Today as I was cleaning, I finally decided to let go of my wedding gowns. They had been sitting in my cellar for years since my xh brought them to me in his old suitcase. Until today, I couldn’t let go of them as they had sentimental values. When I opened the suitcase today, I realized those emotions are gone. I felt like I was ready to let go of them. It’s such a freeing feeling. One day at a time.

Thank you for the validation xyzcf. I cannot imagine how you felt when your husband died. Even if it was just a dream that my ex husband died from an accident, I felt so much pain I never thought I still had. Like I said it must be emotions that I suppressed for a long time so I can forget about my ex and move on. But sometimes in our sleep when we have these unguarded moments, I think they do come out and yes without warning. The quote you mentioned about love hits hard on me. I mentioned it a number of times here, that a part of me still loves my xh and I guess I have been forcing myself to not feel that anymore because it’s unfair for me to still have those feelings while my xh is obviously moving on like nothing happened. I have to learn to accept I guess that perhaps it won’t go away and that I have to live with it.

Goos point their reinventing. It makes me wonder too. It’s been 7 years going on 8 since BD and some of those pains inflicted on me have not been totally resolved yet. There are times though seldom that I get reminded and it still makes me angry. And there are times, especially when I see how sweet he is with whoever is with now, where it still affects me and makes me question if there was really something wrong with me. I have to be honest that I still have those feelings. I don’t play the victim role here but I still do have those feelings of being betrayed. I don’t cry anymore or sulk but they do come like being poured with cold water. I think this will probably remain in me, probably one of the cruelest effect of having been cheated or betrayed. Perhaps if you are in a new relationship, you’d forget about it. Only time can tell.

I wonder if, to some extent, this is not fully resolved even with many years. It does get much much better, but the injustice of it all that the LBS feels may not completely be closed. Even wirh understanding the MLC forces, moving forward, healing, happiness in life moving forward, I think a little piece remains unresolved and I wonder if that remains for many folks.

Just like remembering things from life that were not like we think they should have been that we remember. We mostly don't want to address those, but we don't forget them and they come to mind from time to time. And this was a big one, so likely to take much longer to get to a low or very low level of needing resolving (e.g. detachment and acceptance).

Thank you UrsaMajor.

You know my therapist really helped me the first time with seeing her. I really liked meeting her and I was very impressed with her however I was already impressed by her because we had communicated for 2 years before we met.

I did like her family and they also impressed me. I was just telling her how I also had toxic inlaws so her entire package she presented was a breathe of fresh air.

We did have plans after that April to see each other again but I canceled on her last minute. Being indecisive and scared to make a decision are hallmarks of being in an abusive relationship.

Yes I went back to my x because her toxicity was normal to me. Here there was a really good woman interested in me and I couldn't give up the toxic one.

Yes after I filed for divorce I felt more comfortable seeing her. She looked so good that September 2019 when I saw her. It's imprinted in my brain how she looked that day and how happy she was to see me finally again. It had been 17 months and she was so nervous lol. She took me on a 2 hour drive to find dinner after I had just driven 5 hours.

We saw each other February 2020 and I was ready to cancel on her last minute. I remember talking to Thunder and told her I couldn't go through with it.

I had to always force myself to make a decision to see her and it was always spur of the moment last minute. Like she had 2 or 3 days to prepare. Meanwhile after I made the decision it was soul crushing.

I would toss and turn. I couldn't sleep. There was a huge weight on my chest always telling me to back out. That was the abuse talking to me. It was very hard to push through it at times. It was terrible at night and I just had to make it through the morning and I would be fine. So I'm glad I did not cancel February 2020 because that trip did lay some groundwork for us and the pandemic was about to hit.

So it would be another 15 months before we would see each other again in May 2021. I saw her twice that year. I brought my son up the 2nd time but did not introduce the two. I thought maybe on future visits had he come I would have been more comfortable doing so.

She is a wonderful giving woman and I would have been proud to introduce my son to her. Yes she made me nervous with our Luke Combs moment in Dec 2021. It was really innocent on her part but I felt she wanted more from me.

So I canceled MLK weekend plans with her in 2022. It was no longer about being indecisive or scared to make a decision because of abuse patterns. I was just scared to take a chance with her.

We didn't talk for 4 months and I just found comfort in the silence never realizing it was such a huge trigger for her. I told her afterwards that I used poor coping mechanisms and I would never do that to her again and I haven't.  I think she finally broke through to me and again she was a bit forceful in her sisters backyard that day but I needed it.

She always was and has been a wonderful woman. I just wasn't ready for her at times and I have always been there for her once we went official and I have never looked back.

Meanwhile I am so glad you remembered where you parked your car that night in Germany because I think she would have been upset had I never made it back to the states, lol.