[Returned]

After an absence of 10 years and 9 months, xH now says he is home to stay. It is hard to imagine the time that has passed, I never imagined MLC could last this long.

Bomb drop was 2011 after 25 years of marriage and two kids. I adored my husband, there were problems but nothing I thought we couldn't work on. When he told me I was incredulous. Why would someone leave a wife and two kids who adored him?

His case was the worst I have ever seen or heard of. When he left he had already replaced me with a new family complete with children and in-laws. He threw out his clothes, quit his job, destroyed his career, moved out of the country. When I would see him his expression was angry and his comments to me and to others about me were cruel. He had shark eyes. He was unrecognizable. He posted photographs with OW clinging to his leg and with her kids and in-laws, but no pictures of our kids.

Our family was shattered, my kids, S18 and S25 at that time were devastated. There had been no warning.

Throughout I insisted on seeing him every 3 to 6 months. Each time I saw him he was strange, cold, distant and had shark eyes. I never mentioned OW. I sat and listened, we talked about the kids. No eye contact. We divorced in 2013. For 7 years I did volunteer work in the country he had moved to, then I moved back to the States to make a home for the kids. The kids eventually moved in with me back in my hometown.

When the pandemic hit I quarantined with my youngest. Then a strange thing happened, my MLCer asked to come home. The first time it was only for 2 weeks, then another trip it was for 3 weeks, then 4 weeks, then 2 months. On the first trip he wouldn't look at me, he would avert his gaze. No eye contact. He still seemed strangely angry. He would receive packages for OW at my house  . I kept wondering if I should throw him out because he was still with OW, but I remembered how Mamma  Bear had let her MLCer come home, and I decided it was worth a try.

This is his sixth visit, he came home 7 weeks ago and when he got here he told me "I am here to stay". He has begun working at a job. He wants to live with us. He didn’t bring much luggage though.    He has a separate bedroom.

I can see from his expression that he is no longer in replay. Shark eyes are gone. He spends time with his kids. He is considerate in his actions. My kids are happier than they have been for years to be living with their dad.

He is no longer the same person. It is hard to crack a joke with him or get him to be light-hearted. He shuns most of his former friends. Nonetheless he is home, and for the sake of my family I am truly happy.

xH has taken GS12 to school almost every day since getting here, and he cooks frequently. I try to avoid him cooking because I feel like it stresses him out a lot. He gets very focused on whether we eat his food, and since our taste in food is quite different from his and our boys are very informal about meals and mealtimes it brings on some stress.  He tries very hard to contribute to the household, and he gets upset if things go wrong.

I am often perplexed by this new person. We were married for 27 years and our oldest child is 36. xH's face has changed a lot since he left and he wears new glasses which are very different from his old glasses. At times I find myself staring at him trying to recognize him.

He is older, more serious, and very cautious. The man I remember was impetuous compared to the one he is now. He works hard for acceptance. He is very sensitive and I have to choose carefully every word I say to avoid misinterpretation. He hears criticisms in his imagination. I often wonder if the OW was very demanding or critical.

My xH was at one time a brilliant and well-read person. After BD he in many ways seemed to have lost touch with reality, and his writing was intermittently confused and jumbled. I have piled stacks of reading material on tables, and between that and his new job I have noticed a marked difference after a few weeks in his ability to engage in reasoned conversation

He is becoming aware of his family and starting to understand our situation. Our sons have responded well, if cautiously, to his return. There is a missing decade, but they very much want him to heal and to succeed. They are deeply relieved to see their parents together.

The most concerning part: he has stated that he still has a relationship, but given no details. My best guess is that OW lives 3000 miles away. Did she send him here to get money?

We never, ever, bring up the OW. At first, I was the one who felt that the topic was off-limits. I felt that by acknowledging the OW it would give her power. Now I feel like he is used to me not mentioning her. I can't imagine that their relationship is very good if he has moved away and moved back in with me, but he is far from opening up about exactly what is going on.

I realize that this is not exactly the homecoming I imagined. But it is a homecoming nonetheless. We are a family again.

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

Thanks for the update and information.

The most concerning part: he has stated that he still has a relationship, but given no details. My best guess is that OW lives 3000 miles away. Did she send him here to get money?

Right now, you don't need to put your mind or energy towards OW. Not your relationship to worry about. However, there will have to be a time for accountability. He disrespected you and your children.  Went and played family with another woman for a decade. You can't pretend it didn't happen. No hiding it under the rug. The past ten years, it was all a dream.  That is not going to happen and trying to bury it will not help either one of you.

I advise you to read the articles by Heart's Blessing. I never have gone through this and there are no easy stages to reconciliation. However, each one is important to truly have a marriage again- not for him, but for you.

Keep posting and I do pray and hold out hope for you.

((((Ready))))

[Treasur]

Well, gosh, i’m not very often rendered speechless...but blimey.
Not sure I have anything in the way of useful advice but I hope others here who have returned MLCers will chime in.

I’m assuming from what you post that you wanted his return, even after such a long time, as you let him move in to ‘stay’? And that bc you are divorced, you are practically and financially protected regardless of whether he stays or goes again?

I suppose my only thought regarding your ‘now what do I do’ question is that it must feel rather strange to suddenly have this live in xh/roommate. That he is not a lot of what he was before....that the lines must feel a bit fuzzy. And I imagine that it is going to take some time for you to get to learn what kind of version of himself he is now and what feels like an appropriate role for him to play in your life and in family life. I’m sure it feels like one hell of an adjustment though when you have been single and doing your own thing for so long. Does he seem to expect you to behave like the old wifely you? Or to find the adjustment difficult too?

I guess the uncomfortable nub, reading between the lines, is that you’re not perhaps sure why he has done this. That he announced it more than asked? And it sounds as if he still communicates in that marvellous MLC indirect word salad way  so you’re not at all sure what is going on re ow/his old life or what his intentions are.  Or how much of it is about a relationship with you as opposed to anything else. (Which anecdotally is not uncommon, I think, but perhaps a useful reminder that most reconnected LBS would say that they do not come home magically fixed but often still a bit MLCish)

Out of interest, do you have any boundary lines in the current situation that, if crossed, would cause you to ask him to leave? And what does his presence in your life/home now make easier or more difficult with the shape of your own new life that I guess you had to build and that has a lot of new things in it? I would guess that it probably pushes you back towards needing some of those basic LBS skills....a level of detachment and boundaries and consciously reminding yourself to focus on your own needs and GAL?

Like most LBS here, I spent a couple of years hoping that my then h would return. Now some years on, I would find that unimaginably difficult tbh. Unsettling enough actually that, in my case, I’m not sure I would want that. So i’m lucky perhaps that the universe has not put me in that position lol. But I think the one thing we do learn as LBS is that life can throw you some unexpected plot twists and that there is more than one way to respond to them so it is useful to not be so quick to judge others’ choices or our own!

I do hope others with similar experiences will come along to be more useful to you than I can be.
I guess bc you posted, that suggests to me that you might feel you need some support? Are there particular things that would be useful for you right now? And, wrt to your title question, do you know what you want to do from here and why?

Wishing you and your family all the best.

[UrsaMajor]

I am another one that will need a crane to pick up my jaw off the floor.....

My first reaction is "How ..... odd."  He comes back, says he is there to stay but still has an R with the OW? MLC gobbledy-gook at its finest. If he was there to stay, OW would be out of the picture.

Stress with the family and kids is a normal part of a normal family life. Apparently he is not too resilient when it comes to stress....

Is he seeing an IC? Would he?  To my untrained ear, it sounds as if he would benefit from one, if for no other reason than to figure out what he wants and how to deal with life in general.

But that is just my 2 cents worth from row 122 in the cheap seats - and someone whose Mid-Lifer is still off in the tunnel.....

[xyzcf]

I have heard of others who after many many years show back up and it isn't an easy thing to deal with, especially if this is something the LBSer has always wanted. Some are able to express that they are ready to do the work it takes, while others are still mute, and perhaps never will talk about what happened.

I think it was dancingintherain's husband who kind of showed up this way and eventually they worked things out but it took a while.

When I read you story, I ask...who knows what is ever going through a MLCer's head? What would be the reason at this point to move back into your home? Most outsiders would not understand this (well I don't understand it either) and I guess it's rather pointless to try to figure it out.

They are perhaps still conflict avoiders, but then I am too.

I realize that this is not exactly the homecoming I imagined. But it is a homecoming nonetheless. We are a family again.

This I understand. And for this reason, I would be ok with his returning....although not sure I'd want him to live with me...I don't know.

Just like when BD hit us, we don't know what we will do or how we will respond until it happens to us.

Yeas ago a woman from my church approached me and said "keep doing what you have been doing". I had attended her 50th wedding anniversary party and this couple were very loving towards one another and then she told me this:

Her husband had left the family and been away for 18 years. She had raised two young children herself.  Although we met a few times as she was very supportive of what I was going through, she never disclosed why he left or what had happened.

So life is certainly strange and unsettling when dealing with someone who cannot express themselves to us.

Please keep us posted.

[Slow Fade]

Ah the strange workings of the MLC'r, who can know it? While there are lots and lots of commonalities there are just as many differences in what they do and how they act.

Keep reaching out and listen to what you want. Don't start walking on eggshells.

((hugs))

[Returned]

xH has been home for 2 months now, and so far all is good. No storms on the horizon, at least not yet.

As xH has settled in I have seen glimpses of his former self, and fewer appearances of his MLC self. He is becoming slightly less sensitive and not misconstruing so many things. He spends a lot of time hanging out with our sons, and he even cracks jokes sometimes which is good to see. He is telling a few stories from the years he was absent, not much, but a little bit, whereas before he was absolutely hermetic about all aspects of his life. Overall I am happy to be patient. It must be quite a shock to come back from a state of mind where he was imagining adversaries everywhere, and to realize that everyone around him is just plain relieved to have him back. I had always felt that he had somehow demonized us in his mind and this made it impossible for him to see acts of kindness.

I remember once reading here on the forum that the return of MLCers over 65 was very unlikely. It discouraged me at the time. Is he the exception? It seems like it.

[em5731]

Hi Returned.

Does he show any remorse? I have always wondered about if they come back. If mine ever did. I toss is ass right back out. But mine treated me so badly. Is he trying to reconcile or he just a mess.
I will have to read your story. I probably did years ago. Good luck to you.

[xyzcf]

It is very interesting to read how he is settling back in. Please keep posting your observations.

I remember once reading here on the forum that the return of MLCers over 65 was very unlikely. It discouraged me at the time. Is he the exception? It seems like it.

Every situation is different and no one really is an "expert" in predicting who returns....indeed what many people have written long after their spouse leaves, is that some realize that this destroyed something that was good, and they regret it. Some may want to come back but in many many cases, the LBSer has shut that door completely. Others may be quite happy in their new lives while others, although they think about returning just cannot.

It's a mystery and the best we can do is accept whatever our situation is and make decisions about what kind of contact is right for ourselves and for our family.

Thank you for sharing how things are going. As you said, you are being patient and that requires a great deal of energy.

[Evermore]

Hi Returned. As XYZ, said, thanks for sharing your observations. The return stories are all different but one thing they seem to have in common is that they are slooowww and take much patience. Sounds like you have the right attitude!