Update

So, I just saw a picture of my ex with another young woman from my home country. I‘m emphasizing this because when he BDed me, he told me the reason why the marriage failed was because we had two different cultures. So much about culture, now he‘s unto the next girlfriend who comes from where I come from. That‘s after I guess he broke up with the sporty one and from his pattern I guess he cheated on that one with this new girl. And the journey continues. To be honest, I don‘t think the case with my ex was just Mlc, I am almost convinced he‘s just a habitual cheater and a liar. And as painful and horrifying what I experienced in 2019, in hindsight I‘m glad I‘m out of that marriage. I think it was hard for me to process it because I saw him they way I wanted to see him and turned a blind eye on how he actually mentally and emotionally abused me. I am glad I am out of that toxic dynamic. That doesn‘t mean I don‘t love my xh, I think I still do because after all we also shared some good moments. But now I can safely say , even if I‘m not in a relationship, I will never come back to that person again. I firmly closed that door because I realized, this person is nor capable of a lasting relationship and of being a loyal and respectful partner. He will always be seeking for validation from another woman and he will always be seeking for novelty and the adrenaline it gives him. And for those who are new in this please focus on your life and what is front of you. Build yourself and do not waste your time waiting for a big return. If they return and you are willing to accept, then it‘s a double win for you as you have become a better person and you have your partner back. If they don‘t, you still win because you have become a better version of yourself. Keep taking that step forward in front of you even if it‘s scary. You will have a different satisfaction of yourself once you find your authentic self again detached from the MLC monkey show.  I wish everyone here a true healing and a peaceful life away from the MLC $h!teshow. It’s my 7th year now since MLC and I feel that the distance between me and my ex has reached a point of no return. No more hopes, no more longing. I still remember good and fun memories but I don’t wish to be back with him anymore and I don’t hate him anymore. I finally opened my eyes and see him for what he truly is and I don’t want such person in my life.

Totally forgot how fun it is to journal here

Anyway, living with live-in is weird. She had a 5 day shopping spree (from dust till dawn stores), and all was happy-happy-joy--joy. Even I seemed magically happier  to her eyes when I briefly saw her hitting the bed  now that dopamine high is over, she is having a very bad dopamine hangover. Last night she had a massive rant that continued this morning.

Possibly funniest part of her rant was when she said I too must (not should, but MUST) have a therapist, and learn/change mybways - as she does not want to be only one with flaws and quirks. I admitted having  my own flaws, and reminded that I had 18 months of therapy prior to meeting her, and in total i have spent 7 years self-learning behaviour and psychology - and I am currently very able of dealing with my own emotions. That though I do feel anxiety, loneliness etc same way as her, I express and process them differently.

And I already have a therapist that i see now and then.
 What I left out is that i dont see my therapist for advice, but as safe place where I can unload all the emotions I cannot unload to her.

Not sure, but I feel she is very hard trying to get me explode or react, so she could run off without guilt. But as she gets just calm out of me, she is wearing her energy out slowly but surely.   

So weird is this process.

Alvin

Help, I wanted to respond to you.

The healing is slow, I've found as well.  Very slow, much slower than I thought it might be.  Way back when someone wise told me to put away the calendar, that it takes as long as it takes.  There are some who say that we can speed it along by doing certain things, I don't actually believe that.  I suppose we can hinder it, but on the whole I think we all do the best we can at any one point in time. 

And healing means different things for each of  us, I think; I also think it's a process -- I never woke up one day and thought "that's, I'm done, I'm healed".  What I think happens is that the rest of life gets bigger, and the bit that hurts seems smaller in comparison. 

Hang in there,

Thanks JB. I'll hang in here 😂

Today witnessed teenager "dopamine hunting" behaviour. I went out shopping personal items and groceries, and told I will be back in 2 hours to make family dinner. In meantime CW had run off with one of my girsl for fun & fast food at Target, and left my son at home alone.

So, um and sigh, just like having an extra teenager.

All in all understanding the "why" (teenager behaviour = dopamine rush) makes it easier to understand.

Alvin

I absolutely love Taos, it holds some of my fondest memories from many many years ago. I’m glad you posted, it made me think about my past trips there. ☀️