Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: Keep believing on March 30, 2020, 02:33:31 AM
-
Nothing has changed with mine. No asking how we are doing , nothing. I do know mine thinks this COVID 19 is all blown out of proportion . He thinks it is no big deal. Its like the flu. He always thinks his opinion is right. Every one else is wrong. He is not worried at all. Heard this from my d 28.
-
Well that’s a defence, so not worth taking too much notice. Unless they are very very dense. this strange time, especially with so much enforced quiet time which means we have to sit with our thoughts, means that every one of us has some kind of reckoning with our decisions.
Making light of it is a way of keeping those thoughts away, either for Real or for impression management.
-
Yes I agree with Nerissa--MLCers are avoiders first and foremost. And not acknowledging the pandemic is yet another way to avoid. Mine wasn't too concerned either. And only asked about S and me the first few days after I conveyed my dismay over him not even asking about S during this crisis. So, it was likely just to appease me. But that is all over now. Back to his old MLC self(ish) now.
He was playing video games with S last week. But I realized that was only during business hours--he snuck away form his work to play with S. Never comes here after hours or on weekends. And he parks his car hidden away on the street so not to be detected. At first I though he might be trying to reconnect with S. But I realized it was him taking advantage of the fact S was home during business hours so he could see him and not get caught by OW.
-
No change in mine - actually even more distant.
Checked in to see if S was practicing music, but never asked how either of us is doing.
That being said, My S25 said that H did ask him about S18.
-
Yes, but I’m not sure it’s just the pandemic.
He has been trying to come closer for a while now. It’s not all coming out of thin air.
I was asking everyone how they were doing. Checking in. And I felt I wanted to ask him as well.
Since then we have been sending emails to each other. He seems caring, asks questions and he clearly wants me know some of the nice things he is doing for his family.
He also hinted he has been sitting inside a lot the last few years.
He is not being pathetic or Monster.
That’s it.
It’s nice, but don’t know what it means. And I am just taking it as it comes.
Tonight it’s two years ago since he slept with ow for the first time.
No idea about their current relationship. Hope to not care about it.
Trying to do so by thinking that time doesn’t come back and it’s nothing more then the same number of day and month, which we invented.
Today and tonight are totally new, it has nothing to do with the past. That’s just in my mind.
Stay safe
-
Mine is a hot mess. He asked me to stop over and sign his absentee ballot this morning: he was near tears the entire time. Worried about his mother who is very ill as well as his daughter who is immunocompromised. Also this whole John Prine and Joe Diffie has him really upset. He said "Joe wasn't much older than I am." I mean, he really isn't doing well. He looks terrible. It's honestly hard not for me to call him and see how he is doing right now, but I know that's not what he needs. He needs to work through this. As much as I want to be there for him, that doesn't seem to be the way MLC rolls...
He's also really, really social and his job is his OW. We are on a shelter at home order, and while he can sort of work because he owns his own business, his "fame" in the industry is taking a hit because he can't travel all over the US like he could before. He's also not hanging out with his friends either so there's that too.
-
No change with mine. Has not asked how we are. He feels if I get it everything will be fine because I am only 51 ::)
-
No change in mine. He does ask S15 how we are, but that is probably so he can refer this information to the people who ask him. My H is as distant and mean as ever. Threatening to sue me again. Lawyer's letter arrived 2 weeks ago when we were already in lock down and I was trying to get my D22 back home with hardly any flights available. So H is not thinking about the end of the world. Actually, when the crisis exploded here where we are, H told S that it was all over blown and it was just a regular flu. I suspect H was just repeating the jargon he was fed. My H has no personality any more, just repeats phrases he thinks are cool. He might have changed his mind at this point, but I don't know.
-
Yes. Mine is contacting more often. Probably because we got sick, but even in the weeks before my S15 and I both had noticed a slight change - he came to a dr’s apt, was very chatty, wanted to keep talking as we were leaving. The pandemic has made him check in regularly. I have heard from his mom and a SIL. Shortly after BD he had informed them all that they were to have no contact with me what so ever - so it’s been nice to have them reach out. MIL sent the boys a package and a note for me too. MLCer has asked after us several times a week and he has asked the boys how I am doing on the phone - that is very different for him.
I do think he has more time to think. Which is good. And he has been in monster so long, I have to admit that seeing his kinder side has been a relief. Much more pleasant to be around. I have zero expectations, but for me, I know he is worried about the pandemic and is taking it seriously...
-
Mine has shown a bit more contact with my D23 and me (last week). Just asking both of us if everything is ok. My daughter answers him, but not me (I’m been attempting no contact🤦🏼♀️). I’ve posted on other link that I also think all this “safer at home” rule has him in “more feels” about stuff; because he has more alone time to think about things and not be able to “run” the streets with the OW. With the newer extended 30 day safer at home rule applied now; I’m wondering how he will respond now🤔
-
Mine brought a load of groceries when he came here. I gave him dog treats (left over from when we still had custody of the family dog.)
I just typed that and realized what a sick, despicable POS he really was/is.
-
Mine has been reaching out every few weeks since January. Stupid stuff... the McDonald’s employee didn’t wash his hands... a copy of a paper he got from work... and then when I told him last week that I was off until the further notice he sent a thumbs up. Then today, he asked how we are holding up. We actually had a 5 minute conversation. That has not happened in 3 years. I was shocked when he apologized about me not working.
-
OneHot, sounds like your H is snailing closer. Interesting.
-
Mine H text me a few hours after my last post telling me about he messaged our D18 and how he misses her etc etc. He mentioned he had been looking at a photo of him and I (eating donuts😂) and that he just kept staring at it. He said he’s been kinda lonely (which I guessed already due to staying at his home more now). Boy dealing with someone in MLC is difficult.
-
Haven't heard from MLCer for almost 6 months now, the pandemic hasn't changed anything except that he is still unemployed, probably depressed / declining mental health and haven't paid his rent because his agent kept copying me on every email trying to chase it down. I sincerely hope he's doing okay and seeking help he needs.
-
Even though my husband has return from his trip to la la land, I still consider him very much a MLC'er. Shockingly, even he has said the exact same thing. Admits he has to continually "check" his thinking and responses. During this pandemic he has stayed very close to home ..even though he could be on the job site. He has a crew of men that are almost afraid to work and many have opted to stay home. He has accepted that and not pushed them to get back to work. THAT alone is huge. He has almost zero tolerance for "not getting the job done". Trust me... zero. After his kidney cancer surgery , he was walking around the job site 3 days later. He has been sensitive to my daughters frustration , she is like a crusty caged animal who is frustrated with online lesson plans, students emailing 100 times etc etc (lol). He has made sure the water jugs are full, has done the "running around" , brought home treats ( chocolate !) and been busy finally having some time to get some things done around here. However...if the conversation veers away from the news, the virus or day to day chit-chat and there is a lull of silence....he "runs" for cover. He is almost afraid that the conversation will turn to uncomfortable topics. He will only talk "fluff" , nothing meaningful or "dangerous" in his opinion. Appears quiet and " thinky". He is my "buddy or fishin pal" ...not risking anything more significant. And for me , that is painful. He spent hours "purging" his office … several bags of garbage and shredding. That ...I have never seen that happen before. He is in a high risk category for this virus and seems to be taking that very seriously . That surprises me .
-
Before the lockdown began here, my W suggested I move back in. She feared that lockdown meant one of us wouldn’t be able to see the kids. Thankfully the rules allow for kids to be moved between separated parents, and it’s not been mentioned since. She did come round for a takeaway the other night, when it was my weekend with our daughters and she’s offered to do Easter lunch for us all on Easter Sunday. The weirdest bit is that’s she offered to cut my hair! It is getting a bit long now, and all the hairdressers are shut atm. As ever, these offers never seem to develop into anything else though, so I’m not sure I’d say my MLCer has changed due to the pandemic.
Hope everyone else is staying safe.
Moon
-
It’s hard to say if he’s just bored, but it seems like there has been slow movement forward this last 6 months. Very slow. We have more contact right now due to everything going on and it’s friendly. Like we are helpful neighbors.
He cares a bit more about the kids it seems like. For sure more than he did for the first year. It seems to be a gradual progression towards sanity, with a long ways to go. It could be boredom, more time to think. He has acknowledged my existence a couple of times lately.
Usually even if we are chatty it’s about the kids, business. This week twice he mentioned wanting to give me a break since I am now homeschooling. He has a cough and works at a hospital so the exact opposite has happened.
I’m interested to see how Easter goes. If his cough is gone I’m sure he’ll be over for a few hours.
He did follow me around for a few minutes a couple of weeks ago when this first started here. He was chatty tonight on the phone. He will be fixing my dryer when his cough clears, or trying. He just fixed the kids bikes. It’s hard to say if this is just coparenting or movement. I should say the movement started with a breakup ow2, 6 months ago and him realizing he cannot love anyone right now, especially himself.
-
My H has moved home (temporarily at least) to "stay at home" with us. To be fair, I think he is pretty well all the way out of his crisis and has been reconnecting steadily for awhile now. It has felt so normal. He is very much himself again, though still not my husband - but very much a dad to the kids.
-
BD I think was quite a few years ago, trusting? And you had been slowly reconnecting - at least as a family - for a while before virus days?
Well, for good or ill, it sounds like you are getting a close up view of the rare Lesser-Spotted Post MLCer :) ::)
-
BD I think was quite a few years ago, trusting? And you had been slowly reconnecting - at least as a family - for a while before virus days?
Well, for good or ill, it sounds like you are getting a close up view of the rare Lesser-Spotted Post MLCer :) ::)
To answers your questions, yes to both. BD was 11 years ago. He has been reconnecting significantly with the kids for a couple of years and with me for probably the last year or so, few months at any rate. Still, this came as a surprise to me, to tell the truth, as well as the extent to which he has jumped back in.
I always hesitate to post when I do, because I'm not sure people want to hear how long it takes. I know they don't. I truly do believe most come out of it and more want to return than we would know. It just takes waaaaaaay too long for the LBS to stick around to find out.
-
Trust, quite the contrary, I like to hear stories of MLCers who return after many years. I bet I'm not the only one. I don't mean that we should sit around and wait for our spouses to come out of this, because so many do not. I just like to hear good stories in general.
If you feel like it, I would love to hear about your H's last few years and the movement towards you and the kids.
-
Trust, quite the contrary, I like to hear stories of MLCers who return after many years. I bet I'm not the only one. I don't mean that we should sit around and wait for our spouses to come out of this, because so many do not. I just like to hear good stories in general.
If you feel like it, I would love to hear about your H's last few years and the movement towards you and the kids.
Thanks for your response, Milly. I need to start a thread and have been thinking about it for some time but haven't gotten around to it yet. I do have a view from the other side, albeit not yet a restored marriage, though I would say a restoring relationship of sorts.