[amazinglove]

Can we please just agree to STOP USING THE WORD RAPE in posts?
I am over it. Enough. Please.

[Baxter1]

FH-

So sorry that you are dealing with this but you seem to have a good handle on things. I’m sure you never thought you would have to worry about your W taking your kids to another country but here you are. MLC is a cruel beast

[FrenchHuman]

Thanks B1, T and AL for your comments.

Can we please just agree to STOP USING THE WORD RAPE in posts?
I am over it. Enough. Please.

OK understood. In the future when I will need to speak with offending words on my thread, I will write in white so that it is invisible for those who don't want to read it. lease forgive me : as a foreigner and not a native, I am not aware of what is offending and what is'nt.

Thank you for the music! I was dancing around here while I cleared up in the kitchen….although the cat walked in, looked at me like I was a crazy woman and walked out ha ha.

You know what ? same time you were writing these words I was dancing in the kitchen with S6 & the music. Instead of a cat D15 was looking at us like we were crazy people ha ha .

After I told D17 about that music I discovered that, she had studied this movie last year during her Italian course. She knows Peppino Impastato.

A bit of journaling
last weeks have been fine. No change for W who continues to come and go few days in the month (around 3-4 days / month is the new standard). I am still very happy in my life with the children and going ahead.
For Christmas it is now settled that we will go to my brother and SIL. I am wanting it. The children are wanting it. Guess who is not wanting it, who is unhappy ?  . When W complains I tell her that she has not sent any clear plans for Christmas. The children have understood that they may go in Switzerland for a few days after Christmas. I told W that she is welcome at my brother's home and that their house is not so far from Switzerland. It's up to her to make her plans.


I continue to help the LBS mum (will call her LBSM from here) the best as I can, and I often take care of the 3 daughters when she needs to . After giving to her some hints, I have finally confided to her a part of my story so that I can now share the advices from the forum to her. She is working on herself and she is fighting for her children.
As I expected (and feared) this to happen, the sharing of my story has added a lot of emotions to the relationship btwn LBSM and I. LBSM is now even closer to me and together with her I have tried to set up boundaries of "friendly relationship".

Last week LBSM was very shocked, because, after the school, her ex had kidnapped her D6. In the evening she called me and said she needed a hug, so I came to her house. I had told D15 that I was walking outside : it was true but not totally true.

Warning : the next paragraphs in white contain sexual content and offending words.
I walked 20 minutes and prayed in the same time to keep the boundaries, because I knew LBSM was not able to keep the boundaries. LBSM did not want her children to see me at her house so she brought me in her car and I listened to her during many hours and hugged her. At the end of the night she sat on me and said that she wanted to rape me. It was hard for me to keep my boundary but I said no. My body was screaming YES, my heart and my brain were saying NO.  She kept me under her during maybe 1 hour, saying I was in jail (oh what a delightful jail when she opened her bra and lifted her shirt up) but I still kept my boundary. And actually, after 5 hours of standing with pride, my reptilian brain was not valiant enough to stand anymore. So if I had said yes, the experience for us would have been one of the worse quality.
At 4:30 am I left the car (yes we have spent the whole night in a car with engine off in November, that's southern France climate)


I plan to continue in the future to help LBSM as much as I can and I plan to keep my boundaries. It looks to me I am playing the sorcerer's apprentice and it looks to me it is the right thing to do right now. For the record the ex brought back the girl at school 2 days after. D6 was not present for an important medical appointment as her dad didn't appear.

the future days
Next days are really important for the family : on Thursday morning I will go with D15 to the judge so that she can tell what she wants. On Thursday afternoon I will go to the school for a meeting with the teacher, the director and a psy. The main topic will be whether S6 will jump directly to 2d year of primary school after 3 months of 1st year. He is already in a mixed class (1st/2d) so it will be smooth. W will participate by phoe to the meeting. I am proud that, even with the difficult situation with their mom, the kids are still doing very well at school.

I got two written testimonies from other parents who testity that I am taking care of the three kids very well, that I am doing the household chores and am always present with the children in the public parks and for friends birthdays. One mother is writing that I am alone to take care of the children since several months and have done everything so that nothing is changed for the children since their mother left. This testimony is actually my only proof before the Court that W has left our home. It is crucial for my case. December 5th I will have the hearing then after 2 months I expect the court decision. 

[Treasur]

Well done on making your Christmas plans for you and the kids! As you say, your wife seems to still have the expectation that everyone should wait on her wishes, as if you all get put in a cupboard when she leaves and then get pulled out when she turns up to ‘play’. Pretty common mindset with MLC folks of course, but still weird….so congratulations on not getting sucked into that.

Re LBSM….a couple of gentle cautions from me fwiw. I read your white text (not quite sure why you’ve chosen that option here to talk about these kind of things though)
You are a grown man and entirely free to make your own choices.
However, if one finds oneself lying or keeping something in the dark, it’s a pretty solid red flag that one might not be choosing wisely or healthily. If there was nothing to hide, why would you choose to hide it even as an act of omission. I think we LBS tend to learn that lies are like dripping acid in life, even small ones. Worth thinking about perhaps?

And if her h is capable of kidnapping his own child, he may not be the healthiest person to be even on the edge of your life or your family’s life. One never wants to think that people can do some of the crazy things that people can do when emotions are running high. But sometimes they DO do those things, and I can’t see how exposing you or your kids to even the slightest risk of being affected by someone else’s current marital crisis is worth taking lightly. And she is still someone else’s wife, I think, and her h may not much like the idea of her rolling around with someone else even if he no longer wants his marriage or does not deserve it. What do you think?

[FrenchHuman]

Hi Treasur,

thanks for your answer and your wise advices. I wrote in white just because I don't want to force anyone to read a sexual content, and because I used the R word. I have nothing to hide in my life, especially here is a very safe place for me : I try to be as honest in this forum as I am with myself. I saw my spiritual counsellor last week and I told him the same thing that I wrote here regarding LBSM.
Actually she was never married to her ex, so he was never her H. Nevertheless from what I know he is a man who thinks he has "ownership" on other people. Anyway, out of consideration for his mannish reactions, I still plan to keep my boundary and not have any sexual relationship with LBM (I remove the S).

Christmas changes
W was not happy with the Christmas plans. Instead of blaming me, she chose D15 as a mediator and we had a discussion all three together before W left. So, I have accepted the proposal from D15 and I am agree with the changes : the children will go during 4 days in Switzerland around Christmas with their mom, and they will spend 12 days with me. Finally I will have a few days without the children.

school appointment for S6
I went at the appointment with the teacher, the school director, the psy and a specialized teacher. All these people are taking care of S6 ! I sent a text to W so that she could join the meeting by phone as it was settled. Then when the meeting began I called her... nobody answered. Same when I tried again 15 minutes after. I remember the very sententious texts that I got from W when I proposed to her to participate by phone to this meeting : "she did'nt need my proposal to participate, it is her son". Well it she took 50 minutes to call back. On a positive note she "participated" during 11 last minutes.
So, to summarize, S6, according to his teacher is very smart, a good boy in the classroom, a nice schoolmate who listens to the teacher, he nevers puts himself in the limelight. She said he is the perfect schoolboy. He is doing the 1st year activities and some of the 2d year activities. According to his teacher, he has understood that he makes more mistakes when he does the 2d year activities. So for the moment he will stay in between 1st year and 2d year. There are 2 girls and maybe a boy in the same position : the teacher call them "the Never" as they never need help from the teacher. I am glad with the decision. In 4 monhs we will have another meeting.

D15 hearing
I brought D15 at the Court. I was good for me to see the tribunal building. I'll be ready for the next hearings. My daughter saw the judge in her office alone, in total less than 5 minutes. I was not here (obviously). D15 told me that the judge asked only one question (her name). Then D15 talked. She must have prepared what to say because she said it all. Then I brought back D15 to her high school. She was not happy because she was missing 2 hours at school. D15 said nothing to me so I did'nt know what she said. The first point was about her wishes, I was hoping she wanted to stay with me. And as a cherry on the cake I was hoping she would tell the judge that her mom is in Switzerland. Before the judge W is still claiming that she lives at our home and I have no real proof that it is not the case.
So, what did D15 say ? My lawyer told me her words

My mother is living in Switzerland since several months. I respect her decision. I want to continue to live in [villagename]. I want to live in the same place as my little brother. My sister is living in another town and she shares the same position : she wants us to live together in [villagename]

Well, what could I add ? D15 is not talking about me. No word for dad. And every word for me is golden. I was really relieved when I heard what she said.

News of the divorce

As expected, W's lawyer has delayed the hearing that was scheduled December 5th. It will happen in 2 months now. According to her, W has sent "a lot of documents". I think that W's lawyer has understood that her strategy is not right. I think that W is unhappy with the situation because she wanted to rush her flight. But that's not my business. Mine is currently to focus on myself and take care of the kids.
Until this hearing I will write W, then I will switch to STBXW.

[FrenchHuman]

Hello all,

long time no see ! Two years since BD, but I don't feel the need to celebrate my BD birthday. Only it is January and I feel it is time to have a look back and forth from the New Year. Happy New Year to everybody !

Christmas holidays
It has been very good. For the first time the children went in Switzerland to see their mother. In total they spent during the holidays 4 days with mom and 12 days with me. I chose to spend the 4 days without the children at my brother's home and it has been very fine : they have 6 children. After the days in Switzerland, the children were very happy to spend a few days with their cousins : we have played together, cooked together, and we skied together too. Then, back at home, D17 has been again very active in the house and also working really hard for her University exams.
I found for her a new appartment, next to the University, next to the university library, next to the Church : three places where she spends a lot of time.

2024
In regards to what I could fear in the past, 2024 was full of awful news : W launched the divorce proceedings, first in amicable way, then to the court. W left our house : at first she said it was half time, very quickly it became 10%. Thanks to this forum I was ready for it happening and I did not react. I have been able to focus and me and take care of the children.
We have spent very good moments together : the sacrament of confirmation for D15, nice holidays with the children in April, June, July, August, October and Christmas.
I was with my children during the whole year but for 4 days...
The children are very successful at school. I am glad that I am well enough so that I can be a "good-enough parent".

Divorce news
the next audience will March the 6th. Firstly when I had the information I was not happy because 3 additional delay is not fine. I have been a bit depressed in December. Now I feel better.
2 days ago W sent me a text with proposals for the holidays : there are 2 weeks school holidays in February, 2 weeks in April, 8 weeks in July-August. W asks me to choose between 1st week and 2d one in F and A. For the summer, W asks me to choose for her becoming the children in August, either the 2 first weeks, either the 2 last ones.
I see this text as a progress on different plans. First, W is accepting the new situation and the consequence of her actions. Split holidays is exactly my position for the future. Then she gives me visibility for the next holidays. And she asks me to choose btwn 2 options. Not so bad.

On the other hand, summer holidays are 8 weeks, so 2-6 weeks what I would call dividing in two.
And W still does not send me the hours when she comes and goes, only the day.

The 1 M$ question : How can it be that W is accepting things by text and in the same time fighting in against the Court ?
At this time I feel I am in a good position to get what I want from the divorce and I don't want to lower my guard

Standing
As I see 2025 today, it may mean the end of my standing. For me the divorce is something definitive, and I see no come back from that destruction. W is still not showing any sign of reconnection towards me. I am still open to a possible reconnection but I see the door is gradually closing from my side.

2025
I see 2025 as a wonderful year. Very nice moments to come with the children and friends. My 2 brothers will celebrate their jubilee (25 years wedding) this summer. For the Catholic Church, 2025 will be also a jubilee year, in reference to what is written in the book of Leveticius
his fiftieth year you shall make sacred by proclaiming liberty in the land for all its inhabitants. It shall be a jubilee for you, when every one of you shall return to his own property, every one to his own family estate. (Lev. 25:10)


Happy New Year to everybody ! I wish you peace, joy, and love !

[MadLuv]

Happy new year, FH. Sounds like with all considered you are in a pretty good place. Moving forward with no expectations and living in reality. That’s a great place to be in this situation.

[Baxter1]

Happy New Year to you!

[FrenchHuman]

Thank you ML and B1, Happy New Year to both of you ! Let's go back to journaling.

S6
S6 will turn S7 in a few days. He is a very good boy and brings joy around him. At school he continues to steadily his grade-skipping : he spends half-time in a new class (Y2) and half-time in Y1 classroom with his fellow friends from kindergarten. He feels very comfortable in this situation but the Y2 teacher (also school director) tells me he will have to choose. He has the competencies, no question and he is already skilled for Y2.
He has seen twice the school psy, and he told to her he wants to work for the NASA. I was a bit surprised by this job choice, I thought first it comes from the many space books he is reading. Actually it is D15 who gave to him the idea.
I am thinking about getting him to see a psy so that he can talk freely about what happened in last 2 years

D17
she will turn D18 in a few weeks, and she decided to go for the weekend at our home, for S6 birthday. That will be a very nice weekend ! She is very mature and she grows fine.
D17 wants to participate to the W championship in her sport this year. I am not sure it will be possible because we will need the agreement from her mother birthcountry federation. I will do my best and try to collaborate with W in order to get the agreement.

D15
she will turn 16 in one month. I have realised that I have neglected her the last months in comparison with the time I have spent for D17 (new University life, a lot of support needed) and S6 (well, he is 6 yo . So I have decided to spend more time with her and I now usually come back in the living room after the usual bedtime (around 1/2 h) with S6 almost every evening. The living room is her usual room in the evening where D15 does her homework and gymnastic exercices. So we have more time to chat, it is nice for me and her. She asks me support for her homework even if she does not really need it. What she really needs IMO is to have a decent parent available for her. 

FH
I am well, a bit tired to take care of everything, but all in all my life is great.
The 3 children are very close to me, I am glad to see them very often, to share good and bad moments with them, to trust them and be trusted. We express our needs and wants in an healthy way.
I will be in holidays next week and with D15 and S7 we will spend one week in the Alps at my dad's home. Very nice moments are expected !
I love my life.

W (for the record)
she is still deep in MLC. In January she has spent 3 days with us at our home, the amount is slowly decreasing. After the court decision (May ?) the amount of days at our home should become zero.
In February D15 and S7 will go 3,5 days in Switzerland. D17 has not seen her mom since Christmas and does not plan any holiday with her mother in February or April.
Only slight change for W : she calls now regularly every day my phone around 8pm (previously it was really irregular), I give the phone to the children. And at the end of the call, she says to S6 : thank dad for the phone.

[FrenchHuman]

Hi all,

just a short update today.

Holidays
holidays have been very fine for me and the children. D15 and S7 have spent 4 days with their mom (nothing special) and 12 days with me. D17 is now D18, she is free to go wherever she wants and... she spent her 10 days school holidays with her siblings and me at our home (no surprise)

Divorce news
I got yesterdy updated submissions (we call this "conclusions" in French legal system), it is last minutes submission so if we want to answer by written submission, there will be again a postponement of the hearing. My lawyer set up quickly a meeting with me, and we decided together to go on and keep the hearing as it is (next week March 6th)
What is new ? W has hired a new lawyer. That is really unusual at this stage, says my lawyer. I don't know the reason why W changes her lawyer but I guess it is no good news for her.
The new lawyer has made mainly a copy paste of the previous submission, the main point being that he finally admits that W is living in Switzerland and he provides a lease contract and 3 salary slips.

In the submission, the lawyer writes that contrary to what we write, W wins monthly 4900 €. Well, salary slips are consistently showing a salary income of 6800 CHF, that is around 7200 €, not so far from our figures of 8k€. 
There are other financial mistakes in the figures provided in the submission, mixing recipes and incomes.

Anyway the best strategy according to my lawyer is to go at the hearing and plead.

I don't understand what W is seeking when she pushes the divorce : her chances of winning full custody are almost 0 (according to my lawyer).

W's comes and goes
still decreasing : since 1 month I have not seen W (and all the better). She wrote to me 2 days ago that she will arrive Friday evening and leave Monday morning. I answered : "will you surprise me and provide to me this time the expected timetables and anticipated schedule "?
Spoilers : I got no surprise 
What is a bit strange from my POV is that W plans to leave on Monday next week and the hearing will be Thursday. That makes few sense. And she knows that D18 will leave home today, so before W arrives. Anyway I will do my usual things with the children this weekend. The "comes and goes" will normally end soon after the Court decision.