I am so sorry you are going through this.  For my own experience, I missed the beginning signs and attributed them to stress and anger over what was happening with Covid.  I do wonder how that time period played into people's lives as a contributor or a mask. 

I’m living this nightmare right now.  She filed over a year ago.  But won’t leave.  We’ve spent ~$60k in legal fees and are no where close to this thing being resolved. 

She won’t stop either.  She can’t stop herself.  It’s war war war with the attorneys.  But she won’t actually leave. 

Like Ursa said.  She field a motion to request documents that I was supposed to share (more legal fees losses involving the lawyers). But we’re supposed to share the docs at the same time.  And I asked if she has done hers (keep in mind that was 10 months post filing, simple documents). Alas, she had not.  So while my docs had been ready since a month after filing.  Hers docs were not after 10 months.  And she filed a motion to force me to share docs when hers weren’t ready?   The docs ended up being exchanged a month or two later once she prepared hers.  Another $2k down the toilet.   I’m sorry but this behavior is absolutely insane. 

One theory is perhaps the legal battle is feeding her narcissistic supply, seeing as though she’s not getting any of it from me.  This could be her way of getting that sweet supply. 

Everyone here keeps talking about protecting themselves financially.   How am I supposed to do that when the losses are legal fees, where it’s perfectly legal to use marital resources to burn through???  And I am not legally allowed to cut her off?   This thing is soul destroying….

Some days I’m not sure how to carry on. Most days I’m living my life as if and actually doing pretty great. 

It’s just the entire process.   It’s mind blowing.  It’s the most bizarre thing I’ve ever seen in my entire life. 

At some level most people can bucket someone’s behavior.  2.5 years of studying MLC.  I just can’t figure it out.  It the strangest human behavior I’ve come across and it makes no sense.  Even a crazy persons behavior makes sense.  Because they’re crazy right!  But a MLCer?  Like what in gods name is that?

I’m sorry for that shot of anxiety. Horrible feeling, isn’t it? Never felt anything like it before BD but fortunately it’s a long time since I’ve felt anything like it since too.

Try to do something, ideally physical, to get the anxiety out of your body. Go for a run, a long walk, dance in the kitchen - doesn’t matter, just give your system a way to vent it. As my gran used to say, better out than in!

And keep your expectations minimal, one way or the other. Maybe even assign a time limit like 30 mins to hear her out and then have someplace else you have to be or something else you have to do. Doesn’t have to be the truth but it will give you a small sense of control and time to breathe after she says whatever she wants to say. Fwiw - can’t remember many of these ‘I’m coming round to talk’ moments (and lots of us LBS had them and felt how you feel) being particularly enlightening. Or even as big a deal as your nervous system thinks lol. Sometimes it is….more often it’s just more of the same or bc they want something from you.

So, easily covered in 30 minutes if she’s talking and you’re just listening, and then you have already built in a ‘time to think about what you said’ space afterwards. Bc hyper vigil isn’t nervous systems make us a bit prone to reacting before we think so it’s good to give yourself time and reasonable to require it. That will be as true if it is some big announcement on her part, positive or negative from your PoV, or if it is just a dollop of sadz she is wanting you to mop up or a demand for money or for you to fix some other problem she doesn’t like about the current situation. Hear her out, don’t react at the time, say ‘thanks for telling me x, I’ll take a bit of time to think about it and get back to you in a few days but I have to go now’ and show her the door.

Quote from: Atari25 on April 01, 2024, 11:31:28 AM

So hard to understand how she is ok living alone in an apartment in another city while we all go on as a family. I found it really tuff this holiday weekend.  I can't imagine how messed up she must be to continue to live away from us. 

Hi,
There's a very good chance of another man in her life. It would be her most guarded secret. Her mind is in the fog clouding her judgement. Shes in anguish and pleasure seeking. She doesn't know what she wants, just what she doesn't want ... which is you and the old life. Its not even her choice. She's been taken over  by the MLC and there's nothing you can really do to help her through it but keep to the 180. Time and space is your friend. Best to find your happiness without her and behave like a family of three. It is a very long and slow process and you can and will drive yourself crazy. I went through all this 14 years ago. Saved my marriage for another 6 years and she ultimately ended it and married the other man. I'll be divorced 8 years in 2024 and couldn't be happier. My life's a literal party now.

There's a ton of great advice on this board. Keep reading and journaling. and remember you are in charge of your happiness.

Interestingly she texted me this morning wants to talk tonight so she is coming over. I have not actually seen her in person for over 3 months now. My anxiety levels are through the roof as I don't know what she is going to say to me. Another man? Wants a formal separation now? No idea.  Horrible feeling right now but I realize we should talk at some point. I'm almost certain she is not in a place where she wants to work on our marriage so I'm guessing it's not going to be good news. No matter what I need to stay calm I know that....

I appreciate your thoughts STP - She could very well be with another guy. I know she parties a lot with her golf friends, who knows what's happening there.

Yes, I agree.

It is very odd. I had immense pressure in December to get the property settlement done. I took the offer the week before Christmas and it is now April and the consent orders have not been filed. It normally takes a couple of weeks.

Don’t expect a rush. They are all over the shop.