[AllieKat]

I know people will tell me to let it all go because my mlcer spouse died but I’m trying to understand the mlc so I can move forward and heal. I’m seeing things I don’t want to see now that hes gone and I’m left with the mess to clean up. Pretty good indicator he was going to get engaged as soon as D was final! Breaks my heart ofcourse by they only knew each other 2 mths prior to his death. I saw he opened a cc and ran up $2500 in 19 days all on her and seeing her. He was drinking ice coffee, something he made fun of, growing a beard for her, etc etc and the worst his “she is loce of my life” posts on social media not to mention all the i love yous on socials!! Is that typical of a mlc or maybe Ge really was in love? 🤮 she was 10 years younger and had small kids. Our daughter is 25. So especially seeing his own words written online stuck there because I can’t get his stuff deleted is a dagger! Her saying he was the love of her life and she will reunite with him again disgusts me too. I worry maybe because they started dating after he left me maybe it wasnt mlc. I know hes gone it doesn’t matter but to me it does. I adored him for 20 years. Any input I appreciate

[zartheit]

I don't think you need to do anything in particular. I will say that, in my direct experience, letting go was very helpful. I found myself regularly seduced by the promise that knowledge would release me. I could only relax if I knew more. If I understood then I could position myself appropriately. I needed to learn the rhythm before I could participate in the dance. All of this was untrue and kept me in a sort of stasis. I felt more like an addict reaching for just one more conceptual framework that would neatly resolve everything. None of them ever did and I do not believe any of them ever can because this is not a problem to be solved. The intellect, for the most part, is the wrong tool for something like this. This is an emotional wounding and we can't think our way into healing.

Is it necessary to witness these things? I can imagine situations which require this but if there is any way for you to NOT read these things then it seems like it is in your best interest to not read these things, at least for the moment.

These questions, to me, imply a certain singular ground truth that can be extracted, if only you can work hard enough to perform the necessary grunt work to get it. What if the words he wrote are absolutely meaningless? What if they say more about his own hopes, and fears than anything externally legible? What if by trying to interpret them you are effectively trying to taste the color green with your elbow? (thanks Ursa)

My only input is that whatever questions you have can only be answered with time. Right now you are best served by redirecting your energy away from the rubble and onto yourself. What do you need? How can you be comforted? Are there friends that can console you? Are you heating enough? Are you eating healthily? Are you going for walks? Spending time in nature?

[AllieKat]

I have some support but not as much as I probably need. I’m alone. Most support I had has stopped now. Im angry, mad, sad and I want to lash out at affair partner. Her post she will met him again makes me want to choke. I’m also the Marissa from the you tube videos. So much of my stuff has been on there. He ghosted me so I’m left with only crumbs. But that 2 mth AP is what kills me most seeing her posts. Luckily she was smart enough to not to dare write on his obituary page or I think my husbands mother would of hunted her down. I’m trying to take of myself but I’m so lonely more so now that I know he’s never coming back!

[UrsaMajor]

From one perspective, now that he has gone on through the veil, you could treat it as if he, had, in fact died while you were still together.

The blah blah blah form his AP is just that as is hers. Considering the age differences and the "Schmoopie-lurve"  tone to what was posted on FakeBook, one could rightly assume that yes, it WAS an MLC. That is, however, now, irrelevant.

What remains is you and how you deal with the shards of what you had (and expected) as a life and THERE is where the rub lies. Unmet expectations are a real downer, especially now that there is absolutely no way those expectations can ever be met. For those of us whose Mid-Lifers are still running around, we need to "unexpect" anything form them. For you, it is an entirely different matter. I suspect that you and XYZ are possibly dealing with similar issues but in different ways as her MLC'er seemed to have had a "Road to Damascus"  moment before he passed on.

You got no such glimpse that he might be pulling his head out of his  ..... fog.....

First thing though I really need to ask..... WHY in God's Green Earth are you looking at the posts of the AP?
"Doctor, it REALLY hurts when I stick this barbeque fork in up my nose"
Doctor: "Well then..... STOP STICKING THE BARBEQUE FORK UP YOUR NOSE!"
To me, it is nothing more than "pain shopping."  You might need to ask yourself (maybe with some sort of therapy) what you get out of it.

Yes, that sounds VERY harsh but seriously, why would you keep bashing your thumb with a hammer unnecessarily?

As Zartheit noted, the "quest for enlightenment,"  meaning "Oh, if I just had one more piece of information to tell me why <whatever it was> happened or what <fill-in-the-blank>  was supposed to mean" all my issues would magically be resolved is a fools game. It doesn't, unfortunately, work that way.

These questions, to me, imply a certain singular ground truth that can be extracted, if only you can work hard enough to perform the necessary grunt work to get it. What if the words he wrote are absolutely meaningless? What if they say more about his own hopes, and fears than anything externally legible? What if by trying to interpret them you are effectively trying to taste the color green with your elbow? (thanks Ursa)

He said it MUCH better (and nicer) than me but these questions are spot-on. I would add one more. What good is it doing you to keep trying to find the answers?

Trying to "understand"  MLC is like trying to change the path of a tornado by standing outside, waving your arms and yelling at it....... There is no "textbook answer," no concrete "MLC for Dummies"  handbook that tells you step by step what happened, how it happened, why it happened, and what is coming (although there is, I believe, actually a farcical book with that title) so it is really a question of how long do you wish to continue trying to make a hole in the brick wall by bashing your head into it? What is you tolerance for self-inflicted pain? What do you need for yourself to say "Hey! Self! Enough of this. I am strong, I am enough (regardless of what the Mid-Lifer said), I am worthy of love, worthy of respect, I am a whole, complete, and competent person who just happened to get kicked in the squishy bits by someone who is / was NONE of the above. That does NOT diminish MY value, my worth, my beauty, my future, and I refuse to allow it to control me any longer."

Sending hugs (along with a mild kick in the pants, an encouragement to do what you need to do, get the help you need to begin to live again out from underneath the shadow and a reminder - this was NOT your crisis, this was NOT your fault, there was NOTHING you could have done to prevent it or solve it or control it.)

One of my favorite prayers for the evening comes from the New Zealand Book of Common Prayer - one of the verses says:
"What is done, has been done. What has not been done, has not been done. Let it be."

Maybe it is time to just let it be..... and grow forward with shaping the life YOU want to have....

Ursa

[AllieKat]

Thank you and that pain shopping is exactly what I was doing. My daughter saying he was happy now a d wanted the divorce just lingers in my head because she doesn’t believe in the Mlc. I guess I’m feeling like I need to prove it was. I dunno to be honest I don’t know what I’m doing. I cry all tbe time because Im mourning but truth be told I’ve been mourning since he left. I worry that in tbe afterlife he will be with her his 2 mth fix and not me! These are seriously things I think. I need therapy I guess but its to fresh right now for me to do that. I’m just trying to get through work.

I guess I blame myself too. I know I shouldn’t but yet I feel like I should of done more! I always worried about him driving for fear this would happen.

Now I find myself wondering about afterlife and does he still hate me and etc. I really am beating myself up

[marvin4242]

First I am sorry you are in so much distress, it is understandable. You are getting very good advice and perspective from others here and it does sound like you are hearing but struggling with what will help you. It sounds like you are caught in a bit of a bad loop and having trouble breaking it on your own. This is why I suggest getting some professional help as soon as possible if its an option. There are times when we can see and even intellectually understand what we are doing is hurting us, but we still have a hard time changing what we are doing. FWIW I believe you need a little help to stop this loop and then you can properly grieve and go through the process of unraveling all the pain and loss.

And the first step may start by taking the focus off of him and back onto yourself. It has always been sound advice, specially when dealing with MLCers. And maybe even more so now that he is no longer here.

[AllieKat]

Thank you! Grieving a death of a spouse who was only 46 is hard but considering he was divorcing me a d not talking is worse. In some ways some things are easier. Coming home to empty house with all his things didn’t happen because he got all his belongings out in 2004. But the no last conversation, etc is the hard part. Knowing he was on his way to see that Money grabber. I’m trying to forget that part so I can remember the good man he was. Also because he had left I don’t feel like hes gone gone! So thats a thing. I wish I could honestly say I had detached fully but I hadn’t. I made a point not to look at socials till recently because once I saw he was in a relationship I stopped myself.

I am mad at her too and I know that isn’t right. As a woman I’m mad she would entertain a man who isnt fully divorced. But I don’t know all the facts either. I just know a month later shes on socials posting her selfies like nothing happened. I know I’m judging and I should not because if she was perfect or smart she wouldn’t be an AP!  I say I’m trying to understand mlc but honestly I don’t know what I’m trying to do. The more I find out the more mlc is flashing like his sudden spending the last month of his life on her! 

I guess I wish I knew I mattered to him and instead I feel lije he hated me because he was divorcing me and had essentially vanished . That’s what makes this so hard the ending!

[Baxter1]

Sorry you’re here and sorry for your loss. My MLcer also said ‘I’m so happy!’ If you listened to her this was the happiest she’s ever been. She said hasn’t been happy in 24 years (we got married in 2002 so she was miserable when we got married?) Anyways the whole happy thing is just infatuation and it did fade eventually, now she just ‘works a lot and drinks’. The ‘happy’ they feel is just a chemical high, it doesn’t beat the happy that is formed by a life together with kids and homes and pets and all that other good stuff, that’s a true happy in my opinion.

[AllieKat]

Thats very helpful. I know it sounds odd or like it would not help but the reassurance of the way he acted and things he said especially now that hes gone, help me. I guess because his death made me feel like doubting mlc. My daughter feeling he was happy made me think that too and his divorce pushing through. I was standing but now I’m just mourning.

I met with my older therapist and unfortunately the mlc thing isn’t anything she will really address. But for me its a definite part of this because we would not of been divorcing. Don’t get me wrong him leaving in 2024 has made this situation in someways easier. But its like losing him and mourning him twice. I think for me the therapy will help me but I can’t just act like mlc didn’t happen or he was just weird. No he had a gf and was divorcing me. I have to deal and talk about that too.

I believe I wont ever get reassurance on MLC because hes gone but unfortunately I gotta work through those issues too because its apart of it all. My therapist doesn’t want to really go into that but for me its a part of how i’m not processing this as well because I was left wondering if he loved me and it just is so hard to find support with someone who doesn’t understand mlc. Hopefully that makes sense.

[Baxter1]

You really got a double whammy on this one, and yes definitely mass sense.My therapist didn’t understand MLC either, he was more of the mindset that I had never met her so I can’t diagnose her which is fair. Fortunately (or unfortunately) there are resources these days that can help with the healing.

[Tailspin]

I know people will tell me to let it all go because my mlcer spouse died but I’m trying to understand the mlc so I can move forward and heal. I’m seeing things I don’t want to see now that hes gone and I’m left with the mess to clean up.

Allie, My healing got much better when I accepted that what they did was no fault of my own and their problem.  I know it sounds easier said than done.  I realized I was never going to make sense of why my wife stopped talking to me, cheated, and left.  My brain was looking for a reason and I finally realized nothing was going to explain it.  I sat in the sadness for a long time till I realized that life goes on and the world is a big place.  Try to look past the logic of it all because there is none to be found.  In my case my wife was a dismissive avoidant and was overwhelmed.  No excuses for her behavior.  Folks are cruel and MLC makes people do awful things.  I stopped trying to figure out the whys and just started living my life again with my family and friends. 

[Helpnewc]

I do agree with Tailspin.

Something that helped me was our Prime Minister in Australia who spoke about his marriage ending suddenly. He was blindsided like most of us and said:

She certainly had a right to make that decision. I didn't understand it, and I needed to stop trying to understand it, if you like, and accept it,"

I spent a lot of time trying to understand it. But it is entirely impossible to. My wife withdrew, stopped talking and collapsed. In the end, I wasted so much time trying to understand what happened but my life started getting better when I focused on acceptance.

It was not easy. But my energy focused on acceptance achieved something and my energy focused on understanding did not.

I got stuck on why does anyone choose this. But I suspect for them there was no choice.

[AllieKat]

I understand but I think his death makes it harder. Im still the wife but now the widow so its like grief all over again or maybe it never stopped. So instead of just being hurt I was blindsided and left now its those plus he died tragically. I feel like just stopping isn’t helping me either. Maybe its just time I need but at this point I just cant imagine loving anyone lime I did him for 24 years

[zartheit]

I understand but I think his death makes it harder. Im still the wife but now the widow so its like grief all over again or maybe it never stopped. So instead of just being hurt I was blindsided and left now its those plus he died tragically.

It does. All of these land likes blows and each one further complicates your experience. Can you be upset? Are you allowed to be mad? Does it undermine the sorrow, and the loss? How does the complete mindfiretruck of it factor in? Is the remembered joy undermined by the blindsiding? And where does this level of complete bafflement come in?

at this point I just cant imagine loving anyone lime I did him for 24 years

Don't give oxygen to that side of your imagination. That framework has co-opted a string of events into a net that you are now trapped inside of. You've essentially thought yourself into feeling that you are cut-off from love, joy, and happiness. While that may feel true, you will not feel like this forever. I can guarantee that you will not feel like this forever.

You are grieving. Your grief is immense. For me (and I imagine for you as well) it was fractal, seemingly boundless and without any handholds. It tumbled into and ran over me. But as overpowering as it was, I could still feel the warmth of the sun on my face, or the subtleness of the tea on my tongue, or the cool of the forest. I enjoyed peeling an orange, seeing it spritz the air before then smelling it. I listened to dirges, solo pianists, and ambient music and sobbed until my chest felt like I had been working out, and also somehow felt gratitude for the music being able to hold me so effectively. All of these feelings somehow co-existed. There was space for everything and everything in its own place. This is not to minimize the loss but instead an effort to help you recognize your ability sit with it, in it, as it.

[Standing Strong]

Hi Allie,

I'm sorry you have so much on your plate....... here is my 2 cents 

It's so easy for the LBS to forget that their MLC'er is a broken person. Broken. Not fully functional, not partially functional. Broken. No function.
We want to see what we loved, and wonder "where are they?", "will they come back?", "I want one more glimpse of them - the person I loved".
In your case - he passed away before you could even see if he could put himself back together. That is tragic, heck, MLC itself is tragic.

The truth is, no matter if he would have been able to reconstitute himself or not, the exact man you knew was gone the moment he broke.
That is one of the bitter things we discover as LBS: That person, that personality, that unique fingerprint we knew is finished. It will never be THAT person ever again. They have changed from damage - and we change from that same damage.

What I would say is: You loved that man for 24 years........ you were his, and he was yours. It was completely and totally real. No question.
The break which is MLC produces something else, someone else.
When you look at all he did towards the end - that isn't the man you knew, is it? No it isn't. I'm sure the earlier version would be aghast if he could have looked and seen the later version.
So you see, you had the best, you had his best, and he had yours....... that was your time, and that was love.

You aren't saying goodbye to the broken human, you're saying goodbye to the husband you remember, and loved.
That's why it's so hard. That's why it's so difficult to let go.

Here is your comfort: You remember HIM. You are the only one who does and will, in the way you knew him.
Like an album of pictures, so is your life. You get to take out the photos of him at the end, because those were the broken human.
Look at the good years, the good times, and all you were blessed with....... and smile.
After a time, you will close that book and put it on the coffee table. A while later it'll be on the bookshelf.

New pictures will be made and placed in that book of your life, but always you will be the keeper of memories. There is no reason to honor the broken human, but there's every reason to remember the person from before. 

Take care sweet AllieKat,

-SS

[AllieKat]

Thank you so much!!! All of you❤️


I am seeing 2 therapists and the one is familiar with MLC so that is helping me. Its not about dwelling or not moving on but truth be told I need to understand it better to move into a better place. I will never know of course but educating myself more on it is helping. Maybe its talking to someone who is a professional and is aware of it was key and I’m lucky to have found her.

[MadLuv]

I’m so sorry and I totally understand why you are spinning as this takes years to settle into and you haven’t had that truly. It’s a good step to see a therapist and talk your way through so you can clear your head a bit. Also, google any questions you have ruminating. The one thing I do appreciate. About AI is it pulls from so many documented sources and gives you some answers to your questions that even a therapist can’t do. It can be very helpful like journalling.

I agree with the others that when they leave they are not the person we knew. When you can truly absorb it that helps. I think we all hope for all our questions to be answered and we can hang on to that hope a little to long, but your hope on him giving you that is gone and so you are grieving who he was and your grieving him being gone now. That’s a lot to take in. So give yourself some grace and know thaf you will clear all the confusion and loss with time.