Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: Sideways on April 08, 2011, 11:33:57 AM
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I posted this in my other thread, but I started to think maybe I should have posted in a separate thread, because it is a question?? So here it is;
OK I am in need of some guidance today. I am contemplating sending this email to my H:
Dear H
Thanks for emailing me.
Yes my lawyer called me on refinance thing. He said it is a no go. I want to say something here, in regard to this whole mess. There seems to be a lack of communication going on between everyone. There seems to be a lack of communication about what it is I am supposed to be doing. If there is something you are waiting for me, that I should be doing, I need to know. I am not holding up, nor am I dragging out anything..I have been waiting.
I don't understand any of this. I am being forced to find work at my age and you know how hard it is to find a job I can do. I don't understand why I have been put in this position that now I have to worry about maybe losing my home. Where would I go? What about my Mom and Dad?? I am the one who helps them. What about D's losing their home?? What about the animals??
I don't understand how you can be okay with what you are doing.? YOU are the one who decided, all by yourself, that the marriage isn't working and couldn't be mended, so then you left everything. You abandoned us all. So please explain to me why I, the girls, the animals and extended family are paying the price for it ALL?? Can you tell me?
signed S
Is it a good plan to send it? Between his lack of words and lawyers telling me I have house, then saying if I don't go in and try to get a loan I will not keep house, I am so confused and angry. Then I hear H will take on more debt to make payments lower for me and that is a good thing. So I don't know?
I feel I need to say these things to him. What is your take on it? I want to run it through you all first.
Thanks for your time reading this. Love and Light-S
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Don't send that e-mail, it is full of expectations and controlling.
It will not do you any good and even though you want to send it the end result
will not be what you desire.
He will not be able to tell you why he is in crisis.
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I would not send it, either.
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Please do not send it - write it out by all means sometimes that can have a cathartic effect but do not send it - it will not give you the answers you seek.
Reset your expectation meter to zero and keep your eyes forward.
stay strong
P
xx
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I will not tell you whether to send it or not... but if you decide to just clean up the 2nd and the 3rd paragraphs, the last 2 seems "emotional" while the first paragraph seem business like.
I placed a line over the statement that you have to take out.
"Yes my lawyer called me on refinance thing. He said it is a no go. I want to say something here, in regard to this whole mess. There seems to be a lack of communication going on between everyone. There seems to be a lack of communication about what it is I am supposed to be doing. If there is something you are waiting for me, that I should be doing, I need to know. I am not holding up, nor am I dragging out anything..I have been waiting."
Now if you have other information you want to include then you can place that in the 2nd paragraph. Don't show him that you are scared.
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I'm sorry, but I agree that you should not send it. Before I found this site, I sent similiar emails and wrote H letters looking for answers since talking never worked. I understand how badly you want him to understand you and give you the answers you deserve. He would respond with nothing but blaming you for why he HAD to leave, how you put yourself in the situation of needing a job, how the girls will be just fine if you are reasonable, etc. You'll be left feeling more frustrated and hurt than before.
If you do decide to send it, my advice would be not to read his reply.
I'm sorry you're in this horrible situation.
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I understand your desire for answers . We all do but we know from personal experience you won't get them All your H will do is use this as an excuse to say "see this is why I had to leave". They don't need any ammo they are quite creative in their distorted minds to justify their actions to us the LBS'.
I struggle every day with the same thing but I am learning not to ask H any questions because I never know what he will say . My heart cannot take the hurtful things that can come out of his mouth. For example the last times we spoke on the phone back in February , I asked him if he loved me and he answered" if I kept asking that question I would not like his answer." Well when H said that I had the answer to my question :( We spoke once March 9 and that was a disagreement about H taking our tax refund. There hasn't been contact since. It is probably better for us both right now. We have too much work to do on ourselves to be fighting each other.
No contact is best if you cannot control your emotions ( I let my emotions control me so I know this is the best option for me now but I do back slide) But you have children together so Iwould think limited contact would probably be a good choice for your situation. Try not to have any type of R discussions your H won't respond in a favorable manner.
I am not trying to sound negative. I just am realizing now as I read other LBS' stories how to detach and think of how to best work on myself. Knowing that I love my H more than anything yet at this moment the man I love is nowhere to be found. I keep praying that God will guide us both to work our way thru this and back to each other. This will happen in His time not mine and only if He wants it.
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I have also been guilty of the email writing, and for some reason I feel compelled to write him, to point out his stupidity, and how this is all going to come back to him one day.
I have been one hard headed old broad! Always learn things the hard way, but when I finally get it, I understand things so clearly, but hindsight is 20/20.
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:-[ :-[ ::)
Okay, so I am embarrassed. And I had a good laugh at myself as well. After I wrote this, I headed to get groceries. While on my way, it came to me that If I had to ask you all for your advice on this...then I shouldn't be sending it. :) This I have learned from the past things I wanted to write. OP I recall you writing the same words to me before about another thing I wrote. ;D
I also figured out I do this writing when I get mad.
OP-DGU-MF- F-G4Y -T:
I know better! At this point in time I should have this down pat! I do have to say that I was NOT sending it with the intention of getting a reply back. I know all to well he would not respond. He never has. And I was not looking for one. I don't want one. My intention when writing it was more of a telling him off sort of thing. It's intention was more like, "Look Buck-o...how about you think about someone else besides yourself for a change."
I was thinking about past situations like this, and realized I do this whenever I get mad. While getting groceries it also occurred to me that I just need to vent.. I know for sure it wouldn't have any effect on my H, I wrote it because it felt good to do so and helps me process. But it would not be useful sending, although a part of it may be at some time in the future.
ece-
Thanks so much for helping point out the more approriate way to go about it. I get started with a business like way and then....well you see what happened.
When it is something that is right, I have no trouble formulating it or needing verification for what I need to say. The words are there in the right way I need them. I liked how you helped me clean it up. I may use it in the future.
Thank you so much everyone for helping me out. Now I know...At first inkling when I am writing, if I feel I need to run it through here first...I KNOW I should not send it! ::)
If you are reading this Mercury, thank you for your advice on my other thread. I thank you for how you helped me clean it up and your support.
Love to all- S
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You know, we need a thread that is a rant thread... like a "dear Santa" letters thread.... you know, like the post office puts out that special mailbox at Christmas time for the Santa letters? We need a thread here that is titled... "Dear A-hole" and then we can all just file our feelings on that thread...
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LettingGo,
that is a good idea! I really think so.
I love the "Dear A-hole."
That could be the name of the thread.
<hug> S
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Sideways,
I'm glad that you wrote the letter. I hope that it helped get some of those feelings/questions etc. out.
It helped for you to vent.
I think you already knew that sending the letter would be a waste of time.
I can't reason with my H. I know that.
But, for months I kept trying.
Really crazy.....
Write it out. File it away somewhere.
Maybe someday you will be able to share it with him. Maybe not.
Maybe someday - you won't feel the need to.
You're smart. You wrote it. You shared it. You got feedback before you sent it.
I used to be so reactionary - I feel the need to respond immediately.
I've learned - nothing regarding my H's MLC has any urgency at all.
It's like the weather in some places. For sure, it's going to change.
Hang in there.
L