Well she is vehemently denying ever owning a Metallica t shirt and says I must have been in some other woman's driveway.

I know on paper it looked like I was going back to my xw in 2018 and 2019. In reality I knew what was going to happen. I was going to lose my son's and that's exactly what ended up happening. So I really went back for their sake and I failed to save them.

That is a hole in my heart that cannot be repaired. I haven't seen nor heard from them since 2021 and 2022 respectively. She shut it down when my custody rights expired.

CS did finally end in March without much fanfare and I have no clue if either one ever finished college. I was never asked for tuition money. Meanwhile I really have no clue where they live.

Meanwhile the bill collectors have started to swirl this summer looking for her.

So this forum woman and I had a difficult 2018-2022. I always pushed her away. I really didn't trust women anymore. LOL, I trusted Thunder. She was the only one. OMG I could talk to her everyday all day long. I really love Thunder. Always have.

I was really scared to get into a relationship with this forum woman meanwhile we never had a problem with communication. We had been talking since 2016.

So I needed her to be the pursuer. I was never going to pursue. A woman could have fallen out of a tree and landed on me and I may have still not noticed.

So when she said she wanted to be in a relationship with me back in May 2022 I was ready to try with her. I have seen her every month since and our time together has always ranged between 4-12 days at a time.

Yes I use all my work leave on her and it can be an expense travel wise but she is so worth it.

Its not really ideal but we live far apart. At least 5+ hours. I finally have gotten tired of the distance and told her I will begin to file paperwork at work to transfer towards her. We will be 1 hour and 30 minutes apart which is much better.

I want to spend more time with her so that is my impetus. I miss her terribly on the weekends. I love taking her out and spending time with her on our adventures.

She knows I have a lot of regret about 2018-2022. I never told her how I felt. Logically I know there was nothing more I could do. I had to end the marriage and go through the nasty divorce process and it just took time unfortunately.

We did have plans in 2020 but the pandemic shut us down. Meanwhile I spent 2021 with my sons because that's the only year I had any custody.

I could never stand that time word. Never did. We were talking about it last night and I think the distance did help us though. I could not imagine actually living in her proximity and going through this divorce process. It would have been maddening.

I felt compelled to meet her in April 2018 and now I am feeling compelled to finally move towards her. We are both very excited and a bit impatient now as it will take some time to get it approved at work.

I am very sorry for the loss of your mother for all of your family. I always liked the sound of both of your parents and your mum sounded like a peach of a human.

It is funny, I have been thinking about when I first posted here many years ago. At the time, I was just treading water on good days. I didn't want a divorce and had all intentions of hanging in there - how long could Xh be in crisis? Slowly, I came to realize I had to save myself and the kids because Xh wasn't climbing on any lifeboat. He was on some journey to who knows where.

My one aunt told me that I needed to grieve my Xh as if he had died. She, if anyone truly understood. Most people I befriended here also understood. I realized for me, it was no longer about standing, it was about how to survive and if Xh came back around, perhaps we would someday reconnect. That was, unbeknownst to me at the time in my power as to whether or not I would hold out hope or move on. Accepting I couldn't control what Xh did or didn't do was a big step in taking control of my own life.

The divorce was finalized nearly 10 years ago and now I cannot imagine a life with Xh. Not the version I see before me now. I have seen him and heard from him, although frankly, I wish I didn't. It is a difficult dynamic, as S is in contact with him and I do not want to create issues for either kid. I tolerate the contact from time to time, but it leaves this tiny "gossamer thread" as my one LBS friend used to call it. I do have more control though and I don't engage deeply because it isn't healthy for me in the long run. And quite frankly, while I am in a very secure relationship now, I refuse to let Xh insert himself into my new life.

Xh is still on some strange path. Maybe it is the path he was meant to be on - IDK. I don't quite believe that. I really believe in God having a plan and life tests us along the way, but I also have come to believe in God giving us free will. When Xh refused and continues to refuse to face his demons and creates more issues, it is hard to believe he is facing any of life's tests and just engages in his own free will, no matter how destructive it is. He has not spoken to D in nearly 4 years and has told S he doesn't have a D. S has been troubled by the comments and has pulled back significantly in his own time with Xh. There have been so many moments that have been easy "ins" with D and Xh instead just repeats with her, his own dynamic he had with his F. D has created boundaries and has grieved him as if he has died, but it still hurts when her birthday rolls around and he is sending me pics of S on a trip they are on together, with strange commentary, as if he and I are buddies. It is very hard to not lash out and react with Xh, but I know it is better to just say "thank you" and leave it at that. I don't engage beyond that.

Over the years, the relationship I am in unfolded in ways that make no logical, "on paper" sense. So much so, that I believe the universe kept throwing us back together beyond just being friends along the way. Because their situation seems so similar, it was what drew us together. I had so much to be grateful for during those hard years, as he was one of the few people who understood and would push me. There were times along the way that were not easy, as we both were figuring out what came next in our own lives. Somehow, the universe or God intervened in some odd ways and we have found ourselves knowing that life without one another is not something we can imagine. If I were to have said that 10 years or more ago, I would have told myself that wasn't possible. Six years ago, I would have not completely believed I would trust and feel so secure.

It hasn't been all unicorns and rainbows. The past few months in particular have been difficult. My M required more care. While she was not dealing with full memory loss and was at home, the day to day care fell primarily on me to help my F with. Little things that took so much time and energy. The saddest part was that she knew she had a form of dementia that was a bit more unpredictable in that it sometimes affected her memory more and other times it might be physical. Some days we laughed about it, but based on the initial diagnosis, I knew in my heart some event was going to be around the corner. The doctor had warned me that my M would probably be fine and stay stable for some time, but there would come an event that would probably be significant. I was preparing myself as best as I could.

January, I had to have surgery that involved my achilles, so I was already out the gate frustrated with knowing recuperating was going to be a slow process. Today was the first 4 mile walk I have been able to take after loads of PT. It is better than it was last year in terms of pain, but it didn't start my year of exactly on a high note. Yet, there was this man who just adapted and took me places and helping me waddle along with a boot and being mindful of how many steps I could go over the past few months.

March would bring the event that changed everything with my M. Ambulances and then ICU for a week, followed by the hospital for an another and then rehab for another couple of weeks. The changes were so noticeable. Part of me was grateful she no longer realized she had dementia. She was never coming home, that I knew, no matter how much improvement she seemed to show at times. And then without warning, one morning they called while I was teaching to tell me that they were rushing my M back to the hospital. It lead to a week in hospice and a day before my birthday, she passed away. The sadness still hasn't really hit me and for a long time, I didn't know if it was guilt or some trauma response or if it is that I have been slowly grieving. I struggled to reconcile who she became the past few years with who she was. Similar to crisis in that regard. It is slowly coming back - the memories of what she was like. My focus now has been my dad and helping him with this huge adjustment. He is very self sufficient, but he just turned 89 and M dying has left this giant hole in his life.

My kids were devastated. S is planning on moving into my parent's house and that is helpful. D is still finishing her PhD, so she has been pushing forward. It hasn't been easy on either of them. When M died, Xh reached out to S and to me. D heard nothing from him via text, etc. He sent me this long "heartfelt" text and quite frankly, it didn't bring me any peace or stir any emotions in me. It was honestly very odd for me. I suspect it was sincere, but it didn't bring me any comfort at all. Then when I realized he hadn't even sent D a text saying "so sorry about Nana" - I thought how hard can it be to do that? A text was the easiest form of communication he could have sent and yet, he avoided that as well.

Meanwhile, in all this time my own relationship seemed to be just on this weird plain, because I think I have been a bit numb. Yet, the thing that struck me is this man was there at every bump. He took my dad places while I was at the nursing home with M. Sat with me at the nursing home. Has been there no matter what and just being there at every turn. I realized that it has been that way over the years and he has been the one who shows up consistently. He is the one that puts up with my crazy spur of the moment adventures. We laugh all the time and even when we had a what I guess could be called an argument, although that doesn't quite fit, the thing was we both took some time and then worked through it. No running. No blaming. Just met each other midway and worked through it. It completely solidified for me what I have known for quite a long time now. I trust this man and feel a security I am not sure I ever truly felt with Xh.

I did love Xh, but now looking back I also always had this realization that he had some baggage that he wasn't addressing. I knew that the moment we started dating. I just had no idea he would avoid it to the point of becoming this odd version of himself. This version of him is here to stay, according to D's assessment. She believes he is going to keep following the same path FIL took. Even if I wasn't in a relationship, I know Xh, even if he came back would not be an option for me. I have changed too much and I don't trust him at all. Based on the things I do know, he is still chasing things and trying to put a bandaid on his issues. OW is still in the picture from what I gather. Maybe they are blissfully happy - IDK. Even if they are, it is not something that bothers me in the great scheme. He made his choice.

Most days, I don't think at all about Xh, TBH. Instead, I smile when I know this new man is at work and sends me a text just to say hello. My M would giggle when I would get those texts because she always knew. She said to me right before she went into the hospital she was glad I had someone in my life and knows he is a good man. D has warmed up to him immensely in the past few months, which has been huge. D would have given any man a hard time. S, he has always been a fan and a couple of weeks ago asked me when I was going to have him move in with me. I was a bit shocked and S said he wished I would. The cats have accepted him and well, the dog - she sees him and it's like I don't exist. LOL.

Twice last week, my F ran into him while they were both out and about. They had coffee the one day and my F has said over and over how much he enjoys spending time with him.

Ten years ago, I was a puddle on the floor and didn't see this outcome. Now, I am asking this man and I are having conversations that are all about our future together and making plans. I would have told someone 10 years ago that they were crazy and I would never be able to love or trust anyone else ever again. I was so wrong.

This thread will be quiet for a while until I find a new source. The person that used to write these "forecasts" (Tony Bell) sadly passed away in July so.... I am looking for a new source to keep you all enlightened and entertained...

Came across someone talking a bit about their experience hiking the Appalachian Trail as a way of processing the grief of losing their father:
https://thetrek.co/appalachian-trail/there-is-no-done-reflections-on-a-completed-at-thru-hike/

Here are some quotes that I feel would resonate with us here.

I cannot describe the agony of walking twenty miles through driving rain to someone who has not walked twenty miles through driving rain. I cannot explain the awe of waking up to a rainbow mountaintop sunrise to someone who has not woken up to a rainbow mountaintop sunrise. [...]
I just can’t explain it. I can barely make sense of it myself.

After Dad died, life seemed to follow a different order. His loss was a tsunami-sized dismantling of what I believed, what mattered, and what I thought I could control – a complete reversal of my previous notion that life was stable and secure. It was a terrible, and necessary, awakening. Grief taught me to live by a different set of rules: to not only expect, but accept, the unexpected.

I think that the greatest challenge of both thru-hiking and grief is accepting what is rather than what could or should be.

I'm going to stop now or I'll just quote everything.

🎵 This is for all those music heads out there! Tried to get a nice cross-section of appropriate tunes to spin for you. I feel confident each of us has been to every single one of these places at one time or another on this journey.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_1Pk2bKF3xs - UK74R1512040
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a-C9pUGszsw - somebody to love
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h1L_fLJX7Gk - stay with me
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OzoFHatryJQ - my sound
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0T93Pebbjgc - give u up
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aDKGnFeLnF4 - medicine for horses
And of course
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BBtcd75mpPM - I still got it