[MourningDove]

It is already mid semester and I have no idea where the time has gone this fall. This semester in particular has been exceptionally busy, in part due to the complete pivot that had to happen when my schedule changed. It hasn't been a bad start, in fact it has been a good semester for the most part, but today is the first day in weeks where I don't have to do anything pressing that is work related.

Last weekend, I took work with me on a planned weekend away with my parents and sister. It was something the 4 of us haven't done in easily 30 years. My sister had not been to this particular spot since she was in middle school. I have been back many times over the years - sometimes alone. Sometimes with my parents and often with Xh, as it was a stopping point for us when we would visit his family.

My sister and I shared a room and giggled like high school girls all weekend. I was honestly grateful the motel only had single rooms available, because I don't think my parents would have appreciated our late nights of talking and laughing.

My sister and I spend time together and are very close now that we are adults. That hasn't always been the case. There were times when the 3 year age difference and different interests didn't mesh. We still aren't wired the same way and my sister is more like my mom, but now that we are adults, our shared experiences growing up have brought us closer together. And, we both have found new interests that we both can share that maybe weren't there when we were younger. The other aspect is my sister is now finding herself nearing that empty nest stage, which makes a difference in terms of time together.

Even with work to do over vacation, I made sure I took time to go for a long walk with my sister while my parents rested during the afternoon. It was during that walk, my sister mentioned she wondered how I would feel bringing my person somewhere I spent a great deal of time with my xh. She laughed at how quickly I responded, as I told her it was funny because the entire time I was there, while I was aware Xh and I had been there countless times, I kept thinking about how I wanted to share this with someone other than Xh. I found old things I wanted to share, and new things I had never considered.

My sister and Xh were like siblings. They were incredibly close. His change during his MLC meltdown was something she was more than aware of. I know for her, his departure was hard because she was supportive of me, but it was a loss for her as well. Her kids were little at the time, but they still remember the uncle who would pay attention to them and loved seeing them. The MLC changed how he was around them. They were old enough to recall how he left my grandmother's funeral at the gravesite to go meet "a friend" for lunch. He couldn't wait to leave. He had adored my grandmother and it was all so bizarre.

We talked a little about how long ago that was and how strange it was. We didn't spend tons of time lingering in that conversation. It moved to my sister asking me how it now all feels. I told her it is sometimes very odd because I no longer really think about what was. I have moments where something pops up - much like it does when a memory comes into my head about one of my dear friends that passed away when I was in college. Sometimes they are just blips.

Sure, I have the kids and my shared memories, but strangely - even when I was walking the sidewalks in this particular town where Xh walked dozens of times, until my sister brought it up, I wasn't hovering in that jumble of memories. There were little things that would come up and they were mostly about funny things that happened. Yet, I wasn't sad nor wishing for that time back. And at times, they almost felt like I wondered if they had ever happened because the emotions attached to them were not strong. Humorous at times, but not some lingering feelings that hung in the air after the story was shared. It really struck me as odd, considering so much of my life seemed entangled with Xh.

As we talked, I told my sister it is not that I want to erase all evidence of Xh. That would be silly, but I don't find myself really thinking about him all that often or our times together. They often seem very foreign. She noted she has seen this big shift in me over the past few years where I am back to being comfortable in being myself and for so long it was hard to watch during the MLC time frame when I twisted myself in knots trying to somehow "fix" every aspect of who I was in hopes that it would make Xh somehow snap out of it. She noted I never tried to fix him, but I certainly was focused on somehow fixing myself but the truth was I wasn't really fixing anything. I was becoming someone I didn't even recognize.

It is one thing to do mirror work and look at those things one needs to change. It is another to try and become something you are not.

Our conversation migrated to my new relationship. She noted that she was glad I didn't run around dating and trying to replace some void right away. It wasn't that I didn't have my moments of trying to mend a broken heart, but where I am now is strangely comfortable and feels familiar in all the right ways. So much so, that there are times I cannot recall what life even looked like before.

I do look back now, at times, but often it is because I suddenly realize it has been 7 years since the divorce and if I go back to BD1, it is going to be 10 years. The MLC was creeping in slowly and I could trace it all back, but I don't look at that and even just now, I had to really think back as to when that all blew up. I find myself instead, being amazed at how things changed and think about recent past moments - not to analyze - just sometimes snippets.

I was thinking this morning about my aunt. My uncle left after 30 years and I remember her being about the only one who understood. She had been happily remarried by then for over 10 years. She likened it to a death she had to grieve. She took the high road throughout the process, and I have her to thank for many nuggets of wisdom.

I no longer want what I had. I haven't for a very long time now. I grieved what was and it was brutally painful to let go of. I find myself now longing for something very different and those moments that enter my mind that make me smile are no longer about my Xh. I cannot say for sure when it happened, but his memories are packed away like being placed in a box in the attic. Memories that are left to be dusted off from time to time, but not in the forefront of my life.

[Dragonfly33]

Nice update MourningDove. I haven't reached that stage yet where memories of my xh don't affect me anymore especially if I travel by myself to either places we've been or places we've  never been. I still think about how it would be nice to be travelling with him discovering new places or just visiting places we've been to in the past. I still miss his company, if I have to be honest. On the other hand, I am very happy with the freedom that I have now and the new version of myself. I remember it used to be very stressful when I travelled with him because everything has to be strenuous. I never really get to do, as much as I wanted to , the things that I like. My xh was a very adventurous man and sometimes the things he likes to do are too much for me. I just travelled recently and I was very happy to discover things on my own.

[MourningDove]

Dragonfly33 - It has taken me a very long time to get to even this point in the process. My first actual BD was in the fall of 2015, although looking back I realize now that Xh was stewing in crisis before that. In fact, in 2014 he left immediately after my grandmother's funeral - a woman he adored - to run off to have lunch with OW. They were supposedly just "friends" at that point, but if I were to assess it, there was a full on EA that had been going on for much longer than that.

That behavior would have never happened in the past. For one, it was Christmas Eve and we had a family tradition of going out and having time together. We had done that since before the kids were born and then when the kids came along, that tradition continued. The usual day included getting cocoa and a snack while we went to our usual Main Street of choice. There was never any pressure to buy anything. This was purely an exercise in embracing the season and time together. The holiday music and if we found something that was fine. We all looked forward to that tradition. We would go the following year, only to have xh meet us there and be in a hurry to leave. I think 2015 was the last time we went at all.

When I think back, I found myself challenging myself to go places Xh and I had been in order to reclaim parts of my life. I found it was too hard to keep avoiding those things I loved. Now, I find myself sometimes going places with the person in my life that Xh and I went to, but it is not the thought that crosses my mind, tbh when I decide to go somewhere. It is only after during a conversation that it might come up that it is somewhere I have been before and maybe makes me recall having been here or there and Xh was there with me. I don't get nostalgic. I might share a funny story or something, but it is no longer my focus. I am making new memories and it just happens that sometimes the places I have gone are places I have been before.

I only find myself having occasional triggers now in regards to Xh. I had one Thanksgiving Day. It was not anything major, just a passing feeling. I haven't had this feeling in a long time, so it was a bit of a surprise for me. Something happened that made me think of the Thanksgiving right after BD#1. It is rather weird in fact that it came into my head at all, since it has not really bothered me for the past few years - the holiday.

D's BF is dog sitting for an older dog that friends of his inherited after their grandmother passed away. It is the conversation about this dog that shook loose some old feelings for me.

My great aunt had to go into a nursing home after Xh moved out. She had a little dog that looks just like the one D's BF is watching and is a similar age, etc. D was showing me pictures and mentioned the last Thanksgiving my great aunt visited with the dog. She was happily telling the story of the dog being dressed up in some outfit and how my F fussed over that dog.

I don't recall much about that Thanksgiving itself. I had spent several months just holding it together as best as I could to keep things semi-normal for the kids. Xh had listed all sorts of scenarios in the prior couple of months. He was going to buy a sailboat and sail around the world. (He had only ever sailed a small boat on a lake at that point). He was going to sell all of his belongings and move to a poor country and help build shelters. Then came the exact opposite and he was going to invest money and make millions and buy a penthouse in some other country. And on and on. Thanksgiving rolled around and as I was getting ready to pack up the pies I had made for us to take to my parent's house, Xh decided he wanted to have us both sit down and tell the kids we were divorcing and it was a mutual decision. I wasn't having it. I told him I was not going to lie and say I wanted the divorce, etc. I also said I didn't think ruining their holiday was really the best approach either.

He sat down and called the kids in. He tried to get me to cave. I stood my ground and it was so very strange - in that moment he just stood up and said we had best get ready to go to my parent's house. He behaved like nothing had happened at all and was cheerful the rest of the day. My parents had no clue. I was numb and it was my great aunt that picked up on my mood. I put on a good show, but I didn't fool her. We went home and Xh acted like nothing had transpired at all. I remember him crawling into bed and kissing me on the cheek like I had imagined the whole thing earlier in the day.

Thanksgiving after that particular one was painful for years. It took time for me to embrace even going at all. Yesterday was the first time it felt "odd" and it was only after the story of my great aunt's dog came up. I wasn't sad, but I felt this odd sense of being alone yesterday, even though I was in a house full of people who love me. IDK, maybe it was because I sat at the dining room table and while it was in the same room, I moved there when I was in the way of all of the preparations. I was just observing everyone else most of the time. I would converse and I wasn't being ignored, but there was this sudden reality that I was the "fifth wheel" or the orphaned one this holiday, which is something I haven't felt in a very long time.

I am not upset and the feeling passed. It just struck me as odd. It didn't ruin my holiday and it isn't going to dampen my spirits for Christmas this year. I am looking forward to several events coming up that should help me get in the holiday spirit.

[Reinventing]

MD, we totally get this. Remembering that time when we were still firmly attached to the past and how we think the future will be (as any normal person would be). For them, they are trying on a new future and feeling the highest highs of still having the security of home and the fantasy of OW/OM.

They feel freedom coming without having lived the reality of the consequences of their choices. They haven't yet navigated their limitations--ability, financial, obligations--of what they imagine they'll be doing.

It is truly like having our skin peeled off, sometimes slowly and sometimes quickly. When I remember those times I feel compassion for myself. We were standing there bleeding, not knowing how to care for our wounds. We were frozen and not able to do even basic self-care.  We were trying to keep it together so others couldn't see the damage. We were silently screaming, "pick me" while they were moving in leaps and bounds to another life.

It is hugely traumatic. And sometimes seems surreal, even now.

[Treasur]

Another one here nodding along, similar timescale.
There are two types of memories, I find, normal ones of normal things and trauma-flavoured ones. I don’t experience either with the power I used to do, but every now and then one of them pops up. The normal ones tend to just make me feel a bit sad for a beat, that ‘tristesse’ feeling of yearning for lost things or people with a side splash of gratitude for them. The trauma-flavoured ones are a bit less predictable and always, always feel like a momentary punch in the gut.

I’m not sure now that either type are about my former h as such, more about what MY life was like at a given time and how it felt to be that me.

But neither come as often nowadays and neither last as long. And I’m grateful for that bc I find living with either grief or trauma jumping up and down shouting on my shoulders makes day to day life quite difficult.

I agree with Reinventing though - I feel nothing but compassion for that old me in those dark times - looking back I still find some of the detail of it quite shocking. Not sure I even have words to describe it even now but I am still occasionally surprised that I survived it at all.