Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: Shantilly Lace on April 16, 2011, 06:38:05 PM
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Has anyone heard from her?
Is she all right?
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I didn't actually hear from HB but she accepted my request on alt 8 hours ago.
L
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I sent her a PM today cause I'm also worried. No reply yet
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I think she posted somewhere that she needs time away from the forum to get well again. I'm sure she is ok.
We all send her our love and prays.
xx
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I remember that too JA
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I have just clicked on her name and she was looking at the forum on 15th April in the evening.
So alls well. Just needs time out to get herself well, although we miss dreadfully and her wise words.
xx
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She has PM'd me recently.
She is fine and I will only repeat what she has told me on other occasions.
We all have what we need to do within each of us.
She is helping to guide us with what we already know that we must do.
It seems to me that we are all mostly doing very well with our journeys.
I think it is Letting GO who has said that we all keep holding hands and it stretches from the reconciled all the way back to the newbies.
And we can not forget that - MLC takes Time.
Whether HB is posting or not I am sure we all have her love and praise.
Everyone keep on with their journeys.
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Thanks guys I was just wanting to make sure she was ok with her health.
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Hope you get a well deserved rest you deserve it, you have helped everyone on here HB, now its time you looked after yourself i wish you the best of health and because of people/angels like yourself, Stayed and RCR you gave us the belief that we are and will be strong enough to fight for what we believe in..... and because of that each one of us have gone further that we ever thought possible thankyou for believing in us, when others expected us to give up xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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Just wondered if anyone has heard how HB is feeling? I miss her and her contributions to the forum but I understand she needs to get well.
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The Lord instructed me yesterday to come back a look for a thread that had my name in it; and here it was; I ran across this thread; and I came back today to post one last time....just so you know, I'm fine; but have been instructed to leave the board.
The meds I'm taking block my physical symptoms; but they do not block my spiritual gifts; and I cannot handle the pain and stress here; it renders me useless and unable to think straight..not to mention a burning pain in my chest; and a great deal of stress I don't need right now.
There are so many things written from the past in the archives; and there's not much more I can tell any of you; except to repeat things that I've said before.
I did go on Facebook and do a few little things; such as accept friend requests; but I don't stay long there, either.
I had written at one point that I was thinking of taking a break; and my physical condition has taken that decision from me....after being rendered useless twice in a week; I left. I won't be returning once I send this post.
It's hard to explain but the collective pain and stress of the people here gathered together; is hitting me like a ton of bricks that I cannot push off of me; I had tried detaching; but that didn't work, either.
The only solution is to get away from it all; and even now, as I type; my chest is burning like fire; and before I'm rendered useless again; I have something else to tell you.
Don't worry; God has me in His hands; like He always has had; and those of you who contain the gift of intuition have Him there with you; and He is all you need; you don't need me at all...you just THINK you do.
Look to HIM for all that you need; I was only someone He used to help/translate/break down this crisis into something that was more bearable; the understanding came from Him; along with the personal experience I had had in the past.
My belief in all of you still stands; there IS an end to this crisis/trial; and no matter what happens; you will ALL be just fine; and I know this within my own heart; I always knew.
Take care, all of you; and remember; the answers you seek are found with yourselves; you just have to learn to access those. :)
I do still pray for all who are on the board; and I know I've been in your prayers; and I appreciate those; but it's time for me to bow out gracefully; and let others lead in my place; but not to walk in my shoes; I would never expect that of anyone.
Remember the place you came from; and help the others that come behind; it is the only way to help guide people through the place you've walked before.
May God blessings be upon all of you in this time of greatest need. :)
Much love to you all,
HB
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Awwwwwwwwww Hb i cried my eyes out reading that thankyou so much for your help, advice and 2x4's, i really hope you find peace in your heart and chest again..........GODBLESS you and your family xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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HB,
If you come back just to read anything, I want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart. I knew a long time ago this had to have been hitting you hard. It always hits hardest for those who are using their spiritual gifts. You are no exception.
God has blessed you immensely and will continue to do so. You have sowed seeds that are reaping understanding and love and will continue to reap peace by leaps and bounds.
Yes, we will miss you, but your health and well being are way more important to us than that! And to be honest, there were times I just wanted to know your opinion or see if God was telling you the same thing He was telling me. And when I would receive something from you it was more of a "yeah, that's what I thought, too" kind of thing.
Perhaps you will be able to check back sometime in the future to see those marriages that have been reconciled. You have a part in all of those.
I believe God has great things in store for you and your husband. I strongly believe He wants you to have rest and concentrate on you two as a couple. I believe He wants to bring your relationship closer together. It's time for the teacher to rest and hear from the Lord for herself.
Much love to you! :)
"The mind of the wise instructs his mouth, and adds learning and persuasiveness to his lips. Pleasant words are as a honeycomb, sweet to the mind and healing to the body.
Proverbs 16: 23-24
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HB,
I guess this is like a Rite of Passage.
MLC is done and over for you. It has been for some time.
I greatly appreciate all that you have written (for me and others).
I certainly understand that it is time for you to let go and move on.
It's funny. I never thought of myself as receiving "signs" or anything like that - yet - I thought that you would be or have already be leaving the board. I had a sense of that just the other day.
We will miss you. I hope that you stop in from time to time to check up on us and, hopefully, see all our progress. If you aren't able to do so, I certainly will understand.
Take care of yourself and your family.
You have given so much hope to so many people. I am so thankful for that.
Hugs,
L
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I'm so glad for HB that she recognizes we will be ok without her guidance now... because ACTUALLY, we pass along her guidance to the newbies, just as she has taught us...
I agree with her that there are so many forum members who have learned the lessons well, that she can bow out knowing all is well in her stead. Another great Lady, Mary Kay Ash, the founder of Mary Kay Cosmetics said that if she taught her sales force well, and was willing to share what she knew, that she wouldn't have to worry about the company or what would happen after she passed on.... that she knew the principles would be practiced and THAT was the heart of the company. In that way, the heart of this forum is RCR, HB, Old Pilot and Stayed, who brought her experience a little later.
I'm feeling an aversion to the forum lately from what HB described as the overwhelming sorrow and the collective pain of the people that come here.... it's a lot to handle...so I understand her decision to break free from it. I believe that each of us will come to that conclusion in our own time... knowing we payed it forward.
Good luck, HB!!
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Agreed LG although sad to see her go, and grateful for the wise words given to myself and many others there must come a time when you are done with this and the need to leave it behind is overwhelming..... lets hope we all get to that day sooner rather than later.
Goodbye HB and may your life be a happy one :)
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LG,
Just a quick note to you....
While I completely agree with EVERYTHING that you posted regarding HB.....
my post to YOU is please work on your aversion to this forum.
(i.e. you need to try to get over it).
Your story is not done. You have really good insights (and 2 x 4's) for the LBS' here (ME :o :o :o :o :o) who are going through this right now.
Now is not YOUR time. (In case you were wondering).
For me, as I continue to learn my lessons and grow (and become patient and stop obsessing) and all those other things.......I plan to "Pay it Forward."
I remember how I felt when my H first left. I never want to feel that way ever again.
And, if I can help someone else deal with that type of pain, I plan to.
Thanks, again, HB.
You taught everyone really well. It's time to pass the baton.
L
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Well this does sadden me with this news.
I have never said this on the public boards before but HB has been my mentor for about 18 months now.
I was honored enough to meet her one day about a year ago.
She is a very wise lady and I do agree with her that she has repeated much of what she has said to us many times.
We can re-read her over 2000 posts and glean that knowledge as it will be here as long as RCR keeps the board open.
I too have not been posting all that much recently as I have been continuing to have my own MLC problems.
I do still try to read most threads but it can be VERY overwhelming.
However I am available always by PM or on the alt.
We must continue to have faith that the MLC process will have their natural conclusions.
HB I know you said you are never returning but I still want to wish you the best and THANK YOU for being my friend and mentor!
Take care of yourself and know that we all do really LOVE you!
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Thank you HB for your kindness and wisdom and love...and especially in sharing your faith with us. Thank you for your prayers.
May you regain your health and continue to explore and live life with enthusiasm and enjoyment...take care. xo
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Laursecan, I'd LIKE to take a break from the forum, but unfortunately, I'm addicted! Sometimes I dread sitting down at my computer because I feel so down right now and don't have cheery words to share, LOL!! I know I have a lot more of my own story to journal, and I hope I get to share a happy ending, but in the meantime, I'm mostly reading other people's threads!
As you know, I'm encouraging physical meetups because I think they do us SO much good.... they really give us GAL and we can be ourselves and NOT have to "fake it 'til we make it" etc. How I wish I could visit SoCal again soon so we could sit on "someones" deck and drink a margarita or a beer together and watch the waves roll in.... that sounds so fantastic...
Thanks to HB for telling us we weren't crazy when we started feeling our intuition or getting "signs" from our angels/universe, LOL!! I believe with the positive attitudes of our "founders" this will be the BEST forum for LBS EVER.... we are truly a nice bunch of people! ;)
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((((HB))))
You have been such an instrumental person in my life as an LBS. Your wisdom, guidance, and candor will be missed more than you know.
Thank you for getting me through some of the darkest moments of my life. I wish you nothing but the best in all your journeys.
Much love!
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LG-
I feel the same way about the sorrow of the new newbies -not that I'm a vetran in this by any stretch of the imagination.
When I read thier initial posts it takes me right back to when I first posted and the absolute anguish I felt. Little did I know that that anguish was nothing compared to what followed a short time later. The pain got to the point of no description.
I remember one of the first people to post was OP.
I didn't know he was a HE at the time. ANd I was SOOOOOOO mad at him. He wasn't saying anything I wanted to hear. Just the GAL thing and "the gift of time" which I DID NOT WANT OR CHOOSE!!!
I wanted to post back- "I don't know who you are but did you HEAR ME? My life is falling apart and all you can say is it's a gift?? How the hel* is this unbeleviable nightmare is some kind of gift??"
I thought: Whoever this is doesn't have a CLUE as to what I'm talking about.
I'm crying as I type this because I know now months later after my first post how wrong I was about so many things- including that.
I don't know what I would have done or would do without ALL of you and this site.
"Thank you" doesn't seem to be enough for HB or all of you
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Inthis,
This is really something.
I thought the exact same thing when OP (didn't know he was a HE) wrote me - about the "gift" of time.
What the hell type of gift was that? One that I couldn't return. ;)
I guess WE need to be here for the newbies. WE need to offer our experience (what it is at this point), strength and hope. It is now our turn to do this.
We were thrown a life preserver (one that we may have thought was an anchor), but it was a LIFE PRESERVER after all.
We need to save each other and, in turn, we save ourselves.
L
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HB
I'm coming up to a year now since I posted on this board for the first time. Your first posts to me set the tone for the whole of the rest of my time on here.
Everytime I saw you had posted on my thread it lifted me. You are a unique and special person. Wherever you go and whatever the future holds for you, you can rest in the knowledge that you made a difference to the people here.
It is hard at times for those of us who have been at this for a while to sometimes find the right words to say to newer LBS. It is hard when things are difficult in your own sitch to feel you are able to lift up someone else.
I guess i just try to remember how grateful i felt when i found this place and how important it became in helping me to rescue myself.
We all have a unique voice and take on this, we are all pioneers in a way. And it's great when the newer ones find their own voice and add a little more to the tapestry.
I don't know when my story will end on here, it very nearly did not long ago. We none of us will be here forever, and when we do put ourselves out to pasture, I think we'll look back at this place and time as being pivotal to how we have grown and changed.
I hope along the way I've made some special and dear friends here and IRL
I remember OP's gift of time speech too, i felt so frustrated, thinking who the heck is this bloke and what's he going on about :o :o
Mind you I still do think that at times(lol)
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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Well I sure am glad I wasn't the only one who felt like that about OP!
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LG and all,
I read your recent post...I like to also add....knowing we p(r)ayed it forward.
HB, Thank You for your wise and comforting words, thoughts and blessings.
Love to all,
Standing in Patience.
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HB
I just want to tell you I appreciate and am grateful for all your time, your gift, the energy spent, support and dedication to helping us all.
I wish you well.
Love and Light- Sideways
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HB, words will never be enough to say how thankful we all are.
I understand this forum can take a lot out of you, there is so much invested emotionally.
God bless.
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Laursecan has it correct:
I guess this is like a Rite of Passage.
MLC is done and over for you. It has been for some time.
I greatly appreciate all that you have written (for me and others).
I certainly understand that it is time for you to let go and move on.
It's funny. I never thought of myself as receiving "signs" or anything like that - yet - I thought that you would be or have already be leaving the board. I had a sense of that just the other day.
And this is going to happen to all of you, also, when it is your time; LG; get over your sense of aversion to the board; you are still within this crisis; and it is important that you dispense the knowledge you've gained from your own situation and help others with that knowledge.
Through the helping of others; all of you will heal in time; as time heals all wounds; and God(or the Higher Power, as some of you see Him), takes care of the rest...believe me, I know, I've been there. :)
I have been out of this trial for a period of time; I've survived TWO bouts of his crisis in the past 11 years; survived a transition of my own; learned so much from these events; and passed on everything I know to all of you.
I started getting some nagging feelings not long after my husband passed completely out of his second bout; but begged to continue for awhile longer...and actually put the leaving I KNEW I was supposed to do, on a back burner; which was wrong of me to do.
When the Lord doesn't get through one way; He will go another route; and the next step was allowing the symptoms of my Hyperthyroidism to really affect me; I got meds to block the physical symptoms; but, like I said, my gifts don't stop working just because I go down, so to speak; they continue to work; and I continued to use them; just like I always had.
He allowed me to hit the bottom of the well to the point that I could not function; not once but twice in a week's time; my last looking, so to speak, was the 15th of this month; and I was unable to do or say anything....I got immediate instructions both times to close the board; and get away from it.
I stayed gone until yesterday; when He directed me to come back and search for this thread that had my name on it....because there were questions; and people were worrying about me; He allowed me to answer once again....and it was the same a little while ago; He said it wasn't good to leave people hanging; although; I've done that for the past two weeks; disappeared with no explanation; He changed His mind, temporarily.
So, I came back to read this thread; and knew I could not get away with not answering certain posts and comments....yet, as I continue to type, the heaviness in my chest becomes worse; and I'm struggling with each word; typing as fast as I can, before becoming useless happens again.
You think I'm kidding or making excuses; I assure you, I am NOT doing either; when the Lord gives instruction; He means for it to be obeyed; not overridden; and though He's allowing me to type as fast as I can; the feelings of heavy stress within are increasing; as each word comes out.
He's not going to let up on me; although, He has said this is OK to do.
You see, when I left the other board so long ago; my memories were taken; and I obeyed Him instantly; I had no other choice; I could do nothing more.
This time; my memories are intact; but I must do the SAME thing as before; there is a good reason for what's happening to me; there always is.
I stayed for as long as I did for two reasons; one was because I was learning some more things from his two bouts of crisis; and the counsel I gave; gave me answers, too; if that makes sense. The other reason; was that I had committed myself to being here for as long as the Lord charged me to be.
Hanging in there with all of you has allowed me to watch the growth I saw happening within each and every one of you; and I guess I "mothered" quite a few of you at times; I never meant to be seen as a figure of authority; nor as someone any of you had to answer to.....the only accountability you have was and is to yourselves and God, if you were/are believers.
I never said I was always right; and there were many things that happened that I never foresaw ahead of time; and these upset me deeply when these unforeseen events happened.
I never said I was anyone special; that's for certain; the Lord, who is greater than I will ever be, brought me through all that I faced and finished.
I always tried to be loving, kind and patient; even as I swung some heavy two by fours at times...God knows that I had been hit with quite a few of them, when it was me. :)
On the other hand; for those who want to know; our relationship gets better as time goes on. My husband is still within a flux of change; and this is to be expected; considering he's not been out of his last and final bout of crisis but about 2 months or so...and change is still the order of the day for him, and me.
We will grow and change for the rest of our lives; that is a fact; there will be no more MLC bouts for either one of us; but change will always occur at key times in our lives.
Both of us have faced our demons and finished this trial; I've been out of my transition, just a little over two years or so; having faced everything within myself in one fell swoop; that is why it took me 6 years...I was just as damaged as the typical MLC'er who has a great many issues; but I chose to face and come through; no matter how long it took...whereas my husband tried to set aside an issue; and it resulted in the additional bout of crisis that lasted an additional 6 years.
What I'm telling you in summary is that change and growth NEVER stops; even after the MLC/MLT is past; you will always face change in yourselves; your spouses...and this will never cease.
The crisis/transition triggers growth that is ceaseless; nothing will ever settle into a routine, emotionally; you just have to embrace what comes next, as it comes next; and prepare for the long haul.
In other words, there is no real ending; only change and growth that continues, throughout.
If you're still together; that's a bonus; if you're not; you've NOT failed; you never fail if you take the time to take the journey to wholeness and healing.
You come to this board thinking to save your marriage; but in the end, you do end up saving yourselves; because it is YOU that you can control; not the outcome, not the MLC spouse; and certainly not anything else; it will be what it will be; and the crisis is what it is...and you simply learn to deal with the hand you've been dealt, outwit, outlast; in some ways, outrun; as you leave your MLC spouse behind to do whatever they think they gotta do.
The question is; are you going to wallow in the misery; or are you going to make up your mind to march forward; and learn to deal with yourself?
Are you going to embrace the process; or allow yourself to become bitter over what you perceive you are going through?
Nothing can destroy you unless you ALLOW it to; so choose life instead of choosing to be sucked into destruction....life is all about choices; and if you listen to your gut, intuition; however you term it; you'll always know what to do...you don't need someone to tell you what or how to do....you'll KNOW.
But post your journey; unless otherwise instructed; it is helpful to others that come after you; you think it's not useful; but yet, it is; more than you know.
Marriage is NOT a means to an end; and you may say that's easy for me to say; as I came through with my marriage; but let me tell you; it was a LONG, HARD, road for me to walk; I fell out of love; hated him for a long time; listened to my inner voice and the Lord's guidance.
It was a BATTLE to get where I wanted to be; but there were times; I wanted to just give up; and stop all of it; it was hard on me; more than you will ever know, as I never told the entire story of the second round; only highlighted the majority of it.
It's HARD, I won't kid you; but if you will let go of the MLC spouse and focus on you; that long hard road; becomes a bit easier....in the end; IF you take your journey to completion; you are a success, regardless if the relationship comes through or not.
Get the tools down pat within each of you; then, dealing with that wayward MLC spouse will get better; as you will understand even more that it doesn't matter if they return or not; it is up to THEM; it always was....what you need to decide is what you will do with your future; NOT so much your past....
You must look at your own individual past in order to grow; but once that's complete; and you've pinpointed the areas of growth that you need to achieve; let the rest go; it won't help you....the past cannot be changed; it is set in STONE; whereas the future is liquid and can be changed.
I've faced these things and many more; in pieces; and some in lumps as time went on; but I finished the journey; and you will, too.
Time during the crisis, is most certainly a gift, I can attest from experience; just as OP always said; you may not see that gift for the awfully ugly wrapping that covers it; but if you will take a chance and tear into the package; you will see the beauty of time that is hidden within. Been there, too.
Time is something you have; make the most of it; it marches on, just like it always has; even if you perceive it to be slow as molasses; but don't stand still; move forward; and focus on YOU. :)
Take care of yourselves; and most of all, look to the Lord/Divine Assistance/Creator/Energy of the Universe to help you....this is help that is priceless; and remember all things happen for a reason. :)
And, for what it's worth; you're all very welcome. :)
Love to you all,
HB
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Thanks for your words, and your spirit HB. Best wishes for good health and family happiness in your future.
BNW
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I don't know what I could possibly add to what had already been said, except to also give you my heartfelt gratitude. :)
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I read this yesterday and also "knew" that this was going to happen -- HB, you are so right in that this is in the past for you. We are all grateful for the time you have spent here. You can't be a crutch for us, we have to do this ourselves; your lessons are ones we read again and again.
From me personally thank you for all the times you have responded, and for your insights. I have learned so much.
My brother had a good insight about parenting, which in paraphrased form is appropriate here: he said that as parents our payback for how we treat our children isn't direct, i.e. it's not necessarily that they give back to us directly, it's in how they treat their OWN children. That's how our lessons have effect.
So what we need to do is to pay it forward -- use what you have taught us to help others.
And dig deep for calmness, patience and clarity, and the courage to trust our intuition.
Much love to you.
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Well I sure am glad I wasn't the only one who felt like that about OP!
Well INIT, Voy., and Laurse sorry for throwing you an anchor.
But you were right that we all must sink or swim on our own.
We all WILL be OK, as HB has said it is within each of us and we just need to bring it out to be the best each of us can be.
HB - :) :) :) ! ! !
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Well for me, my own little self personally, I feel the loss. Yes, I know I used HB as a crutch and "a mother figure". I shouldn't have but I did.
She has always been such a calming voice of reason when needed and a bulldozer at other times when needed. She has helped me so, so much. She is right, she has told us all she can and it is time for me to grow up, learn to embrace change, and make it on my own.
Thank you to everyone on this board that pays it forward. But, a special thank you to HB for holding my hand thru alot of this. You are special. I will keep praying for your health and your family. Love, TD.
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Thankyou HB,
I also knew this was coming.
Bless you for everything you have toaught me along the way, and the time you have spent looking out for everyone here.
Keep well and God Bless you and your family.
HUGS
Watching and waiting (Mandy21)
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HB much love to you and all you've done to help make the world a better place.
Your spirit shines through.
Take Care of yourself and God Bless
Buggy
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Well for me, my own little self personally, I feel the loss. Yes, I know I used HB as a crutch and "a mother figure". I shouldn't have but I did.
Tiny; if it will make you feel better; I've walked in your shoes in this aspect before, myself...but it took the lady who helped me kicking me away, so to speak, to help me develop on my own...I didn't start out this strong; in fact, I was quite weak in the beginning of his crisis; probably hard to believe, but I promise you, it was the truth.
None of you have faced anything that I haven't faced before and overcome; if I can overcome and come out healed and whole; I know that you can, too; and you CAN attain the strength I gained; the healing I gained; and the knowledge and wisdom that I also gained...it is yours for the taking. :)
There came a time when I had to rely on myself; and learn to trust what He was telling me; and this went on for a LONG time...there was NO ONE for me to lean on except for the Lord.
If I hadn't been forced to take those steps on my own; I could not have become a leader to others at a later time.
You see, there won't always be someone there to be there for you; you must learn to be there for yourself; and there will come a time when it will be no one but you and God that will face the coming trials.
It feels good to lean on someone else for awhile; but in time; we learn to lean on ourselves, knowing we have what we need to make it through.
There have been so many times I've been alone; but not really alone; as He was always there with me...but in a human way; I've been alone a very long time; in a long distance relationship; but this is something I had learned to handle a very long time ago; as my husband has been a trucker for over 22 years now to my 9 years.
The first year was rough, because he had always been there to help me; and when he went out on the road; I had to learn to handle certain things on my own without his help; and I did...maybe too well; but this is where the beginnings of my own strength came to be.
That may have been why I didn't have to face during his crisis what some of you face; and this is learning to stand on your own, and be OK with being by yourself; I had already done that before; and so it was somewhat different for me within his crisis...most of what we learn; I had already learned.
Anyway; the biggest lesson I had to learn out of his crisis was to look to the Lord for everything I needed; knowing and learning that He would meet my deepest needs; and He did.
I learned He was not fiery being I had been taught in my childhood; He is a very present help in time of greatest need; and if He hadn't been there for me at every turn; I would not have been here or anywhere.
I have seen many awful things in my life; not including childhood; but I came through on the strength that GOD gave me to work with.
I have been walked on, spoken to as if I didn't exist, treated disrespectfully, disregarded, screamed and spewed at; and I fought a hard fight to get past all of that; but I was successful in realizing that just because it was said; didn't mean it was true. During that time, I had to develop MYSELF; increase my own self confidence; become strong; pray for wisdom so I could understand more of the aspects I was seeing; and most of all, develop my relationship with the One who gave me an "inside track" to knowledge; and this was because I ASKED Him to.
As you move forward within your trial; you will LEARN to recognize actions of the various stages of MLC; there are aspects you may not face/see; but as your insight grows, you will see what I saw in various situations...and be able to see where one is within the trial.
The knowledge is beneficial; because the torch is passed from one to the next...I have NO clue exactly why my memories continue to be intact; but I have an idea that I will be assigned someone some years down the line that will have need of my knowledge...how long before this happens, I have no idea; but it will come; I've already seen it.
God works in mysterious ways; His wonders to behold; and I consider myself fortunate and blessed that I have been able to help for the time I've been here.
Read and digest. :)
Love,
HB
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Thank you so much HB for being here for us!! Your wise words were so encouraging, we will hear the soft echo for a long time.
It's hard to explain but the collective pain and stress of the people here gathered together; is hitting me like a ton of bricks
you made a difference by not being indifferent!!
May God bless us with discomfort at easy answers, half-truths, and superficial relationships,
so that we may live deep within our hearts.
May God bless us with anger at injustice, oppression, and exploitation of people,
so that we may work for justice, freedom and peace.
May God bless us with tears to shed for those who suffer from pain, rejection, starvation and war,
so that we may reach out our hands to comfort them and turn their pain into joy.
And may God bless us with enough foolishness to believe that we can make a difference in this world,
so that we can do what others claim cannot be done.
Franciscan Benediction
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I am a newbie and I have to say that everything I've read thus far has been quite helpful to me. It makes me look back at when the onset actually took place. I lost a very close "crutch" back in January and thought I would never make it this far. But she had to leave this world because she had given all she had for me... her job was done. I only wish she could POP in every now and then to reassure me that im on the right track. All the info on the main page is so helpful to at least put names to the many faces. HB I thank you and everyone else.
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(((HB)))
Everyone has said everything I am feeling and thinking but I just want to say a personal thankyou HB.... because of you I now BELIEVE!!!
May your life continue to be blessed!!! Enjoy and be well!
CW
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HB,
I would really like to give you my own personal THANK YOU also, for all that you've done here. You are indeed very special, and all that you have written has helped me, and others immeasurably.
Your insights and your descriptions of the stages for the MLCer, and the LBS are incredible. Since I have also been at this in one stage or another for the past 11 years, I am in a position to say that you are spot on with everything that you say.....course you know that but doesn't hurt to hear it does it? It helps so much to put it all into perspective.
I just want to say, thank you, thank you, thank you. You have such a gift and you ARE such a gift to all.
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The final piece of advice that I can give is to develop the gifts each of you will receive ongoing, as a result of this trial; the still small voice that is also called your Intuition, also known as the voice of God is there for a purpose and a reason.
It is one of the most important gifts you will ever receive..and it will stand you well long after this trial is finished.
Learn to recognize that voice; and use that tool to your advantage. :)
May God be with ALL of you as your progress along your individual journeys; and know the crisis, just as any other trial you've gone through in your lives has purpose, meaning; may you all have lives filled with learning, change, growth that will eventually lead to wholeness, healing, happiness and a life filled with joy and peace.
Listen to the people here that are ahead of you; they've been where you are; and you'll find as you go forward and see clearly what they tell you you'll see and learn at a later time, is the absolute truth.
Be patient with yourselves; Rome wasn't built in a day; neither will the crisis resolve overnight; time is the one thing you'll have; use it wisely. :)
Above all, take care of yourselves and your families.
...and on that note, I'll take my leave. :)
Much love to all of you,
HB
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HB, I hope you see this...
Thank you for being there, for speaking your mind even when we don't like it, for showing us the way to pave the way.
Wishing you health, happiness and peace.
(http://i698.photobucket.com/albums/vv350/bonbon_album/emoticon/8eb8e711.gif)
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HB, I too hope you see this. Thank you! I am soooo happy to have caught the tale end of your amazing insight which I am 100% sure comes from God. My first post here was a PM message to you and true to form as everyone says here, you responded with wisdom, kindness and most importantly, honesty. I've battled this MLC for almost 3 years and gathered a lot of puzzle pieces but your insight has brought my puzzle together. Your "creation" of the 6 stages is nothing short of amazing and in some way works for all. Thank you again Hearstblessing, as I too wish you Health and Happiness!
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Oh HB,
me too, I hope you are able to see this, I want o thank you for all your advice to me, I treasure the advice and the 'talking to' that I deserved. May God continue to bless you and know that your words to me were taken to heart and helped me see certain aspects of myself that I wasn't seeing/accepting on my own.
I have a lot of your advice on file (jornaling files) and I often go back and read more nuggets of wisdom that had escaped me before.
Hugs HB!
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HB has taught me how to trust my inner voice. It's been all along there, but I was scared to let go of her hand and trust what I'm hearing until recently. It's amazing what has come through for me this past month.
HB is a wonderful, giving, and gifted woman, loved by all. She has helped me through my darkest moments and she'll always have a special place in my heart...
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There were many people who crossed my path that I never forgot; simply because they had such an impact on my life.
I do realize that I'd said and do say things very often that people didn't want to hear; but you know what? There were things I didn't want to hear, either; but they were said anyway; and when I thought them through later on, I realized that what was said was RIGHT for me....at the time the truth dart was shot, however, I was too angry to see it. :)
I was watching the Royal Wedding a little while ago; and I hope that William and Kate will be very happy.
There's no chance they will "miss" going through MLC/MLT; but I can hope that when they face this time; they will make good, sound choices; making changes that don't impact and hurt each other.
Once again, take care of yourselves, learn to trust yourselves, and most of all; speak the truth to each other in love, supporting and helping one another.
Gone again. :)
Love to you all,
HB
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HB, I am relieved to see you post! I was wondering if you were blown all the way to Oz!
I have told you before, in all seriousness, that you are an earth angel. I was reading something by Doreen Virtue about a description of earth angels and it fits you to a tee. You have the eyes, ears, voice, and heart of an angel. Thank you for carrying us on your wings. Love to you! (and Bandit too!)
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HB, I am relieved to see you post! I was wondering if you were blown all the way to Oz!
No, actually, the tornado went around us. :)
I have told you before, in all seriousness, that you are an earth angel. I was reading something by Doreen Virtue about a description of earth angels and it fits you to a tee. You have the eyes, ears, voice, and heart of an angel. Thank you for carrying us on your wings. Love to you! (and Bandit too!)
I remember that conversation, LGO....all I know is that God works in mysterious ways, His wonders to behold. :)
I'm OK; hadn't gotten blown to Oz; and Bandit is fine. :)
Gone again. :)
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Just to follow up on what we are all saying and feeling. HB helped me to trust myself again and to be brave. I really was so very lost when the BD came, and struggling alot. I realize that I have a lot more strength than I believed I have, and I am going in a good direction.
HB will always be in a special place in my heart. She has been a light in a very dark time. Now, it is time for us to say thank you, God's speed and we wish you peace and good health, HB. We will miss your words of wisdom, but you are right, we know what we need to do, and we can look to each other for support.
With love,
Subooru
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HB--I hope you stop by one more time to read these posts. I noticed this earlier this week, but as you know, and told me it's okay, I don't often have time to post these days as my focus is on my H and reconciliation.
I want to thank you for all you have given to all of us here. Even when the posts were on the threads of others I learned from them. They always mysteriously seemed to appear and say just what I needed to hear.
I also wanted to tell you that you were 100% correct in something you told me months ago in my thread about OW. You said she was pestering him. I recently confirmed that was the case at that time. Your advice to me was correct about it. I may not be where I am today without that advice from you at that time. I knew it in my heart, but I needed to have it confirmed by another. That other was you. Thank you. (I'm adding this after the original post. I just went back to my old thread and read the post I referred to again, and the advice you gave me at the time. It was so just amazing how correct and accurate you were in what you saw and told me to do. I did it the best I could at the time, and he came back. It's enough to bring tears to my eyes. I can't thank you enough for that HB.)
I also want to thank you for showing me and reminding me through your posts what it means to know that God is in charge and to "let go." It was a very special gift.
I'll always remember your advice and think of you. You deserve the very best for all you have given to each of us.
xoxoxo
Patience
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Y'all are going to think I'm nuts; but so many of the posts I'd written over time I don't remember having written them....I've heard people before ask me if I remembered saying certain things because they were either true or it came to pass that certain things were confirmed; and, honestly, I don't remember them once I've either written or said them.
I'm not supposed to; if I retained every memory of everything I said/wrote; there wouldn't be any room for the Lord to deal with me directly.
The message, such as it is; is not for me; but for the person it was said to/written to; and I went on my merry way; my memory having been wiped clean; until someone says something later on. :)
Patience, I had to find that post you were talking about; I wasn't sure where it was located; or which one of your threads it was on; but I finally did find it; and I saw clearly where the Lord was speaking through me at that time, as He has so many times.
He has been there with you/for you all this time; and He only used me to help you when you were confused; and unsure. :)
He is also the reason these various posts 'appeared' just when they were supposed to show up; when the need was the greatest. Just so you know, I had nothing to do with that, personally; it was all Him.
HB--I hope you stop by one more time to read these posts. I noticed this earlier this week, but as you know, and told me it's okay, I don't often have time to post these days as my focus is on my H and reconciliation.
As well as it should be; the tools were given early in your time of starting reconciliation; and if there's any question; go back and re-read the threads from where you need a certain answer.
Don't worry about this board; your marriage is on track; and has been for a period of time; the time now is to focus on yourself, your husband, and the rebuilding of your marriage.
You may come back later on and post a complete success story in this area; but for now; get on with what you're facing now, and concentrate on the finishing aspect; it's going to take some time to get there, but you will.
You, your husband and your marriage are the most important aspects, now; and I had already been looking for you to begin detachment from the board once areas in your lives had gotten on track to rebuilding/reconciliation.
Remember that God IS with you; and He won't leave you hanging; He will help you become even stronger; more confident and more able to assist with the rebuilding phase of your marriage...given time, it will be successful; and this time in your lives will become a distant memory.
All is possible as long as you have faith and believe in the One who created marriage in the first place; and His Glory is reflected in such a way that the marriage becomes stronger and more bonded as a union between yourself and your husband. :)
HB will always be in a special place in my heart. She has been a light in a very dark time. Now, it is time for us to say thank you, God's speed and we wish you peace and good health, HB. We will miss your words of wisdom, but you are right, we know what we need to do, and we can look to each other for support.
That "light" you speak of was not me; but the One who lives in me; throughout time, I have given credit where credit was due; for without Him; I could never have accomplished even a fraction of what He sent me to do for a time.
Hold on to His hands, Subooru; He will be the one who takes you through this; no human person can do what He can and will do, as long as you hold on to Him. :)
If it had not been for the Lord continuing to be with me, encouraging me, strengthening me, and helping me; I could not have come as far I as I did within my own trial and life.
There is something to be said for supernatural power that is completely believed in, and utilized so that you receive help just when you need it. :)
All righty then, gone again. :)
Love,
HB
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HB, I do declare, I think your a clinging boomerang!
I hope you can come back to visit us, but more than that I hope your finding the happiness you
deserve. I hope I don't offend but I think your talent and skills are wasted behind the wheel of
a semi. You understand more than almost all the counselors on the planet.
Surely your worth a couple hundred buck an hour!
God Bless you and yours.
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HB, I do declare, I think your a clinging boomerang!
I hope you can come back to visit us, but more than that I hope your finding the happiness you
deserve. I hope I don't offend but I think your talent and skills are wasted behind the wheel of
a semi. You understand more than almost all the counselors on the planet.
Surely your worth a couple hundred buck an hour!
Rebel Yell,
You can blame the LORD for bouncing me back and forth; He keeps sending me in to tie up these loose ends; in PMs; and on this thread. :) It's literally painful every time I get sent back in; but as long as people keep posting whatever they want to post to this particular thread, OR it reaches 10 pages; He will keep sending me back when someone adds a post. :)
I went through something similar before years ago; and even then, it looked like I was a clinging boomerang; as you so aptly put it; but it did come to an end, eventually; and it didn't take long. :)
Either way, once this thread reaches 10 pages; I'm done, regardless..and the thread should be locked up. :)
You're not offending me at all with what you're saying; yet, freely my gifts were given; and freely I give; I've been given money for my time before; but I don't ask for it; I'm not supposed to...that's the reason I never became a counselor in real life; there are limits to what I can do in the way of counseling; and if I started charging for my time on my own; Poof, there would go every gift I had; as they would be taken.
There are greater things in this life for me; and they don't include money; I make enough driving a semi to pay my bills; and help support my household.
And I happen to enjoy my job; even though I've already seen around 80 percent of the country in the past 9 years.
I know for a fact that He never meant for me to become a counselor in IRL; I know, I asked Him about it some years ago. His response at that time was that He would decide whom He would send to me, and where He would send me; but that my needs would be met in other ways; and so, I drive a truck for a living. :)
I've never questioned Him again about it.
I know that sounds controlling on His part; but hey, He makes the rules; I just follow them; but on the other hand think of it this way, too: If I took on clients, it would limit the freedom of counseling others on the side; and I don't like that idea; I take time with the people the Lord sends to me; and between both sides of equation; if you thought I got tired before; I would really be tired, then. :)
And had I become/been a professional counselor; I would not have been sent here; I would have been elsewhere.
He has worked with me in this way before; He would send me one or several to work with for a time; then when it was time, He would move me over into other areas to do something different; but this is all in His hands; not mine; and I have no idea what comes next, or really, when.
Maybe I'll get a good break; I haven't had one in literally, YEARS; before; I would get a two year break; then something else would happen; but I'd been at this for a little over 11 years; with NO break.
Who knows? :)
Gone again! :)
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HB! It's so good to see you here again! I too am sorry to hear that it is your time to go from here. I understand that there is a season......but I will surely miss your inspirations. Thank you ever more for sharing your gift.
Blessings sent your way... :)
Beautiful Star
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HB
I don't know how to say this,
but I thank you very much
for always being there for me
you're honest, friendly touch
You helped me to get better
and stop what I may regret
you helped me through my hard times
that, I can never forget.
HB - thank you
You understood my problems
in a kind and caring way
and without your help
I may not be smiling today
HB - thank you
I trusted you with my feelings
they were difficult for me to understand
I needed your advice, and now in my heart I know
It is my own intuition that needs to grow
HB - thank you
wishing you a happy and peaceful future Miss you !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! B xxx
PS anyway we can let you know the final chapters of our stories ??
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(((House Blessing)))
I understand your empathetic nature; it helps me to understand your need to detach from this site. There have been days I have had to do the same, and I know you understand what I am saying. The sadness and hurt in everyone lives here reaches us to our core; so much we can literally feel their pain.
You have been such a wonderful source of comfort to me the past five months; your words resonate in my daily thoughts; you are remembered in my daily prayers by name, as you have been my guide too.
There will never be a time that I don't look up into a cab of a truck looking for you. I know the male drivers would get a thrill out of that thinking it as a ego boost; not knowing I will be looking for you and not at them.
I pray you will be led back here at times to slap all of us here upside the head with one of your 2X4's. As you know, these lessons are a major challenge for most of us here.
You are greatly loved and appreciated on this board; thank you from everyone for your wonderful wisdom and knowledge of the experiences we are living that have brought us to this site.
Stay safe, and thank you for everything you have done for all!
Much love,
Tsunami
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I pray you will be led back here at times to slap all of us here upside the head with one of your 2X4's. As you know, these lessons are a major challenge for most of us here.
Everything you need can be looked up in the way of 2x4's, past advice, etc. :) I wrote a great many "universal" type posts that weren't exactly directed at any one person; but each one that read these always got something out of them. :)
I can't say if I will come back to visit at a later time; I draw a blank on that at the moment...but then, again; it was 8 years after I left the other board that I was directed to return; but that was because of what my husband didn't do in his initial crisis....his choosing NOT to face that final issue of his which put us both on the path we walked for quite awhile.
IF he had done what he was supposed to have done; I would not have been here for this time...yet, God works in mysterious ways; I've known this for a very long time. :)
There is nothing "accidental" and I know for a fact, when my husband exited the first time, back in late 2002; the Lord KNEW it wasn't right; and somewhere within me; I knew; but it wasn't clear; it wasn't supposed to be....I honestly think that if I'd known I'd probably have cut and run; and He knew this of me.....it had taken what I perceived to be so long; when, really, it was a short period of time, as 3 years is actually short in the time of MLC; and I see now, that he should have 'cooked' a lot longer in the MLC oven; but he didn't; he got in a hurry to finish...out of fear; and the thought that he could just put that last issue aside; and not ever have to face it.
Yet, it wasn't to be; and I can look back, and see key times where the Lord worked hard within the situation; using me; using him, and using our son to keep our marriage together in spite of his crisis and my transition.
Oh, but it was worth the end I've seen and still see; as my husband is still changing, growing; and there's nothing left to fight on his part.
So, I'm done, finished; and ready to take on whatever the Lord has set for me to look at going forward; even as the rebuilding of our marriage continues to commence at this time. :)
The door is closed at this point in the way of my possible return to the board; as all things and one's work must come to an end, given time.
Even mine. :)
IF I do make a return; it may be years down the line; and I would suspect that I will find the stories that post an end....but I make no promises, nor guarantees; I can't do that; and I would be lying if I made this type of promise; so, I will leave it within the hands of the Lord; who has strictly instructed me to bow out; it is time.
Take care, all. :)
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HB
IF I do make a return; it may be years down the line; and I would suspect that I will find the stories that post an end...
Crikey HB I hope you don't find me still posting when you do, is there another level after hero member!!!!
Much much love. xxxxxxxxxxxxx
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Crikey HB I hope you don't find me still posting when you do, is there another level after hero member!!!!
If I did find you posting; it would be for a reason; and you would know why; there are some people whose work extends out and beyond for a time; and I believe it is because they must learn a number of things, including compassion for others; AND the MLC'er they deal/dealt with that may be still going through the MLC.
The lessons of love, compassion, and so forth are learned in various different ways; what isn't learned is recycled; yet, if God didn't have people in this particular field exclusively doing this work; you'd have people falling by the wayside every day.
I don't claim to know the work of others; I only know what I need to do at any given time; but I have gotten enough from people over time to know; and have an idea why they are where they are at a given time.
No one "sticks" you here; nor do you get stuck in a certain place. If you're willing to follow the instruction of the Lord at all times; you will always know where you are supposed to be.
One of the hardest lessons I ever learned was to develop compassion for my husband; and the Lord came down hard on me more than once; I knew that he was aware of most of the things he was doing/saying; and I had the attitude that he would get it, or not; which was true; but I was called upon to help him at times with COMPASSION, and LOVE; even though I had to be tough at times.
I got stuck at times, too, as I cycled back and forth, myself; and there were confusing aspects that I had to learn/face; but to move forward; I had to be willing to keep an open mind and heart to what He was showing me in my own individual situation.
Stay open to His guidance; understanding you are where you are for a reason; His reasoning is not like ours; He is the only one who knows what is ahead; none of us do.
On the other hand; MLC takes a long time to complete IF it ever completes within a person; it's a true process where many things are learned; tears are cried, and you wonder if you will EVER make it through....but you will; coming out stronger than before; bearing the tools of a lifetime. :)
Love,
HB
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One of the hardest lessons I ever learned was to develop compassion for my husband; and the Lord came down hard on me more than once; I knew that he was aware of most of the things he was doing/saying; and I had the attitude that he would get it, or not; which was true; but I was called upon to help him at times with COMPASSION, and LOVE; even though I had to be tough at times.
I needed to hear this today. My feelings for my H this weekend are far, far, FAR from charitable.
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T
Compassion - also IMO means knowing when you need to give someone honest truths so they can face - when they are stronger - issues and deal with them (or course if they aren't already) or compassion could turn into pity and that would be detrimental to their progress?
B
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B - and that is part of my struggle now. Which truths do I let fly and which truths I sit on. Yesterday I blew up at my H about a truth he did need to hear. We'll see what happens.
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trusting
all i can say is stick to truths that are factual that the MLC er can see when you lay it out that they need to address it as it is not behaviour that benefits anyone?
for example you left me and this is not right (true but wont make him/her sit up and see that its wrong)
BUT
You left me with a home - our investment - that is hard for me to take care of with out support either by you or you paying for someone to do what you should do as part of your responsibilities as a homeowner, etc
just IMO the best way forward but only do this when it feels right?
B xx
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Good point, Bewildered. You know, when I blew up at him yesterday it was about financial stuff that he NEEDS to take care of and he knows it, so I think it will be okay in the long run. But that emotional stuff - they can't handle it right now.
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HB, I can't stop thinking about you; it's sad.
Just this past week I have been informed the Priest is moving to another parish, my counselor is being sent to Afghanistan, and now HB is moving on with her life. I am so proud of you HB, but can't stop thinking of the wonderful impact you have had on my life in the past few months.
I know God has a plan, but sometimes it is just hard to see through the trees.
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I know God has a plan, but sometimes it is just hard to see through the trees.
Oh, Honey, God ALWAYS has a plan, and backups in place for what He knows is ahead. :) For every door He allows to close; another one will open with something better; it always happens that way.
You know, I mentioned earlier in my thread that my guide was taken away from me some years back; and I had to learn to stand on my own; trusting myself; but most of all, trusting the Lord who continued to guide me; even as He took her away. :)
You can't always lean on others; and I've covered this before, too; that was made very clear to me; you must learn to lean on yourself; the Lord; His understanding; and your own understanding.
He grants us the confidence to KNOW we will always know what to do; because He is there to guide us; although, He won't do it FOR us; nor will He allow others to take the lead in our lives...it is up to us to walk this road on our own.
He knows our hearts and our needs better than we do; and He always has something to back us up; He never leaves us without what we need. :)
I head to the doctor tomorrow for my next doctor's appointment; and you know, the strange thing is that I've not been worried for the past few weeks; I know what I'm facing; and I know that He has all things in His hands.
If He cares that much for the sparrow; how much more do you think He cares for us? :)
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While reading another thread, I realized HB has had surgery and wanted to extend a special get well thread for her to let her know how much she is loved and appreciated here on the site.
Hearts Blessing take care of youself, and we all hope to see you back soon!
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I keep praying for you HB and hope your recovery is going well!
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Always sending love and prayers your way HB, here is to a speedy recovery!
always,
L
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Get well soon xxx
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HB thinking of you.......get well soon xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
<
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Get well soon HB!! But then of course, you have the good Lord on your side..:)
many hugs!
Syn
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HUGS and Prayers HB.
Get Well Soon xx
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HB,
May this be a time of rest and renewal for your body and mind.
God bless your healing.
SP
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Get well soon!!
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Hi HB, wishing you peace and comfort as you recover.
Hugs and blessings to you.
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HB, a speedy recovery to you. I had just been reading some of your previous postings and learning more in reflection. Thank you for being there for all of us - all of the time.
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HB, By His stripes you ARE healed. Not will be healed, but ARE healed. God is with you. Sending hugs and prayers your way.
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Speedy recovery.
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HB
Get well soon. Take all the time that you need to make a full recovery. Just know that we are all praying and thinking about you.
G4Y
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Thinking of you and hoping for a quick recovery!
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Dear Heartsblessing...please don't rush your recovery...allow your body to heal for if you give it the rest and attention that it needs, God has created a magnificant body that shall work well again.
Let us know if you need anything..prayers for you always xoxo
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You are in my thoughts and prays, You will come through wonderfully.. You have God and great Faith. May your recovery be fast and without much pain.
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HB,
Best wishes for a speedy recovery. You are in my prayers.
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From all of the various posts I felt one great BIG hug...and I LIKE hugs! :) NOT because there's something "wrong" with me; but because it really feels good to get a 'boomerang', if you will, of all the times I've 'wrapped' people in hugs, comfort, and love...that is what I feel at this time....
My "sensing" capabilities are down at the moment, as my own energy is turned inward, to help speed my physical healing; but the Lord allowed that HUGE hug to come through, as I read; wrapping me around unexpectedly, and through that power wave, I felt the love that should always be in evidence here, no matter if I'm here, not here, being "read" in absence, as I know my prior posts still contain what I wrapped them in as I wrote them; except for the most recent ones since my surgery...there are people here who ALSO contain what I have in the way of this gift; allow them to do for you as I once did.
The Lord has recently sent me back to write in support of those He sends me in to help who are within a later time of the crisis; since the early parts, I have already covered, many times over; and your Mentors already contain what they need for the ones in the early days of this; they have LIVED this; and there are others ahead of you that have done the SAME..you do NOT need me for this particular aspect... :)
I will be attempting in some of the situations that are further along in the crisis, to write advice geared toward the aftermath of Replay, and toward the ending of the crisis only...getting into more of the ending parts, we have more than enough information for the beginning, but, not enough for what to look for toward the second half and into the end; at least from my own experience, and I know I need to write more advice for the couples who are trying their best to reach the end; and though I've written some, I've waited for some to reach past the halfway point; having lost at least one that I know of...wasn't the LBS' doing at the time; it was the MLC'er's problem, and fault, as it does, indeed take TWO to make it through to the other side.
I will also, at one point, place a couple more articles I've written; and one I'm still set to write on the last deep, and MOST confusing aspect of MLC; I'm still trying to think it out at this time; it seems the most confusing aspect was saved for last..but it will make sense, as long as the Lord will help me write it; and with that last one, my own knowledge of this time of life, will be complete, although in puzzle pieces all over the board..
I guess it was meant to be that way, and so there won't be a putting in order of these pieces....just as the crisis is vastly different for each person going through; some aspects won't be seen, experienced, and some will be at various times...and as I have been advised and instructed in this latter time of my own growth, it's NO LONGER my job to search out the information for people any longer..there comes a time when tools are handed out, and then the person who hands them over, steps back, and makes it clear that the person who gets the tools, must learn to use them.
The proverbial baton/gauntlet, if you will, does pass, from one to the next....and it's been time for me to be gone for some time..and I did leave; but, because my thyroid problem was ongoing, I'd stayed in touch over on the alt for this time; and once I'm well and on my feet, I will see what He has in mind, and I THINK it's to finish my articles; make sure my information is as much as I can get out on the latter part of the crisis; then gone once again....He keeps insisting on leaving a door open as a just in case measure..but like all other people who've navigated this through; there will come a time when I'm not showing up anymore, and that's my right to have, hold, a new marriage that's already begun; even before this final six month stage is finished; and a new life that has also already begun for me. Other than his continuing of total Inner Healing that is actually set to end in late August, I don't see evidence of the crisis within my husband, any longer; I haven't since he exited the Settling Down Process back in late February..and this storm is truly past and gone for me AND him. :)
You know where to find what you need; so seek it all out, as you need to....as one of the lessons I learned SO long ago, involved my own research..and I learned MORE when I did my own research..and this was when I got the better handle on what was happening, and I was learning consistently the straight forward aspects, etc. of the crisis.
Some of you can relate better to RCR, some to Old Pilot, some to me, some to the other Mentors on the site; and each one of you will gain what you need from each one....we may ALL say it differently, but mean the same thing, or close enough that your understanding is there.
And, yes, I know, with the help of the LORD, over time, I've taught everything from the most basic of aspects to the spiritual aspects, to other aspects that probably left most of you scratching your heads in confusion, LOL, at the time I wrote it, but at a later time, you began to learn more, understand more, and this does come from experiencing the crisis; and comprehension for each person is always different at the various stages of the crisis as it wears on.
Ok, so I'm off subject; hijacking, LOL!!....((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))) to ALL of you! :)
Thank you for the well wishes; I'm doing well at this time, no soreness in my neck, no headache this morning, when I got up, and I'm healing; one day at a time, one step at a time, I have an appointment for Thursday to get my stitches out, and I will continue to recover. :)
Love to all,
HB
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I wish I had spotted this thread earlier but had to chime in....I know you ARE getting well but here's to continued recovery, good times with Bandit and your beloved.
Big hugs HB!
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Dear Heartsblessing...please don't rush your recovery...allow your body to heal for if you give it the rest and attention that it needs, God has created a magnificant body that shall work well again.
Let us know if you need anything..prayers for you always xoxo
Dearest Xyzcf,
I'm sleeping nine hours a night, doing nothing more strenuous than walking, and turning my head slowly to begin strengthening my neck muscles again; working what little soreness I have out of them, as the doctor has instructed, taking my Synthroid with a full glass of water, eating my food very slowly, and taking it easy on myself, as I'm supposed to, Mother, Dear. :)
You're such a sweet lady to remind me of what the Lord will do as I continue to heal. You're like me, a "care taker"; trying to make sure that I do what I'm supposed to do. :)
I know He's here, even as I cannot feel Him; He explained to me on Saturday... first, that my energy from ALL of my gifts for the time being, would be "turned inward" to help me, and, second, to keep from taxing my remaining human strength He also explained that He would not be speaking to me much; because it takes energy from me to "house" and "hear" Him; and so, though He's working on my healing process in His way, His time, I know He's still with me, just as He has always been. :)
And He has spoken to me very little since then; only one or two things in regards to Bandit; and a couple of other things; and I was shocked at the fatigue that came each time after He spoke to me...yet, I KNEW, because He'd already warned me..but the drain on me was strong..and until I get on my feet good, and healing is almost complete; it will be this way for me.
Much love to you,
HB
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I am glad you are well HB,
You are a strong lady and we are truely blessed to have you around.
I am glad you recognise when you need to take a break and are looking after yourself.
HUGS
W&W
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HB glad you felt the hugs as they were sent with love from many who you have supported on here. :)
Get well soon
((((((((MORE HUGS))))))))))))
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Strength, such as this, only comes from God Himself, that's for certain; and yes, I know when to take off and take the necessary breaks I need. :)
Hugs and love right back atchya! :)
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Just wanted to send my love and prayers. (((((Hugs)))) and know that we all care about you so much. Whenever I am down, I know that I can turn to your threads and Personal Messages for support and comfort. Rest and know that we will continue to push forward in our own journey's towards healing and hopefully restoring our marriages.
(((((Hugs))))
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get well soon hb. speedy recovery and a big hug :) your message to me the other week really helped me. youre an inspiration to us all. look after yourself and take care xx :-*
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Hi Hb you truly are an inspiration to everyone on here.....even through your illness you still supported us on hear.......i believe GOD sent you on your journey knowing full well you would pass on what you learnt to others...........it takes a special person to be able to do the job and get across to others what GOD intended but you do it with such clarity, thank-you and I wish you a speedy recovery xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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Huge hugs to you HB and lots of prayers coming your way. Thank you for all of your advice and help! You have pulled me out of some dark places and for that I am truly grateful!
xoxo
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.i believe GOD sent you on your journey knowing full well you would pass on what you learnt to others.
Indeed, He did, WGH...He knew exactly what He was doing, when He sent me on the first round, then saw me into my Transition, WITHOUT telling me what was going down, as He was protecting me from what was happening, as I was completely unaware of what was going on, except during certain times when He would bring me forward, give me clarity in my mind, and instruct me to do certain things at certain times.
Later, as I was coming out, and trying my best to heal, it was time for the WHOLE truth to come out; and it had the effect it would have had on any one of you; I sat down and cried my eyes out; because NOTHING was what it was supposed to have been, or even as I'd foreseen..as NOTHING was as I had "left it"; our lives were in chaos, and it was then the Lord gave me the whole run down on what had happened; and my memories STILL weren't there in full, and I was forced back to the board I had left before to get some additional information; and the experience there wasn't a good one at all.
I found I wasn't welcome there by anyone, except a few people(and RCR was one of those people who was kind to me) who were actually glad to see me, increasing my confusion, and I ended up in a scrap; but I found out what I needed to know, and was prepared to leave after my husband had broken his ankle..yet, the Lord held me in a "holding pattern"
He was waiting on RCR to open her board, and contact me, so He could let me know what to do, and I did NOT know what was going on.....in the meantime, the situation got worse and worse; and though I trusted the Lord in all of His wisdom, I questioned WHY had He done this to me; sent me into a "lion's den", and was just standing by...He simply said to trust Him, and continue as He'd told me to do...about the time I had decided to override Him; RCR contacted me.
I made the move over here, as per His instruction..and not long afterward, I began to process my own situation some more, and basic truths began to come to the surface, right along with the memories that were returning within me...a few at a time, and I began to see MORE clearly what had happened...and I started grieving for a time that ended within a period of time, after it ran its course...no one knew, as I didn't tell anyone, I just threw myself into what I knew I needed to do, which was the work I'd done before so many years prior; and I did know that knowledge would be added, as my healing would be gone through once again..only in a different aspect, and it all was completed in a timely fashion, as the Lord had said it would be.
I can't even begin to tell you the deep sadness and misery of that secondary 'let down' I felt...it was NOTHING like his initial exit from the tunnel that had gone bad..and all I'd had then, was the let down feeling that something was wrong, but instead of Him explaining what was happening, I was actually pushed by Him to purge my experience, so I would have room to navigate within my transition, and so my memories at that particular time were taken away from me AFTER the purge was complete.
That purge was necessary for me to step over into the Transition I faced for so long...you see, He HAD to do it this way; if I'd known the WHOLE truth at THAT time, when I was NOT ready, I would have walked away, and NOT looked back. In my eyes, He had PROMISED me my marriage restored stronger and better than before; and mistakenly, I would have seen what happened as a "breach" of His Promise; yet circumstances CAN and WILL change things; and He KNEW it would happen; but allowed it anyway, for the sake of showing His Glory; just like He always does, and since He always knows more than me; I completely defer to His greater knowledge and wisdom; though I will NOT always understand what's going on..and I might or might not later..HIS discretion on these matters.
Also, because human nature can be what it is; and my husband had "set aside" his one last most painful issue; one that he should have faced from the FIRST look into his issues, and he chose to run away from it instead, we were within a secondary bout of crisis; in which contained ONLY the stage of Replay, but it was a different TYPE of tunnel he had fallen into..as his processing within the first Settling Down Process was interrupted...simply because ALL had NOT been faced by him..and in the attempt to emotionally "block" that one issue, he'd still managed to resolve the REST of his issues, while keeping that last one at "bay", if you will, exited the tunnel going over into the Settling Down Process....and he really thought he could just "bypass" it.
NOPE, didn't happen, the Crisis WILL NOT be "cheated" of completion..it's ALL or nothing; there is NO halfway or even extra points for attempts....everything will be faced, resolved and healed within, or you will NOT escape additional bouts of crisis that follow as a result.
There would NOT have been ONE thing I could have done about it, even IF I had known..this was HIM; this was NOT me; and the Lord had to work things the way they went to get me to a place where I would be able to accept what was happening, so I would continue working with my husband on it..but since I stayed in Transition for 6 years, Settling Down Process for 1 year, and the Inner Healing for 6 months, the Lord had to allow me to get through everything; telling me NOTHING.....
In the state of mind that I was in for that time, I could NOT have accepted anything; much less this; I was the same kind of "swiss cheese" mind that he had been; and I could NOT take the additional pressure upon myself, so, the Lord DID hide this aspect.
I can see SO clearly now, where He actually shielded me from the worst it could have been, and so, there were things I never saw, as my husband actually got STUCK for all that time..and I really did NOT know anything about it.
Our son, during my Transition, was my stanchion; my help, my pillar of strength, and the Lord used this teenager going into manhood to help his mother(me)get through, encourage me to stay married, to encourage me as a person, NOT just as a mother, and he advised me as if he were someone with knowledge beyond his years..and it WAS like that, as the LORD spoke through son to me..and I actually LISTENED to him, often forgetting how old he was, and saw him often as my friend, rather than our son.
I suffered like any other MLC'er/Transitioner, facing the temptations; though I did nothing wrong, I thought about it...yet, the influences the Lord had kept in my life, helped me tremendously, and my journey took TIME to complete.
And you know, even after it was all said and done, finishing that secondary bout of crisis took TIME to complete..yet, the Lord kept working with and sometimes ON me, even as I reacted in anger, misery, and yes, even resentment....because I had COMPLETED my work within; through his initial crisis AND my Transition, and it was grievous to me that my husband hadn't done all that he was called upon to do...yet GOOD things really DO come out of bad things, and some I saw ongoing, some I saw later, and the best was saved for last, as I finally learned compassion in aspects that I had not had it before for my husband. And saw this man emerge back in February that I had foreseen, and had been looking for, for a very long time. :)
That wasn't the half of it, I entered several phases designed for hindsight understanding; and under His patient instruction, the Lord watched me make good use of the hindsight to continue passing on the knowledge...to keep bringing out, at least from my point of view, aspects that would NOT have been brought out if I hadn't been willing to speak of them...as He continued to work with me, He did show me that next to nothing had been written on the ending that happens....and hit me with a revelation that the majority of people thought it ended when the MLC'er returned crawling on their belly wanting to forget everything and start over fresh, after the affair at the end of Replay; and in situation after situation....not ALL, but MOST took the bargain I warn against taking, as a result, the MLC'er does NOT go on to exit the tunnel, and things settle into what a typical LBS THINKS is the sum total of the end, when it is NOT.....as result, within a fairly set period of time, and most of the time, it's within FOUR years afterward, the crisis rears it's ugly head again; but instead of the couple staying with it, and seeing it through, that was generally the time when the divorces were the MOST LIKELY to happen.
And I've seen a few in my time, plus made that necessary connection to bring this aspect out....so, I know what I've written is true. I also went back and did some research into the matter; to confirm what I had been shown...it wasn't here, but elsewhere this connection was confirmed for me.
The aforementioned paragraph was given to me not too long ago, for the additional information and understanding, AND as a warning to others that came this path behind me that the end of the MLC affair is NOT the end of the crisis itself.
As an aside, EVERYTHING I've written has ALWAYS been backed up in confirmation somewhere along the line..the Lord has never given me something that could NOT be proven to be truth...I have seen the confirmations each time come forth...and that, alone, is humbling to me, as I'd always simply written as He had instructed me to do.
Yet, this particular aspect did NOT happen with our situation, mine had gone much differently; but in some ways, it was the same as my husband tried to avoid facing this most painful issue, (and got CAUGHT up in that net of self deception) that I was completely unaware of for so long, as I could not be expected to catch everything that happened. I was unable to catch and try to divert it,(not that I could have, LOL) due to what I experienced/was experiencing within myself; it was NEVER my problem, anyway, it was HIS, and the Lord's....yet, it was made clear as soon as I had some good sense back, that this secondary tunnel HAD happened.
The vast majority of people who come through to safer waters/otherwise, go ON to other lives, other times, other places, etc..but I stayed; and I see the purpose of this staying until my husband was through his secondary Settling Down Process, and nearing the end of his Inner Healing Process, and, until every last bit of knowledge is written out of me. :)
I wasn't always able, nor will I ever be able, to answer EVERY question....some questions are NEVER answered; and people tend to find that out, as they travel on this road, that NOT every question will get an answer to their satisfaction, nor will some get any answers at all to most things....I was on that wavelength, that "radio station" tuned into that "frequency", if you will; and I'm thankful for what answers I did get; knowing the rest would either come in time or not at all, and this was in the hands of the Lord, as it always WAS, and forever will be.
I've often spoke of the "forgetting" that happens with people, and to be sure, it HAD happened to me, too, just after his exit from his FIRST bout of MLC....and this could have been a permanent thing with me, yet, the Lord chose NOT to go that route with me, He chose to restore my memories in an amount of time that was least damaging to my emotional, and mental state
It's one thing to begin to remember, it's another to remember in FULL at ONE time....had that happened, my entire mind would have blown to smithereens, and never recovered, and He knew that, so it was done slowly, starting with the memories of my marriage from the past, taking me through a process known as "purging" of the marriage, then working forward into memories of the crisis, then touching very gently on the Transition I had just come through, then it came into the present...and after that, I was ready to take it all on again, and see where it went, wanting to kill my husband at first, for his stubbornness, but that passed quickly; and I got to work doing what I was instructed to do in the months that followed...from the threads I wrote, the rest of the story is there, in bits and pieces, but I came THROUGH...with my sanity, my marriage, my husband, and most important of all, with my journey COMPLETE..and though there is still a little more work to do to finish the rest, it is FINISHED, done, and no more is to come....all that's left is what I have left to write, and it's not much.
God definitely DOES work in mysterious ways, His Wonders to Behold; and if He had not done as much as I had seen Him do over time in not just my life, but my situation, I can't say where I would be; yet, He was always, and will always be, the ONE who helps me, empowers me, gifts me, blesses me; and in turn, He has allowed my store of knowledge to be given over time to help others and to shine a light within their ways and paths.
Say what you will, but the Lord has pulled ME out of some very dark places over time, and if it hadn't been for Him, I would NOT be where I am right this moment...and I feel that my life is a testimony for others, not just within the crisis, but as one who sincerely believes that the Lord keeps His hand upon me, makes His face to shine upon me, and I am very blessed to have what He has chosen to give me over time and space...and even though He chooses, at times, NOT to answer some questions, I am reminded over and over in how His ways are NOT my ways, His thoughts are NOT my thoughts; I am human, He is NOT; and the majority of things are left for me to think out, and over, and figure out....simply because I learn MORE that way, that's something I have accepted over time....I take the first step, He provides the increase of my knowledge, understanding, and He will help me when I'm stuck somewhere in my attempts to explain something that I often feel is over my head, but not over His. :)
Yet, this is simply how He works within my life, and I don't see any change coming anytime soon, LOL!! :)
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Hi Hb i so understand everything you say i may fight it at times but i know deep down this journey as to be completed..............I too am having blood tests today as i haven’t been feeling right, tired, achy , headaches pains in my arms also having a menopause screen done as i have only had 2 periods since all this begun.....my doc thinks this may have triggered an early menopause :( :(......hope its that and nothing else........im also having knee op so waiting for that appointment to come through....im only 42 look 30 :P ::) ::) ::) the upside is my sex drive as increased 10 fold ;D ;D the down side my h isnt here to enjoy lol :o :o :o so whilst i do post to others i dont have the energy to put my own journey down...it takes all my energy to comment on others and drains me even thinking of my sitch........so i try for now to read and post on others xxxxxxxxxx
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HB, Wishing you nothing but the best! The times I have heard from you in PM's and on my thread made my days. You are a blessing to so many. Wish I could be there to bring you dinner or something. I need to learn how LGO gets those amazing icons to post so I could send a virtual bouquet. :D :D :D :D
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WGH,
Hi Hb i so understand everything you say i may fight it at times but i know deep down this journey as to be completed..............I too am having blood tests today as i haven’t been feeling right, tired, achy , headaches pains in my arms also having a menopause screen done as i have only had 2 periods since all this begun.....my doc thinks this may have triggered an early menopause :( :(......hope its that and nothing else........im also having knee op so waiting for that appointment to come through....im only 42 look 30 :P ::) ::) ::) the upside is my sex drive as increased 10 fold ;D ;D the down side my h isnt here to enjoy lol :o :o :o so whilst i do post to others i dont have the energy to put my own journey down...it takes all my energy to comment on others and drains me even thinking of my sitch........so i try for now to read and post on others xxxxxxxxxx
Take really good care of yourself...it sounds from what you describe that your Doc is right; from the stress you've experienced, it's putting you into Menopause; but let him take care of you, and do what he tells you...
Honey, yours wouldn't be early, I don't think; I could be wrong, but doesn't Menopause normally start during the 40's? Or is it the 50's? Anyway, MINE WAS early, as Menopause for me set in at age 35, and then the joys of Transition came to be 3 years after; at age 38 for an additional three years, but you make it through, and life goes on; just remember, you must face it all and face it head on with NO running away; and you'll be just fine..you'll come through, just as I did.
One other thing, and I don't want to sound "graphic" but it also sounds like your hormones are swinging into a temporary "high" sexually; and this is also normal, nothing to be worried about; you'll experience "highs and lows" in your sexual drive during Menopause.
The good news is that everything will rebalance back into what it was once you come through it, only to go through another change in a few years post Menopause; which is the actual sexual peak the female always experiences in her 40's. I wasn't expecting it, in fact, I had forgotten all about it..and had to consult with a friend of mine that was older than me; to ask what was happening, and found that she had already been there, LOL!!
You get plenty of sleep, focus on yourself, WGH..as YOU and your health at this time, are more important; and gather your energy within for all that's happening to and with you.
My love and my prayers are with you, Sweetheart, you're going to be just fine. :)
Love,
HB
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LearningIamOk,
HB, Wishing you nothing but the best! The times I have heard from you in PM's and on my thread made my days. You are a blessing to so many. Wish I could be there to bring you dinner or something. I need to learn how LGO gets those amazing icons to post so I could send a virtual bouquet. :D :D :D :D
You might want to ask her how she does that. :) I appreciate the gesture you're wishing you could give; and it's enough that people continue to pray for my recovery, and I appreciate you and the many others that have been there for and with me in various aspects over the time of my illness, surgery, and within this time of recovery I'm undergoing.
God is always teaching me to receive what's offered in the way of well wishes, high hopes, prayers, encouragement, and most of all the love that's offered to me; and I've accepted all with a grateful heart, as I should not only be a cheerful giver, but also a cheerful RECEIVER....I would always hope that people weren't giving love just because of anything I've "done"..which, by my own standards, hasn't been that much; as GOD has been the one who deserves the kudos for that; without Him, I am less than useless in a greater scheme of things.
I don't care about what people "do" for me or even to me, I love them anyway, care what happens to them, and leave them alone, if it's made clear they don't wish to speak to me...but I still love them, and always will. :)
I really DO realize, however, that unless something is 'written' I won't know anything about it; 'cuz you can't just pick up the phone and call me, no one can "reach" me in that way........ so I really do appreciate the time taken by Tsunami to set up this thread, and the time taken by various people to write on it whatever they choose to write. :)
There have been times I have NOT known what to say in response to the outpour of gratitude, and sometimes otherwise, as all I ever did was what the Lord instructed me to do, no more, no less...and when I went beyond the call of duty; it was because He let me know something more was needed....overloading people's capability to absorb information can be dangerous, and often misleading, as people often struggle with simply accepting what they are facing to begin with...and I tried to be as informative(forget brief, LOL) as I possibly could be...and it was because I was paying this FORWARD....I didn't have much to help me when it was me, other than the Lord, which was AND STILL IS, the most important source of information I have EVER had in my life, the mentor HE sent me, and the initial board I was on so long ago, where all of my initial writings had begun.
I never would have thought this would taken on the life that it did, but it did, and now, there is more information than before, and this is actually good; because it really does help to know as much as possible...even as you're being counseled to get your head out of the MLC spouse's drama, and into your own life to begin to learn to deal with and within yourself. :)
Much love to you and yours, LearningIamOk,
Hugs,
HB
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Hi Hb looks like an early menopause had my bloods done this morning checked the results by a doctor on my ward this evening....the perks of being a nurse lol looks like i am in menopause.....and yes it is early according to the doctor..... with my levels being high ive been going through this for at least 3 yrs........ my FSH levels are 87 very high when there supposed to below 30........but i feel better knowing i thought there was something seriously wrong.........i kept thinkng what if ive got a serious illness and dont get to see this journey through to the end >:( >:( >:(Anyway my h better watch out cos i might consider having my own MLC now ive got the perfect excuse and it appears more fun....... i can spend go out and basically do everything for me me me.......no only joking i wouldnt wish the pain and heartache on anybody........Well maybe o/w but dont think she as any feelings anyway so she wouldn’t spoilt lol.......so now its back to docs next wk for some hormones etc....I will be happy to feel normal again or what ever normal is......maybe me going through this as hindered my progress but once ive got the medication i should be back to my usual form so god help my h lol...........thanks for the info on menopause............oh yeah as soon as h found out i was having tests he blamed himself and said im so sorry for this............wish i had been strong enough to not let it get this far......he also texted this morning saying been really stressed and worried about you and i woke up this morning with a cold sore the biggest one ive ever had.........i nearly texted back and said oh you mean herpes round your mouth have you considered that maybe o/w leaving her nasties but i was nice lol ;D ;D ;D xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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Looks like you're on the right track, WGH, I, too, suspected menopause, but we know a God that is bigger than all of us, and He saw ME through, and He'll see you through, too, Sweetheart. :)
Maybe the next time you return to post I'll have the decency to have a thread of my own started, LOL!!
I'm thinking it's time for that..but not tonight..take care of yourself WGH, my thoughts and prayers are with you. :)
Love you,
HB