[Baxter1]

F-

The dog (Baxter) has absolutely helped me get this far. Taking long walks and just getting out if the house definitely helps clear the mind. As for GAL I definitely had to force myself in the beginning, after a while I started to look forward to it. I’m an introvert so getting out there is tough but worth the effort. Sounds like you’re doing well, keep it up!

[Flummoxed]

Thanks, Baxter1! Hoping to get to your level soon 😂 As a fellow introvert, I didn’t think I’d see the day when time at home wasn’t the recovery cure, but here we are. Three cheers for Baxter (the dog)- for being such a great companion, especially during this time.

[Flummoxed]

Journaling:

Look at me go- a whole week since my last post. Not going to lie; I'm a little proud.

Not much of an update regarding the MLCer- I did get one reach out from Monster regarding his next steps, served with a rationale that sounded like it could make sense to someone who didn't know what they were talking about. I'm staying dark for the time being, practically going ghost. Cook away, you confused man.

I did end up meeting up with my friend last week and it was a blast- to no one's surprise on this forum. We've made plans to meet again this week. Over the course of this past week, I've also got the chance to meet with my therapist, donate a bunch of furniture that no longer brought me joy, started learning tarot, found a great local bakery from where I can pick up some fantastic bread, handed a family guitar over for repair, picked up some fiction novels from the library to attempt to read, and got lunch and visited an art gallery with my brother. I also started spending my evenings in the backyard, tucked under a blanket, taking in the chill and catching the sunset. It's a beautifully peaceful moment that I hope to take advantage of for as long as the weather allows. The moment is promptly followed by the hottest tea and an indoor blanket to support recuperation efforts.

I have my dogsitting stint starting tomorrow and I'm very excited to have a little company for the next couple of weeks. I'm spending this week adding as much to my calendar for the next month as I possibly can. Any advice on fun holiday activities for solo person? It'll be my first year and I'm all for creating new traditions, but any and all ideas are most welcome! I will be getting and decorating a tree.

This past week, I've noticed the first thing I think about when I wake up has no longer been my STBXH or the change in my reality. A baby step, I know, but such a welcome change. It hits me a bit later in the morning, but my first thoughts have been things I'm looking forward to or what a wonderful time I had the day before. I'm finding I feel way better overall when I don't think about him at all. I've felt my anxiety growing over the past few days, and it really came to an uncomfortable level today- I need to unpack why that is the case. I took in an epsom salt bath, which definitely helped.

GAL-ing is helping considerably- that and getting rid of things. I'm selling my guitar and gear next week when I pick up the restored one. I feel so much better with the old furniture gone. Slowly increasing my donations and purging my life of the things that were used and/or abused without my consent. I know it's more of a mental thing than anything else, but it feels very therapeutic.

Happy Thanksgiving to all who celebrate. I'm thankful for my loved ones who have been so incredibly supportive, new and old friends for making life so much more exciting and enjoyable, for this forum for providing such a safe and unbelievable venue in which to work through this season of life, for furry friends for teaching us the importance of being in the moment and finding joy in the little things, and to the universe for directing us to opportunities for growth and betterment. Even though I would not have voluntarily chosen to be where I am today a year ago, I am thankful for the lessons I have learned along the way thus far. We only have so much time- I want to spend it with the ones I love, being loved and doing the things that bring me joy, and taking in the beauty of the world around me.

[Reinventing]

Fluxommed, you sound like you're on a great path. It has it's ups and downs emotionally for sure, but you're giving yourself a great chance to heal and make the most of a painful situation, and thrive. I see some adventures coming your way!

I was at the store today and overheard one of the employees say to a younger employee, "every day is a gift". It was said with sincerity and a smile and that was all I heard of their interaction as I walked by.

I thought to myself, what pain did that person go through in their life to come to say that? How did they come to that realization? It is true, every day is a gift.

[Flummoxed]

Journaling:

And so the pendulum swings. I’m taking care of a senior pup; he’s a bit of an anxious little guy so we stay home a lot. Which hasn’t been the best for me so far- I’m getting back into my head instead of going out and mixing things up. Most of my social plans have been pushed until after he goes back home so I’m finding myself alone with my thoughts.

Not much of an update from my MLCer except he removed my access to one of our shared calendars. It was the one we used to share travel plans. I guess he decided to share it with someone else and remove my access. The man who, at BD, didn’t want to hold me back from traveling because he didn’t enjoy it, which apparently was grounds for a divorce is now traveling up a storm enough to share a travel calendar with someone he’s known for less than a year. No wonder my process server has yet to find him.

It just bugs me. I wanted a life with him, to travel with him, to make memories and explore new places with him, and all he wanted to do when we were together was save money because our future family will need it. Then when we’re about to firetrucking start our future family, he goes into crisis and goes on nonstop adventures with some random he would have hated had he been in his right mind. Blowing through the savings that was supposed to be for our future family. Thanks, love.

It’s really hard not to believe he’s having a ball during all this. Truly. Because I would have loved to travel, would have loved to spend so much time in making beautiful memories in new places with him. It’s hard to think of him as running from his depression when the only thing he subbed from his life was me.

Yesterday, I felt flickers of true emotional detachment and I did my best to stay in it. It felt like overwhelming peace. I think my growing anxiety is related to being so hooked on a certain outcome, that when I finally decided to let it go and leave it to the universe/a high power, it felt like such relief. I felt so at peace.

And then I woke up this morning feeling so sad. And now I’m feeling angry. A lovely little carousel of emotions on display today. The last three to four years he’s been so distant and people pleasing to the max. And for the past two years he’s been someone unrecognizable. I’m really trying to let go of my preferred outcome because I think it’s just bringing me pain. Of course, I would love reconciliation if he was to heal, but I can’t do the additional little heartbreaks. I’m trying to feel this big batch of feelings out so I can truly let go. If it’s mean to be, he’ll find me before it’s too late.

[UrsaMajor]

Blowing through the savings that was supposed to be for our future family. Thanks, love.

One word of advice - if he is blowing through your savings, make sure that you document it as this is still joint property....

[Flummoxed]

Thanks, UM! Unfortunately, it’s technically separate- our only formally joint asset is our property. Although, during our relationship (aside from the MLC period), I was in charge of funding our general day-to-day life with my income and he was in charge of saving and investing with his income, primarily because he was unable to remember anything outside of work. Which, in retrospect, was very much not fair given where we are now. So although I did by best to scrimp and save, get us on reusables and a zero waste lifestyle, cut coupons, and keep us on a budget- he has untethered access to all of the funds we left untouched, tucked away for the future.

I’ve saved as much as I can regarding documentation. I’ve heard it’s pretty cut and dry out here- when there aren’t kids involved, I guess it’s just a simple equation once you get down to it.

Also, thanks so much, Reinventing! I do hope so- looking forward to adventures to come! And you’re right- every day is a gift. Whether up or down, each day has a reason to be thankful for.

[Flummoxed]

Journaling:

Not much to cover this Sunday. I’m approaching the tail end of my dogsitting experience and it’s been a ride. He’s a sweetheart, but this week has taught me so much about patience. And how I am so not in the space to get a dog right now- I need to use this time to heal myself.

The poor guy had been abandoned as a puppy (how do we find each other?), so he has some attachment issues and is chronically terrified. He tries to act bigger than he is around other dogs, but lets down the facade when he feels safe. He feel safest when I sit right next to him and provide lots of pets. Kind of reminds me of my STBXH (pre-MLC). Of course, sometimes he refuses to compromise and it’s all about waiting him out- even if it means camping out in front of the neighbor’s house.

No updates from the MLCer as of now. I hope he’s still cooking over there, despite all the running. Trying to stay positive from a more detached space.

I’ve been stuck at home with the pup, so haven’t been able to GAL much. I hope to start back up again mid-week and keep the momentum going throughout the month. I still have open days, especially later in the month, but I’m sure ideas will fall in.

Continuing to donate and sell my belongings, the things I don’t absolutely need. I still have some things that feel tainted. As annoying as it is, I’m just reminding myself that I’m so much more than the material goods I own. Things do not define me.

Is it annoying to start (almost) from scratch again? Absolutely. But I’ve done it several times before and have come up better every time. I’m not worried about me- I know I’ll be ok, if not better than ok. I’m just waiting on this little nervous pup to go home this week so I can really work on releasing my sadness and focus on living truly for myself. I’m hoping this can help me transform my anger into compassion and move forward in the best way for me.

I keep reading the first year after BD is the hardest. The first year after BD1 wasn’t great, but I’m thinking this may be more applicable to the first year after (in my case) BD2. Trying to take things one day at a time. If he does make progress and reaches out, I want to be ready in a stronger place than I am now. If he doesn’t… I want to be in a stronger place period.

[Baxter1]

F-

Sounds like you’re getting stronger every day. No matter what happens you change for the better, maybe that’s the point of this, to come out as your best self. Also spending time with a puppy sounds like the best GAL ever.

[UrsaMajor]

Thanks, UM! Unfortunately, it’s technically separate- our only formally joint asset is our property.

While it may be technically separate, I'm willing to bet that anything amassed during the marriage is considered joint property, no matter how it was acquired. Like I said, keep records because it was understood that this savings was for BOTH of you and not for his personal pleasure.....