Hi everyone.
Thank you for the nice words - same people who helped me when I first came onto HS
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in it - agreed with all you said. Lots of lessons learned. Knowing what you will and won't tolerate is huge and yes, we all have boundaries and once crossed we owe it to ourselves to say I'm done, whereas we tend to give one more chance and fall for the "sorry I will never do it again". Regardless of the situation, MLC or not, once H invested in another partner I would have been done.
Milly - yes it is nice to be okay with being single. I do wonder though if it came "easier" to me as I have always been independent since childhood circumstances dictated it was the only way to go. In one way when H left I felt more like the real me came back. I don't need anyone to validate me or need to be part of a relationship to feel whole, so maybe that was an advantage. Doesn't mean it didn't hurt and it was easy, not at all, and in our case we got BD and within minutes he was taking boxes out the door and gone, so a huge thing to deal with, as it is for us all. Dreadful. I often think of the families who are about to go through this and the shock and pain of it all, and how they probably have no clue about what is heading their way. So, so sad.
Anjae - yes to all. Definitely focus on ourselves and bit by bit the other stuff starts to consume us less. Takes a while. I think we have to acknowledge all the pain like grieving a death and don't try to skip any of the stages, and only then can we move forward. It really is like a death isn't it, but as we all know, hard to grieve when that person is still alive and ready to dish out more pain. We can grieve the death of the relationship and make way for a healthier future whether it be alone or with someone new.
Yes H ran fast and never looked back. New wife, life, new identity, nobody to question him. Perfect conditions for someone in MLC. We aren't done yet though and I know all the fear and anxiety will come flooding back. We still live in our home. He withheld all money hoping to squeeze us out and it didn't happen. I took over the bills and have been paying them all since he left. He and OW were hoping we couldn't afford to stay and be forced to sell. He hasn't made any payments towards anything so I guarantee they are sitting back waiting for their payday and see I'm helping their investment get bigger while I continue to pay all bills and the house is worth more. I truly feel he hasn't attacked yet as his investment grows. Once S reaches 18 this year I think he will contact us.
Dreading that and feel sick at the thought although one time he did call here a few years ago and I remember telling myself after we hung up that I have nothing to fear, he is a weak man. He had the nerve to call and insist we had a talk on speaker phone with OW in the room - I said pick up the phone - and he did
bet OW wasn't happy about that - too bad.
He's lucky we didn't get further in the courts as they would have taken away his drivers licence and passport and put his mugshot up on the deadbeat dad page. Now he has citizenship in OW country so he doesn't care, nothing will affect him.
He does feel I'm sure that he can demand the house sale and he will walk away with half. Nope, not going to happen. I will fight it. Hasn't paid a dime in years towards me, the kids or the house.
Of course like everyone else, I would look at the estimated time it took for MLC and hoped we were on the shorter end. Him being a vanisher helped tremendously. At first I felt we needed him back to be complete. As mentioned before, I knew of OW existing at the same time he told me they got married, so that in itself is a huge jolt towards detachment. No other option.
Learning - yes, funny how things work out isn't it. Happy doing my own thing and not looking for anyone. If they appear then great we can see where it goes, but I don't have any interest in seeking out a new relationship. Nice if it comes my way but if not then I'm more than okay.
FTT - Yes, wow, great memory. Went back to school to get a course I could use to apply for work after being a stay home mom for many years. Got a job right afterwards and never looked back. Still in same job and love it. Took over paying bills. Oldest in the class but got the best marks and the best job - yay me! Not what H had hoped for I'm sure. Wanted us out the house so he could get his payday. Sorry H, didn't happen as you planned.
Sadly D who is now 20 has taken after her father and is now a vanisher. We were all so close, the two kids and I, then bit by bit she stopped coming home and a couple of years ago did as he did, came home to get some "stuff" and gone. I was heartbroken as she wouldn't even let me know if she was okay, stopped all communication. Very sad as we were so close. Had to wonder if it was all due to me and she said it wasn't, as did S. Not sure what happened but shes done exactly as her dad did. Even seemed okay not returning calls after I left messages sobbing and wondering where she was. All so sad and gut wrenching. Again I had to stay back and let her do her thing. I miss her terribly. I do now get the odd text and she explained she was trying to figure things out and her future - she has a bf and we live in a big city. She was in Uni then after a year and a half stopped that. Giver her credit for not pursuing something that wasn't feeding her soul. Hoping this is all temporary and she wants to be in touch. Nothing I can do till then. She came home for one night early last year and apologized and swore she would never do it again, took some of her stuff and nothing heard till she needed some paperwork. Wow - sounds exactly like the behaviour of many MLCers on here.
S is at home still - he won't be going far. He's a handful at times too but he's alive and a teen dealing with teenage stuff in a single parent home with no other family or adults around. He's a good kid with his own struggles - has a gf so hardly see him, but overall I think he's content. Tracked down his father a few years ago so he could tell him what kind of person he has become (how sad). His dad had nothing to say and immediately started talking about himself - surprise! Neither listened to what the other had to say but this was about S and him making a huge effort to speak to his dad who has shown zero interest since leaving. Again, so sad.
I think their father abandoning them is the reason for their behaviour and in the big picture I am thankful they are alive and somewhat happy.
Sorry for the long post - I'm good at chatting away once I get started.
Hugs to all. Stay fabulous!
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Old Timers thread 4