Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: Limboland2018 on December 26, 2019, 09:38:37 PM
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Dear friends
As we draw towards the end of the year I would be very interested to hear other people’s stories of how they have moved forward in their journey and forged their own lives sans mlcer. Often we don’t see how far we’ve come until we have a measuring point as we often only take baby steps which make up a giant leap.
I compare myself to where I was last year. I’d just found out about the OW, mlcer told me he wanted a divorce and was moving back to our home country. Oh and then I found out about his engagement to the OW in January! What a fun start to 2019. However I decided to stay in Asia, found an apartment, got back into the workforce after 12 years of being a trailing spouse, put a dog down, took care of a child who is growing up to be a kind and caring little girl. I gave mlcer another chance but he seems to have thrown it back it my face by having minimal contact ever since he got out of his depression clinic and sees his woman as he is “lonely” but also spent xmas day with her. I am now filing for divorce as I can’t handle the disrespect leveled at me.
Emotionally, I have anxiety which I’m working on. I’m scared about the future but I just need to trust in god and the universe that I will be ok and am on a path that will be the right one for me and my daughter. I take solace in how I’ve managed so far and moved forward. I’m still dealing with the betrayal but this time next year I hope to have dealt with a lot of my anxiety and have full time work.
So please share your stories on moving forward. I’d love to hear. This will hopefully give hope to other lbs’ that life can still be great and wonderful!
Lots of love limbo
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It's a bit embarrassing but I haven't moved forward much. I quit my day-to-day job to freelance which is way less stressful but boring so I'll probably look for a new job in another city during the Spring. I still live with my folks and am not dating anyone though I really want to. I just can't seem to put myself out there. Like you, I still deal with anxiety even though BD was over two years ago but it's nowhere near as bad. I remember I couldn't even drive or go to the grocery store without bursting out crying randomly before. Sometimes out of nowhere, it felt like I couldn't breathe and I thought I was having a heart attack. Anti-anxiety meds helped a lot. Thank God that's over! I'm much better emotionally for sure. I can watch TV shows with interest. I spent the whole of yesterday watching The Witcher. I find true joy in things now when before it was hard to feel anything but crushing despair and I just laughed to make others comfortable. Here's hoping 2020 leads us to bigger and better things. I'm sure you and your daughter will be fine. Your strong and not letting your H and his problems drag you down.
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Penelope
I think you have moved forward. Goodness I haven’t been able to watch tv for two years. Something so simple and enjoyable became unbearable. I think you are heading in the right direction. As mentioned those small steps become a giant leap when we add it all up. I would love to meet someone too (even if not serious) but I don’t think I’m ready as yet. To be honest I’m ok being single and sounds like you are ok too. Don’t worry about bursting into tears - I did that today walking with my daughter. I had glasses on so she didn’t see. These small steps suddenly become bigger and hopefully we can all heal from the abandonment.
You are doing great Penelope.
Love limbo
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Hi Limbo. Moving forward for me happened in small increments. It was not easy but I was determined to live my life. To be happy! To make the most of what I was given.
I started small. Meeting friends at a restaurant. Eventually I got to the point where I went on my own and really enjoyed it. Going to the movies. Same things. Meeting someone then going on my own. Do you know how nice it is to NOT have to compromise on a movie....put as much butter as you want on your popcorn and NOT have to share it with anyone. It is really nice.
I realized GALing was not just getting out....it was doing for me what I wanted when I wanted. I learned to say NO to people when I needed me time. I would sometimes clean the house because it made me feel better. I organized things so it benefitted me. I painted my bedroom and got new and more colorful bedding. I would read when I wanted to read. I walked and used this time to chill out. I listen to music or podcasts. I gave up TV time and chose other things in its place.
I discovered the game of pickleball and I am addicted to playing it.
I learned to concentrate on me.
As for anxiety and panic attacks. I had them. You do learn to control them and I am making them a thing of the past. For me it was figuring them out and addressing them vs trying to push them down. At first it was pushing down, then I realized I NEED to deal with whatever is causing them. So I learned to face them. To face me. To face fears. Then I learned how to deal with them. Talking them out with an LBS friend(s) or spouting off here in my journal helped too. Sometime I discovered so many things while journaling. I learned to deal with them and put them in the proper place in my life....not to avoid them.
In a way, we need to be the opposite of our MLCers. They are running. We need to face things...no matter how hard and how scarey….face them and use them to make us better. That is my take on things.
Where was I at BD?
I was 130 overweight with terrible habits.
Declining health and an I don't care attitude towards myself. I would do for my family and friends to my detriment.
I was walking on eggshells because H was heading down a rabbit hole and I was so blind to him because of my own issues that I never saw it coming.
I had lost all self confidence.
I was weak but I didn't recognize it.
I was needy and pathetic.
Where am I now?
I am happy.
I am full of life.
I am positive. I am vibrant.
I am happy for others.
I am focused on my but I still recognize the needs of others.
I now given joyfully when I want to and I have learned it is good for me to sometimes say no.
I no longer do out of obligation but because I fully give my heart to it.
I am now only 40 pounds overweight and I am trying to loose it too.
I am more active and no longer a couch potato.
I continue to have health issues but they are now under control and I am proactive in dealing with them in order to have a long fulfilling life.
Eggshells....I'll stomp them to smitherines. I don't care if I make H uncomfortable. If he is gonna come around...he is gonna see the real true me. Take it or leave it. This is the me that I was before I lost myself. He liked the true me 30 years ago....come and see her again.
I am more alert to others and I no longer am affected when they are miserable. I didn't cause it. I can have empathy without needing to fix them. They have to do it themselves.
I am confident.
I can tackle things and I do.
I am strong.
I am caring.
I have survived and I am thriving in life. No matter what!
Hope this helps!
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Sam I am
Wow I love how far you’ve come along. Your positivity in all of this is amazing. It sounds like this experience has improved - you. Your thoughts on confronting fears rings true to me. As you mentioned, the mlcer just runs away while we have to confront. I think that is what I am doing now - confronting my final fears and my anxiety is huge. I am having to initiate the divorce proceedings and I am scared because it is the final nail in the coffin but I have to do it or else I will cling to hope and I just want to move on. He’s not worthy of my love anymore. He’s more loyal to his woman rather than his daughter and I. It’s taken me a while to realise this.
But anyway, the small steps just add up don’t they! I remember in the beginning everyone saying just take small steps and it’s true. It sounds like you have become your own person and are putting your needs first which is the most important thing. I love it. Thank you for sharing your journey. I don’t know you but I am very proud of your achievements in nurturing and taking care of yourself. Happy nye.