Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Midlife Crisis => Our Community => Topic started by: UrsaMajor on February 22, 2021, 12:14:43 PM
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Before my fellow mentors give me a ration.... It's new thread time.....
Last thread : https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11346 (https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11346)
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Following along for the further adventures of UM.
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Love the title. Along for the ride!
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Also attaching Um.
Sea
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Just caught up on the end of your last thread, UM. Your update was a nice one to read.
I'm not a bit surprised to hear of yet another household where distance learning is not going well. Good on you as a parent for at least trying to enforce some rules in how it should look. It appears that many of the parents of the kids I teach have just given up!
Nice work with that virtual challenge you are in. You are rocking it. I just signed up for another virtual 5K in April. Like you, I find if I have something motivating to work toward it really does help keep me moving.
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Following
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Another one following along UM :)
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Well, when I left off my last thread, I had finished talking about blended families so now, for something completely new and different....
As part of my health insurance, every 2 years, I get to be poked, prodded, and perused, inside and out....
Today I was at the doc for one of the final (I hope) appointments in this round and, for the first time, my new GP did an ultrasound of the upper and lower abdominal area (the Urologist does one of the "lower" bits as a matter of course to measure prostate size, etc.)... So, here I am, 57 and my GP is a woman, probably mid-40's and her assistant (woman in her mid-30's I am guessing - hard to tell with all the masks), I'm laying on the table with no shirt (at least it was warm) and they start going through the Ultrasound... and I get to hear things like "Oooo... there is the Aorta! Lovely! Look here <click, click, click> It is only 160 mm wide! If it is more than 250 mm, it is concerning and 500 mm means that surgery is needed SOON and no deposits or signs of hardening.... OK, lift your arms up please because we can't really see the liver.... Take a deep breath - OH! THERE IT IS! Your liver is really rather high. That is good because that means that it is not enlarged at all. An enlarged liver has to go down into the abdomen because if it goes up, it impedes the lung .. and look, there is the kidney right next to it. Look at the definition between the two! Textbook Picture! That is because he is not overweight, you see... And you measure this part here - Take another deep breath and hold it please... " and this goes on for an HOUR! Meanwhile, the doctor has printed out SO many pictures for the assistant that the paper in the machine has run out so the assistant resort to taking pictures of the screen with her cell phone.....
My appointment was planned for 20 minutes but they were having so much fun looking at my insides and the one doctor showing the other how to work the machine... "And there is the bladder - not too full .. and there - yes, right there is the gall bladder... You really didn't eat this morning, did you? (I was supposed to have not eaten so I didn't). You can see that because the gall bladder is relatively full.... and the left kidney is ... no no no not there, it is up higher than that on the left side and you have to look in between the shadows caused by the ribs. Solid bone doesn't let the ultrasound waves pass, that is why there is the black shadow there.... Take another deep breath please... YOU see, you can have a REALLY top-notch Ultrasound machine but if the patient is fat/diabetic/overweight, it still takes a lot of time. With someone like him, it is easy, even with my mid-grade machine because he is in good shape so the organs are easy to see .. and there is the Pancreas right there... and the spleen is here but it is harder to see.. No, if he turns on his side so that the left kidney is up, the spleen falls into the abdominal cavity and you can't see it at all...
It really was quite amusing in the end.. I have NEVER had two women be so enthusiastically enamoured over my "internal values."
(https://media.giphy.com/media/U0L0whTE3lzMc/giphy.gif)
not to mention having more hands run over my upper body for an extended period of time and that includes getting physiotherapy for whiplash...
At the end, the doctor thanked me for having so much patience with them... but the bottom line was that for 57, I am in pretty decent shape...
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;D ;)
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💪👏👏👏
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Attaching..
Heck yes..Doesn’t everyone want a comprehensive, guided tour of their insides????? 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
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This goes under the category "Life is what happens while you are busy making plans.... "
I was in the middle of our monthly Division conference, which is kind of important, by Video Conference with 70 other people. My cell rings (or vibrates in this case) and it was R telling me that, while riding her bicycle home, she was run into by another bicyclist and her wrist was broken and could I please come and get her bike because the ambulance was on the way...
<Adrenalin rush - ACTIVATE!>
Grabbed my car keys and the trailer hitch mounted bike rack out of the shed (she has an E-Bike and I know there was NO way in Hades I was going to be able to lift it onto the Roof carrier which was the other option) and hightail it over to where she was. I had a vague idea but I was right and got there WAY before the police or the ambulance.... Yes, it was broken all right because a wrist is NOT supposed to look like a "Z."
Long story short, I got her bike mounted up, the ambulance came and took her to the local hospital where they proceeded to straighten the bone (she actually broke the Spica just below the wrist (that is one of the 2 bones in the lower arm between the elbow and the wrist) but did not give her anything sufficient for the pain :o I mean, I was there when they did the same for S13 last winter when he broke both the elle and the spica (I am sure someone with more medical knowledge will say what the correct names/spelling is - I am a rocket scientist, NOT an MD) and they knocked him out completely...
R will have to have surgery which is now planned for Monday since there was NO way in Hades she was going to let those clowns at the local Clinic operate on her after the massive cock-ups (one after the other) in the ER... 30 minutes before anyone even said "Hello"after coming in in an ambulance, not once did anyone ask about pain relief, if she needed to use the loo, needed a drink... Nothing... It sounded like being in a battlefield Triage center and not in one of the biggest hospitals in the area... Complete Chaos...
So, other than that little incident Mrs. Lincoln, how WAS the play?
(https://media.giphy.com/media/wMvESGxZ0Cqd2/giphy.gif)
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Ouch! I hope R has a speedy recovery and finds an empathetic PT who doesn´t torture her with the range of motion exercises.
As for your inwards, hope you got the photo album:)
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Hello,
since there was NO way in Hades she was going to let those clowns at the local Clinic operate on her after the massive cock-ups (one after the other) in the ER... 30 minutes before anyone even said "Hello"after coming in in an ambulance, not once did anyone ask about pain relief, if she needed to use the loo, needed a drink... Nothing... It sounded like being in a battlefield Triage center and not in one of the biggest hospitals in the area... Complete Chaos...
Years ago, I took a teacher who broke his upper arm during our annual end of the year softball game, to a series of hospitals and clinics. It was first diagnosed as a sprain, the hours later in a occupational clinic, it was determined to be a break. Then at the hospital, the determined it was a break as well. They didn't trust the first set of x-rays. While we sat in the waiting room, another patient in a wheelchair just fell over plat onto the floor. Just laid their out cold. I asked, "Are you okay? " No response. My friends told me, "Leave her alone, you are not a doctor. " I turned to my friends and said, "I know I'm not a doctor, if I was" pointing at my friend with the broken arm, "we wouldn't be here right now." So I go up to the receptionist and tell her about the patient on the floor. She looks up at me, "We will get to her when we are ready." This was one of the top rated hospitals in the state. Hmmmm....medical care at its finest.
I hope all is well and have a quiet and restful weekend,
(((((Ready)))))
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Sorry to hear about R's accident and hope she gets the care she needs, UM. I will say though....bc it takes an LBS a while to remember what normal chaps do lol....I did think how nice it was to see a man respond to that kind of situation in a lovely normal way as opposed to an MLC way :)
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Sorry to hear about R's accident and hope she gets the care she needs, UM. I will say though....bc it takes an LBS a while to remember what normal chaps do lol....I did think how nice it was to see a man respond to that kind of situation in a lovely normal way as opposed to an MLC way :)
What, you mean to ignore her, run away, or tell her it must have been her fault so she could deal with it on her own?
(https://media.giphy.com/media/hbC4cE2LYXgpG/giphy.gif)
No MLC here!
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What, you mean to ignore her, run away, or tell her it must have been her fault so she could deal with it on her own?
If I drank coffee, I'd have spit it all over my keyboard! Priceless.
I hope Rs arm heals well and quickly. So nice that she had you to call, knew she could trust you to help, and that you were able to get there in time.
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Tagging along.
Sorry to read about R's mishap. But like Treasur, I was a little misty that R had her person to call and he dropped everything and came out and helped her without all the complaining and drama. I hope R is able to get some compassionate medical care in the future.
Glad to hear your insides are in good shape.
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UM - Your ultrasound description had me in tears... And your comments were the coup-de-gras1...
I am sorry about R's wrist. I also am so glad that you were there for her, and that she had you. You truly deserve someone after all you've been through.
Sea
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Well there is that saying... "it's what's inside that really counts!" Sounds like you excel at that, but I think most of us here already knew that :)
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OMG... So funny to read your description of the ultrasound!! Very strange compliments, but compliments nonetheless.
Sorry to hear about R's wrist but so nice she had you to call.. I hope she has a speedy recovery!
Just as a matter of curiosity.. If the shoe was on the other foot, would you have called her and expect her to react like you did? I'm not asking if she would but if you would expect her to do so.. As a fellow LBS in a new relationship, I still struggle with relying on B after what I went through with H. Is like I rather not get used to his help "just in case".. Isn't that sad?
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One Day -
Not to hijack Um's thread, but I have the same issues about being able to depend on anyone.
My son (at home from college) gets upset when I do things and don't ask him. I just feel like I need to be able to do everything by myself.
I'm sure that, with time and consistency/actions, you will be able to rely upon B as you used to with H.
Again, time is our friend...
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UM, Happy to hear how your medical appointment went -- and very thorough. Wow.
And, so very sorry about R's accident. I hope her surgery goes smoothly and uneventfully with a quick healing time. Like the others, my little heart went pitter patter hearing about how you dropped everything to go and rescue her.
Thinking about what One Day ponders, and not to hijack as well, but I am not sure I could rely so fully to expect that any partner would ever rescue me. Trust is gone and even in the year prior to BD, when I needed help on a few occasions -- one of which my parked car was involved in a multi-car accident and I asked my h, who was working at home, if he could swing by and see if my car was drivable and take me home if it needed to be towed; his response was that he didn't plan to be in that area that day. And, I accepted that as normal. He showed up, but .... Not sure all wounds heal with time. One Day, not so sad. I understand. We all understand.
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So sorry to hear about R's mishap, but glad she had you to depend upon. I will never forget how my H at the time had left me hanging with a detached retina about 6 weeks after starting his bull$h!te. It was right then and there, I decided I was done. Never again would I waste my good faith and trust on that selfish POS.
It's good to finally be back with a man who knows what the words honor, courage and commitment (the Navy credo that Popeye has always lived by) truly mean. Beyond a shadow of a doubt, I know if anything where to happen to me, he'd be there without hesitation because he has already told me so....and he truly IS a man of his word, unlike my ex POS.
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Congratulations on the healthy innards. I always figured you for a man with textbook kidneys. And after experiencing two MLCers, having a healthy liver probably ought to earn you a medal or something.
Bummer about R's wrist. I broke mine when I was younger. Once she can use it again, it will be important to use it. I got into the habit of using my other one for everything, so my broken one atrophied a bit.
As always, thanks for the comic relief.
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Well, the update is not quite as good as we were hoping/led to believe....
I took R to a specialized hand/elbow/shoulder clinic about 2 hours away from us. She has been there before when she had an accident with a lawn mower <yeah, cringe> and it is one of the best in the surrounding area.
The ER where we live has a reputation as one of the worst in the entire state and they certainly lived up to that with R... Her break was more (MUCH more) complicated than they had indicated - not only was the Spica (that is - I think - the larger of the 2 bones in the forearm) broken and the broken part folded backwards (that is what they straightened at the ER) but many of the bones in the wrist itself were dislocated.... and the end of the broken bone towards the elbow had splintered a bit... Plus the cast they put on at the ER was wrong... It was WAY too tight and disturbed the blood flow in the hand... not to mention caused a lot of pain... The good side of that is that there is no real damage from teh cast....
At the clinic/hospital yesterday, they took a complete new set of X-Rays and did a CT as well to find out the extent and she was operated on this morning. It was supposed to be with an "arm block" that is I guess given in the armpit and deadens the entire arm, with the idea that, if that didn't work, they'd go for the full Monty and knock her out. She wrote me when she was out of surgery that she was in the "wake up room" and everything was OK so far.
Of course, I felt my stomach drop as "the wake up room" meant that the armpit thing didn't do the job and I asked if that was the case. She said no, it was "other problems" so I am guessing that they found more damage when they went in.
Anyway, the plan was that she'd have a titanium plate put in that will have to come back out in 12-18 months once everything is stabilized and the bones have healed.
OneDay, I'll be brutally honest, in answer to your question - It is a good one and not at all any sort of hijack...
I wouldn't have called in the first place. At that time of the day, R would be at work and they are not allowed to have their cell phones on or at least they have to be totally silent (not even vibrating). I would have sent her a message when I could telling her what happened and that I'd be home when I got there and not to worry... I have been left holding the bag WAY too often when I needed help and not gotten it to allow myself to be reliant on anyone ever. Yeah, it is a trust issue... I think, if I would have called, R would have done whatever she could in her power to help however she could but I wouldn't have called in the first place because, if it didn't work out again, it would just lead to disappointment (unmet expectations) so better to be reliant on myself because I know I can take care of myself than to rely on anyone else....
Sad? Yeah maybe ... But not in any way unexpected I think.... Those who have had their trust betrayed often learn to be self-reliant to an extreme - possibly an unhealthy extreme... But we have been metaphorically left standing on the street corner in the rain and dark by people who we had counted on to pick us up.... We are no longer playing the "Charlie Brown and Lucy with the Football" game... We've learned the hard way that the ball will be pulled away at the last minute when we needed it to be there so we don't bother trying to kick it anymore.... "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me" becoems a watchword and a general approach.... It morphs into "You don't GET the chance to fool me...."
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UM -
I am sorry that it was delayed, and mismanaged initially, but am glad that R finally got the help she needed.
Now the healing begins...
Sea
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Hoping the healing goes much more smoothly than the initial diagnosis. You can amuse her with tales of your perfectly placed organs during her recovery.
Self reliant to an extreme - I can relate to that.
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You can amuse her with tales of your perfectly placed organs during her recovery.
This made me laugh out loud, DF :)
But will UM be able to find the right kind of gif for this....... ;D
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We've learned the hard way that the ball will be pulled away at the last minute when we needed it to be there so we don't bother trying to kick it anymore....
Yeah, it is kind of sad but I'm pretty realistic so if that's how it's gotta be now, then so be it!
Sending healing wishes to R - I hope things go well with the recovery.
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You can amuse her with tales of your perfectly placed organs during her recovery.
This made me laugh out loud, DF :)
But will UM be able to find the right kind of gif for this....... ;D
How about this one?
(https://media.giphy.com/media/8hQ7COxzegzMXALlOx/giphy.gif)
Well, R may not be home as soon as we thought... The hospital has laid 2 drainage catheters in her arm and she has significant pain. One problem is that her body physically does not metabolize pain medication well. Instead it is in and out with very little effect. At the ER, they gave her a dose of an opiate (Stupid people did not write down what it was - only that it was 6.5 mg but the Head Doctor followed it up and found out what it was) that should have had her looking at the pretty lights in La La Land and she was fully functional and still in pain...
She will get what is called a Pain Catheter today where there is a constant flow of pain meds but that can NOT be used outside the hospital (she had the same thing when she had her shoulder OP last year and it worked well) so we will see.....
I talked to her this morning and she was REALLY tired/wiped out because she was only able to get 3-4 hours light sleep due to the pain last night... :(
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So sorry to hear that R is not in a good place, and I hope that this improves soon.
But much respect for the gif, UM - I should have known better :) ;D
The Marvellous Bear strikes again!
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So sorry to hear that R is not in a good place, and I hope that this improves soon.
But much respect for the gif, UM - I should have known better :) ;D
The Marvellous Bear strikes again!
I had another one that was better but it was just a tad "risque" in a Virtual Reality sort of way (liquid Metal art) and I didn't want to offend anyone so ...
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How awful for R. I will add her to my prayers - the Lord will know who I am taking about.
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UM - Sorry to hear about R's pain.
The catheters are wonderful and they do make those that you can take home - at least in the US.
They're called On-Q and such.
Is there a specific pain team who would be able to help her with that?? Or is that who's handling the one in the hospital?
I'd love her to have the same pain relief at home as in the hospital...
Sending hugs and wishes for quick and pain relief for R.
Sea
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Well, Tuesday, S13 became S14....
Unfortunately, since my job has decided to sentence me to 2 weeks of an online training form 08:30-14:30 (IN FREAKING CANADA! Meaning 13:30-19:30 where I am ::) I know, I should be happy to be working in the pandemic but for crying out loud... come on.... ), and since Tuesday was a "school day" we will have a Corona-approved (read "small") party on Saturday. He wanted and got a PC for his birthday (or rather he got the PARTS for a PC and we have taken the last 4 days to build it.
He went to xW's Tuesday afternoon so he could celebrate his B-Day with mom and D10 and then came back yesterday.
We got it up and running today so he is happy as a clam....
By the way, who has seen the movie "Lion" about the boy in India who gets separated from his family, is adopted by a couple in Australia, and then, 25 years later, embarks on a search for his mother? SERIOUSLY depressing except for the fact that it does happy end and is based on a true story...
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Hello,
By the way, who has seen the movie "Lion" about the boy in India who gets separated from his family, is adopted by a couple in Australia, and then, 25 years later, embarks on a search for his mother? SERIOUSLY depressing except for the fact that it does happy end and is based on a true story...
I thought it was an awesome movie. Very sad, but a very good movie and high recommend it.
Happy birthday to son 14!
(((((Ready)))))
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Hello again,
SERIOUSLY depressing
Seriously depressing is "Dear Zachary: a letter to a son about his father". That documentary made both my wife and I cry- just like Lion, it is a true story.
((((Ready))))
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By the way, who has seen the movie "Lion" about the boy in India who gets separated from his family, is adopted by a couple in Australia, and then, 25 years later, embarks on a search for his mother? SERIOUSLY depressing except for the fact that it does happy end and is based on a true story...
I thought it was an awesome movie. Very sad, but a very good movie and high recommend it.
Happy birthday to son 14!
(((((Ready)))))
R thought I needed to see it as I was adopted (at birth) and have NO real desire or need to search out my biological genetic contributors... ::) I have never seen a need for it but she and others seem to think there is some sort of hidden need there that I am supressing.... For me, it is really simple. Unlike the boy in the movie, I have NO memories at all having been taken from my birth mother at birth and going with my parents when I was 3 DAYS old... so I only know (and care about) my REAL parents and they are the ones (OK, my mom) that raised me...
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Thanks for the warning UM.
I just finished reading Radium Girls. I highly suggest that, if you have a strong desire to read it, you wait until the pandemic is over and long forgotten because THAT is some seriously depressing stuff. Also a true story.
Happy Birthday S!! Let there be cake!!
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Happy Birthday S!! Let there be cake!!
There was... S14 got 2 "Corona-limited B-Day parties." With xW it was S14, xW, and D10 and maybe (I am not sure) if S14's GF was there or not since it was a school day. Here it was me, D10, S14, S14's GF, R, R's D20, R's S18 and R's S30. Ironically, RS30 and RS18 were the only 2 "outside" the household since kids 14 and under don't count and the rest all live here (for the most part - D10 is here every couple of weeks) and I made S14 his requested cake - an "Olchi Cake."
Now, for those that don't know about the Olchis, they are a German thing for kids - a kind of "anti-manners" family that are the opposite of everything that parents try to teach their kids with regards to manners, keeping clean, etc. The books are funny and, for those that have a basic knowledge of German (or just want to see the pictures), here is a link:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WaeVj7HlQ_I (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WaeVj7HlQ_I)
Basically, it is a cheesecake without a bottom crust that has Butter Streusel on top that has been colored to look like mold - typical 14 year old boy, right? ::D
https://www.chefkoch.de/rezepte/1892541308154343/Olchi-Kuchen-gammliger-Schimmelkuchen.html (https://www.chefkoch.de/rezepte/1892541308154343/Olchi-Kuchen-gammliger-Schimmelkuchen.html)
(https://img.chefkoch-cdn.de/rezepte/1892541308154343/bilder/1131608/crop-960x720/olchi-kuchen-gammliger-schimmelkuchen.jpg)
The main thing is that he got the cake he wanted and had a nice (belated) birthday party on Saturday. By that time, we had also finished building his new PC together (what he wanted for his Birthday - he took all of his Birthday and Christmas money and bought the parts and we built it together... a Father-Son project)
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Oh yum, does that sound good!
I'm glad he had such a nice party from you. Good memories for him...
Did you say girlfriend??? :o ;D
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Hello,
That looked like a lot of fun and I bet both of you really enjoyed building the computer together.
Now, for those that don't know about the Olchis, they are a German thing for kids - a kind of "anti-manners" family that are the opposite of everything that parents try to teach their kids with regards to manners, keeping clean, etc. The books are funny and, for those that have a basic knowledge of German (or just want to see the pictures), here is a link:
I can tell where you son get his sense of humor. Hmmm.....The big bear and his little cub.
I am glad his day was special and he is lucky to have such a special dad.
(((((Ready)))))
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I'm usually not one to post this kind of thing normally but... wow... Can you say RIGHT ON POINT!
From Society of St. John the Evangelist (SSJE) - I subscribe to their daily devotions
Healing
When Jesus came back to see his Apostles, Jesus showed his wounds.
He showed his wounds as if to say, I am the real deal, I’ve been to hell and back,
and I’ve got the scars to prove it. Healing is a process we’ve all been through.
Healing centers us and gives us a reason to get out of bed in the morning.
Healing helps us find God where we need God most –
which isn’t always where we want God most.
As an aside, if you are interested, I preached again on Good Friday and attached the file...
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So very true!!
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UM thank you for sharing this.
So difficult at times to accept God's plans and timing.
Yet, He walks beside us in every moment of our lives.
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I love this.
Thanks UM.
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Thank you for sharing that UM. I needed that.
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Time flies when one is having fun.... I was "talking" to another Mod and realized that I should probably update my own thread for a change rather than commenting on everyone else's... and had to search... and search ... and search... My last post was before Easter!
So..... Hmmmmm .... where to start....
A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away... No, that's not right... <snort>
Since Easter, not TOO many changes have happened.... COVID still controls a vast part of daily life although, with the German population averaging about 60% fully immunized (myself included) some things are beginning to relax a bit and some restrictions are being lifted for those who have been vaccinated or are recovered.
R and I have been to a couple of concerts in the past month and that was really nice to get out. We also went to a REAL restaurant and celebrated our 2 year "anniversary" last week. It's not the first time we've managed to go out but it is still rare enough that it was a big deal.
I'm not quite sure how to refer to R's kids since we are not married so they aren't Step Kids but they are more than just "her kids" as they and I have a really good relationship. In German there is a term "Vize" like "substitute" but that isn't it either because they are NOT substitutes for my own kids so.... The reason I am thinking about this is that they do (particularly RD20 - R's D20?) play a pretty prominent role in life as we now know it... Na ja, RD20 lives at home and is studying Physics while RS18 is in a town about 90 minutes south and going through a practical school for watchmaking (yes, there are still people who do that in Europe). Anyway, D20 was visiting her BF and was gone for a few weeks. She came back the other evening and calmly announced that they (she and BFs parents) had to take BF to the hospital because he had a high fever and was really sick... turns out he has/had Mono... :o He got it from her.... and she had also apparently given it to her brother (RS18) who spent several days travelling around Europe while ill... At least not as bad as RD20's BF.... Never a dull moment in our house....
My S14 is in the middle of his first relationship explosion with a girl in his class whose mom at first was happy but now wants her daughter to go after the boy with more money... ::) so he's taking that pretty hard.... GF's home life is NOT good - there is alcohol and other issues there... and he was staying a lot more with xW2 because GF lived around the corner... Now that that seems to be on ice for the present, he is coming to us again more often.
D11 is still having mom's anxiety projected on her so she shows up every 2nd weekend but is no loner reporting back to mom every few hours so that is an improvement too....
R, D11, S14, and I went on our vacation this summer to Turkey on the Aegean Coast for 2 weeks and it was really wonderful... NOT a huge touristy town and we had a great time together. The older ones stayed at home and took care of the dog and got Mono evidently as that seems to be the right time frame for the incubation to break out and both RD20 and RS18 were sick with the "normal" mono symptoms...
Other than that Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?
Seriously though, as far as my life is concerned, as I was saying earlier, R and I have just celebrated 2 years and it has been an interesting ride. Each of us has triggers although, honestly, I think some of mine might be a bit fresher than hers as she has had a couple of TR's between but was divorced for about 14 years before we got together... One of my triggers got whacked over the weekend (had NOTHING to do with R directly) because xW2 sent me a note saying that we "needed to talk about the kids" which I knew meant that she wanted to talk about money. THAT was a massive trigger for me because every time MLCxW1 wanted to "talk about the kid" meant that I was going to get taken to the cleaners. R and I talked a fair amount about it and to be honest, sometimes she was supportive of xW2's position (NOT helpful but it was reasonable) and sometimes mine. In the end, MLCxW2 and I talked and, yes, she DID want money but was quite reasonable about it and actually left it up to me to decide. The whole thing revolves around D11 in that, in the agreement, the kids were to be 50/50 between us and the costs as well. Well, because D11 is scared of her own shadow (thanks to mom's anxiety projection) D11 is, like I said, with me 2 days of 14 so the costs for her mom are higher than she expected. We came to a reasonable agreement that is also temporary.... Later, I thanked R for talking me off the ledge as I was really running down the rabbit hole before hand and it helped MLCxW2 and I to have a reasonable conversation...
I am preaching about once per month now (so regularly) and have been invited to appear before a specific formation committee in January to see where the process will go from here so that is kind of exciting. Last Sunday, the readings were one of those that no Pastor/Priest/Preacher I know really likes - the "Chop it off" reading from Mark... so I had to come up with something on that theme and I think I did OK. S14 went with me and was immediately drafted into service as an Acolyte. The priest was over the moon happy that he had a full Acolyte Team on the altar for the first time since he has been here (yeah, he started just when the COVID Pandemic was in full swing). In addition, we are doing something that not too many other churches in Europe are doing at the moment and that is we are truly Hybrid with in-person worship in the church combined with an on-line community that stretches to the US, India, and Finnland. They participate as well, sometimes doing readings, reading the prayers, etc so it is a real 2-way service and not just a Webcast. That has been a real challenge to implement on a shoestring budget but it has worked so far.....
Not a whole lot else to report at the moment. Life continues and all is well in the Bear's Den!
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Good to have an update UM.
Sounds like everything is pretty "normal" these days. Teenage heartbreak and illness mixed in together with anniversaries and vacations.
I was listening to a podcast recently and the speaker said it the thing that makes a good movie ... when things go wrong. Nobody wants to watch a movie where nothing bad happens because it would be a pretty boring movie. If nothing else it keeps life interesting and makes for a good story when your ancestors do the genealogy research.
But I am sitting here at work eating my lunch thinking "Chop it off reading??" Then it hit me - oh yeah, if your foot offends thee, chop it off. Then I chuckled.... I guess that is what happed to LB and SPQ... they offended thee and I cut them off. The Bible is right.... tis much better this way.
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But I am sitting here at work eating my lunch thinking "Chop it off reading??" Then it hit me - oh yeah, if your foot offends thee, chop it off. Then I chuckled.... I guess that is what happed to LB and SPQ... they offended thee and I cut them off. The Bible is right.... tis much better this way.
(https://media.giphy.com/media/ZVTGG5pNh8StZu6i8h/giphy.gif)
Yeah.... My life would make a pretty boring movie at this point....
Found out last night that the parents of RD20's Best Friend that live sort of diagonal to us (they live 4 doors in this direction from my former house) are looking to sell their house.... R and I are thinking about buying it for a rental property (extra income in retirement) and then, if and when RD20 needs it, we have it.... We'll see... It is a seriously big step and I'm torn. This one would be in my name though while where we live now is R's house... Scary step to commit one's self to a fairly large mortgage at 58 but I see others here doing similar things and, since it is really one street over, maintaining it wouldn't be too difficult... We'll have to see what they are asking.... or planning to ask...
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I thought it was "If thine eye offends thee, pluck it out!" ;D
Thanks for the wonderful update, UM. I'm happy life is good for you and R and the kiddo's.
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I thought it was "If thine eye offends thee, pluck it out!" ;D
That's the third thing.... "If your hand causes you to stumble, cut it off for it is better to enter the kingdom of heaven with one hand than to be consigned to hell.... And if your foot causes you to stumble, cut it off for it is better to enter the kingdom of heaven lame than be sent to hell where the worm never dies... " etc. NSRV Mark 9
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Great to see your update UM. Sounds blissfully normal. Love the idea of your buying that house. Don't think of it as being saddled with a mortgage at 58, but rather an investment that will likely yield far more than any investment fund. Hope it works out.
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UM, Popeye and I have just bought a house, complete with a decent, but still totally reasonable mortgage. I must admit, I did think and overthink the whole thing, but have found my peace in the fact that this will be OUR home for the rest of our living days. Much like MLC, it's one of those things you don't see coming at this age, but you learn to swim tides and navigate it as it comes.
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R talked to the owner and....
1) We are about 4th in line in the neighborhood that have expressed an interest (news travels faster than the kids talk - R's D20 and Owners D20 are BFF's so we did hear rather early on)
2) they are NOT planning to sell in the near term - probably in the 6-8 months time frame rather than the end of the year
3) They haven't gotten a valuation yet so we don't know what they are asking... It may simply be more than we can afford due to the real estate bubble at the moment
We'll just have to wait and see....
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UM- I get the mortgage anxiety. I just refinanced our home under my name solely…gulp!!! There was power and anxiety in it. My goal is to power through and pay it off in 5 years. It is a huge goal. I took a 10 year mortgage and that was huge. It is my total focus for the next 5 years!!! Will I make it??? Probably not, but it gives me something to shoot for. 🤣😂 GOALS!!!!
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A good friend of mine who happens to be an Episcopal Priest posted this on her timeline and I thought "Well, isn't THAT an LBS Mantra!" Whether it is "Moving On" in the sense that it is used here or "Moving Forward in Life While Standing" or even "Recovering one's equilibrium while deciding what to do next." There are some things that are simply outside our control and to recognize/accept that is one of the first (and hardest) things for us to deal with....
(https://scontent-ams4-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/251408837_4418878044828077_8712204691913323808_n.jpg?_nc_cat=1&_nc_rgb565=1&ccb=1-5&_nc_sid=730e14&_nc_ohc=L2QOgwXD5nIAX8mzSij&_nc_ht=scontent-ams4-1.xx&oh=a46ffe89e0960306c245c87e31b7fcb1&oe=618E41A9)
Oh! And I just now realized as I was updating my profile that xW's B-Day was exactly a week ago... It totally escaped my attention... ???
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Oh! And I just now realized as I was updating my profile that xW's B-Day was exactly a week ago... It totally escaped my attention... ???
Ahhh, how sweet it is!!! YES!!
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Great list, UM. Moving forward, in all of life's uncertainties, is what every LBS needs to do. Closure is a myth. If you want to be done, then you decide that you're done. You don't sit around collecting dust waiting for someone to tell you you're done ;D. And, how appropriate that you didn't remember your XW's bday. To closure and accepting that the MLC'ers crash and burn mentality is theirs and theirs alone to own.
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If only it didn’t take so dang long to understand that everything on the list is 100 percent truth.
Hooray for missed trigger dates!! That is real progress right there!!
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If only it didn’t take so dang long to understand that everything on the list is 100 percent truth.
(https://media.giphy.com/media/xoFpnqSg21xmGT8D5b/giphy.gif)
Hooray for missed trigger dates!! That is real progress right there!!
I will admit to feeling a twinge of guilt when I realized it. Ironically, I realized it when I went to update my profile here with the face that xW was a year older
(https://media.giphy.com/media/YVOGMB0wBJ4vYx6aEV/giphy.gif)
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Love that list! Closure never looks like what we thought it would. For you apparently it is forgetting xW's BDay. Nice!
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Love it, UM!
Funny I forgot my X's this year too, and ours are only a week apart.
Yay us! ;D
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UM -
Catching up.
Sounds like you're doing great! The computer building with your son sounds like a great bonding experience (I did the same with my adult son recently). And, it sounds like you handled the conversation about helping your XW with finances to cover the extra days that she cares for D11 well with less trepidation after discussing it beforehand with R. Grounded spouses are amazing.
I built/bought my house during divorce, and it will be paid off when I'm 89-1/2!! I'm not worried though. It's a cozy place to live. I'll make extra payments when I can, and my sons should have equity in it when I die so all is good... I hope that your house across the street comes through at a reasonable price for you.
I see that the list of 100 was removed, but I would love to see it. Not sure if you removed it planning on replacing it or not.
Sea
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List of 100? There is a list on the previous page but it is shorter... I think that is the one you might have meant...
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Sorry Um - I must be confused (nothing new). I saw this and thought it was "the list" that people are talking about, but there is no attachment even though it looks like there's an image connected. :o
A good friend of mine who happens to be an Episcopal Priest posted this on her timeline and I thought "Well, isn't THAT an LBS Mantra!" Whether it is "Moving On" in the sense that it is used here or "Moving Forward in Life While Standing" or even "Recovering one's equilibrium while deciding what to do next." There are some things that are simply outside our control and to recognize/accept that is one of the first (and hardest) things for us to deal with....
(https://scontent-ams4-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/251408837_4418878044828077_8712204691913323808_n.jpg?_nc_cat=1&_nc_rgb565=1&ccb=1-5&_nc_sid=730e14&_nc_ohc=L2QOgwXD5nIAX8mzSij&_nc_ht=scontent-ams4-1.xx&oh=a46ffe89e0960306c245c87e31b7fcb1&oe=618E41A9)
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Sorry Um - I must be confused (nothing new). I saw this and thought it was "the list" that people are talking about, but there is no attachment even though it looks like there's an image connected. :o
OK, this is odd... I see the image on my PC but not when I look on my phone.... Hmmmmmmm
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Just catching up...
5hil
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UM- can I say that your responses on threads are a dose of humor with reality that is beyond amazing. It literally makes me laugh each day due to them. There is a lot to say about being able to laugh at the craziness!!
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UM- can I say that your responses on threads are a dose of humor with reality that is beyond amazing. It literally makes me laugh each day due to them. There is a lot to say about being able to laugh at the craziness!!
Thanks... My specialty is the velvet-covered 2x4.... Reality but a cushion to take some of the sting out of it...
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Another graphic that is SO true.....
(https://scontent-amt2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/246374344_3051486921800142_5244119859410232885_n.jpg?_nc_cat=109&_nc_rgb565=1&ccb=1-5&_nc_sid=730e14&_nc_ohc=iBexInTb9xIAX_1LwVT&tn=0yzCIE38uObZu45Z&_nc_ht=scontent-amt2-1.xx&oh=a34e11e360d7dbed7cd80e13bc9cc37d&oe=619B8279)
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I remember this one, UM. So true.
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I remember this one, UM. So true.
I saw this on the page of an Episcopal Bishop in the southeastern US that I follow and thought... "Oh yeah...."
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And another one for thought.....
(https://www.quotemaster.org/images/01/01def0273cdd1b4eda3d6b0e4b96b50c.jpg)
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Ursa, Truer words have not been spoken.
5hil
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Ursa,
Saw this and thought of you. (Pic might only show up on computers, not on phones.)
(https://scontent-den4-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/261161250_1983601341807953_6163421524554606971_n.jpg?_nc_cat=1&ccb=1-5&_nc_sid=8bfeb9&_nc_ohc=t3fKowThozkAX_6Jqka&_nc_ht=scontent-den4-1.xx&oh=dff6f4b2d51cdd15b514d83cf74fa928&oe=61AA8AFC)
JB
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Ursa,
Saw this and thought of you. (Pic might only show up on computers, not on phones.)
(https://scontent-den4-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/261161250_1983601341807953_6163421524554606971_n.jpg?_nc_cat=1&ccb=1-5&_nc_sid=8bfeb9&_nc_ohc=t3fKowThozkAX_6Jqka&_nc_ht=scontent-den4-1.xx&oh=dff6f4b2d51cdd15b514d83cf74fa928&oe=61AA8AFC)
JB
Oh my Goodness! LSHIPMP! <Laughing So Hard I Peed My Pants>
(https://media.giphy.com/media/wofyg8nxsWEmtR7eOK/giphy.gif)
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I'm on a computer and the picture isn't showing up. Neither is JB's. Weird.
Anyway, just catching up.
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I'm on a computer and the picture isn't showing up. Neither is JB's. Weird.
Hmm, not showing up for me anymore, either. I forget where I linked it from, but I thought the site would archive it locally. Anyway, it was a cartoon of a bear being tractor-beamed up into a UFO, captioned, "The aliens soon discovered that the hairy humans didn't take kindly to probing."
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Well, I have been so busy posting to other people's threads and providing you all with the wisdom of the Full Moons that I have neglected my own thread for 4 months so before I get shunted off to the Inactive Board (that I have also been cleaning up), I guess I should update....
I guess the short version is "The more things change, the more they stay the same...."
xW is still wallowing along and COVID did NOT improve that situation much. One thing that has been bothering me for a while is how often the kids have been "sick" and have missed school (when there was actually school to miss). I have been contacted by the teachers of both kids (different teachers in different schools) asking me what was going on and to both I had to say that the kids are registered with their mother and that I have no visibility of what is going on when they are there. Both kids have been spending less time with me since the beginning of the new year for one reason or the other. Since xW refuses to get vaccinated or to allow the kids to be (S15 is eligible but D11 was not and still isn't as she has no pre-existing conditions that would warrant it), they have been excluded from many activities.
I reached out to a "Parental Advisor" in the town where the kids are so I could get an idea if what I could do and how I could get the kids back into spending time with me. She, in turn, had discussions with both kids and found out a few things that I did suspect partially. For one thing, neither of the kids are overly fond of my partner because, unlike xW, we have rules in the house like no telephones at the eating table, meals will be held at the dining room table and together as opposed to in their rooms or in front of the TV (in fact, we don't even HAVE a TV in the living/dining room), "screen time" is limited, and there are chores that need to be done like going out with me when I walk the dog or, for S15, helping RD21 and RS19 Partners daughter and son) keep their bathroom clean. The other part though is that D11 (at least) are having to be the emotional support animal for xW so D11 doesn't like to stay away too long because "what happens if mama is sad and I am not there?"
Ironically, after that, the Advisor wanted to have an appointment with xW to discuss the issues and I told her (I am the one paying for all this by the way) that she should arrange it directly with xW as if I were to arrange it, it would come across as if I was attacking xW for her parenting (which it did anyway but that is a different story) so she did. What they discussed I don't know but xW was not happy and said that I should have told her if I was sending the kids to that kind of person. I responded that I did it to improve MY relationship with the kids and that she did not have a choice or a say in the matter as it was not affecting her. However, the advisor I guess told xW a few unpleasant truths about her basically expecting D11 to shoulder adult emotional responsibilities and that it was inappropriate.
D11 was telling me how she wanted to make cookies and xW said that she would help and then ended up sleeping on the sofa instead so D11 made her cookies alone.... D11 and I made a couple of batches of cookies over Christmas while she was with me so she anted to do the same with mom but mom was not able to do it. D11 also told the counsellor about xW sitting in the middle of the living room floor and crying (those were the VERY limited details I got).
S15, on the other hand, had the usual puberty complaints - I take away or deny him things as punishment for breaking the rules (yep, that is what happens when the rules are broken but in proportion) and he doesn't particularly appreciate that we try to go vegetarian 4-5 days a week.... If there isn't meat, he's not that interested.. Unfortunately, he is also overweight so a little more healthy food wouldn't hurt but vegetables are poison... Both kids remarked that xW doesn't cook and that they eat out a lot or, if she does cook, rice, salt and butter is considered to be an adequate meal.... S15 has started to learn to cook now in self-defense...
Speaking of S15, he's had a hard time lately.... Seems his ex-girlfriend started a rumor in the class/school that he raped her (he insists that they never even had sex at all) and so was being mobbed unmercifully. There was a great deal of discussion with the school, with the parent advisor (xW was all for trying to brush it under the rug and didn't want to get the girl in trouble so was apparently willing to let S15 hang out to dry) but, as it turns out in the end, it was a lie to make herself the focus of attention (seems the girl is a couple of cans short of a 6-pack, is a cutter, etc.) so I was glad that I stuck to my guns and pushed that S15's name be cleared. The girl had to tell the class that S15 did NOT in fact rape her although she denied ever saying that he had (some other kids in the class told the School social Worker afterwards that she DID in fact say it because they were there and heard it) so I am hoping that, after the Easter break, now that his name has been cleared, S15 can get back into the school again and find some sort of normality. What shocked me (and the parents advisor who was involved in the whole series of discussions) was xW's willingness to let S15 dangle in the wind while protecting his accuser from any consequences of her actions.... I guess typical for a Mid-Lifer - no accountability for actions...
Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?
My own life is proceeding relatively smoothly. Aside from the occasional trigger moment and sometimes hard discussions, my R with R is going well and we are happy. We each have those things that make us react more extremely than we would wish and we are working on that.
xW is still wearing the happy mask when I see her but, due to the sessions with the kids and the counsellor I have some insight to the truth behind the mask. I have often thought "What would I do if?" and have come to the realization that there is no way I'd get involved with xW again at this point. Seeing that she has taken NO steps to deal with her issues and is instead finding new things to blame her life on (Go Go Gadget, Victim mode, ACTIVATE!), I have no desire to try to fix things in her life (or anyone else's for that matter except my own or my kids) so, nope, not going to go back down that road.... She is still, to the best of my knowledge, single and has no one on the hook and she complains about having to do so much herself (well, that IS what happens when you fire your partner and say you want to do it alone) and, while I can feel sorry for her, unless it directly impacts the kids, she has to live with the consequences of her choices.....
So, that is about all the news that I can think of in the short time....
UM
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Gosh Ursa, what an update.
Your XW sounds like a mess wrapped up in a mess of messy things and the cookie part is heart breaking for your D. My, now adult step kids, experienced simililar things with their mum (she wasnt an MLCer- whole different bag of mess there) and they now realise what a negative influence she was and neither have spoken to her for years. Tragic.
We had to go through all the school intervention stuff until they both had nothing more to do with her. I see the scars they both carry though and now their beloved Dad (once the sane one) is an MLCer. Ouch.
I'm sure your two will realise who the sane one is, even if they do have to eat veg and tidy their rooms etc. But yes, big worry in the meantime.
You sound resilient and I'm glad your r is going well. All relationships are hard at times aren't they? I think it's great that you're able to be in one at all. I'm not there yet.
You're a tower of strength and wise words on this forum. You're clearly a good guy. It matters. Go you.
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Wow, this makes me so incredibly sad. What a massive burden for D11 to feel she has to be her moms emotional support at such a young age. I hope some authoritative figure can step in and set something up for you to have more of a role in their lives as they surely need it and Al thought they don't think they like the rules, they need them. That is good parenting.
I have to say my anxiety went up just reading this. The children are always my weakest point when it comes to all this. I’m so sorry your XW is not doing what she needs to do, not only for her but for her kids. It is what is the most heartbreaking part of it all. My XH knows he has an issue, but cant face them. It’s to painful and he doesn’t think he could survive. I would go through any level of pain to ease my childrens pain. Thats when you really do see that they are just not right. So very sorry and thank you for your story update. Sending positive thoughts for you and your family that something changes
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My own life is proceeding relatively smoothly. Aside from the occasional trigger moment and sometimes hard discussions, my R with R is going well and we are happy. We each have those things that make us react more extremely than we would wish and we are working on that.
So sounds as though YOU are in a good place, which has to be very positive for your kids, even though they seem to be struggling a bit. Continue to be the parent you know your kids need you to be. It must be hard (and hurtful) at times.
Don't know if you've had the wind therapy wheels out yet, but I sure hope you will be able to soon. Even though it's April, we are currently getting snow, sleet, and rain! It seems like it might be quite some time before I can fire up the Harley.
Thanks for the update.
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Journaling/Update:
xW is wallowing along with all the amazing speed of a herd of turtles. Unfortunately, she is taking S15 and D11 right along with her into the passive "victim Mode" mentality. D11 comes to me every 2nd weekend now and S15 doesn't even come that often.
Meanwhile, he is showing some VERY significant signs of depression and anxiety and hasn't been regularly in school for more than a month now. Here in Germany, it is a legal requirement that the kids go to school through the end of at least the 9th grade and even then, they need to start into an apprenticeship or other training program until they are at least 18. According to xW, S15 though is having severe "sleeping problems" (just like hers) and is vomiting nightly so she lets him stay home from school.... Since his grades are failing, I expect that this is a self-eating watermelon (he doesn't go to school so he falls father behind and he gets more depressed about it so he feels sick so he doesn't go to school). xW says that she has been calling around trying to get him into therapy but "all the therapists are booked or have only certain hours that one can call or are on vacation." Several people, myself included have suggested to her that maybe S15 needs to have a more intensive set of care like full days for a week or more (in Germany, they call them a "Kur" where one goes for a couple of weeks of intense therapy, exercise, diet monitoring, e-device withdrawal, meditation, etc., and is often used for people (kids too) with burn-out symptoms - she says "we'll think about it" which is xW-speak for "No."
Since xW is the custodial parent, I can suggest until I am blue in the face but until she gets off bum and decides to actually DO something (which historically takes a major crisis of some sort to motivate her), S15 continues to sit in his miserable swamp.
This all started after his GF dropped him and then, early this year told other kids in the class that S15 had raped her. She later publicly recanted after being faced with being charged with slander but by that time, the damage was done and S15 had been asked about it by other kids in the school. Since then, S15 has been withdrawing farther and farther. I have also suggested to xW that we change schools as there is a public school near to where I live that is VERY good and adept at dealing with kids that have been bullied or mobbed out of other schools as well as those who have little motivation but, of course that would mean that S15 would live with me and that is something that xW wants to prevent at any cost because she will loose 50% of her chid support. The fact that S15 is failing in school due to absence is irrelevant to her as long as the money is there and she can show the world what a great mom she is (NOT).
If she would address her own depression/issues, she would likely be a great mom but, as with all things MLC, she'd rather be a victim than actually do the work.... and it affects the kids dramatically....
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UM, There are no words. I hope she comes to some clarity for put S15 first and allow him to change schools or at the very least she relocate to be able to have him change school. Just heartbreaking . Not sure how I see you advising so many others while this is going on. The hardest thing about the breakup of a marriage for any reason is the affects on the family, the kids. No matter what age. Your S15 is at such a crucial
Age. I’m so very sorry.
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UM, There are no words. I hope she comes to some clarity for put S15 first and allow him to change schools or at the very least she relocate to be able to have him change school. Just heartbreaking . Not sure how I see you advising so many others while this is going on. The hardest thing about the breakup of a marriage for any reason is the affects on the family, the kids. No matter what age. Your S15 is at such a crucial
Age. I’m so very sorry.
I am in a town about 10 km (6.2 miles) from where he lives now and have often ridden my bicycle there to see him. S15 has his own room where I am living so it isn't like we are hours apart. There is a train station 200 meters form the house where he can catch the direct local fast train to the town where xW and his current school is. Heck, I even bought him a year ticket for the train that runs until December (now that xW has him all the time and gets 100% of the child support, that will end - I simply don't have the extra cash lying around anymore) It is simply that xW doesn't want to see the forest for the trees...
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it affects the kids dramatically
Adolescence is a difficult time anyway and your son sounds very depressed and that is a huge concern for you. How terrible that she is putting child support above the welfare of his needs.
Changing school might be a solution but he does sound like he needs more than that as well. The allegation about him from his ex GF are really harmful.
Whether or not you could afford to, could you continue to pay her full child support and have him live with you? I know that is a lot but you could then insure that he is getting the help he needs and perhaps he could change school as well.
What a worry! I am so sorry.
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it affects the kids dramatically
Adolescence is a difficult time anyway and your son sounds very depressed and that is a huge concern for you. How terrible that she is putting child support above the welfare of his needs.
Changing school might be a solution but he does sound like he needs more than that as well. The allegation about him from his ex GF are really harmful.
Whether or not you could afford to, could you continue to pay her full child support and have him live with you? I know that is a lot but you could then insure that he is getting the help he needs and perhaps he could change school as well.
What a worry! I am so sorry.
Germany has a good health care system overall but their mental health care system is next to non-existent. Therapists are booked 2-3 months out and Corona didn't help things at all. He got an appointment for an evaluation at a clinic... in June.... First one that was available...
As far as paying xW the full amount of Child Support (that she currently gets for BOTH kids) and having him live with me (so paying a 3rd time), that is financially not realistic or possible... unless he I and the dog want to go on a starvation diet, he wears clothes that don't fit. all those "normal" things that parents pay for....
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unless he I and the dog want to go on a starvation diet, he wears clothes that don't fit. all those "normal" things that parents pay for...
:'( I know...was just a thought.
It is hard to get mental health treatment at the best of times let alone because of the worries of COVID. Even when you go outside the "state" system, and pay exorbitant prices ( my own sessions cost $165 US per hour) they are booked up way out.
Are there any resources for him through his school?
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unless he I and the dog want to go on a starvation diet, he wears clothes that don't fit. all those "normal" things that parents pay for...
:'( I know...was just a thought.
It is hard to get mental health treatment at the best of times let alone because of the worries of COVID. Even when you go outside the "state" system, and pay exorbitant prices ( my own sessions cost $165 US per hour) they are booked up way out.
Are there any resources for him through his school?
We've already gone through the school. That was how the rumors were recanted. The girl basically had to tell the class that it never happened although she said that she never said such things. Other classmates then went to the School Social Worker and told her that they had, in fact heard the girl say that so ....
The school also allowed him to have a "working in" time where he was exempt from exams (he had to write 3 in the main subjects in order to have a grade but the rest he got a temporary reprieve from) but he hasn't been in school for a full week since the beginning of April... He's missed at least one or two days a week if not the whole week.... He was in for 2 hours on Monday and left again.... and was out then Tuesday and today. The doc his mom takes him to wrote him sick for the rest of the week....
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Goodness, you think if he isn’t thriving in his environment that the dr or school would step in, but no one wants to get involved. Courts and family services are over whelmed. Has your son ever expressed wanting to live with you full time? Where you live does it have the right for a child at a certain age to request? I feel I may have read in earlier that he may have some protective feeling for his mom and that wouldnt be something he would do??
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Goodness, you think if he isn’t thriving in his environment that the dr or school would step in, but no one wants to get involved. Courts and family services are over whelmed. Has your son ever expressed wanting to live with you full time? Where you live does it have the right for a child at a certain age to request? I feel I may have read in earlier that he may have some protective feeling for his mom and that wouldn't be something he would do??
S15 IS of the age he could request to live with me if he wanted to. In fact, our divorce decree/custody agreement is very open in terms of where the kids stay. However, there are rules at my house which neither kid is particularly fond of like "No phones at the dinner table," "We eat at the table and not in our rooms," "We don't come to the table in pajamas and bathrobes," "Everyone helps with setting and clearing the table and cleaning up afterwards," "Rooms need to be at least somewhat clean." Screen time has a limit, while we are NOT vegetarians, we don't have meat at every meal, we don't use the car to go around the block (that is what bikes, feet, and public transport are for), regular bathing, regular changes of underwear, and kids go to school or to the doctor - there is no "Ferris Bueler's Day Off" in my house like at mom's so ....
You know, all those rules that make me a hard-a$$ that mom let's slide... We don't even have a TV in the living / dining room - it is in the TV room in the cellar with a nice comfy couch, 5.1 sound, and all
It is actually D11 that feels responsible for mom's well-being
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Ahhh, well that makes sense. No teenager wants rules now do they. Thank you on the clarification on the D being the one. I thought I remembered reading one felt some responsibility there. Well, I don’t know how any of you handle this situation with kids still in your parental responsibility. This has been hard with adult kids.
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UM - I am sorry that you are getting less and less time with the kids as a direct result of your xW's MLC. The devastation and collateral damage is terrible. Is there no such thing as a truancy officer there? Here, a truancy officer would have already gotten involved. In order for S to miss school while we were in Germany, he had to go around with a paper to all of his teachers, get it signed, get his assignments, do the work before he left, and turn it in to the office for the vice principal to sign off on or it would have been considered an "un-excused absence with parent contact". This is required whether it is the end of the school year or not. Anytime there is a pre-existing absence S would need to do this.
If he is sick, he has to have a negative covid test to return. If it is a recurring thing, and they suspect at all that we are playing the sick card, they often will require a dr's note for it to be an excused absence. Too many absences and a truancy officer and the courts get involved.
When S21 was in school, we got a letter from the truant officer saying we needed to come into the school for a meeting. S was only gone hunting for a few days, but the school marked him out those days, and then he accidentally got marked out on days he was actually there. A quick call to the attendance office fixed the mistake, but meeting with a truancy officer puts fear in our hearts!
The non-custodial parent could definitely use truancy as a reason for custody.
I feel absolutely helpless for you that there does not seem to be anything that you can do as the sane parent to help better this situation for your kiddos. Even though they cannot seem to see that despite Dad's rules, responsibility and rules = dependency and a better life outcome as adults! Oh so wish they did not have to see this in hindsight down the road!
On an un-related note, we got to experience the Deutsche Bahn, S-Bahn, U-Bahn, etc. and sure wish we had something like that here. It was nice not having to drive for a week and force gas down our tanks at high prices. It was refreshing to see how many people bike, bus and take the train system and also refreshing to see how a lot of times it's on the honor system. We learned about how Germans like to do the right thing and that there are hefty fines for cars breaking down on the Autobahn, etc. Boy, the Autobahn at 175km per hour was a bit crazy too! And that was in a 9 passenger van lol. I sure wish we could have donated our Bahn points to you. We got told we were losing so many every time we opted out.
It also seemed to me that underage drinking wasn't really a thing. Take away the illicit and it's not such a big deal plus the teenagers can get on trains versus driving so it seemed like there would be way less underage drinking and driving. That's all a huge problem in our city. I did allow my kiddos to have drinks since they were legal there, and they didn't go crazy alcoholic. Again, there is something to taking away the illicit in a situation that makes it just not such a big deal. At least that was my view from the cheap seats.
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Before I have to relegate my own thread to the archives for lack of action, I suppose I should update it...
Where I left off was with S15 missing lots of school due to various issues like MLCXw allowing him to miss school for every possible belly ache, head ache, "I feel nauseous, etc." excuse as well as the real psychological trauma of being unjustly accused of rape and the school's failure to really DO anything about the accusations and him falling farther and farther behind.
To make a long story short, S15 decided to repeat the 9th grade on free will based on the school telling him that he would not be allowed to proceed to the 10th grade anyway. It then came out that he would have just had the grades needed to be sent on to 10th grade if he would have completed one extra credit project in French (Languages are required subjects in Germany in the upper grades) so he was feeling betrayed not only by his ex-GF that started the rape rumors but also the school for not being honest with him (and we as parents were mightily pi$$ed off at the school for that as well).
This school year has not started out a whole lot better and he was still missing significant school but his grades were acceptable... and then he got the 'rona.... That took him out of school for 2 weeks and when he went back, he was so far behind that he got back into the devil's circle of the pressure to catch up leading to psychosomatic ailments so he was allowed to stay home which led to him falling further behind, etc. The school then called for xW and I to have a conference (finally! I had been trying to get them to do this for a while) to come up with a plan to get him back into school because he is still required to attend. He has been in therapy and his first IC said that there was nothing more to do and basically fired S15 as a client (S15 is a lot like MLCxW and doesn't do a lot to help his own healing in terms of IC). He has been and is in group therapy and that seems to have been helping him but he is looking at being put into an in-patient setting if he doesn't start going to school regularly. We had a meeting with his group therapist (who is also part of the clinic system where he would go) and the therapist really (again, finally!) laid it on the line for S15 and MLCxW in that, from the therapists perspective, S15 is finding it quite comfortable to not have to go to school and is exhibiting avoidance behavior and that, if things did not improve by the end of February, a clinic admission would be unavoidable but that the ball was really now in S15s court to decide if he was going to get out of the cycle and go to school or to go into the clinic. Basically, the therapist said that S15 had been packed in cotton balls for too long (thanks xW ::) ) and that the hard reality is that he needs to take some responsibility for his life and either poop or get off the pot, that life is sometimes hard, no one ever always had everything handed to them on a silver platter, that sometimes people fail and they have to get back up and try again instead of avoiding... you know, all those things that Mid-Lifers can't/don't or won't do...
S15 did NOT take that news well nor did xW but I have to admit thinking "This is what I have been trying to say for a year now. At least now someone other than me is saying it and it might have an impact instead of me talking to the hand."
In the end, S15, MLCxW and I sat down and came up with a set of rules that we all signed up to in order to get S15 back into real life. This was a 3 hour session of S15 being a typical sarcastic teenager with puberty issues (mostly aimed at MLCxW - he really laid into her about breaking up the family and having to move to a different town away from the friends he had before - it was interesting seeing her trying to justify that one - she looked VERY uncomfortable. I kept my lips zipped), MLCxW waffling around and trying to be his best buddy while trying to cajole him into being a part of the process and me doing my Joe Friday imitation and repeating the fact that S15 has 2 choices - get his rear in gear or get into the clinic. Those are the two options and he has the possibility at the moment still to choose but that he is going to have to roll up his sleeves and do the work, that we (his parents) can NOT do it for him. We will support him and help him but HE has to do the work and that he is the one who is responsible in the end for the outcomes/cnsequences...
The Rules that were decided on are:
#1 - No 2 media sources at the same time (Most of his school work is done via iPad and he would have his iPad on and open to school stuff while watching a YouTube video on his phone - he and I went around and around about this whenever he was with me) except music while studying - No audio books, no cartoon sound tracks, etc. He could listen to music while studying but that was it. I personally did the same thing as it helped me to concentrate better)
#2 - No more computer games unless he is playing with real friends (people who he has face-to-face personal contact) and then for a maximum of 2 hours a day on the weekends
#3 - He has to study every day - we discussed a fixed number of hours but saw that as counterproductive as that could result in him sitting in front of his iPad and doing nothing for <x> hours a day - like sitting off detention. Rather he needs to study effectively every day, ensure that his homework is done every day and turned in on time with the measure being his grades and being promoted to 10th grade
#4 - After 21:30, no more screens - he complains of sleeping problems but has a screen in front of his face all the time and it is simple medical fact that the blue light from the screen prevents the body for producing melatonin which promotes sleep. The exception to this is on vacation when there is no school.
MLCxW agreed to this as well and she is really the one that has to enforce it as he lives with her 99% of the time.
The new school year semester started on Monday so we will see how it goes. S15 has been in school so far every day (four whole days in a row.... ::) ) and he has a free pass for the first 1/2 year but from here on out, he will have to bust a nut, get going, and prove himself. The time where he (and xW) can blame the school or others is over. Now it is the responsibility of the one looking back at him in the mirror and no one else...
Meanwhile, D11 (now D12 since yesterday) brought home best grades in English, history, 2nd best in German and Math so she is really flowering and doing well in school. MLCxW allowed her to get her hair colored on the ends so D12 has mouse-blond/brown hair (her natural colour) with auburn ends.. It is really cute... for a 16 year old.... D12 is still a bit too young to pull it off but, again, what goes at mom's stays at mom's.... and D12 paid for part of it out of her own allowance (which I think is a good thing. xW paid for the cut but D12 had to pay for the extra stuff... )
We all (S15, D12, MLCxW, myself, my GF and GFD22) all had dinner last night together to celebrate D11 becoming D12 and it was really fine. S15 and GFD22 sat at one end of the table and jabbered away most of the evening (they get along really well anyway) and GF & MLCxW chatted away with each other for a good part of the evening. I sometimes had something to say but often was talking to D12 as well. It as such an.... no other way to say it other than "odd" situation but it was pleasant and peaceful and D12 was really happy to have 5/6ths of her "patchwork family" there. GFS19 is in trade school in a town 90 minutes south of us so he didn't come up for the dinner.
GF and I have been together (living together) now for 3 years and, while the occasional "thing" pops up, we do pretty well together. Our kids all get along together with the only real friction being between S15 and GFS19 while GFS19 is a bit emotionally challenged and is realistically about the same emotional age as S15 so having two of them at the same time is sometimes enough to make me want to pull the remaining 4 hairs out of my head... Since S15 is treated like the little prince by MLCxW, finding out that he is not God's gift to humanity in our house has been a real challenge for him. He and I have had several discussions about the need to be "right" and whether or not it is worth the energy and hard feelings to argue a point to death just to be "right;" whether or not it was really an issue that was going to make a difference in his life or anyone else's at the end of the day.... It is the same discussion that I had with my mother when I was 16 or 17 and I remember it well... I just think that I was a bit more amenable to hearing it than S15 is at the moment... <snort> but I expect that my mom would have said the same about me.
And that is the last nearly year in a nut shell.....
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Interesting update Ursa.
Sometimes it is hard to know with teenagers if their behavior is due to their age or something else....there are so many issues facing them, and the screen time certainly has some impact.
Your S15's comment about having to move and leave is friends made me wonder if in the school he attends now, is he having difficulty making friends...kids can be terribly cruel.
I think your approach is great....working together with a "team" but basically being the "adult/parent" and informing him that these are the rules and he will follow them.
Also glad to see that you could be together for D12's birthday...
"GF & MLCxW chatted away with each other for a good part of the evening. I sometimes had something to say but often was talking to D12 as well. It as such an.... no other way to say it other than "odd" situation but it was pleasant and peaceful and D12 was really happy to have 5/6ths of her "patchwork family" there."
I understand the "oddness" but I also think that if it is possible, our kids benefit .....I am not quite sure how to express this, but it's one way of them knowing that we don't "hate" the other parent because they have strong feelings for both parents, which they need to figure out.....I just think it is helpful if we can show them, how to deal with difficult situations and people and yet still maintain our sanity. ( and a family member, a mom or dad, is different than an acquaintance).
Thank you Ursa for all the responses you give to others here and the delightful "memes" which always make me smile.
Happy New year and let us know how S15 makes out.
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Thanks for the update, Ursa.
Hope your son can see that, indeed, life is hard at times. No way around it.
Your daughter seems to be growing up quickly! I can recall the days when you'd post that she would cry when she would come to your house. Her new hair style does make her sound like she's older than 12!
Like XYZ, I applaud and appreciate all you do here.
Still have that motorcycle?!?!
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UM, thanks for the update. It shows how an LBS can heal and thrive and detach from the MLCer. You were very intentional in the early stages of doing the work to heal and move your life forward.
That was great to read.
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Still have that motorcycle?!?!
Oh yeah... and D12 LOVES it ... She went from "I'm scared to go on a ride but I'll try it but it has to be short and not too fast, OK?" to "Hey Dad, when can we go for a ride?" in about 3 months.... Now that it is winter, she is looking forward to spring as much as I am.... ;D Neither of us is a big fan of screaming down the Autobahn but tooling through the woods on curvy roads is fun for both of us...
Sometimes it is hard to know with teenagers if their behavior is due to their age or something else
Isn't THAT the truth.... ::) "Teenagers - you can't live with 'em and you can't hang 'em by their toes from the ceiling fan either." ;D
S15 has had difficulty making friends, partially because of the new school, partially due to the false accusations of his ex-GF and partially because he has been, to be honest, treated by xW as the center of the universe so he expects to be treated as such and other kids just don't put up with it. I have noticed that he has to have things his way, the rules have to be to his liking, he has to be "right" and have the last word and that, quite frankly, makes it hard to make friends. He and I have had several discussions about that as well and things get better for a while and then they go back to being "normal."
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Thanks for the update, UM. While I haven't posted an update in a long time (but am planning on doing so sometime), I have continued reading on this site.
I am so sorry for what your S has been going through. :-( It does hurt me to see how much some of our children suffer when their families are broken up.
Does your S already have any idea what he wants to do professionally? Having a longer-term goal may help him stay on track.
Does he have any interests other than being in front of a screen (I know, can be a tough one with teens) where he could make new friends? Any sport he is interested in or an after-school activity offered by the school? Not having good friendships in his class or at least at the school is probably quite hard on him.
Supposedly he lived with you and changed schools, would he still have some friends from his time living in the neighborhood who would attend the same school he would go to?
I'll keep my fingers crossed that your S will be able to plough through this hard time. And that his mom will keep her side of the contract and not give in letting him stay home for minor ailments.
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Hi UM,
I have also having challenges with my own D15 so dealing with 15 year olds can be really challenging. Especially when you have MLCers who enable the kids makes our it even more difficult to deal with. Sounds like you are doing your best to set the rules and it's up to S15 to figure things out.
Seems that phases of life can be temporary. Hope your S15 can move to the next phase and that the rules help him to move on.
HF
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Just a short update because S15 got his report card last week
(https://media.giphy.com/media/lvzdeWk12qjmM/giphy.gif)
and it wasn't nearly as bad as he/we expected. He got passing grades in French and German (he is a German native-speaker but his grammar is the typical Internet - everything lower case, nothing written completely, punctuation? what's that?), a satisfactory in English and Math (funny his grade in English is better than German), good in Politics and Business, Chemistry, Sports and an excellent in Religion so it is not as much gloom and doom as it appeared initially ...
(https://media.giphy.com/media/Tfy1QEkNqQSVYeJcml/giphy.gif)
Even small successes are a success and a step forward for him...
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That’s great news UM! It’s the little successes that build into consistent actions over time. Bravo to your son and wishing him the best.
HF
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Good to read an update UM. Looks like things are improving for your S. Hopefully he and xw and continue sticking to the improvement plan.
Wow, it's so hard to believe that your D is 12 now. I know they grow up but it seems like yesterday she was still so little.
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Happy Birthday, Big Bear!
Hope you have a wonderful day! ;D
Congrats to your son.
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Happy Birthday, Big Bear!
Hope you have a wonderful day! ;D
Congrats to your son.
Thank you Thunder!
It was a wonderful weekend going on a bicycle tour from Rothenburg ob der Tauber to Dinkelsbühl and back (about 75 miles round trip in 2 days).
As far as S16 goes, he is doing better and better. He got a C on his last French exam and a B+ in his last German test so it looks like he had turned the corner. He was with the Confirmation Group from our church on a "pilgrimage" to Canterbury Cathedral in the UK over the past weekend and was having a good time....
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Something odd is going on with the Forum. There are two blocks of posts missing, one block from 13-20 June and one from 05-13 June.... My thread was one that got "disappeared."
So, short update. D12 changed schools to the one where S16 is for the start of the year and is MUCH happier, has made 4 new friends including one on the very first day. At her old school, she didn't have anyone that was really a friend. S16 is the typical teenage boy.... "Oh yeah dad. We'll go to the gym on Tuesday..."(Tuesday comes) "When will you be here to go to the gym?" "Oh, I'm not feeling all that great. Let's just skip it tonight..." ::) Same way with coming on the weekend... but he has no trouble complaining to his IC that I don't have time for him.... ::) ::)
Teenagers - can't live with 'em and ya can't hang 'em by their toes from the ceiling fan either....
S16, D12, and MLCxW have all supposedly been dealing with a stomach bug over the last weeks (that is MLCxW's go-to excuse when she doesn't want to do something) but S16 had no problems last weekend going out with me on a motorcycle tour and eating a grilled sausage and french fries.... At least he was in school the whole week....
Since my last update (whenever that was), I was involved in supporting the pre-launch of the Indian Space Research Organizations (ISRO) Lunar mission as Deputy and the ADITYA L-1 Solar Observatory as Prime Ground Ops Manager so had to burn a LOT of overtime afterwards.... Took 3 weeks off and still have about 75 hours of OT on the books... ::) but both went off well so that was good...
Other than that, it has been quiet. MLCxW is still quietly wallowing away but at least we are able to co-parent well. She is still quite wrapped in in herself so, when the kids are with me, they get experiences in things like cooking things that don't come out of a bag, how to repair a flat on a bicycle, how to clean a bathroom (MLCxW has a cleaning person that comes in and does all that for her/them, I don't), you know... Day-to-day life skills.... D12 still hates to ride her bike (or do anything really active) but at the same time, she was the one that wanted to go to the swimming pool or to the Tree Climbing Center or on a Motorcycle ride. As soon as she is not doing SOMETHIGN though, out comes the phone and she is on it like flies on a dead bunny - mostly reading some Anime thing but on her phone. S16 is not a lot better but he is more interested in "doing" stuff that is active....
Their older dog had to be put to sleep because he had cancer in the lower intestine so, long before that happened, they got a new dog (there were then 2 in the house) who was a street dog in Romania. Now that the older dog is gone, MLCxW decided they needed to get a cat too so they got a kitten whose favorite past time is to sit and stress out the three parakeets they have.... ::) Why she thought that would be a good idea is beyond me... but it is what she wanted so ....
Not my circus, not my Monkeys.. or dogs... or cats.... or birds...
Not much more to say. R and I just celebrated 4 years from our first "date" last week, we go to dance class on a weekly basis, she will have to go into an inpatient physical therapy setting for about a month because her hand/wrist that was broken in an accident 2 years ago February is still unstable. They did an Artho-CT last week and the repairs they did on the tendons and all are OK but she never got the after OP care needed to rebuild the strength and stability she needs as a Kindergarten teacher. Of course, it was her right hand and she is right handed so .... She needs to get this done because the insurance of the person that caused the accident int eh first place is putting on pressure to get out of paying. If this does NOT work and she ends up with permanent damage, that needs to be known before the claim time runs out because then they will be stuck paying whatever difference between her full-time work and what she is able to do for the next 10 years until she can retire.
My mom (87) fell and broker her hip in July, had replacement surgery and is already back up and walking. Last week, the docs cleared her to walk without a cane and she is pretty much back to her old self. She said that she was "not going to be one of those little old ladies that fell, broke her hip and then sat around until she got pneumonia and died." :o She also lost 10 lbs (5 kgs) because of the "horrible" hospital and rehab facility food and said that she was never so glad to be able to cook for herself and her husband before.... I had to laugh at that....
And that is all the news from the Bear's Den.....
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Hello Ursa,
Was lovely to read an update from you.
Yes teenagers. I was fortunate to just have one. When she was 16, I would have given her away! I used to drive her to school and those 7 minutes in the morning, well, I would have to cram all I wanted to say to her as the rest of the time she was off in her own world. We laugh about it now. ;D
These injuries!!! Glad you mom has bounced back ( I too don't want to be hat she was one of those little old ladies that fell, broke her hip and then sat around until she got pneumonia and died.) but I do find that as I age, there are all sorts of issues to contend with.
Glad to hear the things are good with you and R and hope she heals soon as well.
Lots happening in the space world these days. It must be quite exciting...the asteroid that they just retrieved. It seems like several of my friend's kids are studying aerospace engineering...exciting times!
Thanks for all that you do for HS and for the amazing responses that you give to others. Truly you and I know, how a few words from someone we don't know in response to our writings on our threads can really help us through the day....as Joe Cocker sang, "I get by with a little help from my friends", even those we have never met in person!
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I drop in occasionally - thanks for the update, UM.
Your life sounds quite busy, as always. Nice to read that you still are getting out on the motorcycle and that your kids enjoy it as well. I was on the Harley this past weekend enjoying fall colors. I love this time of year.
I'm still teaching and am going to become a first time grandmother in February!
I also am appreciative of all you do behind the scenes here on THS. Thanks!
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Just catching up on your update. Sorry to hear that there are some missing posts. Yikes!
It's good to hear that your M is doing well after having her hip broken. If I have any health issues, I will think of your M and maybe it will give me motivation to push through.
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I drop in occasionally - thanks for the update, UM.
Your life sounds quite busy, as always. Nice to read that you still are getting out on the motorcycle and that your kids enjoy it as well. I was on the Harley this past weekend enjoying fall colors. I love this time of year.
I'm still teaching and am going to become a first time grandmother in February!
I also am appreciative of all you do behind the scenes here on THS. Thanks!
Congrats on the new grandbaby SB! Hijacking UM's thread to send the congrats, I'm sure he won't mind.
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Just a short aside....
Had an interesting chat with D12's IC this morning (I am the one that gets the bills). I let her know that D12 is again missing lots of school due to "being ill" with a "stomach virus" (this was the usual old complaint because no one could really verify it if she was feeling nauseous and it is MLCxW's Modus Operendi when she didn't want to do something or go somewhere) to the tune that D12 is missing on average 2 days every 2nd week so one day per week. The IC was NOT happy and has figured out that D12 and MLCxW have been feeding her (the IC) a line and not telling her (again the IC) the real truth of what is going on. The IC was very appreciative that I gave her that information.
MLCxW will NOT be happy because it likely means that the IC will call D12 out on this and ask what is going on. It will be then on D12 to tell the IC what the story is.
I have my own personal opinion based on MLCxW's past but I keep that to myself - let's just say that this is the normal way of avoiding things for her and that includes anything that might be somewhat more difficult. I used to pick up the slack in order to be "supportive" to the extent possible but, after ABD and her D, I discovered that it was really just her (still) not dealing with her depression in any tangible form and her choices to wallow away.
It is just a shame that she is teaching both D12 and S16 the same ways of dealing with things instead of how they can be strong and resilient and STILL take part in life, even if they are not feeling 100% good all the time....
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We recently had an article in our school district about the loss of school days and the impact it has on the kids. Definitely not good to miss that much school.
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Since it has been 6 months since my last update, I figured I had better write something before I have to archive my own thread for non-use......
For me personally, it dawned on me that I am at 9 years 6 months after ABD. Gee, where does the time go?
I'm now four years in a new committed R where I quasi-inherited 3 kids, VS (Vice-Son - a German term that means basically caring for them like your own without having any formal or blood relationship)34, Vice-D-23, and Vice-S21 in addition to my D1- 33, S17 and D13. Vice-Daughter lives with us and is getting her B. S. in Physics, VS21 is getting his Master Certificate in Watchmaking, will come back home for the summer and VS34 doesn't have a lot to do with us and is off making his own way through life. D1 is working int he US as a Graphics Layout and Design artist for a publishing company, S17 just got his final grades for the 10th grade (and I am MEGA-proud of him after he had a horrible 9th grade that he repeated out of free will due to missing so much school) and will go into the German Upper Class (In Germany, High School lasts 13 years and is culminated with the "Abitur" exam which is quite extensive and difficult).
D13 is a bit of a different story. She had significant problems starting in the fall of last year, was in a "Tagesklinik" (where they go during the day and then come home at night) for the last 3 months and was released finally on the 21st. Most of her issues appear to revolve around her being "Therapist #1" for MLCxW2 and D13 was having panic attacks if she had to be away from mom for more than a couple of hours. MLCxW2 was and is still depressive but refuses to acknowledge it or do anything about it. S17 has basically gotten to the stage where he realizes that it is not his job to prop her up. I hope that, after the clinic stay, D13 has also gotten to that point. We'll see as the school summer holidays start here in a couple of weeks and while S17 is going n a sailing trip for 10 days, D13 is supposed to come to me. My partner, in turn, is on a 10-day tour of Ecuador so I'll have D13, Vice-D23 and Vice-S21 with me for that time. The 2 older ones are pretty much self-sufficient and Vice-D will cook for all of us once a week, usually with her BF. I just need to make sure the house doesn't burn down, is kept clean, the dog is fed and walked, and the fridge is full ;D
My contact with MLCxW2 is limited to co-parenting at the moment. We will have a meeting with D13's new Therapist and there is a meeting scheduled with the German "Jugendamt" (a bit like CPS but not in a"coming to take your kids away" sort) in order to get some "Family Help" (primarily for MLCxW2 since the kids are there 90% of the time) in July so that will be interesting. MLCxW had already tried to pawn off the Jugendamt to a 50/50 proposition until D13's case worker told her flat out that, since D13 was with her 90% of the time, 90% of the effort would be looking at MLCxW's situation.
D13 and I have a good relationship even though D13 doesn't appreciate the fact that I have moved on in my life and have a new partner by my side. I've gotten the Ï already have a mother and don't need a second one." from D13 and I told her that I understand that and that R (my partner) is NOT trying to take MLCxW2's place but that, at the same time, R and I agree on many points and have our own set of house rules that apply to D13 as well as anyone else when they are with us. In addition, R makes suggestions that are in D13's best interests (like going out and being physically active instead of sitting around on her phone) which, of course, being a typical teenie, D13 is not all that thrilled about but D13 needs to be more physically active (her Case Worker and Therapist both said that and I expect the Jugendamt will tell MLCxW that as well). D13 is not overweight or anything but she is physically quite unfit, especially for her age. Ironically though, we walked 10 km (6.2 miles) in 2 chunks a couple of weekends ago and she (D13) was fine......
I only hear about MLCxW's life through the kids, mostly S17 when he is complaining that mom spent the weekend on the sofa "sick" again so he had to go shopping and cook..... (Note that one of MLCxW2's primary reasons for blowing up the marriage was that it was making her sick ::) ) Other than that, I don't have a lot to do with her, except where the kids are concerned. Since I hold their health insurance, I get the bills and submit/pay them so that is about the extent of our dealings. She asks me about things like getting D13 a new phone because hers broke but that is like talking to the hand. I suggested that D13 should have a phone and NOT a smartphone but the contact possibilities with What'sApp, etc., are important at the moment as D13 begins to leave the confines of MLC-dom and becomes more socially active.... so .... it is what it is....
My R is 4 years plus and going well. COVID kind of forced our hand with the lockdown so I moved in to her place with her kids a bit faster than I would have normally done but it has all worked out. We each have our own personal trigger issues that occasionally pop up but we work through them. In fact, the fact that we do occasionally argue is quite different than my R with MLCxW2, where we never argued at all. Since we are both approaching retirement age (me faster than R by 3 years), we have been starting to plan for the future as in where we might like to live, what kind of house or apartment to buy (you know, like accessible for old people :o - no stairs or an elevator to the floor, if we want to have a yard, where in the country (city, suburbs or countryside) and all these kinds of things. Kind of strange at times to be thinking about this kind of stuff , especially with someone other than who I thought I'd be looking a it with but that is the way things have panned out.
So, I guess that, in a nut shell, my life now could be described as rather boring for the most part...... For my birthday, R and I took a week and went to visit parts of her family and then up tot he northern part of Germany where we intended to go on a couple of bike trips. The first day was rained out which was good because we spent several hours the night before sitting in a traffic jam on the highway (it was closed completely for 2 hours because someone was threatening to jump off a bridge into traffic) so we didn't even get into the hotel until 01:15 in the morning. The next 2 days though we managed to do a couple of 60km/35mile trips in the area avoiding the rain and then went to 2 other cities in the evening for sightseeing and dinner. Also THIS is something MUCH different than my previous life with MLCxW2 - her idea was to go somewhere and lay on the beach and sleep and eat and that was about it. If we went to visit family, there was even less to do and a good part of the time was spent sitting in front of the TV. Now, don't get me wrong, a beach vacation can also be very nice but as I am an active person that loves to bike, hike and dive, I tend to get a little restless a few days into doing nothing.... I can do nothing just as well at home and not have to spend piles of money to go somewhere just to see a hotel, a hotel restaurant, and a beach or pool....
Work wise, my team and I are preparing for back-to-back launches of 2 satellites in September and November where I am the prime Ops Manager again and another one in May/June 2025 timeframe so there I am quite busy which beats the alternative....
So, I'll come back in another 6 months probably to update... or maybe in July after the 2 appointments in order to rant...;D who knows...
UM
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Nice update UM.
I hope that D13 has been helped by her therapy. That is quite a worry....and yet still (and I have seen this in other LBS friends) the MLC parent cannot get it together enough for the sake of their kids. Herein is where I see the "pathology" of this crisis and the sad reality of the effect on our kids.
we have been starting to plan for the future as in where we might like to live, what kind of house or apartment to buy (you know, like accessible for old people :o - no stairs or an elevator to the floor, if we want to have a yard, where in the country (city, suburbs or countryside) and all these kinds of things. .
Don't be too quick to give up the stairs. Lots of data to explain that if you stop using stairs, you can become less able to use them;
"Seniors shouldn't avoid using stairs unless they pose a mobility risk or a doctor advises against it. Climbing stairs can provide exercise and improve overall well-being, and some studies have shown that people who regularly climb stairs have a lower risk of death from heart disease and other causes. However, seniors may need to take extra precautions when using stairs, such as: Paying attention, Taking their time, Not carrying large items, and Holding onto handrails. "
I had a knee replaced 6 years ago and continue to live in a two story house. Plan to stay here as long as I can take care of it myself.
Kind of strange at times to be thinking about this kind of stuff , especially with someone other than who I thought I'd be looking a it with but that is the way things have panned out
It is, still after many years and I encounter many things that make me stop and consider this was not the way it was supposed to be. Not having a partner is lonely and sometimes I would like to be able to bounce ideas off someone, especially things that happen in the news, you know, everyday things.
Being retired, when one has one's health, is very different...but I find I am so busy that I don't know where I found time to work, sometimes too busy.
Stay healthy and enjoy all the beautiful moments that life has to offer.
Thanks for all you do on HS and thanks for your update!
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we have been starting to plan for the future as in where we might like to live, what kind of house or apartment to buy (you know, like accessible for old people :o - no stairs or an elevator to the floor, if we want to have a yard, where in the country (city, suburbs or countryside) and all these kinds of things. .
Don't be too quick to give up the stairs. Lots of data to explain that if you stop using stairs, you can become less able to use them;
"Seniors shouldn't avoid using stairs unless they pose a mobility risk or a doctor advises against it. Climbing stairs can provide exercise and improve overall well-being, and some studies have shown that people who regularly climb stairs have a lower risk of death from heart disease and other causes. However, seniors may need to take extra precautions when using stairs, such as: Paying attention, Taking their time, Not carrying large items, and Holding onto handrails. "
I had a knee replaced 6 years ago and continue to live in a two story house. Plan to stay here as long as I can take care of it myself.
Exactly. I think R has much more concern about the stairs than I do but that is because her mom (who has rather advanced Dementia and arthritis) is confined to a wheelchair and her great aunt (who is also extremely overweight) is also confined to a wheelchair and has a stairs lift. I think she is thinking in terms of being in our 80's/90's rather than our late 50's / early 60's.
I personally ride my bike 17 km per day (minimum) commuting to work, rain, shone or snow, use the stairs at the office (I avoid the elevator like the plague although my office is on the 4th floor), take a class in Trampoline Aerobics and Step Aerobics (both of which I have 1lb /500gr weights for my wrists and ankles) weekly, and am generally very active. I fully support the "use it or loose it" theory of health and mobility....
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Thanks for continuing to share your story Ursa. I always find it interesting to know what happened to the life of LBS who didn’t reconcile and what happened to their ex Spouses after so many years. This just show that indeed some MlCers never come out of their crisis even after so many years. I have to be honest that I somehow feel a bit of Schadenfreude that these in MLCers did not end up happy at all. Sorry just trying to be honest. On the other hand I would not wish my ex bad things. But I would feel vindicated if he suffered a bit. 🙈
Good to hear your son is doing well now. I hope your daughter will be able to manage it like your son too. I feel bad though that your son had to parent your ex. That’s too much for a child to handle.
As for you and R it seems like you two complement each other. I hope you continue to update us here.
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I reached the opinion, albeit purely anecdotal, that the vast majority of MLCers have their fog lift at some point and they come out of their MLC, where they experience a sense of regret for destroying their lives. 9 out of 10 folks, whatever, pick a number. All speculation, but a gut feel.
However, a decent chunk of these folks are in the shoulder shrug camp, "I messed it up life, my life sucks now, I cant do anything to change it, my LBS probably wont take me back, I cant bring myself to do the work, I cant face my shame, and I'm now just going to live with my new life and make the best of it". Probably 5 of the 9.
So that leaves maybe 4 out of 10 MLCers that come back and express regrets and a desire to reconnect, maybe reconcile.
And I'm guessing 1 out of these 4 marriages end up reconciling, so we can assume this MLCer did "the work" for reconciliation to take place.
So my question is that happens to the other 3 MLCers where LBS did not take them back. Do they also "do the work" but it wasnt enough but still end up reconnecting? Or do they end up joining the shoulder shrug camp and not doing the work, where reconnection doesn't take place?
No one here has that answer I know, all this is pure speculation. But I wonder regardless.
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Hello,
Since it has been 6 months since my last update, I figured I had better write something before I have to archive my own thread for non-use......
For me personally, it dawned on me that I am at 9 years 6 months after ABD. Gee, where does the time go?
Yes, I often find that I have little to share. I am almost non-existent on Facebook as well. I am more into enjoy the reality and not feeling the desire to share I had I just had a great meal. I do more reviews on YELP instead.
Nine years for you and fourteen years for me. Yes, time really does fly by. Except when you are in the moment of the crisis. Then is seems every day is a year. One month after bomb drop seemed like an eternity.
I'm now four years in a new committed R where I quasi-inherited 3 kids, VS (Vice-Son - a German term that means basically caring for them like your own without having any formal or blood relationship)34, Vice-D-23, and Vice-S21 in addition to my D1- 33, S17 and D13.
It is nice to be in a healthy relationship as opposed to dysfunction. It is nice to have adult conversations or even disagreements without the world coming to an end. We are both at the stage where we are talking about retirement, places to live, and life after work.
I had a knee replaced 6 years ago and continue to live in a two story house. Plan to stay here as long as I can take care of it myself.
I had my knee replace last year and I can climb stairs properly one step at a time with one leg. However, I am still amazed that my leg muscles are still weak. I also have to focus on my walking form. I walked poorly to compensate for the pain and now I need to walk in a correct form to help my overall alignment. It is different. It takes work and really thinking about something that I have done with automaticity for years. Which brings me to:
I reached the opinion, albeit purely anecdotal, that the vast majority of MLCers have their fog lift at some point and they come out of their MLC, where they experience a sense of regret for destroying their lives. 9 out of 10 folks, whatever, pick a number. All speculation, but a gut feel.
I don't know about this. I don't think many come out at all. From my viewpoint, MLC or the crisis of transition, is a huge amplification of prior issues and unresolved trauma. If those are not reflected upon and resolved, there is no coming out of the tunnel. They may feel bad for you, but they still retain all the baggage that created the crisis in the first place. My ex has apologized to me and I think regrets how things ended, but I don't think she has truly made any progress. I still sense the total lack of pragmatics and sense of reality. On the other hand, she still is an extremely creative and intelligent person.
D13 is a bit of a different story. She had significant problems starting in the fall of last year, was in a "Tagesklinik" (where they go during the day and then come home at night) for the last 3 months and was released finally on the 21st. Most of her issues appear to revolve around her being "Therapist #1" for MLCxW2 and D13 was having panic attacks if she had to be away from mom for more than a couple of hours. MLCxW2 was and is still depressive but refuses to acknowledge it or do anything about it.
I have the same situation but not to your extreme. My youngest (24) lives with her mom. She doesn't have issues or anxiety, but between the two, they have developed a highly co-dependent relationship. My youngest and my ex run a business together and while I am happy that she is doing her thing, it seems as if my youngest is attached to the hip with her mother. Then mom gets to keep her "baby" forever and my daughter doesn't mind being the "baby" either.
However, they do cover the bills and are not irresponsible so I don't have much to complain about. It's just a feeling.
I have to be honest that I somehow feel a bit of Schadenfreude that these in MLCers did not end up happy at all. Sorry just trying to be honest. On the other hand I would not wish my ex bad things. But I would feel vindicated if he suffered a bit. 🙈
I too have thought a lot about this. I am sorry to say this, but we really place too much focus on the fleeting emotion of happiness. I think of the twilight zone show where the bad guy gets shot and wakes up in a place. Everything he wants comes out perfect. He wins every time he plays the slots. He can drink all the booze he wants. Every girl is his. He thinks he is in heaven. Eventually he starts to get bored and complains to the guy. "I win every time, there no excitement, no chance, no thrill. If this is heaven, I want to go to the other place." The guy looks at him and says, "Who ever told you that you were in heaven?"
So I don't think that MLCers ever find true happiness because the pursuit of happiness is like chasing the end of the rainbow. Instead, we all need to pursue the sense of fulfillment. That's why the MLCer, despite everything they do, they still feel empty. Happiness is a momentary high and it goes away quickly. Fulfillment is lasting and has far more staying power.
Just my tiny opinion and like WHY is a lot of speculation on my part.
Thanks for the post and have a fantastic day,
(((Ready)))
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Beautifully said ready, as always you are full of wisdom. Im glad that you guys are still here helping those who were just bulldozed by their spouses. It’s really a big relief for me when i was new here to know that I am not crazy. Thank you!
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UM - always good to have an update from you! I'm not here much but when I check in from time to time I always look up the folks that were going through the muck and mire back in 2016.
Your son really seems to have turned things around regarding his education. It's nice to read that. I hope that things will improve with your daughter.
You didn't mention the motorcycle so of course I want to know if you still have it! I've been rolling the miles on the Harley, as well as lots of pedal bike riding too. School will be starting soon here so I have to get all the miles in while I can.
It's certainly good to read that once again, at work, you are the OM!!
Best wishes.
SB
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I must have missed this update UM. I'm also glad that you are still around cheering us all along. It's the best thing about this place.
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Hi SB, Hi Ever,
Re: the motorcycle, my R1150 bit the big one (ABS went out, back disk needed to be replaced, a leak in the back axle and the steering head was worn out - all total about €4000 in repairs for a bike worth about €2500 so I took the trade-in offer of 500€, put some of my savings ngs in, financed a bit for 2 years and bought another BMW - an R1200 GS - TOTALLY different feeling and, in my view, much nicer. More upright, the steering is better, and the engine is a lot smoother despite being a boxer motor.. The shop said it appears that my old one had been in an accident at some point (before me) so I'm not too unhappy about it but I am poorer.
My daughter is doing MUCH better, was released from the day clinic and even managed to get back into school at the last part of the year.. She will repeat the year on free will so it doesn't count against her but she's doing much better.
The launch is coming faster than I'd like and I'm hoping the network is ready. We had license issues with the US up to the last minute but they got resolved....
Other than that, typical post-MLC trigger stuff in life... It takes a long time to get over them, if we ever do....
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Hello,
Great news!
Other than that, typical post-MLC trigger stuff in life... It takes a long time to get over them, if we ever do....
I don't think you ever can get over anything. A broken bone may heal stronger, but it is still different. You are also still connected with the MLCer while I am a thousand miles from mine with no interactions at all. However I still have those moments after all we were together for 18 years and that brings a lot of memories and moments together.
So have your moments and know that you will have positive ones as well.
My daughter is doing MUCH better, was released from the day clinic and even managed to get back into school at the last part of the year.. She will repeat the year on free will so it doesn't count against her but she's doing much better.
Super good news and I am happy to hear she is back in school. There is a book out called the "The Anxious Generation" and I want to download it. I hope she continues to improve and know that she and you are in my prayers.
so I took the trade-in offer of 500€, put some of my savings ngs in, financed a bit for 2 years and bought another BMW - an R1200 GS - TOTALLY different feeling and, in my view, much nicer. More upright, the steering is better, and the engine is a lot smoother despite being a boxer motor..
Glad you are enjoying your bike. We all need to follow our passions and live our lives.
Enjoy your weekend,
(((Ready)))
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Other than that, typical post-MLC trigger stuff in life... It takes a long time to get over them, if we ever do
This quote resonates with me so much! Your updates always give a very realistic image of what it’s like to co-parent with an MLC’er even so many years down the line. It gets easier over time but the drama that comes with it I don’t think I’ll get ever used to it.
You’re doing good Ursa! And good to hear your daugther is doing better!
Enjoy the bike ;D
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Catching up UM. But I don't think it's been almost 10 years since BD, that would be next year. Wasn't your BD just around the same time as mine in 2015? Or did you have one prior to the one in 2015? Regardless, it's been a heck of a long time for sure. Can't believe that 2025 will be 10 years since my H disappeared into the void and Edgar appeared from the wreckage. I've got us pegged at 8 years 8 months and December would be 9 years. Or is my math not mathing?
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Yes FW, the big one was in Dec 2015 so coming up on 9. In fact, BD1 was at the end ofAugust 2015 so I guess there is an anniversary coming ::)
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For anyone interested in seeing what I do for a living....
https://www.esa.int/ESA_Multimedia/ESA_Web_TV (https://www.esa.int/ESA_Multimedia/ESA_Web_TV)
This is a live feed to the launch this evening (my time) that will start in about 13 minutes. Launch in 32 minutes. I might even be seen on the feed but I won't tell you which one I am..... Yes, yes, yes, UM the OM (Operations Manager)
Laugh it up Fuzzball! ;D
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Very cool! I missed seeing the launch but from what I can find it all went well. Congratulations! I can only imagine the feeling of years of work on such display.
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Wow - congratulations!
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I tried to watch but it was a few hours after you posted and couldn’t get in. :'(
How very cool though, congratulations UM
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This is great. I would ask if your working on the Europa Clipper mission as I saw that launch a couple of months ago but I don’t know if the Europeans are involved with it. I’m hoping to take my son to the Kennedy Space Center when he gets older and get him into space like his dad is
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This is great. I would ask if your working on the Europa Clipper mission as I saw that launch a couple of months ago but I don’t know if the Europeans are involved with it. I’m hoping to take my son to the Kennedy Space Center when he gets older and get him into space like his dad is
Nope, I am not on the EuropaClipper mission as that is a NASA mission and I work for ESA (on the other side of the Atlantic) ;)