Thankyou it did sometimes the outside opinion is exactly what is needed.
Your mum HB was amazingly brave to commit herself. It's the bleakness inside. No words can describe it truly. THe things you loved so dearly mean nothing less then nothing even as you wish it were different.
That's the twist, you want it different but you can't. Not that you won't, you can't. And so you start trying to do things that will make you feel even fear is better then nothing. Even anger.
I for a short while stole things from shops. Stupid little things because I would FEEL something fear and then TRIUMPH becasue I put i over someone.
It didn't last long thank god. But when I hear about celebrities who got caught stealing I go AHA. They lost the buzz from the small stuff and just kept needing to get a feeling. Has nothing to do with the items, generally you don't care about them its the "feeling", you are alive.
You guys have all seen it. All of you. The empty hollow look, as if they'v checked out but worse.
Or the flat look as the monster comes out to play.
You know why its flat? because part of them is in conflict, the monster feels alive when he sees pain its a triumph (feeling... see I can do something...) but the person you care for is in there trying to stop, you may not believe it but we are. And the monster doesn't want to stop becasue it feels. Someone else is hurting not just them. And so the eyes are flat becasue the monster doesn't want oyu to see, but you do anyway, when it slips and the torment you see i ntheir eyes is there. we have seen that too unless you have a vanisher.
I was a vanisher, I ran from H. To PROTECT him.
I would imagine me killing him in all sorts of ways and the idea of that feeling of power...
Often a vanisher vanishes because they see you at risk from them.
They see that you are strong and will live without them.
The vanisher goes through the same things as a boomerang you don't see it though.
This, and many other things in HopeFloats story have helped me this morning - thank you. I've read several books now on depression and got an inkling of what goes on inside the person's head but we can't ever truly understand it fully I think until we've been there. I did get there a little bit during part of H's MLC. I began to rant and rage at a friend - truly. I couldn't believe I did it, and was so embarrassed after. It was so trivial, too. I had hoped to speak to her and I got a text saying she was at a friend's house... I saw red. Because I needed to talk to her so badly. The monster that spit back in fury was not me. But I got an insight that day into what depression (I suppose I had it a bit) could do to a person. You feel awful. And the anger is desperate, and you loathe yourself after for being so needy.
But HopeFloats, you are making me realise that whenever I get down because I think of my H having a ball (freedom, bachelor pad, new girlfriend, no burdens of house upkeep etc etc) he really isn't. And when I think he doesn't miss me AT ALL, well, I just don't know, do I... I don't think love of 20 years can be turned off like a faucet, can it?
I am reading your story with interest. Thanks so much for the brave sharing. An MLC on top of an MLC... That's brutal.
UK S