Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: One day at a time on September 03, 2019, 02:47:39 PM
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I find myself for the last couple of weeks very affected by triggers.. They are EVERYWHERE!!!
Just to give you an example.. Last week I was talking to a coworker about a holiday to Northern Spain 5 years ago. I went with H but I find it extremely hard to talk about what WE did, because WE does not exist anymore. So I talk about it like I went alone but that feels very weird too.. Talking about the past, trigger!
Another example, the neighborhood BBQ was on last Sunday.. It happens right across the road from my house so if I'm home, everyone knows and I feel like I have to show my face. So I went out and I was on trigger mode for the entire hour I was out there!! Why does a neighbour asking me "How are you?" trigger me so much?
People talking about their spouses, wedding planning, holidays.. Even now talking about the triggers is triggering me!! Does this EVER stop? :P Any of you have any coping strategy for them? Will I ever feel normal again?
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I promise, they do go away. It’s that old thing we like to call “time” once again. At first I could not even talk about the place we used to go on vacation. Last fall I was able to actually travel there thanks to a friend who gave me her air miles and hotel points. I went back to old spots that we had spent years vacation and out and I was surprisingly OK. When the first two or three years, doing that would’ve killed me.
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I’m with you One Day. I am often triggered by just being around my husband now. His voice. I have to focus on breathing.
I’m thinking the more healed we are, the less triggers.
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The "triggers" lead to the fight/flight /freeze response that is the body's system designed specifically to become active when there is a threat.
I have been in therapy for the past 2 years with a practitioner that specializes in mind/body responses and taught me several techniques to use to return me to what she calls the "green tree zone".
One, which I recently posted on another thread is as follows:
My therapist has taught me to freeze frame the situation, then make it smaller, decrease the colors and decrease the volume..it is a technique I find helpful to make it manageable.
The more my body learns to turn off the fight/flight/freeze response the easier it is the next time I am triggered.
However, I still have things that will trigger me, and possibly always will. And it may take, as in my case many years to reach a place where the reaction doesn't last as long or is as intense.
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It is about "time" and healing . The triggers do soften and loose the extreme hurt and some totally disappear . That has been my experience. But it has indeed taken a very long time, EMDR and purposefully learning how to deal with them. I had an "extreme case of the triggers" and never believed I would recover ..ever. Now I do know "where" the triggers are, can see them coming and prepare myself in some ways. It is a very painful experience to be triggered so badly it takes your breathe away and you are simply at the mercy of horrible emotional reactivity.
I still have triggers, sometimes brand new triggers . But many of the older ones are gone now . So there is hope and relief down the road as long as you continue to learn about where your triggers are, what are they related to and how to manage yourself . Some of the triggers I experienced were from my own childhood wounds of abandonment and rejection ...unrelated to his MLC. His behaviour broke open my own wounds and put me into an absolute crisis of my own. There is much work to do to manage triggers . I still wrestled with 2 deep triggers and it has been 5 years . That is how deep we are wounded.
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Some of the triggers I experienced were from my own childhood wounds of abandonment and rejection ...unrelated to his MLC
Mine too. I was rather surprised when those were identified.
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Yes the triggers subside over time. I am 4+ years now. Obviously they were bad in the beginning and then they fade away with time.
I have developed new ones and I will get hit once in awhile still. I actually feel it and I can recognize it as its happening. I tell myself I'm not going back down that road and it usually works.
I talk myself off the trigger ledge when it happens. Unfortunately I have a lot of specific things that can trigger me and they are all crisis related I believe as I learned way too much about her behavior. It can be a challenge at times but doesn't even compare to how bad it was for me years ago. Life does get better.
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Yes, they do.
And when a trigger catches you by surprise, you notice that your reaction is smaller and quicker.
Takes time as Watcher says. But yes, they do
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I'm right there with you. I work in a library, and it's surprising how many books and movies feature the word mistress or affair! Brain spotting has helped lesson my triggers. I can now listen to songs that I couldn't a year ago. In this case time is definitely a healer.
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One Day, I looked at the dates of BD for you. This is still very fresh. You have just been through so much.
I urge you to find a therapist who specializes in trauma recovery. Keep looking until you find the right person. Depending on where you live I suggest you consider someone who can work with a variety of modalities, including somatic healing, acupuncture, etc. A good therapist is amazing but you also need someone who can help you through the subconscious/energetic impact of this shocking and traumatic event.
Don’t blame yourself if you are triggered. The fact that you are so self aware is very helpful.
Even without a lot of time passing, I believe that by insulating yourself, doing whatever it takes to avoid additional traumas (even if this means going low/no contact), and focusing on your own financial, emotional, and physical safety, AND finding the right healing support, you can overcome these triggers in a way that feels good and natural.
I have mentioned many times. I think the number one advice on this forum should be treatment of the LBS for acute trauma. It is really important to find someone to support you this way.
And yes, eventually you will see the entire story unfold and the meanings of many of these things will change. Be patient with yourself and give yourself all the days, months, and years you need.
Big hugs.💛
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I dont know if the triggers ever go away but they do soften. I dont even have to Change to Radio Station anymore when one of XWs Songs Comes on (Songs she used to sing in our band). I just think "Hmm, shame" and get on with it.
I used to drive around town $h!te scared that a Little Black BMWZ4 would Pop up (OMs old car) and I would loose it but it does soften.
Stay strong one day, you are getting stronger every day and that is something to be proud of.
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When I first discovered what was happening I was literally in fetal position.
Little by little I started to feel normal. H and I are reconciling and you would think it would make it better....but honestly it is so hard I think can I do this....not that I would change it. I am happy we are working through all this but the triggers are really tough.
But it has been 2 years and 7 months and 9 days since I found out....and it is still hard.
A friend who is divorced and had a really upsetting break up told me it is like this....
The ocean is churning and the waves are big and they are coming one after another. They knock you down and some come so closely to the last wave you can't catch your breath. You are very weak in the beginning. But as time goes on there are still waves, but they come fewer and farther apart and they lose their power and you get stronger. One day even if a wave comes, it won't knock you over, you will just stand there and watch it crash on the shore.....it will get easier. That metaphor really helped me visualize it!
Hope it helps someone else too!
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One....for me they are getting better.
Just recently I had a stint of time where triggers were hitting me hard. They are much much much better now.
They are better because I took action. At first I was pushing them down. Ignoring them. Running from them! (Sound familiar)
Once I decided to face them, they no longer had as much control over me. They have lessoned and each time they resurface....I deal with what I have to deal with in the moment and at home later I face it and try to figure out the why did it happen and what am I avoiding to bring it on. I face it. I accept it and put it to bed.
It isn't all happening at once. I have to readdress and each time I do...I find another little piece that is chipped away and dealt with.
I hope you find what is the best way for you to deal with them and help put them to rest or at least tamp them down so they don't interfere with your life!
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The triggers do lessen and abate. I am nearly 9 years into this and I can drive past my xH's office without having a panic attack seeing his name on the sign outside. I no longer try to catch a glimpse of him. I haven't seen him in 3 years. The ONLY thing that still angers me is seeing bumper stickers for the gym where xH met his OW. I still have to quell my desire to go and rip them off the cars. Other than that, I'm feeling much better now. ;D
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I’m looking forward to no triggers - but I think that comes with detachment. Work on detachment and then hopefully the triggers will lessen.
Mlcer video called my daughter and he had one of his friends over who I got along with. He knew about mlcer leaving me for the OW. It really upset me seeing him. I don’t blame him for not telling me but seeing him took me back to the time a few days before mlcer told me he was moving back to our home country and that he definitely wanted a divorce.