[OffRoad]

I have to say, I'm a bit disappointed in your daycare. A child has parents who are going through issues and then a separation and they flag him for "the spectrum"? How about he's just stressed because his family is stressed.....

I'm glad you have gotten him out and about. It is important for kids to see what it's like outside their own four walls and whatever day care they are in. And keeping to the custody is good for your son and good for you. And staying in the same neighborhood, at least for now, is stabilizing for your son.  Sounds like you are doing  great job as a father.

I'm sorry for what you have been going through. You've made some great choices. You cannot control anything she does, only what you do, so keep on taking care of you and S2.

[LBSinUSA]

Journaling Update:

Its been awhile since Ive updated so I figure I may as well.  This is my weekend with S2 and he's been having a blast with me this weekend. We went to the aircraft museum next to where I live.  He loves airplanes so he was very excited to see all the little models of the WW1 and WW2 planes they have.  We also went to swimming lessons and watched football.  Hes starting to enjoy watching sports with me.  I think he just likes my reactions. 

I am moving next month across the street to a smaller place.  Im excited to move as I can see Im a bit melancholy still staying in the same place Ive been for the last 4 years.  At least its been better the last couple of months without STBXW and MIL.

Ive been alone here now for over two months. I barely speak with STBXW.  As time has gone on, I find myself more and more disgusted with her and the desire to even talk to her has dropped off a cliff.  I keep discussions to logistics with regards to S2 and thats it.  If she attempts to talk beyond that, I dont respond. 

Someone rear-ended her in her car a couple weeks ago while son was in the backseat.  She was calling me nonstop but I was asleep.  She eventually reached out to my sister who called me.  Once I found out son was ok, she began asking me questions about what to do.  I told her that if she thought something was wrong go to an urgent care or ER.  She may have been trying to get legal info as she can sue the guy who hit her, but theres no way I would give her any advice.  (Im an atty). 

What worried me was that I read stories on here about the sudden car accidents MLCers seem to get into.  While she was rear-ended I get scared thinking she has S2 in her car while her polluted brain is in lala land.  Its something I have to work through.

Anyways, this was a rough week for me.  At work we were slated for a significant raise but it fell apart because our union decided increasing form 35 to 40 hours was too much.  I was very displeased at the union meeting and did not shy away from telling people what I thought.  I generally dont like unions and for this very reason.   The raise would have been amazing and settled alot of the issues I can see coming but I guess when you come from money and have parents paying your rent into your 30s and 40s then its not a big deal to turn down a huge raise and screw over the other people in the office. 

Well thats about it.  I am continuing my detachment.  I snapped at STBXW on text.  She felt the need to send me some books for S2 from the county.  I told her not to send me anything.  It wasnt really about her sending the books, as much as me being in a very bad mood due to the aforementioned union turning down the raise that day.  Regardless, I dont care if I was rude to her given what shes done, but looking back it wasnt a big deal to send me books.  I think I just dont trust anything she does and see it as a form of anchor checking. 

I hope all is well.  And now were getting ready to go to the Pug Meetup in our city.  The dogs are dressing as pumpkins with S2. 

Edit: Also as an aside, Ive read through some threads and I can say the best advice Ive gotten was from my attorney who told me to immediately establish 50/50 custody when you have kids if the MLCer wants to take them for more than that.  For all the stuff Im dealing with, STBXW hasnt been testing me on that lately and that was my biggest concern. 

[FaithWalker]

I am so glad S2 is okay after the accident! 

Sorry to hear about the bummer with the union decisions. 

In regards to pushing back about the books, you are entitled to feel the way you feel.  I've taken things like that as a criticism before.  My xH may not have intended it that way, but it didn't mean that I still felt the way that I felt about it.

[LBSinUSA]

Another month down since I last posted and I finally moved.  I pretty much did the entire move on my own across the street .  A couple friends of mine came by just to help with the couch and king mattress.  It feels good in a way to be out of that house and kind of starting my own life up.  My son loves his new room as much as his old room.  Its about the same size and he has his own bathroom now.  Since hes spending the other half of the nights in a bedroom with STBXW and her mom I think hes now aware he likes having his own room and the dogs snuggling with him.   

The failed marriage anniversary came and went last month.  I did not say or send anything.  STBXW wrote a message to me about how much she appreciated how I was looking after S2 during the last weeks and, even though we had disagreements,  she thanked me for giving her the best with S2.  She said I was a good person and good Dad.  I didnt respond or say anything because I dont feel the same about her.  In fact I think shes a horrible, disgusting person and a lousy mother who destroyed her childs family.  Shes also a cheater even if she continues to lie about it.  Rather than tell her that I just shut up.   I figure the old adage is "You can get in the mud and fight with a pig if you want to, but in the end you both end up dirty and the pig likes it."

I did have to suffer her presence at S2's assessment with the county a couple of weeks ago.  The assessment went well I suppose.  They are going to give me the results tomorrow.  Thankfully its over Zoom so I dont have to see STBXW.  If S2 has an issue then I think hes likely high functioning but I just dont see it.  He seems to be progressing pretty good and I am trying to keep an open eye to whats wrong.  It seems to me they could probably find something wrong with every two year old and say theres a delay or they are on the spectrum. I will know more tomorrow.  I am not going to send him to one of the county schools regardless of what they say as I think putting him in a room filled with kids who are severely delayed would be a mistake as he will learn from them.

After the assessment the MLC decided to try and give S2 breakfast while we were all together.  I walked and waited in my car.  I had to be at work that day so I just left.  It seemed she wanted the 3 of us to hang out that day but that is simply not going to happen.  I ended up letting her have him an extra night as it was moving day (ended up moving weekend) and I needed to get things ready.  She attempted to come by and say she wanted S2 to see his new place but I told her not too as I had already showed it to him.  I think this is anchor checking.   

I seem to be drawing interest at work with another woman.  I dont know how ready to date I am.  I dont think I am.  I just kind of want the holidays to be over with and get ready to file for D. next year.  Knowing myself, its going to be a very long time before I can be civil with STBXW for any extended period of time.  She texts me with nonsense alot of the time, most of it pertaining to S2.  I might be being unreasonable to a degree but I just cannot be in contact with someone whose done what shes done to me. 

Sorry for the rant, but I figured its better here than to her.   

[Reinventing]

That's great that your move is over. Yes, keeping her at arms length is good while the emotions run high and she is interested in trying to have more time with S2.

The nice thing I that you can interact a certain way now and keep it the same or change it in the future. So no pressure.

Not reacting is commendable, especially with all the big changes in your life in a relatively short amount of time.

[Flummoxed]

100% agree with Reinventing, just wanted to say no apologies needed- absolutely feel free to vent. We can relate and empathize. Maybe take your time with dating until you’re in a more detached/peaceful place, but of course, do what’s best for you. Congrats on the move and keep on forward!

[Treasur]

I agree with the others that keeping contact minimal while your emotions are running hot is a good thing. As a lawyer, you have probably seen examples where folks don’t do that. And your new home sounds like a very positive step forward for you and your son.

You probably have a lot of strong emotions right now, and that’s ok and quite normal. Some of those emotions may feel quite uncomfortable to have. What most of us here can tell you is that it is highly unlikely you will always feel all of them as strongly as you do now ad infinitum….but the way forward is through them and that’s how we heal. Which is why it’s so wise to avoid being driven to short term reactions bc of them. And wise to avoid dating for a while too. Bc life, and you, will not always feel how it feels right now, but one’s eye is a bit skewed while it does.

[LBSinUSA]

Journaling:

Thanks all for advice.  The holidays I figured would be the roughest for me so I am trying to get through it.  Last year's were worst though when I was coming home every day to the walking nightmare that was STBXW.  At least now I have peace when I get home.

Last week I met up for a work happy hour and afterwards I met up with my friend's friend for a spur of the moment date she set up.  I figured it didnt hurt too and see how I felt.  While pleasant and nice, I (and she as well) came to the conclusion I wasnt ready to date seriously yet.  She also has a young child and when she explained to me what happened to her marriage it sounded like MLC to me but she said her Ex H was a narcissist.  Frankly the more I spoke with her, the more I thought she was in a MLC tunnel.  Regardless it was nice to know I still have value to some women as being a catch. 

Last week my son's assessment came back and they told us he was delayed socially and emotionally.  They recommended him or the full time county school which I was expecting.  STBXW took the assessment very hard and was upset.  His therapist who we have meetings with every week told me she doesnt see the social emotional issues.  I take him to the playground and he always runs up to engage with the kids there so I struggle to see the issues.  I am unsure how STBXW's sessions are going (they alternate each week) but from the sounds of it, hes more responsive to instructions and dealing with transitions with me.  That could be a male thing or he may have picked up somethings off with her and he can get away with what he wants at her place. 

I am pretty much driving the train on what to do for S2's schooling which is fine by me.  The daycare he is at now says they can work with him and they have services to provide him to help.  I am not going to pull him out of his daycare especially given the complete upheaval hes had in his home life.  STBXW is on board but I suspect its because shes aware that since son has a diagnosed delay hes eligible for free daycare via scholarship now at his current daycare.  She wanted to put him in the county program which was also free but changed her tune recently when she found out about the scholarship.  So your all aware, since I pay for daycare I get a childcare credit in child support which actually ends up with her owing me money in child support even though I make more. 

Ive been getting a stream of the Sadz texts from her.  After the assessment she told me she wished we could talk more about S2 and the progress were seeing.  I dont think thats unreasonable on the surface but most of what she discusses is just what she wants me to do with him and not vice versa.  She told me she knows I hate her but she theres for me to talk about S2 whenever I want.  She asked me to call him every night when hes at her place.  Again, hes 2 so he doesnt really care about FaceTime for more than 20 seconds.  Yesterday for thanksgiving I did keep him entertained for a few minutes by putting the dogs on and his stuffed animals who he said hello to.  Regardless, I figure he will soon be asking to speak with me on his own which is fine but its pointless to talk to a toddler on FaceTime if hes just going to put the phone down and wonder off in 30 seconds. 

She is taking him to Disney World for a day for his bday next weekend.  She invited me to come along but thats about the last thing on this planet I want to do.  She has mentioned before that she expected we would still do family outings to the theme parks and trips and what not.  I told her that I could not imagine a scenario where that would happen if she ever ran out on me.  She asked my sister join too but I dont think my sister would join. 

Last weekend she texted me she missed her family and that it was her dream family and would always be her dream family.  I didnt respond to this or any of these texts because they dont pertain to S2 for the most part.

I think emotionally I am in a rough patch for the holidays as I expected but not quite as bad as last year when I was scrambling trying to figure out why STBXW was being horrible to me.   I  think being on my own has paid off dividends but it can still be sad especially when S2 isnt here.  I am planning some trips next year as I havent done much travelling since STBXWs descent into madness.  Its been almost two years since her mom fell in Colorado and then it was discovered she had Stage 4 cancer.  That was the last real trip I took other than some business trips here and there. 

I sense Im burned out from the anger to a degree.  It takes a lot to remain mad at some one.  The last few days Ive felt even sorry a little for STBXW.  I know this is all a part of the process of grieving.  I am hardly speaking with her which I think is helping in the long run.  I will have to talk more as S2 gets older and issues need to addressed.  But for right now, detachment is the way to go. Especially as Treasur says when emotions are running hot.

Anyways happy holidays.  Healing is a process and we all are at different stages. Its nice to know Im not alone on this journey.

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

Happy holidays to you as well.

Regardless it was nice to know I still have value to some women as being a catch.

It is a good feeling. During MLC, especially after bomb drop, you feel so worthless. I felt as if no one would ever want to be with me. Trust me, you have a lot of value.

Last week my son's assessment came back and they told us he was delayed socially and emotionally.  They recommended him or the full time county school which I was expecting.

Your son is young and if you start interventions now, it will payoff more in the long run. Are they recommending a IEP (Individual Education Plan) for him? and if so, do they have any goals in mind? Also, did he receive a full assessment from a Speech and Language Pathologist (SLP) as well?

She told me she knows I hate her

Words are funny. I was born in the southern United States and we use the word hate in the same manner we put salt on pour popcorn- as much as possible. It carries very little meaning or impact. In other parts of the country, hate is an extreme word and has lots of impact. Why does she know that you hate her? Is it because she has done a little reflecting on her actions and determined that she hasn't been the best person towards you and has earned your dislike.

In my situation, I will have to work for three additional years and still lose almost 15% of my retirement to my ex. That really sucks as I am just about to turn 60 and would have only had a little more than two years to work before I could retire at almost 90% of my highest year.
Gone. All so she could pursue her new life. Am I angry? Yes. Do I hate her? No. Instead, I just don't trust her and that trust is completely gone.

By casting aside trust, we are able to detach. Hate, even in the strongest of terms, is still an attachment to the other person. I treat my ex with respect and I listen to what she says, but I don't trust her. While I appear calm, inside I am emotionally flat towards her. She might as well be a stranger I am helping fix a flat tire. Am I nice to them? Of course, but I am not about to have them hold my wallet either.

By suspending your trust with her, you can actually deal with her and not react towards her issues with the same concerns and care that you had when you were married.

Healing is a process and we all are at different stages. Its nice to know Im not alone on this journey.

You are much further down the road then I was at this time and place. I wasn't healing, instead, I focused on trying to navigate a solution to save my family. It did nothing for me except raise the level of contempt she had for me. By setting strong boundaries and keeping them, you have been able to avoid getting sucked into her drama and able to heal yourself at the same time. Good job!

Continue down your path and have a great time with your son during the holidays. The anger will subside and let it be replaced with a sense of joy and bliss that comes with having a young child in your life. Believe me, they grow up quick and hopefully you will treasure these memories as much as I have.

Best to you,

(((Ready)))



That way, you can have a solid plan to get him well-adjusted prior to the start of his elementary school.

[LBSinUSA]

Last week my son's assessment came back and they told us he was delayed socially and emotionally.  They recommended him or the full time county school which I was expecting.

Your son is young and if you start interventions now, it will payoff more in the long run. Are they recommending a IEP (Individual Education Plan) for him? and if so, do they have any goals in mind? Also, did he receive a full assessment from a Speech and Language Pathologist (SLP) as well?

Yes they recommended an IEP and the goal is to get him more functional in a classroom setting.  He had an SLP evaluation and they recommended he have lessons twice a week but right now I can only afford once (another reason I am disgusted with STBXW as shes plunged the family into a lousy financial situation for the time being in her selfish, idiotic pursuit of whatever it is she wants).  I didnt get quite see what he was getting from the SLP lessons at first but now I see as he seems to be improving. 

To be honest, he was never flagged for Speech issues prior to a couple of months ago and that was only made by a neurologist who wrote a referral after meeting him for maybe 5 minutes.   I am highly skeptical of alot of this process but if there is an issue I figure they know more than me and early intervention is the best.  I want him to get the help he needs but when I take him around other kids his age, he seems to function like they do and is very social.  He turns 3 soon and I will see if these early intervention steps improve things for him.  His school has told me if there is an issue, he is very high functioning and his current therapist told me she doesnt see any social emotional issues.  I take more stock in that than in someone whos met him once for an hour. .

I think he has a lot of chaos in his home life that is causing some (not all) issues and he struggles adapting to new situations.  He seems to be fine with me and I constantly get told "He's doing great with me too!" by STBXW.  I dont actually think thats the case based on what Ive been told by the therapist and school.  But again I cant control that no matter how much it upsets me so I can only do the best on my 50 percent of the time. 

As to why STBXW says I hate her: I am just not very responsive to her and shes taken that to mean I hate her.  I dont respond to most of her texts as they seem to always have a measure of trying to control me in them.  I really only communicate regarding S2 logistical issues and sometimes my thoughts on his progress.  Sometimes though I find that hard, as saying "Yeah, S2 is having a hard time and alot of it is because his home life is a chaotic mess because of your behavior the last year and a half" is not going to solve anything. I dont think thats hate for what its worth, its just me trying to avoid setting off an unstable person and introducing more chaos to S2's life.