Chuckled about your McD playzone comment
Agree with the others. His current MO seems to be that you - and the kids - are like toys on a shelf. That when HE wants to talk to them, or show them off, everyone is supposed to jump to it. Including you. When HE decides he wants to ‘visit’, ditto. (The fact he hasn’t been in touch to see how you or your Mum are coping is evidence to me that, regardless of what he might say, looking after the kids while your Mum is recovering is not his real rationale. No idea what it is, it will probably come out in the wash, but it will be self-serving in some way bc that’s how these folks roll)
I understand all the reasons why you might be going along with his expectation to have his cake and eat it too. We all do here bc they are normal understandable responses, an LBS version of putting your finger in the hole in the dyke that most of us did for a little while. I think though that what this tends to force us to do, bc they just eat more and more f’ing cake (insert mental picture of small fat boy stuffing his mouth full of cake lol), is to trip over our own boundaries by default. Which is not a bad thing.
I think, reading your post, that means that you are still trying to negotiate boundaries with him….anecdotally, as others say, that tends not to work. And part of the mindf**k is that you perhaps can’t see, as we can see, how very reasonable and fair your boundaries are and how soaked in a twisted sense of entitlement he is. So, you are still - at least mentally - asking rather than telling, if that makes sense.
You are right though to focus on behaviour. Do not let him distract you, or you distract yourself, from that by getting sucked into the whys and whatnots sitting behind the behaviour. Those don’t matter as much as it feels they do. Boundaries are about actions, yours and his. And observable facts. Your h chose to leave. He has told you that he intends to live elsewhere, that he has exited from your previous family life leaving you holding the bag.
Which in my head means he is now a ‘visitor’…..purportedly to see his children….visitors are invited, come then leave at a pre agreed time, and fit around the existing schedule and obligations. Not the other way round. They stay elsewhere or sleep on the put up bed in the spare room. If they are good visitors, they tidy up after themselves a bit and maybe take everyone out for dinner to say thanks for the hospitality. They sometimes bring gifts lol. If you think of your h as not your h, but a person visiting his children, how does that affect how you think it should work?
It sounds as if you have a couple of basics.
That he treats you consistently with civility and respect, or finds somewhere else to stay.
That you agree how long he is staying, a specific date. And if/when you are driving him back to the airport. Or not.
That his visit is to spend time with, and take care of, his OWN children. So there will be a planned schedule for that which allows you, your Mum and the kids to plan their own time accordingly. And that while he is here, you will agree a schedule for him talking to the kids after he leaves which minimises your involvement and allows everyone to get on with their lives. And tbh that gives your kids some basic information about what is going on, that Daddy has chosen to leave and live elsewhere, that he is now a visitor not a stayer. Bc your kids deserve not to be gaslit or left hanging on a shelf. Bc that is how real life grown up consequences come from our choices, whether he likes it or not.
That you have no interest in having any conversation with him about his role as your h unless he has something new and concrete to put on the table for you to consider. If not, then he’s just a visitor visiting his children.
And you will need to have your own back up plan B of what YOU will do independently when/if he does not meet HIS half of these very reasonable requirements. Bc, if I were a betting woman, I’d bet that he will. Bc these folks do. Bc his sense of entitlement and expectation that you all jump to his call and suck it up is obvious as a casual reader. Bc very few humans much like other peoples’ firm boundaries if they don’t serve our own interests….and MLCers tend to behave like teenagers with curfew times for a party
So, I’d start with the basics in the drive home.
His departure date is when specifically? And that he will need to arrange his own transport back to the airport bc, you know, you are busy with all that grown up work/life/kids stuff…..
That he is staying on the couch/in the spare room etc. if that doesn’t suit him, you’re happy to drop him off at a nearby motel.
That the existing schedule for you and the kids is x, meal times are x, activities are x and therefore you propose that he spends y time with them eg school pick ups or weekends while you do other things. That if he wants to take them to x or y activity, that’s fine if it happens in those time slots but it will not include you. Visitor time not family time. That
can eat with you all if he’s around, and use the facilities to do his laundry etc, but you are now living as a solo parent with a ft job….he fits in around everyone else or is welcome to go elsewhere.
That he speaks to you with civility and respect as the mother of his children and an adult or stays elsewhere. And that, if he can’t/win’t do that in the car discussion, you drop him off at a motel. Bc I can’t underline enough how minimal a human requirement that is, my friend….the fact that he can’t/won’t do that is not your responsibility nor does it change how very basic a requirement it is. Like being civil at the airport check in desk if your flight is delayed lol…you may feel angry, but as an adult understand that if you spit insults at the person on the desk, you are going to get bumped off the flight or taken away by the police
It’s remarkable imho how often folks CAN manage their own behaviour with others in all kinds of situations….they just feel that they don’t HAVE to with us bc well, accustomed to cake and unaccustomed to LBS boundaries.
So, get clear in your own head in as few words as possible, what your boundaries are and what you will do when/if he breaks them, what you are prepared to offer and for how long, what you expect in return.
Do not get sucked into justifying, explaining or defending your need for those boundaries. He may not like them but hey ho.
Do not get sucked into the distraction of why he’s doing what he’s doing or owomen or how he feels or all his sadz or your long list of emasculating failures as a wife etc etc.
Just focus on the basics like a broken record…..how long he is staying and how his temporary visit with his kids is going to work in a way which best suits everyone, not just him. Offer first, then inform…..then say no if needed….it’s your house, your job pays for your family, you are currently the sole custodial parent, he left not you, he’s on your turf not vice versa….you have a great deal more power legally, practically and emotionally in this situation than you probably think. And if this makes HIS life more difficult? Well, that’s not your responsibility….after all, he gave no thought to how difficult it might be for you when he decided to go, did he? There was no negotiation about that as I recall
…..ha ha MLCers are pretty good at tending to their own boundaries, right?……and this is just how RL tends to work when you leave your wife and children. Everyone, including him, gets some bitter syrup with the cake.
But I really truly cannot emphasise enough how simple and basic your requirements are. Have an agreed schedule. Behave like a civil polite adult human. Accept that it is not just all about you bc other people, including small humans, have feelings and needs that matter too. That’s it….how basic is that?
Let it go, for it was imperfect, and thank God that it can go
Author
Topic: