[Anjae]

What happened to you, and others who lost their children because of a spouse MLC is horrific, In It. You also had to deal with a physically violent MLCer.

Truly hope your daughters will one day contact you.

[Snowdrop]

Hi all.

Snow, you are not alone in losing a child to this MLC disease.

The worst isn't it.  Nice to see that your D is in touch.  I just have to leave her alone and let her decide when she is ready.  Just amazing to me that the one person who saw first hand what pain this causes, did exactly the same as her father.  That tells me this is out of their control.

My greif has been profound. I never thought I would ever be parted from my own children due to this. The things that have happened in these last few years have been almost surreal.
I  have to accept it, as I cannot change it. I don't know  if they are in crisis.  I hope not. I'm hoping they are getting some life experience and maybe someday they will contact me.

In regards to the ex? no I don't miss nor want him back

Same here

Interesting. I also have no trouble being single. I was an independent child - and only child for nine years, very used to be on my own.
Would love a new relationship, but I am not going out of my way to get one.

I don't need anyone to validate me or need to be part of a relationship to feel whole, so maybe that was an advantage.

Makes two. Like with you, it didn't meant it didn't hurt. It did. Like hell. I had no clue what was going on all those years ago. Everything was nuts and nothing made sense.

Yes.  I just go about my day to day life and am content.  Whatever happens in the future will be dealt with as it happens.  Not looking for a relationship, in fact I'm not sure if I would even welcome one at the moment.  Then again, if it happened and was mutual, who knows?  Same with H, I have no thoughts of ever wanting to be around him or even speak with him again, but if he was in touch, I'm not sure what I would do.  I don't wish him harm, I am just not interested in repairing or investing energy into him or any relationship - I'm just done.

That's how I am in general anyway.  Very forgiving to a point and then I'm done and there's no turning back.  Lies and deceit get an instant bye.  I know what I offer as a friend and partner and if I can't have that in return then what is the point.  Always said I would never want to be in a relationship with anyone who didn't want to be with me.

The whole MLC situation is shocking to the system and a process to navigate.  I remember those early days and that physical heartache, waking up in the night and going through the motions each day, trying to keep life as "normal" as possible for the kids.  Such cruelty was dished out by a man I'd loved and been with for over 20 years. Wouldn't expect that from a stranger never mind him.  Your whole life as you know it is over and there's a sense of not knowing, but then it goes.  New paths and plans, and before you know it your healing starts.

Whatever MLC situation we have had to deal with and whatever path we are now on, I know this site has been so helpful in my journey.  Lots of tears and laughs, huge shoulders to cry on and kind empathetic souls lending an ear and providing comfort. I am beyond grateful for the friends made as well as the information learned.  Knowing inside what was true has kept my head above water as in the end that's all that matters.  I learned that one day when I heard H was telling people it was a "mutual decision" that we separated.  I wanted to scream from the rooftops that it wasn't so, and by him saying that negated the kid's pain - mine too - but especially theirs.  Then I stopped and thought how it really doesn't matter.  Let him tell his lies, and let those people all believe him.  His friends and family believed it all.  None of them ever contacted us since he left - that's who they are.  I have no respect for them so why worry about them knowing the truth, it doesn't matter.

I'm sure his lies must have caught him out by now (hope so) and that's for him to deal with.  The kids and I know the truth and what really happened, and that's what is important.  We have lived our lives in truth and honesty, and with integrity.  Can't say that for him but I know for sure that living an honest life is so much better.  Feel sorry for him in a way.  Can't imagine living a made up existence. 

Wonder how it worked out with OW in the end.  Either they are a match made in heaven - if that's the case then keep far, far away from us - or did the masks fall and reality smacked them in the face. 

No-one's MLCer is worse than another, no type is worse than another.  Every last bit of it caused pain and we have a common bond that not everyone understands.

We are a great bunch.  Hugs to all.

[LearningIamOk]

Hi Snowdrop. Yes, the pain and lies are dreadful. But we do manage to get thru it. I am sorry your inlaws have never contacted you. As you said, let everyone he talks to believe his lies. It doesn't matter because you do know the truth.

I told my xH that I hoped he could reconcile the man he is with the man he believes himself to be, because they are worlds apart.

[HeartTattoo]

I think one use of this “Old-Timers’ Thread” can be to illustrate the timeline as we move on from BD. May be helpful to newcomers. As some have said success here is not necessarily a restored M with the MLCer, but can also be the establishment of a healthy new independent life.

Six years now since BD, three & half years since H’s D & marriage to the OW, & three years since I moved to a new city & began my new life, I still think of H everyday & he is frequently in my dreams, but my thoughts of him are becoming more fleeting & inconsequential. Just like his vanished presence in my life—irrelevant.

My mind is no longer tortured by the “Why?” of it all. I have come to accept, really just as a function of time, that there are no answers to the tortured questions I had in the first years after BD. There will never be any answers. Even if H was somehow in front of me willing to talk, he would not have the answers himself. He never did & he never will. It is why his answers to my anguished “Why?” during his BD explanations were so absurd. It will all remain a mystery of H’s mentally unhealthy childhood, his addictive personality, & his super-power to deny his own feelings, his own needs, his own weaknesses.

I am still curious at times about my H’s new life. I imagine him happy with his OW & their life together. Why else would he still be there? Why else did he give up all that he threw away to be with the OW? HS & my counselor told me this would never be true. But, again, pretty much irrelevant to my life now.

But, I’m not completely disinterested yet. On a boring Sunday afternoon, I googled H’s & OW’s names. It is weird that when I do that, I come up with a surreal list of “associated persons”—H, OW, my name, our kids’ names, her D’s names. I came across a fairly new article about OW in some newsletter. Pretty much verbatim the same story that I saw years ago in another newsletter. Her boosterism of education & her ascent from marriage at 18 to a masters degree all while working full-time & raising a daughter. She has positioned herself from schoolteacher to the head of some state agency having to do with education. I had to laugh out loud, when a line read “Ever aspirational (H’s surname) has gone on to blah, blah, blah.” Aspirational in improving oneself is admirable. Having an affair with a M’ed man & participating in the break-up of two families because you aspire to a “better” partner (more education, more money, more impressive job title) not so admirable. Of course, the article didn’t mention any of that       

[forthetrees]

Hey HT,
Why they stay with the new life, hmmm. Maybe it´s because it would require a Herculean amount of energy - mental and emotional- to address the situation they´ve created and then do something about the LBS situation. I am not sure that even after years of post BD that they have developed the emotional and communication tools to navigate a partnership let alone even being able to describe their current emotional state.
It  may be like the saying, "If wishes were horses then beggars would ride." Wishing it is not enough.

Then again, maybe we will be proven wrong. I figure that time will eventually reveal that piece of the puzzle- like the wind or water eroding a mountain to reveal the bedrock.

[Believer]

FTT,

I think you’re correct about the effort both mental and emotional that it would take the MLCer to fix things.

In a recent and rare communication with my xH ( think ...siting of an endangered species lol ! ) he mentioned something that supports that mindset.
I did smile about his reference  of  “ shared responsibility of what went wrong”. Although there were certainly growth and development opportunities for me,I didnt implode our marriage and family in order to figure myself out. 
He’s far from the end of his journey, still struggling to look at himself deeply however I thought his response showed

1) the emotional weight to change
2) they do still watch us even if we don’t hear from them
3) they do and want to see us stronger than they are

This was his comment ...

I'm as much responsible for what has happened.  None of us are perfect and many mistakes were made along the way, at least you had the will and courage to face it and deal with it.  I've always thought of you as a strong person and you have proven that with the fight to better yourself. You have succeeded and so far I have not. I'm glad you have found the peace you have worked so hard for. I'm proud of you and probably envious.

And so because he still hasn’t the courage or will he’ll continue on the path of least resistance and self inflicted pain and marry the OW this summer.  I just have to let him work through this on his own.
That has been my greatest learning in all of this.

Believer

[xyzcf]

Even now, so many years later, I sit up when I read something that is uncannily the "same" as what I was told.

Believer wrote:

I did smile about his reference  of  “ shared responsibility of what went wrong”. Although there were certainly growth and development opportunities for me,I didnt implode our marriage and family in order to figure myself out.

I think what my husband said to me, several years after BD, is something like "I know you blame me for what happened but you also had some responsibility" or something like that.

Ok, I am not "perfect" but really, whatever it was that I did...he never once told me or expressed his displeasure or indicated that he needed something else from me and whatever it was in his eyes that I am responsible for, I did not destroy our family..that lies totally on his shoulders and his shoulders alone.

Thanks for sharing. Somehow the crisis  replaces what is true in their minds to a version that isn't reality.

[OldPilot]

Somehow the crisis  replaces what is true in their minds to a version that isn't reality.

Rewritten History, of course!

[Believer]

Xyzcf,

So very true that the crisis replaces the truth.

I completely understand your comment about “not perfect”, yet they didn’t say anything to us indicate otherwise ..even when asked at times I’m sure.

I remember thinking about this a lot, I came to the conclusion that either it wasn’t as big a deal as they make it out to be OR it highlited an area of their own personal growth they needed to develop, such as learning to share if something said or done truly hurt thier feelings.
Please don’t misunderstand I’m still owning what’s truly my junk to own however there were things that my exH said to me that had me shaking my head. 

[Anjae]

"Though no one is perfect, in the beginning you will search your own behavior for what went wrong. Since the MLCer often offers a long list of your transgressions, it is not a difficult search. In the beginning, many LBS's accept this blame, using it as the excuse for the bad marriage. For many experiencing this crisis in their marriage, there was no bad marriage. Though nothing is perfect, many problems were not significant enough to warrant danger. The problem is the Midlife Crisis. Some of the MLCer complaints are valid. Listen, validate and affirm, and then filter what feels valid to you. This crisis is not your fault; it would have happened regardless of your behavior."

"Maybe you were too controlling, complained all the time, addicted to sex, porn, alcohol etc. Look within yourself and change for yourself. But please understand that no matter how great or small your flaws and transgressions, they are not the cause of someone else's Midlife Crisis."

From: https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/standing-actions_progress_mlc-time.html - Midlife Crisis Takes TIME

MLCers may say that the LBS is also at fault for this, that and those and shares half the responsability for their crisis. Not so, MLC is a personal, individual crisis and only the MLCer is responsible for it. As said in the article, the problem is Midlife Crisis itself.