Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Midlife Crisis => Our Community => Topic started by: Rollercoasterider on June 16, 2020, 11:21:34 PM
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I am pasting one of the questions I reviewed on Facebook Live (https://www.facebook.com/kendaruth.stumpf/videos/3307117662641030) from this morning.
It's about how you handle your situation 3+ years in. She would like examples. Chuck left the alienator and returned home at 3.5 years, so I don't have the experience of being a long-term Stander.
My question is regarding the middle years - I remember reading and rereading all the articles and you mentioned that MLC gets worse before it gets better - at 3 years I can attest that is true - but I would love if you could expand on that concept. My sense that is soon after BD most of us fixate to some degree on a timeline - early on I heard MLC lasts 2 - 7 years, then I heard 3-7 or even longer. I of course wanted to be the exception. At 3 years, my H is definitely still in replay, yes we are seeing more depression, but he still avoids like crazy. For people who want to stand - having more information, tools, etc could be extremely valuable, if we want to stand we must be prepared beyond saying it takes a long time. Maybe you could give some examples of how people handled themselves in year 3, 4, 5?
If you want to listen to this question from the Facebook Live (https://www.facebook.com/kendaruth.stumpf/videos/3307117662641030), it starts 9:50 from the beginning.
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Does anyone know where the replies are to this question? I’m about to enter year three since BD and I’m feeling a little fatigued. I’d love to hear stories of managing in these “middle“ years???
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Here is that FB live
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=rHM-w7Y8Oso&pp=ygURI21pZGxpZmVxdWVzdGlvbnM%3D
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I was still standing 3 years in. I would say that there was a shift that happened near the beginning of year 3. I became very detached to what he was doing. I was definitely doing a lot of healing and moving forward. I was living life "as if he wasn't coming back" but still maintained that shred of hope that was essential to my stand. The things he was doing and saying were no longer relevant to the overall outcome or my stand. As far as MLCer, he was still very crazy in year 3.
I also was still living off signs in year 3. I saw signs in everything. And I did have some conflicting thoughts about standing, but ultimately chose to continue standing. I had to extend a lot of grace and forgiveness in my thoughts toward my MLC and his continuing hurtful actions throughout the aftermath of BD and continuing onwards through the years after D in order to continue with my stand. And I had to battle those folks in real life that thought I should be dating by then.