Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: Acorn on February 21, 2020, 08:26:47 AM
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What do you think are the characteristics of a person who has finished his MLC journey?
Spiritual life, attitudes, actions, relationships, life philosophies, etc. Add whatever areas you think are relevant in your posts.
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Calm. Mellow. Regretful.
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At peace.. total, real, peace.
-SS
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Responsible/accountable for their action and pain:destruction they caused, greater self-awareness, honest, able to apologize in word and deed, Return to recognition of values, integrity, respect, mature, Peter Pan behaviors gone
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Probably not unlike a recovered LBS?
Humility, gratitude, a bit of residual pop-up pain and the odd moment of disbelief at what happened to their life?
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Emotional coherence, comfort with reality, full empathy for others, not reliant on anyone else for wellness and happiness, choosing people they want to have relationships with rather than needing to or compelled to.
And truly and calmly happy.
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And I will be the "odd-lady out". I cannot name what would be the ending states of mind or emotions really. Of course what you have all listed would be positive and welcomed , but what I see ( in my case only) is that there will not really be an "ending". That sounds scary . It will be a never ending state of change , maturing, thinking differently, evolving emotionally , examining self, awareness ...and oh so much more. The only thing I see as an ending to MLC is that there is no more running. That there is a willingness to stop, stand still ...look in the inner mirror and changing those things. If a man stops running from himself, stop blaming externally and be willing to face who he actually is ...that , to me , represents the end of the actual crisis. There are still years of work to clean-up or "do" to become your true self.
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What I'm finding is that I've gone back to wanting a lot of the same things I wanted before. I feel more like myself now instead of feeling like I'm somebody else. Also, now I have a better understanding and acceptance of all of my parts which makes it possible for me to be better at meeting my own needs instead of needing somebody else to meet those needs for me. I also feel more settled now and I've put my fear of death behind me. I think the empty spot inside me may be gone now. But I'm not sure that I'm completely finished so there could be more changes to come.
And I really miss my wife. :'(
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Barbie, I pretty much agree with all you said.
Especially this: There are still years of work to clean-up or "do" to become your true self.
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There is so much resonance in barbie’s assessment - at least as it pertains to my dad’s MLC - it was a full 8 years, more like 8.5-9 of running behaviors, followed by another eight years of assessing, integrating, acknowledging his faults, etc - he still struggled with selfishness throughout his life, but he became calm, funny, humble, self-deprecating and back to his Irish storytelling charming self who was genuine and not looking for validation with his charm... just a sample of one with my dad but it echo’s barbies current experience
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It will be a never ending state of change , maturing, thinking differently, evolving emotionally , examining self, awareness ...and oh so much more.
I think I see the above as an apt description of a person who is emotionally mature and busy learning lessons of life and gaining wisdom. In other words, a person who is done with flailing around in crisis and enthusiastically grabbing precious gift of life with both hands.
I believe the quote also describes what it means to be a LBSC graduate and living each day meaningfully and maturely, without waiting for someone else to change his/her circumstances or state of being.
Barbie, I think you inadvertently gave us a check list for what we, the LBSs, should aim. It is, in essence, the description of ‘un-stuck-ness.’ Thank you.
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I want to add that I am much more comfortable now with rejection and with the possibility of rejection. I think I spent most of my life trying to get people to like me in order to compensate for my perception that my mother didn't like me. I no longer feel like I need to worry about whether or not I am liked by others because I've learned to like myself.
I think I've also seen signs of this in my wife's crisis. My wife's sister told me that my wife told her about one year before BD that she couldn't imagine how she would survive if she ever lost me. I think she resolved her fear of being rejected by me by rejecting me first.
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Hmmmm.....
"What do you think are the characteristics of a person who has finished his MLC journey? "
I think the real question you are asking is "at what point can you accept a person back into your life and say all is well?" Because it is like there is no law in universe that says MLCr must have/do this-and-this in order to have reached an end.That moment is entirely about our perception, of how we define it.
For me there is simple response when I could say so..when W has reached mental stability and is addressing desire to get back together to build a love based relationship. The last one is purely optional and from my LBS perspective.
Anything else would be just adding extra hurdles for W and marriage/relationship to pass. It is not as if life or relationship should magically turn easy for MLC to end. That is just a preference, reality is often times something else.
Alvin.
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To me, the characteristics of a person who has finished their MLC journey would be different for each person who had the journey. While the script along the journey appears similar, and maybe many MLCers had similar traits, each was triggered by something we may never know that may or may not be dependent on some kind of previous trauma. If this is truly an identity crisis, the resulting identity will look different for each person. Some may end up more self concerned than before and it may not be a bad thing.
The only thing I can see that might end up across the board of MLCers is a contentment with the discovery of what they have finally become, an acceptance that this is who they are, and even if it isn't perfect, it's ok to not be perfect, it's ok to make mistakes and seek forgiveness, and it's ok if someone chooses not to forgive them for their errors. That who they are is enough as long as they do the best they can, learn from their mistakes, and seek to be the best them they can be moving forward.
It always feels to me like an MLCer is trying to fit themselves into a life, then proclaim "This who I am!! You have to accept it." like a petulant teenager following what the media says he/she is supposed to be, instead of discovering who they really are. Like they missed some stage in growing up. Who could be content being someone other than who they are? JMO.
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Who could be content being someone other than who they are? JMO.
Yes but what if you don't know who you are because you weren't allowed to be that person?