The cabin thing is kind of stupid.

My parents gifted half to me and half to my sister as they are getting older and the upkeep was too much for them so it was stressing them out. This gift giving and signing the papers happened 9/2024. So H had already fallen head over heels forWW! I discussed with him is it okay that my parents gift me half of the cottage and H okeyed it. Had I known of his infatuation I would have adviced my parents differently!

In their testaments, spousal rights to inherited property are denied from spouses of daughters. But as they gifted me my half of the cabin they left that clause out of the papers, as H has helped fix and build things at the cabin and he was supposed to be the worlds’ most trustworthy man and the guy who would do most of the repairs there in the future (my sister’s spouse is no good). And also my parents wanted to show H they appreciate everything he did there while they still owned the cabin.

Well stupid is an understatement in this case but I cannot think of a better word.

So true Offroad. Thank you for the reflections and insights. I do think D34 should be in a more mature place. It’s funny because she can be very mature, but if it is upsetting or emotions are involved she looses all rationale. What I have noticed is that in the past year I have not buckled to it and it does seem that she does circle back around and each time it does seem that she can handle a little more and is starting to realize that maybe, just maybe she is starting to push me to no return.

 It was my birthday last week and I stated to a few close friends that it would be the opportunity for her to break the silence. She unblocked  me on social media ( that alone was immature and controlling) and I think she thought I would reach out, but I did not. The day after my birthday she messaged me and  and said Happy Birthday. We were so sorry we missed it, but with the baby days role into each other.  Etc etc.

We have her cousins coming in 2 weeks for 4 days and I knew she would need to mend things with me. She continued to message me throughout the day with light chatter. I think she needed the awkwardness to not be there. I do know that O am now not willing to discuss what happened as that door is closed. She shut things down and I just want to move forward. I will also shut down any talks on her father. Thats their relationship or non relationship and he and I have none. I am no longer willing to be the therapist in the situation.

So we shall see how next week goes. At least she broke the silence. That is a first. I felt I needed to stand firm on the disrespect and I am glad for what ever reason I didn't have to be the peace maker again. Im looking forward to a nice family weekend. A full house.  It’s a rarity since the MLC bomb blew up our world.

I had a feeling come over me…almost like the clock is ticking.  Or a realization that there probably won’t be enough time for her to get through her MLC before D.  Sure there is time, probably will take 9-12 months if I had to guess if it all goes down.  And I’ve heard stories of people dismissing on the day of. W could pause/dismiss at any time, but I guess I’ve come to accept that fate.  I’ve realized it’s never been a need and only a want.  I just hope that with detaching that the want doesn’t dwindle to a point where then I don’t want to R. 

First off.....


Second, MLC is an ultra-marathon slog through mud that has the consistency of Tar.... This is not a "9-12 months) time span..... If the circumstantial evidence here is any indication, the "normal MLC" runs in the area of 5-9 YEARS. so if the D is coming in less than a year, there is virtually NO way in Hades that she's going to be even close to getting through the first stages in a year, let alone returning to realty from Schmoopie-land.

Is "Zit popping" really part of your duties now that she has decided that you are 2nd cousin to Beelzebub? Married partners might do this for one another but, if she has decided to end the marriage... well... You have been fired (or relieved) relieved from duties as Zit Popper in Chief.... whether she is casting an eye on your junk or not is irrelevant, as is having her girls hanging out there on display.... This could be nothing more than an attempt to see if she can still get a rise out of you after treating you like a 5-week old dead fish....

Thank you again Treasur and forthetrees!

All the comments on this thread are so good, I keep going back and rereading them.

I guess I need to be a grown woman and lawyer up. I will schedule a meeting with the second lawyer that was recommended to me. Very good points and ideas for what to discuss with the lawyer. Will write them up and take notepaper and pen with me. And I will also stare the beast in the eye and calculate a monthly budget for me and the kids living in our house.

I have been feeling so overwhelmed and bewildered (and frankly beaten and stomped on even though there has been NO physical violence) that it is hard to function but this is something that needs to be done soon. I have been concentrating on my feelings and emotional survival but this Forum has helped me so much you don´t believe it (or maybe you do) and I realize it is time to think of finances going forward. (The biggest impact this charade has on the boys, but I cannot even let those thougts enter my consciousness or I become so mad that *I* want to divorce immediately and break things and scream! But seeing the lawyer is also helping the kids.)

H does not indeed have any written or verbal plan, originally after BD he was like: i will rent a cheap small studio and go there to think about my life and probably drink awful lot and become so depressed I can´t work. (BD was after WW had the same day told H that she doesn´t want PA and she has repeated that at a later date).

Okay so I said that you are a father and that isn´t possible. He then thought he would come visit the kids ar our house. I told him he can´t just come and go as he pleases and date women or drink all the rest of the time. I suggested living in the house week/week and getting the studio for him for every other week and on his child weeks I could have stayed at my parents´. So the kids could live at home all the time. Of course this wasn´t what he wants as he could not then have made it appear to WW that we are divorced. So, he ended up getting a bigger flat and agreeing on a week/week arrangement. I agreed because at that point I was so mad and thought I need child-free time to date too. I have since changed my mind and would like to have the boys more, as him having them so much is only going to make running the everyday life more difficult and I know he is not up to doing half of the life admin. Oh well, i need to step back as much as possible and only intervene if it looks like one of the kids will truly suffer. A missed friend´s birthday or going to school at the wrong time and missing a field trip will not be my responsibility on dad week.

H has no plan for finances, car, dog, anything! If I try to discuss he will be demanding more and more to himself or accusing me of greediness so I have stopped discussing these things with him. I am kinda hoping that he will keep paying the mortgage and leave the car if we just don´t discuss things any more. (I know seeing a lawyer will help.) It seems he just needs to run away from me in some kind of panic? (Funny that he can spend time as family at the cabin however?)

Also at the cottage H is almost all the time like his old self, but his brain is NOT functioning normally. For example two days ago I was playing chess with S8 (now 9). H came to observe. H is better at chess than me or the kid, but as he would comment on our moves he couldn´t keep it in his mind for two moves who is playing white and who is playing black? Ok I don´t know is his brain is just this messed up, or if he is thinking of WW and/or the tinder women all the time, but that is not normal for him. He is normally very good at board games and math and can concentrate totally on stuff like that. There have been several instances when he cannot count a simple thing like 5+4+2 is more than 6+3? He practically did math for a living before his new position at work!

It helped me to, repeatedly, say to myself 'why I am feeling bad for someone else's actions'.  I too was hoping (I gave up expectations really early into this festival) for some sort of apology, especially after my xH eventually realised it was him, and that he was, to quote him 'going through something'. He even told me he was ashamed and didn't know why he did certain things. But then he hardened his shell again, and did more bad. And this is the thing, we cannot hang our coats on anything a fractured person does or says alas. Because the are all over the place emotionally. If we are able, we can be kind. We can try to empathize, but we cannot expect anything from them. For me, keeping my values and integrity was important to my own healing. I did not want to pickle in my own bitter juices.

My second wave of peace came when I got an apology for myself. I know, as well as one can, what happened. I know that what happened was not my fault. I was a good wife and partner. Good enough, that is....

The only comment that I have is on the first part... I personally feel bad for my kids.  They didn't choose this but will feel the effects.  They are going from a great mom and family to idk what you want to call it...