[Flummoxed]

Thanks, UM! Starting a new thread with the title of “Trusting the Process” to help me level set. First thread took about 3 months to fill; I’m hoping this one takes a bit longer.

Thread 1: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=12210.0

[UrsaMajor]

Attaching - and following along

[Flummoxed]

Journaling:

And… I’m already back to journaling. 😅 Going to try to keep it short and sweet.

Today was a heavy day. For all my efforts to stay grounded and present, my heart hurt and I went back to thinking about my STBXH. Physical comforts, like a hug, a kiss, holding hands. Feeling safe. The feeling of contentedness, of home.

And then I forced myself to take a nap because I’m still under the weather and I woke up reaffirming that the past 2 years (3 if you count his depression prior to BD1) were straight up out of the emotional abuse playbook. A cold hard dose of reality to get me back to the present. Which isn’t great, given how unbelievably charged the air is here politically, on top of the gloom in my own bubble, but it’s better to be aware.

Reminding myself it’s not personal. Reminding myself he’s not ok- I’ve spoken to at least two of the “children of his issues”- this is real. Reminding myself I made a commitment to let go, to make room for something better.

Remembering the lesson that sometimes what you think you know needs to be destroyed to make room for something better to be built in its place. It’s been a struggle today, but I’m choosing to have faith. Funny how it takes me a full day to pump myself up to start fresh again the next morning. Hopefully, with all this practice, it’ll take less and less time until it becomes a habit.

[KayDee]

What you have written, Flummoxed, I recognize. I expect others will. This process - it's not so linear. I think of it like having lots of circling planes in the air, and one by one, they eventually 'land'. Sometimes you think one is about to land, and then a nasty side wind comes in and it takes off again.  But it tries again, and succeeds. I believe, eventually we land all our planes (and now I will 'land' the metaphor  ). When you trust the process, trust your process. Your H's process is his own. I know you know that, but I just want bring it back centre. I have been amazed, in hindsight, by my own changes and how differently I feel about things now than when I was first hit with the proverbial emotional hammer. For me, if I have a particularly painful spell, I know now that it is likely part of a new phase - a step forward, after a period spent backwards. You are doing amazingly. Get well soon.

[Treasur]

I agree with KayDee.
In hindsight, the process of recovery was less of a doing thing than I thought and more of a being thing. Some bits were intentional, but a lot of it just seemed to follow its’ own rhyme and rhythm. I couldn’t chase it down or timetable it, but I could learn to observe it and acknowledge the ways in which I/it evolved if that makes sense?

[xyzcf]

Living in the US, if the party we wanted to win did not is incredibly hard and concerning.  Yesterday, I wanted a hug from him, reassurance that it will be ok. Those are my stored memories of how it was with us, the comfort of knowing that I was safe because we had this, together.

My therapist shared a quote from Viktor Frankl and it is a good one to meditate on :

"Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In  our response lies our growth and freedom."

Reminding myself I made a commitment to let go, to make room for something better.

Remembering the lesson that sometimes what you think you know needs to be destroyed to make room for something better to be built in its place.

"to let go"...so often I hear this and we "work" hard on this concept and chide ourselves if we are not successful...measured by moments when the pain and hurt slaps us in our face for the multitude of memories and events that will trigger the sense of loss and grief.

What if there is room for both?  Acceptance of our feelings and emotions, both good and bad. That in our lives, we live with positive and negative things at all times, allowing ourselves to work through these "dark emotions" until they sit easy with us...no judgement, no condemnation because we have failed to "let go".

Remembering the lesson that sometimes what you think you know needs to be destroyed to make room for something better to be built in its place.

What is it that needs to be destroyed? Can not something new be built even when there are still remnants of the past which can include care and concern for our spouses and indeed even connection with them...understanding that what we had was gone and we will continue to grow in our life...for some that means never looking back....for me it means that he's still an important part of my life and my family but hat doesn't stop me from building something new.

Presently reading a book called Healing through the dark emotions" The wisdom of grief, fear and despair By Miriam Greenspan...giving me permission to feel without blocking emotions that are difficult to feel, working through them to experience joy, peace and calm.

[Flummoxed]

Thank you, KayDee, Treasur, and xyzcf! Your feedback means the world and I ran through it all a couple of times to really get it to start sinking in.

KayDee, I loved the analogy and thank you very much for the reminder. Intellectually, I do understand that our processes will be separate- I need to keep my eyes on my own paper if you will. Emotionally, I'm still making progress and appreciate the subtle redirects back to my primary focus. It helps when I focus on being present, rooted in my body, reminding myself that this is how I interact with the world and all I can control is myself. I remind myself this more times than I care to admit, but the reminders are very much necessary at this point in time and may need to be repeated more frequent too.

Treasur, 100%- that makes absolute sense. I'm in the process of reminding myself that I'm a human being and not a human doing- that sometimes things don't need action to change, rather I need to accept and simply be. And I definitely lost track of that for a very long time, so it's a process, but the little steps toward being authentically myself and embracing that have been a slow but welcome acceptance. And I look forward to seeing how this process unfolds and where this healing takes me.

xyzcf, absolutely- I think we shared a similar experience yesterday for sure. Thank you so much for sharing the Frankl quote- that's so true. Practicing the rule of three, focusing inward and on mindfulness, practicing responding versus reacting, really working on creating and embracing that space has been so helpful and truly freeing. Thank you for sharing with me and I'm thankful for the forum for sharing these guidances. That it's ok to take time; there are no points for speed.

I completely agree with your feedback on letting go- I definitely feel there can be room for both. It doesn't have to be a black and white vision; we can and honestly should embrace the duality. You're right; it's a part of life. I'm still learning on how to sit with the more "negative" emotions rather than running away from them or pushing them deep, deep down. Still a work in progress on the judgement piece, as you can see. All emotions have value and we learn as we process and let go.

Regarding destruction, I definitely agree that it may not be necessary in all instances. I also firmly believe we can still retain the care we have as we proceed forward. My statement was more so linked to my experience at my plant medicine retreat, which brought me comfort. Personally, I felt like I had to completely let go of who I felt I was (the story of me, the framing of my ego) to truly let go of the hurt and pain that I had held on to as it was holding me back. I had to let it all go and then build myself back from the ground up. I know what I'm capable of and I know I will be just fine however this all plays out- truly, I feel like what is on the other side will be better. If anything, as I continue on my path, I will be aligned with my authentic self, which simply wasn't the case previously due to years of self-sacrifice (It was a coping mechanism I developed in childhood that had reached its expiration).

But I had to embrace the destruction, the total dismantling of who I was so convinced I was, to allow for this strong and assured version of myself to develop and shine through. The me that was, she got me through an insane number of terrible things. She was my Katniss; she knew how to fight and keep me alive and I am beyond thankful. I wouldn't have survived without her being who she was. However, having grieved, I feel more at ease (not completely for obvious reasons), less reactive, less emotionally bonded to my childhood trauma. It happened, I released it, I'm focused on moving forward.

And although it is not within my control, I can't look at his paper, I hope that he makes his way through his process to find this version of himself too. In my heart, currently, I would love it if we can find each other again someday. But I'm doing my best to hold on to the feeling that I will be perfectly fine, even more than fine, no matter which direction this goes.

And that sounds like a fantastic book- please let us know if it's a good read!

[Baxter1]

F-

Can I ask about the ‘children’ of his issues? I know I talked to one of them, I came into kitchen and she was talking like a 9 year old. It freaked me out at first but then I realized that others on here have had the same experience. What was your experience? Mine was like that for about a minute, she left the room and came back with the angry eyes as per usual.

[Flummoxed]

Baxter1,

From my limited experience, I feel like I’ve spoken to one in their mid-teens (I feel this must be the most common experience) and one maybe around 10 years of age? It’s hard for me to tell as I don’t have as much experience with children.

He came to me to chat when I was working, was very soft spoken and shy, acted like he didn’t want to bother me. I told him it was no bother- he was barely speaking to me at that point so I wanted to get as much face time as I could. He told me about a job he was applying to and the salary associated. He then asked if he should tell the interviewer that he would work around the clock for them so that they’d hire him. This was coming from a man who used to interview regularly to keep fresh. I calmed him down, advised him not to share that with the interviewer, and he settled in a bit calmer. We spoke another minute or so about general job-type stuff and then he had to leave the room, I guess. Couldn’t stay for who knows what reason. May be totally out of left field but I think they leave because they can’t handle the feelings. My STBXH stayed out, but perhaps for you the teen/monster mask was put back into place. To wrap up, he thanked me as he was leaving, said I was nice, and I thought we were good- this was a few days before BD2.

It is a very strange experience, isn’t it? This whole whirlwind of a deal. But I feel like it’s these experiences that help to cement down that they really are going through it.

[OffRoad]

All emotions have value and we learn as we process and let go.

If there were a like button, I'd mash it to oblivion. IMO, this is the key. Feel the emotion, process and let go and that applies to everything in our lives. Jobs we didn't get, elections that didn't go in a person's personal desire direction, kids who are a challenge, divorce, death...everything. If you don't let go, you can stay stuck. If you don't process you can't let go. If you don't feel it, you can't process it.

At the end of every day, we can only control ourselves and how we deal with things that don't go the way we want them to. We can end up angry or bitter if we are not careful. We can also take what we have and figure out how to make the best of it. I can guarantee in my life I was put in many a situation that seemed no win, but there was always, eventually, a way to work towards something that would result in my own personal path to a win for me. It doesn't mean I wasn't sitting on the floor bawling my eyes out wondering how I was going to manage many nights when things went wrong, just that at some point I  processed the feelings and looked for alternatives. It's easier for a "Pull yourself up by your bootstraps" personality, but not impossible if you don't happen to have that personality. And it will take as long as it takes for each person.

[Flummoxed]

1000%, Offroad! So, so true! I know, in a sense, I used to be the "I'll feel this later when I have time" kind of person- I'm doing my best to redirect from that habit. It's so easy to shove the "bad" into a box and say you'll deal with it later. When you make sure you do and make your way through, you end up surprising yourself by finding the good if not great in an otherwise terrible situation.

Journaling:

No new MLCer updates (thankfully). I hope he's cooking away wherever he is, but he's really not my concern.

I continue to cycle; today's revolution is "I don't think I'm standing. Even though it doesn't align with the MLC paradigm, if he wanted to, he would. He clearly had no problem love-bombing other women; getting him to go to dinner with me was like pulling teeth even before BD1. He clearly had the ability to be romantic, generous, and considerate- just not with me. Why wait for someone like that?"

Took a break this evening to get relief from the cycling and focus on being in my body. Went for a walk and focused on the feeling of the soles of my feet in my shoes, the whoosh sound of my arms swinging against my windbreaker, the shadows dancing on the sidewalk from the passing headlights. The colors of the leaves in the trees, the sound of a basketball hitting the backboard. Noticing  I feel way better when I'm in my body and not just in my head. It was a struggle to stay in the moment, but it was great practice. Trying to keep it going to hopefully build the muscle. Being present- that's living life. And I am so very thankful to have the peace and clarity to actually live my life.

I think the universe noticed my impatience as I hadn't heard from the dog foster program yet. Looks like I'll likely be dogsitting for my friend while she's out of town! Looking forward to having some chill time with the little buddy.

I had also auditioned for a role in a community show and got selected! Feeling super thankful- I went in with no expectations other than to have fun and I think that really helped. They commended me on my confidence- I can safely say I've never received that feedback before in my life. I think all this trauma healing and focusing on the present is really doing something.

Anyway, thought I'd share a couple of wins in the midst of the doom and gloom. Some tiny flickers of GAL perhaps?

[Reinventing]

Those are excellent GALs!

[xyzcf]

Took a break this evening to get relief from the cycling and focus on being in my body. Went for a walk and focused on the feeling of the soles of my feet in my shoes, the whoosh sound of my arms swinging against my windbreaker, the shadows dancing on the sidewalk from the passing headlights. The colors of the leaves in the trees, the sound of a basketball hitting the backboard. Noticing  I feel way better when I'm in my body and not just in my head. It was a struggle to stay in the moment, but it was great practice. Trying to keep it going to hopefully build the muscle. Being present- that's living life. And I am so very thankful to have the peace and clarity to actually live my life.

This works...feeling what our body is experiencing and being aware of those feelings...good and bad...and letting them just be.

My therapist asked me to stand barefoot in the grass and I told her I can't because sometimes there are garden snakes which send off alarms in my body but in reality, there are seldom snakes and anyway, they are more afraid of me as I am of them. Connecting barefoot to the earth, grounding into our being
helps to put it all in perspective.

You are doing a great job!

[Flummoxed]

Thanks, Reinventing and xyzcf! 💗

xyzcf, I'd be terrified of potential snakes as well, even if they may be on the shy side. But 100%- standing barefoot on the earth is a magical grounding practice. Definitely need to engage in it more!

Journaling:

I think I really am at a point of ending my stand. Not to say I wouldn't be open to reconnection someday down the road; I'm open to leaving the door open a crack. But I've been reading so many threads, learning as much as I can, and I think it just hit me- I don't want the old relationship. He's no prize now and he wasn't that great a prize before either.

I felt a lot of similarities to KellBell's story; STBXH also viewed life as a checklist and constantly needed the next best thing. Even though he had a rough childhood, he followed a very linear path to where he is today (or at least where he was at BD1). He so very rarely took the time to appreciate life. I had once asked him when he would stop to appreciate the present and he told me he would when he was dead. I laughed at the time because I thought he was joking. I don't think he was.

Right after we got married, he started looking into buying property. Once we bought the property, he started looking at bigger homes and would talk to others about when we would start trying for kids. We hadn't even had that conversation ourselves at that point. But he was deep in the pre-BD depression by then.

He placed so much of his self-worth on his net worth and others' perception of him. I found that really sad, but I accepted it as a personality thing- no one's perfect. But his people pleasing ended when it came to our relationship- once we got married, I was put squarely on the back burner because he didn't feel he needed to try for my affection anymore. He stopped watering the grass and tended to other lawns seeking approval.

I couldn't count on him when I got sick. Before we moved, I made it a point to recover at my parents' place after any surgeries. After the move, I was berated for having contracted COVID right before his birthday and therefore no longer able to manage logistics. He pushed me to be as self-sufficient as possible, refused to meet most requests for help, and now in MLC he needs to be the white knight and "save" other women. I think I've hit my wall.

So many folks in this forum have been married for decades, have shared so many beautiful moments with their spouses before this chaos hit. I only had about a year before we moved across the country to his hometown, which I believe was the trigger for his pre-BD depression. When he told me recently that he hadn't been happy for the entirety of our marriage, I don't doubt him entirely but I also don't believe the unhappiness was due to our relationship.

I know he is not well. I know what he is dealing with now is the Big Kahuna of his childhood issues: his mother trauma. I don't know how long this will take. But if I'm looking down the barrel of another 5+ years of this, that would mean his MLC would extend for the same duration of time as our relationship. If he thinks I'll sit around and wait, that's one hell of a gamble.

There have been no clear signs of confusion since BD2. And maybe it's because we're no longer in the same home, but it makes a person wonder. It's just push after push for divorce.

I read denjef31's "Navigating through the fog" thread repeatedly; I found it motivating and educational. And I found she did mention multiple times (and I'm paraphrasing here), "don't think about what was, think about what could be". And, last night, I really did think about what could be. Traveling, strengthening my other relationships, eventually clicking with a partner who actually respects me and what I bring to the table. Who isn't afraid of decorating with color, light, or art because "what would guests think" and "think about the resale value". Who understands and celebrates our differences. Who can reciprocate an unconditional love.

I echo some of the sentiments that Courage shared in her recent post. I had sacrificed my entire life, tried to shrink myself down to fit into the tiny square hole he made available to me in his life. And I'm meant for so much more than that. Even if don't find this magical partner down the line, I know I am no longer accepting scraps from someone who cannot see my worth. I can see myself now in technicolor and all of this truly is his loss.

[Flummoxed]

Thanks for being a safe space to vent- clearly had to blow off some steam yesterday. Am very much still undecided on the stand front, but will do my best not to make any moves out of anger or frustration. Maybe the rule of three works on us internally too?

I’m clearly still hurt, and therefore, I clearly still care. Yet another reminder to self that this not about the relationship/me- it’s his crisis. And if/when I’m ready to fully let go, it’s perfectly fine to do so.

I truly cannot wait until I’m fully recovered and able to leave the house. Having cabin fever and an MLC spouse on the brain is no joke.

[OffRoad]

You can change your mind daily, hourly, whatever you want.  Some days are better than others, some people have lines in the sand. Mine was the actual divorce- at that point I was done, but that doesn't mean that something could not happen and we'd end up together again. It just meant I was no longer standing for what was because that didn't exist anymore.

You get to choose how you feel about what you want to do. No one here will tell you, "but yesterday you said.....". But you still should take care of you and that means all those things you could do, even if you want to still stand. Go ahead and travel, without him.Go ahead and strengthen relationships and make new ones. Go ahead and get hobbies, I'm still sorting through my house (went through the spare room and found things that should have gone years ago, but I just did not want to deal). My house is now functional for me. I could not care less what someone else thinks. You do you. If he happens to catch up and wants to join you, fine. If he doesn't you'll still be fine.

[xyzcf]

Am very much still undecided on the stand front, but will do my best not to make any moves out of anger or frustration. Maybe the rule of three works on us internally too?

Slow down.  BD mid Feb 2023. Trying to wrap your mind and heart around what happened and how to proceed.

"Standing: or "not standing" does not need to be a line drawn in the sand. Perhaps it's not so much deciding as it is a feeling you have ....ok, I have been "standing" for over 15 years...a ridiculous length of time and very few here have done this (although I have a good friend from HS who has been standing even a bit longer).....

Another good friend from here was done...not standing after 7 years, had both a divorce and an annulment and was in a serious relationship ...she remarried her MLCer and they are wonderfully happy several yers later.

Just two examples.

So you do not have to decide, unless perhaps you are ready and wanting to date and find another partner which at your age is something to consider.

Take the pressure off by allowing yourself to know what your inner world is telling you to do, for now...because that can and will change in it's own time.

Oh how we used to hate that word...time..it takes time and as you have said..."trust the process" and I mean the process that is happening within you.

I truly cannot wait until I’m fully recovered and able to leave the house. Having cabin fever and an MLC spouse on the brain is no joke.

Sorry, I cannot remember ...do you have a physical condition that prevents you from leaving your house? I do find that I go out and do something every day, usually to the gym/yoga/volunteer work/bible study/mahjong/book club/ gardening/ travel...because I do not work and don't have any family here.....I require some human companionship every day. I used to have a dog and that helped me to not feel so lonely but I choose not to have another dog as my life has changed and I am travelling a great deal.

I just saw Offroad's post to you...basically saying the same thing....let things be and eventually you will know what is the right decision.

I do not have any regrets about "standing"...he's welcome in my life still even though it is not the way I want it to be.....I would find it worse not to have time with him...that's me and my choice, not for everyone.

[Flummoxed]

Thanks, Offroad and xyzcf 💗

Will keep focusing on my internal queues and follow my own process for sure. I’ve got some preliminary travel plans in the works with a good girlfriend so looking forward to that. Can’t wait to dogsit later this month. I also have a new friend date lined up, so the weekends are getting busy, and I’m looking forward to rehearsals eating up time as well! Still working on not caring about the opinions of others- I think it still ticks me off that he lied so much to reinforce his justifications and our mutuals just believed him. 🙄 But it’s out of my control.

But, Offroad, congrats on the spare room!! That’s amazing!

xyzcf, yes, I definitely need to pump the brakes. Thank you for sharing these examples with me. I can definitely understand that each case is different and we never know if/when change will take place. I have no interest in dating anyone else at this current moment, but lately it feels like my heart’s in a box, more guarded than it was before (didn’t think that was possible). But I’ll focus on one day at a time, as tough as that’s been to do lately.

Can confirm no serious physical constraints at present- I’m just under the weather and then doubled down with a COVID/flu booster vaccine this weekend. I agree that getting out of the house is great for one’s sanity.

No major decisions from me for now- I promise to leave things as they are, focus on myself, and let the chips fall where they may. And if I feel a pull to go in a certain direction, I’ll follow through. Patience is not my strong suit, so getting lost in bettering and enjoying life definitely sounds all the more appealing.

Thanks, team 💗

[xyzcf]

I’m just under the weather and then doubled down with a COVID/flu booster vaccine this weekend.

Oh I can so relate...had my vaccine on Friday and by 4:00 was immobile on my couch and did not feel well until this morning...I always have a bad reaction but this time it lasted longer. I will need another in 6 months as I am over 65. I had given information to some friends about a different vaccine called Novavax

"It’s unique among the available coronavirus vaccines here in that it uses a traditional virus-blocking technology that’s been used against other diseases.
The original Novavax vaccine was found to be 90% effective in its initial clinical trials."

Pfizer and Moderna are about 95% effective.

Two friends received Novavax on Friday as well  ( the husband generally has terrible side effects) and both of them feel really well.

I was a public health nurse and worked for many years in immunization.

Each day will bring new challenges and new opportunities. You are on a good path.




.

[Couragedearheart]

Flummoxed,

You are doing great. Whether you can see that or not right now. I keep saying this time, this hurt this pain, the breaking of all things is a gift. Often feeling like a never ending gift…..🤦‍♀️.

Give the time for things to break, why carried forward things that don’t serve you and need to go.

You go back and forth between standing and not standing…..you don’t have to choose right now. In fact I would highly encourage you to examine your discomfort with uncertainty in this space.

When I dug into my own uncertainty, I found so many reasons I needed an outcome or path. My lack of knowing what I wanted, my black and white thinking (like I needed him to be good or bad so I could choose), judgment of others, beliefs I held about marriage, my discomfort with accountability and responsibility. My lack of self trust and validation, my desperate need to be the good guy ( my self love and self worth was based a lot in the idea that I was the good guy).
You don’t have to rush yourself through the breaking, the deconstructing. You will probably find that you deconstruct….sort through the rubble, keep what’s good, rebuild and then discover you have to deconstruct all over again several times. It’s okay. That’s how it goes.

The time spent in this grieving is you showing yourself that you are enough all on your own. That you will listen to you, care for you, be compassionate with yourself, show up again and again and again for yourself, that in the darkest moments you won’t look away….and none of your big feelings are too much.

For me and someday I hope for you, you will see what a sacred thing the breaking was and is, in all its pain and beauty.

Let it be messy, and incomplete, and uncomfortable. Allow this moment and the next to be what it is.
One of the best things my friend told me when I was panicking about an overwhelming situation was that discomfort doesn’t always mean you did something wrong, growth is uncomfortable.

Keep showing up.
Courage

[Flummoxed]

Thank you, xyzcf and Couragedearheart! 💗

xyzcf, I’m experiencing a very similar response 😂 but that’s exciting about Novavax! I hope you have a better experience with it as well- I’ll give it a shot next year! (Hehe puns.)

Courage, you’re right- I need to sit with it and experience it to process and grow. It’s been a habit of mine to tuck the discomfort away to sort out later and triage the issue at hand. So my “rational” brain is thinking “well, I know my worth and in his state he clearly doesn’t. Time to move on!”, which triggered the whole “To hell with my stand, I’m standing up for me!” post.

Thanks so much for sharing your experience with uncertainty. I’m going to have to take some time to unpack it and really deep dive.  From a preliminary perspective, I think my need to push my way out of the discomfort and uncertainty is to forge a path forward out of the muck. I don’t want to feel like he has any kind of control over me anymore. I don’t like that I still have love for a person who isn’t capable of showing love back to me; it makes me feel a bit of a fool. And feeling like I am moving forward with my life, with a sense of purpose, totally free feels intoxicating- but also a little silly now that I’ve written it out because emotions don’t work like that. It’s my own rendition of running behavior, isn’t it? (facepalm)

Let it be messy, and incomplete, and uncomfortable. Allow this moment and the next to be what it is.
One of the best things my friend told me when I was panicking about an overwhelming situation was that discomfort doesn’t always mean you did something wrong, growth is uncomfortable.

I love this- thank you for sharing. 100%- growth is uncomfortable. I’m learning to embrace living as my authentic self and it’s weird and hard but it’s also incredibly satisfying when I don’t hold back. It’s like I’m connecting with the world in a brand new way, if that makes any sense? As a recovering perfectionist, the “messy, incomplete, and uncomfortable” are a bit daunting  but also experiences to be lived through and embraced for what they are. Just need to remind myself once in a while.

[Reinventing]

Flummoxed,

As you mull this all over, one part I think most will agree with is that "I'm going to stand for me" is a good idea.

You can only control yourself. And you have this time as you heal. So stand up for you and put energy, time, and effort into things you can control.

[Flummoxed]

Thanks, Reinventing 💗 100%- it’s just scary to be in a place where you feel so close to throwing in the towel. And so early, honestly. I’ll absolutely move forward with focusing on myself and my growth and healing.

I guess I’m having a hard time remembering this isn’t personal. To have empathy. Because it’s really hard to remember they’re struggling when the blame is only on you. My MLCer, from my understanding, has only cut me out of his life. He doesn’t seem to have an issue with anyone else. He’s severed all he can aside from legal ties, and that’s just as of writing this. I’m just tired.

[zartheit]

I don’t like that I still have love for a person who isn’t capable of showing love back to me; it makes me feel a bit of a fool.

I can really relate to this. I felt like the biggest chump in the world. I found that being unkind to myself didn't dissolve my love and only added to my burden. It was, however, part of my process. I would crave release and hunt around for external means of obtaining it so I need to forget her, I need to hate her, I need her back. I would bounce around the entire spectrum and then I saw that even by experiencing all of those aspects I was ok. There was space for all of it. I shrunk myself to fit into each of those little crevices like a hermit crab. Was this shell my home? Maybe this one? But I'm so much more than just that longing, that hurt, that compassion, that confusion. I can be all of them and am diminished by none of them.

[Flummoxed]

This is really beautiful, zartheit; thank you so much for sharing. This is so incredibly true. I fear I’m still sifting through shells. But one day!

[Flummoxed]

I was facilitating a meeting today when it hit me- I have made progress in the past three months since BD2. Yes, I still cycle- the distance makes it harder for me to remember the MLC context behind current events. But I thought I’d take a moment to document improvements that I see and that I am thankful for:

• No more panic attacks during meetings.
• No more feeling like I’ve been shot point blank in the chest. Today, it feels like a bit of an emotional bruise- it really only hurts if I push it.
• I’ve gotten a stronger handle on my racing thoughts. Not complete control yet, but I’m better able to redirect and my ability to focus my attention has increased exponentially.
• I’ve started expanding outside my comfort zone to learn that I’ve been the one holding myself back from being all I can be. And magical things can happen when I stop.
• I’m thankful to have plans with loved ones, weekends booked solid, for the next five weeks. And I have backup plans should they fall through.
• I’m able to sing holiday jingles without feeling down… I’m able to sing period.
• I’m making progress with sitting with my emotions, feeling them, and letting them go. Punching pillows has been my latest saving grace.
• Making plans for my birthday didn’t bring me down- I enjoyed the brainstorm of how I’m going to treat myself.
• I’m ultimately thankful when I don’t hear from my MLCer (at least for the time being). I had inadvertently let him cake-eat for a year and a half; it’s time for him to see what it’s like without me there to catch him. I still get anxious, but I really am working hard on reframing my perspective to believe this is for the best. Like he’s focusing on himself, I need to focus on me.

[Baxter1]

That last part sounds right…I need to focus on me.
Great Update!

[Flummoxed]

You’ve got this, Baxter1! It truly is one day at a time, and sometimes minute by minute, but we course correct until it’s a habit!

Trying to take more time between entries, but just wanted to share a couple of things that I found via Reddit that have been proving to be quite handy during this recovery process:

• Think of the things you really appreciated about your partner and try to bring that in to your relationship with yourself. For example, I loved my STBXH’s playfulness. So I’m doing the best I can to bring more play into my life- no judgement, just silliness and joy. I think it’s even doing a lot of good for my inner child too so win-win.
• When listening to a love song (and if you know the lyrics), sing it to yourself. It actually does make you smile and feel appreciated, showing yourself that love.

Little things that have brought joy to me this week- I hope they bring joy to yours too. Hang in there and stay warm, all! 💗

[Reinventing]

Flummoxed, I really like both of those. Thanks for sharing.

[Flummoxed]

Of course, Reinventing! 

Journaling:

Not much to report from my end, but trying to stick to weekly posts unless more frequent touch bases are needed. You never know, but I also don't want to hook onto the forum too tightly- I know I'm supposed to be GAL-ing at present and I intend to do so!

I had a trial dogsitting run yesterday and we had a great time together. I'm even more inclined to foster or even adopt my own at this point. He got me out of the house and we went for a fantastic walk. He took in the new sights and smells and tried to make new friends- sharing reminders that I should very much be doing the same. He curled right up next to me until my friend came to pick him up. He's a sweet little guy; I didn't realize I'd feel so lonely after just a couple of hours with him. I don't know if that's a sign I should unpack and address that first or if I should leap into adding a pup to my life. Probably the unpacking bit, huh?

I'm feeling a bit more on edge today, but can't say why. I'll meditate in a bit- that usually helps. But I bought some flowers, some new paint, and a book on building resiliency by getting comfortable with the uncomfortable. I forget how loving used book stores can feel- I used to sit for hours in the fiction stacks but I couldn't bring myself to explore any novels this time around. I'm still not there yet. The only sections I felt comfortable reviewing were the self-help, philosophy, and cooking ones. Time, time, time. I had every intention of picking up a beach read novel for my upcoming plans but I just wasn't feeling it yet. Maybe I'll grab one later in the week.

I'm meeting an old friend for dinner today. I haven't seen her since my bridal shower, so it's been a while. She's a sweetheart, but I'm still somewhat in that stage of forcing myself to do things even when I just want to stay home. Because that's truly the alternative- staying at home and doing what I have been doing. So even though I'm grumbling, I'm going to eventually get up, get ready, and have an actually fantastic time with a dear, dear friend.

No updates from the MLCer side of things, for which I am thankful. Cook away, cook away. I know this may be the initial calm period after the MLCer has made their choice, but I am still thankful for the breather.

Before BD2, he was seeing a therapist. I wasn't sure if it was the truth or a lie, but he did admit to a third party (of course, not to me) that he was speaking to someone and they started targeting his FOO issues; he finally learned that he was allowed to have needs as a member of his family. Which is probably why none of our previous talks about boundaries or sticking up for himself clicked- he truly did not believe he was allowed to have needs. He just went ahead and behaved subserviently toward his family (and likely others given that it all stems from the FOO) to his constant detriment. It truly breaks my heart, that he lived his whole life thinking that's how he had to live to be loved and accepted. But I am thankful he finally was in a place to open his eyes and learn this about himself. Since his move back to our property, he's had to find a new therapist. I believe he is looking, though it's impossible to know for sure if he's found one and is still going. I sincerely hope he has found one, a good one, and is going routinely. Although it won't be the end all be all, I feel like it can only help if he's in a place to be diving in so deep.

I feel like I have my work cut out for me on my end: GAL-ing, addressing my issues with codependency, and strengthening my self-trust. It takes time for habits to develop and muscles to grow, but I'm excited. Every step is a conscious one, and I keep veering away, but what I keep learning from various places in my life is to stay present and be patient. There is no need to rush. Everything will work out once you trust and let go.

I'm slowly getting rid of all my furniture from the old apartment; thankfully, work is reimbursing my replacement office furniture costs. I'll be trading in my guitar soon too- it had gone missing for months and I'd rather not wonder whenever I play. I'm doing my best to stay budget-conscious, but I did make a couple of updates to my wardrobe since I'll be out on the town more. Workout clothes and sweats aren't going to cut it anymore. And I do plan to start running again- I have a 10K fun run in a couple of months to look forward to.

Oh, by the way, I found my first white hair yesterday. There is no premature greying in my family (that I'm aware of), so I'm attributing it directly to stress and this MLC experience (likely BD2 by the length). When asked what X-Men character was my favorite, I'd always picked Rogue but I didn't mean it in this way. I'm taking this as a sign to up my self-care practices: increase the meditation, the yoga, and the epsom salt baths. More dancing, more walks outside, more taking in nature. I have no intention of letting the stress of this experience get to me- I've been impacted enough thank you very much.

[Baxter1]

F-

The dog (Baxter) has absolutely helped me get this far. Taking long walks and just getting out if the house definitely helps clear the mind. As for GAL I definitely had to force myself in the beginning, after a while I started to look forward to it. I’m an introvert so getting out there is tough but worth the effort. Sounds like you’re doing well, keep it up!

[Flummoxed]

Thanks, Baxter1! Hoping to get to your level soon 😂 As a fellow introvert, I didn’t think I’d see the day when time at home wasn’t the recovery cure, but here we are. Three cheers for Baxter (the dog)- for being such a great companion, especially during this time.

[Flummoxed]

Journaling:

Look at me go- a whole week since my last post. Not going to lie; I'm a little proud.

Not much of an update regarding the MLCer- I did get one reach out from Monster regarding his next steps, served with a rationale that sounded like it could make sense to someone who didn't know what they were talking about. I'm staying dark for the time being, practically going ghost. Cook away, you confused man.

I did end up meeting up with my friend last week and it was a blast- to no one's surprise on this forum. We've made plans to meet again this week. Over the course of this past week, I've also got the chance to meet with my therapist, donate a bunch of furniture that no longer brought me joy, started learning tarot, found a great local bakery from where I can pick up some fantastic bread, handed a family guitar over for repair, picked up some fiction novels from the library to attempt to read, and got lunch and visited an art gallery with my brother. I also started spending my evenings in the backyard, tucked under a blanket, taking in the chill and catching the sunset. It's a beautifully peaceful moment that I hope to take advantage of for as long as the weather allows. The moment is promptly followed by the hottest tea and an indoor blanket to support recuperation efforts.

I have my dogsitting stint starting tomorrow and I'm very excited to have a little company for the next couple of weeks. I'm spending this week adding as much to my calendar for the next month as I possibly can. Any advice on fun holiday activities for solo person? It'll be my first year and I'm all for creating new traditions, but any and all ideas are most welcome! I will be getting and decorating a tree.

This past week, I've noticed the first thing I think about when I wake up has no longer been my STBXH or the change in my reality. A baby step, I know, but such a welcome change. It hits me a bit later in the morning, but my first thoughts have been things I'm looking forward to or what a wonderful time I had the day before. I'm finding I feel way better overall when I don't think about him at all. I've felt my anxiety growing over the past few days, and it really came to an uncomfortable level today- I need to unpack why that is the case. I took in an epsom salt bath, which definitely helped.

GAL-ing is helping considerably- that and getting rid of things. I'm selling my guitar and gear next week when I pick up the restored one. I feel so much better with the old furniture gone. Slowly increasing my donations and purging my life of the things that were used and/or abused without my consent. I know it's more of a mental thing than anything else, but it feels very therapeutic.

Happy Thanksgiving to all who celebrate. I'm thankful for my loved ones who have been so incredibly supportive, new and old friends for making life so much more exciting and enjoyable, for this forum for providing such a safe and unbelievable venue in which to work through this season of life, for furry friends for teaching us the importance of being in the moment and finding joy in the little things, and to the universe for directing us to opportunities for growth and betterment. Even though I would not have voluntarily chosen to be where I am today a year ago, I am thankful for the lessons I have learned along the way thus far. We only have so much time- I want to spend it with the ones I love, being loved and doing the things that bring me joy, and taking in the beauty of the world around me.

[Reinventing]

Fluxommed, you sound like you're on a great path. It has it's ups and downs emotionally for sure, but you're giving yourself a great chance to heal and make the most of a painful situation, and thrive. I see some adventures coming your way!

I was at the store today and overheard one of the employees say to a younger employee, "every day is a gift". It was said with sincerity and a smile and that was all I heard of their interaction as I walked by.

I thought to myself, what pain did that person go through in their life to come to say that? How did they come to that realization? It is true, every day is a gift.

[Flummoxed]

Journaling:

And so the pendulum swings. I’m taking care of a senior pup; he’s a bit of an anxious little guy so we stay home a lot. Which hasn’t been the best for me so far- I’m getting back into my head instead of going out and mixing things up. Most of my social plans have been pushed until after he goes back home so I’m finding myself alone with my thoughts.

Not much of an update from my MLCer except he removed my access to one of our shared calendars. It was the one we used to share travel plans. I guess he decided to share it with someone else and remove my access. The man who, at BD, didn’t want to hold me back from traveling because he didn’t enjoy it, which apparently was grounds for a divorce is now traveling up a storm enough to share a travel calendar with someone he’s known for less than a year. No wonder my process server has yet to find him.

It just bugs me. I wanted a life with him, to travel with him, to make memories and explore new places with him, and all he wanted to do when we were together was save money because our future family will need it. Then when we’re about to firetrucking start our future family, he goes into crisis and goes on nonstop adventures with some random he would have hated had he been in his right mind. Blowing through the savings that was supposed to be for our future family. Thanks, love.

It’s really hard not to believe he’s having a ball during all this. Truly. Because I would have loved to travel, would have loved to spend so much time in making beautiful memories in new places with him. It’s hard to think of him as running from his depression when the only thing he subbed from his life was me.

Yesterday, I felt flickers of true emotional detachment and I did my best to stay in it. It felt like overwhelming peace. I think my growing anxiety is related to being so hooked on a certain outcome, that when I finally decided to let it go and leave it to the universe/a high power, it felt like such relief. I felt so at peace.

And then I woke up this morning feeling so sad. And now I’m feeling angry. A lovely little carousel of emotions on display today. The last three to four years he’s been so distant and people pleasing to the max. And for the past two years he’s been someone unrecognizable. I’m really trying to let go of my preferred outcome because I think it’s just bringing me pain. Of course, I would love reconciliation if he was to heal, but I can’t do the additional little heartbreaks. I’m trying to feel this big batch of feelings out so I can truly let go. If it’s mean to be, he’ll find me before it’s too late.

[UrsaMajor]

Blowing through the savings that was supposed to be for our future family. Thanks, love.

One word of advice - if he is blowing through your savings, make sure that you document it as this is still joint property....

[Flummoxed]

Thanks, UM! Unfortunately, it’s technically separate- our only formally joint asset is our property. Although, during our relationship (aside from the MLC period), I was in charge of funding our general day-to-day life with my income and he was in charge of saving and investing with his income, primarily because he was unable to remember anything outside of work. Which, in retrospect, was very much not fair given where we are now. So although I did by best to scrimp and save, get us on reusables and a zero waste lifestyle, cut coupons, and keep us on a budget- he has untethered access to all of the funds we left untouched, tucked away for the future.

I’ve saved as much as I can regarding documentation. I’ve heard it’s pretty cut and dry out here- when there aren’t kids involved, I guess it’s just a simple equation once you get down to it.

Also, thanks so much, Reinventing! I do hope so- looking forward to adventures to come! And you’re right- every day is a gift. Whether up or down, each day has a reason to be thankful for.

[Flummoxed]

Journaling:

Not much to cover this Sunday. I’m approaching the tail end of my dogsitting experience and it’s been a ride. He’s a sweetheart, but this week has taught me so much about patience. And how I am so not in the space to get a dog right now- I need to use this time to heal myself.

The poor guy had been abandoned as a puppy (how do we find each other?), so he has some attachment issues and is chronically terrified. He tries to act bigger than he is around other dogs, but lets down the facade when he feels safe. He feel safest when I sit right next to him and provide lots of pets. Kind of reminds me of my STBXH (pre-MLC). Of course, sometimes he refuses to compromise and it’s all about waiting him out- even if it means camping out in front of the neighbor’s house.

No updates from the MLCer as of now. I hope he’s still cooking over there, despite all the running. Trying to stay positive from a more detached space.

I’ve been stuck at home with the pup, so haven’t been able to GAL much. I hope to start back up again mid-week and keep the momentum going throughout the month. I still have open days, especially later in the month, but I’m sure ideas will fall in.

Continuing to donate and sell my belongings, the things I don’t absolutely need. I still have some things that feel tainted. As annoying as it is, I’m just reminding myself that I’m so much more than the material goods I own. Things do not define me.

Is it annoying to start (almost) from scratch again? Absolutely. But I’ve done it several times before and have come up better every time. I’m not worried about me- I know I’ll be ok, if not better than ok. I’m just waiting on this little nervous pup to go home this week so I can really work on releasing my sadness and focus on living truly for myself. I’m hoping this can help me transform my anger into compassion and move forward in the best way for me.

I keep reading the first year after BD is the hardest. The first year after BD1 wasn’t great, but I’m thinking this may be more applicable to the first year after (in my case) BD2. Trying to take things one day at a time. If he does make progress and reaches out, I want to be ready in a stronger place than I am now. If he doesn’t… I want to be in a stronger place period.

[Baxter1]

F-

Sounds like you’re getting stronger every day. No matter what happens you change for the better, maybe that’s the point of this, to come out as your best self. Also spending time with a puppy sounds like the best GAL ever.

[UrsaMajor]

Thanks, UM! Unfortunately, it’s technically separate- our only formally joint asset is our property.

While it may be technically separate, I'm willing to bet that anything amassed during the marriage is considered joint property, no matter how it was acquired. Like I said, keep records because it was understood that this savings was for BOTH of you and not for his personal pleasure.....

[Flummoxed]

Thanks, Baxter1 and UM!

Baxter1, thanks so much! I still fluctuate a lot- my mind is currently trying to ruminate on mutuals calling me “brave” for reaching out and telling me they “hope I get all the nourishment I need” at home. I have no idea what my STBXH told them; they all cut me off without a word, so I imagine it isn’t pretty, but I’m not digging in deeper for my own well-being. Working to focus on my own path and I think you’re right- maybe the point of all this is to get us back on track to growing into brighter, stronger, truer versions of ourselves. It’s a less than ideal way to trigger the journey in my opinion, but I guess you need to light a fire somehow. The little dude’s been a gem, but I feel like I’m falling back into old caretaking patterns that I need to actively get out of right now.

UM, you’re completely right. I don’t think I have much in terms of written documentation but I’m saving all I can in the interim and I have witness testimony if needed. Thank you!

[Flummoxed]

Journaling:

Hello hello! Back for my weekly update. Honestly, not much to report this week. I’ve hit the ground running with GAL activities once again. This week, I got dinner with an old friend, started my 10K training prep, paid my favorite local bakery a visit, and volunteered at a community event. I actually had a blast volunteering- I’m hoping for more opportunities in the new year!

I’ve also started to dive into my own shadow work. It’s a process, but it’s been helping me face my self-limiting beliefs head on and really burst outside of my “comfort zone”. I’ve been focused on enforcing my boundaries, listening to my inner voice, standing up for my needs, and embracing vulnerability. It’s also been helping release quite a bit of repressed emotion, which has been so beautiful. I am so thankful.

No update from the MLCer and I am thankful. Much like last week, I hope he’s cooking in spite of all the running behaviors.

I’m really focusing on letting go and embracing what’s next. I do have moments each day when I get a bit bummed or nervous about where he’s at in the process and what he’s up to, but I’m doing my best to reframe my perspective back to my own journey. When the choices are either to move forward on my own path or wait for this guy to get his life together, I’m on the side of making progress in what I can control (me).

I’m working to heal from so many patterns and beliefs that simply aren’t serving me anymore and it feels really good. Honestly, there were days this week when I didn’t think about him at all and it felt amazing. Slowly but surely, maybe two steps forward one step back, I’m making progress toward a more authentic and whole life. Granted, it won’t be linear and I’m saying this as a person who is getting a much appreciated break from Monster, but I appreciate the progress all the same.

I’ve had Sabrina Carpenter’s “Feather” stuck in my head all week and it sincerely fit the mood. I don’t know what the future holds, but I know if he felt insecure or that I was too good for him before (per Heart’s Blessing’s assessment), it’s only going to get tougher for him the more I continue on my path forward. I hope he heals and finds the peace he’s in search of- I truly hope he busts out of this terrible depression as he’s living completely in contradiction to what he used to believe was right. I don’t know how he’ll be able to live with himself. However, I am continuing on my path forward. Perhaps it will provide some lighthouse-like guidance, but that’s not my point of focus. I can only control one thing and that is myself.

Hope you all have a beautiful week ahead! 💗