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Author Topic: My Story It’s been 2 months

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My Story It’s been 2 months
#10: July 12, 2024, 09:25:38 AM
Your lawyer can advise you if pictures are enough.

If you have this already, make sure that you know the amounts that are in each account....go back if you can so you can see if there is $$ missing. Having proof of this can also help.

Although it is wonderful that you will have DS support, it still really is a good idea to have your own financial security that is rightfully yours.....and the OW's  are not entitled to what is rightfully yours.
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"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

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Re: It’s been 2 months
#11: July 12, 2024, 11:50:46 AM
Call a locksmith.
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me 51
H 51
M 27
BD 1/15/ 10 then BD 8/21/10
D final 8/13

L

LC

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It’s been 2 months
#12: July 12, 2024, 12:32:00 PM
I have key to the patio door and the bedroom lock is a standard push button. I can’t change the locks on our house because we both own and I can’t lock him out of his own house. I have been advised to put a chain lock on and set a curfew. He starts moving his stuff out Sunday night. He should be most of the way out by Wednesday.
My son volunteered to be financial safety net if everything goes south and we have nothing. I have a paid off credit card in my name with enough to at least get a retainer and stuff started.  I didn’t want any of the kids to have to go thru this. I don’t want their lives shipwrecked because of my DH and my stupid choices. The older kids are of the mindset that we are family and stick together and help each in times of need.
“Nobody bails”. My son’s words.

I have read everyone’s stories and posts. I will answer. I need to call my lawyer before they close today.
Thank you all for your  compassionate ears, sharing your experience, and advice.
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Nas

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It’s been 2 months
#13: July 13, 2024, 01:22:59 AM

My son volunteered to be financial safety net if everything goes south and we have nothing.

I'm very happy that your son is there for you, but protecting what is existing right now is really important.  I hope you were able to call the lawyer and set up a meeting. Having "nothing" in theory is very different than really having nothing. If I can stress anything at all, it's that.  It's a difference I don't want anyone to ever have to know the true meaning of.
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« Last Edit: July 13, 2024, 01:32:36 AM by Nas »
The desire to be loved is the last illusion. Give it up and you shall be free. ~ Margaret Atwood

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LC

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It’s been 2 months
#14: July 14, 2024, 04:33:48 PM
So, I know it’s part of the process and it was going to happen. D borrowed a coworker’s pickup truck and he is loading it up. He has a determined I’m getting out of Dodge attitude. There is a sense of finality to this. Anyone else get that funny feeling in the pit of your stomach when this happened to you?
I know it’s the beginning of the process of his journey. I just didnt quite expect to feel this way😕

Tomorrow I speak to a lawyer. I have a credit card and I’m working on getting an online bank account set up.
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Nas

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It’s been 2 months
#15: July 14, 2024, 05:21:15 PM
So, I know it’s part of the process and it was going to happen. D borrowed a coworker’s pickup truck and he is loading it up. He has a determined I’m getting out of Dodge attitude. There is a sense of finality to this. Anyone else get that funny feeling in the pit of your stomach when this happened to you?
I know it’s the beginning of the process of his journey. I just didnt quite expect to feel this way😕

Tomorrow I speak to a lawyer. I have a credit card and I’m working on getting an online bank account set up.

I’m glad you’re getting a bank account set up and talking to a lawyer to find out your rights as to how much you can put in that account and what you are entitled to in regards to every asset.

I just want to caution you on two things, having read all of your posts so far.
1. You’ve mentioned a couple times now having a credit card with no balance. My first caution is not to rely on that as your main, even one of your main sources of security.  Sure, it’s great to have for an emergency. But the last thing you want to do right now is start charging up a credit card and accruing debt that will be yours alone.
2. From your posts, it sounds a little bit like you are thinking in terms of temporary solutions instead of long-term/permanent. I really want to encourage you to start making plans for yourself that are permanent and long-term. This is not a situation where you can find a temporary fix to ride out a storm. The way to get through this now with as little damage to yourself as possible is to view this as the new reality. He is moving out, he is being deceptive and sneaky and doing things behind your back. When you meet with the lawyer, the information you gather should be about how you can live for the rest of your life without him, not how you can live for a short period of time until his “crisis” ends. There is no telling what he might do next and how it might adversely affect you and your kids. This doesn’t mean you can’t have hope for a future reconciliation, but you need security and a game plan no matter what happens.

Good luck with your meeting with the lawyer. I hope you get some good information for taking your next steps and being prepared for whatever he may do next. Lawyers have seen it all, so don’t be afraid to ask any question. The more information the better. Good luck, and hang in there.
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The desire to be loved is the last illusion. Give it up and you shall be free. ~ Margaret Atwood

L

LC

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It’s been 2 months
#16: July 30, 2024, 12:53:31 PM
Hi All,
Sorry I haven’t updated sooner. There’s been alot on my plate lately.  To quickly update, H moved out 7/16/24. I had a phone consult with my lawyer the same day. She told me the following things:
1. To start finding ways to start stashing cash and gift cards. I told her I have been.
2. To not have an earning job , on paper, before anything goes to trial. I can take small cash jobs to save up the $2600 retainer fee, if H files. The money will be deposited in a Trust account.
3. He has to be a resident in his current county for 6 months before he can file anything from there (She said he hasn’t filed).
4. She said we should wait till he files and that she would file for continued maintenance and support while our accounts are tied up, plus possible abandonment because he wouldn’t tell me where in the city he moved to he was living.
5. She told me the Judge in our county requires all divorce and separation cases to go through Mediation, for a fairer dividing of assets.
6. Because of my age, still raising/homeschooling minor dependents and launching another young adult child, as well as being out of the job market for so long. I might be able to stay on his healthcare, get to retain my part of the house as support, alimony until I can get my online business up and running. The 3 youngest would retain their current healthcare and maintenance.

Well, I need to finish up World History lesson with the kids.  I will likely come back later and just journal me feelings away.

Thank you for this space and time to share.
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It’s been 2 months
#17: July 31, 2024, 03:17:35 AM
LC, we are very glad you had a consult with an attorney. It's important for all of us, and especially for someone who has an MLCer acting the way yours is. Most of thought we never would need to know how divorce works and how to protect ourselves from our spouse. It just wasn't what we thought we needed to be prepared for.
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LC

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It’s been 2 months
#18: August 04, 2024, 06:25:46 PM
Thank you for the kind words, Reinventing. Yes, learning about the divorce process and preparing for if/when that should occur, isn’t something I expected I’d be doing a year ago. When I was talking to my lawyer and crying on the phone, she said to me, “Nobody gets married to get divorced.” I guess sometimes the only way up is down. I try to tell myself I am learning valuable skills, no matter what the outcome is.

So today I am journaling in order to help decompress after having to text H about one of our adult children aging out of our health insurance. That part wasn’t too bad. 

Then H texted and said if the 3 youngest haven’t had a fever or picked up anything else from the neighbor kids, he would pick them up Monday before dinner and bring them back Tuesday before dinner, provided he could borrow the SUV, instead of picking them up in his car. We had been sick all last week with Covid and he didn’t ask how any of us were doing. He complained he didn’t have anywhere for them to sleep. I said they would be fine camping in with him (he is renting a luxury apartment. The rent is almost as much as our mortgage). I told him be careful about our youngest son. His older brother and sister told me that he was leaning over the balcony railing last time they visited.  H said that’s not possible because the railing is too tall. I said ok. I was just going by what the other kids told me. I said I would talk to them about it. He said he would, too.  I just kept straight on topic throughout our texting today and didn’t react to anything or get defensive.

Currently he is paying on the mortgage, bills and we get $800/month deposited into one of his bank accounts I have access to. I am getting my ducks lined up. I now have an online bank account with a small cash deposit with my off the record earnings. I’m only leaving enough for a retainer fee, if/when things go south. We have a good canning garden this year. We are all caught up on our dental work. I am working Swag Bucks for Amazon gift cards, for emergency shopping. I have quite a bit of savings at the First Bank of Amazon 😄.
I have managed to slowly accumulate Visa gift cards, averaging 25$/week. I have a cash nest in an undisclosed location. I am part of an online neighborhood group that has a hiring section. I’m looking for a job cleaning houses close by. I’m just preparing for if/when TSHTF.
I find myself wondering how long this stage of MLC will last. H is living at his new place, but he has been taking over a month to get all of his stuff moved out. He even bought furniture kits for a coffee table and barstools and dropped them off here for one of the kids to put together and varnish. When they are finished, he is supposed to come pick them up and take them back to his place. The kid putting together is dragging her feet and understandably so.  H
monsters one minute and takes my stuff the next minute. I am missing my favorite purple shirt, all my charging cords and a BP monitor I bought, plus some homemade jams and jellies.  It’s really weird. It’s challenging to detach.

Today is Sunday and all of the kids friends were spending family time at their homes and couldn’t play today. I’m not alone though. Two other families on our street are in the same bought as we are. One family, a good, upright family, church-going, adopted a bunch of kids from Russia, one of the kids is a sweet special needs boy named Kai. The mom of the family is legally blind and Kai helps her around the house. The Dad holds an auction at his house and then just leaves…Out of the blue.  Another family down the street that’s a 3 generation family home. Good up  Church family. The Grandparents were the original elders of their church. The parents are wonderful and loving. They have 5 children. Then there’s us. A year ago, we home churched. He fellowshipped online with other Messianic Jewish Believers, we prayed together, I supported H when he started having health problems. The kids and I took on more home repair and managing our acre of fruit trees. We had our problems but I never thought someone could just throw away an entire family.  Right now, on this planet, there are parents and spouses crying over the loss of their loved ones. They would do anything to have those precious loved ones back. These MLCers appear be doing anything they can to get rid their families. So, that’s what I am feeling right now.
I am so sorry for the emotional word vomiting….
I should probably go back to the articles about “why” MLCers do this again, and not take it too personally.
Thank you for the space to unload. I can’t afford therapy, but a journal sure helps.
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It’s been 2 months
#19: August 04, 2024, 07:08:03 PM
LC,

You are being inventive in stashing funds, that is good.

We've all been there wondering why they choose to throw the family away. Hard to understand.

One way I understand it is that they fell out of love with themselves and we are part of them so they reject us and their past life as well. That can include children.

They are very selfish and seem to become more selfish as time goes by and they want what they want and want it now.

I wouldn't believe it if I hadn't experienced it.
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