Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Midlife Crisis => Our Community => Topic started by: Baxter1 on November 08, 2023, 06:59:35 AM
-
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=12106.0
My third thread, here’s a link to part 2.
W still at home, going on 8 months now. We’re still cordial and coparent quite well, if it wasn’t for her trying to kick me out of the house this might make this a little easier to handle! We tied MC, that lasted about 2 sessions and the MC said she couldn’t help us. That sounds about right seeing that this is an MLC issue and not a marriage issue. Just finished reading hearts blessings, great read, it explained a lot and is giving me the attitude of grace and empathy. Feeling pretty detached, every day I realize that this is something that she didn’t ask for. That being said it’s making detachment easier since I see that the shadow is in the drivers seat at times she is just a passenger along for the ride(so to speak). From what she has said I think she realizes that this is an issue within herself, I wish I could help but she’s got to do this alone, the journey continues…
-
I am so happy to hear you’re finding peace with it. I am trying myself and I know these things from the threads here and shocksis words.
I just still feel as her best friend and husband for so long I have to help. And I can’t. And she is ruining her life and pushing me further and further away and I’m scared when she wakes up I won’t be there. Because at some point there are consequences. Like I can’t allow her to just decide anytime she is bored that she wants to go be free and start talking to dozens of men and seeking attention emotionally or physically elsewhere. I want to believe this is all part of the crisis. But it doesn’t change that feeling that if she wakes up and comes back am I going to always be waiting for her to do it again? And I can’t live like that.
I wish you good luck Baxter and I’m always here bud. We have been in this journey pretty closely together. Also for anyone who wants I’m adding a link to my Facebook. I have found I’ve been checking this less but don’t want to lose touch.
https://www.facebook.com/masonseason2?mibextid=LQQJ4d
-
Same back to you ICF,
ShockSis and Hearts Blessings have been great reads, they really helped me get in a place where I understand WTF is going on. It is very difficult to see them go out and do things that a normal
Spouse wouldn’t do. I keep on thinking that she is under the control of the monster, regular W would never do half the stuff she has been doing. That being said I’m working on setting boundaries and trying to give space, i think as LBS that’s all we can do.
See you on FB
-
Hmm,
Got an email from W saying we need to separate. She has felt this way for a while
And she wants me to either
A- Move out, she will sign a paper that says I still have rights to the house (if such a paper exists?)
B-Go to mediation, which my understanding is a friendly divorce, I still feel the house will be lost in this
Scenario
C-Divorce, we lose it all
I will do nothing and see what happens but I just wanted to get some
Other opinions. I won’t respond to the email.
She said this is a long time coming and she’s felt this way for a long time.
Other than call a lawyer which I already have what would you recommend?
-
Seeing a lawyer is the best thing you can do. Also, you haven't moved out after many requests, which is also a best thing that you've done.
Being prepared (lawyer) and staying in the house is the most you can do now.
Not that this is easy, but you're doing all you can do.
-
My first thought - which I am assuming is what you meant by call a lawyer - is to take very specific guidance from your lawyer on the pros and likely cons of these 3 options and your interests. Most likely, bc there is no win-win in these situations legally, it will come down to his/her best advice on the most likely legal outcomes based on your priorities and the hills you are prepared to die on in terms of time, cost etc.
Fwiw I do think you should reply to the email bc legal stuff rarely gets easier if one doesn’t reply. And it makes you look like an a$$ to lawyers and judges if you do lol. But I think you should simply reply by saying that you will be taking legal advice and that you or your lawyer will be in touch when you have had time to consider. You may want to ask for the contact details of her lawyer for future communication about options. And offer to provide the contact details for your lawyer if you are ready to do sol If nothing else, this acknowledges her email and demonstrates that you are taking this seriously and reasonably. (And from here on imho any written communication should always be done imagining what it might look like in front of an unknown future judge and with an eye to protecting yourself from counter claims bc divorce processes often fail to bring out the best in people, sometimes in previously unimaginable ways.)
I would encourage you to stop listening to, or caring much about, anything she says about her feelings or justifications now. The same holds true for sharing yours. Imho once a marriage gets into legal water, the landscape changes from personal to business. It is what it is, regardless of how anyone feels about how it is if that makes sense.
Now is time for you to dig deep and consider all of your available options and which of them will serve you and your kids best in the longer term. That often means thinking hard about what is really swallow-able for you, and how you swallow things you might not wish to swallow if it looks like you have to. But you DO have options, more than those three actually….but all options come with some degree of predictable consequences. Your lawyer can inform you about the legal ones, maybe some of the financial ones even; the others you will have to consider for yourself.
I suspect the toughest thing for you is that you are going to have to swallow a few things you really really don’t want to. And we get that bc most of us have been there. The first is that your marriage as it was is over and this is the way that it is ending by your wife’s choice. At least as far as you can see right now. The second is that you are going to have to coparent in some way and have less time with your children than you do now. The third is that, unless you can afford to buy her out and set in motion ways to do so, you are not going to be able to continue to live in your current house. These are big painful losses to swallow but they are predictable effects of separation and/or divorce. They won’t get any easier to swallow through avoidance, so imho do whatever you need to do with your own mindset to start accepting these facts no matter how unfair or unwanted they are. Bc your best future and that of your kids will be built on the back of HOW you accept them and what is left after you do.
And that brings you to a deep reflection of what you genuinely think is best for you as a foundation for moving forward from where you are. Bc we can only start from here, can’t we? I don’t know the answer to those deeply personal questions and tbh my opinion doesn’t matter. But yours does and you may not know yet what you think.
It sounds as if your wife is proposing either some kind of legal/financial separation where you stay legally married but where she keeps the house OR some discussion legally mediated by a third party (if that is what she means by mediation) where you try to agree some middle ground OR letting the lawyers fight it out on your behalf. Tbh it sounds most of all as if she is trying to essentially threaten you with two ‘worse’ options if you do not give her what she has consistently wanted and tried to force you to agree with which is her option A of you just moving out and she keeps everything else the same. Which of course is not how RL tends to work, is it? Can you see other options? Can your lawyer? What are the ‘standard’ ways these things work where you live? Or her moving out as she is the one choosing to end the marriage? Another option of course is that you bite the bullet, follow legal advice on how the divorce process works where you live and file yourself if there is an advantage to you in doing so.
What would you do if you accepted that your marriage was over, that you will have to live elsewhere and that you will only have 50% time with your kids as a done deal regardless of which option you take? What option would you take if you were trying to look at it from a five year ahead future you?
We do understand how appallingly painful it is to be where you are….many of us have been there. There is nothing fair or reasonable about it. It comes with a lot of emotion and a lot of grief and loss and a lot of blank future pages at a time when that is the last thing you feel able to look at. I am so sorry bc this s&it is hard. But it is also true that deciding what you can find a way to let go of is what clears the ground for a different future too. And there is one. It may not be better than what you used to have but I can promise you it will be better than today.
But it requires a clear eye about the realities and options of where you are, and a honest assessment of your own motivation about the hills you are prepared to die on if you must. Do you know what those are?
Above all, don’t be drawn into behaving like an a$$hat legally or otherwise, no matter how tempting that is. Imho you are under no obligation to be nice or concerned much about your wife’s feelings or wishes now, other than as they matter legally/practically from a business pov….but nor will your interests or your kids interests be served by taking the low road or denying that you are where you are. Be civil and business like without feeling the need to be nice or kind or emotionally engaged. That probably means limiting direct communication as much as you can and making it as factual, brief and formal as is possible in your current circumstances. Which means let her go and let go of any attempt to persuade her to think or feel differently about the path she has chosen for all of you and let go of any involvement in how the predictable consequences affect her. You have enough to do with focusing on your own baseline priorities and limiting the damage from those predictable consequences on you and your kids as much as you can.
-
Sorry Baxter.
Acceptance and love.
I agree that ignoring won’t help. Just say you are seeking legal advice about the way forward.
The house is a house. It is about you and the kids. You will get through this.
I am very sorry.
-
Other than call a lawyer which I already have what would you recommend?
Like T wrote, acknowledge you have received message and will discuss the options with your legal advisor and get back to her by specific date. Setting a date give you some control of the future timeline instead of being a sitting duck.
Also, sit down and start prioritizing your current and future life. Write down a list of things in your life that you are NOT willing to negotiate. When you have the list, then start going it through mindfully. Once you can objectively understand the emotional connection behind your list, you are usually in place where you can start making stratetic and good decisions.
Most likely equal (or greater share) coparenting is your number one item. Having the house may define which of you gets main parenting role, but it is also important to understand house does not matter if you cannot keep it for your family. If house is off the list, then things like finding new home on same area where kids current friends, school etc reside is high priority goal. And that is where solid finances and job that gives you flexibility may become your number one priority...so in a way you need to explore various options and choose the ones that allow you to build the life you want.
Alvin
-
Hmm,
Got an email from W saying we need to separate. She has felt this way for a while
And she wants me to either
A- Move out, she will sign a paper that says I still have rights to the house (if such a paper exists?)
B-Go to mediation, which my understanding is a friendly divorce, I still feel the house will be lost in this
Scenario
C-Divorce, we lose it all
I will do nothing and see what happens but I just wanted to get some
Other opinions. I won’t respond to the email.
She said this is a long time coming and she’s felt this way for a long time.
Other than call a lawyer which I already have what would you recommend?
Hi B1, sorry for you that you receive this kind of mail/ultimatum. And in that bad moment, I am glad for you that you are not jumping on your keyboard to react in an hasty way.
At first view, by reading what your W writes I would say that she has no lawyer advice (the paper thing :o) at this time, so I am not sure that writing that you will see a lawyer is the right move, by doing so you would maybe send her to a lawyer. In my country divorce is a business, a very lucrative one ; once you see a lawyer the interest of the lawyer is to get the more money possible, so your lawyer and your spouse's lawyer bring you straight in a destructive spiral.
Seeing a lawyer is the good move IMO, you have no obligation to tell it to your W.
Instead of saying you will see a lawyer, if I were in your shoes I would write something like "I need time to find the best solution for the children". And I would ask also what your W expects from the mediation or what are her objectives. Maybe she seeks a quick divorce, maybe something else, maybe she doesn't know ? No assumptions.
-
I agree with French Husband. You do not need to tell her anything about what you are doing or not doing.
I am not even sure that you need to respond to her email at all. You already know what she wants, she's already expressed it to you..what more is there to say to her?
The ball can be left in her court to proceed legally or not. Your own legal consultation as to your rights might be helpful.
My own experience was that our "separation" cost over $50,000..because every time a lawyer had a minute of work done, it was billed....and in the end, what I was told I would be entitled to was not at all what I ended up being "rewarded". It was a great deal less than what my lawyer assured me I would receive.
-
Thank you all. I’m going to hold off for a bit in responding. As for responding ‘I’ll call my lawyer’ I feel that this will add fuel to the fire. I know our financial situation, we’re not really in a position to pay for lawyers and whatnot. When we’ve talked in the past about me leaving the house I could see pain in her eyes ,like it was a physical pain to be in the same house. Like escape and avoid in reverse, she wants me out so she can get relief.
I’m not going to leave, I’m going to protect home and kids. What happens happens.
-
Some Journaling
Thanksgiving was ok, she took the kids to her sisters place and I stayed home. The boys came back later and we watched a movie and hung out. It seems MLC holidays are way different, we’ve spent the last 24 Thanksgivings together, this will be our first one apart.
Other than that still an At Home MLCer, she locks herself in her room when she gets home. We talk/text with each other, but that’s about it. Still co-parent well and I feel pretty detached, she comes and goes as she pleases and I’m getting better with GAL.
She’s still with the OA (original Alienator) and they just took a nice trip to Orlando together with her best friend and husband. I can’t imagine the best friend or husband were comfortable with this scenario. I know if I went on vacation with someone and their mistress I would feel pretty weird.
Hoping the holidays go well, I guess we’ll see. Shameless plug: I signed up for Stand Up and Thrive and it’s great! The videos are good but the weekly talks are awesome. Like here it’s a great community of people who get it, and Kendas there too sharing her wisdom.
-
Some journaling:
A part of GAL in taking some more trips and work is having me stay out of town as well. This space is good for both of us. It seems she is getting more angry, at a recent funeral she asked if I would drive in a separate car and signed the sign in book with her and the kids only. Communication is rare at best, a text or email occasionally. At a recent trip to my in laws I was informed that they are aware of what is going on and support me fully. It’s nice to have their support, we’re all still
In the house, which is nice.
She seems to be spending less and less time going out, maybe the Alienator is gone? Maybe she’s getting more depressed and doesn’t want to go out as much? I read 0% into this, the MLC mind is all over the place so who knows what all is going on. For now I’m keeping my head down and just trying to get through this.
-
If Alienator #<x> is gone and she is still plunging headlong into the tunnel, you can likely expect more and more monster as well as the appearance of Alienator #<x+1>.... More Monster because no one is there to give her the addictive shot of happy she so desperately needs and that i obviously your fault (therefore you are the target of the Monster) and X=X+1 because the Mid-Lifer needs that dopamine rush.... or they need to look inside and start doing their own work (which, only happens after a brutal trip to rock bottom a la Wile E Coyote..... )
-
UM, as per usual you’re right! Shes headlong I the tunnel for sure. Turns out A#1 is still around.
The deeper she gets into this crisis the more I understand (if that’s even possible). Seems like the core person is definitely gone. The glimpses I used to get are less frequent, the anger is getting more intense. That being said I accept the ‘process of MLC’, she has to get through this in her own time. Nothing I can do but stand back and stand by while she figures herself out. She has been cycling lately and is doing more at the house and is hone a lot more.
We are both still in the house with the kids. Me being in the house is a boundary to keep others out, also have financial boundaries so I’m not sponsoring her walk on the wild side. Other than that we each keep away from each other. As time goes on I’m told she will get angrier, and my situation will get worse. I’m still early in this game but I’m still standing.
-
I hope despite all the waves from the crisis, that you were able to find some joy this Christmas Baxter1.
-
FW-
I was pleasantly surprised by Christmas. We were all together and watched the kids open their presents. She got me small nice things and I did the same for her. There was definitely some awkwardness but we worked through it and had a good day. She even made dinner, this was a welcome surprise, we don’t really have family dinners anymore. I make dinner for me and the kids and she comes by later and makes herself a plate.
I hope you are also enjoying the holidays, appreciate the check in!
-
So happy that you had a peaceful Christmas together. it helps to be able to have family time together...the kids "see" more than we give them credit for.
Enjoy this special time of year~
-
A little journaling:
W still at home, still high energy but has slowed down a lot over the last month or two. Still locks herself in the room when she gets home and conversations are rare at best. We still co-parent well and we’ve settled into the ‘new normal’
All that being said monster made a come back today! I haven’t seen monster in quite some time, I thought she forgot about me but nope, she’s back. W has been taking trips to parts unknown with who knows who( alienator has been confirmed). That being said I too have been taking trips to
Parts unknown with just me. It appears that when I go on trips I am a horrible person. So monster has a problem with me enjoying life, because why should I have any fun. In addition to that monster again asked me to move out. We were about due for that conversation, it is literally every two months, like clockwork. Good news is I stood my ground on both not moving(the person who wants out gets out) and still having fun( why should she have all the fun?).
That’s about it, just wanted to vent, 6 months ago I would have been floored by this but time does
Make you stronger, I now take it in stride.
-
Hi B1,
I am glad you are doing well ! It is funny how our spouses want us to be as bad as they are ;D.
Seems we are living Groundhog Day everyday, but as the hero of the movie, after the first shock we are slowly getting better and better
-
Baxter, I’ve just read your threads and I think your W and my H have read the same MLC Handbook. Such similar scripts. It’s really quite weird. We’ve got to the point where we’ve agreed that no one is going to move out for now and we’re not going to have any kind of conversation with S6, who seems very content and is thriving which is what I want to preserve.
One thing that struck me when I was reading your threads was about the ‘advice’ that our MLCers are getting from other people. I realised that in my situation, and possibly yours and many others, the main source of relationship advice that they are getting and listening to is most likely coming from the Alienator. There’s no one else they really listen to (because that would require some kind of rational thought) and it’s used as a bonding experience between the MLCer and Alienator. A kind of ‘no one understands me the way you do’ type feeling that can roughly be translated as ‘no one blows smoke up my a$$ the way you do’. It’s kind of like a drug addict asking their dealer for advice on rehab.
-
One thing that struck me when I was reading your threads was about the ‘advice’ that our MLCers are getting from other people. I realised that in my situation, and possibly yours and many others, the main source of relationship advice that they are getting and listening to is most likely coming from the Alienator.
The main sources of support for the MLC'ers are typically the alienator or other enablers. Why? Because anyone that disagrees with the path the MLC'er has chosen is then automatically put into the camp of "the enemy" and either castigated or cancelled..... Because those are the people that reinforce accountability and responsibility for one's own actions.... and the MLC'er can NOT stand that idea....
-
One thing that struck me when I was reading your threads was about the ‘advice’ that our MLCers are getting from other people. I realised that in my situation, and possibly yours and many others, the main source of relationship advice that they are getting and listening to is most likely coming from the Alienator.
The main sources of support for the MLC'ers are typically the alienator or other enablers. Why? Because anyone that disagrees with the path the MLC'er has chosen is then automatically put into the camp of "the enemy" and either castigated or cancelled..... Because those are the people that reinforce accountability and responsibility for one's own actions.... and the MLC'er can NOT stand that idea....
I couldn’t agree more. I have watched my W surround herself with people who either barely know her or her new”friends” she has made since our separation and she has deleted and blocked and cast out EVERYONE who has spoken up about her behavior or questioned it or tried to talk to her. Anyone who knew her and knew us has been thrown away like trash even after lifelong friendships because they aren’t just buying into to her crap.
-
It’s kind of like a drug addict asking their dealer for advice on rehab.
Yes!
-
In the past I have asked if her friends (the actual friends she had and has known for years) support her in this. She said she doesn’t listen to anyone and makes her own decisions. I’m going to take that as a huge NO. That being said it seems like she is living an alternate life with whomever will agree with the narrative. Her parents (who actually agree with me and are appalled by her behavior) say that she is standoffish towards them.
-
In the past I have asked if her friends (the actual friends she had and has known for years) support her in this. She said she doesn’t listen to anyone and makes her own decisions. I’m going to take that as a huge NO. That being said it seems like she is living an alternate life with whomever will agree with the narrative. Her parents (who actually agree with me and are appalled by her behavior) say that she is standoffish towards them.
The Mid-Lifer tends to surround themselves with enablers and people who support their narrative. Anyone who dares to question them or demand any kind of accountability is classified as an "Enemy."
-
General question:
My wife had her mother send over old photo albums, pics from when she was a child. There’s also some old report cards and other memories. Is this common? Is she looking back to try to ‘relive’ and re-evaluate her childhood?
-
General question:
My wife had her mother send over old photo albums, pics from when she was a child. There’s also some old report cards and other memories. Is this common? Is she looking back to try to ‘relive’ and re-evaluate her childhood?
Can you please stick your elbow in a pot of green and describe how it tastes?
You'll have about the same amount of success trying to understand why an MLC'er does whatever it is they are doing.....
However, in answer to part 2 of the question, usually the Mid-Lifer is trying to erase anything connecting them to their past but that doesn't mean that they don't try to relive it.... Since they do tend to revert to grade-school/early teens emotionally, she might be trying to recapture that lost "thing" that she believes is lurking in her past life.... Who knows? It is a mystery
-
UM,
You always come back with some great ones! I figured she was going back in time to relive something. But you’re right, figuring out the MLC mind is a fools errand, if she doesn’t know who she is and why she does what she does then what chance do I have to figure her out?
-
UM,
You always come back with some great ones! I figured she was going back in time to relive something. But you’re right, figuring out the MLC mind is a fools errand, if she doesn’t know who she is and why she does what she does then what chance do I have to figure her out?
Just doing my job, Sir. Just doing my job.....
-
Sadly I agree.
I gave up attempting to rationalise the irrational sometime ago.
-
Some journaling,
Well it’s been a year, one whole year of MLC. It’s been quite the ride, from the confusion and sadness at BD to now living together but separate in the same home.
We are in a phase where I am totally ignored. I don’t see monster all too often, every once in a while I am told if I don’t move out she will file, I stand my ground so this has yet to happen. She’s still high energy but has slowed down a bit, hone most nights and just is locked in her room. The alienator is still around from what I can see, I try to keep that out of my mind. Silver lining to this is that my relationship with has my kids has grown. Also I have grown, I’m stronger and I’ve traveled and learned about myself over this last year.
I could not have made it without the support of this group. Thank you all for your responses and support. There were times where I thought my whole life was falling apart and the responses to my posts got me through those dark times. I was hoping that balloons would fall from the ceiling and I’d get a sash for the one year anniversary, maybe next year…
-
Good post Baxter.
I'm sure Ursa has a balloons and sash gif waiting for you somewhere
-
I was hoping that balloons would fall from the ceiling and I’d get a sash for the one year anniversary, maybe next year…
This will have to do ....
(https://media.giphy.com/media/v1.Y2lkPTc5MGI3NjExb2plYzh2czlxMmo2YzVmNWpvZGNqeGlvN3U1NmY4eWU3NDkyOHl1cCZlcD12MV9pbnRlcm5hbF9naWZfYnlfaWQmY3Q9Zw/zD2SpVI4vBLeo/giphy.gif)
(https://media.giphy.com/media/v1.Y2lkPTc5MGI3NjExeXdnNml1YTZiNnVjdTg5djJ4MmZzajVoc2JmN2E0bjdzaHNlYmloeCZlcD12MV9pbnRlcm5hbF9naWZfYnlfaWQmY3Q9Zw/3orif37aHzNZxCcUmI/giphy.gif)
-
Pretty good UM
-
Love it!
-
Thanks for the morning laugh UM
-
Well it’s been a year, one whole year of MLC.
Silver lining to this is that my relationship with has my kids has grown. Also I have grown, I’m stronger and I’ve traveled and learned about myself over this last year.
I just recently found out about this forum, but I am also just passed the one year mark of my invitation to this crisis. I am proud of my growth as well. It is fantastic that you have also grown your relationship with your kids. So much research shows that fathers have a HUGE impact on their kids, and as a society, we don't value that as I think we should. Although I have withheld a lot of information from them, and mitigated damage to the best of my ability, it has been heart breaking to watch the damage my H has done to his relationship with our kids.
-
I don’t think she has said a thing to the kids about OM, I know I haven’t. I just tell them we are going through something. Them seeing her disappear for days and seeing me be the stable force has really helped our relationship. It’s so sad, she was the best mom, now it’s like she’s a different person all together.
-
Some Journaling
She filed the other day. It’s been a little over a year of her threatening to file if I don’t move out so she finally did it the other day. This doesn’t affect my stand, it’s my understanding that these things take time but I’m still holding on. Maybe it was pressure from the Alienator or maybe she’s getting close to SPLAT and this is just her way of escaping and avoiding.I guess it really does get worse before it gets better. I’m still in the home and still see the kids(and Baxter) every day. She still locks herself in her room when she gets home. Still high energy but has slowed down a lot of the last couple of months. Time will tell what happens..
-
Have you got your own lawyer and taken legal advice, Baxter1? Bc imho once they file, the landscape changes and your priorities might need to adapt accordingly.
-
Have you got your own lawyer and taken legal advice, Baxter1? Bc imho once they file, the landscape changes and your priorities might need to adapt accordingly.
Exactly correct -
New Priority #1 - Know your options/rights..... Get up to speed with the legal aspects because once they file, it is ALL just business.....
-
Some Journaling
She filed the other day. It’s been a little over a year of her threatening to file if I don’t move out so she finally did it the other day. This doesn’t affect my stand, it’s my understanding that these things take time but I’m still holding on. Maybe it was pressure from the Alienator or maybe she’s getting close to SPLAT and this is just her way of escaping and avoiding.I guess it really does get worse before it gets better. I’m still in the home and still see the kids(and Baxter) every day. She still locks herself in her room when she gets home. Still high energy but has slowed down a lot of the last couple of months. Time will tell what happens..
it is really funny how our wives seem to follow same script :o and same timeline. I received the divorce letter one month and a few days ago. But no divorce filed until now.
High energy / Low Energy -> at the moment I don't see the difference in speed, only the difference in intensity. Have courage and Faith ! And yes, I agree with other advises : a lawyer is a priority now for you.
-
Our Prime Minister in Australia’s wife ended his marriage on New Year’s Day a few years ago and he said something that really helped me and others I know on this journey.
Albo said “I needed to stop trying to understand it and just accept it and accept it.” I spent so much time trying to understand where my wife went and why this had happened to me. My life has got better now I have stopped struggling to understand and just accepted where I am.
I am very sorry Baxter. It all takes time. Everything had to be done in. A rush for us and now 4 months later she has not filed the agreement. I don’t attach significance to it.
Find a good lawyer. Listen to the advice and make good decisions for you and your children. It is all you can do.
-
Some more journaling:
A couple of days after she filed she came up to me and said she needed a hug (We haven’t had physical contact of any kind in about a year). We had the longest, tightest hug I think we’ve ever had, it was a 5 minute hug. Then she retreated back to her room, and didn’t say a word. Ever since then it’s been silence, ignores me, doesn’t respond when I say hello, nothing. I’m not really putting much stock in it but it was a welcome surprise.
Other than that she’s home a lot more. Home on weekends, making dinner, buying stuff for the house and cleaning, glimpses of the way it used to be. Not sure if the pressure from the alienator proved too much and it fell apart or what but it’s nice to see her engaged, it’s probably cycling but I’ll enjoy this.
Other than that no word with the filing, it’s been almost 6 weeks and she hasn’t said a thing. If I didnt happen to look it up I would have never known. If she was so anxious to get it done I would think she would have done some type of action but then again who knows what’s going on it her pretty little head. For now I’m focusing on me, the kids and Baxter and leaving her to it . Que sera sera. She got hurt at work so maybe that’s holding her back, she not getting a full paycheck so maybe that’s playing into this? Again who knows, for now I’m staying in the home and standing.
-
A couple of days after she filed she came up to me and said she needed a hug. (We haven’t had physical contact of any kind in about a year). We had the longest, tightest hug I think we’ve ever had, it was a 5 minute hug.
You are a bigger person than I am.... After I got served with her D papers, my MLCxW asked for something similar and my response was that, since her divorce was in process, we no longer had that kind of relationship and left it at that.
-
Hi Baxter,
You seem in a good place. They are just so odd.
My wife went back to not using my name again in communications. I gently said I still have a name and it would be nice if you used it.
We settled property the week before December and the agreement is still not filed. At the time, it had to be done in a week and then nothing. To use my brother in laws language they are cooked in the head.
My daughter is 10 on Sunday. She is having a party with her friends. I am invited but a bit like the Dixie Chicks I am not ready to play nice. I have explained to my eldest I can’t manage it emotionally and she was sad but understood.
My relationship with my kids is very much improved. There is still a bit of parental alienation going on but I find by taking the high road I am winning that one.
But mostly I just miss my family being together. And that’s ok.
Stay strong.