[HeartTattoo]

I had a box, full of journals from "that" time..perhaps 14 in all...I had marked the box "private, do not read" and I have never gone back and read any of the journals. I did not want anyone to ever read them..especially our daughter.

I just spent an hour with my shredder. Ripping, shredding, emptying into one large garbage back and finally placing it all in the trash. It is a very positive thing for me to have done.

As I was updating some computer files today, I noticed my "journals" from "that" time. I journaled heavily, probably almost daily for over 2 years, plus all my writing on HS. I was so much in shock, so manic then. I would wake after two hours of sleep, jump out of bed, & a stream of thoughts & feelings would pour out. I could remember conversations with H nearly verbatim hours later & document them all. My obsessive mind would be going crazy as I drove & I would pull over & jot things in little notebooks. It's funny that I had never journaled before & really don't anymore.

This post from XYZ came to mind then today & I wondered. What have others done with journals from "that" time? I haven't yet wanted to destroy them. I feel I want to document what MLC is & how it affects others. Although HS does that in a global fashion.

Being interested in genealogy, I often wonder about the private lives of my ancestors & I want to leave some personal explanation for why our family was broken at this point. Something more interesting than the hard facts of HT & H married 1974--divorced 2015.

My children? They know most of it. I probably talked too much to them at the time. We were all in such shock & wondering what had gone wrong with H. They were adults at the time. But them reading it all over again years later? Do I want that?

What have others done? What are your thoughts?

Hugs All,
HT

[forthetrees]

My journalling came out in the form of songs. They form a chronology of the my journey. They blend pain, humor and creativity and I will not destroy them.

As for regular journals, they too are a blend of pain, humor and creativity. I say keep them but package them with a warning that they contain information that cannot be unknown and will likely be painful. But, those journals may save a future descendant from even further pain. Let me explain:

I found hundreds of pages of microfiched court testimony from my grandparents´divorce. Without that, I would not have understood the dysfunction that carried on down to the next generation. It explained many hurtful family behaviors- did not excuse, but explained. That knowledge, while painful, let me let go.

My two cents.

[Mitzpah]

HT,

I had a box, full of journals from "that" time..perhaps 14 in all...I had marked the box "private, do not read" and I have never gone back and read any of the journals. I did not want anyone to ever read them..especially our daughter.

I just spent an hour with my shredder. Ripping, shredding, emptying into one large garbage back and finally placing it all in the trash. It is a very positive thing for me to have done.

As I was updating some computer files today, I noticed my "journals" from "that" time. I journaled heavily, probably almost daily for over 2 years, plus all my writing on HS. I was so much in shock, so manic then. I would wake after two hours of sleep, jump out of bed, & a stream of thoughts & feelings would pour out. I could remember conversations with H nearly verbatim hours later & document them all. My obsessive mind would be going crazy as I drove & I would pull over & jot things in little notebooks. It's funny that I had never journaled before & really don't anymore.

This post from XYZ came to mind then today & I wondered. What have others done with journals from "that" time? I haven't yet wanted to destroy them. I feel I want to document what MLC is & how it affects others. Although HS does that in a global fashion.

Being interested in genealogy, I often wonder about the private lives of my ancestors & I want to leave some personal explanation for why our family was broken at this point. Something more interesting than the hard facts of HT & H married 1974--divorced 2015.

My children? They know most of it. I probably talked too much to them at the time. We were all in such shock & wondering what had gone wrong with H. They were adults at the time. But them reading it all over again years later? Do I want that?

What have others done? What are your thoughts?

Hugs All,
HT

I have wondered recently about this - my current feeling is that I want to get rid of all the physical, written evidence of the very broken person I was eight years ago... I don't even think that my rather incoherent, ramblings are of any value to anyone There are of course, letters (e-mails) that I wrote to people at the time in different parts of the world, and, the enormous amount of postings on here and a few on Rejoice Marriage Ministries. The electronic backlog is difficult to get rid of - the emails I sent, they are like the proverbial stones thrown... you don't get them back.

I find reading what I wrote on HS eight years ago painful enough, I can't imagine going through the notebook I filled in the year after BD.

I guess I shall destroy it along with other MLC related material when I get round to remodeling my bedroom

Just how I feel about it but haven't acted on it yet

[Treasur]

I have my journals too. Like you, journaled like a mad woman in the early hours for probably a couple of years...
Haven't read them. Initially they would have been too painful to read; now they feel like old news bc that is where I was not where I am.
Don't know if I will or if I will just destroy them at some point. Guess I assume I'll know when I know.

[Disillusioned]

Use them to write a book, Treasur.  I think a lot of people would read it.

[Treasur]

Funny you should say that, Dis.....

[Thunder]

If I am honest with myself, I probably keep the journals so maybe one day if my H ever came back I would want him to read them and get some idea of how hurt I was.
They were painful pages to read.  He could see how badly he hurt me.

But not that long ago I tossed them all, after reading them.  I have no desire to have him or anyone else read them.

The woman who wrote those journals is not me anymore.  I felt very sorry for her.

[Anjae]

I got rid of my journals of the time long ago and now I always get rid of a journal once it is filled. Before MLC I kept my journals.

I have some poems from after BD, but people don't manage to know what they are about.

[HeartTattoo]

Thank you, everyone, for your replies.

I say keep them but package them with a warning that they contain information that cannot be unknown and will likely be painful. But, those journals may save a future descendant from even further pain. Let me explain:

I found hundreds of pages of microfiched court testimony from my grandparents´divorce. Without that, I would not have understood the dysfunction that carried on down to the next generation. It explained many hurtful family behaviors- did not excuse, but explained. That knowledge, while painful, let me let go.

Yes, I definitely think the past can help those in the future. I wish there was more personal documentation in families. It has to be read with compassion & context, knowing this is likely not the full story, but I feel my story is worth preserving for those purposes.

...my current feeling is that I want to get rid of all the physical, written evidence of the very broken person I was eight years ago...

Oh, Mitz, but look at the journey & what you have become! Such a strong woman. You deal with your MLCer & the interactions between your children & their father more than most of us. We were all completely broken. It's what this does to a loving partner.

If I am honest with myself, I probably keep the journals so maybe one day if my H ever came back I would want him to read them and get some idea of how hurt I was.
They were painful pages to read.  He could see how badly he hurt me.
But not that long ago I tossed them all, after reading them.  I have no desire to have him or anyone else read them.
The woman who wrote those journals is not me anymore.  I felt very sorry for her.

Yes, Thunder, that was one of my reasons as well. When I really did believe he would be coming back, I thought the journals could help in the counseling sessions we would have. As time goes on & I believe less & less in any sort of restored R, that is less of a reason to keep them. Even if that situation presented itself, so much time would have passed &, as you say, we have become different people.

I did read through what I had written, probably when the journaling was slowing down & I was strong enough not to be completely triggered by the memories. I was a very broken person for a long time after BD. So unlike my usual self it astounded me. But I am not ashamed of that. It humbled me, it made me more compassionate for what other broken people have suffered. That we never know what obstacles others are trying to overcome.

My journal files are arranged in kind of a weird way. My present plan is to (eventually) reorganize the files, read them, & print them out. I'll place them in a sealed package, with perhaps the "warning" label FTT suggests, placing them with my other "important papers". I kind of like the idea of a granddaughter or great-granddaughter, or great-great niece reading it as kind of a personal/historical document.

Hugs All,
HT

[Believer]

I had taken some time to look through my journals at the time my MLCer was filing for divorce. Once the divorce became final I discarded all the written material with the exception of spreadsheet indicating how much time he had spent with our daughter. I had six years of documentation - Year 3 was his best year. He’d spent 12 days (288 hrs! ) with his daughter and that was only because he took her on a cruise for his brothers wedding. I kept the documentation just incase he comes out of his tunnel and wonders why his relationship with his only child is fractured.
Btw his next top year was 27 hours, this included watching her play softball   

Recently when I heard he was remarrying, I collected all my jewelry he’d given me over the years and packed it away in the safe. My daughter can have it if she ever feels like it.