[in it]

Hi Learning Yes I am.  I took four years off  from any romantic male relationship and do my own mirror work and I'm pretty sure I am not going to make the same mistakes again.

We are currently living together and have been for a little more than a year. A new relationship is not without it's challenges . It's sometime the baggage you ended up with from the last one that might prove to be a problem to deal with..communication is key.

If neither one of us want to go into what exactly might be the problem we just say "baggage"..we both have our own to deal with and get passed.
I simply would not believe that last nightmare of a relationship was the last one I ever have with a man. And I use the term "man" loosely in the exs case.
There are still men who will respect you and treat you much better than these mlcers..even if you feel there was some kind of wonderful marriage you had The end result with the infidelity that alone imho would mean that's enough to reevaluate the entire relationship.

In my case (as with a few others here) that wasn't the only demon we were dealing with. Violence is a deal breaker period. So I'm moving on and intend to keep doing so.  I deserved much better.

There are still good kind men out there.

[HeartTattoo]

My xH has made it clear thru my D35 that he intends to drag me back to court in a couple of years when he is 66 to ask for a modification of my alimony. I can't live on much less.

Learning,
H was 62 & I was a couple of months away when the D was in progress. H's lawyer first brought up in negotiations the notion of me taking SS at 62. When his L questioned me at the hearing about what my benefit would be I answered that I wouldn't take SS at 62 because it would permanently lower my benefit. The judge interjected that if that's the only income I had he guessed I would take it! What the h#ll did he think I was doing in court after 40 years of M? Planning to live on a SS benefit of $1000/month?!! He was such an a$$ to me that my L was in a panic & we ended up negotiating again to avoid the judge's ruling. But that's why I only have 4 years of alimony; retirement age was looming for H. I understand the logic of that, but my point & my financial adviser's point was that I should have gotten a much higher percentage of H's salary for those 4 years.

I was very lucky to have gotten a job again in nursing after 15 years away. I've made a decent income for 3 years & been able to save more for retirement. But it is very physically demanding & I only plan on one more year. We made choices in our lives & our careers based on marital decisions & what was best for our families at the time. Our H's had well-paying, demanding careers & we were willing to cut back in our career goals & invest more in parenting, because we never could have envisioned what happened to our M's. No-fault D & false assumptions about M/F equality in work & salaries mean most women get screwed in D's.

[in it]

Yep right there with you I got screwed too.
 SAHM for years with part time retail then that happens.

And I hear you Learning, it is terrifying after what happened to be dependent on a man again. My SO takes care of a lot of things financially since we live in his house. I contribute but sometimes feel that isn't enough.

We have talked about the possibly of one of us having an MLC and the whole thing blowing up..all you can do is keep talking have HONEST conversations. It's ok to be afraid after what we've been through.

[Anjae]

Hi Trust and HT.

For now, I am very happy being able to write about music and the arts again. As well as doing photography.

Like I said, I would not mind a new relationship. It would have to be a very special one. I like HT relationship, each in their house. That suits me. Can't see myself having to share a bedroom with someone on a daily basis. A house? Maybe, if I have my own bedroom/space. Still, one never knows.

These long time MLCers really still are where the buses don't run. 

Trust, interesting the idea of living the consequences of crisis during crisis. Somehow I don't think that is what is going on with Mr J. But, who knows what is going on with him.

Mr J crisis started either late Spring or early Summer 2005 when his peternal grandmother died. At first he seemed normal. Even when he started DJ I didn't saw anything wrong with it. I even incentivate him. He likes music, he was a bit down. Maybe djing his favourite music (his real self favourite music) in a nice, classy bar or two would help.

Of course it didn't and what was going to be an ocassional thing become a lunacy. Then come 2006. Early 2006 Mr J and I had decided to adjust our life to have kids, etc. I still have those e-mails. He wasn't happy with the djing and wanted a calmer life. I agree.

Come March, or April 2006 and he was saying he was depressed and the strange things begin. Like wanting to go to Cleveland or Pittsburgh sorting some guy's gigantic records warehouse for a year. I asked what about me, us, our life plans. Reply, he couldn't care less about me.

It was quite odd, but since he had said he was depressed, I thought it was the depression talking. It was. Just another type of depression I was not familiar with. Some normal time followed. May 2006 we asked for a small bank loan for a new flat or refurbishing ours further. Most likely the first.  Never happened.

Mr J become involved with OW1, the crisis monster and confusion showed more and more. Summer 2006 was bizarre. He was buying me lots of great vintage clothes - I still wear them, shoes, etc. At the same time, he was erratic, not sure about us, then totally sure about us and wanting again a calmer life and kids.

Come October 2006, he left. And has been gone since. In the meanwhile he managed to be all sorts of nasty. The most surprising thing for me is that it hasn't been any real nasty thing since October 2014. Four years and a few months without crazy nasty Mr J. Amazing.

Other than that, very little changes. MLC life still going on. OW2 really seems gone.

[in it]

I would have liked the separate house thing to like you learning..trouble was my SO was 1100 miles away so getting together for a date night would have been a little unrealistic. So since my job transferred it was really the only way we could find out if we would be good for each other.

He still sometimes will ask me to go on a date and I tell him:

 A DATE?! Now you are scaring me, you are getting WAAAY to serious.

[Anjae]

Your SO was 1110 miles away In It...  Everytime I read those distances you guys have I go  That is almost 2000km which means France or something of the sort, that is, several countries away.

It is always fascinating for me how people from big countries move such distances for a SO/marriage/work. For us, to move 50km or 100km is a lot. When Mr J and I moved to the capital,  320km from here, it was far away.

Perspective, perspective. 

[in it]

Yep and the first thought that entered my mind as we continued to communicate and get to know each other by email phone and text was.
Bullsh!t I ain't moving to  his state..

After he flew up and we spent a week together when I dropped him back off at the airport I started to cry and he said " You know what has to happen don't you"

I had a few things I had to get done at my house so two months later:

I put my cat and threw some clothes in the car and left. Took me three days to get here.

I didn't really think about how much more it may be good for me as  the ex was living a 5 minute drive up the street..it helped a great deal with feeling more free.. I feel free here to take a walk or go to the store without having to rush not wanting to chance a meeting. Scanning parking lots for either his or his mothers car before I went in.

I do struggle sometimes, it's been against my fight or flight. I always stood my ground and fought..so leaving a place I was raised in due to the ex living there feeling very strange  to me. Kind of made me mad. But to be honest there was nothing for me there. I was there four years heard nothing from my kids so..I left.

[Anjae]

You're right, there you don't need to worry with any chance encounter. You and the kids can contacy by Social Media, e-mail, etc. If they change their mind towards you and want to visit or you to visit them, that certainly can be arranged.

Three days to get there ... depending of how many driving hours per day, think that would leave me in Germany, Belgium, Holland or further. The US are really big.  Moscow, is Russia, is some 3700km by air and some 4400km by road from here. And Moscow is very, very far away. 

Here I don't have to worry bumping into Mr J. I did see him by change January 2018 here, but I was with friends and it was a social event. He hardly ever comes here.

If I go to the capital, providing I don't show at his work or dj sets, most likely we will not meet. I have been there and didn't saw him, even if I was just round the corner from where he works - it is  a central area with lots of cafés I like. Sure, we could meet at some concert, but that is a social ocassion. It would be "hi", "hi".

[LearningIamOk]

There are still men who will respect you and treat you much better than these mlcers..even if you feel there was some kind of wonderful marriage you had The end result with the infidelity that alone imho would mean that's enough to reevaluate the entire relationship.

There are still good kind men out there.

In It, that was really brave of you to move so far away. I agree with you, there are good and decent men out there. They are hard to find if you don't do the work on yourself. Broken attracts broken. I did do the work on myself, lots of painful work, looking at my issues. I didn't do it to find a man, just to make me a better person.

When I did start dating, I dated some really broken people. They were one and done dates. I was not hanging around to see if they would change. The one thing I loved about my guy is he made me feel safe. He let me be me and I could cry if I needed to about how things ended up this way. One of the nicest things he has said to me is "I love you even when you don't love yourself".

HT, I am so sorry that you got such short shrift. I don't understand the judges who behave like that. I was lucky enough to file before they did away with lifetime alimony. xH will be paying for the rest of his life, which better be a long one.

Sadly, I didn't have any kind of a career. I will always be in a low wage job. I have to hand it to you going back to a grueling career of nursing. I am sure it is rewarding in lots of ways, but the schedule....UGH! My hat is off to you.

I did work for xH for a lot of years. He pats himself on the back that I got my quarters in so I would qualify for SS. I had to beg him for my paycheck each pay period. He seriously believes that he built his business single handedly. No xH, I worked at it too, and schmoozed the clients, etc.

Anjae, I am so happy that you are writing about the arts and music. I would love to take up photography. I still have my art class, but gave up horseback riding. I really wasn't very good at it and it's expensive.

I hope you do find someone who will appreciate your intellect and abilities. Maybe you should put some feelers out. As In It said, there are good and decent people out there. And, as I said to What Next, there are a million people looking for what you can offer.

[Anjae]

Learning, photography is easy to take on. I only have small compact cameras (one mine and ten, going on eleven years old, and one that was my younger sister's) and a sim cardless smartphone that was from cousin who had MLC. For years I only had my compact camera. It is more what we see/capture than the equipment.

I start writing about music and the arts in my late teens and did it until a little after I come back home. Then, years of the most crazy of Mr J's MLC and looking after grandmother didn't leave headspace for it. I slowly re-start and now it is going fine. There is even one more person on the project. A third one come along late 2018 and now we are four.

There are good people out there for sure. I have no doubt. However, in the world I move in, arts & culture, people know who I am. I am the owner of a project that features those people work. Men respect me and see me as a peer, but both them and I are careful because a relationship may jeopardize professional relationships and friedships. 

That was happened when Mr J left. The project, that used to be joint and much different, broke. My 20 years work and creative partner was no more and everything was in shambles.

Of course I do not think it will happen again, but there is a certain caution. However, I am certain I will meet the right person when the time is right.