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Our Community / My story
« Latest by MadLuv on February 17, 2025, 09:06:17 PM »
I’m so sorry for your pain. This is a horrible situation, but what does help is to not try and decipher what or why he is doing something or she is doing something and what that may mean for you and your relationship. What you do know is that he is not home. He is choosing this. He isn’t being manipulated by her without wanting to be. We want others to back our feelings, because we want hope and we want to continue to love them. What we really need to do is pour all that time and energy into us.

Let go and let him live what ever mistakes he wants, because he has to live his choices to determine where he wants to be. We dont het to decide where he should be. What really started to help me was to only focus on what he was choosing. It wasn’t me or our life or our family. To this day I find it unbelievable who he did choose. That he doesn’t see his kids. At all!! It gets worse. The more we hang on. So, let him be. Stop trying to figure out where he is. He doesn’t even know where he is mentally.

 Anything you can do to see his actions. His choices and accept them where they are the better. It’s all so hard. Getting a little angry at the injustice of it all and focusing on what they are doing to hurt you and your kids really does help to start shifting your mindset away from them and to start empowering you.
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Our Community / Re: •• Calming the crazy, life after divorce
« Latest by STP on February 17, 2025, 09:24:38 AM »
Journalling

KA and I ended up not going to Winterfest as we both were sick at different times. We did have a fun date night out at the casino seeing a local band we like. I hosted a hike for 21 singles of which most are good friends, followed by lunch. KA had her first time sleeping over at my house on a weekday. I quietly got up and went to work and she was out of my house a couple hours later. I did have a thought if she sat at my secondary computer and went rummaging through folders she could find pics she wouldn’t like… but I feel assured she didn’t do that. We all have skeletons in closets that don’t need to be unearthed.

KA had her D12 for the Super Bowl so buddy JS and I hung out with some other longer known friends at an event. Valentines Day marked my 7th anniversary since my first date with KA and I took her out for a nice dinner and photo of us with her roses. We had talked about dancing and live music after, but both were so full, we stayed in and watched a romantic movie. Oddly DC messaged me “Happy Valentines Day.” Perhaps acknowledging my anniversary to KA?

This past weekend was my Chocolate themed party. KA again was unable to make it due to having D12 several weekends in a row because her XH is out-of-town for work. DC backed out citing her bf had planned something special for them. I never really expected her anyway. She said she’d bring some women friends to the next one. The event was good with 30 some friends attending and I was quite full from eating. I tend to end parties with a final photo in the kitchen with those who still remain at 11:45pm. There were two dating couples, buddy JS, myself and tan blonde TBP. Well the next day after photos were posted KA messaged me very upset, deeming it looked like I was coupled up with TPB because I was standing behind her (really in the spot between two guys). I assured her I wasn’t, and she counted the photos of us taken where we both appeared in the same pic. All but one were group photos. There is some truth that I do like her and we have a lot in common. I am also in the process of filming footage to make a music video from my parties-for the theme song, I recorded in 2016. Much of the footage was TBP (& others dancing) which KA pointed out and she asked if I could possibly take less pics with TBP. Yes I can. Her bestie JKR, is like my new MM. Both women are around me a lot coming to everything I host.

TBP messaged me on Sunday asking about a large plate of hers, she uses often that got left behind, and I said this WED I could drop it off, as I’m heading that way to see KA to pick up some food. I know about where she lives but it will be the first time at her house. Although I don’t like keeping things from KA, revealing that I’m stopping over at a persons house she doesn’t trust, would not go over well. Don't beat me up about this-there's nothing going on.

This upcoming weekend is my annual guys board game weekend with a brother, my best friend, S23 and S25.. It will be very fun.

KAs D12 asked for more mommy time (less of me around) on their weekends, so beginning in March I may not be seeing KA on some Fridays.
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Our Community / Whiplash from clinging boomerang
« Latest by Happylight on February 17, 2025, 09:14:03 AM »
The one thing I have learned is it is rarely as bad as we make it in our heads.

I suspect lunch will be ok.

You guys were right.  Lunch was fine.  I feel a little stiff with him because I really don't have any idea where he is mentally or emotionally right now.

Observations from the cheap seats....
 He continues to stay at the house about six nights a week. He goes to work and comes back home-nothing in between.  On weekends he doesn't go anywhere.  He continues to to be sober.  He plays video games, and stays up late most nights.  He seems withdrawn in terms of affection and his libido seems to have dropped off a cliff, but he is not cold or angry.  He is usually calm and sometimes seems far off, but will help with things that I ask for help with, and doesn't reject hugs or pats of affection. 

He continues to take a back seat with parenting although he connects with our youngest more frequently.  He seems to be giving our oldest two a lot more grace during discussions than he used to.  He will say things like they will get it figured out, or they may mess up, but we will just have to support them (which has usually been my stance), while he has usually been a lot more harsh.  I find that very interesting from a psychological perspective.  I was a kid who pretty much did "the right things." Was a pretty good student, was driven, participated in extra curriculars, stayed out of trouble, had a job, went to college, etc.  I had a few stumbles along the way of course, but he struggled a lot more on his teenage pathway and choices.  Our kids got his ADHD, and have struggled a lot more along the path of entering adulthood (we have a 21 year old and a current high school senior).  I wonder if he was judging them as himself, and now he is trying to give himself more grace and room to make mistakes (which I guess I have done for him).  He has also mentioned ways that he broke their trust in the past--like not showing up to performances or games (which was something that I had always emphasized as being important). 

He seems to be more focused on work and spending more hours working.  He is not a federal employee, but his work has been requiring more time spent in the office and not working remotely.  They have been pushing this for several months now, but for a while, he still would work part of his day remotely and then go into the office for a minimal amount of time.  During heavy replay, I was worried his job would be impacted because of his attitude and amount of time spent with other activities. 

He does not seem to be associated with the motorcycle club any longer.  He hasn't spoken of it in months, his motorcycle has mostly been in the garage for the last several months.  This is also interesting because he had actually been voted President of his chapter last year, and he previously had activities multiple times a week. 

As for me, I finished my 3rd big crocheted blanket for the year.  I also did a few scarves since picking this up a year ago.  I have struggled with some injuries due to working out --rotator cuff tear and tendinopathy in my hip and glute.   This has resulted in regaining about half the weight I had lost--which has been frustrating.  I had hoped cutting out alcohol would benefit me with weight loss, but it has not.  I continue to walk regularly (91 miles in January and 40 so far in February), stretch regularly, do bodyweight exercises and do rehab exercises for shoulder.  I have also continued to learn to play piano for the last two years.  I have used an app and a keyboard to learn, and am now moving on to pre-advanced.  Progress is a lot slower than it used to be, but I do enjoy it, and it is something I have wanted to learn most of my adult life.  I seem to be more focused and on track at work, but also at balance with work.  Previously I may have spent too many hours trying to do everything at work.  I am getting back to reading a bit.  For a while I was doing really well with cooking, but now I am struggling a bit to feel inspired to cook again.  I think some of that is just because I am still carrying a lot of the day to day tasks for the whole family as well as working, trying not to strangle my teenage and pre-teen daughters,  and trying to keep my own mental health together.   I really struggle with allowing myself to have "lazy time," and I find that it is worse when he is at the house all the time. 

I write some of these things in case others are seeing the same things, but also for me to go back and see where we were. 

4
Our Community / Remarried and working on us
« Latest by Happylight on February 17, 2025, 08:19:58 AM »
Thank you so much for providing the insight and we really appreciate your H sharing as well. 
You stated that realizing the mess he made was gradual.  I would be interested in hearing more about the inner thoughts on the processing through.  How did realizing the mess he made look on the outside.  Did he start moving back toward you before he even finished processing all of that or was moving back toward you still partly in the fog at first, or did he start moving back toward you when he was fully snapped out of it? 

Also, where in the timeline did the AA come in?  Was that on his own? 

Again, thank you so much for sharing.
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Our Community / Help Please 5
« Latest by UrsaMajor on February 17, 2025, 03:26:00 AM »
So I am not sure why we are fighting other than I want what I want.

That is the answer in a nutshell... You want it and she want to prevent you from getting it because she hasn't found her "happy" yet either so, if she isn't happy, why should you get what you want?

It is simply another means to try to punish you for the transgressions she has perceived/made up....

But, in the grand scheme of things, trying to figure out why a Mid-Lifer does what they do is like trying to taste green... with your elbow....
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Our Community / Just Getting Started in this Journey 3
« Latest by UrsaMajor on February 17, 2025, 03:20:53 AM »
I remember that phase too but I didn't get any "help" offered (good for you to say "Thanks but no thanks"). I made my apartment mine. MLCxW2 did come over (before the D) for Christmas then and was quite sad as she noted that I had made my apartment quite comfortable for me, each kid had their own bedroom outfitted and I was growing forward with my life while she was wallowing along in her pit of self-made misery.

I too had never had a "place of my own" before so it was an experience to discover exactly what "my" style was.....
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Our Community / Links/Blogs/Articles for us all to share 10
« Latest by UrsaMajor on February 17, 2025, 02:46:54 AM »
Something to consider regarding forgiveness and apologies:

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Our Community / My story
« Latest by Treasur on February 16, 2025, 11:59:35 PM »
If he filed on 20th January, do you have your own lawyer? Bc there are likely to be practical things you need advice on about your rights and obligations. A divorce isn’t just about what he wants and needs, after all. We know it’s hard to even think about these things probably, but finding a way to do so will make a difference to your longer term wellbeing and financial security. And that matters, whatever happens.

It sounds as if you have quite a few links to his new life….phone calls to your friend and FB announcements from ow, plus his ‘requests’ for x or y from you? I would encourage you to try to shut those down as much as you can - tell other people you don’t want to hear, stop following ow on FB, limit how much or how quickly you respond to his ‘requests’ or give him a date by which he should remove any personal items from what is now YOUR home. Why? Bc it makes no practical difference to be exposed to this info and it keeps you hooked on a kind of endless speculation which is bad for your mental health. Don’t get me wrong - we’ve all done it for a while, it’s a kind of trauma response to look for ‘signs’ - but we have all had to teach ourselves to stop.

And filing for divorce is a very concrete action which imho changes the situation you are dealing with. So one needs to change to fit that reality.

Again jmo, but right now ypur goal is probably more about acceptance. Accepting that this is all real and happening and that it is life altering for you. You can still love him, you can still wish it were different, you can even still hope that some time in the future it might be different. But right now, as you said he said, “With or without her, I don’t want to live with you“. THAT is the hard thing to accept but I would encourage you to start living as if you believe him. Bc right now, that is how it is.

And you get to decide if that means you are still in the business of lending board games or sheets, or knowing what he reads, or talking to him about anything much at all. Bc after all, regardless of your responses to his requests so far, or books, or sadz thoughts he shared with your parents, the reality is that he left and he’s not there, is he? Imho everything else is secondary to that tough real factual truth. He left, he’s not there and he has told you he has filed for divorce. That is the current reality that you need to find a way to accept as current reality bc how you feel about it or what he may feel or what ow is feeling doesn’t change that current reality, does it? If the situation changes again, you can adapt accordingly but right now, I would encourage you to start thinking of yourself as a stbxw and him as a stbxh.

What does being an ex-wife mean for you? What do you think you should stop, start or do differently with someone who - no matter how painful it is to be rejected - does not want to live with you and has filed for divorce? What does it all mean for you about how you go about your life as a person and a parent?

But as others have said, I’m so sorry. It’s a hard thing to accept and it takes a bit of time to begin to deal with how things are as opposed to how we wish they were.

It is many years for me since BD and all the insanity that followed it and several years since I had any contact with my xh who also filed and remarried shortly thereafter. No kids, so I have literally no idea if he is even alive let alone what books he reads. I found accepting reality hard and tbh I suffered financially and emotionally bc of that. So I am not saying this to judge, more in the hope that others will not make the mistakes I made. Today, years on, it still feels like a strange tsunami in my life that changed everything for me and I find it pretty much as inexplicable now as I did then. Sometimes it is almost as if I imagined the person I was with for 20 years and that’s a strange feeling. But….the sun is shining here, the birds are singing, I have a good cup of coffee at my side before starting work, I have friends and people who care about me and I am ok. My life is different but I am ok. I am no more and no less a person than I was before the tsunami. Acceptance was hard and slow, a series of experiments really, but I found my own way to it and you will find yours too when you are ready.
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Our Community / My story
« Latest by LC on February 16, 2025, 09:57:51 AM »
My heart goes out to you, Pivoine.
I’m in a similar situation to yours.
H want a divorce see he can by a house.
I can only play the waiting game and get on with my life.
I found better emotional stability and peace of mind when I stopped doing things for him and making decisions based on “us”. 
Your H is truly on a journey, now.
Find what makes you happy, beyond any relationship.
You are doing well and you are going to be just fine.😊
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Our Community / Re: My story
« Latest by Baxter1 on February 16, 2025, 02:50:45 AM »
Sounds like you are staying strong which is great. I’m at about the two year mark and I feel the same way. I constantly reflect on the relationship and realize that although it wasn’t perfect ( I don’t think any relationship is ‘perfect’), I don’t think it was so bad to come to this. I would love to have her back in my life and I still love my W. I think this process is for both them and us. We are both taking a step back I and figuring out our own lives.

My W filed for divorce almost a year ago and it’s moving slowly. I get the feeling she is regretting the decision and I’m hoping it gets delayed as much as possible. Good luck on this journey

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