[amazinglove]

Can we please just agree to STOP USING THE WORD RAPE in posts?
I am over it. Enough. Please.

[Baxter1]

FH-

So sorry that you are dealing with this but you seem to have a good handle on things. I’m sure you never thought you would have to worry about your W taking your kids to another country but here you are. MLC is a cruel beast

[FrenchHusband]

Thanks B1, T and AL for your comments.

Can we please just agree to STOP USING THE WORD RAPE in posts?
I am over it. Enough. Please.

OK understood. In the future when I will need to speak with offending words on my thread, I will write in white so that it is invisible for those who don't want to read it. lease forgive me : as a foreigner and not a native, I am not aware of what is offending and what is'nt.

Thank you for the music! I was dancing around here while I cleared up in the kitchen….although the cat walked in, looked at me like I was a crazy woman and walked out ha ha.

You know what ? same time you were writing these words I was dancing in the kitchen with S6 & the music. Instead of a cat D15 was looking at us like we were crazy people ha ha .

After I told D17 about that music I discovered that, she had studied this movie last year during her Italian course. She knows Peppino Impastato.

A bit of journaling
last weeks have been fine. No change for W who continues to come and go few days in the month (around 3-4 days / month is the new standard). I am still very happy in my life with the children and going ahead.
For Christmas it is now settled that we will go to my brother and SIL. I am wanting it. The children are wanting it. Guess who is not wanting it, who is unhappy ?  . When W complains I tell her that she has not sent any clear plans for Christmas. The children have understood that they may go in Switzerland for a few days after Christmas. I told W that she is welcome at my brother's home and that their house is not so far from Switzerland. It's up to her to make her plans.


I continue to help the LBS mum (will call her LBSM from here) the best as I can, and I often take care of the 3 daughters when she needs to . After giving to her some hints, I have finally confided to her a part of my story so that I can now share the advices from the forum to her. She is working on herself and she is fighting for her children.
As I expected (and feared) this to happen, the sharing of my story has added a lot of emotions to the relationship btwn LBSM and I. LBSM is now even closer to me and together with her I have tried to set up boundaries of "friendly relationship".

Last week LBSM was very shocked, because, after the school, her ex had kidnapped her D6. In the evening she called me and said she needed a hug, so I came to her house. I had told D15 that I was walking outside : it was true but not totally true.

Warning : the next paragraphs in white contain sexual content and offending words.
I walked 20 minutes and prayed in the same time to keep the boundaries, because I knew LBSM was not able to keep the boundaries. LBSM did not want her children to see me at her house so she brought me in her car and I listened to her during many hours and hugged her. At the end of the night she sat on me and said that she wanted to rape me. It was hard for me to keep my boundary but I said no. My body was screaming YES, my heart and my brain were saying NO.  She kept me under her during maybe 1 hour, saying I was in jail (oh what a delightful jail when she opened her bra and lifted her shirt up) but I still kept my boundary. And actually, after 5 hours of standing with pride, my reptilian brain was not valiant enough to stand anymore. So if I had said yes, the experience for us would have been one of the worse quality.
At 4:30 am I left the car (yes we have spent the whole night in a car with engine off in November, that's southern France climate)


I plan to continue in the future to help LBSM as much as I can and I plan to keep my boundaries. It looks to me I am playing the sorcerer's apprentice and it looks to me it is the right thing to do right now. For the record the ex brought back the girl at school 2 days after. D6 was not present for an important medical appointment as her dad didn't appear.

the future days
Next days are really important for the family : on Thursday morning I will go with D15 to the judge so that she can tell what she wants. On Thursday afternoon I will go to the school for a meeting with the teacher, the director and a psy. The main topic will be whether S6 will jump directly to 2d year of primary school after 3 months of 1st year. He is already in a mixed class (1st/2d) so it will be smooth. W will participate by phoe to the meeting. I am proud that, even with the difficult situation with their mom, the kids are still doing very well at school.

I got two written testimonies from other parents who testity that I am taking care of the three kids very well, that I am doing the household chores and am always present with the children in the public parks and for friends birthdays. One mother is writing that I am alone to take care of the children since several months and have done everything so that nothing is changed for the children since their mother left. This testimony is actually my only proof before the Court that W has left our home. It is crucial for my case. December 5th I will have the hearing then after 2 months I expect the court decision. 

[Treasur]

Well done on making your Christmas plans for you and the kids! As you say, your wife seems to still have the expectation that everyone should wait on her wishes, as if you all get put in a cupboard when she leaves and then get pulled out when she turns up to ‘play’. Pretty common mindset with MLC folks of course, but still weird….so congratulations on not getting sucked into that.

Re LBSM….a couple of gentle cautions from me fwiw. I read your white text (not quite sure why you’ve chosen that option here to talk about these kind of things though)
You are a grown man and entirely free to make your own choices.
However, if one finds oneself lying or keeping something in the dark, it’s a pretty solid red flag that one might not be choosing wisely or healthily. If there was nothing to hide, why would you choose to hide it even as an act of omission. I think we LBS tend to learn that lies are like dripping acid in life, even small ones. Worth thinking about perhaps?

And if her h is capable of kidnapping his own child, he may not be the healthiest person to be even on the edge of your life or your family’s life. One never wants to think that people can do some of the crazy things that people can do when emotions are running high. But sometimes they DO do those things, and I can’t see how exposing you or your kids to even the slightest risk of being affected by someone else’s current marital crisis is worth taking lightly. And she is still someone else’s wife, I think, and her h may not much like the idea of her rolling around with someone else even if he no longer wants his marriage or does not deserve it. What do you think?

[FrenchHusband]

Hi Treasur,

thanks for your answer and your wise advices. I wrote in white just because I don't want to force anyone to read a sexual content, and because I used the R word. I have nothing to hide in my life, especially here is a very safe place for me : I try to be as honest in this forum as I am with myself. I saw my spiritual counsellor last week and I told him the same thing that I wrote here regarding LBSM.
Actually she was never married to her ex, so he was never her H. Nevertheless from what I know he is a man who thinks he has "ownership" on other people. Anyway, out of consideration for his mannish reactions, I still plan to keep my boundary and not have any sexual relationship with LBM (I remove the S).

Christmas changes
W was not happy with the Christmas plans. Instead of blaming me, she chose D15 as a mediator and we had a discussion all three together before W left. So, I have accepted the proposal from D15 and I am agree with the changes : the children will go during 4 days in Switzerland around Christmas with their mom, and they will spend 12 days with me. Finally I will have a few days without the children.

school appointment for S6
I went at the appointment with the teacher, the school director, the psy and a specialized teacher. All these people are taking care of S6 ! I sent a text to W so that she could join the meeting by phone as it was settled. Then when the meeting began I called her... nobody answered. Same when I tried again 15 minutes after. I remember the very sententious texts that I got from W when I proposed to her to participate by phone to this meeting : "she did'nt need my proposal to participate, it is her son". Well it she took 50 minutes to call back. On a positive note she "participated" during 11 last minutes.
So, to summarize, S6, according to his teacher is very smart, a good boy in the classroom, a nice schoolmate who listens to the teacher, he nevers puts himself in the limelight. She said he is the perfect schoolboy. He is doing the 1st year activities and some of the 2d year activities. According to his teacher, he has understood that he makes more mistakes when he does the 2d year activities. So for the moment he will stay in between 1st year and 2d year. There are 2 girls and maybe a boy in the same position : the teacher call them "the Never" as they never need help from the teacher. I am glad with the decision. In 4 monhs we will have another meeting.

D15 hearing
I brought D15 at the Court. I was good for me to see the tribunal building. I'll be ready for the next hearings. My daughter saw the judge in her office alone, in total less than 5 minutes. I was not here (obviously). D15 told me that the judge asked only one question (her name). Then D15 talked. She must have prepared what to say because she said it all. Then I brought back D15 to her high school. She was not happy because she was missing 2 hours at school. D15 said nothing to me so I did'nt know what she said. The first point was about her wishes, I was hoping she wanted to stay with me. And as a cherry on the cake I was hoping she would tell the judge that her mom is in Switzerland. Before the judge W is still claiming that she lives at our home and I have no real proof that it is not the case.
So, what did D15 say ? My lawyer told me her words

My mother is living in Switzerland since several months. I respect her decision. I want to continue to live in [villagename]. I want to live in the same place as my little brother. My sister is living in another town and she shares the same position : she wants us to live together in [villagename]

Well, what could I add ? D15 is not talking about me. No word for dad. And every word for me is golden. I was really relieved when I heard what she said.

News of the divorce

As expected, W's lawyer has delayed the hearing that was scheduled December 5th. It will happen in 2 months now. According to her, W has sent "a lot of documents". I think that W's lawyer has understood that her strategy is not right. I think that W is unhappy with the situation because she wanted to rush her flight. But that's not my business. Mine is currently to focus on myself and take care of the kids.
Until this hearing I will write W, then I will switch to STBXW.