Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: AlvinTheMaker on September 26, 2019, 06:42:43 AM
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Just curious....How do other LBS work through their thoughts/emotions/feelings? I'm sure there are many ways to skin the cat.
Here's how it usually works for me
1. I allow thoughts/emotions/feelings take over
This can get pretty wet and noisy, LoL.
2. I write them down
3. I switch language (as writing/thinking in non-native language is scientifically proven to make thinking more rationale)
4. And then I add mindful thinking and REBT to what I have on the table.Sometimes making me realize how illogical or wrong my feeling/thinking/percreption was, sometimes taking me to all new paths (going back to step 1), sometimes just validating what I had.
5. When feeling totally done & dusted, I just let it be for a while. Then I read what I have and let it stew.
I know it sounds complex, but it works for me.
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I go for a long run.
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MB, I was just going to say...a long walk. :)
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How could I forget walking, lol.
Long walks are part of stage-1 for me. I think Nike/Adidas should sponsor each LBS as we are such great consumers (another 15k+ steps day for me). I think I wear out a pair every two months, sigh.
Also good night's sleep does wonders for me in post-processing. Another omission from my list.
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I do a couple things.
1) just sit with the feeling
2) dissect it, figure out if it’s more than one thing or several
3) journal it
4) if it’s more than one thing I let each emotion have time and feel each one.
5) EFT, or walking, or grieving or prayer if it’s a big emotion that I can’t seem to let go of
6) figuring out if the foundational belief that is creating that feeling is correct or needs amending
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At the beginning of my LBS journey, I would put my thoughts and feelings in my ‘hand’, examine them very carefully for a long time, dissect them, and do it all over again.
I talked about this with my counselor. He gave me one of the best advices which I continue to practice.
I’m paraphrasing his words:
‘Don’t over-think it. Just live.’
I guess that is not for everyone, however, it was perfect for me.
I stopped overthinking.
I shared this little gem with H when he was dissecting so many aspects of his life - his childhood, FOO, you name it. He admitted that he felt like he was let out of the prison of his own thoughts once he learned to release them from his ‘hand’ without turning them over and and over again and dissecting each thing to its last cell.
‘Life is short. Don’t sweat it too much’ is my motto.
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‘Don’t over-think it. Just live.’
I like it. Savy said something similar about LBS overthinking in her thread. Nothing wrong with it, but, a point comes when just live seems the better option.
What do I do? Less and less. I know they will pass.
When Mr J left I had my own MLC. I was doing all the "wrong" things.
Then it become long walks, staring at the stars. Now that still exists, but it is mostly for joy and, in the case of walking, some thinking that it is often not feelings connected.
I paint. Painting is great for inner peace. I went back to read a lot. Those things don't necessarily have to do with processiong feelings. They are more a sign that inner peace exists as well as concentration being back.
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Anjae,
What I like most about what both you and Acorn said is that for both of you, regardless of wether or not your MLCer came back or not....you just lived your authentic self.
No fake happiness, no fluffy bunnies prancing through a meadow.
Just felt how you felt, and the things that you used to do for the purpose of healing just became part of you, something that fed your soul.
I think that’s kind of what I see over and over here, first shock, then introspection, then sorting the chaff from the wheat so to speak in reguards to thought processes, actions and emotions, then GAL or finding the things that feed your soul....and just being you....with or without a spouse. You have made yourself into a person that you like, are in touch with, love, honor and respect. So the rest of it doesn’t matter so much.
It really seems to be the key to everything, relationships, parenting, work, life it’self.
Find you and be you.
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No fake happiness, no fluffy bunnies prancing through a meadow.
None. Fake and I don't tend to go together. I think it is the same with Acorn.
For me, it was not always happiness and there were never any flully bunnies prancing through a meadow. If only ... there was darkness, there were really painful times.
Just felt how you felt, and the things that you used to do for the purpose of healing just became part of you, something that fed your soul.
Indeed. I like the idea of things that feed our soul. In fact, really, really like it. :)
...and just being you....with or without a spouse.
This is very imporant and something LBS should consider. When they are ready, of course. Being ourselves with, or without, spouse is all we have.
You have made yourself into a person that you like, are in touch with, love, honor and respect. So the rest of it doesn’t matter so much.
True, the rest doen't matter so much.
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Yes, many ways to skin a cat.. For me, I try not to dwell on the emotion, I'm aware of it but keep on living, maybe a Zumba class to get my endorphins going or spend time with friends. If the emotion is strong enough, it builds over a few days so I know I need to take some time out to process it. I don't tend to talk about it with anyone like friends or family as I prefer to process alone to understand how I feel rather than being influenced by others' thoughts and emotions.
Eventually I come to a place of peace, probably stronger than before and move an inch forward in my overall healing process. As Acorn says, I think sometimes we can get a bit stuck overthinking everything and ruminating, specially in the early days. But as we move forward it's important to pay attention to our emotions without letting them drive us.
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How I work through my thoughts and emotions:
I write them here and if I’m lucky, I get feedback and that helps me tremendously.
I read them here. I see so much of my own feelings expressed by members past and present who have struggled with all this too. It helps me to read how others say their feelings. Partly because I think I get swamped by my own language. There are so many good voices here.
I journal offline. Books and books and books of it.
I pray a lot. Often in my written journals. Sometimes out loud. Sometimes pretty loudly.
Occasionally I rail at h when I am driving. I get going and I will just yell ALL the truth at him, all the way home. He isn’t there at all of course and unless he bugged my car or phone, he never hears any of it. Except I’ll tell you something: sometimes he makes contact right after I’ve gone off like that. As if he heard every single word. It’s pretty weird when that happens. But, it also never really changes anything. He’s still gone, and still with ow2. The only change really is that I feel better for having expressed all my truth out loud. And like I said, sometimes very loudly.
And man, I cry a lot. Then rest, and see what clarity comes after that tearful release.
I pay attention to my nightly dreaming. That’s sometimes where I gain the most clarity and understanding. Also a significant reason I journal.
Occasionally I get really tired of my own words and verbal thinking. When that happens, I might turn all channels off and just set to an empty page and make art instead, or go somewhere and take many photos of what I see. I wish I had the talent and discipline to do it every day instead of journaling. Sometimes a picture really is worth 1000 words.
The art part might be escapism, or re-routing to a different path in life. I like it best, though.
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How I work through my thoughts and emotions:
I write them here and if I’m lucky, I get feedback and that helps me tremendously.
I read them here. I see so much of my own feelings expressed by members past and present who have struggled with all this too. It helps me to read how others say their feelings. Partly because I think I get swamped by my own language. There are so many good voices here.
Good one terra!