[in it]

Thanks Learning it has been an adjustment because I never really lived anyplace else besides that little village. or within 1/2 hour of it so I got WAY out of my comfort zone.  I was pretty afraid of driving all that way by myself..but I did it..6 hours everyday then  I would sleep..

I didn't date . There may have been some guys interested? But I was sooo angry they probably picked up on that vibe and I scared them away..

Just as well I am, quite content with the man I am with now. I can respect him and I feel safe with him.

Yeah doesn't that just piss you off? Oh yes they did everything on their own, had no help, single handedly  accomplished EVERYTHING they ever did. God forbid they admit their wife of how many years might have had something to do with the success.. Have to beg him for a paycheck he needed a foot firmly planted in his nuts..what a 'effin jerk.

They are Superman..

Reminds me of the Honeymooners I don't know who might remember the TV show. Ralph and Alice would get in a fight and he'd be yelling and screaming " I'M the BOSS! Do you hear me Alice? I'M the BOSS And YOU are NOTHING!"

She'd stand there just as calm with her arms crossed and say

"Big deal..Boss over nothing" 

Yes you will meet the right person Anjae and it's gonna happen when you least expect it. I had almost adopted the phrase. A wise woman once said 'eff this sh!t and lived happily ever after.. My SO said he was just starting to enjoy being on his own then this happened.

I really think you have to love in such a way the person  you love feels free. That takes trust..respect for each other and the relationship.

[LearningIamOk]

Anjae, having our lives torn apart is bad enough, but you having your professional life disrupted is just abominable. You are one tough cookie to be able to put that back on track.

I need to learn to take better photos. I use photos to paint from. My paintings would definitely benefit from it.

In It, I always did feel like NOTHING in my M. I even told xH while we were separated that I never felt like I mattered. He seemed shocked. How in the world would I matter when we did everything the way he wanted to do it?

My current relationship is so different. I am asked for my opinion, and I usually say "whatever you want", which isn't fair to him. I am trying to be able to speak up for myself and my wishes. He truly wants to know what I think and how I feel. It's a learning curve that I need to be able to master.

[in it]

Well I did to Learning..I didn't feel like I mattered either.
In fact if I really wanted make sure I didn't get what I asked for or something I needed to have done was ask for it. So it taught me not to ask for anything because if I did? I could be pretty damn sure I wouldn't get it.

That gave the ex power. He got a sick kick out of me needing something and he could simply not do it. Which would make me unhappy. THEN he was happy.
 A long time ago I may have expressed wants and needs and after the years went by they got ignored by him more and more. Then it turned into I'd only ask when it was something I could not physically do myself. I'd put myself out there and ask and he intentionally would not do it and I would not nag him. So resentment on my part grew.

As far as being asked for an opinion? Out of the question. If I did say something he's say "Who put that thought into your head" Like I was not able to think for myself.

Yes I struggle with that too in this relationship with something as simple my SO asks what TV show would I like to watch. Again not used to someone asking me what I'd like to watch.
Sometimes I have definite thoughts about what I want. He might ask where I'd like to go to eat., or I have gotten a bit braver expressing what I want  "I want to go to Burger King." (I like Burger King a lot. )
I asked for some cookies because he was going into the kitchen last night,(Never would have done that in my old life)

 It is a learning curve and practice is what's needed..I think that's the difference between a real relationship (two people who really want each others happiness) and whatever you want to call whatever that was I had because it sure wasn't a marriage.

It's not an easy thing to do when you feel you haven't been considered or heard in years.

You have  good man there Learning if he honestly wants to know what you think and how you feel.

[LearningIamOk]

I was like you, In It. I would do everything that needed doing on my own. I never dared to ask xH for anything. If it was physical labor that was difficult, I was stuck waiting on him. I also never nagged. I just went on without having something done.

After we separated, I took down a small tree with a chainsaw. xH wanted to know who took the tree down. I said, "I did". He couldn't believe it and I was so proud of myself. It helped me to realize I didn't need him for much. I've figured lots of stuff out on my own, and if I couldn't do it, I found someone who could. I also found resentment building up.

And, despite some on here who truly mourn the loss of a wonderful M and relationship, I am not one of them. I regret not being able to keep my family intact, but I don't regret no longer having to walk on eggshells for fear of ticking off xH.

[Anjae]

Learning, private and professional life were the same, aside from Mr J's pre-MLC steady job and my freelance work. It has not been easy putting the project together, and is it going slowly, but I am getting there and will get there. To bring it back to what it was, or close, I cannot do it alone.

LBS who had a business with the MLCer often have their professional life turned up side down

Painting from photos is great. Trial and error, as with everything, is what works for photos. Also, it depends what a person wants/is after. For me, technical perfection is not what I aim to. If concerts photos, the important is to capture the feeling/mood. If buildings, that there is some emotions, not just a sterile perfect photo, if detais, often mine are romantica and pretty. There are certain colours in buildings/the city that attrack me and I like to capture those.

I am sorry you and In It always felt like nothing in your marriage. When I read LBS writing things like that, or similar, it is quite confusing for me. Mr J and I were a true partnership and we both matter equally. In a way, it was easy for us because we shared the same interests and we created things together.

If your current partner wants your opinion, give it to him. I understand you are not used and it is a learning curve, but he is asking.

[LearningIamOk]

I am sorry you and In It always felt like nothing in your marriage. When I read LBS writing things like that, or similar, it is quite confusing for me. Mr J and I were a true partnership and we both matter equally.

Anjae I am glad that you felt a true partnership in your M. That is why I understand why people grieve so hard for the M that is now in ruins. I never had that. I always felt like I was 5 year old and he was the adult.

Being with my boyfriend, he treats me the way I assume others were treated in their M's. It would be a lot to lose. The kindnesses, thoughtful gifts, just sitting together closely. *sigh* I wasn't even allowed to put my arm around xH in bed because I might wake him up and he didn't like being disturbed.

I know what you mean about the colors and feelings exuded by your subject matter. I will see a particular photo, and this feeling just comes over me that I can paint that picture. Thankfully, I paint with oil paints so I can correct mistakes over and over again.

My art teacher will be 91 in a couple of weeks. He is brilliant and I have been lucky to paint in his classes for the last 20 years. I dread the day he calls it quits.

[in it]

Yep
All  it taught me was how to get things done without him.
So after a while who needs them?
Good for you cutting down a tree with a chainsaw.

And I really wasn't afraid of pissing him off...he and I argued quite a bit...later in the marriage pissing him  off would happen if I was breathing or merely my footsteps on the floor upstairs when he was downstairs.

We gotta count our blessings Learning, that we are out of those unsatifying unhappy relationships.

[Anjae]

Never felt like I was 5 years old and Mr J the adult. If anything, he was a little more childhish than I was. At a point, in my teens, some not so good things happened with my parents that affected me and my siblings. Fortunately, Mr J didn't had such experience. We were pretty much on the same level.

I wasn't even allowed to put my arm around xH in bed because I might wake him up and he didn't like being disturbed.

What? I don't know what to say. We were so playful with each other and often would sleep either curled up on each other or touching each other. Until very recently I still sleep with my arm streached as it Mr J was on the other side of the bed.

The kindnesses, thoughtful gifts, just sitting together closely.

This was Mr J and I.

To me, the situation is, I had a great man/good marriage, it is not so easy to find one at the same level or better. It is not a case of lack of good people, more of what I was used to. Of course Mr J's crisis version has nothing to do with the real he and many man are far better than his crisis self. But I do not want a relationship/marriage with the crisis version. I want one as good, or better, than the non crisis version.

I paint with watercolours or acrylic - diluted it turns into a wonderful way of using watercolours. With its natural texture it allows for things watercolours do not. One day I would like to try oil, but a flat without a proper studio and oil don't got together. I've seen some new oils that don't seem to have the smell oil usually has, still, it requires lots of things that are not necessary for watercolours/acrylic.

Colours do appeal to me, yet, often, I like to take black & white photos, mostly concerts ones. Colour photos in very dark rooms, unless with a great lens and camera that I do not have, don't tend to turn that good. Black & white looks better. Would I like to have a better/bigger camera with a good zoom? I would. But it would bring other problems. It weights, it requires a special bag, they are often too big for my hands. A big/bigger camera is very visible and I often go alone to concerts or less nice parts of town. I feel totally safe and comfortable with my tiny cameras and counsin's old smartphone, but I am not sure I would with a bigger, expensive camera.

How wonderful to have a 91 years old art teacher and to be having going to his class for 20 years. I never had art or photography classes. Some family members are artists - from Fine Arts to Theatre, or were Fine Arts School teachers, but I studied History of Art.

Which means I am not really good at drawing and don't know how to do a lot of formal things. But that is not what I am looking for. The watercolours started when I was looking after grandmother. I could barely leave the house and I needed something that was relaxing, not done on a computer and was silent. Haven't painted in a little while. Need to pick the brushes againg.

The thing is, In It, I didn't had an unhappy unsatifying relationship with the real Mr J. And the same is true of several others here regarding their spouse/marriage.

The crisis version is another matter.

[in it]

Anjae I don't know what that's like.."this was a him against me" and I missed the memo..or didn't get it. I just thought I was in a difficult relationship..this whatever this was may have been a crisis? His whole life was a crisis and I was the fixer the put out the fires. The dealing with the next drama. Very rarely any peace. Put up with the verbal abuse , the put downs, sometimes I fought back.. then things would escalate..just draining and exhausting.
He and I did laugh quite a bit, but towards the end he found NOTHING funny. I mean zero sense of humor.

 Some affection in the last relationship but nothing note worthy. In this new one we snuggle every chance we get,hold hands, always a kiss goodbye and I love you. Again something new.

I've been freestyle acrylic hand-painting on flour sack dish towels..they came out pretty cute. Nothing I had tried before. Gave them as gifts this year for Christmas.
Your painting sounds interesting....

[Anjae]

I'm sorry, In It.

For me, the abuse and agression only come with Mr J's MLC. It was very shocking. He changed so much from who he was.

In this new one we snuggle every chance we get,hold hands, always a kiss goodbye and I love you. Again something new.

This is wonderful.  I'm very happy for you.

Your freestyle painting also sounds very interesting. It seems painting/the arts are something several of us enjoy. It could be said my paiting are freestyle and abstract.

I used to do collages, but haven't done any since I come back. I also write poetry, but it has been a little while since the last poem.

LBS are very gifted people. It is a pity that either before MLC, for those who didn't had such good spouses/marriages, and since MLC for others, the people we marry do no appreciate us and how special we are. But several of us found someone who did. Which is great and wonderful.