[UrsaMajor]

*I know she wants this D more than anything. 
*Yet she continues to take actions they don’t reflect that because the D process is being dragged out.  Some things would be so simple to agree upon.  Why argue over stupid things and stall?
*Then she lashes out at me when the D isn’t going anywhere.  And I keep saying it’s your D.  I’ll do whatever I’m legally required to do but I’m not gonna hold your hand and help you destroy our lives.

and HERE is where you should FULL STOP. Her D, HER responsibility. NOT your circus, NOT your monkeys.... If she wants it THAT bad, she has to accept the consequences that come along with it...

*Then I give up, say I can’t take it anymore, I will handle all the paperwork and push the D forward

So you touch the hot stove again?

*Then she makes the terms impossible to negotiate, so I can’t move forward, and I put pencils down, again

And, yep, it is still firetrucking hot.....

*Rinse and repeat. 

Then pull the power cord... Stop putting your hand on the stove burner...

Why does a person behave like this?  There is no doubt in my mind she wants this D more than anything in the world.  She’s not conflicted.  Then why not just D. It’s makes no sense. 

What does green taste like?

The thing I keep coming back to is yes, she wants this D more than anything, but she wants it on HER terms, which are the alternative reality/fantasy land terms in her mind.  And there is no talking about it or rationalizing it.  They believe what they believe until a judge tells them otherwise.  And that’s why we are no where with this D.

Of course... because the MLC'er is all about da Bass.... Me Me Me Me Me...

I haven’t tested it yet.  But I suspect even if I agree to all the fantasyland terms she would STILL delay the process.  It would then be other terms that would pop up.  Just my gut feeling.

Don't test by giving up things you are not willing to give up.... Because then, even if you don't reach an agreement, you are starting over again deeper in the hole than before....

Hey Doc, it REALLY hurts when I stab myself in the nose with this barbecue fork
Well then, why don't you STOP STABBING YOURSELF IN THE NOSE WITH THE BARBECUE FORK?

And if this is the case.  Then why does a person do this. Spend $60k in legal fees but not leave?  And continue on the war path with zero signs of slowing?
What explanation could there be, rational or irrational, to explain this.

What does green taste like?

[FrenchHusband]

What explanation could there be, rational or irrational, to explain this. 

Any suggestions or conjecture on why she's lying about this?

I have one irrational explanation to the irrational behavior. I don't claim to be a reference on this topic, so please take it with a big spoon full of salt.

We are dealing with 2 people in same body : the spouse whom is still married with us, and the inner child who is hurt and is in pain.
The inner child has been repressed during many years in the unconscious, she is now leading the body, the inner child wants to run because of the pain.
Our spouse wants to stay married, our spouse still loves the husband.

It is impossible to satisfy both personalities at the same time : if you give the divorce, the spouse will fight. If you stop the divorce, the inner child will fight.
Best solution is go out of this fight, the only person who can reconcile the inner child and the spouse is ... them.

So, with irrational explanation, I reach the same conclusion as Ursa Major.

[WHY]

What explanation could there be, rational or irrational, to explain this. 

Any suggestions or conjecture on why she's lying about this?

I have one irrational explanation to the irrational behavior. I don't claim to be a reference on this topic, so please take it with a big spoon full of salt.

We are dealing with 2 people in same body : the spouse whom is still married with us, and the inner child who is hurt and is in pain.
The inner child has been repressed during many years in the unconscious, she is now leading the body, the inner child wants to run because of the pain.
Our spouse wants to stay married, our spouse still loves the husband.

It is impossible to satisfy both personalities at the same time : if you give the divorce, the spouse will fight. If you stop the divorce, the inner child will fight.
Best solution is go out of this fight, the only person who can reconcile the inner child and the spouse is ... them.

So, with irrational explanation, I reach the same conclusion as Ursa Major.

I love this idea of the two personalities wrestling with each other to make decisions.   Which frames and explains their indecisiveness.  It’s perfect. 

[mcm64d]

All of this reminds me of something funny now, though at the time not so....

When she told me she wanted a divorce, she was concerned about the tax effects of selling the house. I told her to ask someone else because no matter what I say, I am always wrong. (I am a CPA, I  knew the answer but I didn't want to go thru the ridiculousness of her tearing into me if I told her that there is no tax effect...)

A WEEK after she told me she wanted a divorce, she asked me if I researched this. When I told her no, I was more focused on me and my self- care and that she was told to ask someone she would believe. She then accused me of stalling the divorce. (The divorce which wasn't even underway yet)

Now she won't take the steps to finalize it.....All this aggravation over something I never wanted.

Nice day out today. Hoping it is wherever you are in the world!!

[KellBell]

Honestly I think from the hours of therapy I've invested in for myself and husband, it's because deep down they are still conflicted. Their whole being is spiraling and they need a scapegoat- it's sure as heck not going to themselves. They are unhappy, unfulfilled, un-whatever and YOU are the reason why. But there is still a tiny voice, a minuscule slice of rational thought that says if you leave him/this marriage and you're still unhappy then who are you going to blame? That's fear and selfishness right there. It's easier to feel crappy and blame you than it is to leave, still be unhappy and then have to figure out why that is. Part of MLC is shedding responsibility and here she is doing just that. Taking action and dissolving a marriage is hard and it's adulting 100%...no MLCer wants to do that. I admire you for giving her the time and money to drag this on.

I get both sides- your divorce then you do it and then the other which is just give them the divorce. It's a gamble both ways and a not fun process regardless. Just know that people who 100% want a divorce- do it and don't waste time. Best of luck to you.

[mcm64d]

Thanks KB.

No gamble left. I paid a flat fee for my lawyer. Agreed to all terms of the Property Settlement Agreement she had drafted (including no alimony miraculously, which she herself said her lawyer thought was a "crazy move"), sold the house and split the proceeds. She owes me 50% of the house assets sold, which shouldn't amount to much, and I asked her to send me my taxes for the past 7 years.

She is fighting me on the last two. I asked her to mail it to our old address as I do not want her knowing where I live. She insisted I guarantee it gets to me, which I cannot do. I am not the US Postal Service. So I then told her to give it to her lawyer and let the lawyers work out the logistics. She refused to do that. The only way she will give me this is if she can give it to her father and have me meet him to pick up. Under no circumstance do I want anyone else having my financial information, so I declined. I have since blocked her number and have gone completely dark.

If/ when I decide if the benefit of getting my lawyer involved outweighs the costs, then I will put it in his hands. If not, then I will probably just call it a day and have my sanity in check.

[Happylight]

I have one irrational explanation to the irrational behavior. I don't claim to be a reference on this topic, so please take it with a big spoon full of salt.

We are dealing with 2 people in same body : the spouse whom is still married with us, and the inner child who is hurt and is in pain.
The inner child has been repressed during many years in the unconscious, she is now leading the body, the inner child wants to run because of the pain.
Our spouse wants to stay married, our spouse still loves the husband.

It is impossible to satisfy both personalities at the same time : if you give the divorce, the spouse will fight. If you stop the divorce, the inner child will fight.
Best solution is go out of this fight, the only person who can reconcile the inner child and the spouse is ... them.

So, with irrational explanation, I reach the same conclusion as Ursa Major.

Hearts Blessing writes about this concept--she calls it The Children of the Midlifer's Issues.  She basically has a similar concept.  I think it makes sense--maybe the concept of multiple personalities disorder was idea was orginally conceived from observing a MLC individual. :-P

[forthetrees]

I´m pretty sure you can ask the IRS for copies of your returns.

[Nas]

I´m pretty sure you can ask the IRS for copies of your returns.

You can. I had to gather copies of several years right after my former H vanished. As frustrating as it is to have to put in more legwork, this seems like the easiest option for you.

I also don't want to overstep, but I'm curious about your reason for blocking her phone number (it seems like maybe you've blocked and unblocked a few times? Apologies if I've read that wrong throughout your posts.) If you're blocking her until you're in a better place emotionally to avoid the rise of anticipatory anxiety that comes from not knowing if/when you'll get a text from her and what it might say, I totally get that. Otherwise, and again, I don't mean to overstep and I'm sorry if I'm wrong about the circumstances, but you might be hurting yourself more in regards to getting the stuff done that you need done.

Not telling you what to do, just a different perspective on the communication issues. Going dark doesn't necessarily require blocking, and blocking is sometimes what's needed for emotional wellbeing when an MLCer is being extremely combative or abusive, but is maybe less effective as a healing tool otherwise because, again, it's a direct action toward her ("I am blocking you") that keeps her as the focal point, as opposed to just going dark for yourself by not reaching out. At least until all the loose ends are tied up and you know you won't need to ask anything of her again.

[mcm64d]

Good to know since the only reason I want the last 7 years' returns is if I get audited by the IRS.....44

Nas- not overstepping whatsoever. As far as I remember, I have never blocked it before. I know I thought about it several times, but only now I have blocked it.

This was because I was at work and she kept texting me basically telling me the only way I would get these items was if her father could meet me somewhere. I dont' know how many times I  told her under no circumstances to have my financial information. After going around and around, I finally told her I was at work and couldn't continue this conversation since she was not respecting my privacy nor boundaries and so I am blocking your number.

Best move I made. I can get notifications on my phone and look at them knowing it cannot be her. And please do not misunderstand, she has my email addresses and has not tried to reach out.

The only thing I care about is getting the final steps of this divorce completed so I can move on. Finality and closure my therapist reckons. I really do not want to get involved since its not my divorce but I may if enough time passes. Otherwise, I really have nothing to say at this point. Hoping this answers your question. If not, you know where I am Thanks Nas. I appreciate you.