Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: offmyrocker on April 20, 2011, 02:58:02 PM
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I'm curious... How long has It been since BD for all of us? I think it would be interesting to see where everyone is and the process in our journey... Not to "compare", but rather to read sitches and follow the journey of strength that only time unfortunately forces you to do...
For me: 13 months... 14 months since I knew something was not right and the start of the affair.
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25 months since BD, 30 months since I knew something was really wrong, and in hindsight it was probably a year prior to that H started his decline into MLC.
Yikes - those numbers look even worse on paper than in my head! :)
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10 months
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Lol, When I first started with all of this, I couldn't even imagine me doing this a year from then.... I was "supposed" to make a decision! Everyone asked me what was my "plan"...They just didn't get that my decision was not to make a decision, lol. I got to say though... I can't believe how fast this year really went now.
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Mine is 22 months since he first left (no idea that there was OW) 20 months since BD and 19 months since he felt to live with her.
xx
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11 months since BD
8 months since he left
Found out about affair 2 months ago
Affair was from at least 8/09 to 9/10.
L
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BD #1 - 23 months
She Filed 5 months ago.
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OMR-
Yeah- this was some kind of 10 months for me too.It seemed to fly but take a
r-e-a-l-l-y long time to do it.
I don't think I can entertain another whole year- not apart like this anyway. I might have to just shut the door. I'm willing to give this until July but if I don't get the feeling it's going to progress I'll have to go into self presevation mode.
I can't imagine two years or more-
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8 months
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BD #1: 12/08
BD #2: 10/09
BD #3: 12/09 + found out about affair with OW
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The fateful day was 4/9/09 so it makes a bit over 2 years.
She wants to file this summer. We will see.
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almost 15 months.
16 months since i knew i had a REAL problem.
looking back though a year prior that i knew there were changes. nothing major thought he was suffering burnout, financial stress and an unexpected rpegnancy adding to it all...
nothing i could have done to change it because i can remember saying to him periodically we really need a break, quite a few weeks not just a few days. and i was trying to encourage him to ease up.
I also remember a few weeks before bd saying to a friend if dearheart were to die I doubt I would want anyone else. well he didn't die he cheated and walked out which my initial reaction was to kick him to the kerb and then i saw some behaviours and I realised he was depressed and that threw me into trying to find out how to help even though I knew different from experience.
Sometimes it is very lonely and i long for someone to love me BUT in actuality it is dearheart I long for.
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I'm guessing 15 months or so.
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13 months . Issues started at 15 months. Worrying about how carrying me on his insurance after we retired would be expensive . Very irritable . Short tempered. Out of character for him.
He's never thought ahead 2 weeks about insurance, now 15 years before retirement?
Butterfly
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8/10- I am not happy, I want some space and be alone, maybe I am not cut out to be married.
11/10- same story, but left for 2 nights.....talking about moving out
2/11- moved out...then contacted me to tell me same story.....blah, blah, blah
Are we all having fun yet?.... Not so much....
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1st BD June 2007 - almost 4 years ago - did not move out
2nd BD Feb 2008 - moved out in March 2008, Filed February 2009
My breast cancer diagnosis - June 2010
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16 months
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just over two months.MLC decline since sept 2005 (hindsight a great thing ,not). he hates me. we're on a"trial separation" but know in my gut that he isn't coming back at the end of it. sigh.
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First BD was 4 1/2 yrs ago, telling me he was very, very unhappy. That we had nothing in common and he couldn't see himself being retired with me. My response was "who is she?!" Doesn't seem to have been an alienator at that point. Tried MC by myself and things improved somewhat, but that's around the time he started tailgating with a lot of rowdy younger guys at the football games. They were all at least 15 yrs younger than H, who was 50 at the time.
BD 2 & 3, 12/10 ended up a 2 wk separation at my suggestion, came back for 6 weeks only to leave again because he just wasn't happy. Had been having an EA with a gym instructor for more than a yr at that point. So in hindsight I may be almost 5 yrs into this S**t.
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BD 23 months ago. Has never left, but still insists he is divorcing me......one of these days.
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- 16 months since BD & moved out
- Said there was no one & even later when asked said that things are hard enough without adding an affair
- Something not right 4 years ago (see it in hindsight now)
- Found out about affair 2 weeks ago
- Affair started at least 5 years ago
- Repeatedly says (even tonight) does not want a divorce as he does not plan to ever remarry
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2 months
These answers are like jail sentences. How long you in for? What are you in for?
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BD was Sept 09. Had 2 OW's at that time and one clung on. He left in Nov 09.
BD2 was March 2010 when I discovered the whole secret life thing and confirmed there had been a 3rd OW before the other two!!
I reckon he had been sliding into this since 06, definitely 07.
Do you think I'll be eligible for parole anytime soon.....I'm a reformed character..honestly ::) ::) ::)
Let me out of here :o :o :o :o :o
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BD was Sept 2008, strange behaviour since Jan/Febr 2008, at it's worst May/June 2008.
Divorced since Febr 2010. On occasion contact through email. Mostly NC. I saw him for the last time from a distance in Sept 2010.
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BD 6 September 2010. Moved into rented flat with OW 24 September 2010.
I think she made contact with H on FB in May 2010 and they first met up (after thirty years) in June 2010. Find it difficult to see how far back it all goes. Probably at least a year before that he was starting to lose interest in things that he'd once enjoyed.
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BD #1-23 months (disclosure of affair which he ended, lots of weird, scary talk about marriage :o)
BD #2-12 months (not happy and haven't been for yeeeeeeeeeeeeeears)
BD #3-11 months he leaves to pursue relationship with OW
BD #4-8 months files for D
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4-08 (36 months.....went to a sporting event, got very sick, came home very different...extremely depressed)
1-09 (BD #1---(28 months ago .....ILYBNILWY...speech)
8-09 (BD #2---need to divorce, can't be fixed, feel nothing for you, not sure I ever did)
7-10 (BD #3---divorce needs to happen)
11-10 (BD #4---definitely moving out)
2-11----Gave me divorce papers...I refused to sign...hasn't officially been filed with courts.
Packing, but still living here.
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Monster/Mr unhappy began appearing 9/07
33 months since BD - Aug 08
16 months since he left (the last time)
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July 14, 2009 BD #1He told me he wanted a separation- sent me home from Hong Kong
Sept 7, 2010 BD #2 Said "I don't want to be married to you anymore"...goes to work in Brazil (I was supposed to be going with him..for 4 months I had been studying Portuguese and preparing to move)
So 21 months since BD #1..when I look back, he was more distant at least 1 year before that so July 2008. I talked to him and shared some books and we discussed that we needed to bring ourselves back again.....didn't get the chance..he made the decision...we haven't lived together for 21 months and have very minimal contact now. We are getting legally separated and have a mediation date for May 24.
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18 MONTHS AND COUNTING
BD - OCT. 09
MOVED OUT DEC. 09
HE FILED FOR D - FEB. 10
D FINAL - OCT. 10
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April 08 - A started (I knew nothing but some wierd behaviours)
Dec 08 - BD#1 (I busted him in A, lied to me saying A started in July, left but came back to try again. Said he had ended it - I don't think so)
June 09 - BD#2 (ILYBINILWY speech, leaves same day. Got a flat and moved OW in)
22 months since he moved out to live with OW.
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Got the speech in February of '10 but have vague memories of feeling like I was losing our marriage the prior October... so the discontent must have been going on for some time.... I was walking on eggshells at that time just trying to stay out of his way which was interpreted as me not caring about him. I think I can't remember because I was in a transition of my own.
Found out about OW around April of '10 but I believe it had been percolating for some time and definitely went physical right after BD and he just never came home again. He insists I "pried it out of him", that he would never have told me... :o
Secretly moved him and OW into an apartment in another state September of '10 after we got back from Hawaii..... he said he "had to try and make it work with her or he might regret it for the rest of his life" :o
He left OW several times to try and come home, but finally moved ALL of his stuff back in a couple of months ago. He is still in contact with her and has been to spend the weekend with her a couple of times since then, but I believe he is LIVING here permanently. All of his stuff is strewn around the house... got a new box of checks with our address, getting Fios installed on Friday... 3 pairs of shoes under the bed.... acts like he owns the place! ;D
Not pressuring at this point. Getting my own life.... he started wearing his wedding ring last week when he took me to the airport. Son says he was asking him to check my FB page to see my pictures of vacation... ;) Still acts like he has one foot out the door and I expect him to be wierd for a long time. 8)
It ain't over, but steady progress has been made. Wish the Karma bus would hit OW in a big way before it gets to my husband. I will feel better when it does.
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18 months since he said he didn't think he wanted to be married anymore. then things got a lot better and then in May of 2010 (11 months ago) he told me he was taking some clothes and leaving and he didn't want me to be calling him all the time. One month later I found out he was living with ow ( i caught him with her at the friends house where he was staying before he moved in with her but he told her he didn't want a divorce) In August of 2010 he files for divorce and it was final in January.
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09/08 - In hindsight, I believe this is when MLC began in earnest.
04/09 - I knew something was wrong and I believe this is when EA started
07/19/09 (21 months) - BD - EA revealed, I'm not happy...blah, blah, blah
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7/09 - EA ended. Spewing began and lasted heavily until August, 2010.
8/10 - I stopped bawling and started to stick up for myself without tears and meant it!
9/10 - present - still in replay with head peeping out of tunnel.
Got a long way to go.
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I know we can never put too much into timelines but just an observations that there does seem to be somewhat of a pattern in the timelines on her with most Bomb Drops and or personality changes occuring btw 08ish an 09ish. Now in the "normal world" this would look like a LARGE time span but in MLC I think it's significant that so many of us saw it begin around this time. Nothing really to be gleaned from it just a hmmmmmmmmmmm factor. RCR has some good info on her that could be a very good source of qualitative research on MLC. Not sure how other boards are but the way this one is organized makes so much sense and really captures the "stories" and "journies" of MLC.
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Bomb drop Oct 09
Moved out Nov 09
In hindsight noticed a few 'out of character' episodes shortly after his graduation in May 09.
A few insults at me namely, that he said I had let myself go and I should try to be more feminine, and that he had just thought of me as a mate for a couple of years.!!
He also said he resented me for sponging off him for all these years.
He is still deep in replay and as selfish as ever. Me me me.
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Replay........I Hate it. Now he's wondering how come his 94 year old mother in Florida said "He abandoned his family." Where is this stuff coming from..?
ME 50
H 51
M 10
D 9 & 11
BD 2-14-11 Gone
OW 2-14-11
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2 months ago. He was kind of depressed for the last 3 years. Became nasty and short tempered in the last year. I even said to him that I felt like I had to walk on egg shells around him. I also now looking back that he was withdrawing from me for the last 3 years. We went through some financial issues and that seems to have started this MLC. I even asked him last fall what was wrong because he was depressed and he said he felt dead inside, numb and that he blamed himself for our financial problems. It was not his fault and I told him that several times but I couldn't change how he feels inside.
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11/10 BD
12/10 Supposedly started EA/PA (might have started earlier--everyone else thinks so)
3/11 --Moves out and says it over.
In hindsight, personality began to change at beginning of '10--withdrawn, flashes of anger, fatigue--all of which I attributed to new, stressful job. ..
As I just posted on my thread--WHERE ARE ALL OF THE SUCCESS STORIES???? Looking at all of these numbers just feels so depressing and hopeless...sorry to be a downer
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25 months since BD and 31 months since found about him meeting OW for "coffee" in early morning hours, they were " "just friends." " And and 36 months (3 years) since I knew something was wrong as he was really distant.
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Zinger,
This is a realitively young board.
I think it started up last May.
Thus, as MLC takes a long, long, long time - there are only a few success stories.
Also, oftentimes - when the marriage is repaired - the LBS will stop posting. These stories bring up painful and tough memories. If my marriage were on the mend - would it help or hinder my success if I were to continue to read/post on this website. I don't know.
I would like to think that I would stay and try to help others - as I remember what it felt to be a newbie. It was so tough - some of the only solice that I found was here.
Just a little info regarding the lack of success stories here.
L
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Plus many LBSs shut the door in their faces and file for D and don't look back.
They are not like us. We are a special breed.
But it's true if you had a success story wouldn't it be hard to come back here and read all this insanity while rebuilding.
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That all makes sense. I appreciate your responding and again I don't want to be a downer. I guess my question is--how do we know that all of these strategies around standing, GALing, not pursuing, etc are actually effective?
This forum has been so supportive and comforting--I really don't mean to be unappreciative. I guess I am just at a low--the pain of all this is literally breathtaking :'(
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I guess my question is--how do we know that all of these strategies around standing, GALing, not pursuing, etc are actually effective?
Although this forum is new none of the advice that is being given is new.
It is a combination of many other forums and advice that has been given for quite a number of years.
Many of us have done extensive research into MLC
I personally have read will over 25 books on the subject.
So while there are no guarantees I am sure that if you work on yourself YOU will be a better person.
YOU are the only one that can guarantee that YOU are happy!!!!
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Zing, am a newbie as well. I hear you.
The best success story I have is my sister and her H. He left and was in his own apt for 20 mos. Lied about OW big roller coaster ride. Came back b/c the inner turmoil of running away from my sister and the life they had built together caught up with him finally. He was tired and realzied what he threw away.
They tell me about the tunnel and the tears and the guilt.
Literally he said " I didn't know what the f' I was doing. I was scared."
He does say that my sister's grace and dignity towards the end is what made him realize what he had done to her. And how much he cared about her.
When she spent 18 mos beg n pleading he hated her.
Keep your head up. Make a bucket list for yourself. PRAY!
MB
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How do we know if what we do is effective?
Interesting question.
I would say, if you judge your response to this question in terms of your MLCer and how he/she is responding or what he/she is doing or not doing - you will believe that your actions are ineffective. That would be in the short term and the medium term and possibly in the long term.
If you judge your response to this questions in terms of yourself - how you are responding, what you are doing/not doing - it is very easy to see if your actions are effective or not.
They say fake it until you make it. Early on, my actions or inactions were designed to have effect on my H. BIG failure. He wasn't reacting or not reacting when I GALed or Let go. He wasn't ANYTHING. He is not engaged with me. He shows little to no interest in me or what I am doing. (Maybe, a little - but who knows?)
But, when I really looked at myself. What do I want to do? How do I fill my time? My life? When I started to do for ME - Wow - I found my actions/inactions were EXTREMELY effective.
I started to feel better, sleep better, my appetite returned. I found myself having some fun, again. I actually laughed! The lode on me felt lighter. I relaxed more.
On Thursday, I had lunch with my Mom and 2 sisters. We talked, we laughed. I teased them about silly stuff. My Sister said, "L is back!" And, she was right. I am back.
This MLC crap got me down for quite a while (still does, occasionally) - but I am back to being more of myself. Also, I have made some changes in ME that I like. Except for the part about my marriage being over - I am happier than I have been in a long time. Happier with MYSELF.
So, I judge the GALing and actions that I have been taking as being very effective.
Someday (I truly believe this) my H will see it. Maybe I will care when he does. I don't know. But, I won't worry about it, for now. Cause for now, it doesn't matter.
Hope this helps.
L
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It helps us all a lot. Thanks.
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Thanks everyone. MammaBear, thank you for the success story--what a comfort that must be to have your sister and her husband (I gathered he was the mlcer??) there to give you hope. I would love to hear more about whatever he has shared about his state of mind in his own hindsight.
I get how GAL is important and I have been really trying to focus on me. And i do feel better in some ways--about myself, my relationship with my girls, my appreciation of what amazing friends and family I have, how strong I am and thanks to all of you--the undeniable kindness of strangers. I guess the detaching and letting go is what I am struggling with. It feels scary. Also, I was not raised religiously--I come from a long line of agnostic/atheist Jews and I feel like I don't have that spirituality to turn to. I so wish I did. I love the saying "Let go and let God" but for me I guess it feels like it is just "Let go" without faith that something will catch me on the other side...
I feel like I have read at least 20 books on marriage/divorce/mlc, etc. It occurred to me last nite as I was going to bed that my bedside table looks so pathetic--piles of books and things I have printed out from this and other mlc sites. I am an analyst by nature and somehow I thought if I could truly educate myself about this, I could control it. I guess I am coming to terms now with the fact that I know in my heart that I can't. I think maybe I need to pack some of them away for now maybe as a symbol to myself of letting go??? :-\
Again, so many thanks to all of your for time, thoughts, and patience with me...
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Mamabear
Did your sister talk about their interactions much? How they were in the beginning, middle to the end? You said she begged and pleaded at some point. Can you give a few more details? Was her h monster ? And what was sitch with ow?
Butterfly
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He is a contractor/owner and he met her at a job. Talking ..EA she was married. He got an apt of his own next door to my sister and his house and had affair for 20 mos. He lied about it for most of it. She found out and it lasted for 6 mos more. He didn't file any papers didn't want her telling the extended family. She did finally OW left her H. My
sister was doing "everything wrong" She texted,called,cried,followed, you name it she did it. She went to IC for a lot of it. She saw this site we're on here now and said "I wish that was around when I was going through all of that." She said she was flying blind.
She told me to just keep doing what I'm doing and as the sun keeps coming up and going down he'll make progress through HIS tunnel and come back a BETTER MAN>
It's so hard.
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It is hard. But that story is encouraging in that they reconciled despite all the things she did " wrong".
And he came back after 20 months. It doesnt have to be five years , 10 yrs, whatever. You feel like you are possibly waiting for something hopeless. But that story is inspiring.
Thanks for sharing. If you think of any other significant details, please share more.
That's so interesting how the MLCer feels out of control. It totally doesn't seem like they are.
Butterfly
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For me Bomb D # 25 mths I want to live alone, i dont want any responsibilities , even though son was only 13 at the time
Bomb D # 20 mths discovered OW he had been seeing her on and off for 11 mths by then.
Moved Out April 10
Wandered back Dec 10, but kept his flat on
Left on Thursday again, to think about things, he has been here more since he left than when he was here :o