Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: BonBon on May 05, 2011, 12:58:14 PM
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I am reluctant to ask this for fear it may take away some people's hopes of feeling better but it's been bothering me for some time. I've read so much about this being a journey for both the MLCer and the LBS and that ultimately, as you work on yourself, you come out a better person.
My question for all of you is do you feel this will be the case for all of us? I don't see how it possibly could for me. My trust is in the toilet. My faith in the glory of true love...gone. I did not have a perfect marriage but it was great. I'm sorry, I know people may not believe this but I've had two years to think about it and even H agrees that it was. And I am not in denial - I would face any ugly truth to heal what happened here.
Don't get me wrong. I would love to think this will make me stronger and wiser some how but right now, all I can see myself as becoming is more jaded, more tired and less optimistic. Oh, and did I mention trust? Gone. Probably forever. How is this supposed to make me a better person? I appreciate your insights.
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Dear Bon bon, I justwrote a post that explains how I am feeling, today anyway..but as time goes on I feel more and more that my life will smooth out again. I don't want another relationship and crazy as it sounds..I could trust the Beloved I know him to be..not who he is today...but the one that is locked down inside him if he ever surfaces.
If you can imagine..could you have ever thought this could happen to you? I never did. So, if I could not have imagines this..then what is to prevent things from changing in a different directions again. I have heard many stories of couples coming back together and have talked in the flesh to Stayed's husband..will this happen for all of us?
We shall indeed all change...we have lost that innocence perhaps....I think that if we allow ourselves and don't shut down because of the pain and the hurt..that anything is possibe..with or without our spouses returning. But we must be open to those possibilites or we shall miss out on so very much.
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BonBon,
I think as with any adversity we face, we are stronger. The scars that we bear from this or any other difficulty in our lives are stronger than the original tissue they replaced.
That doesn't mean that we won't have difficulties in some areas. Trust will take longer to rebuild or to build if you no longer stand for your relationship.
I look at it like this....when I was in the worst of it all and my despair was greater than I thought any human could bear, I saw things very futile. Now that I am no longer in that place, I have been able to see so much around me that is beautiful and amazing. I have discovered how deeply I was loved by my family and my friends. I have found such a deep reliance on God and my spirituality....something that I thought was strong, but was truly lacking in so many ways. I have found an independence in myself that I never knew existed. I have found that I didn't have to give all of me away.....that I had value and sometimes I needed to put myself first. I have found that virtual strangers located all over the world could be a source of strength to me in so many ways.
I think what we gain personal is so incredibly valuable. It allows us to go back into that relationship or a new relationship as whole people. People who have found themselves and people who know what they need.....who know how much of themselves they gave away. I think we need to be able to value ourselves like we should have all along in order to move forward.
Does the experience make us cynical? I don't think any of us can truly know that until we are on the other side and completely healed. I think it is only in hindsight that we can see the value in all that we have experienced.
Just my thoughts.
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Bon,
I hear ya. My trust is shattered and it is hard to believe I could ever trust my H again. EVER. Ever, ever, ever. Yet I have to trust (ha ha) that if we end up together he will work on building that again. He will have to.
My M was also good - not perfect but really good. I don't know if my H blames me still for how horrible (?!?!?) his life turned out, at least he doesn't outwardly, but who knows. I know it wasn't me or our marriage that broke him. It was something within him that he has to fix, or be willing to try to fix.
This journey has taught me that I am stronger than I ever knew. My faith and relationship with God has deepened significantly. I have learned to not sweat the small stuff. I have learned/am learning patience. My changes are there, but I am not a completely different person.
I have a hard time not being cynical about marriage and "true love" these days. I hope that is just a phase and I can believe in it all again.
((hugs))
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I may fall further to the optimistic side.....so I guess I should say that up front. Do I think I can trust my ex-wife again? Yep. Am I now jaded on relationships in general? No. What we as LBS are experiencing is, actual diseases aside, about the worst thing that can happen to someone......that being MLC.
I trust that MLC is a process. I think there are a couple of things in the MLC stories thread that should not be overlooked. One is that when the MLC has passed, there is true remorse from the MLCer. It's not the on their hands and knees begging kind of remorse, but as RCR's article says, that's not what to look for. The second thing falls under the category of they can't help it (it being the MLC). Like Jim Conway writes, it's not like the MLCer asked for this to happen to them. I know, some LBS have empathy and some don't. I am one of those who do. I don't believe my ex-wife asked for this, and I do believe she will have regrets.....which will hopefully lead to a desire to rebuild.
I am tired of the MLC. But understanding that it is a process helps me to deal with that. It's like my friend told me a couple of days ago.....the process has seemed accurate so far for both his ex-wife and mine.....so we can hope it will continue that way.
There are not a bunch of changes that I am making with myself....I am not the one in MLC. However, being an LBS, I am learning more about patience and the unconditionals.....love, grace, forgiveness.
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Thanks to you all. I do believe that hindsight may reveal more than I am aware of now and I hope that is the case. I was tested in love long ago, by someone before H. Frankly, I was devestated by this person and had my strength tested tenfold. I did not think I would have to bear witness to this sort of betrayal again. I thought my "tests" from above would not be in the same area.
What is funny is that now that H's replay is waning and he is loving and affectionate to me again, it is now that I am feeling more cynicism than ever. Perhaps before, when I was so confused and freaked out, I didn't have time to contemplate the issue of my own growth...or lack of...or whether that growth would simply be change and not for the better.
I don't know. The jury is out for me. I am sure some people wind up with better marriages. I think right now that this may have been a necessary journey for my husband but I just can't make the leap that it has or will benefit me.
I do value hearing what others have to say and hope this garbage of a situation benefits others in the long run.
I was an optimist previously. I think that's why even though H's MLC was low energy, I got really sucker punched nonetheless. I have discovered that I do love him very deeply but I am dismayed to realize I have little to no empathy, despite the fact I do believe this was not something he wanted and perhas some sort of mental disease. I'm not proud of that...typically I have tons of compassion for most everything and everyone. Hmmm.
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DGU,
Since we're not supposed to look for remorse in the form of begging on hands and knees, what exactly do we look for? I read RCR's article but I still don't really understand.
Thanks,
Bon
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Okay, this sounds really ironic but I am more optimistic about life in general than I was pre-MLC. Maybe it is because I have had to make myself look at the blessings and the good things to take my focus off the negative. Of course, that doesn't make any sense based on what I said before. ::) It is hard to explain.
I know I am just weary, weary, weary and that colors a lot of my thoughts right now
I am certainly hoping for some expressions of remorse some day. My pain has been so deep and going on so long now. :'(
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From my view there are a couple of things that RCR says that help me with what it means. One is the sentence below.
Groveling and begging are desperate, not remorse. Remorse is genuine and deserves respect.
Knowing a bit about my friend's situation, this is what his ex-wife seems to be doing. She has put things rather simply to him thus far. She has said things like she doesn't know what she ever saw in the other man (whom she married and divorced in less that two years). She told my friend that she can only imagine how bad it must have hurt to see her leave. And she said she wishes she would have listened to people who tried to advise her to stay married to my friend. She is taking it slow.
Jim Conway describes the "coming down" from MLC as gradual. Trust does have to be rebuilt. True remorse by the MLCer will go a long way in helping rebuild trust......as will true forgiveness from the LBS.
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I have been working on forgiving this whole time, but perhaps my fear of not being able to trust him is the fact that day after day the hurtful things are in my face and it is hard to remain as detached from them as I "should." I don't know if that makes any sense.
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It very much makes sense. I hold the personal belief that MLC is tougher on the LBS who live under the same roof as their MLCer.
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I agree with DGU and trusting. I lived with mine for a year during his MLC and it was much harder...the LBS has no personal space and my goodness I just remember the way he would look at me...AND I WAS PREGNANT WITH OUR SON...at times the eyes were just so dead and so scary. I commend those who have been living with them for years during their MLC...I couldn't do it..it was more painful for me and made me feel stuck. Most of my growth started after he left and HE GOT MUCH WORSE and more high energy and full of antics
HUGS
BUGS
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That is it exactly, Buggy. Sometimes (okay, a lot) lately I feel very stuck.
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Goodness, I want to write a lot on here.... I have to rush now but will defiintely come back to finish.
It's going to be a bit of a side track, but it is about rebuilding relationships and becoming a better person.
I had a long, long conversation with my mother last night; she and I have had a difficult relationship for a long time, partly due to me wanting things from her that she wasn't able to give. It was about how to move forward.
It is truly amazing how it is possible to trust, and to forgive, the moment there is some acceptance from both sides.
I need to run now, but will write reams on this....
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TrustandLove,
I look forward to your thoughts on this when you have time.
T, I'm happy to hear you ARE more optimistic! Really! But I know that is not all you are feeling and I know your pain is immense.
I never wanted H to leave but sometimes I myself wanted to. I did not. I would not given what has happened so far but I do believe that living with this daily has indeed worn me down. There is no space. My long dormant panic attacks started just prior to BD, and definitely because I knew something was really wrong.
My panic attacks prevent me from driving other than a few miles from my home. Annoying and awful for many reasons but the worst is that I could not get away from the house other than to take a walk....I totally depend on H to drive me around. Ironic how once again, the MLC's complaints wind up being what they do to us:
I think about how my H's biggest concern was being irrelevant yet that is exactly how he made me feel. He was terrified of becoming unattractive as he aged and again, that is exactly how he made me feel. And he complained that he needed freedom and that is exactly what was taken from me thanks to his actions precipitating my panic attacks.
It's alot to get over. I've already forgiven some things but I won't be the same person and again, I can't really think of traits I've acquired that will make me better. I'm sorry to be so negative. If I'd had a marriage that needed alot of work, perhaps I would feel differently. And maybe if he has an epiphany and is willing to admit it, that will help. I get apologies and revelations in dribs and drabs so maybe I am waiting for groveling despite the fact that shouldn't be what I want. I'm not proud of that. Just honest.
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T, I'm happy to hear you ARE more optimistic! Really! But I know that is not all you are feeling and I know your pain is immense.
Bon - I'm not so optimistic today, LOL!
I totally understand what you are saying. Their journey really IS about them and their issues. We can taken from the journey what we want to or feel we need to. A biggie for me was the realization that my identity had become just that of wife and mother. Those of course have great value, but I had lost ME over the past few years. Even just pre-BD I realized that I had given up so much of myself and who I was and the things that drive me and I have been trying to recover that. It has been really, really difficult because of these circumstances, the job market (would love to switch jobs), etc. are keeping me "stuck" in some ways, coupled with the fact that I have NO TIME, doesn't even feel like a spare second, to pursue some of the things I want to.
I get the feeling of wanting to run as well. I honestly don't know if we didn't have the kids where I would be or what I would be doing. I of course absolutely will not walk because of them, and they need me to stay for them and to fight for their daddy, but honestly . . . I don't know.
Sorry about your panic attacks. :( I went through a period of having panic attacks after we were married about a year, I guess due to stress at work. The funny thing is, my H had absolutely NO IDEA until about a decade later (guess I was young and stupid and didn't want to tell him). He thought I had become a home body because I just never told him about them and I was really actually afraid to go out, particularly by myself. Somehow I managed to work through it and after about a year it was all under control, but this MLC has at times had those feelings of panic start to rise up and it scares me because I don't want to go back to that place. By the grace of God, though, I haven't. I totally understand where you are coming from on that as well.
The thing is, just as the MLCer's journey is theirs and individual to them, so is ours - what we need to improve, what we need to change, or that we really don't. Does that make sense?
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Hi Bonbon,
I am not sure that I would couch it as a better person, but maybe a stronger person? I understand the trust thing, I think we all have it, but what I have lost is blind trust and I wonder if that is actually a good thing because we can love people and feel as though we know them and make assumptions based on those things, and in the process forget that we all evolve and change throughout our lives and the only persons behaviour I have even a smidgen of hope of predicting is my own, and that is because I am (relatively ;) in control of it, and not of anyone elses). I also am starting to remember that I a competent person in my own right and that knowledge helps my self-confidence which means I am less of a pushover - again I think that that is a good thing, it may alienate some but maybe the people that don't or can't accept that I am entitled to my thoughts and opinions don't DESERVE to be my friend - for instance, a year ago I would not have posted this post for fear it did not conform to what I thought the others on here believe, now I am practicing the art of respecting others opinions whilst not being afraid to share my own (and hopefully retain the capacity to change my mind if someone makes me think about my own differently, but not just because I want to be liked). I have stopped people pleasing as much which I see as different to having compassion for the suffering of other people, something I think I better understand - that may be "better" too. It is funny because I also have some new optimism about some areas of my own life, but that may be because I have consciously decided to not wait around for H, if this could take 2-3 years and even then he might not return, I am not wasting another second on him. I have moved out of the family home to a new city with my 2 kids, I am job hunting and hoping to kick start a career of my own, which never really got off the ground due to me supporting him. I am taking care of my kids, making new friends and may consider dating at some point too (I know it is frowned on, but if H ever comes back, he will have to accept that HE walked away from me, basically telling me to move on, if he can't then he is more than a hypocrit as I would never have started something with someone else under normal circumstances)
For me that is living "as if". And if he wants to come back, he will need to make amends and prove he deserves me. If he is not man enough to do so, then he is not man enough for me and never will be. My point is that to find out who you are truly capable of being you have to do for yourself whatever it is that helps you grow without your MLCer and for me that involves the above, it might be different for you. I am in the process of letting him go. If he wants to ever come back it will have to be his effort (at least at first) and I will then decide if he can fit into my busy life of new career, plans, directions, friends etc.
I do believe that this will make me more fulfilled, more self-aware and confident and therefore a better person in the long run. That is not to say I do not have (long) moments of anger, bitterness and disbelief still, but they are lessening the more I move away from the life that we had towards one of my own design.
Sorry to be so long winded. Interesting discussion, will be watching the opinions of others as it progresses.
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OK, I've got a bit of time; I'm going to try. Be warned, this is likely to be long and wandering, and I may have to drop it before editing, and will then come back to it later.....
Background to this is that I never really felt that my mother loved me -- that is a harsh thing to say, but it's true. My mother says that she just never had any idea of what I wanted, that she didn't know what to give me. That's been something going on for years, not just in yesterday's conversation.
Don't get me wrong, I wasn't abused, just "benignly" neglected. My parents were too busy with their own dramas to really worry about any of us.
I called her because of something I think Bewildered put in her post (sorry if it was someone else) about one of the most intimate things two people can do is tell each other exactly what it is that they need the other to do to meet their needs. I thought about my r with my mother, about the fact that my MIL has alzheimer's and can no longer be there in any way for anyone, and thought that I'd try again with my own....
That is the relevance to "being a better person" -- learning to actually ask for what I need. I thought I'd start with her, and maybe a great benefit of this would be an improved relationship with her and lots of healing of past hurts for me.
I was always a sensitive child; one thing that my mother used to say to me even when I was very young was that I was "too sensitive" -- that it was my own fault that I felt bad. And that just made me feel worse. Unaccepted.
Now the background here is that my mother has the skin of a rhinoceros. She also has the gift of re-writing history, and honestly just forgets all the bad stuff.
All things which make life easier for her. I can get angry and resentful about that, but that is her and I'm not going to change it.
Now I'm not sure if I'm any more super-sensitive than anyone else, I think it's that my mother is super UN-sensitive. She said very tellingly last night that it also means that she doesn't feel happiness and joy in great measure either, she just lives life in the middle.
So I started telling her very specifically what I wanted in a given situation. And gave some examples of how she had done that in the past, and one very glaring one of where she had gone totally the other way. I was careful to say that my hurt feelings weren't her FAULT, but that I had found her behaviour hurtful.
The biggest shock was hearing that she had absolutely no memory of that time. It wasn't just one conversation, either, it was a whole two-week period. She was blazingly angry at me, blaming me for all sorts of things that I had no idea about. She just said that she always thought of how nice it had been to visit me. And the truth was that she had enumerated exactly how bad a hostess I had been, telling me that I hadn't washed her sheets frequently enough, that the food wasn't good enough, that there weren't fresh flowers in her room, and much, much more. The result of that was that we again didn't speak for a long time, and that she didn't come to visit for something like 5 years. When about 6 months later I tried to apologise for my part in it all (I was willing to take the blame for everything but one incident), she just brushed it aside. I now know that she really, really didn't remember it at all.
(when she did come next, I pulled out all the stops and put the rest of life on hold for the duration. I had no idea that she didn't remember the previous time....)
Shocking, really.
But that is a digression -- interesting possibly only in that it may be similar to what our MLC spouses do.....
But the bit about becoming a better person is that we talked, not about blaming each other for past transgressions, but about how we would do it better in the future. Specifically, how she would try to meet my needs in the future, but more crucially, what I would expect. I completely owned the fact that I may have always been expecting things that just weren't possible.
The thing that I found amazing was that the minute that she acknowledged that I had been hurt and that she wanted to do something to meet my needs the next time I saw her, I felt a flood of forgiveness. I have been looking for that for years.
She didn't crawl -- she said very plainly for me to tell me what I needed, and we talked about how that would be possible. She said she couldn't do anything about the fact that she didn't remember -- and that's true. She said it most likely was a way for her to cope with all sorts of hardships that life has dealt.
She didn't say that she would try to change. And I think that's crucial. She just said that we would work to try to meet my needs being the people that we are.
Now there is still a ways to go, but I will start by calling her again today and telling her that just acknowledging my needs was a big thing for me. She said that "somehow we never give you what you need even if you say -- probably because you always seem so capable, so we just think you'll be OK". Backhanded compliment, I know.
So I continued repeating very specifically what I would need. It felt a little odd at first, but became easier. I stopped expecting her to "know". I realise that she is never going to be the type of mother that I would have wanted, but if we can do this we'll have come a long, long way.
So through this I do hope that I can become a better person, better in being able to express what I need from someone.
Right, gotta run, this is unedited, more later....
OK, it's later....
Not much to add, only that I know with her that I will have to continually express what I need. Perhaps that is what we need to learn to do with everyone, rather than blindly expecting them to do what we think is right.
This was really an eye-opener.
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I realised that I do have something to add.....
I'm not a saintly person -- the forgiveness that I spoke of was for lots of things, but I still have to work through the bigger abandonment issues: my father was an alcoholic who basically drank away his family; my mother's leaving him was what saved his life, for it got him to sort himself out.
That's half the story -- the bit I have a hard time forgiving is that my mother had been having an affair for years, and left my dad to marry her affair partner (to whom she has been married for nearly 30 years now....). I have never liked him, and have spent 30 years telling myself that it is OK because she is happy with him. I never call him my stepfather, he has no place in my life.
so I'm still struggling with feeling like my mother chose him over us (read: me).
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Wow T&L,
That was a very moving story and a profound experience for you. I'm glad you are keeping things going with your mom and I hope that your forgiveness is appreciated and respected from her.
I do agree that some MLCers forget what they have done and said. I know my H has because when I've mentioned things, he honestly looks like he has no idea what I am talking about. That is another reason I believe this is some sort of mental illness...a fugue state of some sort.
I think that perhaps alot of my problem is that again, I suffered a romantic blow of epic proportions long before I met and married H. I've written about it before but in case you all don't know, I was supposed to marry by boyfriend of seven years and on the night before the wedding, I found out he had cheated on me the entire time and did not want to get married. He proposed to me out of fear I would leave him (I did not know this) and let me forge ahead and make plans for a large wedding. We had to call 250 odd guests on the night before the wedding and the morning of, cancel the whole thing. We were living together at the time as well. My life was in shambles. I swore I would never open my heart again let alone trust a man. And yet, I grew in many positive ways after a brief period of self indulgence and destructive behavior.
I became the person I was meant to be. I knew who I was, what I could survive and I raised my standards of who I would have relationships with and what I would put up with or not. I learned to stick up for myself, be direct in my needs and never let someone crush me again. Most of all, I would not even consider a romantic relationship unless it was with someone who had the same values, the same level of devotion and they must be unequivocally loyal and honest.
Three years later, that was who I found. I had already done my growing and forced myself to trust, based on his word and his character. I no longer wanted to be married to be married...but rather because I had found my soulmate. He did not have to be perfect but had to be perfect for me. That was a growth process I completed and gave me phenomenal strength and standards and character I didn't really have prior to that mess.
So, I do understand the growth that can and should happen. I just wonder what lesson their is in this for me since I already dealt with this sort of thing once before.
I am heartened by those of you who say this has been a lesson in finding yourself, speaking up for yourself and so forth. I know what it's like to learn those things and it feels darn good no matter what prompted it. Bless you all.
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BonBon, I, too, thought I had already dealt with a lot of horrible things before I met and married my H. Specifically relationship things. I, too, thought I had found someone who shared my values, was devoted, was unequivocally loyal and honest.
So there is no rhyme or reason. Life throws things at us; each affects us in different ways. I do think my H had, indeed somewhere in there still has, all those qualities listed above. But it turned out that his coping skills weren't as developed as they needed to be to deal with what life threw at us.
To tell you the truth, I don't think any of us knows how we would react to certain things; and it's not even each individual thing, it's the mix.
But we owe it to ourselves to keep going and to keep learning.
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Bon Bon. I agree with you. I wonder all the times what's going to happen. When he comes out of this mess, will I want to be with him and spend time with him. I'm guessing human nature will help us to eventually forget but will we ever forgive him for the torture, pain and emotional turmoil. Will we ever recover fully or will we be traumatized for life. I ask myself constantly and honestly I'm scared o the answer. What if once he comes
Out of his MLC, I'm the one that wants nothing to do with him. As I detach more and need him less and he is less and less emotionally and physically tender towards me, will I ever get tired and then not want him in my life. It's very scary and tormenting!!
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I do agree we owe it to ourselves to keep growing and learning.
I guess I am just in an exhausted and somewhat bitter mode right now and I apologize for that. It's not that I feel I should be immune to this since I already went through relationship hell long ago, it's just that I feel that I can't possibly learn over again what I've already learned. Only the future will tell me that I guess.
Kappy, I think alot of us face or have faced that question. I already have faced that as my H is only barely still dangling in replay and has come quite far through the tunnel (don't get me wrong...we have a long ways to go). The question you raised scared me terribly though so I know what you mean. I decided I didn't need to have the answer until I saw this through and I was not going to quit until all the cards were played out. I'm stubborn...more stubborn than the MLC so far.
I do have a deep love for my H. That hasn't changed and it's been tested. But I have other feelings that aren't so positive and those will need to be worked out.
I think we all have to do that.
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A few rambling comments.....
MLC has very little to do with the marriage (as a cause of the crisis). It has much much more to do with the emotional development of the one going through the crisis. I am a FIRM believer in that based on MLC stories that I know about and based on the research that RCR has done.
The LBS will nearly always have the final choice on whether the relationship is rebuilt. Read RCR's blog from yesterday.....toward the end, it mentions this.
MLC is so hard on the LBS because it typically involves both infidelity and abondonment....two of the hardest things to deal with.....and the LBS usually gets to deal with both. This is why I believe when the MLCer is truly remorseful, trust can more easily be rebuilt. It's hard to see that for most of us right now because we are still in the eye of the MLC storm.
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Bonbon. Don't get me wrong. I'm absolutely positively sure that I love my husband. Incan guarantee you that ibloved him today more than I did before. My lie has grown through the storm.
Dontgiveup. I don't intend to give up and I plan to fight til the end. I am scared that when it's all said and done, I'll be out of gas to keep going. I pray to God for strength, guidance and patience to get me through the storm. And I always pray for my miracle!!
By the way, I always pray for everyone here too that is going through their own storms!!
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Bon Bon
I am fairly new on here. I have been through hell in my life too and trust wasn't easy for me to get to either and I fully and completely trusted my h prior to last summer. He had a weird EA. Anyway. He still complains about me not trusting him, why? He doesn't acknowledge any of what he did, thus causing my attitude to be "jaded" badly. I fight this, I don't want to be jaded, not because of someone else. That just makes me mad. I do believe that some of us are more likely to find ourselves in this spot as LBS but that is because we give EVERYTHING to our spouse. Our hearts, our souls everything. I did. How can you give it all to them and be okay when they act like frickin lunatic. I don't know that answer, but I WILL prevail, somehow. You will see me having BAD days still, but I fight within me a lot to NOT be jaded and to NOT say love isn't real. I was a great lover of love stories prior to H's MLC, but not so much now. Now they irritate me. This is part of ME I want to fix, I don't want him to take that away from me, my ability to love and trust. YOU protect your heart, find a way and do it. Easier said than done, but necessary. Good luck I will continue to read on your posts and see how you do. This is a really awful place to find ourselves, but at least there are all these fantastic people living with the same pain and they tell us how they feel, that reminds me I am NOT crazy. I just loved.
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I think that this is such a good question that you ask. I was just talking about this with my daughter around a week ago.
With me, it probably has more to do with the financial devastation more than the abandonment but it's really hard for me to separate because the two go hand in hand. I was ruined completely financially, and unless a true miracle happens, I will never recover. Daily life is very hard for me. I have health problems that I can't take care of, I go without most everything except what is necessary....and I go without some of that.
I hate to sound negative too, but on the whole, I can honestly say that I'm not a better person, in accordance to what I think a good person should be. Maybe people have different views on what "better " is? I try my best everyday but I can honestly say that I always did. My basic values are the same as they have always been. I'm kind to others, I'm respectful and I'm understanding....up to a point.
I used to be so empathic, but I'm less so now. From the time I was a little girl whenever anyone got hurt, it bothered me terribly. I stopped watching local news years ago because the horrible stories were too much for me. I did not need to become more compassionate.
I'm not bitter or hardened, at least I don't think so, and I don't want to be that way. I find it difficult now though to listen to people when they are complaining about their spouse, and how they did the laundry wrong, or how they haven't had a vacation in two years. I haven't had one in about 7 and probably will never have one again! Try having your husband abandon you 2 weeks before your 25th anniversary without so much as a note, if you really want a reason to be pissed off! I never say these things but I think them. Does this make me a "better person".....I don't think so.
I suppose I'm stronger in some areas than I used to be but I'm weaker in others. I'm stronger in that I survive on my own, I handle my emotions better than I used to but in the ways that really matter to me, like being a productive person, and helping people, I'm truly lacking. I'm too busy taking care of myself because I have to. All the issues involved here from the abandonment, the affairs, ....all the MLC craziness has killed a gazillion brain cells in me....some of it may be due to getting older :-\...I don't know.
That which does not kill you sometimes leaves you handicapped but I really am not a complete basket case, and I have found, and will continue to look for any blessings that I possibly can find.....it's what you have to do. I laugh and joke around everyday. At the moment, I live in the moment and I don't worry about a whole lot, I can't afford to. I help people whenever I can but my ability to do so is less than it used to be.
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hrtnbig,
I'm so sorry you find yourself here. I can identify with what you say, I feel the pain in your words.
I have a feeling that you will not let this take away your ability to love and trust. I used to feel the same way but despite everything that I've been through, and I'm aware of the damage it's caused, I know that I can love and trust again. I don't know why, I don't know when I realized that I have that ability but I don't question it. Everything takes time.
There was a time when love stories irritated the crap out of me too, now I can enjoy them again.....
Early on after my XH abandoned me and it truly felt like he wanted to annihilate me, I wrote him an email. It was partly because I was struggling so badly to hold on to something but it was also to thumb my nose at him a little. I entilted it "Blessings". I had to think long and hard to find any but the things that I found were all about me. He took everything away from me, what we had worked 25 years for, it felt like he had taken away my pride, my sanity, it felt like he was trying to take away my identity because of all the badmouthing and lies....but I knew who I was, and what I had to hold onto was knowing who I was. He couldn't take THAT away from me.
My "blessings" were along the lines of I'm blessed because I still the ability to find joy, in nature, animals, children, etc.
I know how to love, I have my integrity....etc. Rather pathetic but it's all I had!
I'm not suggesting you tell your H this or anything like it. Do it for YOU. But perhaps come up with a list of your own of things about yourself that you really value, and remember that nobody can take these things away from you unless you let them.
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I agree with DGU that if the MLCer is truly remorseful, trust can be rebuilt. Completely. That is what I learned from my conversation with my mother.
I pray for the opportunity to do that with my H as well; so far I seem to have tried to control that, to make it happen; maybe finally now I'm letting go enough for it to even be a possibility.
But it definitely can be.
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GBM,
It sounds like you have truly had it rough. I have to admit that for me it is necessary to "make" myself do the things that mattered to me before. Like take care of my friends even when their problems seem so inconsequential compared to mine ( in 4 mths H left me with 2 small children in a foreign country, then my father almost went to prison, then my Grandmother who I was very close to died and I couldn't attend her funeral because I was moving that day because I need to get a job after being a SAHM for a number of years as H is not going to support me for very long). I actively have to make myself "care", but when I do and I get back to discussing normal everyday problems with friends it actually helps me remember who I am and the person I should remember to be. Also, it takes the focus off of me, which is good because otherwise I would tend to wallow in my own misery which, never mind everyone else, is no good for my mental or physical health. It is an effort but again I see it as part of "acting as if". It is a cliche but it is my small way of following the idea that you have to "be the change you want to see in the world".
One of my great complaints about my H in the months before BD is that he was all words but no actions. He was king of "say the right thing, but do nothing". I refuse to be like him, which is a powerful motivator!!
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Hello everyone,
I really appreciate what you've written and it is interesting to me in that some of you have endured much worse pain and hardship from your loved one's MLC than I have. That makes me feel very guilty and full of self absorbtion (again I'm mirroring the MLCers self absorbtion - how ironic.).
I do agree that I have realized some of my own blessings. I have told my H several times in this last year that I am who I am. I am willing to work on marriage things if there are issues but I will not change who I am nor my expectations regarding behavior in a marriage. I have told him that I have plenty of faults but I actually like myself. I know who I am and I don't think it's half bad. The very fact that I can and do admit my faults and recognize my good points puts me at a huge advantage over the MLCer and no, that will not be taken away from me. No way. Now how. I almost let that happen. But I didn't and I will not. Period.
I don't think I will ever trust again. It will take remorse the likes of which some will never see to make that happen and I doubt that I will see that. Not because it isn't in him but because I am not optimistic he will face that head on.
That said, as HB once said, I simply don't want to be married to anyone else.
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Standanddeliver,
I did have it rough, but everybody on here has it rough. I haven't even gotten into half of what I went through. Part of me would like to because I think seeing that people can get to a better place, eventually, is helpful. I'd like to share sometimes just to show that I understand and sympathize with their pain, or anger. This SUX for everybody. The other part of me doesn't share a lot because I don't ever want to come across as "I had it rougher" kind of attitude....no, no, no. I still sympathize with a very good friend of mine even when she complains about her H eating her cake, lol. I really do understand even the trivial problems in life. I guess what I was describing was at certain points, when I was at the lowest of lows, that hearing certain things from people was hard for me.
I took huge hits, emotionally, and financially, and I even held the attitude for awhile that I was a person that this shouldn't have happened to because I don't have what it takes to survive it......but I did. I'm doing quite well, and nobody is as surprised as I am!
BonBon,
I don't think you should ever feel guilty for feeling what you feel. This stuff his hard, it hurts plain and simple. I think you are right in what you say, about being the sort of person who examines yourself and being at an advantage. I've said it before and I'll say it again, the people on this site, who even make an earnest attempt at trying to figure this stuff out, stand for their marriage( even if only for a time), and try to find compassion and forgiveness, are a huge step above the vast majority of people that I encounter in my world.
One time I was talking to my boss, and trying to explain how I felt(don't know what came over me), and at one point I said " it made me crazy for so long trying to figure out what I did wrong...etc.". He said to me "that was your first mistake, even thinking about it at all". I was rather appalled.... I said "no, not at all, part of who I am is having a desire to find where I might have made errors, and hold my self accountable for that". That shut him up.
Big kudos to everyone on this site, you are all fabulous. To say that this is difficult is an understatement.
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BonBon
I don't think you should change who you are. I don't think any LBS needs to change who they are. Who you are did not cause the MLC. Your marriage did not cause the MLC.
I hope this comes across right, but I get the impression you are fighting against something that doesn't really require fighting. In my opinion, he just needs to process his MLC. I am not one who thinks the LBS really needs to change. I think the LBS needs to be the "lighthouse", solid and consistent.....not changing.
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DGU,
I am going to respectively disagree with you. ;) (Sorry).
I am in the camp that believes that the LBS needs to make some changes, too.
Maybe because I am/(was?) somewhat broken myself, before, during, and after my marriage.
I probably am not the first person to acknowledge that I was not without fault in the demise of my marriage. There were things about my personality, things about me - that I truly needed to change. I was sometimes overbearing, obsessive, naggy, b*tchy. I didn't let things go. I would argue points until my opponent (my H?) would give up in frustration and just let me have my way. (Actually he seldom put up much of a fight). :o
I was a workaholic. Didn't pay enough attention to my spouse. Took him for granted. Had a sharp tongue. Allowed myself to become overweight and didn't take care of myself - as much as I should have. I held grudges. I didn't let things go. I brought up the past and never forgave. Certainly never forgot.
At the same time, I was fiercely loyal. Gave everything that I had, and sometimes more. Stood behind my H, when he faltered. Never strayed. Truly loved him, with all my heart.
There are some things about me, that I like and plan to keep. Other things - that I no longer want to be.
This MLC, that I know that I am not responsible for and didn't cause - has made me take a really hard, deep look at myself. And, some things, I didn't like to see. Didn't want to admit or acknowledge about myself. But, I had to. And, I know, should I ever have the fortunate opportunity to have a relationship again (with my H or someone new), I will work my hardest to realize that the most important things in life are family and love. Not take for granted what I have (and I could lose).....Be kind, forgiving, and patient.
Am I still going to be ME? Of course! There are some very wonderful things about me. But, those crappy things? They need to be gone.....'cause that is no longer me. I'm not that shrew anymore.
So, for me.....I respectfully disagree. The LBS should take an inventory of himself/herself. Realize that you are not the cause. That you cannot fix it (him/her). But, you can fix yourself.
Isn't that what life's truly about? To learn from our experiences?
L
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Wow, I think both of you, DGU and Laurescan are right! lol.
It depends on the person. Again, many of my lessons on love and relationships were learned long ago, pre-H.
Laursecan, absolutely, living and learning are what it's all about.
I think though, for me, this time around, the lessons I have learned are not happy ones nor positive but for some of us, it will be positive.
For me though, I already knew I could survive. I never took my marriage nor my husband for granted. Not ever. I'd already been down the rotten roads of bad partners. All I've learned is that even your best, most trusted friend in the world can turn on you in a dime. My lesson I guess is I can only trust myself.
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BonBon,
I am concurring with you. I also believe it truly depends on each individual. I've tried and tried to do a lot of soul searching on my part. I can honestly say that I like myself and I don't see where I need any changes..........not directly. Perhaps, I should change a few minor issues but only if my exH decides to come back and work on a new relationship. True, there would be things that need some "twinking" (if you will), in order for our relationship to be even better. I'm not without flaws or faults..........that's for certain. But, I knew I too, could survive without him..........already done that before. Over the past 25 years of my life I have become a different person. I strive to treat others as I want to be treated. I smile and speak to people daily. I feel like perhaps others are hurting or suffering in some way and a nice smile or kind word can do wonders.
In the short 6 years I was with my exH I changed but I think it was not only for him but also for me. He is a kind, generous man with a big heart. He didn't like confrontation and neither did I. I now think that perhaps NOT being direct and stating how we each felt caused some problems. In other words, I think we both kept things to ourselves in order to prevent any type of confrontation.........mainly out of fear. That will not happen to me again. Lesson learned. I have also decided that from now on I will speak up and say how I feel............but I will do it with compassion. I want to shed my fear of not being able to trust or love again. I suppose that will happen in time...............just like MLC.............it takes time.
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I think our entire long journey through life we should be looking at ourselves and be open and willing to work on things that need work. That is part of growing as a person. I think the crisis jump starts that in a lot of us because we are suddenly put in a place we never thought we would be.
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It's very true Trusting. It's amazing that it takes a crisis to make us look at ourselves and see our flaws.
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Life itself is definitely a continual learning and maturation process.....for some, that emotional maturation process even includes MLC (unfortunately).
I do think examining and working on the Self is very important. As RCR writes, doing so will help in any relationship, including a future relationship with your MLCer. I believe working on the Self includes some specific things....the unconditionals.....love, grace, forgiveness. I believe these can be part of the maturation process, but it's also likely true that each of us struggle with these in different ways. Forgiveness, for example, is one that gets mentioned by LBS on here fairly frequently.
I guess my point is that I have many of the same characteristics and values that my ex-wife fell in love with. Those things are who I am, and who I will be. As Jim Conway says, when MLC happens, the value system of the MLCer turns upside down. He writes that in most cases, however, the value system of the MLCer returns once the process is complete.....and in most cases is even more refined. Perhaps that's why we hear of martial relationships going to a new level post-MLC.
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I have to say that if Conway is right, and the previous values are even more refined, I will be very happy indeed.
I think what might be happening for me is that my H is changing rapidly. He has become nicer and nicer to the point now where he is acting towards me as the pre-MLC person was. That said, I believe there was some cake eating very recently with his FB account...the (hopefully) final attempts at his outside validation. Nothing that big a deal...but cake eating nonetheless. At the same time, what I've been hearing for a few months and with increasing intensity and frequency in the past few weeks, are declarations of love and devotion towards me. He has even gotten weepy a few times telling me how much he cares. What we all want, right?
Though this has not come with overt apologies.
But interestingly, while I am glad on the one hand and certainly relieved, it has allowed me more freedom to have my own feelings. During peak MLC, I had fought so hard to detach, to keep my feelings at bay. Now, as he draws closer to me, my long supressed feelings are coming to the surface and while somewhat hurt, I am angry. Lordy, I am angry. I think this is putting a negative spin on my outlook on this being any kind of growth or learning experience. I'm not sure what to do about that right now.
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I have to say that if Conway is right, and the previous values are even more refined, I will be very happy indeed.
I couldn't agree more, Bon. My H's values are so skewed right now that it makes me worry it is permanent, but I will take more refined than before once this is over for sure.
I think (and just guessing here) that while your H's declarations of love are a really good thing, the fact that he hasn't expressed the remorse shows that he is still pretty far in the tunnel and maybe hasn't started to take a look at himself yet. Just a guess.
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Hi T,
There have been apologies previously...quite a few....but not the all out no holds barred thing I want. And maybe that means he is in the tunnel still or maybe that means I want the groveling I'm not supposed to want? I'm not sure what to think...
Very confused indeed.
I hope both our H's refine those standards...SOON!
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BonBon
Just based on what I've read here, in Jim Conway's writing, and witnessed through where my friend is, I believe it is a combination of both. It sounds like he may be in what Conway call the "coming down", or the final part of MLC. Even though it's the final part, he is still in his crisis. Conway calls this a gradual coming down from the doubt and anxiety that is MLC.
What you describe from your husband is similar to what I see RCR describe from her husband. Not groveling....and not an intense, condensed apology.....but sincere remorse expressed over a period of time while still struggling at time with the freshness of the crisis. I think it's only natural that you will also struggle for a while with the freshness of the crisis.
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Hi DGU, thanks so much for your explanation. I haven't read Conway's book and so I'm not familiar with the coming down effect. How does one know they are still in crisis though?
This weepy thing is strange. He used to be weepy at times when he was feeling very connected to me but of course there was one none of that during peak MLC. I don't know if he is weepy because he really does love me or if because he's feeling remorseful or feeling that he could have lost me? I have no idea what to make of it. This weeping is when I say something "cute" or as was teh other day, him hugging me after spending the whole day studying, erego away from me, but only upstairs. It's really tough to know what to make of it.
Thanks for any insights!
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I don't know that you will necessarily just be able to say that on a certain day his MLC is done. As your mutual trust continues to build, you will slowly but surely feel more comfortable with where he is.....where you both are. No need to rush that.
As far as his weepiness, it could be all three.....he loves you, feels remorseful, and knows he could have lost you. You know him better than anyone, so I would say if those things are what your intuition tells you, there's probably some accuracy to it.
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Thanks DGU!
It's funny. You start out as an LBS totally confused...then you get used to what you're dealing with and don't feel as confused...then they start to turn around and you get confused again. Maybe I should call myself a CALBS....confused AGAIN LBS!
Thanks!
:)
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I get angry that we (LBS) are going through same issues as MLC spouse. We are growing older, struggling with lost youth and dreams. We to have that. Not to admit wrongdoing to us as through we are parents instead of spouse, hurts. That is where I have been, treated as a mother. I want to act immature and have fun as well. I am tired of feeling as though I caused any of this by being laid back in my marriage, by trusting. In trusting I have lost faith in love. I have now, but I am working to get it back. In church on Sunday the pastor changed his original plans for his day. I felt like it was for me, but I didn't tell him. He asked for anyone struggling with any kind of pain to come forward. I went and H didn't follow, which was good for me, he thinks I have no problems. I asked them to pray thta I believe in love again and can find the strength to believe I am worthy of being loved. I could bash myself here and say why I shouldn't be loved, but that isn't going to help me. My parents were hard on me as a child. My brother was always in trouble and they had to take "extra" care of him, so when I had issues, I kept them to myself or took them to friends. I have always counted on friends. Probably to much. Most of my biggest issues are from my feelings of inadequacy. I do believe if we don't fight it, we can become jaded, I recently met a woman in her early 50's and she is a "manhater" which scares me I don't want to be in that boat. EVER! I love men. I have also come to another idea for me personally. My h and I are the same age, if I had married someone a decade older than me, we might be the same age mentally. I think men stop maturing in their 40's. I think they forget to grow. Women are always "working on somethingon themselves" but men, if they are, it is physical work they are doing on themselves. They don't read "how to love your mate" or any other self help books on improving communication with someone you love. If in fact they are capable of love at that age. I don't know. I am still so unsure, but I know working on ourselves and trying to make ourselves better cannot be a bad thing, right?
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Hrtnnig, I totally agree with you. I get frustrated and flustered. Y do we have to go through this pain because we r mature enough to know what our priorities r!!! Not fair. But I guess we really don't have a choice right now if we want to save our marriage!! But it sucks!!!!
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hrtnbig
The feelings you have are normal for an LBS. The things you refer to can happen to men or women. I am a male LBS. The lack of emotional development that is MLC happens to both men and women.
I am very much capable of loving my ex-wife, even now.....but that doesn't mean I don't hurt from the feeling of being abandoned. It is frustrating. Like RCR writes, our spouse's/partner's MLC will likely be the hardest thing we ever deal with.
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hrtnbig,
I can hear alot of what you said coming out of my own mouth. I always loved men, never jumped on the man-bash wagon, but I will admit, for the first time ever, I almost did due to my H's MLC. I've just been put through the wringer too many times, by too many men. Finally, I marry my dream man and for 12 years, smooth sailing. Then this. But finding these forums made me realize this isn't a "man" thing but a human thing, regardless of gender. I'm glad for that in the sense that I didn't ever want to hate men.
With all that said, my patience for this MLC issue is not true patience but faked for the sake of getting through it with hopefully an in tact marriage. To be honest, I have very little compassion for the MLCer. I'm 3 years older than my H and as a woman, I know that my "time in the sun" in terms of being "attractive" has a much shorter shelf life than a man's due to societal ways and I resent that.
I'm turning 50 this year and he's barely more than 45 and yet I have to coddle him? Are you kidding? So I get where you're coming from.
And although I don't know you, I would strongly guess you are worthy of love. Very few creatures in this world aren't...and I don't even know who they might be. If that is an issue for you prior to the MLC, it has the potential to get worse because the LBS gets the crap kicked out of them esteem wise. Don't let it happen. You deserve love and hapiness as much as anyone. Don't forget it.
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Bon, as I read through your thread; I recognize the place you're in; as I've been there, too....you've a man who for so long denied wanting to have anything to do with you, shattered your trust; did many things you thought he would NEVER do......and now he's trying to come forward to you; you're not sure what to think.
You can't see from where you are at this moment in time; neither could I; and I thought I would never trust him again; but in spite of all the trust issues I had for a number of years; I did regain that trust; and hold it, even now...it's not the same kind of trust I had before; what I had before was BLIND trust; now, it's an "eyes wide open" kind of trust; I'm not blind to him, anymore...his behavior is predictable; he explains everything, nothing held back; and it took us time to reach this point in our relationship...just as it will take you and your husband time, too...but it will return...little by little, step by step, as he proves himself once again to you.
What you also have on your side, is the fact that you've dealt with something similar before; many changes were made back then by you; and there's not much left for you to do to finish. You can do this; I know you can. :)
You say you'll never trust again; never say never; because you'll find, in time, as your marriage comes back together; you'll end up eating your words; especially after he proves himself again to you; and if you're looking for remorse; you won't necessarily get that; the whole story will come out in bits, pieces, and parts; it NEVER comes out all at one time, as I well know.
I struggled with trust issues; even as I was still in the process of becoming the person I needed to be; and I found that as long as I trusted GOD; I didn't need to trust my husband; I had enough confidence in myself to know that if something went wrong; I would always know about it.
But time, heals ALL wounds; given time; and though there are some aspects you may never forget; once you heal from the emotional damage;(and you WILL, because I did); you'll leave this where it needs to be, the past; not buried; but resolved....yet, again, it takes TIME; you'll get through this.
If I can come through whole and healed; I don't see any reason you can't do the same....and I'm not any stronger, any better, or any bigger than any of you. :)
I get angry that we (LBS) are going through same issues as MLC spouse. We are growing older, struggling with lost youth and dreams. We to have that. Not to admit wrongdoing to us as through we are parents instead of spouse, hurts. That is where I have been, treated as a mother. I want to act immature and have fun as well. I am tired of feeling as though I caused any of this by being laid back in my marriage, by trusting. In trusting I have lost faith in love. I have now, but I am working to get it back.
Hurtingbig, at least you're making the necessary connection that it's not just your MLC spouse that's facing issues; it's you, too; facing the same TYPE of issues. That generally leads to the conclusion that the LESSONS that are learned out of this are the SAME for BOTH people. :) It is not the issue(s) you face; however, but HOW you deal and face everything that matters; and that means actually facing it head on, and resolving this problem; in time.
Remember the fact that the MLC'er has actually REGRESSED back to childhood; and that will take you a long way toward understanding WHY they hide things from the LBS; AS IF, the LBS is a parent...children don't wish to get into the trouble; and the MLC spouse is of that mindset. Sounds crazy, I know; but that's how it is; I dealt in the same way.
In the LBS' case, it is perfectly acceptable to have fun; and still be mature adults; that is where the GAL comes in; you find something fun to do; and just do it; no one's holding you back; unless you allow them to hold you back. As long as it's not wrong; do whatever you choose to do.
I cannot say that because my trust was shattered at one time; that I lost faith in love itself. I'd learned during his MLC that love and trust don't go hand in hand; they are separate. I still loved my husband, but I didn't trust him for a very long time; you can love without trusting; it's hard; but it can be done.
On the other hand, at a later time; I found I was losing my love for my husband; but it came back; given time; as I progressed through the resolution of my own feelings, perception, and what I found to be a steady commitment within myself to hold on; hang tight; and walk the road before me; praying as I went. :)
Not trying to "fix" you or even fuss at you; just presenting another point of view.
I know it seems like you all will never come through this; and it seems the road is so long that you don't know just how long you will be able to walk it. I asked some of the same questions; and ranted like a mad woman at times; but time was what I had; and I used it as wisely as I possibly could; all the while; getting my focus OFF of him; and putting it on ME; because I became the most important person there was for a long period of time; and since I could not do anything for me; I decided to do for ME.
So, I emotionally left him behind; although I was still there, physically...I came and went as I pleased; and stopped worrying about him...this didn't happen overnight; it started with a conscious effort; and became a habit after a period of time.....at least, until he started turning back; then a whole new set of "rules" went into place.
It's hard, at first, getting your focus off the MLC spouse and onto you; but time is a factor here; because you must DECIDE; making a conscious decision to do for yourself; because you sure can't do anything for them...and if they decide to follow at a later time; ok, if not, eventually, that will get ok, too...
It's really hard to know what to do, and when to do it; but the MLC spouse is someone you've been with for a long period of time; and you KNOW them; therefore you've got a working idea of how they are; even as they act like strangers.
It's best to just "leave" them behind; and get on with your life; and hope they might turn; but if they don't; remember this is a choice they make to lose everything they once had; this is not something you "caused" to happen, nor is it your fault....the MLC spouse bears ALL responsibility for their actions; and this has everything to do with them, and nothing to do with you......don't take their actions personally, it will only increase the hurt you already feel.
It was just as hard for me to come to realization, as it is for you to deal with what you're seeing at the moment; a total stranger you don't even know; and don't know if you will ever know them again...but there is a chance you will; there is always hope as long as you still love the MLC spouse..if all love is lost; all hope will be gone.
Hope is what you have when everything else falls away. I know, I've been there, too.
Love to you,
HB
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HB
That posting was spot on for all of us LBS here. Many are facing the fears of losing the love for their spouse. I don't believe we lose the love it's just we are hurt and confused by their actions and words. I guess when we really detach and take care of ourselves we can see MLC for what it is . A very painful growing process that we had no choice in but can grow from nonetheless. I am beginning to see that this journey might be a blessing in disguise. It has been hard to reach this point and I do fall down sometimes but get back up more quickly these days. Maybe it is because my H is a Vanisher...not sure if this has helped but think it has its positive advantages . No back and forth which would be a frequent reminder of your life together as it had been. The OW/OM in your face regularly. Not to say I don't wonder about all these things but not as often. These days I make decisions based on what I want or need not my H. So I have a new job that will be more rewarding to me. Something I can grow in and be happy. Also got a one year old black lab named Stormy..he is awesome. See I am GAL as much as possible and it is all mine :D
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HB. You've got it right. The problem is that it's very hard to see it when u r going through it. My H, for example, had a physical affair which ended 3 months ago with a close friend of his family. He's still friends with her on Facebook and doesn't understand why I think he needs to unfriend her. Dies that really need an explanation?? It's common sense!! He tells me he was invites to OW dads house to watch the game (she lives there too) but decided not to this time but he might the next time. Hello!!!! Doesn't he see how that would make me feel!!
The whole back and forth of this morning I want to be here and work things out but by afternoon he wants to live his life. it's very stressful. I guess one day when this all passes and we look back at it we can see it as a growing experience. Right now it's just a painful nightmare.
I just pray that I have the strength and wisdom to get through this and save my marriage because there are days like today that I'm drained and I don't think I can continue.
Thanks for your posts and your help HB. Please keep helping us!! :)
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HB,
Wow. I think that was my favorite of all the things you've written...and that says A LOT! :D It was perfect for where I'm at now...and it's perfect for those that are dealing with partners further in the tunnel as well. Thank you, thank you.
G4Y...just want to say...Welcome Stormy! Nothing like the unconditional love of a furred one to help and I must say, they are the best companions...no offense to humans but at least pets don't haev MLC's! ;D
Kappy, no, none of that makes sense. That is classic MLC. If I had a nickel for every incredibly obvious offense my H committed and looked positively clueless as to why this or that was a problem....well, let's just say I'd be buying you all flowers. It's MLC...none of it make sense. Hang in there!