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Author Topic: My Story Just Getting Started in this Journey 3

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My Story Just Getting Started in this Journey 3
OP: November 08, 2023, 06:59:35 AM
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=12106.0

My third thread, here’s a link to part 2.

W still at home, going on 8 months now. We’re still cordial and coparent quite well, if it wasn’t for her trying to kick me out of the house this might make this a little easier to handle! We tied MC, that lasted about 2 sessions and the MC said she couldn’t help us. That sounds about right seeing that this is an MLC issue and not a marriage issue. Just finished reading hearts blessings, great read, it explained a lot and is giving me the attitude of grace and empathy. Feeling pretty detached, every day I realize that this is something that she didn’t ask for. That being said it’s making detachment easier since I see that the shadow is in the drivers seat at times she is just a passenger along for the ride(so to speak). From what she has said I think she realizes that this is an issue within herself, I wish I could help but she’s got to do this alone, the journey continues…
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BD 3/23
Standing
W Still at Home
Me-48
W-47
S-16
S-19

I
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Just Getting Started in this Journey 3
#1: November 08, 2023, 09:42:28 AM
I am so happy to hear you’re finding peace with it. I am trying myself and I know these things from the threads here and shocksis words.

I just still feel as her best friend and husband for so long I have to help. And I can’t. And she is ruining her life and pushing me further and further away and I’m scared when she wakes up I won’t be there. Because at some point there are consequences. Like I can’t allow her to just decide anytime she is bored that she wants to go be free and start talking to dozens of men and seeking attention emotionally or physically elsewhere. I want to believe this is all part of the crisis. But it doesn’t change that feeling that if she wakes up and comes back am I going to always be waiting for her to do it again? And I can’t live like that.

I wish you good luck Baxter and I’m always here bud. We have been in this journey pretty closely together. Also for anyone who wants I’m adding a link to my Facebook. I have found I’ve been checking this less but don’t want to lose touch.

https://www.facebook.com/masonseason2?mibextid=LQQJ4d
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Thank you,
ICF
BD 4/20/23
M 35
H 34
D 15
D 10
T 14 M 12

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Re: Just Getting Started in this Journey 3
#2: November 08, 2023, 12:28:56 PM
Same back to you ICF,
ShockSis and Hearts Blessings have been great reads, they really helped me get in a place where I understand WTF is going on. It is very difficult to see them go out and do things that a normal
Spouse wouldn’t do. I keep on thinking that she is under the control of the monster, regular W would never do half the stuff she has been doing. That being said I’m working on setting boundaries and trying to give space, i think as LBS that’s all we can do.
See you on FB
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Re: Just Getting Started in this Journey 3
#3: November 11, 2023, 10:15:51 PM
Hmm,
Got an email from W saying we need to separate. She has felt this way for a while
And she wants me to either
A- Move out, she will sign a paper that says I still have rights to the house (if such a paper exists?)
B-Go to mediation, which my understanding is a friendly divorce, I still feel the house will be lost in this
Scenario
C-Divorce, we lose it all

I will do nothing and see what happens but I just wanted to get some
Other opinions. I won’t respond to the email.
She said this is a long time coming and she’s felt this way for a long time.
Other than call a lawyer which I already have what would you recommend?
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Just Getting Started in this Journey 3
#4: November 11, 2023, 11:40:44 PM
Seeing a lawyer is the best thing you can do. Also, you haven't moved out after many requests, which is also a best thing that you've done.

Being prepared (lawyer) and staying in the house is the most you can do now.

Not that this is easy, but you're doing all you can do.
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Just Getting Started in this Journey 3
#5: November 12, 2023, 12:25:13 AM
My first thought - which I am assuming is what you meant by call a lawyer - is to take very specific guidance from your lawyer on the pros and likely cons of these 3 options and your interests. Most likely, bc there is no win-win in these situations legally, it will come down to his/her best advice on the most likely legal outcomes based on your priorities and the hills you are prepared to die on in terms of time, cost etc.

Fwiw I do think you should reply to the email bc legal stuff rarely gets easier if one doesn’t reply. And it makes you look like an a$$ to lawyers and judges if you do lol. But I think you should simply reply by saying that you will be taking legal advice and that you or your lawyer will be in touch when you have had time to consider. You may want to ask for the contact details of her lawyer for future communication about options. And offer to provide the contact details for your lawyer if you are ready to do sol If nothing else, this acknowledges her email and demonstrates that you are taking this seriously and reasonably. (And from here on imho any written communication should always be done imagining what it might look like in front of an unknown future judge and with an eye to protecting yourself from counter claims bc divorce processes often fail to bring out the best in people, sometimes in previously unimaginable ways.)

I would encourage you to stop listening to, or caring much about, anything she says about her feelings or justifications now. The same holds true for sharing yours. Imho once a marriage gets into legal water, the landscape changes from personal to business. It is what it is, regardless of how anyone feels about how it is if that makes sense.

Now is time for you to dig deep and consider all of your available options and which of them will serve you and your kids best in the longer term. That often means thinking hard about what is really swallow-able for you, and how you swallow things you might not wish to swallow if it looks like you have to. But you DO have options, more than those three actually….but all options come with some degree of predictable consequences. Your lawyer can inform you about the legal ones, maybe some of the financial ones even; the others you will have to consider for yourself.

I suspect the toughest thing for you is that you are going to have to swallow a few things you really really don’t want to. And we get that bc most of us have been there. The first is that your marriage as it was is over and this is the way that it is ending by your wife’s choice. At least as far as you can see right now. The second is that you are going to have to coparent in some way and have less time with your children than you do now. The third is that, unless you can afford to buy her out and set in motion ways to do so, you are not going to be able to continue to live in your current house. These are big painful losses to swallow but they are predictable effects of separation and/or divorce. They won’t get any easier to swallow through avoidance, so imho do whatever you need to do with your own mindset to start accepting these facts no matter how unfair or unwanted they are. Bc your best future and that of your kids will be built on the back of HOW you accept them and what is left after you do.

And that brings you to a deep reflection of what you genuinely think is best for you as a foundation for moving forward from where you are. Bc we can only start from here, can’t we? I don’t know the answer to those deeply personal questions and tbh my opinion doesn’t matter. But yours does and you may not know yet what you think.

It sounds as if your wife is proposing either some kind of legal/financial separation where you stay legally married but where she keeps the house OR some discussion legally mediated by a third party (if that is what she means by mediation) where you try to agree some middle ground OR letting the lawyers fight it out on your behalf. Tbh it sounds most of all as if she is trying to essentially threaten you with two ‘worse’ options if you do not give her what she has consistently wanted and tried to force you to agree with which is her option A of you just moving out and she keeps everything else the same. Which of course is not how RL tends to work, is it? Can you see other options? Can your lawyer? What are the ‘standard’ ways these things work where you live? Or her moving out as she is the one choosing to end the marriage? Another option of course is that you bite the bullet, follow legal advice on how the divorce process works where you live and file yourself if there is an advantage to you in doing so.

What would you do if you accepted that your marriage was over, that you will have to live elsewhere and that you will only have 50% time with your kids as a done deal regardless of which option you take? What option would you take if you were trying to look at it from a five year ahead future you?

We do understand how appallingly painful it is to be where you are….many of us have been there. There is nothing fair or reasonable about it. It comes with a lot of emotion and a lot of grief and loss and a lot of blank future pages at a time when that is the last thing you feel able to look at. I am so sorry bc this s&it is hard. But it is also true that deciding what you can find a way to let go of is what clears the ground for a different future too. And there is one. It may not be better than what you used to have but I can promise you it will be better than today.

But it requires a clear eye about the realities and options of where you are, and a honest assessment of your own motivation about the hills you are prepared to die on if you must. Do you know what those are?

Above all, don’t be drawn into behaving like an a$$hat legally or otherwise, no matter how tempting that is. Imho you are under no obligation to be nice or concerned much about your wife’s feelings or wishes now, other than as they matter legally/practically from a business pov….but nor will your interests or your kids interests be served by taking the low road or denying that you are where you are. Be civil and business like without feeling the need to be nice or kind or emotionally engaged. That probably means limiting direct communication as much as you can and making it as factual, brief and formal as is possible in your current circumstances. Which means let her go and let go of any attempt to persuade her to think or feel differently about the path she has chosen for all of you and let go of any involvement in how the predictable consequences affect her. You have enough to do with focusing on your own baseline priorities and limiting the damage from those predictable consequences on you and your kids as much as you can.
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« Last Edit: November 12, 2023, 01:11:52 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.


"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Just Getting Started in this Journey 3
#6: November 12, 2023, 01:49:24 AM
Sorry Baxter.

Acceptance and love.

I agree that ignoring won’t help. Just say you are seeking legal advice about the way forward.

The house is a house. It is about you and the kids. You will get through this.

I am very sorry.
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Re: Just Getting Started in this Journey 3
#7: November 12, 2023, 01:56:18 AM
Other than call a lawyer which I already have what would you recommend?

Like T wrote, acknowledge you have received message and will discuss the options with your legal advisor and get back to her by specific date.  Setting a date give you some control of the future timeline instead of being a sitting duck.

Also, sit down and start prioritizing your current and future life. Write down a list of things in your life that you are NOT willing to negotiate. When you have the list, then start going it through mindfully. Once you can objectively understand the emotional connection behind your list, you are usually in place where you can start making stratetic and good decisions.

Most likely equal (or greater share) coparenting is your number one item. Having the house may define which of you gets main parenting role, but it is also important to understand house does not matter if you cannot keep it for your family.  If house is off the list, then things like finding new home on same area where kids current friends, school etc reside is high priority goal. And that is where solid finances and job that gives you flexibility may become your number one priority...so in a way you need to explore various options and choose the ones that allow you to build the life you want.

Alvin
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At time of BD.... Me: 43, XW: 41
Kids: G19,G18,G14,G12,S5
Together - 20½ Years, Married 19 Years

BD ("I don't love you"): Feb 2019, 
BD2 ("I don't want to fix this marriage."), Mar 2020
D filed May 2020, D finalized Dec 2020
I have moved on, and am in new relationship.

Lessons from Stoicism and REBT helped me to exit the chaos zone and become a better person. 

"Happiness and freedom begin with a clear understanding of one principle: Some things are within our control, and some things are not. - Epictetus"

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Re: Just Getting Started in this Journey 3
#8: November 12, 2023, 09:28:40 AM
Hmm,
Got an email from W saying we need to separate. She has felt this way for a while
And she wants me to either
A- Move out, she will sign a paper that says I still have rights to the house (if such a paper exists?)
B-Go to mediation, which my understanding is a friendly divorce, I still feel the house will be lost in this
Scenario
C-Divorce, we lose it all

I will do nothing and see what happens but I just wanted to get some
Other opinions. I won’t respond to the email.
She said this is a long time coming and she’s felt this way for a long time.
Other than call a lawyer which I already have what would you recommend?

Hi B1, sorry for you that you receive this kind of mail/ultimatum. And in that bad moment, I am glad for you that you are not jumping on your keyboard to react in an hasty way.
At first view, by reading what your W writes I would say that she has no lawyer advice (the paper thing  :o) at this time, so I am not sure that writing that you will see a lawyer is the right move, by doing so you would maybe send her to a lawyer. In my country divorce is a business, a very lucrative one ; once you see a lawyer the interest of the lawyer is to get the more money possible, so your lawyer and your spouse's lawyer bring you straight in a destructive spiral.

Seeing a lawyer is the good move IMO, you have no obligation to tell it to your W.

Instead of saying you will see a lawyer, if I were in your shoes I would write something like "I need time to find the best solution for the children". And I would ask also what your W expects from the mediation or what are her objectives. Maybe she seeks a quick divorce, maybe something else, maybe she doesn't know ? No assumptions.
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M 45, W43. Married 17 years, together 20
3 children D17, D15, S6
OM discovered Dec 22, BD Jan 23 (few days after)
W living at home 16 mths post BD, then keeps moving in & out "for work" in foreign country.
Aimer, c'est donner sans attendre de retour et tout acte est prière, s'il est don de soi (Antoine de Saint Exupéry)
Love means to give without expecting return, and every act is a prayer if it is a self-gift. (thanks OffRoad !)

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Just Getting Started in this Journey 3
#9: November 12, 2023, 09:39:01 AM
I agree with French Husband. You do not need to tell her anything about what you are doing or not doing.

I am not even sure that you need to respond to her email at all. You already know what she wants, she's already expressed it to you..what more is there to say to her?

The ball can be left in her court to proceed legally or not. Your own legal consultation as to your rights might be helpful.

My own experience was that our "separation" cost over $50,000..because every time a lawyer had a minute of work done, it was billed....and in the end, what I was told I would be entitled to was not at all what I ended up being "rewarded". It was a great deal less than what my lawyer assured me I would receive.
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« Last Edit: November 12, 2023, 09:41:55 AM by xyzcf »
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

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