It doesn’t mean anything.
Ex husband reached out yesterday . It's been months of nothing but polite necessities. I say almost nothing usually.....in my opinion.....there's nothing left to say.....he did what he did. He left without a conversation or explanation, no long phone calls or drawn out anything....just a hastily scribbled note on a notepad underneath a list of my current bills I had been working on. Apparently that's all he thought our 15 year relationship and marriage warranted. Then he packed his stuff and left on a Tuesday while my son was at school and I was at work.
so I gave myself closure....I gave my brain a story that was empowering to me and let the door swing shut on my old life. There was love there, and beautiful memories....but there was emotional abuse there, and loneliness, and neglect, and in the end an enormous amount of heartache.
Today he answered a question about a car warranty for me. I thanked him for answering so promptly which opened the door just enough for him to make it a relationship conversation.
He stated he was horrible about responding to me over the last 15 years.
To which I replied
"I don't know what to say to that. The truth is, you were bad at that. The other truth is....I wasn't your priority....work was...and I should have taken that hint when it was given. You were honest in your words and actions that work was more important than family. I should have believed you. I got hurt because I didn't want to believe that truth. I wanted you to be what I was and what I wanted.....which is a person that thinks family is most important. I shouldn't have tried to change you."
He said
"It's not as black and white as that. I struggle with confidence and basic human needs and self esteem. I struggle with how I view myself and true self honesty and self worth. That being said, I ASSUMED that you and s16 would always be there and if I could just achieve and achieve and achieve we would have the life that I envisioned us having. Never anticipated that those thoughts were 1 not real, 2. Mine and not yours, 3. Fair, 4. Realistic , 5. Based on collective 2 way planning. They were just what I thought and expected all to be ok with that. I was way off base and in some ways it was controlling and manipulative "
Me:
"You are correct in that it is only my perspective from which I view the past.
Recent circumstances have taught me that you cannot change another person and that you must honestly face who they are and what their actions are telling you....not just avoid reality by deluding yourself that you can change them.
I thought I could love you into being the person I thought you should be. You thought you could control or manipulate me into seeing things from your point of view. It was toxic and immature on both of our accounts. "
me:
"I'll be honest....my focus isn't on you, what you did wrong, what you should or shouldn't have done.....I have no control over the actions of other people.
So I keep myself focused on me. On what I need to heal or repair in me. On what part I played. On my actions, inactions, or role I had in the relationship.....because me is the only thing I can change."
Conversations like this always make my brain want to pick it apart and analyze it and try to discover some meaning or intuit some expected outcome. I refuse to let my mind wander down that path.
it doesn't mean anything....the reason people have these conversations is mainly to understand themselves and their choices and actions better......it isn't often about me or understanding me.
but I do want to examine me and what I said and my own motivations. It causes me anxiety to speak with him.....I know this because it makes my jaw ache every time I do.
so why did I reply....why did I allow the conversation? Why did I say so much. What was I trying to accomplish? Why am I still attempting to mitigate the damage his actions caused.
Why am I writing entire novels to a man that thought a note was sufficient for me?
Was I just reacting instead of responding?
why am I explaining myself to a person that still asks me no questions and doesn't seek to understand me or know me?
?
ugh!!! I feel disappointed with myself.