a trusted friend or family member to work with you on this. Or better, a solicitor?

Please know, you can take a pause to give this some more thought. It's perfectly reasonable - you have an equal say in this.

[lily22]

I have asked 3 solicitors.  They've all said roughly the same.  The last one was one of repute locally and I showed him this letter. He advised me to do nothing until he stopped paying. He said if that's what he is willing to do let him. But it's ok for him, he doesn't have to sit and wait each month to see does he pay.  If I go for separation myself and the finances are divided I will lose our home because I cannot take on the mortgage alone my job doesn't pay well enough. 
And I am having such a horrendous day.  Today is 17 weeks from BD and the first day he hasn't text me.  He has text me every single day from he left and I've been trying to do smart contact as much as possible but today it hurts and I don't even know why because I wanted the stupid texts to stop.  I think I just feel so alone.  It is so much to deal with.