I agree with Reinventing that it might be useful to turn those questions on their head.
Why?
Bc you are unlikely to get useful answers from your h right now, which I think you know (or you wouldn’t be agonising about asking the questions).
Bc it isn’t just about what he thinks or wants….it’s about you and your children.
Bc focusing on him gives away your own agency and power….and he already did that by leaving and by returning without asking or agreeing a more clear arrangement.
Bc it’s ok to say no, not now, not like this. Bc it’s ok to think about what you need and want now. Or don’t. What is acceptable to live with. Or not.
Bc you can’t control his choices but you can control your own.
Bc he is showing through his actions what he feels works best for him….to slide back as if nothing happened and without talking about it or making a new ‘deal’ on what you should expect of each other from here on.
I imagine that must feel very unsettling for you. Like waiting for another unseen bomb to drop.
So let’s turn those questions around….and it’s ok to take your time and not jump into action. (Anxiety and uncertainty tends to make us want to jump into action, doesn’t it?) and the only opinion that matters is yours bc it’s your life.
I don’t know if we are back together, or he just moved back in but doesn’t see us back together? Do you think you are back together? And what does that answer mean for what feels ok or not ok as a way to live?
I don’t know if he’s still going through his MLC? What does his behaviour look and feel like? How close to ‘normal h’ does he seem? What if it wasn’t an MLC at all? What difference does the answer make to you?
Is he in acceptance stage? As above? There’s a saying here that if you’re confused, they are still MLCish. You might want to go back and reread some of the MLC descriptions….does he look like someone who is in that place of deep reflection?
Or will the monster come back? To be honest, I am scared. What are you most scared of? What do you see and hear that triggers fear? And how might you protect yourself, based on what you have learned so far? What would make you feel safer, regardless of what happens?
Like after the BD, how he treated me the past 4 months, how do we start again? Do you want to? Do you feel ready to? Do you feel able to? What would feel like a first small step in that? What would he need to do differently that would feel as if he was doing his part of that? What are you prepared to do or not do yet?
How do I deal with this? What is ‘this’? And what would ‘dealing with it well’ look like to you?
How do i start the conversation? When can I have “the talk?” What is stopping you from starting it? Do you know what you are trying to achieve? Or what you will do if it doesn’t unfold the way you want? What do you fear if you do or you don’t?
Should I wait? What do you feel you are waiting for? What might happen if you do nothing?
You will see that these questions now are not about him, they’re about you.
Which doesn’t make them easy questions so you might want to breathe and take your time.
Boundaries are not about what other people do or say….they are essentially about what feels ok to you as a way to live and what does not. And you can’t have them without answering the basic question of what feels ok enough to you right now. And what absolutely does not, for you and your kids. Do you know? If not, I’d hold any big conversation until you feel clearer about that.
Bc one of the things that goes along with our own boundaries is that other people don’t have to like them, agree with them or act in a way that respects them. Just that the price of a ticket into our lives includes them
…..if you’re not ok with the price, that’s ok but then you are not included. I think honestly that this is one of the biggest barriers to acting on our own boundaries….we fear the other person saying No and what we will need to do then to respect our own needs and wants. We fear what might happen if we have boundaries….or we might have convinced ourselves over time that it is not nice or kind or fair or reasonable to have them. Or that we’ll be rejected if we do.
And truthfully, boundaries are not about words, they are about actions, our actions. In all walks of life, we have them, but sometimes we don’t know what they are until someone gallops across them. So, let’s say, if you were in a store and a stranger just went in your purse bc they wanted some spare change to pay the cashier…you’d probably be pretty shocked, right? But you might feel quite comfortable offering a stranger some extra cash if you see that they had forgotten their purse or were a couple of dollars short? Or you might not….bc people have different versions of what feels ok or inappropriate in given circumstances. But, in the store situation, your response would communicate your boundary….we show people what we will accept from them really rather than tell them. Same with kids….we can use a million words lol, but they learn from our responses what we actually find ok or not ok as a parent. And what happens next - which they may or may not like much - if they choose the ‘not ok’ behaviour.
What do you think your behaviour right now is communicating to your h and your kids and yourself about where your boundary lines are, about what is ok and what is not? How close is that to your actual boundaries? Or where you want them to be?
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Advice please?