[Didot49]

Same, thank you. I have already been so impressed by the support given to me.

Thunder, thanks for the advice. I think if I answer I will keep things short. I like the idea of being in control. Up until recently he was in control of every situation. My decision to detach gave me a sense of taking back some control, before that he was dragging me down with him. It’s our 26th wedding Anniversary on Wednesday. Not sure if he’ll call, but I don’t want to talk to him that day, especially with knowing he’s seeing someone else right now.

[Treasur]

I think the magic point - and it takes most of us a while to get there - is you contact him or respond to contact based on how YOU feel and what YOU want. You break the subconscious pattern of 'If I do x, them he will think/do y'. Why? To train your brain to focus on you enough to put your needs first regardless. Because he is not your H right now and the old assumptions and habits won't work.

You can be polite and courteous without being a doormat or a fixer - unless you get bullying, abuse or pure crazy, in which case you step away for a bit. It may make no difference to the outcome for your M or his self-destruction, but it will save your sanity and energy for better things.

[Schratz66]

Welcome Didiot,
None of us wanted to end up here but it’s the best place to land. Of course OW makes him feel alive because it’s a fantasy world he gets to escape to for a couple of days every now and then.
I think if you hate the house and feel like moving then by all means do it. I do not believe it will matter as far as reconciliation goes.
This is crazy and all we can do is what is best for us. Nobody knows what happens down the line, so just make sure you do what you want to do.

[Didot49]

Thank you Schratz, I wish I knew what I wanted. Sometimes I am so sure that we will end up together, at other times I want to divorce him and move on. I know he is lost and confused, but he has ripped our family apart. Both of my girls are depressed, but he refuses to acknowledge that any of this could be due to him.

Yesterday after looking at more houses I drove home in a rage, It was the first time I had felt such pure rage towards him. At the moment I wanted to go no contact. Once I calmed down I knew that was a bad idea. I can’t help wondering if by the time he wakes up finally I won’t want him anymore. There’s also the painful realization that he may never want to be with me again. I see brief glimpses of the old him, but the second he feels slightly stressed he withdraws again.

He has started having really bad insomnia again. He falls asleep easily, but wakes up multiple times through the night and then wakes up really early. He says he is barely functioning, and his work is suffering. This is how he was prior to getting his CPAP machine in December. It’s still working well, so his insomnia must be due to something other that sleep apnea. He is concerned about his mother and my youngest daughters depression, our 26th anniversary approaches too. I don’t know how much these things are to blame for his lack of sleep.

I type this in the movie theater waiting to watch ‘Finding your Feet’ . A movie about a woman who is cheated on, and has to move on. A little to close for comfort I think! However, I’m a Brit living in the US and I couldn’t resist a British movie with a star studded cast, plus the opportunity to wallow in self pity!

[OffRoad]

Hi Didot,

Yours is following MLC script quite well. I'm sorry this has happened to you.

I would suggest that you don't tell him to do whatever he wants with OW anymore. It won't make a difference, and in his MLC mind, he could equate that with "Didot doesn't love me anymore, she's pushing me to OW." and throw that at you. They'll throw anything at you to see if it will stick to you. You could say "The Sky is blue." and an MLCer will interpret that as "The sky is really a cloudy grey and she thinks it's blue. She has no respect for my opinion."  No, seriously, it sometimes gets really crazy. It's best to not mention anything he does or doesn't do, unless it's to be polite, like a thanks for helping with something.

Everything is your fault, he will take no responsibility for anything. To this day, I still can't wrap my brain around that, but that's MLC for you.

You mentioned he was concerned about his mother. Is there cause for concern? Or is it just because his dad died?

[Didot49]

OffRoad, his mother started taking anti-depressants about six months after his Dad died. She was doing really well, but the anniversary of his Dad’s death has just passed and it’s seems to have made his mothers depression worse again. She’s always been a bit dramatic anyway, and is prone to saying that she doesn’t want to be here anymore.

Since telling H that I was letting him go, and that he was free to contact the OW, I asked him once if he did. He said yes, because he feels bad about how he split with her and admitted they have arranged to meet up. I thanked him for his honesty and said that they were bound to fall into each other’s arms and start up again. He said not necessarily!

I haven’t mentioned her since, but I’m sure they are talking regularly. He is traveling again from next Monday, so will no doubt be meeting up with her regularly. He has stopped phoning me altogether, I don’t know if this is due to his increased depression or because things are ramping up with her. I am trying to detach and not care. We are separated. He is free to do as he chooses. In letting him go, I knew he would contact her anyway, giving him permission was my way of taking back some control.

My sister says the other day ‘ so your plan of letting him go didn’t work’! That was two weeks ago! I’m playing the long game here. It’s a marathon, not a sprint! My H said he didn’t see a way forward for us and that there was no spark. He wasn’t ready to reconcile anyway. I’m just hoping I have done the right thing. Before that I was clinging on to him for dear life, and that wasn’t working for sure.

This whole situation is so tough. I second guess myself all the time. I know that to come back he has to see me as the better option. Even in letting him go, I told him that I still had hope for us. He figures he’s given it his all ( yeah right!).

[OffRoad]

I suppose that is my point. Do what you do for you, not trying to control the situation. We didn't break them, we can't fix them and the only person we have control of is ourselves. (i.e You are not his mother to give him permission to do *whatever*, if you see what I mean.) Letting him go, that is for you. You can't control him, anyway, so better to leave him to his MLC and take care of yourself and your kids. Sure, be kind, pave the way. Treat him as feels right to you. If you only do what you need for yourself and your kids, with no thought of how it will affect your MLCer, you won't have to second guess anything because you are being true to yourself. For myself, I never told my MLCer I set him free or really anything. I just left him to his own devices, since he didn't care a whit for my feelings anyway. Your mileage may vary.

Him saying he's given it his all it script, you know that. No spark, script. No way forward, script. In his mind, there is something external out there (OW at the moment) that is going to make him HAPPY! He doesn't realize that true happiness comes from within.

Your sister will not understand. She will likely think you should "just move on". It took a while for me to get my family to understand that I was going to hold on until (I didn't know "until" what at the time, but I was going to stand until I couldn't any longer). My until happens to be when the Divorce finally comes through (if ever), and my family was thrilled when they discovered I at leave had a time frame.They only want what they think is best for me, but they don't understand.

I can understand the anniversary of his father's death being a trigger for his mom. It may well be a trigger for him, too, and he is projecting his own upset by being worried about his mom. It's a way to avoid his own feelings.

Yes, this is very tough. One minute at a time, one hour at a time, one day at a time. I look at the folder on my computer I created for all the documents I knew I'd have when I started all this, and I still remember the pain and sorrow from when I created it. But 3 years later, I don't feel it so much anymore. Three years seemed like an eternity back then. It does get easier.

[Didot49]

OffRoad, when put like that, I get your point. I should have left him to it, but at that point I was caught in the trap of wanting relationship talks. Since finding out that he did contact the OW, and set up a meeting, I have laid off talking about us or the OW. I have backed off completely and given him space. Unfortunately the more space I give him the more he seems to withdraw.

To be honest it was all exhausting me emotionally and I really needed some space from him too.

I can’t figure out what stage he is at given that he seems to be in replay, depression and withdrawal all at once. How is an extremely depressed guy with low self esteem atttractive to anyone?

[nah]

I can’t figure out what stage he is at given that he seems to be in replay, depression and withdrawal all at once. How is an extremely depressed guy with low self esteem atttractive to anyone?

Well, a guy like that would not be attractive to a normal person.  The other women tend to be broken themselves.

[Didot49]

So, it’s been an interesting week! I have felt such anger all week, bordering on rage. My 26th wedding anniversary was Wednesday. I had told my husband that I didn’t want to celebrate it in any way. On the morning of the anniversary I found a card on the drivers seat of my car. Not an actual anniversary card, and he didn’t mention the word anniversary. He thanked me for our girls and the good years, and wished me well in the future. I have to confess that the card felt like a slap across the face. I was pleased that he FaceTimed me briefly that night. Again, no mention of the day, but it felt like progress that he called. I kept the conversation light. I think it went pretty well.

H deliberately planned a overnight business trip for that day. I knew I would mope around the house if I didn’t make plans so I booked a spa day with a friend. We went for happy hour after and then I spent the evening at my bookclub. It turned out to be quite a nice day considering.

Today my daughter is at a formal weekend with her boyfriend. I knew the formal was due to be in Breckenridge, which is where my husband, was with the OW, when I discovered his affair. Just received photos from her and she’s at the exact same hotel where my husband and his OW stayed for three days. Definitely triggering! I won’t tell my daughter the significance of where she is. Feeling sad though.