Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: Couragedearheart on November 13, 2019, 11:03:04 AM
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What was the thought that prompted you personally to get out of the monkeybraining and into your own healing.
I know we cycle so if you had more than one list as many as you can remember.
Might be a nice reference when we fall into this cycle or ruminations.
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For me personally the first was:
1) I’ll be D&mned if I let a person in a mental health crisis have control over my feelings.
2) I have s15 who relies on me to make rational decisions and I can’t do that if I’m emotional.
3) There was this girl H met 14 years ago and he fell in love with her....in part because she wasn’t a crazy cycling, tearful snot covered helpless mess.
4) if there’s even a chance he might leave I must now have a plan B (which became my salvation was letting go of every thought that kept me cycling and prevented me from making my own plan B)
5) I want my dignity back.
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1. I am a separate human being. What another person does is NOT a reflection of me. It truly is NOT about me .
2. I am not alone in this . It is happening in epidemic proportions. I have people who understand me
3. I have people that depend on me . I need to be responsible to my roles
4. I have 5 daughters that are watching me ...I can survive this.
5. I understand selfcare like never before and its importance in my life
6. It is not possible in any realistic or logical way that a OW can fix what is broken in him .
7. I want to know at the end of the day , that I am damn PROUD of me.
8. I do not have to participate in every fight, argument etc that I am invited to . I can choose to decline.
9. I am strong , I am able and I understand that my "little girl" wounds need care. Not all this pain belongs to him.
10. Helping others thru this rough times is rewarding in ways I never imagined. I like what I have learned from this.
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Interesting........
For me:
This isn't about me, it's all about her.
Her choices are not my choices and not a reflection of me or my worth.
Only a fool would throw me away.
I am alone, but I am never alone.
-SS
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Barbie,
Thank you for sharing.
Wow.....I needed to read some of those.
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I will never be defined by my husband’s mlc.
I am a good person.
The only thing I have control over is myself.
Don’t spend time worrying over the future, nothing is written in stone and the future is yours to create.
I am not perfect but I am perfectly capable of taking control of me.
It can only affect you if you allow it to.
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Interesting topic, Courage. It forces me to fess up my go-to mantras that pushed me to march forward.
‘He will do what he will do, O well and good luck.’
‘I have only one life to live and I won’t let H and his stupid crisis waste one more day of it.’
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SS,
I admire your self confidence “only a fool would throw me away”
S&A,
“I am perfectly capable of taking control of me”
I really love this one.
Acorn,
🤣🤣🤣
Stupid crisis.
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Without a doubt realizing that I was the prize all along and he wasn't man enough to appreciate and a value me as I deserved and also accepting that I didn't cause his careless and cowardly behavior, but that I was still responsible for healing myself from his bull$h!te.
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When I realized my D who was 16 at the time was losing all respect for me. I started to see myself from her view and knew I needed to pull myself together and get my self respect back. This is the thing I am most proud of today. I think she is too.
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Mine was 'this is not who I am' (which included both remembering who i was and that WIW was not my creation )
Oh, and 'x is dead' (because you can't contact a dead person lol...and it made me deal with reality which was pretty similar to what I would have been doing or feeling if he had suddenly died ::)...dark but practical!)
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I didn't break him, I can't fix him. Thank Goodness he moved out, now I can take care of the rest of us.
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1. Where ever he was, whoever he was with, whatever he was doing did not matter because the answer was always ''He is not here with his family''.
2. It isn't and was never about me, the kids, or our marriage.
3. ''Because he is nuts''...this applies to any question like ''Why did he x, y, z''
4. You should never have to chase or beg for love.
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1. Where ever he was, whoever he was with, whatever he was doing did not matter because the answer was always ''He is not here with his family''.
2. It isn't and was never about me, the kids, or our marriage.
3. ''Because he is nuts''...this applies to any question like ''Why did he x, y, z''
4. You should never have to chase or beg for love.
Yes, all of this. Love should never have to be chased. And broken is broken, until someone decides it needs to be fixed.
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1) (Looking in the mirror) "How long do you intend to go tilting at Windmills?" (Chasing xW)
2) (Looking at my kids) "Someone has to be the stable parent and that someone is me."
3) (Looking at xW) - "I didn't cause this, it is NOT my responsibility to fix it but it IS my responsibility to fix ME."
4) (Looking at the tornado damage) - "I deserve better than to be tossed aside like a week old fish"
5) (In discussions with IC) "I am responsible for my own healing and my own life. Nothing more and nothing less. I deserve to be loved for who I am and what I have to offer. If xW can't see what she had in me, there is nothing I can do about that. Someone else will see it and, if not, I know it and am happy in my own right."
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For me:
- I have a 7 yr old son to look after and raise. His father turned his world upside down so I’m going to make his world as safe and predictable as possible. (He’s almost 14 now and I’m still the steady one)
- I cannot function in the career I have worked so hard for. I need to get myself together so I can continue helping others in the way my job and clients need me to.
- I’m rational and he’s not. There will be no true answers until he sees there’s a problem.
- I have made it through tough times in my past. This one may be the hardest but I’ll make it through this time as well.
- I’m worthy of love and understanding and acceptance. If he can’t give me those basic needs, then I don’t want him.
- It feels like this now, but it won’t feel like this forever.
- The more I show my strength, the crazier he gets. Keep it classy at ALL times Duthla. He will be judged by his family and friends without any needed input from me.
- The other woman? She’s got nothing on me. I’m smarter, more personable and have WAY more to bring to the table. Her weakness is exactly what xH wanted. THIS LEAD TO.......
- I’m too much strong woman for xH. If you can’t stand my shine then step out of my LIGHT!
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For me it was "Let go, and let God"...
I can't control any of this, and His plan is superior to my own devices.
Sea
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I figured MLC lasts a long time so I might as well do something worthwhile with my time and my life while my wife is gone, especially things that I might not have time to do if my wife were with me.