[FaithWalker]

Dear LITW,
Just checking in with you.  How is your March going so far?

[Lostinthewoods]

Thank you so much for checking on me FW.
So let me update you about what has happened since.
We are building a house together,  he wanted the building design to be changed but the builder refused to. He was extremely upset spewed anger to the builder. I spoke to the builder ( she is my friend too, also went through her husband's MLC ( I tjink as all the signs were there, he apologised to her in the last days.he is no more). 
She agreed to do it for me.
Now when the negotiations were happening between hee and me, i did not tell my MLCER what conversations i had wirh the builder , the first day i returned back he asked me what had happened in a loud voice , my children immediately came and stood around , so he gave me an excuse that we had to buy water and took me out and started his complaints. I stood my ground and told him that the way he spoke to her was not ok, i think he didn't expect it ( i have never called him out till now) it was a first for.me. he tried justifying why he lost his cool etc.
Then he said that I was like my dad very passive and did not know how to stand for my rights.
I just replied "i know to take care of.myself H , I know how to draw boundaries, I didn't have boundaries with a few people and that was intentional"
He also mentioned that he would not be around too long.
I asked are you going to sc.... around ( just could not control myself)for which he said no, that he would not be alive.
I told him how he could have handled the conversation better, he kept arguing,  I kept quiet and told him to do what he pleases as it would be his choice.
The builder was supposed to call him and confirm that they were going to make the changes. They didn't call till noon, he was restless and kept asking me why they haven't called. I replied that they call when they have made arrangements. He said he will let them know how upset he is etc.
I said my advice is that you understand what they are saying and if it is as per your need just say thank you and be happy.  I leave it to you to make that choice and walked.away.
This me is someone new.
I spoke.to my Thera about this. She gave me a.perspectivd . He was taking me out to do the shouting because now the kids have started questioning him. Till now no one questioned him and he lived without any accountability.
Once the building papers were signed, we have gone back to our silence. Nothing much except if I need him to get something from the shop, or something related to the kids.
Like today both of us were off. I watched movies and he worked on some programming. Not a word was exchanged between us.



Long story

[Nas]

Can I ask what you mean by "I didn't have boundaries with a few people and that was intentional?"

It strikes me as very sad for your children that they seem to have come to feel that they must be on alert and be your protector. The way you describe your talk with your therapist, it sounds as if you perceive your therapist as saying your children have begun to hold your H accountable. Is this really a role you want your kids to have?  And is the result acceptable, that rather than be abusive in front of the kids or others, he's learning to do it more privately?
I'm curious if you see your current situation changing, and if so how...

[Lostinthewoods]

OK, let me start at the beginning and explain how marriage works in my country more importantly my family, once you are married , it is a lifelong commitment. Marriages are normally arranged by the elders. I was the first to break that and ask to be married to someone I wanted. Divorce is unheard of it is literally until death do us apart.
If the marriage breaks the woman is generally blamed and 2nd chances are very rare. ( I'm not saying it us not there) it's not prevalent. Parents spend their lives savings to get the daughter married ( lots of money )
Thank you Nas for your concern
Let me be very frank here, I don't see me leaving this marriage atleast till my younger finishes school. ( finances, teenage etc. ) I've seen my elder one go into a very low place don't want the same happening to my little one.( he loves his dad)
But will I continue to blur boundaries - no that is not going to happen anymore.
This is the boundary I didn't have, why because saving my marriage was my priority. Now it is not.
I am in a better place. If you had seen me earlier I was a clear study for a doormat.
I've come a long way from that.
I've learnt to say no, and speak calmly and state my points. Lot's of personal growth.
Am I ok with this situation? Absolutely not.
Imagine living under the same roof like strangers.
I don't want my children to learn this. I keep talking to them. I've been truthful with regards to my emotions. They understand that what is happening at home is not healthy.
While he did take me out to talk. I refused to let him scream. I refused to listen when he screamed. These are the small ways in which I am laying my lines.
Do not know what is tomorrow. 
Believe me when I say, every night I think of how to leave this relationship with minimal damage to my children. Not a night has gone by when I think how I misjudged.
Multiple times in the day I want to ask him to leave.
In fact I have, he has not left.
Gotta go. Break is over.
Lot's of love to you wonderful people who don't deserve this.

[Treasur]

I am very sorry that your circumstances are as they are, but it’s a good reminder that not all LBS live in societies where the legal and cultural constraints are exactly the same.

Out of interest, what would your situation be, legally, financially and in terms of family support, if your h decided to leave permanently? Could you financially support yourself and your sons if you had to? Do you have a contingency plan? Bc of course you can’t control what he does and it can make us feel just a little stronger if we quietly know that we do have a back up plan? Do you live somewhere where your h could legally choose to make ow a second wife? ( I grew up in the Middle East, so different ways of looking at marriage are not unfamiliar to me.)

So, it sounds as if, for the moment, your choice from what doubtless feels like a whole bunch of not great options, is to find some way to live beside your h as he is right now? But to try to find a way to do so that feels easier, ok for your sons and differently than before? Do you have much support available from your own family? Or other women you might know who have been forced by circumstances to do something similar? Bc safe places for support and validation in RL can make tough things just a little bit easier. In some societies, people might not openly talk about these things but I would be surprised if you were the only woman you know who has struggled with something similar to your own situation, but women tend to talk about these things under the radar, don’t they?

It sounds as if you are now beginning to find your own way to put some boundaries in place around his behaviour, to find ways to say No or to just not engage. What I susoect will help is to also start shifting your exoectations of him….to slowly stop thinking of him as your h, more as the father of your sons who happens to live there. More of a grumpy uncle roommate than a h, if that makes sense. To slowly detach yourself from what he does or doesn’t do, to shrug your shoulders, to walk away. But also to keep you and your sons safe from his behaviour as much as you can. And meanwhile to turn your focus and energies away from him and towards you and your son’s lives.

You may feel like what you are doing now are a series of small things, but actually they are quite big things. And the more you reclaim those boundaries, the easier it will become to build on them. But it is likely that your h will push back against them bc unhealthy, self centred, angry people tend not to like boundaries much. As long as you feel physically safe, that’s fine….let him have as many tantrums as he wants, just walk away as you say.

What else is going on in YOUR life regardless of all this?
What nice things are coming up soon? Fun things with your kids to look forward to? Any plans for new activities or adventures that add a little GAL spice?

[Nas]

Thanks for the clarification, Lost. My question about how you see your situation changing was not specific to leaving the marriage, but about the day to day. I imagine building a house together adds tremendous additional stress, and I hope that you have good guidance on how that will actually play into everything should he decide to make any sudden unilateral decisions (as these folks are wont to do).

[Lostinthewoods]

H Treasure/ Nas,
Sorry for the delayed message/response. Just caught up with work and quite a few visitors. Also generally feeling tired and not wanting to do anything.
OK to answer your questions Treasure
In terms of family support I have my sisters support. She tells me.she will stand by me whatever my decision.
Finances: yes I can take care of my day to day living. Big downsize from the current lifestyle and also education of my children will suffer.
As per law he cannot marry another woman however living together is not punishable by law but it can be used as grounds for divorce
I do not have support places. No one talks about these things as it is pretty shameful and mostly considered a fault of the woman. However few of them did tell me their stories. They have continued living in these situations silently even without confronting the spouse.
In fact I was advised to do so. But I could not live like that and you know my story so far.
Yes right now my way of living is to not engage 99% of the time and 10% to state what I do not accept ( not that it will matter too much. He will do what he pleases)
Yes Nas I do know how things could go. I try to live one day at a time.
We've had a big blow up last week. He had dome conversations with my elder son.
I'll give you the details in the next update soon.

[Lostinthewoods]

Let me just summarize what happened a few weeks ago.
1. He very casually told me that he was not putting money in the kids savings fund.
I blew my top.
What angered me  was when I tried to have a polite reasoning conversation he shook his head to make me look stupid.
2 he was upset , he had planned on going to the farm( he dis not walkout) he left the next morning without telling me
3. He had told us he would be back the same night but did not return neither did he call/msg and let us know he would be delayed.
4. When he returned I did ask him why he did not inform about the delay and he blew his top.
Basically screaming and saying it was enough and I did not want him just a few days ago so why should I care.
I just told him as long as he stays here he has to inform me.
As usual my elder son came to see what was happing and called him out on his behaviour.
The MLCer had a long chat
Typical blaming -
1. Your mother is  like her mom who controlled my dad. ( not true)
2. The marriage day was all about pleasing others for her and not abt the marriage.
( context I belong to a different culture than him, I was the first in many generations to choose whom I wanted to marry. So the atire I wore was based on my culture. He did not care then.)
3. He got my MIL the same atire that he had got me to dress up as a bride( the same colour pattern erc) . I was upset and called him out. Eventually both of us wore the same attire. I was upset. But I never brought it up after that day.
So he tells my son that he lost the spark with me that day and he does not feel anything (ziltch) when he holds my hand.
4. Spoke a lot about the OW, he gave him a slightly different story and has told him that he is helping her financially so that her daughters will not follow the same path as her.
He is willing to live alone said to my son ( I have explicitly asked but no action there)
He repeats that the marriage is broken.
He also agreed that he brought this upon himself.
On my son asking him what he is willing to do he has said he was willing to make any compromise expect stopping the financial aid.
My son had the talk with me. I have told him I meed time as I am not sure.
That we need therapy.  To heal before any decisions.
I understand he is only seeing my anger but not consequences. Working on getting a therapist my previous therapist is not here anymore., and placing consequences.

[Lostinthewoods]

Hi Everyone, 
Any insights from outside the stupid MLC box I am in.
Any thoughts.

[Anoi]

I see similarity, though my H is very polite and nice to me in general, as soon as i put the time boundaries (being home after work in time) he starts monstering or if i mention that OW situation should stop. Basically as soon as i am trying to control (in his opinion) his newfound "freedom" i see the monster. And ofc the part of this freedom is OW.
Unfortunately nothing new under the moon, your husband and mine are playing the same sad script...
I feel your pain and i am sorry about everything that is happening to you, i hope with you that it will get better for You, that sadness will leave your home.