[Adia]

Hello all,

I do not post anymore, but still find myself reading threads almost nightly. I feel like an old timer as I am almost in my seventh year (BD May 2012) divorced since June 2015.

My ex husband and I rarely see one another but we did see one another for a few minutes this past week. It is very strange to be around someone that you've known for 30 years and feel their uncomfortableness and to silently remind yourself not to reach out and touch them. It kind of broke my heart a little bit and I understand why it's probably best for me not to see him.

He still continues to contact me although he is still in the same relationship he started with ow in early 2011. It has evolved, in my mindset at least, as they bought a house together last July. So the story he told me at BD about not wanting the responsibility of a home and family is ironic....

He seems to have a huge amount of guilt and has been financially (I am thankful) helpful to me and our adult sons, whom both still live with me. My oldest has had an issue with opioid addiction and has wrecked his life multiple times and although my ex helps some, financially, it is I who does the heavy lifting day to day with our kids. I do the 50 hour work weeks and take my oldest to the methodone clinic and his part-time job seven days a week, there is never a day off for me.

 My exh continues to live his new life with ow, hikes excessively, climbs 14ers, and still runs (our), now solely his, company. He has not been able to integrate his two separate lives as our kids want nothing to do with his new family.

He has not introduced ow to his siblings although they are all Facebook friends🙄. When he's traveled back east to visit his siblings he never takes her, but has traveled extensively to be with her family. Weird.

He rarely sees our sons and seemingly has a very close relationship with her adult children, one whom lives with them still. 

I don't know anymore if he is still in his mid-life crisis or if he's out and has just made the conscious choice to stay where he's at with her.

For myself and where I'm at in all of this, I truly question my sanity at times because I still feel love for him. As much as I believed in the beginning of this that we'd survive his crisis and be together again, I think now I'm accepting that we will not.
 
❤️ Adia

[Anjae]

Hi Adia,

Thank you for posting. Seven years? You're and old timer for sure.

I think like many of our spouses your husband is still in MLC. When HS come we weren't aware so many would be having such long term MLCers.

It is really ironic MLCers want no responsability, then buy a home with OW/OM, marry OW/OM and some even have a kid (or more) with OW/OM. Sounds like a lot of responsability to me.

Some MLCers introduce OW/OM to their family, others do not.

You don't know how things will unfold. You may still end up together.

Try to find some time just for yourself. Don't think you can keep doing everything for your adults sons. They're adults. I understand one of them as addiction problems, but can't he found someone to sponsor him?

[Believer]

Hi Adia,

Good to have you share.

It really is difficult to make any sense of how they behave and for how long they drag this out.

My exH doesn’t spend much time with our daughter however like yours seems to have a good relationship with his ow’s children.

I echo your comment about how strange it is to be in their presence and not to reach out. I very much struggle with this aspect. I like you recognize it’s better not to see him.

My daughter only recently met the OW after all these years. She isn’t at all supportive of their upcoming marriage.

My exH and his ow won’t even be living together when they marry this summer. He’s going to remain living at his brother’s home in our city until he retires which won’t be for at least another 1 year after they marry. He’ll then move 2.5 hours away to live with his new wife and family.
It’s the oddest thing in my mind

I smiled when you wondered about your own sanity. I feel the same way “ am I crazy “ for loving him still.

As Anjae said you just never know how things will unfold.

Hugs !

[Trustandlove]

Happy New Year, everyone!

I hadn't been on for a while, just came on and read this thread, and Anjae's comment made me smile -- that my H is "still where the buses don't run".  Yes, she's right, that's about it in a nutshell.

It's been many years for me, I have no contact with my H, he is in irregular contact with our children, but there doesn't appear to be any real relationship. 

One thing I am very sad about is that my children no longer really remember him being "the good Dad", being at home with us and engaged with our family life.  They were young then, they are young adults now.  They have a lot of hurt and anger still about it, they do their best to not let it affect them, but the whole thing does have a lasting effect.  We talk about it and acknowledge it; our latest line is that "acceptance doesn't mean endorsement". 

Like so many say, I don't like the current version of my H that I see (or hear about, rather, or sometimes see on social media), it is very far from what I knew.  I do love my husband, wherever he may be, but accept that the current version of him, or the current person inhabiting his body, or however it can be put, is someone completely different. 

I don't really think about him "coming back"; I've always known that if he were to want to, I/we would deal with it then, and the person "coming back" would be in some way different to the one that is there now, and I have no idea what that might look like at this point.

Is he still in replay/crisis/whatever?  Sometimes I think that rather than being in full crisis, he is living the consequences of his actions during crisis, if that makes any sense.  He doesn't contact me so I no longer have any direct experience, this is just what I hear from others.  He may well be wondering how the h - e - double toothpicks he got where he is, but if that is a problem for him it's to something I know about.

I'm as happy as I can be; it makes me sad to see that all sorts of "guidance on divorce" is bandied about this time of year, but my life is reasonably settled and I'm not looking for another relationship.  My line to my friends is that I'm not ruling it out, but I'm not out looking, and that ends the conversation. 

My children refuse to meet the latest OW, it may well happen someday if, for example, they attend an event hosted by someone in H's family, but otherwise that drama is away from our daily life. 

So here's to another year of calm, everyday life!

[HeartTattoo]

Coming up on the six-year anniversary of BD. H said he didn’t want to make his revelations too soon before Christmas or too soon afterwards, but the memories of our last Christmas together as a family still haunt me & produce some free-floating anxiety around the Christmas festivities even still.

One month before BD I had arranged a pre-Christmas weekend get-away at an historic village & H had made no protest at the plans. We walked around in the lightly falling snow holding hands, listening to the musical programs, sitting companionably in our Shaker-styled bedroom, him reading & me sewing on the quilt I would give our oldest son at Christmas.

Four weeks later I would wake on another Saturday to learn how “unhappy” he was “in our M” & that he was moving out to live with the OW he had known for five years & I had not had any clue about.

By the actual anniversary in January I am fine, occupied with putting away Christmas decorations & getting on with my plans for the New Year. My H is a vanisher—two or three emails a year, in the last year matter-of-factly informing me of an inadvertently late alimony payment, or late last year when his lucrative job was threatened, wondering if I would “forgive” his last year of payments.

I am a few months away from three years with a new partner. He is a good, hard-working man & I care for him, though I have never felt “in love” with him. We are compatible in many ways & he is more emotionally present to me than my H ever was. But, I will never marry him or live with him. We each have homes that suit our lifestyles & I know we are each too “set in our ways” to live happily together. Pre-retirement planning keeps us both protective of our individually hard-won financial independence.

I sometimes think about what I would do if H found his way out of the tunnel & wanted a R with me again. I sincerely doubt this will happen. Two & half years after BD when he insisted upon D & then M’ed the OW two weeks after the final papers, I gave up on the persistent hopes I had for an eventual reunion. Two years after BD I would have readily jumped back into our marital R. At this point, I would say, OK, let’s try to be friends, you set up your independent life, & we’ll work on gingerly unearthing the R buried under tons of rubble, otherwise known as his lies, his deceptions, & the damage he inflicted upon me & our kids.

My Plan A is to keep on keeping on, loving my little home, participating more in my new community, being a present parent to my grown children, baking cookies for my new guy & enjoying the breakfasts he cooks for me.

[in it]

HT
That "in love" feeling can be fleeting. I'd rather love someone and have them love me.

I'm glad you have a good kind man in your life.
If this works for you stay with it.

[Thunder]

I agree with In It.  He sounds like a good man Heart, and you seem happy with him.   

If or when your H ever comes out of his crisis, just deal with it then.  Keep living your life, it sounds lovely.

[Believer]

Trustandlove and HeartTattoo,

Thank you for your wonderful posts. I could feel the calm in you both as I read them.
That calm is what I’m focused on achieving as well. I struggle at times however can honestly see it just on the horizon.

Trust, I love your line "acceptance doesn't mean endorsement".  I’m going to adopt that perspective.
My daughter and I both still struggle with exH and what hurts most is that struggle spills over into our relationship. That’s the relationship I want to put my energy toward.
I like your perspective on if he ever asked to come back. Dealing with it then doesn’t rob you of being present today

HT,
How nice for you that you have found a partner that you have been able to find a balance with.
I can appreciate the desire to protect your hard won financial independence.
I enjoyed your description of how you would handle it if H ever wanted a R with you. So wise and genuine.
Btw your Plan A sounds wonderful.

Overall, as I read our posts I felt similarities ..the love for our real H’s remain, the sadness for the fractured and hurtful relationship between our children and their fathers, continued consideration for our relationships as distant as it may feel,  all of it enveloped in an overwhelming love and strength we have for ourselves as our lives continue. I think the calmness washes in over time as we have the distance from our H’s and their drama as well as our own personal growth becoming rooted more deeply within us.

Pretty amazing people!

[xyzcf]

Believer:

Overall, as I read our posts I felt similarities ..the love for our real H’s remain, the sadness for the fractured and hurtful relationship between our children and their fathers, continued consideration for our relationships as distant as it may feel,  all of it enveloped in an overwhelming love and strength we have for ourselves as our lives continue. I think the calmness washes in over time as we have the distance from our H’s and their drama as well as our own personal growth becoming rooted more deeply within us.

Beautifully written and true for many of us.

It doesn't matter how many years pass, some of us continue to feel love for our spouses and great despair for the brokeness of our families.

I am thankful for you who have written about this, it helps a great deal to share our common thoughts and feelings as we continue on our journeys.

I honor all of you who have passed this way, peace to you all.

[LearningIamOk]

In It, I didn't know you were in a relationship! I am very happy for you. I hope it continues to be a source of happiness for you.

HT, I am happy for you as well, as your relationship continues to evolve. You seem to be in the same mindset as I am. My guy and I maintain separate homes. Some days we don't even talk or text, but we are both fine with that. My xH has made it clear thru my D35 that he intends to drag me back to court in a couple of years when he is 66 to ask for a modification of my alimony. I can't live on much less.

If that happens, my guy and I might have to combine households. We have discussed the possiblity. However, I fear moving in with someone. I fear he could go full throttle MLC. I don't want to be dependent on anyone ever again, but I might have to.

We will have been together for 6 years this February. It's been wonderful. He is everything xH was not.