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Author Topic: Discussion Anyone else have a vanisher 21?

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Discussion Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
OP: February 17, 2019, 09:50:52 AM
New thread for the clanishers of the vanisher s. Hope all join sling again.

Personally I find the lack of contact plays on my mind as we have no insite into h life or thoughts or emotions. I think my children also struggle with this.



Previous thread
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10504.new;topicseen#new
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« Last Edit: February 17, 2019, 09:56:34 AM by Thunder »
Me 55
H56
Divorced 3/dec/2019
Together 30yrs
BD 20/10/2014
Left first 12/12/2014
10 come backs and leaves again for same ow
Last left 7.03.17.
Ow 16 yrs younger, no children never been married. co worker. EA turned to PA and lives with ow
Divorce bomb drop by him 31/8/17 by solicitor letter after being caught by ow at lunch with me 3 wk earlier. Finances Not yet finalised.
Crazy divorce started by him.
Clinging boomerang for 3 yrs now Vanisher but  twice a yr pops his head up. ow has balls in a vice!

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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#1: February 17, 2019, 11:47:35 AM
My daughter sees ex for about 30 minutes a week. I don't have contact. But I like it better that way. It's easier not to know. My daughter says he is just angry all the time. Everytime he sees her he is shocked that she still doesnt like him. It's been 3 years and she says he still doesnt get how she feels.
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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#2: February 17, 2019, 12:17:00 PM
I'm here!

Rising, I understand that desire to know something of what is going on in their lives. Contact gives us snippets, which we then run with and keep is cycling for weeks. I was one of worst of these. I wanted to keep the contact. I feared that lack of contact meant the end. Maybe it does, I don't know. But I've just recently reached a point where I couldn't stand the cycling any more. I can't keep hoping and hurting, hoping and hurting....

For me right now, I'm better not hearing from him, about him, not seeing him, not having S see him (not that I would stop him), just better off with nothing, as if he no longer exists.

It's hard with a vanisher, we get no crumbs and that's really hard. Not to make light of the clingers, they're right pains, but for me, I would rather have some crumbs.

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Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D26, D23, S16
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#3: February 17, 2019, 12:27:06 PM
I agree milly, I prefer the no contact as if he doesn’t exist but sometimes you just wonder what’s going on the other side or do they wonder what’s goes on with their old family. I am much calmer with no monster to deal with. I won’t reach out at all. Nothing. He has his new family so crack on matey!

I really want to move out of the area but as h won’t  communicate re anything let alone finances and divorce, I’m stuck and I’m not chasing and throwing more money away chasing it. We don’t even know if he has a solicitor any longer. Xx

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Me 55
H56
Divorced 3/dec/2019
Together 30yrs
BD 20/10/2014
Left first 12/12/2014
10 come backs and leaves again for same ow
Last left 7.03.17.
Ow 16 yrs younger, no children never been married. co worker. EA turned to PA and lives with ow
Divorce bomb drop by him 31/8/17 by solicitor letter after being caught by ow at lunch with me 3 wk earlier. Finances Not yet finalised.
Crazy divorce started by him.
Clinging boomerang for 3 yrs now Vanisher but  twice a yr pops his head up. ow has balls in a vice!

nah

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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#4: February 17, 2019, 02:39:11 PM
For me, the last contact was when he tried to call and I didn’t answer. It was shortly after my book went public, so I’m pretty sure that was what it was about. I’m hoping this will be our last contact, I doubt very much it will be.

We have too many mutual relationships.
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me-53
ow-31
married 1986
BD April 6 2013 day after family went out for sons birthday.
I packed his bags two days later...semi-vanisher
https://heneversaidaword.com

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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#5: February 17, 2019, 03:07:17 PM
My last contact was last November when I met him in the local convenience store parking lot to give him the last two guns that were stored here. 

I'm glad he doesn't wish to contact me or see me.  It has most certainly helped my healing and moving forward. 

Maybe someday he'll look me up and be ready to admit he made the biggest mistake of his life blowing up our world.  I'd be appreciative of hearing him admit it and take ownership of all the crap.  I don't figure it will ever happen so for me, I'd just as soon never hear from him again. 

Thanks for starting our new thread, RP. 
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BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#6: February 17, 2019, 03:37:36 PM
I am fine with the lack of contact. It was I who cut contact. When I have to contact Mr J for business or legal reasons it is never something I like.

As for an inside into his mind, for the most part, he remains angry and nasty after more than 12 years into BD. Not someone I would like to have around.
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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#7: February 17, 2019, 04:49:55 PM
My last contact was the day my mother died when I in advertently sent him a message meant for someone else that said, “thinking about every decision I have ever made.” Then a little while later when I realized my mistake, I sent him another message letting him know that that message was actually meant for someone else.
And he wrote back, “easy to do.”
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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#8: February 17, 2019, 06:45:00 PM
Last contact I has almost been a year. When it was the irs was breathing down his neck. Said he loved talking to me bc I saw things he didn’t see. Now no contact at all before that a little over a year.
 I’m good with not hearing from him again. 
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« Last Edit: February 17, 2019, 06:49:27 PM by Shelly7435 »
M 54
H 49
M 12 years; together 17 years
D19, S29
Summer 2014 - H wanted to runaway
9/14 I was diagnosed with Breast cancer
11/14 Surgery for BC..3 day after my father dies
11/14 BD 2 days after surgery. I have no passion for you.
2/15 moved out
Dated each other all year affection back on..
3/16 moved home
7/16 Diagnosed with Breast cancer again
8/16 No affection again. I knew something was wrong.
9/16 Another surgery for Breast Cancer
9/16 BD 11 days after surgery discovered -EA with much younger W from Work. That is over. I think he has meaningless flings. Work is his mistress
10/16 I filed for D (financial reasons)
10/16 I moved out.
10/16 vanisher
5/17 Divorce final

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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#9: February 18, 2019, 07:16:19 AM
The last in person contact I had was 10/31/2017.  There was a phone convo in late Jan of 2018.  There's been texts initially just basic stuff then turned to her monster.  Then when I didn't engage, nothing.  Haven't received a text since early October of 2018.  That one said, "just to let you know I had to take D to the Emergency room for asthma attack.  It's not serious but urgent care was closed.  I'll let you know how it goes."  She has never had asthma, since learned OM smokes and likely what was causing problems for D.  I responded 2hr later I didn't read it right away because I figured it was monster garbage. "I was out, just saw your message.  hope shes feeling better."  Since then not a single peep.  She also said at the beginning of the school year thru text.  "When I get info on D's school, I'll pass it along."  Info was never sent.  I asked couple times then just figured it was a lost cause.  I think the claim that she will send some info then not doing it, is just the monster trying to make me mad, so if it's not sent, I just ignore it.     
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M39, W38, D16, S14, S13 at BD. 20yr together married 18
Said I love you every night before bed good physical R
8/31/17 filed for D, left papers at house for me to find. Didn't come home or answer phone.
Moved to her parents house 2 doors down.
9/15/17 discover OM and PA she had the night of BD.
OM 12yr older unemployed in NY city met online leaving to marry him.  Said "I've done things for others my whole life time for me to do something for me", "I deserve to do what makes me happy!"
10/31/2017 left for good.
D final 12/21/2017
Returned once 3/28/18 to visit family.
Convinced D to leave and live with her 6/4/2018
Boys both live with me don't talk to mom.

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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#10: February 18, 2019, 08:46:32 AM
Last f 2 f was Oct 16.
Last contact...idk...think I got a rage mail with a side order of sadz 'how did we get into this mess' about May/June 18 sometime? (Healthy that I don't recall, I think  :) )
But to be fair, I went NC then to stop the nasty ow notes so it would be difficult if not impossible for him to contact me now.

What I do notice is that some bit of me is really bothered by his upcoming birthday next month, a special number.
My head says it is respectful of his wish for you to let go to do nothing and it is sensible for your own healing to accept that it is not appropriate for you to send a birthday gift to someone else's' h or open that NC door.
Yet a tiny bit of me worries that - if there is any original left in there - it will hurt him if I don't acknowledge it and remove any slight chance of ever getting some acknowledgement or apology in return which a tiny bit of me craves.
Ridiculous though.
I won't. My head will win bc respect for his choice and self-respect for my wellbeing is too clear a reason. But I do see that there is a tiny itch....isn't that strange?
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« Last Edit: February 18, 2019, 08:52:50 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.


"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#11: February 18, 2019, 08:47:45 PM
Wow Treasure. I’m so glad you wrote that, because I’ve had those same exact thoughts. My logical side always wins out, but in the back of my mind I worry about how he is perceiving my silence. 
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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#12: February 23, 2019, 07:04:23 AM
If you have 5 minutes and 24 seconds to watch this, and even if you've seen it before, it's always worth watching again. 

Madea - Let Them Go

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=CTPzXwNVc9g

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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#13: February 23, 2019, 01:15:50 PM
I wish Hero's Spouse had a "Like" button.  :)
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H-55
me-53
ow-31
married 1986
BD April 6 2013 day after family went out for sons birthday.
I packed his bags two days later...semi-vanisher
https://heneversaidaword.com

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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#14: February 23, 2019, 07:53:21 PM
True. But, at first, all LBS want the MLCer back. Later, some still do.

The MLCer is not someone whose name we will not remember 3 or 4 years down the road, and MLC is different than normal breakups.

That said, I loved the having peace in our house and if it is not there, something is wrong/not worthy. Also loved "I rather be by myself with a puppy and with a goldfish and be happy than be sitting around with somebody in my house wondering what they are here for". Replace the puppy and goldfish with books and films/TV shows and that is me. 
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Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#15: February 27, 2019, 03:08:59 PM
Following along.

Last contact I had was a year ago and 5 months ago that was a v brief meeting re divorce stuff. All other communication until nearly a year ago was via a solicitor when divorce was finalised. Nothing since.. Before then there were only ever a few times we had contact since the day he left in Sept 2016 literally I could count on one hand..
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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#16: March 01, 2019, 03:34:37 AM
My vanisher heard that my father died last week and on Wednesday night I got a message from him. (Messenger is the only way we can communicate since I don’t have his phone number and he doesn’t use the only email address I have for him). I’m still dealing with details of my father’s funeral and cleaning out his apartment, etc, and don’t want to add any possible extra emotional exhaustion. I haven’t opened or read the message and I don’t even know if I will, at least not for a while.

I can see the preview and what I can read is about me and my relationship with my father. So it’s maybe a step up from 3 weeks ago when I sent him a message telling him my mother died and his initial response was an empty “sorry to hear that” followed by an obligatory question about my health.
But I’m not ready to see where the rest of the message leads. I’m pretty sure it’s just a few lines of the kind of condolences you send to just anyone who loses their father.
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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#17: March 01, 2019, 04:14:53 AM
When my mother dies (and she loved him rather better than his own mother for 18 years) I wouldn't bother telling him. Or if I found out I was seriously ill again. Or anyone else he used to care about died. I simply don't believe he would give a s$it and it wouldn't do anything useful for me. But how sad and shoddy a human being does that make him after 18 years....And to be fair, I assume that no one in his family would let me know if he was knocked down by a bus tomorrow as they discarded me and ghosted me too.

My strength lies in not denying the reality that all of them decided I was not worth anything to them any longer. But imho that says much more about how damaged they all are than about me or my family as it was when my h was a much-loved and respected part of it. But they don't get to be in charge of the reality of my past, my family, my m or who I am. F em I say....until the karma bus fairy does her job lol.
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.


"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#18: March 01, 2019, 04:22:11 AM
Agreed. It adds a layer of confusion that my MIL does reach out. And H reached out 2 hours after MIL, so obviously she told him about my father as soon as she found out.
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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#19: March 01, 2019, 04:59:13 AM
Sorry to hear about your mother and father nas. I don’t know if I would tell h if one of my parents passed. I don’t even know if he would reach out if he did know. I don’t think I would open a message either as if it was just a message that h would sent an acquaintance, I would feel more hurt on top of grieving so I understand your reluctance to open the message.  I believe messenger shows when someone has read your message so your h will know you don’t wish to read it. Xx
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Me 55
H56
Divorced 3/dec/2019
Together 30yrs
BD 20/10/2014
Left first 12/12/2014
10 come backs and leaves again for same ow
Last left 7.03.17.
Ow 16 yrs younger, no children never been married. co worker. EA turned to PA and lives with ow
Divorce bomb drop by him 31/8/17 by solicitor letter after being caught by ow at lunch with me 3 wk earlier. Finances Not yet finalised.
Crazy divorce started by him.
Clinging boomerang for 3 yrs now Vanisher but  twice a yr pops his head up. ow has balls in a vice!

nah

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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#20: April 03, 2019, 06:51:20 AM
Hey Clanishers of the vanishers....

Are our numbers dwindling or are we just getting bored?

Just to refresh I had to check my phone to remember the interactions I had with my vanisher this year.

May 20 2018 - I had to remind him to pay our son's car insurance.  He said he did but would recheck, never heard back.

A few months ago (not sure of date) he called and I didn't answer (it was when my book came out on KDP, he must of got over it because I didn't hear from him again)

March 12 2019 - I had to remind him to pay our son's phone bill.  He replied 3x's, "Oh Crap" (I didn't reply) "OK" (Again, I didn't reply)... "It's all set" (No reply)

So, maybe some would say he's not a vanisher b/c we have some contact.  I say Bullsh!t... this is not contact, it's a few messages about finances.  2 or 3 messages about finances after a 30 yr marriage is, well, sad.  Maybe some think it's normal, I do not.  We have raised two children together.  Our daughter doesn't talk to me and he pretends to others that I make it up or brush it off because "Nah and daughter never got along"  ::). We have literally hundreds of mutual friends and/or family.  Some have gone to the dark side and also betrayed me, some stay neutral, some hate his guts.  I never once asked anyone to "take sides", some just feel the need, I guess.  Some people who left my life I feel was a gift (like my mil, as she is a horrible person), some I was quite surprised but now understand it was their true colors (like my sil), some I will forever be heartbroken over (mainly my daughter).

So anyways... my life.

"E" and I have been finding our way.  I won't lie, it hasn't been easy.  I still have triggers, maybe a little PTSD.  I swear this man was sent to me from my guardian angel.  He has a way of bringing me back, helping me to understand to stay where my feet are placed, and to be grateful for my blessings.

So, clanishers... are you still here? 
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H-55
me-53
ow-31
married 1986
BD April 6 2013 day after family went out for sons birthday.
I packed his bags two days later...semi-vanisher
https://heneversaidaword.com

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Nas

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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#21: April 03, 2019, 07:27:16 AM
I'm still here, Nah, and still in the clan.
I actually contacted him when my mother died at the end of January.  It was fine, but he sounded like a distant acquaintance.  When my father died 3 weeks after that, I got a robotic, emotionless message telling me he'd heard about it from his mother and was sorry for my loss.  I responded with a "thank you," he asked how my health is, I told him everything was really rough right now and he told me to "Hang in there."  ::) I didn't respond to that.

Yesterday I got an email from a car dealership in HIS city 1000 miles away addressed to him about getting an oil change for his car.  ???
This is presumably the place he's been having his car serviced at since he moved there in 2016.  Not sure how a car dealership in a city I've never been to would have my email address. 



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“The desire to be loved is the last illusion. Give it up and you will be free.” ~Margaret Atwood

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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#22: April 03, 2019, 08:02:34 AM
I’m still here but not much to report. I get zero. Had to have contact in Nov/Dec re son but vanished again and blocked me when I complained that he has not booked his appt with social services re son which should of been booked within 5 days and h took 6 weeks.
I emailed xmas eve re times picking kids up Boxing Day but no reply and he didn’t have the kids. Not seen or heard from him since Dec and neither have the kids. I emailed on a sat over a week ago re ow abuse on social media and guess what! Yep, no reply but ow has ceased at present with abuse. I stated I don’t care what she puts re me but I won’t tolerate anything aimed at our kids so if he wants me to sell house and give him his share and apply for the decree absolute for him then I will if it will stop ow victimisation of me and our kids. if he could provide up to date solicitor details, I will get the ball rolling.
Only contact I have sent since xmas eve.

The kids didn’t even get a text or call on their b days and son was 16. They got an internet card.

Am just waiting for him to provide upto date solicitor details. So I am still a clanisher of a vanisher still
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« Last Edit: April 03, 2019, 08:04:47 AM by Rising Phoenix »
Me 55
H56
Divorced 3/dec/2019
Together 30yrs
BD 20/10/2014
Left first 12/12/2014
10 come backs and leaves again for same ow
Last left 7.03.17.
Ow 16 yrs younger, no children never been married. co worker. EA turned to PA and lives with ow
Divorce bomb drop by him 31/8/17 by solicitor letter after being caught by ow at lunch with me 3 wk earlier. Finances Not yet finalised.
Crazy divorce started by him.
Clinging boomerang for 3 yrs now Vanisher but  twice a yr pops his head up. ow has balls in a vice!

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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#23: April 03, 2019, 03:44:31 PM
I drop by several times a week so yeah, I'm still here!

Of course, I haven't had any contact at all from my MLCer since early November last year when we met in the parking lot of the local gas station so I could give him the last of the guns that I was still in possession of. 

I have met him on the highway a couple times so he's still hanging around this tiny town with the new Mrs. living the dream.   ::)

Me?  Well, I'm just busy living the dream too.     ;)
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BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#24: April 03, 2019, 03:54:45 PM
Still:  Good for you!  It sounds as if you are moving through the quicksand.  Hugs!
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H:56, I am 54
BD: March 2014, Left Sept 2014, Back Nov 2014
Left again in February 2015.  Asked for D on 9/22/15
Said he was "sure" he wanted a D in Dec 2015; 
Admitted long term affair - May 14, 2017 - says he is in love with the "symptom" but wants to build a relationship with me with "clear expectations" WHATEVER THAT MEANS!  Settlement Agreement signed 9/20/17.
Divorce final 3/14/18.
NC - by choice - 1/2018

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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#25: April 03, 2019, 04:06:15 PM
Still here Nas, not heard from my vanisher since just before our divorce was final last May so almost a year and any contact was via solicitor so technically it was the sept before (2017) so well over a year. It’s 2 years 7 months since BD so you could say still early days by MLC standards. He has a year old baby with OW so well entrenched in MLC land. I hear almost nothing other than the odd tot bit from friends now and again - that last one was that he was caught by OW on Tinder - I did laugh! Otherwise it’s like he’s vanished and I never knew him... the most surreal and strange situation I have ever encountered it’s almost like did any of those 12 years together actually happen? Thats life with a true vanisher...
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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#26: April 03, 2019, 04:51:32 PM
Sparkle:  The tinder episode must have made you happy - that is the karma bus for the OW.  Love it!
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H:56, I am 54
BD: March 2014, Left Sept 2014, Back Nov 2014
Left again in February 2015.  Asked for D on 9/22/15
Said he was "sure" he wanted a D in Dec 2015; 
Admitted long term affair - May 14, 2017 - says he is in love with the "symptom" but wants to build a relationship with me with "clear expectations" WHATEVER THAT MEANS!  Settlement Agreement signed 9/20/17.
Divorce final 3/14/18.
NC - by choice - 1/2018

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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#27: April 03, 2019, 06:14:33 PM
Haven’t seen my vanisher since BD on 11 August 2017. Haven’t spoken to him since March 2018, for financials. He spewed out “our family is now over” after 34 years of wonderful marriage and two kids. Wtf happened? Anyway moving forward, have a job I think divorce went through mid March. I don’t engage just assume. He wasn’t happy apparently! Lol
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Me: 58
H: 59
S30, D27
Married for 34 years
BD 11 August 2017
OW - yes, maybe multiple
H: Vanisher and Avoider
M: Letting go, trusting the process.

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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#28: April 04, 2019, 12:05:14 AM
Last saw him f2f Oct 2016. Last spoke idk about a year ago. Last email/text cycle from him (don't include recent nasty ow text  :P) about June 18 which was a sadz rant as I recall.

Most of that has been bc of my choice. If I had agreed with his 'suggestions", we would have met f2f in Feb 2018 and 'chatted' on the phone 'every other day' (with a long list of forbidden subjects lol) in 2017.....but I chose my safety and sanity first so it was a no thank you from me. Not sure even why he wanted to do it or what these flurries were about from him. Just trusted that it felt insane bc it was an insane situation and I was deeply tired of insane.  :)

I think the tough thing about vanishers is that the old them maybe stays alive in our heads a bit longer bc we don't see the new version up close (no crumbs as Milly says, although of course that saves us from some other challenges)

And just how incomprehensible it is for any normal human to understand how someone erases years of their own life with no apparent regret, remorse or doubts. Often not even a 'thanks for the fish, goodbye'. Of course that is bc normal healthy people don't do this after years of a decent relationship.
Very hard not to see their actions and possible feelings through our own more normal human filter of course. If I had treated my h as he treated me, I wouldn't ever be at peace without trying to explain and make some kind of amends for it even if it was just words. But some vanishers never even get to that point.

Sometimes, with the passage of time, it can feel as if I imagined those almost 20 years and the person I woke up with every day...which is a strange feeling in itself actually  :P  Yet I never feel that way about my father who died or my mother who is most completely lost in dementia, so that's a strange difference too.

Do you think there is something different about the character of vanishers or us or the situation that causes them to be a vanisher when other MLC spouses are not?
Or is it simply that they run so far that it is impossible for them to sidle back safely (in their minds)? No idea. But while I used to be envious of boomerangs and climbers, wondering why their spouse loved them 'more'  ::)....now I think vanishing is also a bit of a gift in the longer term, stops us getting sucked in to the rollercoaster of crazy s$it or trying to repair the unfixable. Bc tbh for most of us, once BD happens and they leave, there is simply nothing to work with for years and years is there?
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« Last Edit: April 04, 2019, 12:47:31 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.


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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#29: April 04, 2019, 12:38:38 PM
Still here. Nothing to report.
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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#30: April 04, 2019, 04:06:42 PM
Ha ha Shining star - yes was very satisfying to hear that. Also pretty funny to hear how his excuse was ‘his friends set it up as a joke’ and she not only believed him but put it all over her social media that she found it funny too. I mean talk about desperate.... Anyway doesn’t seem to have done them any damage he’s still with her though I think it’s fair to say that if you’re on Tinder you aren’t happy at home...
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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#31: April 05, 2019, 08:51:39 AM
I strongly feel that they stay vanished is simple.

They can’t face us because that would mean facing themselves and their own demons. Wasn’t that the exact reason they ran in the first place?

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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#32: April 05, 2019, 09:28:02 AM
Mr J is a vanisher because I cut contact with him. If it was up to him he would still contact I don't know how many times a day, while living with someone else, leading his MLC life and not paying what he has to pay me.

My peace of mind, have space and quietness are more important than contact with a man that is still totally where the buses don't run.
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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#33: April 06, 2019, 06:37:16 AM
My MLC.. chose to with hold my monthly payment... until I contacted him.. his response.. I have been meaning to talk to you about this... my thought... how by smoke signal,. He is a big A$$ chicken... he waited till I contacted him.. i think he feels guilty and ashamed..and he can’t handle what he did... or he thinks I’m going to be mean.. why what’s the point.. no one could be as mean and cruel as he was. I agree with nah.  He and all the other Vanisher can’t face it!!!
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M 54
H 49
M 12 years; together 17 years
D19, S29
Summer 2014 - H wanted to runaway
9/14 I was diagnosed with Breast cancer
11/14 Surgery for BC..3 day after my father dies
11/14 BD 2 days after surgery. I have no passion for you.
2/15 moved out
Dated each other all year affection back on..
3/16 moved home
7/16 Diagnosed with Breast cancer again
8/16 No affection again. I knew something was wrong.
9/16 Another surgery for Breast Cancer
9/16 BD 11 days after surgery discovered -EA with much younger W from Work. That is over. I think he has meaningless flings. Work is his mistress
10/16 I filed for D (financial reasons)
10/16 I moved out.
10/16 vanisher
5/17 Divorce final

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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#34: April 06, 2019, 12:24:19 PM

They can’t face us because that would mean facing themselves and their own demons. Wasn’t that the exact reason they ran in the first place?


Yup - that would describe my MLCer. 

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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#35: April 06, 2019, 03:28:30 PM
I guess that would be my MLCer too.
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OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#36: April 06, 2019, 03:33:04 PM
Hello clannishers
I'm still in this awesome gang.  Crickets from my Vanisher
BD Aug 2015
Only one face to face
Literally only 6 emails from him in almost 4 years: 
* 4 all business after BD,
* 1 to announce he filed for his D and
* 1 for "his sincere condolences after my father died"
So, it's interesting to think he cant face me.  My MIL contacts me regularly and always wants me to come visit her. I finally went to see her in Feb 2019 and, lo and behold ,there over the fireplace mantle sits a huge family picture starring ME still.   She also has a framed picture of me, close up and solo in my wedding veil, on her dresser near her TV in her bedroom, and a few framed pictures on her wall starring me, our dog and hwow.

Apparently he visits her often, so I guess I'm still "hanging around". 
Other than that... Crickets from hwow
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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#37: April 08, 2019, 03:25:27 PM
Almost 7 yrs since BD and no communication in years or support in any way from H.....oh except him randomly calling on Father's Day to leave a message - done that a couple of times.  WTF!

Spent the day with my stomach in a knot.  Got a text from S17 to say that OW had attempted to ask him to add her on instagram :o

Just the mention made my stomach churn  and I have spent most of the day that way.  I bet it has to do with the fact that S is nearing 18, which to H and OW I would imagine is the lucky number for them to attack re finances and our home in which we still live.

The nerve of her.  H abandoned his family and had no contact for years or paid a dime towards anything and here she is trying to make contact.

I've always said that they would do this, and especially when the kids got older, so no more parenting younger children needed, and H and OW can "welcome" them into their adult world, luring them in before they attack me.

Still the same woman, and been together now for 6 years I think.....must be love ::)

I am glad that he is a vanisher and it hurts that he has reared his ugly head via her, or in any fashion whatsoever.

I know I shouldn't worry, but I can't help feeling this is the start of them inching their way into our lives so they can get the paycheck that have patiently waited for once the kids reach adulthood.  I need to shake those thoughts and think positive!

Him not paying child support I guess is in my favour in court but I cannot afford a lawyer and courts go by the book and pretty much who owns what.  A friend of mine went through the same and ended up with nothing.

Ugh, hate this.  I know in a day or so I will be fine.  Felt similar when H and OW sent a New Year card to kids with their photos on and handwritten notes....D didn't even open it, threw it out.

They are disgusting.  Feelings aside, who does this?  Ignores a child for years then just before they turn 18, approach to be "friends" on social media.

I know, we all know....our spouses and their OP.  Disgusting!

For 7 years I have protected the kids and paid for all, and been mom, dad, everyone.

For them to contact S and initiate any kind of contact makes me sick for many reasons.  S has no interest and said he's glad he has it all private.

Up to him eventually but hope for now they go away and leave us alone.  Of course this comes after a stressful few months and this week when I'm not feeling that great.  Want to sit and cry.  Nasty people.

Thanks for listening and hugs to all.


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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#38: April 08, 2019, 10:46:14 PM
Snowdrop...as you might know I recently got a text from ow so I know that feeling of 'yuk' all too well. See it as the bit of game playing it is but don't let them win by setting off worries in your head. Your S is clear where he stands and won't be encouraging it. Sufficient unto the day et al....if new legal stuff comes up, as you say the facts are on your side and you will find a way to do what you need to do if/when you have to. After all, look at everything you dealt with in the past that you thought you couldn't? Same thing. Honour the yuk feeling....treat it like black mould with a dose of bleach and sunshine  :)
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.


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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#39: April 09, 2019, 02:02:52 AM
I know how you feel snowdrop. I do get child support but only because I went through child maintenance service. Couple of yrs behind you at 4.5yrs. No contact at all. I did send an update re kids 2 wks ago and I will send one every couple of months but son is in the process of changing his surname to my maidename. D14 will once she is 16. His loss and kids feel that he never lived them and sometimes I think, no h didn’t.
Carry on as you are. The kids know who was there for them. Certainly wasn’t h and ow! Xx
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Me 55
H56
Divorced 3/dec/2019
Together 30yrs
BD 20/10/2014
Left first 12/12/2014
10 come backs and leaves again for same ow
Last left 7.03.17.
Ow 16 yrs younger, no children never been married. co worker. EA turned to PA and lives with ow
Divorce bomb drop by him 31/8/17 by solicitor letter after being caught by ow at lunch with me 3 wk earlier. Finances Not yet finalised.
Crazy divorce started by him.
Clinging boomerang for 3 yrs now Vanisher but  twice a yr pops his head up. ow has balls in a vice!

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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#40: April 09, 2019, 10:29:49 AM
Snow:  I have completed 5 yrs and into the 6th.  I, too, still get the belly pains daily.  It is like a constant reminder that I still have healing to do.  I know your pain, but you must be enormously proud of yourself for.... 1) making it this far, 2) raising your children alone, including financially, and 3) having such empathetic and smart children that "they get it" and their loyalty is with you.  I am not sure I believe the who adage that "what goes around, comes around" but perhaps the karma bus is waiting for your H and the insensitive OW!
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H:56, I am 54
BD: March 2014, Left Sept 2014, Back Nov 2014
Left again in February 2015.  Asked for D on 9/22/15
Said he was "sure" he wanted a D in Dec 2015; 
Admitted long term affair - May 14, 2017 - says he is in love with the "symptom" but wants to build a relationship with me with "clear expectations" WHATEVER THAT MEANS!  Settlement Agreement signed 9/20/17.
Divorce final 3/14/18.
NC - by choice - 1/2018

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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#41: April 10, 2019, 07:51:37 PM
Thank you Treasur, Rising and Shining.....wow what a trio with those names :D

Treasur
Quote
I recently got a text from ow so I know that feeling of 'yuk' all too well.
Sorry you have to feel that.

I'm the first to always think of how irrelevant it is when I read posts, yet when it happens, it stings.  I realize that yes I'm only "done" and am detached and moved on, if there is nothing from that end, ie the past few years.  I forget how quickly I fall back into the sick stomach and endless worry about what if's.  I guess I start to feel weak vs them and I know better.

Quote
Honour the yuk feeling....treat it like black mould with a dose of bleach and sunshine
Love this! 

Rising
Quote
I do get child support but only because I went through child maintenance service.
How low is that.  I didn't even get that far.  Started legal proceedings and ran out of money.  He was served and so was fully aware and did nothing about it.  Where we are they get their faces put on the government website wall of shame and have their licence and passport taken away.  Imagine.

Quote
son is in the process of changing his surname to my maidename
Both kids wanted to change their names as it is their dads surname.  I think day to day life gets in the way for now.

Shining
Quote
have completed 5 yrs and into the 6th.  I, too, still get the belly pains daily.  It is like a constant reminder that I still have healing to do
Sorry to hear that and agreed, but so hard when there is no finality to it and not through your choosing.  To me it is like they get a thrill out of knowing we have never been given a reason or a final ending.  Control - and while we get it and know it isn't worth it, very easy to say via a keyboard.  For us in a way I want everything sorted so he can permanently go away.  He got what he wanted so go.  We are still in our home and I will not leave.  Until now I have let things be and rather not disturb the wasps nest if it means peace of mind around here especially for S.

As for the karma bus, who knows.  I don't wish them harm, but I do want them to never approach any of us again.  I would love to go to court and ask the judge to let us keep the house in lieu of his debts.  That would be a great cathartic and karmic gift.....from me to them :-* :-* :-*.....and as for OW, she can get lost, and so can he!

We are a tough bunch...hugs to all.....and I'm not really a hugger!
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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#42: April 17, 2019, 03:14:37 PM
So, a weird little interaction this week, well, weird for a vanisher.

If you remember, last month my son asked me to message his father (The Leaver) b/c his cell phone bill wasn't paid.  I really didn't want to b/c the last contact was The Leaver trying to call me (I think b/c he found out about the book) and I ignored the call.  I messaged anyways and was surprised b/c The Leaver immediately responded with a few "Oh crap, I forgot, I'll take care of it now, okay it's all set". I never responded and thought that would be it for another year or so.

While I was in France, I sent my son a few messages with no response.  When I got into town I found out his phone isn't working and has been that way for weeks (honestly it's been an ongoing thing for months).  Anyways, I hesitantly contacted The Leaver again, so sure I was going to get push back.

"Can you help J get a new phone?  It's been difficult to get in touch with him"

Response:
"No sh!t. I've been trying for almost two weeks. Yes I will get him straightened out. I'm struggling with getting together because our schedules are so opposite.  I'll shoot over there after work today.

Yes, it seems normal, right?  But you guys also have vanishers.  Normally it's no response or very short (or has been in the past). OR... he always made a point to say "we" instead of "I" such as, "we" will get him straightened out, "we" have been trying for almost two weeks, etc... 

I always ignored the pronouns but I always felt it was intentional to hurt me.  Maybe I'm digging but when you get used to certain words/treatment, a change becomes apparent. 

OKay, so the response was quick and not too terrible.  Still, my expectations are always low b/c, well, you know, he's a D-bag vanisher.

This morning (the day after contact so, I guess it's not too difficult to schedule after all) my son comes over my house with a new phone.   :o. The Leaver actually followed through and did what he said he would do.  This might be a first.  Plus... for some reason they had to change son's number so he lost all contacts.  HIs  father put in two numbers for him,.. his own and mine.  :o :o

Weird.

Now... back to crickets and my own peaceful life.  8)
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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#43: April 17, 2019, 03:43:14 PM
Good husband helped son getting a new mobile.

I think the "we" is part of the script for some MLCers. Mr J always used "I" while OW1 was around, but at point since OW2 he start using "we". I always ignored it. Since early 2016 he went back to "I", when he was still living with OW2. No idea why the changes.
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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#44: April 18, 2019, 02:19:00 PM
Nah, very weird but I may be able to trump the weirdness.

My vanisher offered to take my dog, the family dog, used to be my dad's dog, while I go on vacation next week. He lives with the ow cow!! If I were that homewrecker I'd be some pi$$ed lol. I politely declined because I don't think it is in the best interests of MY dog. So my vanisher is dropping the dog off at the kennel and picking him up for me the following weekend !!! Lol. This so weird. None of my friends or myself can figure it out BC I haven't been amicable at all.

What's everyone's take ?
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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#45: April 18, 2019, 02:47:44 PM
Is this out of the blue or have you had other contact?
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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#46: April 18, 2019, 05:09:21 PM
Tyks, I'm going to say it's a form of touch and go. Checking the anchor. Doing something good for you to keep you in that safe spot. Enjoy it.
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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#47: April 18, 2019, 05:15:34 PM
Tyks, I'm going to say it's a form of touch and go. Checking the anchor. Doing something good for you to keep you in that safe spot.

Agree with, Milly. Touch & go, seeing if you're still there and are still open to contact and help from him.
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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#48: April 18, 2019, 05:38:58 PM
I wonder if for both Nah and Tyks, if the guilt that (SURELY) lingers may propel the vanisher to do the occasional “nice” thing.  It could also be a “stunt man” second for anchor check.  I personally wouldn’t consider it a T&G, but that’s only a personal opinion....

I wish I could hear from my vanisher.  Not sure why... I think it would show me he at least has a soul...
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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#49: April 18, 2019, 06:49:07 PM
We only have contact re our kids and that is rare. I told him I was going on vacation and daughter could decide to stay with him or home alone and he agreed and then he asked me what I was doing with my dog (using the dogs pet name which my h always called him).

So I dunno. I don't think it is a touch and go BC he lives with the ow. I call it just very weird behaviour after 2.5 years.
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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#50: April 18, 2019, 08:02:13 PM
I'm thinking maybe he's just trying to butter you up so you'll send him an autographed copy of your book!   Lol!    ;D
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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#51: April 19, 2019, 09:31:27 AM
I'm thinking maybe he's just trying to butter you up so you'll send him an autographed copy of your book!   Lol!    ;D

Haha... maybe I should just send him one then.  ;D

Tykes, you might be getting a touch and go.  I had one of those about three years ago where suddenly he was friendly, sending me messages, agreeing to meet to discuss finances but the lunch meetings would last for a long time and we had many discussions. Then the phone call I often write about (when he admitted to feeling like he’s living someone else’s life) but he married a month later and boom, back to silence.

So mine fixed son’s phone after my nudge. It was nice, it was unusually easy, but I doubt I’ll hear from him again soon.

Tykes, I have a feeling you have a real touch and go on your horizon.
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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#52: April 19, 2019, 03:50:18 PM
Maybe. I've never had one so... Whatever. I'll take the help with the dog lol
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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#53: April 19, 2019, 05:56:51 PM
Hello yeah. Take the help.

You won’t be able to tell if it’s a touch and go until you look back.
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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#54: April 19, 2019, 07:58:55 PM
Last sighting in the final hearing in 2013 and nothing since and she lives with OM2 a 10 minute walk away.
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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#55: April 20, 2019, 06:48:06 AM
Wow Jack. 10 minutes away?

You haven’t even accidentally bumped into each other at a store? 

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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#56: May 10, 2019, 08:00:47 AM
Had my first F2F contact in 18 months and it didn’t go great, first contact of any kind in over 6 months.  My son got sick and I had to take him to the hospital.  He’s fine but was at home resting two days after when his mom showed up in town.  She had her sister pick him up and take him to her mom’s to visit him.  She did not ask or notify me where he was or that she had him.  I didn’t plan to make any kind of fuss about it since I figured it’s good that they get to see their mom.
My son came home Saturday and fell asleep.  I happened to be outside kinda late closing things up.  I saw a car pull up to the mail box.  Someone got out and opened the mailbox.  I had a break in couple weeks ago so I’m on high alert.  I called out and asked what they were doing.  Got no response.  I trotted up there and yelled aggressively, “what did you take out of my mail box?”.  It was her and she said I’m just giving our son his pills.  I then kinda laid into her about not communicating and getting into the mailbox without telling me what she was doing.  She was snapping back about her name on the house, which it is not on the house anymore.  I pointed that out.  It was a heated argument/me venting about her non-sense.  Lasted less than a couple minutes.  It ended when I said “you know what, I’m a good man, I’ve got a really good woman in my house right now” My girlfriend was staying over.  I wasn’t sure where I was going with that, it was mostly just emotions spewing out.  Her face just shifted to anger/disappointment and I could tell me having a woman there was very upsetting to her.  She sped away almost as soon as I said that.
Afterward I felt pretty bad about it.  I didn’t have any anger left toward her.  I honestly just felt really sorry for her.  I sensed that she was lost and sad.  What’s odd is that she told me to email her that her number was changed.  I have several emails for her, so I sent a message to all and the one that she responded back on was the original with my last name on it.  I figured for sure she would have gotten rid of that one after getting married.  The correspondence afterward was very cordial, and she asked that I send her pictures of the boys.  I did and she thanked me. I was flying out for work and she told me to have a safe flight.  I sensed a shift in her.
The other odd thing is that I had a dream Monday night that she was back in the house acting like the mom and I told her this wasn’t her house and she couldn’t just come in here anymore without permission.  My son got sick Tuesday and I took him to the hospital Wednesday.  The scenario played out so similar to my dream few days before.
She talked slow and seemed a little confused.  I just felt really sorry for her that’s all I felt was sympathy.  My last bits of anger seem to be gone.  She indicated our daughter is going to go to college up there.  So that means she’s pretty well stuck there for quite a bit longer.  Anyway, not sure now if I should continue communicating or just let it lie.  Also my sympathy has me thinking I should just forget about trying to get any money from her.  Her excuse before was her name on the house.  It was really more the principal of her not supporting the boys not really about the money.  I had decided to tell her not to worry about the money but I haven’t indicated that yet.
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M39, W38, D16, S14, S13 at BD. 20yr together married 18
Said I love you every night before bed good physical R
8/31/17 filed for D, left papers at house for me to find. Didn't come home or answer phone.
Moved to her parents house 2 doors down.
9/15/17 discover OM and PA she had the night of BD.
OM 12yr older unemployed in NY city met online leaving to marry him.  Said "I've done things for others my whole life time for me to do something for me", "I deserve to do what makes me happy!"
10/31/2017 left for good.
D final 12/21/2017
Returned once 3/28/18 to visit family.
Convinced D to leave and live with her 6/4/2018
Boys both live with me don't talk to mom.

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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#57: May 10, 2019, 08:06:31 AM
It really is up to you itv if you continue to communicate. If you feel that you can have a working parental partnership then I would go for it. It may be beneficial to the boys if she can continue to be cordial. Slightest sign if not then step back again.

With regards to the money, do what is in your best interests and not due to sympathy. Xx
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Me 55
H56
Divorced 3/dec/2019
Together 30yrs
BD 20/10/2014
Left first 12/12/2014
10 come backs and leaves again for same ow
Last left 7.03.17.
Ow 16 yrs younger, no children never been married. co worker. EA turned to PA and lives with ow
Divorce bomb drop by him 31/8/17 by solicitor letter after being caught by ow at lunch with me 3 wk earlier. Finances Not yet finalised.
Crazy divorce started by him.
Clinging boomerang for 3 yrs now Vanisher but  twice a yr pops his head up. ow has balls in a vice!

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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#58: May 10, 2019, 06:15:18 PM
I still lurk, crickets from here also, last time i had contact with him was 5 yrs ago when he ran off!, he still keeps in touch with my girls my son wants nothing to do with him, my daughter tells me him and wifey who I believe is 55 are still trying for a child through IVF, my daughter also tells me she collects rent from the mlcr! hahaha wtf!
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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#59: May 10, 2019, 10:16:42 PM
Hi all,
Don't post very often but still try to keep up with everyones story.

"In the valley", your mlc wife is "waking up" is my take on her behaviour. Some of the fog is lifting or what ever you want to call it. Everything is not well in schmoopyland. Her suddenly comming to town, comming to your house/mailbox "incident" etc. I think are signs to this. I base my thoughts only from all of the relationships "experts" you can find online, talking about "how a person behaves after long period of break up/divorce/no contact", "they" never come back full force with total regret and taking acountability for what they did. Everyone says "they" sneek up, tip one toe in the water, only send a "Hi" one the phone, or show up where they know you are etc. 

I'm so happy for you having a new woman in your life but that didn't sit well with your wife. She really thought you were "waiting" for her to come back. It would have been easier for her working her way back, in her mind if you didn't. So her anger/dissapointment is pure jealousy. Give her a little time and she will reach out again, fishing for how serious your R is with this woman. On the other hand, also based on everything I've read about narcissistic behavior is that "they" only can change if they loose the main supply, that can make them change their narc behaviour.

ChrissYAH, For me it's around 4,5 years since I saw or talked directly to XH. My xh is still pathologly lying about everything to everyone I hear from, doesn't look well. He has never reached out to me in person but my take is that he is baiting me to reach out to him, things written in mails to the lawyers and "strange" behaviour (requests, things said) towards me from youngest son 29 who has little contact with the mlc'r, the other son 30 has only seen his father once last summer 1 hr in the last 5 years and all his father did was lying, didn't remember, that did not happen, I've never said that etc. one hour of BS. No accountability what so ever. Someone else said they observe their xh as a research project, that is what I'm doing also. I'm totally NC (due to the domestic violence I suffer) and I will remain that until xh gets help/is safe to be around IF that ever happens.

Hugs
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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#60: May 14, 2019, 11:50:37 AM
Thanks for the reply RP and Pass.  Pass, I get that feeling too, but I don't want to feel disappointment or rejection any more from her.  I've had several reasons to contact her now that the channel has been opened back up but have not since I sent the pictures.  Part of me wants to just let her go completely, forget about the money and just live my life with no more interaction with her.  Now that I've gotten used to life without her, I'm not feeling like I even want her in it at all anymore.  I don't feel a physical attraction like I did before she left.  I simply see her as a liability and emotional drain.  The desire to have my family back together the way we were is the only thing that has me entertain the thought, but I don't see how we could ever really put the pieces back now that everything's been broken. 
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M39, W38, D16, S14, S13 at BD. 20yr together married 18
Said I love you every night before bed good physical R
8/31/17 filed for D, left papers at house for me to find. Didn't come home or answer phone.
Moved to her parents house 2 doors down.
9/15/17 discover OM and PA she had the night of BD.
OM 12yr older unemployed in NY city met online leaving to marry him.  Said "I've done things for others my whole life time for me to do something for me", "I deserve to do what makes me happy!"
10/31/2017 left for good.
D final 12/21/2017
Returned once 3/28/18 to visit family.
Convinced D to leave and live with her 6/4/2018
Boys both live with me don't talk to mom.

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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#61: May 14, 2019, 06:00:08 PM
Hi all,
Don't post very often but still try to keep up with everyones story.

"In the valley", your mlc wife is "waking up" is my take on her behaviour. Some of the fog is lifting or what ever you want to call it. Everything is not well in schmoopyland. Her suddenly comming to town, comming to your house/mailbox "incident" etc. I think are signs to this. I base my thoughts only from all of the relationships "experts" you can find online, talking about "how a person behaves after long period of break up/divorce/no contact", "they" never come back full force with total regret and taking acountability for what they did. Everyone says "they" sneek up, tip one toe in the water, only send a "Hi" one the phone, or show up where they know you are etc. 

I'm so happy for you having a new woman in your life but that didn't sit well with your wife. She really thought you were "waiting" for her to come back. It would have been easier for her working her way back, in her mind if you didn't. So her anger/dissapointment is pure jealousy. Give her a little time and she will reach out again, fishing for how serious your R is with this woman. On the other hand, also based on everything I've read about narcissistic behavior is that "they" only can change if they loose the main supply, that can make them change their narc behaviour.

ChrissYAH, For me it's around 4,5 years since I saw or talked directly to XH. My xh is still pathologly lying about everything to everyone I hear from, doesn't look well. He has never reached out to me in person but my take is that he is baiting me to reach out to him, things written in mails to the lawyers and "strange" behaviour (requests, things said) towards me from youngest son 29 who has little contact with the mlc'r, the other son 30 has only seen his father once last summer 1 hr in the last 5 years and all his father did was lying, didn't remember, that did not happen, I've never said that etc. one hour of BS. No accountability what so ever. Someone else said they observe their xh as a research project, that is what I'm doing also. I'm totally NC (due to the domestic violence I suffer) and I will remain that until xh gets help/is safe to be around IF that ever happens.

Hugs



Passi I have no intention of ever having any contact with x again way too much damage, omg yes his nephew who's a psychologist said the exact same thing about him 'he's like an experiment like observing a wild animal in a cage'
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« Last Edit: May 14, 2019, 06:01:11 PM by ChrissYAH »

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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#62: May 14, 2019, 10:22:21 PM
Hi,
Yes Chriss, my intention also. Someone who has done all what some of us has been through is not a safe person to have around but I'm still having trubble to get that into my head; HOW on earth can you justify all that you done to another person and look at yourself in the mirror every day? I would be in a mess, so sorry (heartbreaking sorry) I talked to a former addict (a real bad*ss former gangmember) and even he said now when he is "clean" from drugs etc. that he thought about all the bad things he had done every single day. Had tried to made amends to the people he had hurt (and he had done stuff you can't even wrap your head around)

Yes Valley,
This
 Now that I've gotten used to life without her, I'm not feeling like I even want her in it at all anymore.

and this
 The desire to have my family back together the way we were is the only thing that has me entertain the thought, but I don't see how we could ever really put the pieces back now that everything's been broken.

But having the "family" together, for me, can not come from the price of my "life". In this (crazy years) I have found my "value" as a human as a woman as a mother. I would cut these people off that would do this to other people, so why should I give XH/mlc'r a "free pass", maybe I'm too judgemental I don't know? Someone who steal/manipulate/lie/abuse etc. this is not people I want to have in my life. But it's not my job to fix another human.

Hugs


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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#63: May 14, 2019, 10:57:54 PM
Hi,
Yes Chriss, my intention also. Someone who has done all what some of us has been through is not a safe person to have around but I'm still having trubble to get that into my head; HOW on earth can you justify all that you done to another person and look at yourself in the mirror every day? I would be in a mess, so sorry (heartbreaking sorry) I talked to a former addict (a real bad*ss former gangmember) and even he said now when he is "clean" from drugs etc. that he thought about all the bad things he had done every single day. Had tried to made amends to the people he had hurt (and he had done stuff you can't even wrap your head around)


Passi yes totally agree you would either have to be evil or insane (which they are) my children and I nearly lost our home if it wasn't for my brother we would've been out in the st LITERALLY, my daughter told him this, his response I DON'T CARE.  Meanwhile he went ahead married the ow and had a wedding in a very exclusive area beachside!!! there is nothing he could ever do to 'make up' for the pain and suffering he's caused I wish him the best, as for me I don't think I could ever have anything to do with him again.
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« Last Edit: May 14, 2019, 11:01:49 PM by ChrissYAH »

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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#64: June 30, 2019, 05:45:51 AM
Hi all. Posting here rather than my thread.

Yesterday was the first time I saw my vanisher in over a year. Another family milestone where ow reaps the benefit rather than me. My d 16 got a bursary to go to an enrichment program near Quebec city for a whole month staying at a university. !! She is so amazing. Anyway xh is driving her there and of course ow is going rather than me. I know I sound like a whiner but seriously what the heck were all those years for if you can't reap the benefits as a family? We were packing his car yesterday and he says "man, we were hoping to take sl@t's car but I'm not sure we will have enough room". Really? Was it a dig or a slip of the tongue?

Anyway, boyfriend was here and they shook hands blah blah. Xh looks exactly the same, albeit a little heavier.

Why am I posting this ? I have no idea. I need to get it out I guess.  Three years later and I am still shaking me head.  Do we ever get over the devistation?
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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#65: June 30, 2019, 11:28:27 AM
I haven't seen ExH since a week before my birthday. Last time i heard from him was the night before my birthday when he "needed a place to stay". (early May)
Since then he has no contact with me. S heard from him only after S wished him a Happy Your a dad day.
ExH has a lot of anger still as I have witnessed through the proceedings after the divorce (the petitions he has been filing playing a victim, no doubt help from evil OW gramma).
I do wish for my family to be together. But will never accept the behavior or treatment from another human being in the nature that we have been dealing with over the years. I will always Love exh from a far and hope that some day he has the strength to escape the vice that holds him captive mentally and physically.
Maybe some day he will come around in his human form and not his alien form.
It's tough at times still, but the strength overpowers the weakness. I'm not sure what exH would do if he knew i was dating someone. (when that happens)
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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#66: June 30, 2019, 12:00:14 PM
Tyks - I hear you on that still shaking your head part about this stuff!  Yeah, life goes on and we continue forward but this bit of craziness seems to have its moments of raising the ugliness back up again.  I think part of it happens for those of us that have to continue some kind of connection with the MLCer.  In your case, your children are the connection. 

What a great accomplishment for your D!  You must be so proud of her.  I hope she has an amazing time.  I loved Quebec City.  Sorry that you weren't the one that gets to take her there.  I sure do get, though, why you had to vent here about it.  I get it, girl! 

For me, it's the connection that HIS family insists on keeping with me.  Yesterday was his stepgrandmother's 90th birthday party.  She's been in his life since he was 12 years old.  She is a wonderful lady and I see her often.  I knew I couldn't miss her celebration and I was pretty sure that MLCer and OWifey wouldn't be there.  I was at the party from start to finish as I had to play piano for a part in the program as well as helping with some of the party setup/cleanup.  They never darkened the doorway. 

I will forever be baffled as to what happens to these people in this crisis.   I also don't think all them come "out" of their crisis.  I think some just spend the rest of their lives right where they're at.   :-\
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BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#67: July 01, 2019, 06:36:58 PM
Thank you, Mrs S. And SB for your kind replies. I guess I posted here BC with vanishers we don't get much info and it is nice to hear other lbs of vanishers perspectives :)

I don't think we get to hear much about the ows with vanishers either. I have spent the last three years making things up about my xh and his ow about the happy family scenerio. See, my kids don't talk about it much BC they know it hurts me. Their way of protecting me, I thought.

My d20 told me today in confidence (please please don't tell anyone) lol. They actually do not like ow. They TOLERATE her in order to have a peaceful relationship with their dad!! Who knew? All the stories that I have conjured up in my head are just that. Stories ! My d20 said that ow has a self righteous attitude lol. Awesome!

She also told me about Christmas. Apparently in ow's culture they open gifts on Christmas Eve and my d16 piped up oh well, that's not right. What about Christmas morning and how special that is and you should open your gifts then. Ow told d16 that it is not about the gifts. It is about the special time with your family!!!! Apparently this appalled my d16 and later she told d20 how dare ow say that to us when ow broke up their special family time !!! Wow.

D20 said she doesn't understand how ow can even live with herself or be proud of what her and xh did and that if ow hadn't pursued xh so much then maybe dad's MLC would've ended by now.  Rotflmao.

Just goes to show you that much of what we think goes on really doesn't

We are the prize. Never forget it BC now I believe that it is absolutely true!.
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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#68: July 01, 2019, 08:34:44 PM
Well my x tells my daughter his 'wife' is 'fat and ugly' hahaa  :o if thats not telling I don't know what is.
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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#69: July 02, 2019, 03:33:00 AM
Tykes,... I’m so happy for you!!

When I read your June 30th post, all I could think is that no way that trip was what it seemed. I mean, when we were a strong family and we went on road trips, we often got on each other nerves. I can’t imagine spending significant time in a car with my father and his home-wrecking affair partner. But I understood how you felt.
I remembered exes 50th Birthday was just a few months after BD and both my kids were going to his party thrown by his affair partner. Ugh! How could they celebrate knowing my level of pain?  How could I be so easily erased?
It took years before I knew the truth. I am there, my ghost is always there. There is constant fighting, awkwardness, the kids show up but make excuses to get out of there, The Leaver went back to drinking after 20+ years sober, friends/family/ acquaintances, have not forgotten what they did. Some say something, some do not, but they are NOT getting away with anything. They are living in the Hell they created every single day.

I’m so glad your daughter whispered some truth into your ear. It’s a beautiful gift to know for sure that things are not what we conjured up in our heads.
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ow-31
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BD April 6 2013 day after family went out for sons birthday.
I packed his bags two days later...semi-vanisher
https://heneversaidaword.com

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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#70: August 14, 2019, 12:19:10 AM
Thought I would bump the clanishers of the vanishers thread  :)

Occurs to me that our perspective on vanishers is maybe influenced by if we have kids or other remaining loose links. If we do, as some have shared here, with time it does seem to become evident that a) their new happy is pretty awful and they are still a hot mess and b) they do seem to snoop a bit on the LBS even if we assume they give us not a moments thought.

For those of us without those links, it is is obviously harder to believe that is the same in our situation.

I have found that being NC worked bc I thought of my former h as dead and behaved accordingly. I do not snoop and have blocked all social media links to him and ow. I do not know where he lives or anything about his life. I check once a year on LinkedIn to see if he is alive. I broke NC after 9 months to send him a HB text for a special birthday in March and received a ' nastygram' from owife in reply lol. I had and have no intention of contacting him again. I have no idea how I would respond if he contacted me and I don't expect it to happen bc he has been a 99% vanisher for a long time now and he has remarried a bit of a textbook ow.

But I wonder if the hardcore vanishers think of us as dead as well tbh. Maybe that is how they live with vanishing just as I live with no contact and not knowing and no closure. Most - even my hardcore vanisher - do seem to pop up with the odd weird text or message so I guess they occasionally have a brain hiccup. But I honestly wonder if they think of us as dead. Just a thought.
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.


"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#71: August 14, 2019, 09:43:00 AM
Hmmm... well, if they think of us as dead, that would still mean they are thinking of us.

I sure hated our contact style in the early days. It was like ripping off a band-aide, in the same bed for 30 years to just gone. Mine didn’t cling or move in and out, he just left. He didn’t want to talk to me, he didn’t want to look at me, he didn’t want to think about me. I was evil for existing.

How does one put into words how much it hurt??

Now I see it as a gift.

Looking back, if he wanted to continue his abusive behavior towards me, I would have let him.
Let him?  I would have begged him for any scraps I would be “ lucky” to have shoved down my throat.  :P

Instead, I was released. Free to heal, whether I wanted to, or not.

Then once in a while, not often, just enough to know he’s alive, I get a message, a phone call, a bump in with a mutual friend, etc Just enough to know I should drop to my knees and thank the heavens that he vanished the way he did.

You guys are probably sick of hearing of the old stuff, I’ll still repeat it to newbies bc some of his word vomit was just so telling of how firetrucked up he is.... here’s some recent stuff...
 
Last message from a few months ago...
Didn’t mention the book directly (even though he tried calling me a day after it was on Amazon, coincidence??), but said he was “proud” of all my “accomplishments”  ::)
Asked when I was moving from Chicago to Durham (I could understand knowing about Chicago but I hadn’t said anything about Durham in social media).

He does this every time we interact. Knows where I’ve been, who I have seen, details about where I work (details you could only get from researching), it’s just weird. Funny how one time when he owed me money I asked about a house he sold and HE accused ME of stalking. This was after pages and pages of messages of the improvements I did on MY house after he left (pictures were on Zillow, he even mentioned that I should remove one with a cat in the background). I responded “What?!?” You just sent over a dozen messages about my house, how did you know all the details of what I did after you left, not all of it was in Zillow!  In true avoider fashion, he didn’t respond.

Whatever. Let him look. It makes living big all that more fun when you have a vanished ex eating his heart out.  8)

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« Last Edit: August 14, 2019, 09:45:07 AM by nah »
H-55
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married 1986
BD April 6 2013 day after family went out for sons birthday.
I packed his bags two days later...semi-vanisher
https://heneversaidaword.com

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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#72: August 14, 2019, 12:17:48 PM
Nah, I have to agree with a lot of what you said. When my H moved abroad and I barely heard from him I thought I was going to go insane. Now I actually see it as a gift because it has allowed me to let go and start healing.. I see a big difference in me between the time he was around to now that he isn't.

Treasur, I was actually thinking about that the other day. A very common thing we hear here is that the MLCer keeps tabs on the LBS. I don't see my H doing that at all because realistically he has no way of hearing anything. He lives in a different country, I don't interact with his family, even if SIL tells her H what I'm up to (even though she says she doesn't) I don't tell her certain things and my H doesn't really talk to his brother much. All of "our" common friends were really my friends so they don't talk to H. I don't put anything in social media.. As you, I don't have links like kids. I still have some practicalities to discuss but I never share anything about me when we exchange mails. So he really has no way of knowing what I'm doing and I don't think he's particularly concerned about that!
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H - 46 (40 @BD1)
M - 46 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose)
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H and OW are together, presume PA  - 3rd June 2019
H gets engaged with OW - Oct 2019
H "finally" asks for divorce - Aug 2020
H marries OW - March 2021.. We are not divorced!
Divorced - Dec 7th 2022

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#73: August 14, 2019, 02:05:11 PM
Yes, I guess the only way mine could have truly “vanished” is if he left the country. He’s too much of a coward for that, he just moved a few towns over.

30 years is a long time to erase.
We have two kids (even though my daughter doesn’t talk to me, my ghost is always there)
To visit my son, he has to go to the house I own, with all our former furniture and paintings I made on the wall.
I have literally over a hundred relatives still in the state.
Add hockey families, dance families, band people, motorcycle people, former coworkers (his and mine, we both worked for large companies) geez, we even share the same hairdresser  :o

I’m in a different state and sometimes I get people sending me direct messages, I’m sure he gets bombarded with people dying to gossip about what I’m doing.

Again, I just sit back and laugh.
He has nobody to blame but himself.

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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#74: August 14, 2019, 07:58:46 PM
I honestly don’t think mine is watching. At all.

But I went through my phone this week and deleted every contact that would cause any mutual people to show up as friend suggestions on Facebook and Instagram, etcetera.

I’m certainly not watching him.
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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#75: August 14, 2019, 09:02:24 PM
I honestly don’t think mine is watching. At all.

But I went through my phone this week and deleted every contact that would cause any mutual people to show up as friend suggestions on Facebook and Instagram, etcetera.

I’m certainly not watching him.

Nas, you did have some contact with yours this year, didn’t you?

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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#76: August 15, 2019, 05:13:54 PM
Hello all.
I find this thread more interesting than my own and I couldn't resist posting this. If the mods think it should be moved, pls feel free to do so.

This is my xh's horoscope for this full moon time.  :P

The focus is on your health and your mental health. You might have found yourself in the midst of a crisis lately, or perhaps you’re simply reflecting on life and your direction. Take a moment to heal and put the focus on your wellness. Sometimes, we need to take a break from life and live at a slower pace—and that’s fine.

It may be three years too late or right on time for that 3, 4 year mark. This month was busy three years ago. Our anniversary would've been August 17. A few days before he bought me a beautiful 20 year ring (there is a sweet back story but the rest of the events made that null). A few days after we went on a family vacation. August 26 2016 I got the speech ilybinilwy. He left. Lied about an ow. August 28th (his bday) he came home. That is when I went through his phone to figure out wtf was going on for a few weeks. Found comms between xh and ow. Promptly kicked him out.

I hate August... Maybe. I will learn to love it. Still too soon to tell even though I have accepted.

Keep posting clanishers!!
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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#77: August 15, 2019, 05:30:34 PM
I honestly don’t think mine is watching. At all.

But I went through my phone this week and deleted every contact that would cause any mutual people to show up as friend suggestions on Facebook and Instagram, etcetera.

I’m certainly not watching him.

Nas, you did have some contact with yours this year, didn’t you?

I did. I mentioned the latest July weirdness I think on a discussion thread in passing but I didn’t share it on my thread. But since this is a thread for the clanishers, I will post an update here, maybe tomorrow when I can better organize my thoughts.
Feeling super beat down the last few days. Maybe it’s the full moon 🌕  :-\

Love hearing from you, fellow clanishers.
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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#78: August 16, 2019, 04:56:58 AM
I wonder if there is a vanisher spectrum?
Or just situations where there are no links so no 'windows' to the vanishers life as it is?
Certainly I think boomerangs can become vanishers...do vanishers ever become boomerangs? Idk.

I have no evidence that my xh looks at all. If I had to guess, I'd think he almost can't afford to if his new happy is built on MLC sand and held together with the glue of avoidance lol. I suspect ow has probably tried given her track record. I shut down social media for a long time and blocked everything I could. Now I no longer want to let that influence me so much bc it came from fear so I am thinking carefully about how I use it again in both my personal and professional life.

I do think there are blessings with vanishers that we don't always see initially when the silence and pain of being ignored is so bewildering. Less rollercoaster, less explicit monster, less information about some of the horrors they get up to, less triggers to worry about their health or wellbeing even. Tbh once the practical links are unpicked, they often might as well be dead really. Often we have no idea if they are alive or dead, ill or well, or where or how they live. Which is a pretty odd experience after a long close marriage and hard to explain in RL.

But also less evidence of not normal, less confusion or doubt in their running, less things to watch to figure out what is going on maybe, less reassurance perhaps that it isn't us or that they are still a mess. It's normal for the brain to connect the dots when we don't know what's happening isn't it? And when we are traumatised and being treated with contempt by being ignored, our brain seems to fill the space with not such helpful or healthy stories about them, us and the reality of our past relationship.

It is very twisted but I think for quite a while I felt as if my then h did not value me enough to even do monster let alone explain or say goodbye ::)....that's an attachment wound of course, that negative attention is better than none....I do think even if we know it is irrational and even if it doesn't hit old FOO issues for us, it is hard not to feel less than....of course when irrational mad monster turned up for a while with the divorce process, it was exhausting and certainly didn't make me feel any better at all lol.

Time does do its work of course. I remember how awful it was in Dec 16 to go into hospital with no evidence that my then h gave a damn. With my next appointment it feels more 'normal' that this is so, that I am on my own and to plan accordingly and to feel no confusion about whether to inform him or not. Which is a blessing bc it was awful to feel the hole where my h used to be when I was ill. If I died, not that I'm planning to do so  ;), I'm not sure he would even find out and even less sure that it would matter to him at all. Although ow might throw a small party  ;)

I have no idea why some vanish more than others.
I do know that logically it is about them not us...but I have no idea what bit of their character or MLC persona causes it. Fear? Guilt? Anger? New happiness? Ow/om pressure? No idea.

But I think the wound of being discarded and in a way silenced about ones own life and reality is a very particular type of wound that takes quite a long time to heal.

And that, and I speak only for myself, it creates a sort of inherent tension; a need to believe in your own experience of what you thought was real and who that person was before, to in a sense speak for yourself...but that can also make detaching tricky maybe. Easier to detach from the MLC version and easier to step off the rollercoaster bc it happens out of sight. But maybe harder to detach from the person you knew before.  With hindsight, I think that makes the LBS task with a vanisher much more about chewing on your sense of what was until it feels right, or right enough for you to be at peace with,  and then pulling your sleeves up for some serious grief work. But maybe much less useful to stand or hope that the person you knew still exists behind any 'fog'. Maybe vanishers create a much sharper schism between the old them/life and the new one....and that makes reconnection seem less likely? And easier for us to see them as two quite separate personas? Idk. But I imagine if the gap between the two personas ever cracks for them, it would psychologically be quite difficult...which is maybe why vanishers seem to turn into Vanishers with time. And maybe why some pop up out of the blue occasionally and then disappear again very quickly.

I think I have found my biggest challenge - as someone with a vanisher from a marriage with no kids - is working out what the point and value of those almost 20 years was and is to me now given that the other half of that shared life decided to behave as if it and me were without any value at all. No idea what he feels, but as that is how he behaved, it makes sense to me to assume that it what he believes now. And I'm not always sure I know now what I think the purpose or value was for me given that...a tricky work in progress lol. Easy to see now what it isn't in the light of postBD events...not to clear to see what it is though. Anyone else found an answer to that?  ;)

Actually that makes me wonder too...and idk...if vanishers are more likely to remarry or more likely to move far away or more likely to not contact their kids or more likely to make other big changes in their jobs or how they live? A kind of 'in for a penny, in for a pound' with a side order of 'out of sight, out of mind'?
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« Last Edit: August 16, 2019, 05:29:41 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.


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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#79: August 16, 2019, 06:18:25 AM

I think I have found my biggest challenge - as someone with a vanisher from a marriage with no kids - is working out what the point and value of those almost 20 years was and is to me now given that the other half of that shared life decided to behave as if it and me were without any value at all. No idea what he feels, but as that is how he behaved, it makes sense to me to assume that it what he believes now. And I'm not always sure I know now what I think the purpose or value was for me given that...a tricky work in progress lol. Easy to see now what it isn't in the light of postBD events...not to clear to see what it is though. Anyone else found an answer to that?  ;)


Treasur - I don't have an answer but would sure love to have one if anybody else does!! 

Thanks for sharing your thoughts.  I feel as though many of your musings have crossed my mind on more than once occasion. 

I've not heard from or had contact with my MLCer since November of last year.   He lives 7 minutes from me!  I'm quite sure it's best for me that way. 
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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#80: August 16, 2019, 06:49:48 AM

I think I have found my biggest challenge - as someone with a vanisher from a marriage with no kids - is working out what the point and value of those almost 20 years was and is to me now given that the other half of that shared life decided to behave as if it and me were without any value at all. No idea what he feels, but as that is how he behaved, it makes sense to me to assume that it what he believes now. And I'm not always sure I know now what I think the purpose or value was for me given that...a tricky work in progress lol. Easy to see now what it isn't in the light of postBD events...not to clear to see what it is though. Anyone else found an answer to that?  ;)


Treasur - I don't have an answer but would sure love to have one if anybody else does!! 


I’m not sure if this is an answer but it’s how I have delt with the same exact feelings.

I guess I have a bit of an unique “vanisher”. I could text or call him this very minute, and he would answer. Not only would he answer, he would be friendly (wasn’t like that at all in the early days, but it is now). I could even ask the hard questions (do you have regrets, do you ever think of “us”, are you happy?, etc). That’s where it would get sticky though, good or bad, his words wouldn’t matter. What could he possibly say that would change the past, present or future?

So why do we need to know what value our 10, 20, 30 or more years meant to them?  Why? Some of us will use the word “closure” but the burden of “closure” is not up to them, it’s up to us. Maybe that’s not why we are wondering what we meant to them for “closure”, maybe we just want to know if it was all “real”.

What does “real” mean?  At 3 pm on August 2nd in 1986 we were married in a church (I have pictures, copies of the documents, witnesses, etc) so that’s a fact. We bought property, had children, went to events, shared the same bed.... again, I have evidence. Oh? That’s not what you meant as real?  Oh you mean, what it meant to them

Why does it matter?  I know what it meant to me. His thoughts can’t steal my memories. 

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« Last Edit: August 16, 2019, 06:52:04 AM by nah »
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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#81: August 16, 2019, 07:37:57 AM
I'd like to get to that spot, Nah, and sometimes I do.
But I don't stay there, so it's a work in progress.

Occurs to me too that this 'to be decided' bit is also why I can't do forgiveness yet. Not sure what I'm forgiving perhaps or sure that I have enough positive feelings towards ALL of who he is that I even want to.

It's hard to describe.
It isn't about doubting MY memories or reality or even MY experience of him. I did, but I don't now.
What I am not sure about at all is what the point of it all was as part of my life story, what the value was of it for me given what happened or how I use it in my next chapter. I'm not even sure that my not knowing is about HIS valuing it, or more likely not. It is more the fact that a lot of what I believed turned out to be quite wrong and the story turned out to be rather different...so it really is about how or if I value any part of those years now if that makes sense. Or what I gained from them held up against the cost which has recently been so high. It really isn't about his opinion at all. I think it is more about me putting a price ticket on it all.

Maybe it's just particular to me...who I am, or my age, or my other losses, or the kind of vanisher I had..or the kind of married life we had. Idk. Might be just a group of one here  :)

You're quite right that he can't take my memories and facts are facts.
But this experience has left me not so sure if those memories are of a good, bad or even a pointless thing bc I suppose his behaviour changed the context and the ending and maybe polluted some bits that I remember.
I'll work it out bc I need to. I understand that others might not feel the same kind of itch or think I am being too ruminate-ish about it. But it is how I feel.  My assumption, perhaps wrongly, is that if I had children or a house or something else concrete to look at that came from those years, I might feel differently. Or if I were younger and thought that I could use my lessons in another marriage.  But in my situation, it just was the reality that events removed or my h destroyed almost everything and everyone bar me and handsome Louis the cat  :)

I really was already so vulnerable and adrift when my xh kicked me in the metaphorical teeth and burned the house down figuratively speaking. I suspect that is why I couldn't save much and why sometimes it all seems rather pointless. There is a huge disconnect between how my life was...Big Weird Gap....how life is. My need to figure it out does feel like it is part of moving forward though to what life will be, so that's a good thing.

But I am not the kind of person who can live with a sense of nothing really mattering...of it all just being pointless random s$it some nice and some not...or not yet lol...when I did feel that way, it made me feel there was no point to anything including me and that's not a spot I want to revisit  ;)
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« Last Edit: August 16, 2019, 08:11:11 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.


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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#82: August 16, 2019, 09:39:14 AM
These are all such good points. I have to say I have struggled with the ‘what did it all mean / what was the point / was it real’ too. I mean I am pretty sure that my 12 years with XH was ‘real’ I am also pretty certain that whatever ‘happened’ (MLC) changed him as a person and that’s validated by friends and family - he changed so much yet I still struggle to look back on the 12 years with any fondness at all. I don’t treasure memories it’s like they were all ruined, trashed and mean nothing now. It’s like when I think back I KNOW we had good times, we were happy, that I was happy so in principle they are happy memories but they mean nothing now - those memories have been trashed. I can’t ever reminisce about that past life because it means nothing. I think the only thing that might ever change that is to learn he regrets it all one day, that he made a mistake, not as in returning to me to reconcile that ships long sailed but I mean just to admit it to me one day.

And I know it’s orobBky not healthy to rhinkbtjis way but I can’t help it and I’ve struggled to see it any other way....  :(

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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#83: August 16, 2019, 09:53:50 AM
I do understand what you are saying bc I did have those same feelings for a long time. I guess some of those feelings do still poke at me from time to time, tbh.

I guess, for me, I just try to do the best I can to focus on the good things (easier for me bc I’m more than six years in). Yes, sometimes it still doesn’t make sense, I can remarry, travel, excel at my career, write a book, etc but is losing my daughter worth all that?

So what was the purpose?

I’m not very religious but many will say their God has a reason. Maybe that’s true,.. idk.

Maybe we will understand in time. I guess for me, writing my book (and this forum)  has led me to helping others. Maybe that’s a factor to why I was drawn to my current husband. He is a sober alcoholic and puts much of his time into service to others. Maybe that’s the purpose of what we went through, T, helping others.
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« Last Edit: August 16, 2019, 10:02:16 AM by nah »
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BD April 6 2013 day after family went out for sons birthday.
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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#84: August 16, 2019, 10:46:05 AM
Treausur, I feel like you, and I have kids. I still can't find the worth in the 25 years married to my H. Like Sparkle, I can't look back over my marriage and feel anything positive about it all, because BD makes me doubt there was ever any true good bit to it.

I have the children but I could have had them with someone who would still be loving/wanting me now, who wouldn't have annihilated me, who would still be a family for my kids. Instead all the years of love and sacrifice, because no matter how good it is, marriage is sacrifice too, I have absolutely nothing left for it. I'm working harder than I've ever worked in my life, have no energy to GAL, plus as you mention, our age is a factor. To have been BD'd at 40 would have been equally painful, but there would be more time to have a new life beyond H. At least this is how I see it.

Just like you, I'm really struggling to see the point of my marriage. It's been a complete waste of the main part of my life. It feels like a rip off to be honest. And now I'm having to force myself to find purpose in life beyond being a mother figure who provides for her kids. And once they are independent? It's all such a crap shot. I envy the LBSs who have moved on. I can't seem to do it even if I really want to. You see you're not alone in your thinking.

And to go back to another question you asked about the vanisher. I think the vanisher vanishes so he doesn't have to think about what he did to us. It is out of sight of out mind, even though many of them decide to vanish down the road. It's like us, when we go NC, which is really hard to do, we do feel a teeny bit better. I bet the MLCer also feels better when he vanishes and can pretend we don't exist, and what they did didn't happen. Just like we imagine they are living it up with unicorns and things, they tell themselves that we have moved on and are perfectly happy, too. They can't face us since we make them feel absolutely awful just by still existing.
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OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#85: August 16, 2019, 11:08:58 AM
As a fellow clannisher, I don’t have the answers but I do ponder the  “why” of it all.   

Although my marriage is shorter than most on here, it’s no less valuable, sacred, and will remain a part of my life I consider a gift. Even his di-force can’t take that away.  The way he betrayed and abandoned me still haunts me and probably always will.

I do try to empathize with him.  I figure it’s one of these categories (from his POV):
1) marrying me was a big mistake
2) abandoning and di-forcing me was a big mistake
3) I never cross his mind since he successfully cut me out
4) I haunt his thoughts too

The odd numbers above are indicative of my esteem.
The even numbers above are too.
So I work at carefully picking up the pieces of my opinion of myself and try my best to love me when I feel unloved or unlikeable. When I’m alone and it’s quiet (no kids) I try to embrace the mundane and pull myself into the now and not the past, and not the future.  It’s a tough exercise!

The choice to frame this journey in a negative or positive light is mine to make.
I cycle through both and I recognize how deep the scars are still and nevertheless when it’s all said and done, I do believe there’s a reason for this journey even though I don’t know what that is.  I get the privilege (and I mean that with a capital P) to be the person with integrity, grace, and love (although I struggle with loving him still), I can and do ask God to help me with that...
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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#86: August 16, 2019, 12:15:07 PM
You guys are diamonds  :)
I can't tell you how encouraging it is to know that I am not the only one with these thoughts.

Sparkle - if it helps bc you are a little bit behind me, I felt like you did exactly until maybe a few months ago. And then strangely I pushed myself to clear out old photos. And the photos brought the moments back. I could feel them and I knew they were real at the time for me AND my h. It wasn't seeing the photos exactly, it was the memory they triggered. They sort of took me back bc PTSD had shut down a lot of my memory. And tbh I could also SEE the difference in his face and eyes, what he was vs what he became. Now I accept that most probably he no longer has those memories, but I do and they were real at the time to him too. If he ever is that man again with those memories, he will be as heartbroken and horrified as I have been....but I don't know if I believe that bit of the MLC story...or maybe just not about my xh. Time has a funny way of showing us the truth it seems. And now I find I get little flashes of memory out of the blue, quite small things, and they are a comfort now not a trigger. So my question 'was it real' has gone....my question of what the value of it was as a whole? As I said that is my new work in progress. So, give it time, my friend.

Nah - thank you for being so honest that even now you have the odd 'itch' bc you are such a fantastic example of sassy GAL, much more than I was, so it is easy to assume that you don't have those feelings. And yes, maybe there is a way to use this stuff for good, a different kind of purpose even if I can't see it yet. Maybe even this discussion is part of that for us and fir as yet unknown clanishers with vanishers in years to come?

Milly - I have had that ripped off feeling too. And the path not taken...would I have had a child with someone else? More money? Of course, we can't know can we? And we can't undo the past only make peace with it. What I will say though is that your kids were a co-creation....you might have had different kids with someond else but the uniqueness thbi each of your children only exists bc they were created from both of you. Which has to be worth something. Your h may no longer deserve that blessing or see it, but I am sure you do and your kids do and hopefully some day your grandchildren will. I suspect you are quite right though in what you say bout vanishing for them vs NC for us...maybe the vanishers who look are trying to reassure themselves that we are just fine? Or some still feel a tiny bit of connection or possessiveness? Idk.

CalLing - completely agree with your point that your evaluation of it is influenced by how you feel about you. And that there comes a point where it is easier to own that and choose what you think even if you can't know what he thought, thinks, or might come to think. Grief and PTSD really made a sad shell of a woman, far from the confident woman I had been before when - maybe arrogantly - I had simply never felt less than. Not in my life and not in my marriage. So bc I felt - and truthfully was - a rather broken feeble creature, I didn't feel like much of a fun prize lol. Bc I wasn't; I was a sad battered thing. But as the PTSD went and I felt like Me again, it became much easier to see myself as I had seen myself before and actually as my then h had always seen me. As a rare kind of woman he had always felt he was blessed to have. He may have changed his mind or dropped his stdards lol...but now that I am Me again, it is easier to try to evaluate what it all means for/to me without the cloudy lens if that makes sense. I suspect it is another combo of Time and Wound Healing


Bless you all though for 'getting' the point that I was trying to make and not sure that I did. That it is a slightly different question from whether it was 'real' before. That working out what the whole means to me for me is important and nothing at all to do with his opinion now. I don't know why it helps so much sometimes to know I am not the only one trying to pin down and resolve these things...but it really, really does. Thank you fellow clanishers  :)
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« Last Edit: August 16, 2019, 12:21:08 PM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.


"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#87: August 16, 2019, 12:34:46 PM
Now I accept that most probably he no longer has those memories, but I do and they were real at the time to him too.

Just chiming in here about the above quote (bold emphasis mine).
I have this thought all the time too, but I do recall that my IC way back in the beginning once told me that it's not possible to lose memories (except in cases of Alzheimer's or injury that causes decreased blood flow to a certain part of the brain, etc).
But supposing our former spouses are in MLC, they may successfully suppress old memories a majority of the time, but at least according to my IC, they don't have complete control over when memories creep back in (while awake or in dreams).  So my opinion is that they have all the memories and for a time (sometimes a very long time) they have an extraordinary ability to suppress them or avoid them.
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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#88: August 16, 2019, 12:48:11 PM
Nas, I agree with you. I believe that willingly or unwillingly, the MLCer has the ability to suppress those memories. I kind of suppress them too because they hurt or seem based on lies.

I wish there were some LBS commune where the ones who are alone could go live together. Wouldn't that be cosy? We'd have lots of company, allotments, and we wouldn't have to explain ourselves or GAL but would not be alone. I wish....
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Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D26, D23, S16
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#89: August 16, 2019, 01:00:48 PM
Nas, I agree with you. I believe that willingly or unwillingly, the MLCer has the ability to suppress those memories. I kind of suppress them too because they hurt or seem based on lies.

I wish there were some LBS commune where the ones who are alone could go live together. Wouldn't that be cosy? We'd have lots of company, allotments, and we wouldn't have to explain ourselves or GAL but would not be alone. I wish....

That sounds perfect to me! LOL

I turned blocked H from showing up in my Fakebook memories and recently purged every contact I possibly could from my phone that would result in any of his friends or colleagues from showing up in my friend/follow suggestions on all social media.

I don't look at photos.  I try my best to avoid places we used to go often.  I ignore meaningful dates.
Still, I've had H pop up in my dreams or had memories pop into my head out of nowhere, even at times when I'm doing something completely unrelated and surrounded by other people.
I've had random memories of people other than H that just randomly come into my head out of nowhere.


Memories don't answer to anyone or anything.  They show up whenever they please.
No matter where our vanishers are or what they're doing or how supposedly happy or miserable they are, one thing I'm certain of is that, just like with anyone, some certain song or time of year or scent or place has the potential to cause them to think about us at any random time.

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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#90: August 16, 2019, 01:04:53 PM
Good point, Nas.
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Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D26, D23, S16
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#91: August 16, 2019, 04:45:51 PM
I also subscribe to the club of what was the point of our 15 years together.. I feel cheated out of my happily ever after.. not the fairy tale type but the real lifetime together with the normal ups and downs. I see happily married people everywhere.. in work, friends, gym.. so I keep asking myself, why did I choose him? Why didn't I invest my best years in someone else? I got bomb droped at 40 and I guess I could eventually have a life with someone else but the innocence is gone, the getting old with the person I chose is gone. I resent having to start a new life at this stage.

I know the 15 years were real and the love was real, or as real as H knew how to love.. I can now see that his FOO issues were present throughout our marriage and time together.. and even if the memories are happy, what good are they to me now? Some days I wish I had never met him which I think it's a very sad way to end a 15 year long relationship but also the sad reality of today's state of affairs
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« Last Edit: August 16, 2019, 04:47:41 PM by One day at a time »
H - 46 (40 @BD1)
M - 46 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose)
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H and OW are together, presume PA  - 3rd June 2019
H gets engaged with OW - Oct 2019
H "finally" asks for divorce - Aug 2020
H marries OW - March 2021.. We are not divorced!
Divorced - Dec 7th 2022

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#92: August 16, 2019, 06:01:14 PM
I could have written much of what you said, One Day.
We have similar stories. Together almost 16 years, no kids, H moved 1100 miles away (might as well be another continent.) I have often thought the same as you, why did I choose him and waste my best years only to end up alone at a time when I’m most in need. Feels like a big ole waste.
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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#93: August 17, 2019, 12:47:42 AM
Nas - get your point about repressing or suppressing memories, maybe consciously maybe not. Certainly my experience post PTSD is that they DO come back and not always when you expect once your brain is working properly. Completely logical to assume that is no different for MLCers. What might be different I guess is how we respond when they appear....perhaps there is a time when as LBS we doubt them, or we don't want to feel distressed so we shut them down or do something to distract ourselves? With time though I am finding more pop up, there is a momentum to them and I am more comfortable with them. I wonder if the suppression eases when one doesn't have to squeeze them into a story? Either an LBS or an MLC one? Harder for the vanishing MLCer maybe bc they need the justifying story for longer perhaps or have more distractions or more guilt? Idk.

But, for instance, it is a sunny late summer morning here after a storm, smells like a hint of autumn and the light is softer...I can hear wood pigeons cooing...and I suddenly had a memory of a morning a few weeks before our wedding in 2003  (we were married in September)...a similar morning, walking through a park to get coffee and we were so excited...I can see us and it was lovely. Have not thought about that morning in years. But I also know now that I don't have to run from the memory. If my h was here I would probably say 'hey I was just thinking...do you remember...' and we would enjoy the memory together and the folks we were then. He isn't here but the memory is if that makes sense. I have sometimes felt really angry that my memories were disenfranchised somehow bc I could no longer share them with my h or my parents...but of course my vanishing xh can't share them either can he? How could one share these with ow/om given the way they behaved, given the standard kind of ow/om's lack of grace lol...so you would have to live your new life with an undercurrent of never being able to talk positively about your old one. Often years and years of your own life. I imagine that might be quite hard sometimes...that it might leave you with a kind of internal sense of dislocation which doesn't seem very healthy....but we LBS can if we want to, just not to the spouse who shared some of them.

It's so funny, and so useful, to see ones own thoughts expressed by others bc I find my reaction to YOUR thoughts is sometimes quite different to my reaction to MY having exactly the same thoughts as Nas, One Day and Milly say. About the point or value of if it was all a huge waste. I read your words and I want to say 'but of course it wasn't...that isn't how life works, that things only matter if they work out perfectly or if we all get an A+....that there were plenty of things that you did and had and enjoyed bc of being married to that particular person...not bc of them exactly...but bc of who you were with them...places you saw, things you did, feelings you felt'. So I challenge myself by challenging you I guess?

I remember somewhere reading someone who said that in this situation he had to do two things to recover...he had to beat all his unanswered questions to death until his brain got bored of it lol...and at the same time he had to chip away at all the bits of his current life where he was still paying a fallout price from his w's actions. That the second was harder, took longer and often needed not just actions but a real effort to change his lens. Bc for instance he DID see less of his kids, he WAS struggling financially...with time, he could work to rebuild his finances say but he had to pick out the positives from spending less time with his kids (in his case he decided that actually bc when he was with them he had to be more actively involved as a single dad that the quality of their time was much better than when he had just been s married dad rolling home from a long day at work etc). But while he felt conscious day to day of the COST of this in almost every bit of his life, it made him feel stuck in this loop of 'this wasn't worth what I got and surely not what I damn well ordered'  ::)

I honestly don't know what God's cunning plan was here, or which bit of it is supposed to be about me lol. But what if there was one? What if there was something different but better? (I know, I am rolling my eyes and making snorting noises too...grrr). I am given to intellectual arrogance ha ha...so it is so easy to say 'I know x or y'...but what if I'm wrong? After all, this experience has proved me wrong about a whole bunch of other things right? So I could be wrong about new things too. And so could you.

The one thing I remember thinking quite early on....although I didn't want to think it...was that God or the universe may have protected me by taking my vanishing h away. It didn't feel good, it wasn't what I wanted....but he was an unreachable destructive mess of a human then. Like a black hole.  No amount of love or logic could reach him and the cost of trying to was incredibly high when other events had already brought me to my knees. What if it would have been worse if he hadn't vanished and run off to his new life? They really are impossible to have a normal kind of relationship with aren't they?

So, my learning from your thoughts reflected back on mine....I refuse to feel guilty about needing to beat my own questions to death until I'm done lol. And I will excavate those 20 years to pull out the value for me regardless of what xh came to believe about them or me. And I will keep chipping away at the day to day costs that I am still carrying either practically or with my mindset, bc maybe that will change the cost/benefit ratio of the whole thing. Hope that makes sense. Hope that is useful to someone else in the clanisher family too.

On a weird side note, did/has anyone else found that suddenly they have started having dreams with their spouse in them again after years of not? I did initially, painful dreams normally...then not at all for ages. Recently, literally two nights in a row, I have had very vivid dreams of my xh but quite different flavoured dreams. I assume bc my subconscious is tackling different things. Might post about them on my own thread as a bit of journaling....
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« Last Edit: August 17, 2019, 01:26:18 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.


"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#94: August 17, 2019, 07:57:54 AM
Treasur, what you say about the MLCer being alone with their memories reminds me of an article I read the day I found out about OW. It was an article about why affair relationships don’t last and listed a bunch of numbered reasons. One of the reasons was that the person who leaves a marriage for an affair can’t talk about their past relationship with the affair partner, which leads them to feeling isolated sometimes and can lead to resentment as time goes on. I can’t imagine having 15, 20, 30 years of my life in my head and not being able to talk about it.

H and I met in 1999, two years after his father died. In 2003 we bought our home back in the area H grew up in. It was a whole new unfamiliar area to me, but to H it contained the memories of his entire life before me.

One of the first nights in the new place, we were laying in bed and H suddenly began to cry - sobbing in a way I had never seen him do before. When I asked him what was wrong, he said, “I miss my dad.”
At that point it had been six years since his father died, we had been together almost 4 years, and he had not talked about him very much. Apparently the memories had just struck him so intensely in that moment, he broke down in tears.

Imagine if he had been in that moment and not been able to talk about it to anyone?
I can imagine some of our vanishers having those moments as the years go by and memories creep in. And what do they do with those intense moments, however fleeting?
Can anyone imagine their MLCer sobbing and telling the OP it’s because they were struck by a memory of the spouse they abandoned? Can’t imagine any OP being sympathetic or supportive in a moment like that.

My H had a shared history with OW until they were 19. All the years between then and when they started the affair again at age 40 are pretty much unshareable.
Except that OW is surrounded by her former life still. Her exH lives in the same town, they have a shared relationship with their kids. She has her same job, same friends. She didn’t have to give up her memories. But H moved far away, left his job, left his life and, at least for a time, seemed to erase me completely.
So while OW can have a memory pop up and share it with her kids, her friends, or even her exH, when H has a memory of me and our life pop up, he can’t tell OW or his new friends he’s thinking about the wife he abandoned.
That’s got to feel extremely isolating.

*modifying to say the article wasn’t about why affair relationships don’t last. It was about why they don’t turn into healthy relationships.
We’ve all seen they do last, often for a very long time. But that doesn’t mean they’re healthy relationships.
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« Last Edit: August 17, 2019, 08:30:35 AM by Nas »
“The desire to be loved is the last illusion. Give it up and you will be free.” ~Margaret Atwood

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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#95: August 17, 2019, 12:58:24 PM
The words that everyone wrote here very much resonate with me as well.

In 2003 my xh and I had a bit of a split up. We have just returned from adopting our second daughter from China. It was stressful for me BC now I had xh and two kids to care for and he didn't do much of anything in those days.

We met awhile after the split up at my request to discuss our marriage. He told me that he was never going back to "that". Whatever that was I have no idea. 

Fast forward a few months and he lost the girl (who had a bf) he had been screwing, lost his job, no money to live, and he then found out I was seeing someone. All of a sudden he could not live without me and our family. I went through weeks of him crying on his hands and knees to take him back. Many tears were shed by me as well trying to figure out what to do.

I weighed the options. The guy I was seeing wasn't really "marriage" material and in the end I decided I wanted to be with xh BC he would complete our family. I was 35 at the time, looked great and felt great. But I chose to be with him again and to make our marriage work.

Why did I choose that? I wasted the best years of my life on someone who didn't deserve it as well. Then he leaves me when I'm 47 BC he found an ow that he wanted. Unreal!!! I really believe that if she had left him alone he would've come back. We were two peas in a pod... Or so I thought. I also know that the blame should rest with him but she is not blameless completely.
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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#96: August 17, 2019, 01:57:48 PM
I felt I have to respond to your post Tyks because I have seen something like this mentioned before

Before I start

Do I have a vanisher?

well in a lot of ways I do because absolutely my MLC'er would have been a vanisher if I hadn't sporadically, at times, reached out to him anyway that's my credentials

Now to get to the point of why I felt I have to respond
I absolutely get what has been said about the IF only or what if and the 'sliding doors' (referring to the film here) thoughts that are on the post, I was 34 when I met my MLC'er and although, as soon as we met, I felt that connection there was something in me that knew this was going to either be bliss or heartache, it felt destined that's for sure

We met, he came back for coffee and left 18 hours later and I knew my life had changed.
I remember phoning my best friend 2 days later early in the morning and crying saying I felt like I was on a rollercoaster (ironically) and it was either going to be the most wonderful journey leading to clear blue skies and sunshine OR it was going to take me into to shark invested waters!

As I have documented many times, my MLC;er had a serious coke issue, I didn't know about at the time or even for a while because, in those days I was very niaive about drugs and he hid it well (from a niaive person anyway).  We had many splits in the first few years and inbetween  time I was contacted by an ex boyfriend and actually someone I had known since I was 5 and we spoke at times but I knew my heart was with my MLC';er, as lovely (and good looking) as my ex was, he went on to be a millionaire btw!!

Because of the instability of my MLC;er in those first few years, we didn't try to start a family but we did have an unplanned  pregnancy a few years in which was an ectopic which I found out late into the pregnancy (it burst whilst I was having a scan when I was 10.5 weeks) and the rupture caused a lot of issues and led to a lot of gynae ops and that meant we didn't attempt IVF until I was in my early 40's and the attempts we had didnt work.

Why am I telling you this..............?

Because I will admit to a few fleeting moments of thinking what if this and that, like some of you,BUT that way lies the way of trauma and more misery

You cannot change the past and your choices you can only change your future

Now I cant speak for any of you I can only speak for my own experiences

And what I know is I had some beautiful, loving, wonderful times with my then H and I am very grateful to know that sort of love and respect

We can all fall into the trap of trying to rewrite history to demonise our spouse and EVERYTHING that we had in order to make what happened seem somewhat more palatable and somehow, in some perverse way make more sense but realistically does it?

Isnt it, in some ways doing what a MLC'er would do?

I know WE had some fabulous times and those times were very real and I know I wasn't duped or catfished or fooled I had a man who really loved me and he went into CRISIS.

I also own the decisions I made all those years ago, those decisions meant I am where I am now, they meant I ended up without children yes

BUT do I really know I would have had any NO
 maybe I would have made worse decisions, not ended up with my ex ( we split up ironically because I didn't want children at the time and he did!).
And I may have ended up having an ectopic with another person and divorced or something else

The point I am trying to make is YOU JUST DONT KNOW how your future would have been if you had taken another road but we can fall into the trap of thinking it would have been better because that's how our brain works BUT we do not know and more importantly
HOW DOES THAT SORT OF THINKING SERVE US?

Surely its better to put energy into something you can change, like your present and your future ?

And do MLC;ers remember stuff ABSOLUTEY

You have read Shocks sister she used the analogy of the damn, that damn not only represented the holes in her persona and what she was running from (which was her demons AND past life) BUT it also represented the memories she was trying to shut out, that's how everyone who is truly in crisis is.

They remember and over time they remember more but those memories lack the emotion that we feel except for fleeting moments....its when memories AND emotion connect is when the damn wall burst open
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« Last Edit: August 17, 2019, 02:07:23 PM by 1trouble »
"I can't go back to yesterday I was a different person then"..............Alice in Wonderland

you NEVER know how strong you are, until being strong is the ONLY choice you have"

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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#97: August 17, 2019, 03:48:23 PM
Wow, 1t. Thank you for that lovely post. Your posts always make me rethink things. Thank you for sharing that. I had 4 ectopic pregnancies. One cycle of IVF and getting ready to start the second IVF when they found my 4th ectopic pregnancy. Eight weeks. Didn't rupture but it sure was a rush to get it out that day.

They ruptured my bowel that time and I spent 10 days in a hospital an hour and a half away from home. We were not yet married. My xh drove back and forth everyday so that he go to work and he slept by my bedside in a chair every night !! That is when I decided to marry him. I fell more in love with him and thought, whoa, if he is like this now he will never abandon me!!!

It always makes me wonder about all of our histories. To go through all of that and then we went to China twice to adopt our girls, why would they want to end that book the way they did. Then I read your words and other people's words. BECAUSE THEY ARE IN CRISIS. Have to remember that.

Thank you again
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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#98: August 19, 2019, 02:43:37 PM
That post from 1t also made me really think - it’s the ‘you don’t know how your life would have turned out if you made different choices it may not have been any better’ this is so true. I think from my perspective my H and I really had something special, so many people saw that, I thought that to yet the actions of MLC trashed it all. What I once saw as a magic, lucky relationship feels like a wrong choice. But yet I absolutely see that I don’t know any other house would have been better? I’m with someone else now, yet there’s still pain, still hurt, still a sadness that resides and I don’t know if I will ever fully be able to love like I did before because its like a part of me is deadened from it all too.

I think what makes it harder that he has a child with OW now (obvs not planned) when we were in the early stages of IVF when BD happened. I think had I ended up with someone else might thy have been different? Yet still I then think ‘but it might not’

It will be 3 years since BD this coming weekend and I can feel myself wobbling and in some ways it feels harder than it has for a while, maybe because I hoped that relationship would have bitten the dust by now, it’s like the longer they go on, the more I feel like he made the right choice and that people believe in them... I probably should have journaled this on my own page (not that I do much any more)!

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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#99: August 19, 2019, 03:38:38 PM


It will be 3 years since BD this coming weekend and I can feel myself wobbling and in some ways it feels harder than it has for a while, maybe because I hoped that relationship would have bitten the dust by now, it’s like the longer they go on, the more I feel like he made the right choice and that people believe in them... I probably should have journaled this on my own page (not that I do much any more)!

This right here :(. We have the same bd pretty much, sparkles :(

No, I don't think we will ever fully love and trust again.
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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#100: August 20, 2019, 02:14:58 AM
I know Tyks, you were the first LBS story I found on here! And I know we shouldn’t focus on them or on the OW or that relationship but in the early days everyone tells us how it’s doomed from the start it won’t last etc and that kind of makes us feel better but I guess when time has passed and that relationship hasn’t ended etc then it kind of starts to undo some of that feeling better about it that we had - make sense? I think the longer it goes on the more I wonder we’ll what if it was the right thing for him and I doubt myself all over again!
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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#101: August 20, 2019, 02:41:11 AM
I agree with so much that 1t wrote.
That we don't know the path not taken, that we made choices based on what was real then.

It is a very sad thing to allow yourself to regret love and trust and happiness.
I have chewed on it like a hungry rabbit and reached the conclusion, just like 1t has, that what I thought was real was real. I did not imagine the kind of relationship we had. It is true that with a vanisher and bc of chronology, the sharp memory of it has faded and the post BD version has elbowed it out a bit. But if I close my eyes and let myself feel it, I know what it felt like.

And tbh rationally it wouldn't be so hard to lose if I hadn't valued what I had so much.
I don't like - but I accept - that some bit of me may always stay bewildered by the change in my h...and all the changes that fell out from that.

I don't think I feel the same certainty as 1t does about what is in an MLCers head. Or not in my former h's anyway. He really said so little. And did extraordinary unimaginable things. And I know nothing about him or his life now. So it seems wiser to me to accept that I don't know but that he is no longer the same person. And that he chose a life without me in it and vice versa.

The what was the point or value thing has been running around at the back of my head. And I am gradually concluding that the question has two bits to it. The value of our shared life, of thevrelationship with him, when I was in it. And the value looked at from where I am now which of course includes the last grim few years. The first is easier...I could make a long list without much effort even if I did it in the context of assuming that my xh now sees it and me as a lie or a waste. The second is harder, much harder. I guess bc the value is further away and the costs are closer? So the cost/benefit feels a bit different. I know I have learned things in the last couple of years but tbh I am not sure I know yet how to use most of that learning. And my life is ok, much better than it was, but not 'right' yet. All of those things make it harder to say, from here, well was it worth it? And what is my story of 'us' now? It will come i suspect...I just don't know what it is yet.

And the ow issue that sparkle and tyks both mention? Hmmm, intellectually I accept that there is plenty of anecdotal evidence to suggest it is not 'better'. But with a vanisher it is impossible to guess or know isn't it? What i am sure about is that he is very different from who he was, she is very different from me and therefore their relationship will be different from ours rather than a straightforward replacement. It is quite possible that it is 'better' for who he has become...neither of them are very honest or pleasant people tbh....so what matters more to me is the reality that my h stopped being able to be the kind of h I enjoyed and valued. That is/was heartbreaking. But if their marriage ended tomorrow or they live currently in misery? It would not magically restore the h I knew back to life would it? I don't believe ow broke or fixed him anymore than I could. So although the relationship played a part, maybe at times a significant part, in what happened as things unfolded...if it was not the cause, it will not be the solution and the ending of it wouldn't be the solution either if my xh remains as the person he is now. So I really do see it as pretty irrelevant to my experience of losing my h....although of course it is relevant to his life now and in the future. But not mine. Jmo.
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.


"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#102: August 20, 2019, 01:40:34 PM
Clanishers...

I just love these threads.

Zero in-fighting, everybody is respectful and kind to each other. We are on the 21st thread yet we still have interesting discussions even though our spouses are ghosts.

You guys rock!!
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H-55
me-53
ow-31
married 1986
BD April 6 2013 day after family went out for sons birthday.
I packed his bags two days later...semi-vanisher
https://heneversaidaword.com

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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#103: August 20, 2019, 02:40:29 PM
Reading silently, as Nah puts it.

Thank you all for sharing your experiences.
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Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D26, D23, S16
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#104: August 20, 2019, 02:55:06 PM
Ditto. I always live when I get a notification of a new post on this thread.

Twenty one threads about ghosts sounds like a Duran Duran album title.  ;)
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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#105: August 20, 2019, 03:45:18 PM
Ha I couldn’t agree more Nah! I always think it’s ‘safe’ to post here and sadly avoid other threads even if I would like to comment!

It’s so helpful having others share their viewpoints on things we are feeling or experiencing - Treasur I think your view on it is really balanced I wish I could get to that point too!

I do know that what I had with my H was real, I remember what it feels like and I never doubted it at the time I guess it’s more a case of regardless of it once being real, it wasn’t lasting and it wasn’t as solid as I believed. It’s a sad thing to know that our partners lost that love and I know that the ILYBINILWY speech is explained as part of the MLC script but that’s not to say that love will ever return. I think what LBSs of vanishers have is less insight as to whether that love is still there.

It’s just such a unique and odd experience being ‘ghosted’ by your own husband (or wife)!

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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#106: August 20, 2019, 03:55:11 PM
I guess I can't really call my H a true vanisher as he does reply to my mails when I send them but if we didn't have any more practicalities to talk about, I'd say he would completely disappear. That's why I find this thread interesting but maybe I shouldn't be here!!

Anyway, I reread what I wrote a few days ago and the comments after it and I probably sounded a lot worse than I really feel. I agree that there's no point in regretting the past or trying to rewrite history (MLCers cover that part!) The reason why I question things might have to do with my own story.. 

When H and I met, it was not love at first sight.. We met in work but didn't get together for a couple of years and to be honest, when he asked me out I thought about it for quite a while before accepting. The first couple of years things were a bit shaky. At some point I was ready to break it off because I felt we were too different and we wanted different things but he begged me not to, he asked me to give him a chance and I did.. Eventually we learnt how to live with our differences, our marriage was not perfect but I felt it was strong and I had no doubts I made the right choice. I know he loved me, I felt it and I'm sure about that because I also felt when that love vanished.

And then at BD a lot of what he said was what I had said to him a year or 2 into our relationship when I tried to end it.. I didn't remember much about it but after H moved out, I found a mail from my mum from that time and when I read it, it brought all of that back.. And yes, I got a bit mad with myself because I ignored my instincts back then.. But it doesn't matter at this stage, it's done and present and future is all I can control or influence.

The other thing that plays a part on how I feel is the fact that BD and everything that was said and done has also become part of the H/marriage memories.. I think it was Milly that said that BD tainted everything else, that's the way I feel too.. As a matter of fact, a lot of the good memories seem to be distant or like they belong to someone else.. Maybe that's my fault as I'm not particularly trying to remember those good days, maybe I'm afraid to feel all that again which is now lost.. My love, my hope and all the good memories are in a box somewhere and right now it feels rather pointless to get them out.. I don't have 1T's certainly that my H still loves me or that his life is a mess.. What I know seems rather crazy but maybe I'm simply seeing what I want to or what's easier to accept.

I also agree that there's no way of knowing if our lives would have been better without our spouses. But some days it's easy to think that any other life would have been better that the utter devastation we suffered.. Other days I'm able to shrug and accept. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

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« Last Edit: August 20, 2019, 03:58:30 PM by One day at a time »
H - 46 (40 @BD1)
M - 46 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose)
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H and OW are together, presume PA  - 3rd June 2019
H gets engaged with OW - Oct 2019
H "finally" asks for divorce - Aug 2020
H marries OW - March 2021.. We are not divorced!
Divorced - Dec 7th 2022

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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#107: August 21, 2019, 02:49:18 PM
I guess I can't really call my H a true vanisher as he does reply to my mails when I send them but if we didn't have any more practicalities to talk about, I'd say he would completely disappear. That's why I find this thread interesting but maybe I shouldn't be here!!

This has been questioned a few times on these threads but it's been awhile and unfortunately there are always newbies, vanisher newbies as well.

Yes, some of us on here have no doubt about it real true vanishers, but they are rare.  Why is it that no one questions what "type" of MLCer they have except for the vanishers?
If a wallower walks upstairs from his cave and grabs a beer from the fridge, is he no longer a wallower?
If a clinger goes away for the weekend, is he no longer a clinger?
If a boomerang usually bounces every few weeks, but disappears and then comes back in a month, is he no longer a boomerang?

Sometimes vanishers will contact.  Mine does. I can call him right now, this second, he will answer the phone. Tomorrow is my birthday, there is a 50% chance he will contact, sometimes he does, sometimes he does not, it doesn't change the fact that he falls into no other category than a vanisher.  In the past, sometimes, we have called them low-contact (I'm not sure who came up with that, it might have been me, but I don't remember...lol)

If you feel like your MLCer is on the vanishing side, for sure, we love to have you here.
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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#108: August 21, 2019, 03:40:52 PM

Why is it that no one questions what "type" of MLCer they have except for the vanishers?

Because the other types are obvious? Because no one with a clinger thinks they have a wallower and no one with a wallower thinks they have a clinger.

A wallower of a clinger are hard to miss. Even an On/Off, which is what many on this thread have.

If the wallower goes back to wallow in the basement, the MLCer is a wallower. If the wallower starts to spend all the time upstairs they are probably no longer a wallower. The clinger will return from the weekend and probably has contacte through the weekend.

Vanishing means disappear. Mr J did not really disappear. I know where he works at, have his e-mail and phone number. What I don't have is his current home address. If I want to know it I ask if to our former accountant that remained Mr J's accountant.

One Day, Like Nah said real vanishers are rare. Therefore, aside from the few of us with a real vanisher, the rest of us do not have real vanishers.


Often the LBS considers a MLCer that isn't a super clinger or a clinger a vanisher when there is something in between, On/Off. Most of us here have On/Off MLCers.
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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#109: August 21, 2019, 04:52:47 PM
Curious...

What constitutes a real vanisher as opposed to an ordinary vanisher? If you know what's going on in their life but have no contact what category would that fall into? 

Thanks for the clarification.
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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#110: August 21, 2019, 05:43:03 PM
Mine asked that I never contact him again. I´d call that a vanisher. He was going to go live with his mother in the midwest or live in a cabin in Idaho. Neither has happened- same job, now a few towns away. He does not maintain any links to his past life in this area. He has blanked out what may end up being 1/3 of his life. Maybe he´ll be like Jim- out where the buses don´t run until the very end.
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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#111: August 21, 2019, 06:23:05 PM
Well, I'm for sure not one with an on/off MLCer! 

No contact (in person, by email, by phone, by text.....nothing!) since early last November and that was done by me to give him the remaining guns he still had on my property after almost three years.   

Do I know where he lives?  Yes, so I guess it's not like he has vanished.    But no way am I going to label him an on/off MLCer.  There is no on!  None.  Zip.  Nothing.

I just use the term semi-vanisher.  It works for me.   
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« Last Edit: August 21, 2019, 06:42:55 PM by stillbaffled »
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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#112: August 21, 2019, 06:37:09 PM
My memory is some of the terms describe the level of contact (from/by them) on a spectrum and others are the type like a wallower?

Do we use the term vanisher just as being about how often/if they make contact?
Or does it also include some characteristics of the type of MLCer they are in other ways?
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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#113: August 21, 2019, 07:43:14 PM
It’s back a few threads (and I could dig if we really care to know) but even RCR said you can have small contact a few times a year and they still would be in the vanisher category.

A couple of messages once in a while does not constitute an on-off MLCer.

Like I wrote earlier, clingers, Wallowers, boomerangs, etc.,,  also don’t have EXACT contact time frames, so why should vanishers?  Yes, some are completely gone, zero contact for a decade or more, that still doesn’t mean that bc some might answer the phone that they aren’t a vanisher.

Yes, I know he’s alive but he still vanished from my life. He’s “off” 100% of the time. No “on”, once in a while, he never hesitated. He’s a vanisher.

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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#114: August 22, 2019, 01:15:51 AM
Treasur you called it - like most things there’s a spectrum.

I have a vanisher way down the vanisher spectrum, Almost no contact since BD 3 years ago, only a few texts and 2 F2F in the first year but only related to picking things up (he literally left without all his stuff originally) or Divorce. In the last 2 years the only contact was via a solicitor for the divorce and that was a year and a half ago.

I know roughly the area he lives but that’s only through 3rd parties. He hasn’t abandoned his whole life he is still in contact with friends though he has new ones now it’s just me and our life he completely cut off from. I don’t keep in contact with all but one of any ‘mutual’ friends so rarely hear anything.

The one caveat to all that is - he still follows me on twitter which is the only social media platform he really uses as he came off Facebook at BD. I haven’t blocked him on Twitter yet - I didn’t even realise he was still following me until a few months ago, I don’t use it all that much. He must know he still follows me and will definitely see anything I post, I do occasionally and have made sure I’ve posted a few pics of me and my BF. 

So mostly a vanisher but take from that what you will.

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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#115: August 22, 2019, 01:23:25 AM
Nah just read your post and absolutely - I think it’s fairly obvious that Wallowers, clingers, boomerangs etc exhibit relatively clear behaviours regardless of frequency. Vanishers well, vanish. I think they either immediately or after a short time just go and don’t look back. If they respond to a message that doesn’t make them any less a vanisher. Any contact from them is likely from a practical angle rather than an emotional one. I think once they have decided they get on with it. Skilful compartmentalisers and probably at being emotionally detached too.

What we don’t know (or I don’t) is whether as time goes on, if they come out of MLC, that changes. Do they stay committed to their cause forever or do they ever change? Given I think vanishers have certain characteristics I mentioned above do these steer the future post MLC?
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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#116: August 22, 2019, 01:37:32 AM
I think it's as some of you have said, a Vanisher is a type, and there is a spectrum. It's not about the lack of contact or the odd contact, it's where their mind is at.

My feelings about my H when he vanishes, is that he is very cold with me and the kids. My H is less of a vanisher because of my S and there have been times (when OW is not around usually) that my H seemed a little warmer. But once he vanishes again, he's like stone.
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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#117: August 22, 2019, 02:20:30 AM
I couldnt call my XW a Vanisher as we have some Kind of contact every couple of months. It is totally Business only though, if we didnt have Kids or doggie then she would be a vanisher for sure. She doesnt look back, once her mind is set she is done!
Id rather it this way than having to deal with a live in or boomerang though  ;)
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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#118: August 22, 2019, 02:32:50 AM
Like Nah, I have no problem describing mine as a vanisher. I have had even less contact than she has lol. Not just Never.Said.A.Word, more just Never. in my case  ::)

And as a Milly said I do think it is about more than just how/if they contact you. My h started out as probably a wallowing boomerang...very depressed, isolating himself but also still one foot in our m I think. Certainly then he saw 'this' - whatever this was - as a temporary thing, something to get better from, and wanted me to not give up on him. He cycled from silence to popping up for s few days/weeks wanting to talk...but only about himself of course and he didn't make much sense.

And then there was a point when out of the blue he went from regular reconnecting actions for about 2 months to  a 180 and announced by text that divorce was the only option in May 16, the real BD I suppose. And then he became a vanisher with a capital V...woukdn't reply to any communication really often for weeks if not months, just ignored me, his friends and even his own L for a while in early 2017.  My best sense with hindsight is that he decided - and I think he said so - that he was a different person now so that was that. He never looked back really and felt no need apparently to explain, apologise or say goodbye. Or deal with any of the mess or obligations he left behind. He did have the odd pop up, maybe three of four, between late 2017 and early 2018...just random mr sadz emails or needing to talk about divorce related things which he tried to stretch into other kinds of talk. But tbh he still didn't make much sense, never followed through on anything he said he wanted to do differently and lied so much about so much it was simply surreal. So I shut it down when it was evidently futile and wasn't helping me at all. Again looking back, I think there were a couple of moments when he wavered...wanting to 'chat' after months of ignoring me in mid 2017, wanting to meet post watchgate and to talk about his 'shock' that ow had stolen from him and lied for a year. It felt like some small bit of him had a reaching out hiccup...but it never lasted long and there was not enough substance and too many lies. It kind of felt as if there was no 'there' there if that makes sense and by mid 2017 I knew facts I had not known before (which he was still lying about lol) and was priotising my sanity over his, so it was a no from me.  :)

What do I think the characteristics of vanishers are? I think - and of course it is still a spectrum - that they erase and leave behind as much of their old lives as they can. Friends, family, hobbies, church, possessions, even kids. I think they often do a significant 'geographical' move. I think they rarely show signs of doubt other than the odd bit of mr sadz. I think they show zero interest in you or any bit of the old life, even a polite minimal kind of interest. I think they pretty much stonewall you and behave as if you don't exist and even never existed perhaps.  I think they invest almost entirely in a new life completely centred around the life of ow/om...new place, new 'family', new interests, new friends...and they ignore or avoid people who reach out from their old life. I think they press the ctrl-alt-del button on their old life/self. I think 'out of sight, out of mind' is their new motto. I have no idea how it feels to do that and I know that some vanishers seem to pop up and try to 'look' at us, but it never seems to be more than a quick look. From what I can see, maybe the core difference is that vanishers want nothing from us - not cake, not reassurance, not a single Paving stone lol - they want us to go away and not irritate them by existing from what I can see.

I have no idea if vanishers are more or less likely to recover from their crisis. I suspect though that two things influence the chances of reconnection. I think vanishers pretty much leave no bridge unburned so it would require real effort to make a new one if they wanted to reconnect. And I think the LBS is forced to live as if they are not coming back bc there is no sign of them, they really might as well be dead, and we move forward based on that. Maybe bc we see less signs of crazy, we decide that they never really loved us, that it was an exit affair not a crisis, that the person we knew couldn't have been who we thought? Idk. I think LBS with vanishers grieve hard but maybe have less hope of reconnection after a long period of invisibility?

And the vanishing behaviour sends such a clear signal of 'you mean absolutely nothing to me' that I suspect to heal most LBS need to invest big time in things and people where they feel they are valued...so new relationships and a new lifestyle form.

I have read too of a few anecdotes - yellowroseoftexas is a recent one - where even after years of NC, they pop up with an email out of the blue, sometimes even a kind of apology or use some kind of life event to sidle towards the LBS and LB kids. But idk...my sense is that this is not common and if it happens it is like 5/7+ years later. And often when their new 'happy' hasn't worked out so well. Maybe it is just nostalgia? Idk. Maybe more of them are like Jim of Mexico that Airmid posted about recently on the Old Timers thread. They vanish so much and for so long that it seems - or is - impossible for them to return.

I appreciate this might be different if you have kids or other links, but tbh there are plenty of stories here of vanishers pretty much disappearing from their kids or other family members  lives too for months on end, even years. Maybe the odd pop up mr sadz or mr rage text....but no follow through. Sometimes, after a while, that can change...again I guess it is a spectrum thing.

I think this is all different from if or how much the LBS knows about where they are or how to contact them or what they are doing. I have a phone number for my xh bc he didn't change it. If he updates his LinkedIn I suppose I can see if he is alive or still working for the same company. But I know nothing more really. I don't know where he lives.mI only know he got married bc ow was 'kind' enough to send me an anonymous note lol. As of today, tbh my xh could be dead or an inpatient or separated or living in another country, and I wouldn't know. In my case I don't post much on social media but I see no sign that he looks, although I suspect ow did.
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« Last Edit: August 22, 2019, 03:04:58 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.


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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#119: August 22, 2019, 03:31:56 AM
The only time I have contact with my xh is if I inititiate it which I don't unless it is something to do with our d17. In the early days I would contact him and he would reply asap, be it email, phone or text. I asked him about that one time and he said "BC it could be important". Now he answers when he feels like it. I probably could've had a chance in the earliest days to reconcile if I wanted to fight. But tbh I was so upset about the ow that I was seeing stars and I really didn't wanna fight for him.

I know where they live (only BC of my d20) xh has never told me that he moved in with ow or the address. I know his email BC he still works at the place he used to and I know his phone number BC it has been the same for years.

My xh is an out of sight out of mind. He is done. Has been done for a long time. He has told me even though his life is not perfect it is what it is and he will carry on everyday with what he chose.

The only person he has vanished from is MY life. Everything else is the same. According to my d20 he acts the same way. Life is the same except for a different woman.  That is why it is hard to not think that there is something wrong with me lol. Apparently ow is a self righteous control freak bi$ch but he still stays lol. I will never understand.
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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#120: August 22, 2019, 03:55:24 AM
Treasur- there was plenty of crazy to see before he vanished. If I had seen an inkling of that much crazy while dating, we would never have married. I liken it to shaking a Cracker Jacks box and the toy moving around making strange sounds- something in his brain broke loose. It would be interesting to see a brain MRI just to understand WTF happened.
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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#121: August 22, 2019, 04:18:41 AM
The only time I have contact with my xh is if I inititiate it which I don't unless it is something to do with our d17. In the early days I would contact him and he would reply asap, be it email, phone or text. I asked him about that one time and he said "BC it could be important". Now he answers when he feels like it. I probably could've had a chance in the earliest days to reconcile if I wanted to fight. But tbh I was so upset about the ow that I was seeing stars and I really didn't wanna fight for him.

I know where they live (only BC of my d20) xh has never told me that he moved in with ow or the address. I know his email BC he still works at the place he used to and I know his phone number BC it has been the same for years.

My xh is an out of sight out of mind. He is done. Has been done for a long time. He has told me even though his life is not perfect it is what it is and he will carry on everyday with what he chose.

The only person he has vanished from is MY life. Everything else is the same. According to my d20 he acts the same way. Life is the same except for a different woman.  That is why it is hard to not think that there is something wrong with me lol. Apparently ow is a self righteous control freak bi$ch but he still stays lol. I will never understand.

And this is why I think facts are so important in recovering from the impact of a vanisher, Tyks.
Idk if your xh had an MLC...hell, I don't even know if mine did. :) he may be done now. You may be done now. But I think if you read through your own old posts you will see an xh who had no sense of self, disconnected, didn't know what he wanted, didn't want to do the work to be an adult with a successful wife and two teenage daughters so settled down for what he could 'get' instead with a textbook affair down. All textbook script stuff.  It was all about him, Tyks...the MC said so, your IC said so, even your xh sometimes said so. They shut down and run...and ow gets the broken pieces. It was never about you, all about his broken unfinished man-child bits.

And ftt...even with a vanisher, we can see that. They just stop behaving like a sane decent adult and usually they were one before. Imho it is important for our clanisher sanity to acknowledge the facts and the bonkers that we did see before they ran. :)
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« Last Edit: August 22, 2019, 04:21:29 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.


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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#122: August 22, 2019, 05:32:16 AM
Wow, treasure, I am shocked. You have obviously read my threads. Thank you. You are probably spot on. I haven't felt strong enough yet in the last three years to go back and read them. 
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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#123: August 22, 2019, 05:45:30 AM
Only took a quick skim, tyks...don't worry, I've not read mine either lol.
But they gaslight us and rewrite history and we are so shocked that it is easy to not see the wood for the trees at the time. But all the more reason to focus on the tangible real factual stuff as we heal imho.

Fwiw, reading your thread, I think your then h would have stayed in indecisive limbo for a long time if you had let that happen. The fact that he monstered when you refused to stay in limbo is evidence of that imho. I know a bit of you sometimes thinks that maybe you shouldn't have gone for the SA etc but based on everything we know about how these folks operate, I think it was a brave wise self-respecting choice that protected your finances and sanity. You see very few LBS who regret doing that when they look back and quite a few who got screwed over bc they didn't. Something breaks in these people and it trumps both marriage and divorce apparently. Idk if you ever consider if you would want to reconnect with your xh if he changed his behaviour...but I am pretty sure that safeguarding you and your girls legally did not worsen his crisis path one jot and you did all you could with what you had.
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« Last Edit: August 22, 2019, 05:47:45 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.


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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#124: September 09, 2019, 02:05:18 AM
Belatedly occurred to me that one of the things that makes recovery so hard is that we are deprived of the information and any validation that our spouse might contribute in any kind of healing. A lot of the recovery stuff available assumes some kind of input, albeit imperfect, from an unfaithful spouse. We don't get that.
So it is beguilingly easy to rewrite our own history or feel as if we were not seen as worthy of even a conversation, even a failed attempt to acknowledge our distress.

The perennial question I guess is why Vanishers vanish?

It seems to me with distance on it now that it logically boils down to one of two simple reasons.
They do not want to heal enough to even look at the effects of their actions or how it would make them feel.
Or
They continue to believe whatever story they told themselves that enabled them to justify what they did.

And two things are true about those simple truths.
They are still broken and unhealthy and will never heal unless they do.
Neither reason - their fear or shame, or their justifying story - is about us.

So for those of us with vanishers, there is simply nothing healthy enough to interact with until or unless that changes. And nothing we can do to influence it. And no one can build a healthy relationship of any kind with a broken unhealthy person...so let ow/om pick up that fruitless job  :)

Some do have vanishers who reappear in some way down the line and find themselves wondering if they have anything to work with now. Seems to me that the simplest way to know is if they are willing to look at the story differently or ready to look at the real effects on others of what they did. If not? Nothing to work with. Jmo.

But gosh it makes our recovery harder and longer...so well done to us for every moment we keep doing it.
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« Last Edit: September 09, 2019, 02:06:21 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.


"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#125: September 09, 2019, 02:46:33 AM
Treasur, I agree with your post. I don't have a total vanisher because of my S, he vanishes for a while then reappears and we get glimpses of where he's at. But if we didn't get those glimpses, we would presume all the worst thoughts: that he never cared, doesn't think of me at all, moved on to a happy perfect life, his life is perfect now and he never looks back with regret or longing. These thoughts can make us feel as if we were meaningless during the whole relationship. Getting glimpses of the MLCer, at least for me, confirms that he is sick, and that he does occasionally remember me. That helps a lot.

Although it might be true that complete NC will make it faster to get over someone, it's also very traumatic, like losing a partner to a sudden death instead of one you have time to adjust to.

My feeling about the MLCer who vanishes completely, it's as if they want to bury their whole previous life in the sand. It's too big a problem to face. However, like any problem avoided, it tends to escalate and you never really stop thinking about it. Like a debt you're not paying but know will catch up with you. You can avoid thinking about it while you're busy during the day, but it catches up with you at night. I think for many it will be like this, because they are still human, only they are very immature.
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Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D26, D23, S16
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#126: September 09, 2019, 06:39:09 AM
I've watched a couple of videos by Affair Recovery. I think Little Wing posted one and they are pretty good, had not seen them before. Most are presented by an unfaithful spouse called Samuel and they seem pretty accurate and honest to me about what it is like on either side of infidelity. What's interesting though is that he is very clear about how the unfaithful spouse suffers and remains broken if they run away from the reality and hard work required to heal. Whether the m survives or not.

It strikes me that attachment to a vanisher goes in stages in our LBS head. Maybe at first we just want to know WTF is going on, some information or some idea of a frigging plan. Usually get crickets or lies.  Then we want them to say SOMETHING...to explain how or why they could inflict this kind of devastation and pain on people who loved them. Crickets. Then I think the last conversations in our heads, the last bit of attachment, is about wanting to be heard or acknowledged in some way. Usually very big crickets at this point right?

But truthfully, emotionally, the 'need' to hear or say anything to these vanishers - particularly after they are long gone - does keep a residual mental link doesn't it? It is a kind of attachment even if only a virtual one.

In my case, I don't have these mental conversations very often now but they do happen occasionally. Now they are always about a desire to be heard in some way, to be able to Say something simple like 'this wasn't ok, that creating this kind of pain and devastation without any sign of remorse is not healthy or ok'. But I never do anything of course bc I know it is futile. If my xh ever wants to heal more than he wants to hurt he will have to get real and do the work on his own. And I know from my own experience that it is harder to do solo. It's remarkably stupid really that these vanishers do nothing at all to try to foster some kind of healing, even from self-interest. The information is out there and it is pretty consistent.

But he doesn't care what i think lol. So I'm not there yet entirely after 3+ years...but I am there in terms of doing nothing about it  :)

How long was it for you before you reached a point (if you have) when you honestly need nothing to be said or heard by your vanisher at all? Even if only in your own head lol.
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« Last Edit: September 09, 2019, 06:44:58 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.


"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#127: September 09, 2019, 07:30:29 AM
Treasur, I have those conversations in my head, often in the middle of the night. My h pops his head up to see his kids now and again and sometimes will text general stuff but as soon as we get to the nitty gritty, crickets. If I ask re times to see kids, I get crickets. I think it’s his form of control! I will ignore my wife as much as possible to inflict as much damage as I can but every now and again I will ask for cake or how diy is. We are currently in our longest period of back in touch with kids but my kids are actually embarrassed to go out with him. S16 who having  aspergers states his dad has no filter in rudeness etc. This off an autistic kid with very little filter. H is apparently very aggressive to people every where.
I can’t get pick up or drop off times from him or even if he is feeding them. I have to wait until they are home to see if need food. If kids ask, h says he doesn’t know.

I am currently not flavour of the month as I said h cud not take son on his motorbike to college with a broken hand. Tantrum time. Xx
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« Last Edit: September 09, 2019, 07:33:31 AM by Rising Phoenix »
Me 55
H56
Divorced 3/dec/2019
Together 30yrs
BD 20/10/2014
Left first 12/12/2014
10 come backs and leaves again for same ow
Last left 7.03.17.
Ow 16 yrs younger, no children never been married. co worker. EA turned to PA and lives with ow
Divorce bomb drop by him 31/8/17 by solicitor letter after being caught by ow at lunch with me 3 wk earlier. Finances Not yet finalised.
Crazy divorce started by him.
Clinging boomerang for 3 yrs now Vanisher but  twice a yr pops his head up. ow has balls in a vice!

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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#128: September 09, 2019, 11:53:42 AM
Treasur I listened to some of those videos last weekend as well, they were very good. They really helped me understand why I'm finding it so difficult to heal.. We need the answers but we don't get them. My H always denied the importance of OW and yet, now they are planning to get married? I don't have conversations with him in my head but I have thoughts going through my mind on a regular basis. Right now he seems to be having a great life, absolutely no consequences or at least that's what I think because we don't interact. And that makes me think that maybe he was truly unhappy and he wanted to move on... But why lie, why cowardly sneak behind my back to go and see OW? And my head goes around and around in circles! Was he always a POS and I didn't realize? The lack of information is mind blowing, I have a very creative brain when it comes down to thinking about ALL the different possibilities!! Does it help me? Nope! Can I stop? Nope!  ::)
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H - 46 (40 @BD1)
M - 46 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose)
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H and OW are together, presume PA  - 3rd June 2019
H gets engaged with OW - Oct 2019
H "finally" asks for divorce - Aug 2020
H marries OW - March 2021.. We are not divorced!
Divorced - Dec 7th 2022

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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#129: September 09, 2019, 01:30:45 PM
Let me encourage you, One Day
With a little more time, the whirring around of why will fade. You will accept that something was broken in your h, something you didn't break, and he lost himself. He wasn't strong enough to fight it but ran from his own demons. And in doing so, he f'ed up his life and lost you. He will never ever be entirely at home in his skin again because of his own weakness and foolishness. He will just have to live with his demons.  But you don't.
I'm not sure if the slight yearning ever entirely goes away if the love was big.
But the whirring and the pain does. I promise.
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.


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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#130: September 10, 2019, 04:57:31 PM

How long was it for you before you reached a point (if you have) when you honestly need nothing to be said or heard by your vanisher at all? Even if only in your own head lol.

When I'm dead?  Maybe a few weeks after I'm dead...  :P

This might surprise a few of you since I'm remarried, I'm the one that moved away, and I feel like my life has expanded so much since he walked out the door.  But still... I still sometimes (not all night or every night like I did in the past, but sometimes) have those conversations. 

I've been reading Shock's sister's thread with interest.  Some of you are wondering why she is hesitating to share her feelings with her ex.  I asked the same thing of her a while back. Kind of answers a few questions to those of us that have vanishers, don't you think?

I'm a good example. Even though I have had a few crumbs from The Leaver, I doubt very much he will ever come completely clean. Unlike many of you, I do have a window.. his life sucks.  Big time sucks. But his ego is way too fragile to ever in a million years to admit that he destroyed everything that was good and it was all a big fat mistake bc he was weak. Even if he comes out of the fog, I feel the most he might do is leave her and try again.
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me-53
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BD April 6 2013 day after family went out for sons birthday.
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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#131: September 10, 2019, 06:07:32 PM

I'm a good example. Even though I have had a few crumbs from The Leaver, I doubt very much he will ever come completely clean. Unlike many of you, I do have a window.. his life sucks.  Big time sucks. But his ego is way too fragile to ever in a million years to admit that he destroyed everything that was good and it was all a big fat mistake bc he was weak. Even if he comes out of the fog, I feel the most he might do is leave her and try again.


Yes, your window shows you that your MLCer doesn't have such a rosy life.  I don't have a window like that. 

I do agree, though, that my MLCer will most probably never admit that he made the biggest mistake of his entire life (followed closely by marrying someone that had already had four marriage licenses in just one county in one state!).

For sure I think that if he ever does come out of whatever he's in, he'll just send her packing (if she hasn't left already for number 6) and try again.   
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BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#132: September 10, 2019, 06:36:34 PM
I believe mine will also never admit any wrong doing or acknowledge the hurt he caused.  He has already proven he can up and leave without regret/remorse so I, too, fall in the camp that if things don't work out with OW, he'll leave her and recreate another fantasy existence.  So sad.
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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#133: September 10, 2019, 06:53:57 PM
I´m close to 10 years from BD and would still appreciate either an apology, acknowledgement of the pain unleashed or confirmation that his life is unicorns and roses and thus worth all the destruction. But, one of his phrases was that he is never wrong, so I suppose that owning up to this is outside of happening in this plane of reality.

For too long I actually believed that he had wiped me clean from his memory. Now I do not believe that as having spent 30 years together- more than half of our lives, there have to be triggers on a regular basis. Of course, they could be triggering him to be angry, but hey, I exist.

I am coming up on having lived in my house for as long with as without him and take pride in having managed as it is a $h!teton to take care of. My "escape" plan is in the works and I can leave with my head held high knowing I did not leave someone in the lurch.
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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#134: September 10, 2019, 09:50:32 PM
Hello clanishers :)

I've been reading along for over a year now, coming up to two years since BD1 and h is a vanisher....

As someone without a window, I definitely benefit from the glimpses others get of their vanisher's "wonderful new life"

I also think if my h does ever come out the other side of whatever this is and realise he f'ed everything up, he is unlikely to admit that to anyone, let alone me. I think he would just keep it to himself and go about making the best of the mess, maybe as others have said, get rid of ow and start again with someone else...another "wonderful new life" ::)

 
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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#135: September 10, 2019, 10:42:22 PM
There is obviously a different school of thought about any LBS's wish for some kind of acknowledgement and validation as the recent discussion on ShockSis's thread shows. Some spectrum between 'just get over it bc you need to think positively' to 'yup, it leaves a bit unhealed you have to learn to live with'. And of course we are all entitled to our own POV and healing as we see fit.

Perhaps the vanishers' clan has a slightly different black hole? Idk.
I no longer doubt that I can live with it...what else can one do?
But I find it reassuring that even years later, even with a good life made, it is normal to feel a wish...if no longer a need...for some kind of normal healthy acknowledgement of damage done.
Not the kind of wish that interferes with your day but one that honours the reality of what happened to you bc of others actions, and that it is not ok to treat people that way or to pretend that it is.
That is nothing to do with judging how well the LBS has coped and nothing to do with reconciliation.
And the assumption that if that never happens, and it seems less likely with the vanishers maybe, it confirms that the crisis folks have never entirely returned to being healthy adults or healed from their own self-inflicted damage.

It seems quite possible to me that one can wish for it without expecting it, and without the need for a karma bus to roll over the MLCer either....but maybe we occasionally long for that rare 'window' even second hand bc it is an alternative for the acknowledgement we didn't get. Something that shows it wasn't us and that behaving badly does not produce a delightful life at our expense?
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« Last Edit: September 10, 2019, 10:50:10 PM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.


"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#136: September 11, 2019, 02:18:53 AM
I agree with everything you said, Treasur. That's how I feel.
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Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D26, D23, S16
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#137: September 11, 2019, 09:31:28 AM
I’ve been reading along on SS thread and saw your posts there Treasur I completely agree.

I do and don’t have a window. I do in the sense that I have heard via a 3rd party some of the crazy that’s has happened in the past 3 years (since BD) and some of the small snippets that would indicate all is not completely rosy with MLCr and OW. And I have the social media view (which I have only seen very occasionally) which tells a story of a happy couple, new house Reno, baby all very rosy indeed so much so I go back to doubting any of the earlier crazy. And yes I know we shouldn’t believe what we see on social media but you’d be hard pushed to not see a very happy set up!

I totally get that it’s harder to heal when we don’t have any snippets of regret or remorse and I think it’s also true that just telling someone not to focus on that and that it shouldn’t affect your healing is pointless.

From my perspective, rightly or wrongly, it absolutely would make a difference to me and my healing were I to know there was regret, that my MLCr knows he messed up. If he left OW it would be such a huge relief - even if he carries on in MLC and went on to another it would still provide me with some validation.

My BD was just over 3 years ago, I was a hardcore stander originally and was furious at the suggestion of moving on or finding someone else yet I was completely dumbfounded when I did meet someone a year later and I am still with that person 2 years on yet that makes no difference to the hurt that’s still inside and that sadness that still lingers - it might always. It also makes no difference to how I feel about getting that insight in to my MLCr being remorseful or admitting he messed up.

Treasur said it perfectly, regardless of how much I loved the man my h was, the enormity of the situation and the trauma I went through means I wouldn’t ever feel I could trust my MLCr again and he has a child with OW so for me the door to reconciliation was closed which is why I moved on. But yet I still don’t know if I will ever stop being bothered by it or get over the hurt and to get full closure I need to hear that regret and remorse. An apology alone wouldn’t cut it esp if he continued with OW.
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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#138: September 11, 2019, 10:41:00 AM
Do you know I wonder if the core of what we yearn to hear is as simple as 'you truly mattered to me and I am so sorry that I hurt you'. Just that. Less than 15 words.

I am glad Sparkle that you have hopefully found a good man to share your current life with and that you made some good things for yourself despite what happened to you. But it does not surprise me one whit that you feel as you do. If you were a widow, who loved a new bf or h, yet also felt that you wished your first husband was still alive and with you? No one would find that much of a surprising thing to hear would they? Makes perfect sense to me that a vanisher is not very different at all.
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.


"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#139: September 11, 2019, 10:48:21 AM
I think why those of us with vanishers feel a little differently with the “move forward” group is moving forward was a given, we didn’t have a choice.

When we say we want closure, it’s slightly different than those with “normal” divorce/ break-ups.

It’s very common for those who are left to contact the betrayers ad nauseam in the name of “closure”, that’s not what we are doing here. We were ghosted. Not just by someone we met on a dating site but by our spouses of many years. Wtf??  I’m not even talking about getting answers a year or two after they left. I don’t believe there is one thing they could say to satisfy us in the early days.

We already know they are liars by their actions. I’m talking years after they left. Jmo, but I feel like if he broke down, told me his actions were beyond cruel, I didn’t deserve how he treated me AND what could he do show his true remorse, well then, I would feel a little more like my entire marriage wasn’t a figment of my imagination. Who knows, maybe it will happen some day. For now, I always have my memories and he can’t take those away.
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me-53
ow-31
married 1986
BD April 6 2013 day after family went out for sons birthday.
I packed his bags two days later...semi-vanisher
https://heneversaidaword.com

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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#140: September 11, 2019, 10:49:58 AM
T, you were writing the same time I was writing and yes, those 15 words would be all I need.

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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#141: September 11, 2019, 02:07:50 PM
Me, too.
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BD May 2014,
D26, D23, S16
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#142: September 11, 2019, 02:45:16 PM
Yes Treasur, that would be a start! I’d quite like an additional ‘I regret the choice I made’ on that sentence though  :)

It’s exactly like being widowed, you move on but doesn’t change the sadness or hurt. In many ways being widowed would have been easier at least you wouldn’t have the confusion and as Nah quite rightly put it the shock of being ‘ghosted’ I mean that in itself is just so far from normal. Ghosting a long standing partner - just crazy. To this day I still wonder how people around him though shocked just seemed to accept is as ok... I think I might have asked this before but the ‘abandoned wife syndrome’ that there is books and a whole website on are the abandoners just vanishing MLCrs?

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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#143: September 11, 2019, 03:12:49 PM
For me, I got the words he regretted how it ended but he would not change the outcome. No appology or acknowledgment will ever come from my vanisher. He needed a change ( his words) and he got it. Therefore closure is up to me and you're right, nah, we were completely ghosted :(
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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#144: September 11, 2019, 04:33:39 PM
For me, fellow clannishers, those 15 words are still just not quite enough for closure.  As we’ve often heard and said, don’t believe what they say and only a small fragment of what they do. The whole “actions speak louder than words” adage comes into play.

I’d like to experience from him the level of remorse that matches the level of shock, sadness, grief, shame, and emotional devastation that I went through at the time of his betrayal. Those 15 words said (in person) by a man crying relentlessly and snot mixed with his tears excreting from the orifices of his grief-stricken face, with loud gasping hiccups between each word coupled with a smattering of begging, repeating the word “please” at least 25 times in desperation for a response from me.

I haven’t really thought about it much, though  ::)
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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#145: September 12, 2019, 03:54:30 AM
Treasur
Quote
Do you know I wonder if the core of what we yearn to hear is as simple as 'you truly mattered to me and I am so sorry that I hurt you'. Just that. Less than 15 words.

I’ve heard this, so I think I’m one of the lucky ones, it does help me not to question if what we had was real, but it makes me really frustrated and sad. He admits what we had was special but he’s just too weak to do anything about it

I agree with what many of you have said, I don’t think he’ll ever be strong enough to do anything about it, he’s so ashamed of what he’s done, I think he feels like he’s getting what he deserves.  Even though I don’t want him skipping happily through life with ow, it makes me sad to think that he’s so broken and there doesn’t seem to be any ‘winners’ in this

Vanishes are a different kind of difficult, but I think all MLCers only seem to be able to cause hurt and confusion, whatever their style, but not having any communication with someone you’ve shared a huge part of your life with is so hard
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At BD June 2015
Me - 49
MLCH - 50
No children, unfortunately
OW - yes
Together 26 years, married 23
BD - told him to leave, OW left her H, they ran away together
Nov 2015 - H left OW as he wanted to return, lived locally while we tried
April 2016 - told him it wasn't working
Aug 2016 - H living with ow again
MLC H - not quite a vanishers, more a Hider, very little contact

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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#146: September 21, 2019, 09:53:19 PM
I currently have a vanisher. I am 15 months into his MLC and the last 3 months he has been a complete vanisher. No contact in any way and I have no idea where he lives or his phone number. I know 3 months of a vanisher is not long at all but definitely doesn't make it hurt any less. It's sad to think that someone you were with for so long could just up and disappear and not seem to care at all. I am currently still standing since 15 months is nothing in MLC world.

Little background: Married 16 years together 18. BD June 2018, I moved out December 2018, he became a vanisher June 2019.
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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#147: September 21, 2019, 10:32:13 PM
I’m so sorry S.

If it makes you feel any better, yes 3 months is not a long time. I’m sure 3 months feels like an eternity but time will make that better too. Ugh... sorry, I know the “time” word sucks right now.

I think for right now you are doing the right thing. No big decisions, just take care of yourself and protect your finances.

Btw... it’s been over six years for me. We will have long periods of no contact and then Poof... somehow there’s always some kind of contact and we are BOTH remarried.  ???



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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#148: September 21, 2019, 11:20:10 PM
I'm sorry too,s
Yes as we know here, it is a surreal feeling to have a vanisher after so many years together.
The only benefit is that we do not get quite so much crazy in our face but of course we also are left with a noisy silence. Which we tend to fill with unanswerable questions.
But please remind yourself often that this is not how normal healthy adults behave and you did nothing to cause it.

As Nah says protect the finances and look after yourself the best you can. Let yourself grieve and let life carry you forward slowly too. If you are still married, you will probably hear from him in some fashion but they can disappear for several months at a time before randomly popping up. But I am very sorry you find yourself here and consider starting your own story thread if you think we can support you by knowing a bit more about you and your situation.
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.


"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

S
  • *
  • Newbie
  • Posts: 5
  • Gender: Female
Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#149: September 22, 2019, 10:08:13 AM
Thanks Treasur and nah for your kind words. I've read everything there is to read on MLC and also started a Facebook support group to help others going through this hard time. There are so many people dealing with a spouse in MLC and there even a few who are having a crisis in the group and it is sad to hear how confused and lost they are.

I appreciate the advice about the finances. Luckily we have always had separate finances so no problem there. I am just taking it a day at a time and the pain has eased somewhat with time and space.
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nah

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 7252
  • Gender: Female
  • His mlc...too bad for him
Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#150: September 22, 2019, 02:44:17 PM
Contact a lawyer to protect your finances.

You started a Facebook group?  That’s great. Send me a message with the information and I’ll join!!
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H-55
me-53
ow-31
married 1986
BD April 6 2013 day after family went out for sons birthday.
I packed his bags two days later...semi-vanisher
https://heneversaidaword.com

N

Nas

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  • MLCer Type: Vanisher
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 3233
Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#151: September 22, 2019, 02:51:11 PM
Same! I’ve deactivated my Facebook for a bit but when I go back live I’d love to join.
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“The desire to be loved is the last illusion. Give it up and you will be free.” ~Margaret Atwood

F
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1260
  • Gender: Female
Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#152: September 22, 2019, 03:35:31 PM
I would like to join too!
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Married 23 years
Husband is 46
Me-42
4 kids 9-18 years old
BD-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, 2 OW at different times.
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but superficial.
2020-He has continued to help out when asked and be polite.  I do think he questions his choices at times.  I do not believe he has OW.
Oct 2020-He wants to get back together.  I am unsure. 
August 2021-.  He has shown very gradual, but consistent progress.  He moved back home.
December 2022-He has been home for 1 1/2 years reconnecting, in the room with me for several months. I now consider us reconciled.
October 2023-After two years home and being the man he should be, I finally fully let him back into my heart.

j
  • **
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 45
  • Gender: Female
Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
#153: September 23, 2019, 02:01:21 AM
  • Logged
« Last Edit: September 23, 2019, 02:56:12 AM by Thunder »

 

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