[LBSinUSA]

Hello all, I am new to this forum.  I (39) have been married for 7 years with W (35) and we have a son (2) together.   We were together for ten years almost.

W is from a different country where she got an advanced degree.  She couldnt do much with it there so she immigrated to US about 12 years ago.  We met a little bit after that. 

Anyways, we both started off rather low in our professions and it took awhile for us to get situated in our careers.  I was working temp jobs and she was working just above minimum wage.  We also moved with my dad who had suffered a stroke and was incapacitated to some degree.  This was not my idea as W came from a large family and felt it was our duty to take him in.  He had been very difficult to be around and was quasi-homeless at the time and I really admired how she was insistent we take him in.   He never got better though and sort of wasted away.  He passed away 3 1/2 years ago.  During this time her mother moved in as well and has been living with me for 6 years now.

Anyways we eventually moved back to where we started in a larger city.  I had success and was doing well at my job.  She had worked herself into a decent position but I figured she kind of wanted to do more.  I encouraged her to go back to school but she always had a reason not to.  We eventually had a child (which she said was her dream) and things seemed to be going well.

Fast forward to last March and we were on a trip to CO with her mom and family and her mom fell in a ski town.  She was in pain and eventually they took her to the ER once we got back a week or two later.  It was discovered her mother had Stage 4 cancer that had spread into bones.  They have treatments for it and they can prolong life considerably now so it wasnt imminent but it was still hard news. W also works where mom got treated.  At this time FIL had moved in.  Him and MIL were divorced apparently after W graduated college. 

Its at this time I began to notice a change.  W became distant and cold and I could see just looking at her she was in turmoil.  A few months go by and she seems to be improving.  I chalk it up to her moms illness.  My mom died when I was young of cancer so I know alot about it and figure I can be her support since I know what its like.  Then I see this "monster" come back about a year ago (July) and I ask her whats up.  Thats when she says 'I dont think I can do this with you anymore."  I was shocked.  "What about our son?"   She doesnt believe in D and her entire value structure was set on multiple kids and having a big family.  She dismisses my concerns about the effect on our son and I cant believe this monster is the same person I married.

We decide to go to MC.  We went to him some years before for issues involving living with my dad and the conflict it caused within me.  We seemed to have success.  When I ask her about the issues with the M,  she obssessively focuses on cleaning around the house.  He suggests I do more help clean around the house.  Ive always done chores around the house so I find it odd.  Maybe Im not doing it good enough and she never notices?  MC thinks this is the case so I start cleaning more.  This seems to make her more angry and she blurts out "Its not about the cleaning!" several times.  We go back to MC one day and its just a litany of nonsensical grievances over the years of everything Ive ever done wrong.  What really scares me is she says I never held her belly when she was pregnant which is obv a lie.  I can remember the feeling of sons kicks in the womb and its something I will never forget.  Furthermore I have literally hundreds of pictures of me holding her belly when she was pregnant.   

Its at this point that I see huge issues.  I go to a lawyer (I am one btw) and get advice.  After running through everything, lawyer says to try and work things out because it makes no sense she would want this.  Custody will be 50/50 and she actually owes me money in CS because I pay for daycare and insurance.  I do make more money than her but not by alot.  She gets no alimony, etc.  Lawyer is worried about what my sons life is going to look like living 50 percent of it in a tiny 1 bed apt with MLC W and her terminally ill mother. 

W agrees around September to work on things with me.  She decide she wants to study for this exam for her career and one that she could allow her to do what shes always wanted to do career wise.  I encourage this.

We take some vacations.  We continue with our plans to buy a home.  We actually prequalify for a brand new construction in a great area.  She apologizes for her behavior at one point and I think "well things are looking up".  Then the holidays come and she turns back into the monster.  She gets no presents for anyone for the holidays.  She causes us to be late and miss our flight to meet our friends in the Smoky Mountains and gets mad at me because I was upset.  She gets a tattoo (which is something I have always hated, just a preference of mine) and I look up what that means and up pops MLC.   I read more about MLC and I begin to understand.  When she gets the tattoo I immediately tell her theres no way I was buying a home with her and that her behavior is bizarre.

She has her test in January for her career and I notice that she always at home studying and went about six months without ever taking our son out to do anything.  I keep encouraging her to study while I get to do cool new stuff with son.  But by now my alerts are off for MLC and I want to see how she does on exam.  Two weeks before her big test date she comes downstairs and says "Im tired of dealing with you, Its time for me to focus on me. I want to separate."  I say "Ok" and lay out everything legally and financially for her.  I explain I dont want to be at this home anymore (we rent and have about 9 months to go on the lease) so I go to my family members house.  The entire night W is texting me and begging me to come back.  I come back a couple days later.   She expresses shock that I would speak with a lawyer and how she cant believe what I said to her that night.  She makes several grandiose promises to do better and how shes gonna follow up this time. 

A few weeks later she takes this big exam.  My therapist had said he would be shocked if she did well given where her mind seemed to be at.  Sure enough, she takes the exam after 7 months of studying and fails it badly.  Test has a 90 percent pass rate.  Her score is in the bottom 1 percent and she gets placed on probation for scoring so low.  Most people can take this test multiple times but her score is low enough she can only retake once.  Now having read more about MLC, Im ready for the monster and boy does it come back.  She gets absolutely vicious with me and blames me for her failure.  I was expecting that.  What I was not expecting was MIL who lives with us to also start attacking me and being nasty with me. 

In February I reach my breaking point and I decide I need to clear my head and get out of this toxic situation.  I go to my familys house temporarily.  I stay for a month and clear my head. I dont like being away from my son.   I decide that since lease ends in September in order to break it, its going to cost a fortune.  I try and negotiate a buyout with owner but he wont budge and demands full amount.  I figure I could deplete all the savings to get out now or ride it through to the end of the lease.  Sadly I have nowhere to go to stay free temporarily.  I realize the smarter option is to ride lease out and make sure I have the ability to provide my son his own bedroom and safe stable place in a good area.  This means I need to save as much money as possible from savings which means riding out lease.

While I was out I discover EA with W ex BF from high school.  I see she has been sending him small amounts of money for a year and love letters.  He lives in Europe and as far as I was aware was a drunk.  The fact hes on another continent is the only reason I never thought it devolved into anything physical but by this point I was expecting it.  Im not an optimist by nature and after reading about MLC I was thinking the only thing missing here is the A and here it is.  I combed my mind to think when she would have had time to have an actual physical affair but I keep coming blank.  She is always home and doesnt go out.  But it makes sense then it would be an online thing because she can sit on her phone, something I had noticed she was doing for months.  She of course denies it (and still does to this day) even when confronted with evidence. 

Regardless I swallow my pride and think I need to get things set financially for what comes next and save up and pay off debts.  I come back in and we agree to work on things.  We go back to MC.  I have low expectations and am proven right.  MC devolves into her litany of grievances including the cleaning one.  MC gets her to admit Ive been better with cleaning but she lurches into another "Its not about cleaning!" She says we dont date anymore.  So I take her on a date.  She of course backs out a few times before relenting.  I take her to a very nice steakhouse.  The entire time she is sulking and being nasty.  She says "Was I supposed to be impressed by this?"  I feel like Im back in high school.  I realize I never want to go out with her again. 

Eventually she says shes done.  The next day after this I begin my apt search (This is April).  She does too but comes back one night and decides she has a new plan.  I can move in with her and son and MIL will move to other apt.  I am sure the reality of seeing what a downgrade in her lifestyle was coming was the catalyst for this.  I dont think shes gonna follow through with it, but FIL tries to mediate and save M and says we need to do this for son.  I relent. 

Two weeks later, MIL gets nasty and hostile with me when I go to take son out to watch a hockey game. She had pent up rage about the arrangement I think.  I tell her not to tell me what to do with son.  The next day W (who I sensed was looking to back out of arrangement) says "I cant live with someone who would tell my mother something like that."  I tell her shes full of $h!te and that she was looking for excuses to get out of arrangement.  The truth is I wanted out of the arrangement too because I felt like I had made good headway mentally to get ready to leave and that I foolishly went back on it.  Now I could plan.

Anyways that leads me here today.  Ive got a new lease starting in a few weeks and Ill be free of this madness.  Ill have my dogs and son (50 percent of the time). The place Im moving is a downgrade from where I am now but I dont have much of a choice.   Ive been going to therapy since the BD a year ago.  It was suggested I join this forum as it seems like an excellent support group.  I can say with MLC that knowledge is power.  The more I read on it, the more I know what to expect and not be surprised.

My parents were never divorced.  My mom died when I was young and my dad was a trainwreck of a person in general.  My life has had many difficulties but they have made me tough. 

My dream was always to have a big family with a nice house, a few dogs and loving, caring W.  She was that at one point but thats not who she is anymore.  Ive tried to detach as best I know how.  I worry how shes going to be with my son.  Shes become a little more engaged with him since she failed the test.  I dont think shes doing it out of wanting to be a better mom but more because shes angry at me for doing nice things with him and she feels insecure.  Its become clear shes very jealous and resentful towards me.  She got angry at me today discussing how to divy up the furniture. 

I hope at some point I can forgive her.  I foolishly blurted this out today during her venting.  It just beget more venting.   Shes clearly gearing up to blame me for the impending D by saying it was me who wanted it all along.  Just more blame projection on her part.  The weird part is after her raging at me and following angry texts I felt better.  I just told her I understood and felt sorry for her.  I guess I realized even on my worst days when Im down at least Im not this and my son is going to need me so I better keep it together. 

Anyways thanks for making it to the end.

[UrsaMajor]

Wow! Sounds like someone has been reading the "MLC for Dummies" script - namely your MLCW

OK, first and foremost-
Her sending money to some drunk here in Europe has to either stop or it comes out of her settlement. Her drunken ex BF is NOT your problem.

Second, her mom and dad are also not your problem. MIL has probably heard the entire Litany of Grievances against you for some time now and will support her daughter. FIL is , possibly, a different story but what I don't get is why he moved in too if he and MIL got divorced. It isn't like there is any love lost between the two of them or they wouldn't have gotten divorced in the first place.

Third, the cleaning projection - she complains about it and then says that this is not the issue.... Then what is? She can't tell you because she doesn't know herself. She has her head stuffed so far up her .... fog.... that she is looking out of her bellybutton to walk forward. Unfortunately, there is NOTHING you can do to help or change this.

Fourth, MC is only useful if BOTH parties want to make things work AND it requires an MC that actually understands MLC. From your story here, I think your MC is a charlatan who doesn't know their butt from a hole in the ground (my mother is/was (she is semi-retired now) professional Marriage and Family Therapist).....

Fifth, get your finances locked down ASAP. If MLCW and MIL are in cahoots, they will be looking for a payout somehow. MLC'ers are probably some of the MOST self-entitled people on the planet and the ONLY thing that matters to them is their next shot of "happy." They do not care of the house goes into foreclosure or if the car is repo'd as long as they can get that next fix. If there are consequences that result form their actions, they are always someone else's fault, invariably the LBS (as you are discovering).

MLC'ers are not capable of accepting any responsibility or accountability for their actions and will blame anyone and everyone else for their problems that they themselves created by their actions.

I am really sorry that you needed to find us but at least you are here now among a group of people who "get" what you are going through.  In my tag line is a link to a series of "guidelines" for LBS's recently blindsided by MLC ("Survival Guide for Newbies") . In it, there are several resources that you may find useful.

[Treasur]

Oh my goodness, LBSinUSA - your situation certainly has a lot of moving parts and you’ve had some real challenges in the last few years, haven’t you?

There’s a quote I remember from someone else’s tagline to the effect that you don’t go through hell without acquiring some transferable skills. I can see that in your post about how you’ve responded to the situation so far. A lot of LBS were starting from scratch post BD and it was more of a shock to their world view perhaps. I am sorry for your experiences as a young human but I can see that it has given you probably a pretty useful toolbox for dealing with dysfunctional folks and an ability to call something that quacks like a duck pretty likely to be a duck. I wish none of us had to have (or find) those survival skills but they can be life and sanity saving.

Well done for trusting your own gut and ignoring what seems to me to be rather unhelpful (or uninformed) advice from both the MC and the lawyer to essentially try to appease your wife and make rational reciprocal kind of arrangements with someone who isn’t being driven by the same agenda as you. You tried, it didn’t work, so you changed your approach. That was wise and healthy. Whatever is going on, you didn’t cause it, you can’t control it and it isn’t about you.

It sounds as if, like most of us, you tried initially to respond to some of your w’s complaints but saw pretty quickly that it was a nonsensical no-win game. Still, I would imagine from what you post that you are perhaps grieving the loss of the kind of family you longed to build and that you have concerns about your little one growing up in a situation you did not want for him.

How can we best support you at the moment?

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

So sorry that you are here, but it is a great group to get advice.

When I ask her about the issues with the M,  she obssessively focuses on cleaning around the house.

One thing I have come to learn that despite their obvious shortcomings when making rational decisions, MLCers are still complex. It seems MLC amplifies the pitch of the MLCers actions and mindset. I am not an expert and I am basing assumptions on what you have written. However, I sense that your wife is all about control. She insisted that your father move in with you. She goes to MC and nothing about her, it is about mess in the apartment. Really? Or does she want to control the narrative. MC should never be about being the judge of who is right or wrong in the marriage, but how to communicate for the support she needs. Likewise, you need to communicate your needs as well. That builds the relationship. Monstering is not effective communication. Was that ever brought up?

Once again, monstering is her temper tantrum, and remember, temper tantrums are all about control.

While I was out I discover EA with W ex BF from high school.  I see she has been sending him small amounts of money for a year and love letters.  He lives in Europe and as far as I was aware was a drunk.

They really know how to pick them don't they? Your wife is going back and trying to see if she made a right instead of a left her messed up life would have been better. I don't want to be a bearer of bad news, but be prepared for her to "find" a soul mate. A lot in the world of the MLCer is how things or people make them feel. My ex loved the "falling in love " more than being in love. It was all fantasy but fantasy for her was better than reality.

Whatever is going on, you didn’t cause it, you can’t control it and it isn’t about you.

This is hard because we naturally want to fix what we have enjoyed thus far. As mentioned, you are doin an exceptional job of responding to her as opposed to reacting. Great job. Other than the financial information, I can offer little to you other than to focus on your healing. While you sound very strong, all of this takes a big hit to your sense of reality, your balance, and esteem. Take time to focus on your mental health and be the rock for your son. You are the only adult in the room right now and he need you as the adult.

Keep posting and remember, this is a marathon not a sprint!

(((Ready)))

[LBSinUSA]

Hello all,

Sorry for the delay but I've been keeping busy and took a trip by myself the last few days as sort of a treat yourself thing.  I enjoyed it although travelling alone again can be sad at times.

As far as the home life is concerned not much has changed there.  The apartment I was going to move has conditions issues and I am probably going somewhere else.  They thought my move in was this month and told me the unit wouldnt be ready.  I explained the move in was next month but its nice to know if I was actually moving this month they would have given me a weeks notice to find a new place.

To answer some questions: financially speaking, our finances have always been separate.  I keep my money I earn and she keeps hers.  I make more and have more in retirement but not by that much.  The only joint account we had was the down payment for the house and I have full control over that.  I pulled the money out of a high yield savings account in anticipation of giving her her portion.  The truth about our finances is that there isnt that much between the two of us.  If she wants to fight over money, its going to all go to lawyers and there isnt much to get.  Were talking about 2-3k at most. 

Since Im an attorney, I have a good idea what to expect on this front and its pretty easy for me to get advice.  The only issue I could see is custody of S2.  I dont think she has any idea what 50/50 actually means and will look like.  I am setting it up so that S2 can have his own room and bathroom with me.  And while its likely to be a downgrade in quality of the apt we are in now, I should be able to keep him in the same daycare.  Meanwhile shes going to be living with terminally ill MIL, her and him in a tiny one bedroom apt.  A court is going to consider this should it come to it. 

As far as FOO and FIL and MIL issues, I wish I would have maybe taken stock of that a little more than I did.  FIL has been in and out of living with us for several years now.  He seems to pack up and leave and find a new job every year or two.  This is the third time hes lived with us and now hes out again.  He was going to move in with W and MIL to help them financially since without me, its going to be extremely hard on them.  But he backed out of it and is gone yet again.  While I do have a good relationship with him, I believe hes been doing this type of thing for years.  W told me they divorced when she was in her 20's and it absolutely crushed her.  My sense is that FIL was doing this well before they got a D and explains MIL's awful attitude. 

W has been more engaged with son lately.  I find this to be relatively positive.  Shes been acting pretty good around the house.   But when I see her packing things, I do get mad as it starts to feel emptier and emptier.  The absurdity of the whole situation pisses me off.  Legally and financially she's essentially blowing herself up but as has been stated theres nothing I can do.  Its just bizarre to watch someone blow themselves up so spectacularly and think everything will work out great because...reasons. 

It reminds me of a South Park episode where these gnomes are stealing underpants.  When the main characters ask the gnomes why they steal underpants, they respond "for profit!"  Then they ask how does stealing underpants give one a profit and the gnomes stare blankly at them and they cant explain.  Its Step 1. Steal Underpants.  Step 2 : ?   Step 3: Profit!  Thats MLC in a nutshell to me. 

I dont engage with her really and if shes in the house I will find something to do outside so I dont have to be near her.  What I know and expect now is that randomly there is these little quivers of light that break through like deep down somewhere in there, there is a decent person.  But its only a quiver of light and inevitably the monster will come roaring back in due time. 

To answer another question, I am here because at the end of the day its hard for me to explain any of this to anyone really.  I dont know if Im young to have this happen to them, but when I tell people "MLC" I can see they mostly think of cliches and their eyes glaze over.  I mean my lawyer couldnt even fathom what kind of stupidity W would be engaged in. 

Im upset about the loss of a family and the effect on my son.  W's family aside from MIL has been respectful, polite and just letting me know that they still care about me.  While I am thankful for that, I dont think I can expect much of anything from them.  I dont want to out and out cut them from my life, but I have no intention of doing any type of events or activities again with them.  My view is they are not my family any more.  Is this a right way to look at it? 

Well thats about it.  I was in a bad move the other day when I see that for the next year or so I am going to be in a tough spot financially and emotionally,  I love my job and the idea I may have to leave it to chase bigger dollars upsets me.  But thats a question for several years down the line once my student loans are paid off.  Anyways thanks for listening.

And I apologize for not being able to quote block.  That would make it easier to respond to all your posts.

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

Glad to here back from you.  One thing you have going for you is that the marriage is only seven years. Many states consider anything over ten years as long term and that opens up a whole new can of worms.

Just keep up on the bills and make sure you add to any agreement that she can't take your son out of the country without your permission. I don't know if she has any family or support left in her old country, but if you don't have that in the agreement and she does leave, it is a huge hassle.

The only issue I could see is custody of S2.  I dont think she has any idea what 50/50 actually means and will look like.  I am setting it up so that S2 can have his own room and bathroom with me.  And while its likely to be a downgrade in quality of the apt we are in now, I should be able to keep him in the same daycare.  Meanwhile shes going to be living with terminally ill MIL, her and him in a tiny one bedroom apt.  A court is going to consider this should it come to it.

That is probably what you will see as courts try to keep everything equal between spouses. Because he is in daycare, she can't argue that he needs his mom more than you. As far as terminally ill mom, he has been living with her so it isn't anything new. Where there would be an issue is if he moved into a five bedroom mansion with you while having to live in a one bedroom apartment with mom. The court would then have you pay to upgrade her conditions so that the difference was not so great. He is young and may not notice, but as he gets older, he will see the difference.

I am here because at the end of the day its hard for me to explain any of this to anyone really.  I dont know if Im young to have this happen to them, but when I tell people "MLC" I can see they mostly think of cliches and their eyes glaze over.  I mean my lawyer couldnt even fathom what kind of stupidity W would be engaged in.

That's why I consider this more a transitional issue then "mid-age" crisis. We all go through transitions of our lives. I am almost sixty and I don't see the world the same as I did forty years ago. Over the years, I have transitioned from single to married, married with children, divorce and remarriage. Life transitions are expected and can be difficult but we all deal with them. Crisis is when instead of going forward, the person goes backwards-shirking all responsibility and trying to recapture youth or a time that they felt "free". That is why many act like teenagers.

That's why the forum works to provide people with support on an issue that many don't believe even exists. You are right about the eye rolls in real life and even your soon to be ex would deny it. From her perspective she know exactly what she is doing and above all else, she is right.

So feel free to keep posting.

My view is they are not my family any more.  Is this a right way to look at it?

That is entirely up to you. I don't engage with my ex's family at all as I have the same view as you. I have a new family now and I don't want to be involved as it compromises the level of detachment I prefer. There are others on the site that maintain solid relationships with others and some that still meet with their exes especially if the children are involved.

This is a boundary you get to set. Boundaries are set to protect your stability and your well being. They are not to punish or hurt the MLCer of their family.

You are handling this all very well and you need to do what works best for you.

(((Ready)))

[Biscuit]

Hi LBSinUSA,

In terms of family I still have regular contact with my W's mum, I sometimes see her at family events but have also met up with her on occasion to have a drink or see a film. She regards me as her SIL still. I'm fine with this - she didn't blow up our family.

[xyzcf]

Im upset about the loss of a family and the effect on my son.  W's family aside from MIL has been respectful, polite and just letting me know that they still care about me.  While I am thankful for that, I dont think I can expect much of anything from them.  I dont want to out and out cut them from my life, but I have no intention of doing any type of events or activities again with them.  My view is they are not my family any more.  Is this a right way to look at it?

I firmly believe that MLC has nothing to do with me or our marriage. My husband's parents are deceased and he doesn't have any siblings, but I still exchange and receive Christmas cards from his cousins...they live far away so I don't have any physical contact with them, but I know if I ever went to where they live, they would welcome me. They are still family to me and always will be.

He divorced me. His family had nothing to do with that.

I also have contact with him. Sometimes having dinner together, he brings me gifts from his travels and texts me jokes....15 years after BD....we spend time with our daughter and her husband(they live in another country) at Christmas (he stays in my home), during the summer when they come and visit (again he stays here with us) and we take them away in the winter for a beach vacation. This is best for our daughter who he also turned away from for many years.

I have seen the changes that occurred with MLC...as we read here, over and over again, very similar characteristics....and I am convinced that something happened to create these changes...biochemical/hormonal/ FOO/ fear of dying.....this person is not the person I knew for 35 years.

The LBSer gets to choose. We make a decision that is right for us and our kids....and perhaps even for them......we used to refer to "paving the way" which I used to think meant in case they ever returned...but perhaps it can also mean giving them a safe place, a place of acceptance of what happened to them.

It's a radical way perhaps to view this..but it's not a marriage breakup due to problems in the marriage...no...it is a sudden, unexpected explosion of everything that once was.

Just a different view from many here and from the world who strongly feel that we need to kick them to the curb and slam the door..... each situation is different and some have had abusive spouses or have other reasons why what works for me doesn't for them.

Think about what these other family members mean to you? Is there a reason why they also have to be removed from your life?

[LBSinUSA]

Journaling today:

The move out date is getting closer and I find myself getting more sad and angry.   It seems that watching the bags get packed and everything get put away does have an effect on me.  Yesterday what appeared to get to me was seeing my MIL pack the kitchen up and I noticed she was putting away some cooking tupperware that had been my Mom and Dads.  I dont think she knew it but I politely told her she couldnt take it.  She then got defensive and said she didnt want it or need it anyway. 

I work from home most of the time so yesterday I stayed at home and was around MIL all day.  Normally the last few weeks I go in to work towards the late morning to stay away from her.  I do my work downstairs and she has kept away for the most part but lately she just sits in the kitchen fiddling on her phone while Im working.   I think the stress of being here is getting to me again. As I type this she's standing right near me.  (She doesnt speak English as an aside)

Anyways STBXW came home and we did S2 therapy session on Zoom in the afternoon.  He was flagged for behavioral issues from his school for not interacting with other kids about 6 months ago.  Hes doing much better now which has been a relief.  Yesterday I brought him over to the playground and therapist got to see him actually playing with other kids and interacting with them.  We have some sort of session with the program he enrolled in and they are going to make a recommendation over the next few months on the level of care they determine he needs.  Based on what I can tell he is meeting his milestones. Based on what Ive read it seems the program recommends everyone for more treatment but that might mean pulling him from his daycare where he seems to be thriving.  I got very sad thinking of him leaving there especially since it took so long for him to get adjusted.  This would happen some months into the future if it did happen.  I feel like the daycare is a form of stability for him and to pull him might be detrimental in some way. 

STBXW says we should prepare to enroll him if need be.  She says she wants to follow the recommendations of the program.   I dont believe anything she says at this point and I think she wants this because shes aware with me paying for the daycare, that she owes child support and this is some way for her to get out of that.  The program says the school would be free and I think thats what she heard.  (Wed need to pay for aftercare which is about the same cost as daycare but I dont think this ever crossed her mind).  I hate to feel Im being paranoid but I treat everything she says and does with a very jaundiced view. 

Two nights earlier she came in to the room in the morning very emotional and hugging me and saying she wanted to say something.  I didnt expect much but she led off with "Im sorry I didnt have the strength to fight for us.." I immediately shut her down and told her I didnt want to discuss any of this at this point and to please stop.  I have heard some version of "Heres me pretending to say Im sorry but not really" a few times now.   She has been very chatty with me on text message and what not over the last couple of weeks.  Most of it has been about S2.   I havent ignored her but Im not saying much beyond one word. 

Anyways yesterday after S2 therapy session we got to discussing some logistics and I found myself already in a sour mood getting more mad.  I owe her her portion of the house money and I attempted to send it via Zelle but the bank rejected it.  She asked me how much of my portion was left and I explained I didnt have much because i was spending money to pay off some debts and get stuff for our son and pay for his daycare, swimming lessons, activities etc.  She was shocked I had spent that much  money but I told her I had been running at a deficit for almost two years now as had been explained previously.  Again, I should know better than to have to explain this since her mind is so warped she has no idea what shes doing about anything.  As the discussion continued I got the point where I was explaining why we now have two separate households and two costs and even though I felt all of this was very stupid and was going to set me back financially for some time, I had to deal with what was given. She looked at me and said with a smile "You cant blame me for this?" to which I said "I blame you entirely for this."  She did that manaical laugh only a MLC can do as though saying she was responsible for anything was about.    Im a hot head and it wasnt a good idea to say it.  It seems it was more of a reaction than a response I think even if it was the truth.  I left the house at that point and went to my sisters to cool off. 

My sister said it seems like all the packing had sent me into a bad mood so perhaps I should leave for the next week or two.  STBXW is supposed to leave next weekend.   I have two dogs (a father and daughter).  The daughter went into heat so I have an excuse to leave and get her out of the house.  Shes a puppy and keeps making a mess in the house.  I am the only one training her.   

STBXW was the one who wanted her back last year and we bred the dad so we could have another dog for our son and at the time hopefully future children.  This was one of the things I thought was a sign she was planning for the future family last year that gave me hope.  Three days after I picked her up STBXW said she wanted to sell her.  I said No because our puppy was the only one to survive in the litter and the family honored their agreement with us and gave us the girl.   Now Im obviously attached.

Regardless, tonight I think Im gone until they move.  I knew this would be the toughest part but once they are gone and the constant stress is gone, I think Ill find myself in a better mood.   

To answer some questions, Xyzcf, I dont think her family (other than MIL) has given me a reason to remove them from my life.  My struggle is that I get sad thinking how my family has been blown up and my way of moving on has always been to go NC and cut off all sides.  Ive lost both my parents and have had to deal with some tough circumstances in life.  Im torn about it because you are right, they did nothing wrong to me.  But they arent my family.  I think I will end up choosing some middle ground. 

Well thanks for listening.  I often read this forum because I feel like it gives me a good idea of potential things to expect.  I know none of this is about me, but I just feel very bad for our son.  It breaks my heart how even at two I can see he wants to be with both of us at the same time.   Like this morning I picked him up to take him down stairs and he just kept angling to hug her while also not leaving me and wrapping his legs around me.  And I look over at her and shes just this dead-eyed zombie.  A husk of what she once was. 

Maybe its best not to dwell on that.  I took my son out the whole weekend and we have amazing times.  I bought him some stuff for his future room with me.  He loves airplanes so I got him an airplane comforter set and a little airplane tent where he can read.  While it sucks to lose the family I always wanted, I at the same time can see some light at the end here.  At the end, Ive now spent more than half S2's life dealing with this monster version of STBXW.  The family life I always wanted existed maybe for 9-10 months between when S2 was a newborn and before STBXW descended into chaos when he was a little over a year old.  S2 wont remember this horrible year and how awful it has been for me.  I am pretty certain once the move is done and I am no longer coming home to this awful situation the stress levels will drop and Ill feel better.  My work is going well.  I won a big case for my office last week.  And even though I am nowhere near ready to even think of it, it seems Im starting to draw interest from other women.  Thats a question for further into the future.   

Thanks all for listening.  I feel better now that Ive typed all that out.  And I also have to go into work soon so I get the excuse to leave the house.

[LBSinUSA]

Journaling again:

I read my last post and it seems sort of rambling.  I took the weekend and went to my sisters with the puppy and took care of her dog while she was out of town.  I didnt do anything other than take walks with the dogs and exercise.  I felt better and got a couple good nights sleep.  Last night though my sister came back and I did not sleep as well.

My aunt died on Saturday.  She was the last living relative from my grandparents generation so with her passing its kind of like a last goodbye to my own childhood.  She was 92 so it wasnt a shock.  I am glad she lasted as long as she did and got to meet S2. 

We went out a few weeks ago for lunch and I saw she wasnt doing well.  She wanted to know what was going on with STBXW.  I explained as best I could while not trying to blame anyone.  She was very sad and apparently later told my cousins how she worried for me and was upset for the whole situation.  It gave me comfort to know that she was very happy to see S2 and have lunch with him.  According to my cousins it was one of the best times shes had in a long time and was one of the last things she discussed with them. 

STBXW was in trying to keep in contact with me during the weekend and keep informed of my aunts status.  I was mostly unresponsive.  I didnt feel any desire to communicate with her about it nor do I want her around me.  I feel shes engaged in some form of cake eating as she gets set to leave.  She started texting my sister with photos of S2 from the weekend for the first time in a year and the last few weeks she will wait for me to come home and walk with me, the dogs and S2 like were family again.  She comes into the room in the morning and lies down next to me with S2.  It just makes me more sad though. 

S2 had his neurological appt today and I guess it was ok.  He was recommended to follow with a speech therapist but she did not think hes displaying behaviors showing hes on the spectrum.  STBXW took him to the appt and I joined by phone.  The stress of not knowing if something is off with him concerns me at times but Ive made a point over the last year to take him out to do all sorts of things and socialize with other kids.  I feel like MIL and STBXW were keeping him cooped up for awhile watching tv and not letting him outside.  For almost a year I felt like I heard "Oh its going to rain" or "He needs to eat soon" for why he couldnt do anything.  He really loves playing and joining other kids now and the Dr said that is the biggest issue they look for.

As far as the packing goes, Ive built up the upcoming week as probably the toughest time in my head.  Shes packed up most of the stuff and is leaving next weekend.  All the wedding stuff she has packed away too and is taking with her.  It makes me sad but I dont want to see any of it anyways.  Its just a painful reminder she was once a better person.

Some of her family is coming to help her move. I dont want to be there when this all happens.  Id rather come home to an empty house.  In all likelihood I am going to my sisters for the next week.  Ill even sacrifice time with my son if it means I dont have to be at that house anymore with STBXW.  I just dont think its good for me mentally. 

Im debating whether to thank MIL before they leave especially for being a good Grandma to S2.  She did pretty much take care of him of the first year or so until she got sick.  While she has become cruel and vindictive towards me I also feel that forgiveness might be better for me long term.  The truth is she doesnt have much time left and when they move, I dont think I will make any attempt to see her again.   it will likely be one of if not our last interaction and regardless of what she says, I will have kept to my own values and morals.  Thoughts on this?  I know its a personal question as to me and my boundaries but I like feedback.

I read the thread on Radical Acceptance and I think in my head Ive done something similar.  I am second guessing whether I should have just dealt with this all when I left the house in February and maybe Id be ahead in the grieving process.  But I came back mostly to set myself up legally and financially for whats to come.  Im not sure Im in a better spot financially (maybe a little) and legally it was a good idea should custody issues emerge. 

Thanks for listening.

PS- Is it odd to feel weird about commenting on other posts here?  Im new to the forum though I feel I am something like a year post BD now.  I dont know if my advice would be good or not or Im qualified to speak on anyone elses issues.  Frankly some of these stories are so gut wrenching and heartbreaking I feel like I have no right to offer advice. 

[FaithWalker]

Hello LBSinUSA

Absolutely comment on other posts.  That is how I got to know the class of 2015, 2016 etc. so well.  We were all (and still are) in this together!  I was bummed that I couldn't go and I'm hoping for another one, but a nice group of LBSers met in Tuscany a few years ago and rented a villa together.  They had such a good time!

Xyzcf has been on several meet ups with some LBS groups from here as well.  I've also met her and another LBS'er that doesn't post here any more.  Not saying anyone has to attend a meet-up but it's an option!

This is a family and you have now joined our ranks.

[Evermore]

Journaling again:
Im debating whether to thank MIL before they leave especially for being a good Grandma to S2.  She did pretty much take care of him of the first year or so until she got sick.  While she has become cruel and vindictive towards me I also feel that forgiveness might be better for me long term.  The truth is she doesnt have much time left and when they move, I dont think I will make any attempt to see her again.   it will likely be one of if not our last interaction and regardless of what she says, I will have kept to my own values and morals.  Thoughts on this?  I know its a personal question as to me and my boundaries but I like feedback. 

Hi LBSinUSA. It's completely up to you. I have a weirdly (in the context of being divorced) close relationships with all my in-laws and consider myself very lucky to have been able to maintain those close relationships. To do that I had to forgive them for 'being OK' with what my xH did (they never approved, which he knows, and think he's a fool, but they also love him and want him to be happy, so they accept that it's his life and he gets to choose how he lives it). And I had to forgive them for socialising with OW (they do that for the same reasons, they love xH). I also have a distant but amicable relationship with my xH and even tolerate attending the same family (his family which are just as much my family, ha!  ) functions as xH and OW these days. To do this I had to (mostly*) forgive him for what he did and her for being part of it (she soooo knew what she was doing!). For me it was important that I stayed true to the type of person I admire and want to continue to be.

But whilst I have (mostly*) forgiven all of them... all that forgiving has happened inside of me. I show my forgiveness through my actions, not through words. Attending family functions which makes everyone happy (especially our two daughters). Maintaining that distant but amicable relationship with xH. No trash talking about him to our daughters. Maintaining the super close relationship with all my in-laws. Etc etc.

So I think it's up to you whether you verbalise your thanks to your MIL or not. You can forgive her and treat her well without saying the words. Because yes, I think it is better for us in the long term not to hang on to hate/bad feelings towards other people. She doesn't 'win' if you say thank you for caring for S2 when he was a baby. So say it, don't say it, do what feels right to you. Keep true to your chosen morals and values.

(*I say mostly forgive because there's still one part of me that is still furious with, and can't believe the nerve of, the OW (she has no bloody shame that women!!); and also can't quite believe that xH did what he did. It's still so shocking to that part of me even after all these years. That part of me whispers in my ear that I should tell her EXACTLY what I think of her! The sane part of me, which thankfully is the far larger 'in charge' part, strokes the crazy-she-devil part in understanding and thinks no, that's not who I really am. )

PS- Is it odd to feel weird about commenting on other posts here?  Im new to the forum though I feel I am something like a year post BD now.  I dont know if my advice would be good or not or Im qualified to speak on anyone elses issues.  Frankly some of these stories are so gut wrenching and heartbreaking I feel like I have no right to offer advice.

No not odd at all. Hey, I'm pretty much 6 years in and I still don't post as much on other people's stories as I'd like to because I also often don't feel right about offering advice. And I always seem to get tangled up in the words I want to say. Which is quite funny because when I meet people in real life it's hard to shut me up, lol

There are quite a few people here that write really really well and DON'T tangle their words like I do  ; so often I let them do the heavy lifting of offering the fabulous advice. Instead I offer an ear and empathy. Which is often what I found was what mattered just as much, if not more, than advice. 

[Treasur]

Not odd or unhelpful at all to post on others threads. Looking back, one of the most healing things for me was to feel that other people ‘got it’ and I wasn’t crazy, to feel heard I suppose bc I felt so ignored and unseen in RL at the time. Those of us who are a few years out see the patterns but we remember the pain rather than feeling it in quite the same way. Imho there are benefits in both perspectives.

I agree with Ever that you do not need to vocalise your feelings wrt MiL and there is no ‘right’ answer, just what feels most healthy and healing to you. At the same time, I’d suggest that you treat yourself with great kindness this week and accept that how we feel in the moment is not always how we feel longer term. I am sorry for the loss of your aunt, and that’s a loss that sounds as if it has echoes. And then this week other losses are about to get really concrete. That’s a lot, isn’t it? And perhaps a time to not engage over much with people who might not treat you with a bit of reciprocal kindness and grace.

Take care of yourself, my friend

[LBSinUSA]

Well the big move came and went and now shes out of the house.  I thought she was staying the weekend until my aunts funeral but her uncle and parents packed things up Friday and they were gone.  STBXW didnt even pack anything herself and just had the family move everything one day while she was at work.   I left for my sisters a few days earlier since I didnt want to deal with the stress of seeing them all move.  I planned to come back Monday but she told they were gone on friday night.

So I came back to the house Friday night and was upset for maybe 20 minutes then I calmed down and have felt surprisingly good since.  I think I built up the dread in my head into something worse than it ended up being.  I suspected that would be the case but still didnt know.  I think the relief of having the MLC and her angry MIL away from me has relieved a ton of stress from me and theres a relief Im out of that toxic mess.  As I start to put some distance between living in that situation I think I am going to be impressed how I tolerated it for so long and how I would be insane to ever go back. 

S2 is asleep in the room right now and it feels nice.  Its his first night alone with me as part of the new arrangement.  Hes spent some nights alone with me before when I left the house in February for a month but not like this.   Its nice to let him sleep alone without the helicoptering MIL and STBXW fussing about him being alone in a room.  He was sleeping in his crib in our room since he was born.  Now I have him in my bed while I will sleep in another room.  I think its absurd he hasnt been in his own room yet.  My new place should have that. 

I think the transition for him might be difficult since he's sleeping in a room with MIL and STBXW.  My brief glimpse on FaceTime the other night showed me it was cramped with their bed and his crib. 

Anyways, yesterday was my aunts funeral.  It was nice and I caught up with some cousins I had not seen in a long time.  As I was driving there alone I thought I might get sentimental but I didnt.    I miss my aunt but I am glad she saw S2 a few times before she passed.  She and her husband both lived into their 90s so I was always cognizant that each time I saw them could be the last. 

I committed to a trip to Boston with my cousins while I was there.  It was nice to say "yeah why not?  Theres nothing stopping me, just do it on a weekend I dont have S2."  The independence is refreshing.  I was always a very independent person before and frankly I was even during most of the marriage.  The birth of S2 changed that though and I began to see myself more of as a family person.  We still did trips but a lot more went into it.  Now I can pack up when I want to for the most part and do what I feel like. 

I took S2 to a football game Saturday night and I had to do an exchange with STBXW since it was her weekend. During the exchange I didnt say a word and just put the bag on her car while she got S out of my car.  I met her at a Wal Mart parking lot nearby where she lived.  I dont know if its weird or not but I do not want to see her, her MIL or their new apt.  I keep communication strictly about S and once the information I need to convey has been passed I cease contact. 

My hope is over the next few months, in person contact will be limited and S2 is simply exchanged via the daycare.  I know that wont always be possible but it suits me for now as I attempt to put distance between her and me.  Luckily she helped the cause by stupidly moving 30 minutes away from me and S2's daycare, doctors, soccer classes, swimming lessons etc.  I am pretty sure she is going to throw a stink about that at some point but her job is near the daycare and as long as Im paying for those other things, she doesnt really get a say. 

I figure I am going to get a good look at how she handles 50/50 custody over the next few weeks.  Today she made some excuse to go run back to son's daycare after work so she could get his lunchbox so MIL could make his lunch tomorrow.  I told her it was fine and I could make it.  She relented but then asked to pick him up tomorrow.   I told her no since thats not the schedule.   The schedule is 2-2-3 which essentially means Monday and Tuesday at one parent, Wednesday and Thursday at other parent followed by Friday to Sunday at the Monday/Tuesday parent.  Then it switches each week.  She agreed once again. 

Is it normal for the MLC to become a bit of a helicopter parent at some points?  I see it here and there in some stories generally with MLCW.  But I also see straight abandonment too from some other stories. 

Im off to bed now.  My pugs are snoring up a storm next to me.  Im grateful to have them though as they love cuddles and now they can lie in bed with me without being shooed off. 

[FaithWalker]

Sounds like you are adjusting fairly well Lusa,

Good for you for sticking to the arrangement of S2 parenting time!

[LBSinUSA]

Journaling Update:

Im over two weeks into the move and I feel relatively good.  It does get lonely but the stress of not seeing or dealing the MLC or MIL seems to have paid dividends.   My living situation is not clear yet.  The place I want to move has not sent me an approval and the move in is in a week.  I submitted all the paperwork they asked for but they still havent said anything.  The place where I lived now offered me a unit across the street too.  Its a townhome like I have and its the same price as I am paying now but the move in is in two months and Id I wouldnt have a master bedroom really for my king size bed.  I would have my own little private courtyard for S2 and my pugs.

I am torn between this.  The convenience of an easier move is tempting since its only across the street and its a townhome and not an apartment.  However the other place has a master bedroom and a garage.  It would also be a fresh start.  I dont know if Im that sentimental and that part is important.  The schools are better by the new place but S2 doesnt even start Kindergartern for another 3 years so its not like its a huge issue right now.  I figure to make a decision in the coming days.  Im leaning towards a brand new start.

Yesterday I took a day trip to watch a college football game with my friend in another part of the state I live.  It was 5 hours to get there and 5 hours to come back.  My friends mom watched the furry friends.  He asked me Friday if I would go.  I told him yes and was glad I did.   It was nice to do a spontaneous trip like that again and do it for something I used to love (college football).  Once my son came along and even before, I generally became less interested in  sports in general and started focusing on family things.

Last weekend was my first weekend with S2 under the new arrangement.  We had a blast and I took him to dinner a couple of times.  My sister took us to lunch and dinner on Saturday and we spent the day at a mall and at swimming lessons.  He is sleeping very well on his own right now and Im grateful he will have his own room soon. 

STBXW appears to be testing boundaries on the custody issue.  She asked to pick him up a day earlier on Sunday as opposed to picking him up from the daycare on Monday.  I told her no we stick to the schedule.  She also texted me some lecturing email about how I have to pay attention to S2 and relay information as to S2 being sick and what not.  S2 had a little cough in the mornings but they went away within 10 mins of wake up and by the time I dropped him off Monday at the daycare I didnt hear anything.  She sent me a very detailed message about all the precautions I needed to take if he was sick and communicate better with her.  I took her message as an attempt at some form of control and let her know that S2 was sleeping fine and having a cough in the morning that went away after a day or two was not a five alarm fire.  I also explained while she might disagree with my parenting methods, she was going to have to learn to accept I would never put S2 in danger and would relay important information.  Her and MIL have been very helicoptery over S2 since he was born and think any time he has a cough it means he must kept in bubble wrap for a week.  My approach is that hes a toddler and these things will happen so its best not stress unless a fever appears or the cough lasts longer than 10 minutes.

She also sent me a text Wednesday night with a long-winded explanation about how much S2 was her soul and how much she was going to miss him.  S2 was just spending with W-F with me per the 50/50 agreement so I found it odd shed text me that. My sense is that she has deep guilt and shame for doing what shes done to S2's family and shes attempting to suppress those feelings by saying how much she cares and loves him as if her selfish, destructive behavior can be explained better if she just says she loves S2 a lot.  I didnt respond to it. 

She does FaceTime him every night and I make sure she can do that. I dont FaceTime S2 too much when she has him.  The few times I do, he seems to smile for maybe a minute then puts the phone down and goes and does something else since hes a two year old.  Its just seems pointless if he cant communicate with me in a meaningful way and has the attention span of well a toddler.  I am sure I will do it once he gets older. 

That about does it.  I need my living situation fixed and hopefully that will come soon.  Thanks for all the feedback and advice. I promise I will learn to quote block soon. 

[Reinventing]

Good job sticking to the parenting schedule again. You are sounding good. Hope the living situation clears up soon.

[Treasur]

I agree…well done on sticking to the schedule, resisting her attempt to bait you and ignoring the she has a sadz text. Particularly given that her and MiL have a history of helicoptering, I suspect this won’t be the last time she tries to control how you look after your son on your 50% so good to start early as you mean to go on. Your son is small, and there may well be future times when you show some flexibility in certain circumstances about late pick ups or life events, but much easier to do that if you wish against a working schedule.

Funny how often these folks get a sadz (or a rage) about the entirely predictable effects of their own choices, isn’t it? Bc it is entirely predictable that if you leave your h when your child is small, you are probably going to lose 50% of your time with your child and that a whole bunch of things will need to work differently. I think we LBS often think they have a big cunning plan but it’s pretty common as the reality tyres hit the road to see that they have not thought it through much at all lol. But glad you can see that it is no longer your job to clean up any mess she makes in her own aisle.

[LBSinUSA]

Journaling Update:

Its been a month now since STBXW left and I feel surprisingly....good?  Being alone again, it feels somewhat odd but at the same time Im really not far removed from when I lived alone and took care of myself.   So its kind of like going back into familiar territory if that makes sense.  The weekends have been great and I no longer dread coming home.   I think the lifting of that dread and the constant egg-shell walking I was doing between MLC and her MIL really was draining me.   I understand there are ups and downs in this process but by being alone I think I am going to be in a much better place to tackle those issues as they arise.

I ended up opting to stay in the same development and just move across the street to another townhome.  I dont have the master bedroom I would have preferred but they cut me a deal to stay and even waived a month of rent for me.   My son gets to stay in the same neighborhood he likes and I have my own little private courtyard for him and the dogs.  Its also a nicer community.  I wanted a whole change but the other place was incompetent about getting my dogs approved and demanded more money in a security deposit the day before move in.  I told them No and just opted for the easier move.  I have to stay in the current unit for another two months but whatever.  With MLC and MIL gone, its far more tolerable.

STBXW was surprised I stayed.  She thought I was moving into the other area for sons school but thats not something Im worried about for at least 3 more years.  While I wanted him in the school system for the other area, I cant even enroll him into anything for another 2 1/2 years.   I figure I can always move if need be.  I think she was surprised I stayed because financially she didnt think I could pull it off.  I feel in her damaged brain she had a sense of joy that by leaving she would also be forcing me to downgrade.   Or that I would sacrifice giving S2 his own room.  Shes got him living in a room with her and MIL.  I just sense shes deeply resentful of me.

She also started doing an odd thing over the last few weeks.   She started texting my sister videos of her activities with S2.  Now this could be because I have not engaged with her really aside from coordinating dates and pick ups for S2.  So she could be looking for someone to show her texts with.  But she hasnt spoken to my sister in almost a year prior to this and was downright rude to her over the holidays when she sulked off in a corner during Christmas and NYE. 

The videos seem to show the gifts her family has been buying S2 which includes stuff like a little bike.  My sister senses STBXW is trying to show that she has family that buys S2 gifts as well.  My sister is very successful and has really progressed in her career over the last couple of years.  This in turn has led her to being the aunt that always treats S2 to different gifts, toys, experiences etc.  On the weekends I have S2, my sister joins us most of the time.  She has really stepped up as an aunt and since she doesnt have kids of her own, shes taken this time as a way to really involve herself in me and S2's activities and for that I am grateful.  Shes the only relative I have left so its nice he will have some family from me. 

Either way shes been polite and cordial in responding to the texts.  I told her for the time being STBXW has a teenager mentality so who knows whats going on.  Her family has been liking my photos and social media as well when I put up stuff of S2.  I am being polite with them as aside from MIL, none of them have done anything wrong to me.

Last week I set up S2 room and he loves it.  I themed it airplanes and space.  So he has an airplane themed comforter for his bed.  He also has a little rocket ship tent with some stuffed animals and books so he can read.  And I got him a little astronaut man projector that projects space onto the ceiling.  He loves it and falls asleep with it on while he tries to count the stars and planets.  I am very glad he has his own room.  He is sleeping very well in there.  The pugs have even decided they prefer his room to mine when hes there. 

Now that I think on it, that is likely a source of resentment for STBXW but whatever.  She chose her path, now go lie down in the consequences.  I do have to see her in person for the first time in a month and Im not looking forward to it.  S2 has a Dr appt to see if he needs speech therapy.  I dont think he does as the guidelines from the CDC and state say he is hitting his milestones and hes very vocal.  But Ill see what they say. 

Theres another appt in a couple months where they are going to see if he needs to go to a county school for kids with learning disabilities or might be on the spectrum.  S2 was originally flagged for not engaging with other kids about 9 months ago.  But since then hes become a little social butterfly.  He runs and greets kids at the daycare now, engages with every kid he sees at the park and at parties will go off and play with the other kids little games like catch and race his cars.  So Ive seen great progress.  But I have a distrust of the county evaluators conducting this test.  Everyone I know who had their kids do the evaluation was recommended the special school fulltime.  Most chose to do individual lessons once or twice a week for a couple hours instead and their kids ended up fine as they felt the fulltime school was a bit overboard. 

But STBXW I can tell is hoping they will recommend he be put in the school. She says its because they have smaller class sizes and will get him to catch up but I think her motives are because the school is free and she sees it as a ticket to get out of child support since by me paying for daycare, I get a credit for child support that actually ends up with her owing me money.   But I look at son and I see that he seems to be progressing well and given that his home life is having so much upheaval, I dont want to pull him from his daycare.  He loves the daycare and I dont want to introduce more instability.   Its a hard question to answer and I will have to see what the evaluators say. 

Thanks all for listening.  I dont know if this is No Contact or Detachment or what but it really works.  Im in a better head space than Ive been in for quite some time. 

[FaithWalker]

Sounds like a great update

S2's room sounds adorable. 

[OffRoad]

I have to say, I'm a bit disappointed in your daycare. A child has parents who are going through issues and then a separation and they flag him for "the spectrum"? How about he's just stressed because his family is stressed.....

I'm glad you have gotten him out and about. It is important for kids to see what it's like outside their own four walls and whatever day care they are in. And keeping to the custody is good for your son and good for you. And staying in the same neighborhood, at least for now, is stabilizing for your son.  Sounds like you are doing  great job as a father.

I'm sorry for what you have been going through. You've made some great choices. You cannot control anything she does, only what you do, so keep on taking care of you and S2.

[LBSinUSA]

Journaling Update:

Its been awhile since Ive updated so I figure I may as well.  This is my weekend with S2 and he's been having a blast with me this weekend. We went to the aircraft museum next to where I live.  He loves airplanes so he was very excited to see all the little models of the WW1 and WW2 planes they have.  We also went to swimming lessons and watched football.  Hes starting to enjoy watching sports with me.  I think he just likes my reactions. 

I am moving next month across the street to a smaller place.  Im excited to move as I can see Im a bit melancholy still staying in the same place Ive been for the last 4 years.  At least its been better the last couple of months without STBXW and MIL.

Ive been alone here now for over two months. I barely speak with STBXW.  As time has gone on, I find myself more and more disgusted with her and the desire to even talk to her has dropped off a cliff.  I keep discussions to logistics with regards to S2 and thats it.  If she attempts to talk beyond that, I dont respond. 

Someone rear-ended her in her car a couple weeks ago while son was in the backseat.  She was calling me nonstop but I was asleep.  She eventually reached out to my sister who called me.  Once I found out son was ok, she began asking me questions about what to do.  I told her that if she thought something was wrong go to an urgent care or ER.  She may have been trying to get legal info as she can sue the guy who hit her, but theres no way I would give her any advice.  (Im an atty). 

What worried me was that I read stories on here about the sudden car accidents MLCers seem to get into.  While she was rear-ended I get scared thinking she has S2 in her car while her polluted brain is in lala land.  Its something I have to work through.

Anyways, this was a rough week for me.  At work we were slated for a significant raise but it fell apart because our union decided increasing form 35 to 40 hours was too much.  I was very displeased at the union meeting and did not shy away from telling people what I thought.  I generally dont like unions and for this very reason.   The raise would have been amazing and settled alot of the issues I can see coming but I guess when you come from money and have parents paying your rent into your 30s and 40s then its not a big deal to turn down a huge raise and screw over the other people in the office. 

Well thats about it.  I am continuing my detachment.  I snapped at STBXW on text.  She felt the need to send me some books for S2 from the county.  I told her not to send me anything.  It wasnt really about her sending the books, as much as me being in a very bad mood due to the aforementioned union turning down the raise that day.  Regardless, I dont care if I was rude to her given what shes done, but looking back it wasnt a big deal to send me books.  I think I just dont trust anything she does and see it as a form of anchor checking. 

I hope all is well.  And now were getting ready to go to the Pug Meetup in our city.  The dogs are dressing as pumpkins with S2. 

Edit: Also as an aside, Ive read through some threads and I can say the best advice Ive gotten was from my attorney who told me to immediately establish 50/50 custody when you have kids if the MLCer wants to take them for more than that.  For all the stuff Im dealing with, STBXW hasnt been testing me on that lately and that was my biggest concern. 

[FaithWalker]

I am so glad S2 is okay after the accident! 

Sorry to hear about the bummer with the union decisions. 

In regards to pushing back about the books, you are entitled to feel the way you feel.  I've taken things like that as a criticism before.  My xH may not have intended it that way, but it didn't mean that I still felt the way that I felt about it.

[LBSinUSA]

Another month down since I last posted and I finally moved.  I pretty much did the entire move on my own across the street .  A couple friends of mine came by just to help with the couch and king mattress.  It feels good in a way to be out of that house and kind of starting my own life up.  My son loves his new room as much as his old room.  Its about the same size and he has his own bathroom now.  Since hes spending the other half of the nights in a bedroom with STBXW and her mom I think hes now aware he likes having his own room and the dogs snuggling with him.   

The failed marriage anniversary came and went last month.  I did not say or send anything.  STBXW wrote a message to me about how much she appreciated how I was looking after S2 during the last weeks and, even though we had disagreements,  she thanked me for giving her the best with S2.  She said I was a good person and good Dad.  I didnt respond or say anything because I dont feel the same about her.  In fact I think shes a horrible, disgusting person and a lousy mother who destroyed her childs family.  Shes also a cheater even if she continues to lie about it.  Rather than tell her that I just shut up.   I figure the old adage is "You can get in the mud and fight with a pig if you want to, but in the end you both end up dirty and the pig likes it."

I did have to suffer her presence at S2's assessment with the county a couple of weeks ago.  The assessment went well I suppose.  They are going to give me the results tomorrow.  Thankfully its over Zoom so I dont have to see STBXW.  If S2 has an issue then I think hes likely high functioning but I just dont see it.  He seems to be progressing pretty good and I am trying to keep an open eye to whats wrong.  It seems to me they could probably find something wrong with every two year old and say theres a delay or they are on the spectrum. I will know more tomorrow.  I am not going to send him to one of the county schools regardless of what they say as I think putting him in a room filled with kids who are severely delayed would be a mistake as he will learn from them.

After the assessment the MLC decided to try and give S2 breakfast while we were all together.  I walked and waited in my car.  I had to be at work that day so I just left.  It seemed she wanted the 3 of us to hang out that day but that is simply not going to happen.  I ended up letting her have him an extra night as it was moving day (ended up moving weekend) and I needed to get things ready.  She attempted to come by and say she wanted S2 to see his new place but I told her not too as I had already showed it to him.  I think this is anchor checking.   

I seem to be drawing interest at work with another woman.  I dont know how ready to date I am.  I dont think I am.  I just kind of want the holidays to be over with and get ready to file for D. next year.  Knowing myself, its going to be a very long time before I can be civil with STBXW for any extended period of time.  She texts me with nonsense alot of the time, most of it pertaining to S2.  I might be being unreasonable to a degree but I just cannot be in contact with someone whose done what shes done to me. 

Sorry for the rant, but I figured its better here than to her.   

[Reinventing]

That's great that your move is over. Yes, keeping her at arms length is good while the emotions run high and she is interested in trying to have more time with S2.

The nice thing I that you can interact a certain way now and keep it the same or change it in the future. So no pressure.

Not reacting is commendable, especially with all the big changes in your life in a relatively short amount of time.

[Flummoxed]

100% agree with Reinventing, just wanted to say no apologies needed- absolutely feel free to vent. We can relate and empathize. Maybe take your time with dating until you’re in a more detached/peaceful place, but of course, do what’s best for you. Congrats on the move and keep on forward!

[Treasur]

I agree with the others that keeping contact minimal while your emotions are running hot is a good thing. As a lawyer, you have probably seen examples where folks don’t do that. And your new home sounds like a very positive step forward for you and your son.

You probably have a lot of strong emotions right now, and that’s ok and quite normal. Some of those emotions may feel quite uncomfortable to have. What most of us here can tell you is that it is highly unlikely you will always feel all of them as strongly as you do now ad infinitum….but the way forward is through them and that’s how we heal. Which is why it’s so wise to avoid being driven to short term reactions bc of them. And wise to avoid dating for a while too. Bc life, and you, will not always feel how it feels right now, but one’s eye is a bit skewed while it does.

[LBSinUSA]

Journaling:

Thanks all for advice.  The holidays I figured would be the roughest for me so I am trying to get through it.  Last year's were worst though when I was coming home every day to the walking nightmare that was STBXW.  At least now I have peace when I get home.

Last week I met up for a work happy hour and afterwards I met up with my friend's friend for a spur of the moment date she set up.  I figured it didnt hurt too and see how I felt.  While pleasant and nice, I (and she as well) came to the conclusion I wasnt ready to date seriously yet.  She also has a young child and when she explained to me what happened to her marriage it sounded like MLC to me but she said her Ex H was a narcissist.  Frankly the more I spoke with her, the more I thought she was in a MLC tunnel.  Regardless it was nice to know I still have value to some women as being a catch. 

Last week my son's assessment came back and they told us he was delayed socially and emotionally.  They recommended him or the full time county school which I was expecting.  STBXW took the assessment very hard and was upset.  His therapist who we have meetings with every week told me she doesnt see the social emotional issues.  I take him to the playground and he always runs up to engage with the kids there so I struggle to see the issues.  I am unsure how STBXW's sessions are going (they alternate each week) but from the sounds of it, hes more responsive to instructions and dealing with transitions with me.  That could be a male thing or he may have picked up somethings off with her and he can get away with what he wants at her place. 

I am pretty much driving the train on what to do for S2's schooling which is fine by me.  The daycare he is at now says they can work with him and they have services to provide him to help.  I am not going to pull him out of his daycare especially given the complete upheaval hes had in his home life.  STBXW is on board but I suspect its because shes aware that since son has a diagnosed delay hes eligible for free daycare via scholarship now at his current daycare.  She wanted to put him in the county program which was also free but changed her tune recently when she found out about the scholarship.  So your all aware, since I pay for daycare I get a childcare credit in child support which actually ends up with her owing me money in child support even though I make more. 

Ive been getting a stream of the Sadz texts from her.  After the assessment she told me she wished we could talk more about S2 and the progress were seeing.  I dont think thats unreasonable on the surface but most of what she discusses is just what she wants me to do with him and not vice versa.  She told me she knows I hate her but she theres for me to talk about S2 whenever I want.  She asked me to call him every night when hes at her place.  Again, hes 2 so he doesnt really care about FaceTime for more than 20 seconds.  Yesterday for thanksgiving I did keep him entertained for a few minutes by putting the dogs on and his stuffed animals who he said hello to.  Regardless, I figure he will soon be asking to speak with me on his own which is fine but its pointless to talk to a toddler on FaceTime if hes just going to put the phone down and wonder off in 30 seconds. 

She is taking him to Disney World for a day for his bday next weekend.  She invited me to come along but thats about the last thing on this planet I want to do.  She has mentioned before that she expected we would still do family outings to the theme parks and trips and what not.  I told her that I could not imagine a scenario where that would happen if she ever ran out on me.  She asked my sister join too but I dont think my sister would join. 

Last weekend she texted me she missed her family and that it was her dream family and would always be her dream family.  I didnt respond to this or any of these texts because they dont pertain to S2 for the most part.

I think emotionally I am in a rough patch for the holidays as I expected but not quite as bad as last year when I was scrambling trying to figure out why STBXW was being horrible to me.   I  think being on my own has paid off dividends but it can still be sad especially when S2 isnt here.  I am planning some trips next year as I havent done much travelling since STBXWs descent into madness.  Its been almost two years since her mom fell in Colorado and then it was discovered she had Stage 4 cancer.  That was the last real trip I took other than some business trips here and there. 

I sense Im burned out from the anger to a degree.  It takes a lot to remain mad at some one.  The last few days Ive felt even sorry a little for STBXW.  I know this is all a part of the process of grieving.  I am hardly speaking with her which I think is helping in the long run.  I will have to talk more as S2 gets older and issues need to addressed.  But for right now, detachment is the way to go. Especially as Treasur says when emotions are running hot.

Anyways happy holidays.  Healing is a process and we all are at different stages. Its nice to know Im not alone on this journey.

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

Happy holidays to you as well.

Regardless it was nice to know I still have value to some women as being a catch.

It is a good feeling. During MLC, especially after bomb drop, you feel so worthless. I felt as if no one would ever want to be with me. Trust me, you have a lot of value.

Last week my son's assessment came back and they told us he was delayed socially and emotionally.  They recommended him or the full time county school which I was expecting.

Your son is young and if you start interventions now, it will payoff more in the long run. Are they recommending a IEP (Individual Education Plan) for him? and if so, do they have any goals in mind? Also, did he receive a full assessment from a Speech and Language Pathologist (SLP) as well?

She told me she knows I hate her

Words are funny. I was born in the southern United States and we use the word hate in the same manner we put salt on pour popcorn- as much as possible. It carries very little meaning or impact. In other parts of the country, hate is an extreme word and has lots of impact. Why does she know that you hate her? Is it because she has done a little reflecting on her actions and determined that she hasn't been the best person towards you and has earned your dislike.

In my situation, I will have to work for three additional years and still lose almost 15% of my retirement to my ex. That really sucks as I am just about to turn 60 and would have only had a little more than two years to work before I could retire at almost 90% of my highest year.
Gone. All so she could pursue her new life. Am I angry? Yes. Do I hate her? No. Instead, I just don't trust her and that trust is completely gone.

By casting aside trust, we are able to detach. Hate, even in the strongest of terms, is still an attachment to the other person. I treat my ex with respect and I listen to what she says, but I don't trust her. While I appear calm, inside I am emotionally flat towards her. She might as well be a stranger I am helping fix a flat tire. Am I nice to them? Of course, but I am not about to have them hold my wallet either.

By suspending your trust with her, you can actually deal with her and not react towards her issues with the same concerns and care that you had when you were married.

Healing is a process and we all are at different stages. Its nice to know Im not alone on this journey.

You are much further down the road then I was at this time and place. I wasn't healing, instead, I focused on trying to navigate a solution to save my family. It did nothing for me except raise the level of contempt she had for me. By setting strong boundaries and keeping them, you have been able to avoid getting sucked into her drama and able to heal yourself at the same time. Good job!

Continue down your path and have a great time with your son during the holidays. The anger will subside and let it be replaced with a sense of joy and bliss that comes with having a young child in your life. Believe me, they grow up quick and hopefully you will treasure these memories as much as I have.

Best to you,

(((Ready)))



That way, you can have a solid plan to get him well-adjusted prior to the start of his elementary school.

[LBSinUSA]

Last week my son's assessment came back and they told us he was delayed socially and emotionally.  They recommended him or the full time county school which I was expecting.

Your son is young and if you start interventions now, it will payoff more in the long run. Are they recommending a IEP (Individual Education Plan) for him? and if so, do they have any goals in mind? Also, did he receive a full assessment from a Speech and Language Pathologist (SLP) as well?

Yes they recommended an IEP and the goal is to get him more functional in a classroom setting.  He had an SLP evaluation and they recommended he have lessons twice a week but right now I can only afford once (another reason I am disgusted with STBXW as shes plunged the family into a lousy financial situation for the time being in her selfish, idiotic pursuit of whatever it is she wants).  I didnt get quite see what he was getting from the SLP lessons at first but now I see as he seems to be improving. 

To be honest, he was never flagged for Speech issues prior to a couple of months ago and that was only made by a neurologist who wrote a referral after meeting him for maybe 5 minutes.   I am highly skeptical of alot of this process but if there is an issue I figure they know more than me and early intervention is the best.  I want him to get the help he needs but when I take him around other kids his age, he seems to function like they do and is very social.  He turns 3 soon and I will see if these early intervention steps improve things for him.  His school has told me if there is an issue, he is very high functioning and his current therapist told me she doesnt see any social emotional issues.  I take more stock in that than in someone whos met him once for an hour. .

I think he has a lot of chaos in his home life that is causing some (not all) issues and he struggles adapting to new situations.  He seems to be fine with me and I constantly get told "He's doing great with me too!" by STBXW.  I dont actually think thats the case based on what Ive been told by the therapist and school.  But again I cant control that no matter how much it upsets me so I can only do the best on my 50 percent of the time. 

As to why STBXW says I hate her: I am just not very responsive to her and shes taken that to mean I hate her.  I dont respond to most of her texts as they seem to always have a measure of trying to control me in them.  I really only communicate regarding S2 logistical issues and sometimes my thoughts on his progress.  Sometimes though I find that hard, as saying "Yeah, S2 is having a hard time and alot of it is because his home life is a chaotic mess because of your behavior the last year and a half" is not going to solve anything. I dont think thats hate for what its worth, its just me trying to avoid setting off an unstable person and introducing more chaos to S2's life.