Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: Mermaid on April 16, 2011, 04:29:21 PM
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I was wondering how common these scripts were. Do they all say all of these? I know there's a lot of other common things that they say, that I've picked up from "The Script our MLCer reads from"
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=203.0;all (http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=203.0;all)
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=1707.0;all (http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=1707.0;all)
(RCR: It was split into two threads and may soon be across more)
I love you but I’m not in love with you.
I love you but love just isn't enough
I'm unhappy and I have to figure out why
I need space
I'm numb, I don't feel anything
It is my time to be selfish.
I need to know if I'm going to miss you
I hate doing this to you.
You’ve been amazing
OP is just my friend.
This is not about OP.
You were so cold to me.
You are so controlling.
We can still be friends
I’ve been unhappy for a very long time
I have not loved you for the entire time we've been married.
I don't even know why I married you.
We have nothing in common.
The kids will get over it
I don't know what the problem is
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Please add: And I don´t feel guilt about it!
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How about....
I'm not having an affair. That's the last thing that I need right now. (At the time, he was having an affair - SURPRISE).
L
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Mine also told me He was very, very unhappy and couldn't see himself being retired with me. Oh, and he said he's tired of the roller coaster I put him on.
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I've gotten A LOT of those...
plus:
I have to be true to myself
When I was walking down the Isle, I was thinking "how stupid am I"....
That was after he told me that he wasn't happy for 6 months, 9 months, 3 years, 5 years, 10 years.... please....
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Really?!
How about when he said I have been unhappy for ten years when the children and I know that he has been acting strangely on and off for about 18 mos. Also recognized that there was a younger employee that died suddenly of a massive heart attack. BD was 7/10.
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We had moved house just as he was starting to act weirdly at times. So I got
'This was a house to far!'
When I asked how he thought the the children would react he said
'they know I am unhappy and deserve some happiness'
Oh and 'you took the bushiness to the brink of bankruptcy' that is interesting as he has!
xx
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My now ex husband (as I had it confirmed yesterday my divorce was final on the 11th April) has also cited the following:-
* you are too soft with the children
* you've never liked my father
* your passion for Hornsea Pottery is stifling me
* you like the kitchen sink too clean
* you have rejected my lovemaking (yep sure did - insulted me all day and then expected me to be a sex Goddess at night)
* you have a box of cards ready for every occasion - there is no spontaneity with you
* the kids will accept OW for the amazing person she is
* OW is a million times the person you will ever be (yeah right!!)
* I want you to be happy and I just don't make you happy
* it's my job P it's so stressful - there isn't and hasn't ever been anyone else
and the BIGGIE
What about my chance of happiness P???
((hugs)0 everyone
Pxx
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I love you but love just isn't enough
I'm unhappy and I have to figure out why
I need space
I hate doing this to you.
You’ve been amazing
This is not about OP.
We can still be friends
I’ve been unhappy for a very long time
We have nothing in common.
The kids will get over it
I don't know what the problem is
I got these ones... plus some of the ones the other people have mentioned....this one by Justasking
When I asked how he thought the the children would react he said
'they know I am unhappy and deserve some happiness'
This one as well from forthetrees
And I don´t feel guilt about it!
IT'S ALL ABOUT THEM... my sweeties... totally about them! :(
hugs Stayed...
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This one killed me: " I've been doing for everyone my whole life, taking care of everything... now it's time for me."
I thought, gee, so have I!
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Rememberer!
That was the one my H told me and the kids - on the the day he left.
My S16 (at the time) - looked at his father, shook his head, and said, "You know, Dad, all I am hearing you say is me, me, me." I was proud of my Son for saying that!
L
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My favorite: "I've always been good and told to to the right thing. For once, I want to be bad. Don't I deserve that?"
I responded that most murderers only kill once. Yet, the courts don't let them get away with one murder for being good most of their lives.
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Ready,
Good comeback - but probably didn't get through to her.
L
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" I've been doing for everyone my whole life, taking care of everything... now it's time for me."
I got that, too. And also along the same lines.
"I don't want to be responsible anymore."
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I did not hear the "I love you, but am not in love with you".......rather I heard something that had more projection in it. My ex-wife told me that I never loved her. In a counseling session, the counselor asked her if she loved me. Her response was she didn't know.
I later talked with my counselor about that and he said her answer of "I don't know" is a perfectly acceptable answer from someone in MLC.
I definitely heard many of the rest of the MLCer lines verbatim......we have nothing in common.....I knew we should not have married.......tired of responsibility, etc.
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I've just thought of a few more.
'Our marriage has come to it's natural end!' Wasn't party to that discussion but OW was.
'I don't feel any further forward now than I did at 13 years' That is actually quite an right 21 months on. He has no money, no wife, no children, no home and not much future as it stands today. So I agree with that line.
'You always belittle me in front of our friends'
'I loved you very much but not at all now'.
Phew :-\
xx
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I don't think Pumpkin is in MLC, I only heard about 90% of those lines. :o ;D
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Rememberer
My H said exactly the same thing. Word for word. Along with some others.
I love you, but not as much as I should do.
I have been bored for 4 years.
I wasn't particularly unhappy, just not happy!!!
We have nothing in common.
We have never had a conversation.
I have never had a youth.
I just wanted to do things for me.
Being a clinging boomerang, during a touch and go I usually get
I want to work towards coming back home.
Please don't give up on me.
You do know I have always loved you.
I just can't stay away.
I hate what my life has become.
I want to work things out between us.
I miss you.
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Yes, they very clearly all got the same script when the jumped on board the MLC bandwagon.
It would be nice if someone rewrote the script.
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"It is, what it is"
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I myself, find it interesting when you don't try and retaliate for any of things they do or have done, that somehow there is a conspiracy behind that. You know, "you have motives behind everything you do", wth? Because I'm not beating you over the head with the craziness you have brought upon me and the kids, I have motives? Yep, I got a motive alright...peace...
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"It is, what it is"
I said that to my h and he got angry at me! He asked me what it means ;D
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I got 'I love you like a sister'
funny how he woke up in the same bed with his arms wrapped around me just before he said it.
I don't have a sister, but i am sure this would not be the norm lol
HUGS
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"It is what it is" Spoken by him was the last straw months ago.
I got PO'ed BIG time! >:( >:( >:( >:( I HATE that phrase!!!
Told him "NO It is what you MAKE it" And at that point I told him I had ENOUGH and I was done!!!!
Next day HUGE email about all kinds of stuff..he knew I was on my way out. Even though we are divorced he still wouldn't watch that door close.
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"It is what it is" was the quote on my h's ow fb page.
Butterfly
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Ask him if he knows with his "It is what it is" That "His heads up his a**"
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I'll do that. I would bet he doesn't know that.
Butterfly
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yeah... a few more...
I've already grieved over our marriage,
I know the pain that you are feeling.... :o yeah, ok...WTF
My personal favorite.... "I love her like I love Kevin" :o :o :o
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B Fly
Hand him a hand mirror and tell him to bend over and have a look >:(
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Ha, yes, I should do a clinging boomerang poll. Mine has also said
I want to work towards coming back home.
Please don't give up on me.
You do know I have always loved you.
I just can't stay away.
I want to work things out between us.
I miss you.
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Well I've heard three or four of the OP list, though the ILYBINILWY was slightly different: "I love you but I can't feel it."
I've also had:
"It's my time."
"I want to have fun, be a party girl again."
"Is this all there is?"
"I was deluding myself we were in the same relationship."
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They say the same things... why? It's because there are only a few ways of "BREAKING UP" with us. If you search the internet or ask your friends and relatives on the common phrases that are used to break up with a girlfriend/boyfriend you'll find it very similar to the phrases that they use.
Our relationship as we know it is gone it has to be rebuilt from the ground up, so we need to get to the "Acceptance" stage. If you VIEW these as SCRIPTS, you're still not quite there if you just accept these phrases as them breaking up with us then you know you are accepting this situation. From there we could start the rebuilding process of ourselves then the relationship.
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They say the same things... why? It's because there are only a few ways of "BREAKING UP" with us. If you search the internet or ask your friends and relatives on the common phrases that are used to break up with a girlfriend/boyfriend you'll find it very similar to the phrases that they use.
Well, not really. A quick search found:
Our relationship is not working out; Our relationship is on the rocks; I am not happy in the relationship; I feel like I need more space to myself; The relationship is not what I hoped for; I can't go on like this; I cannot continue living this lie; I can't continue with our relationship; We can't be together anymore.
The sort of things our MLCers say are more confused, nebulous. They often sound more like the need for time out than a definate end. Confusion is probably the central characteristic of MLC, and it's different from ending a bad relationship.
If you VIEW these as SCRIPTS, you're still not quite there
Au contraire, mon ami, I think many of us have found that there's some comfort in the similarity of what they say to us. From this, we can accept and understand what is happening, and begin our own journey to wholeness.
We do need to know they may never come back, and need to decide if we will take them back. We also need to let them complete their journey, and to complete our own.
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"We do need to know they may never come back"
So which statements the MLCers says indicates that they are coming back? And which ones says they aren't?
"and need to decide if we will take them back"
All the LBS have this from the get go we are in control of this statement. It wouldn't matter what the MLCer tells us, you stand if you believe in Standing. We all have a different degree of tolerance. Eventually we have to distinguish whether we are just holding on to an abusive relationship or not.
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"We do need to know they may never come back"
So which statements the MLCers says indicates that they are coming back? And which ones says they aren't?
None of them. We don't know until they do.
"and need to decide if we will take them back"
All the LBS have this from the get go we are in control of this statement. It wouldn't matter what the MLCer tells us, you stand if you believe in Standing. We all have a different degree of tolerance. Eventually we have to distinguish whether we are just holding on to an abusive relationship or not.
This is true, but it doesn't always happen at first. Some come here having decided that they were done, and change their minds. Others are desparate for the return of their spouse, and at first would accept them back under any condition. As we have seen in the last year, this changes with time. Not only does our degree of tolerance differ, so does our capacity for forgiveness (and it depends what we have to forgive), and for rebuilding trust.
Edite for quote brackets
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I heard all of those and then some. He also said:
He thought his life had been a waste of humanities time.
Everyone has wanted a piece of him and he's tired of providing for everyone.
He has to get rid of me so he can find out if it's MLC or not. (this is one of my "favorites")
I've been unhappy for a couple of years now.....
Losing feelings for you for 10 years.......
Not sure if I ever loved you.
I NEVER loved you!!
You disgust me!
But, my ALL TIME FAVORITE is this lame story he gave me:
He said 4 days BEFORE he proposed to me:
I overheard you tell someone you would kill me if I broke your heart, so I knew the only way I could be safe was to propose to you.....
then marry you....
sleep with you....
have 3 kids with you.....
stay married to you for over 33 years....
I said, "let me get this straight. Instead of being madly in love with me, you actually were scared to death and thought I was going to kill you? So instead of running far, far away from me, you married me?!"
His reply: YES.
This story was so good that every time he called the police on me, I shared it with them. It never failed to get a big laugh and they were instantly on my side. One even said, he must be in midlife crisis! :)
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Amazing what goes through their heads! ::)