Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: Marchingforward on October 08, 2019, 04:37:12 AM
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I’m rather new to this forum but have been doing tons of reading about MLC. I did post a thread to my story last week.
My question is this: my MLC wants to “know what you are thinking and feeling. What’s going on in your head.” He said that to me the other day. I have read multiple times that relationships talks should be avoided. I’m not sure where he is in his MLC. I thought maybe at the end of the tunnel bc he came back home a few months ago and it was as if my old husband was back. Then he retreated after a few months. He’s back in his apartment and somewhat avoiding me. (Pretty sure he’s a clinging boomerang). I would add that I did my best not to pressure him when he was back, and I think I did a good job.
So, is it wise to share my feelings with him? Not in the context of the relationship though. Just something like “I am feeling a little sad and confused.” I don’t want to be dishonest and say “everything is great.” He is pushing me to share bc he knows everything is not great. Although I’m doing my life. Hanging out with friends, planning trips, having as much happiness as I can on this crazy rollercoaster.
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Fwiw...just because he wants you to do so does not mean that you have to. Or even that you should. Or that you have to do anything at all right now if he has only said it once or twice. Or that you have to do anything if you don't yet feel you know what you want to do.
Newsflash...just bc his universe is all about what he wants does not mean that yours has to be :)
Has he given a reason why he wants you to do so?
Does he act like someone who values or respects your thoughts and feelings right now?
Do YOU want to is a more useful question probably given the current situation? If so, to what end? If not, why not?
There is a place between complete honesty and not being dishonest imho. We choose it every day in our interactions with others who say ask 'how are you?' What we offer is usually more about how safe and appropriate it feels to respond in a particular way.
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Surviving,
My H wants this too. It isn’t a relationship talk per say.....it would be the anxiety talking.
It’s the seed of the thought that you and them are not the same person and perhaps they have been making assumptions about you.
Sometimes the answer is, “I was thinking I need to transfer the laundry.”
It’s also in my H’s case because there is a face....in child abusers that many children associate with abuse, the face is disgust....which is slightly similar to a thinking face. Hence when I’m thinking H is sure that all sorts of awful calamitous horrific thoughts about him are swirling in my head....sometimes I’m thinking about laundry.
Also with anxiety, you can say it a million times and people struggle to believe......nobody is really thinking about you as much as you think they are. Sometimes asking and discovering that no....you really aren’t just sitting around thinking terrible thoughts about them helps to demonstrate that.
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He has not given me a reason. The question about does he respect my thoughts and feelings is hard to answer. I think at times he does. It’s like his old self pops up every once’s in a while that man does. There’s this other man I don’t really know that is hit or miss on respecting my feelings/thoughts.
I don’t know what I want to do. I’d like to share with him and at the same time, not if he is unsafe for me. He’s asked a few times. Maybe I can just flip it back on him....
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Surviving,
My H wants this too. It isn’t a relationship talk per say.....it would be the anxiety talking.
It’s the seed of the thought that you and them are not the same person and perhaps they have been making assumptions about you.
Sometimes the answer is, “I was thinking I need to transfer the laundry.”
It’s also in my H’s case because there is a face....in child abusers that many children associate with abuse, the face is disgust....which is slightly similar to a thinking face. Hence when I’m thinking H is sure that all sorts of awful calamitous horrific thoughts about him are swirling in my head....sometimes I’m thinking about laundry.
Also with anxiety, you can say it a million times and people struggle to believe......nobody is really thinking about you as much as you think they are. Sometimes asking and discovering that no....you really aren’t just sitting around thinking terrible thoughts about them helps to demonstrate that.
Wow! Thank you for this insight. My h is very anxious. This makes a lot of sense to me. Thank you !
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Surviving,
Another thing, when I get this question....especially as I work on me...is that I just answer honestly.
My answer the other day was: “I was thinking when you said you knew I respected you and believed in you, but that you wanted that from other people, and it made me jealous. So I’m trying to figure out why you saying that makes me feel jealous.” (Turns out it was my shame messages....again)
It’s honest, it’s not about the relationship. If you are comfortable sharing or talking about it and it isn’t pushing, manipulating or obligating blaming or shaming then say what you think if you want too.
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Hmm this hasn't happened often...but when it has happened...well
I just tell the truth as calmly and without emotion as I can. A few times I got a little teary eyed, but I managed to say it without rage or blame or venom...and it was received well. Other times I will say it with humour to try and mask the pain of it. But that is just a me thing.
I think when they ask these things it is because they are in a clear spot, where they know their own bull$h!te is just that...and they are just looking for answers. Trying to see the piece they are missing.