Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: LoveMeMyself on May 25, 2011, 07:33:52 AM
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I'm not sure if this is appropriate for discussion but it's something perhaps we all should think about. I'm wondering what exactly does the "getting worse before better" mean. Can anybody explain or give examples of this as it refers to the MLC'ers? Has anybody felt or seen the "worst" in their spouse and if so, what?
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Well, I think I can comment here if I'm reading your question right.
At bomb drop, H had been showing signs of MLC (which I did not really understand) but it was fairly mild. After bomb drop, he got worse and worse. His attitude went from somewhat distracted and distant towards me to outright hostile. He went from considering me and my feelings to not at all, and letting me know what I wanted/needed/was used to did not matter. I believe the worst was the EA because he betrayed me even though he maintains it was platonic. I believe the other "worst" times were when he laughed in my face and likened me to Kathy Bates character in "Misery" when I declared my love for him. Telling me he was not in any way sexually attracted to me and telling me that I was at fault for having a very bad back among other things. Telling me he needed validation from other women, that mine did not count. Lots of insults - I was boring, rigid...blah, blah. Lots and lots of lies as well though I seemed to catch him in most and they weren't as bad as they could have been (in other words, I don't think there were any affairs but he was playing with fire no doubt). Also, sneaking supplements for body building, driving very buzzed, stuff like that. He was that way for a year or year and one half.
Slowly, the attitude and chip on his shoulder seemed to wane. I started hearing more kindness and declarations of his feelings towards me. I also heard several apologies for specific things such as my bad back, etc. Also for laughing in my face. The replay behaviors seemed to wane as well as did the constant trying to change his "look".
I believe we are now towards the end of replay and avoiding depression. (note I wrote "we"...geezalou). I'm seeing a much, much kinder person, much like the old husband but I still see bits and pieces of the nasty...very small ones and infrequently though. I'm also seeing some weepiness and overt sadness. When I see the tough guy act now, it's not the same as it was a year ago...that tough guy was full of bravado and strutting like an overgrown peacock. This one is a bit more of a normal tough act...not a teenager tough act. I'm hoping his sexy talk on Facebook has stopped but since I refuse to go on there, I don't know for sure.
So in my experience, even though MLC started before BD, it got worse right after BD, way worse in fact but has gotten better now. That said, because I don't trust him, or the MLC, or life, I could wind up having another bomb drop in my lap and so who knows if he really is better or just plays it that way.
Is that what your were looking for?
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Well I am into the 21 month on his trip.
H is most def worse from a physical and mental health perspective. He is thin, grey, losing his hair, not sleeping, dead eyes and radiates a sense of hopelessness. Quite a catch really lol :o :o
His finances are atrocious and he is very nearly bankrupt. But he still manages to keep his fantasy life going but I feel that the dream is cracking.
Despite this when I think that nothing can get worse he still manages to sideswipe me at times about his life and finances. But despite this everytime he knocks me down I feel stronger standing up again and it almost prepares me for the next 'hit'.
It is a very sad situation and the only one who appears oblivious is OW.
xx
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Thanks, Bon. I appreciate you sharing your thoughts and details of "steps" your H has exhibited. I'm struggling at the moment because I feel like........well...........I guess I'm confused. Go figure. I know my exH started showing signs about 6 months prior to BD even though I didn't know at the time what was going on (it's a hindsight thing). He spun out of total control for about 6 to 8 months. He started calming some about a year into this MLC but not until after our divorce (8 months ago). He has been sort of "nice" at times even though the contact has been extremely limited. It's hard to know much as we do not see each other or contact each other often. I hear things from friends who work with him. He recently "attacked" me verbally and within a day or two he was back to being nice..........as if the "attack" never happened. I know he also had issues at work the same day he attacked me so perhaps that was the reason. Anyway, I guess I'm grasping at straws here and just wondering where he might be in all this mess. I know it doesn't truly matter as I can't do anything at this point. I just wanted to have some sort of idea about the "worst" again before better. Not sure if that makes sense or not.
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Hi,
Yes, your question makes sense and I just wanted to make sure I understood the context of the question. Since I live with my little MLCer, I see everything so to speak. I refer to the really bad time of complete hostility as "peak MLC" and I do hope it has "peaked" but I of course take nothing for granted and never will again.
Sounds like your H is cycling. Mine was doing that ALOT for several months and now, a tiny bit but moreso cycling in and out of depression rather than anger. The anger is rarely directed at me now whereas it was almost completely before. I think you really may have a cycler on your hands.
I didn't think about the physical aspect until I read JA's post but I have realized that during a trip we took, exactly one year ago, when things were pretty bad, H looked awful. I think I knew that then but now looking at pictures, I can't get over it. Every picture looks awful....baggy eyes, drawn face, almost ashen! I think that has improved though some days I still see it.
hang in there!!!!!!
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LMM
Each MLCer is so different and so is their journey.
Having read Bon's post my H got worse about 7 months in and then last Oct his replay behaviour diminished and he talked about 'us' 'we' all the time. He insisted in calling me his wife and he went into awakening.
I believe he then had an insight into some of what had happened and this spooked him. Although he is still not as bad in replay he has kept OW and tries to keep his fantasy going. Since his finances have been on a massive downturn he has withdrawn further into replay but still not as far as previously. His depression is overwhelming and rock bottom beckons again.
All we can do is watch and wait. Don't let him pull you in to an expectation of something. Luckily I had zero expectations at awakening as he never progressed with it, although things looked very positive for a short time.
Some MLCers have a smooth road to walk. Others are like mine they take the scenic route through every valley and over every mountain :-\
xx
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Thanks, JA. You are just one month ahead of me in all this. My exH looked very bad (physically) approximately 6 to 8 months in but the last time I saw him (about a month ago) he looked alright. He had gained weight........more than he weighed before BD. He picked up the habit of smoking with his first OW. He has attempted to quit several times but I believe it has gotten worse. He was also drinking very heavy early on but I don't know about it now. He's on medication for depression and seeing a doctor. I question if this slows down the process. IDK
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JA,
Some MLCers have a smooth road to walk. Others are like mine they take the scenic route through every valley and over every mountain
I think mine likes to stop and smell the flowers and takes naps by the stream!
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My H is very much like JA's H.
He looks dreadful. Something I had not taken much notice of since the beginning.
I thought he was looking better recently, but after speaking to some family members and neighbours who have seen him lately, they told me he looks terrible and not the happy go lucky person he always was before.
He is looking depressed and sad mostly.
He too travels over every mountain, through every valley, goes round and around the roundabouts and stops to smell the flowers LOL
It has been 23 months since BD.
I have seen him start to awaken, talked about him hurting, and being sorry, not being able to change the past (text to D not me). However he seems to like it in Fantasy land and is content to remain there with OW for the time being.
Initially he spewed alot. I don't see much of that nowadays, unless it involves money and the fact he has to give me some for the kids. He still avoids this responsibility.
That bit hurts, but I am surviving.
He has bounced throughout, and I have had the suicide threats every 3 months for about 15 months.
That is a long time, but somehow he snaps out of it and continues with the fantasy.
I often wonder if he lets OW see this side?
HUGS
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Interesting so many of us are in the same time range. My bomb drop was almost 22 months ago. Hmmm.
What some of you described is exactly what I am afraid of...the coming around stops and he reverts back. So I have not let myself get my hopes up in any way.
I also have finally, finally, finally digested that this whole thing, be it his issues or the way he has treated me, is his to fix. I have fixed whatever I need to other than the fact that I have one heck of an anger bone towards him now. I don't let it show though, or at least, rarely.
Should he fix himself, and fix what he has done to the relationship, then I will figure out how I can move past this whole ugly mess. Or at least as much as possible. Right now, I'm on hiatus, and he can do all the work.
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LML
It sounds as if your H, my H and WW H are all smelling the roses together and sharing their stories of horrendous marriages as they saunter through their tunnels. I hope they have plenty of sandwiches and coffee with them. This is one long trip :-\ :-\
xx
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JA, you make me laugh! I'm so glad that we all found this place and each other! I know it's a serious situation but it sure feels great when you can actually joke and laugh in the midst of this c*ap! I can almost get a visual of them all having their little sit down picnic and eating their sandwiches (perhaps picking their noses or telling each other stupid stuff) and later taking a nap. Ha, ha. Only in the land of MLC!
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Well, my h has been in MLC for just over three years. I can really relate to the "worse before it gets better" concept. I really believed that my H would never take the amount of time it takes for a typical MLC to run its course. I thought I was outside of what the majority had experienced.
There have been times in this journey that I would think he was acting and seeming so much better, then he would become angry and irritable....all directed at me. It took many times of this happening over and over again for me to realize it was a "cycle". He would be kind....then have to find a way to keep me at bay and then the anger would come out.
Two summers ago I thought he was coming out of his MLC. He seemed to be interested in taking a family vacation and was planning the trip with me. During the entire trip, he was withdrawn, stressed, and clearly unhappy. Back home, he was miserable and wanted out.
So, here we are. He moved out last month. Does he seem happy? Not at all. He scowls at me and acts angry when I try to communicate with him. He claims he is happier than he has been in years. Time will tell.
I think the big thing to remember when things appear to be improving is how consistent are they. It takes a long time for this to resolve itself. Anything that appears too quick, likely is just that and you are headed for a disaster later.
Just my thoughts.
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He claims he is happier than he has been in years. Time will tell.
YUP!
Mine is telling our children she is not depressed and that I am manipulating everyone to thinking there is something wrong with her.
Meanwhile she tells them that she want to commit suicide.
Still spends hours on the computer solitare games.
Has no joy in life.
Can't sleep or is always sleeping.
Hot flashes.
I agree it must be me!
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This is somewhat off the subject of worse or better for our MLC'ers but I needed to ask.
Has anyone had any problems with their adult children going thru anything like this? My youngest has gotten so bad since her dad left. She treats me horribly. Today it happened again and then she calls back about a hour later and acts as if nothing happened. She has hurt me so bad and has made me cry so much. She is acting like her dad in how she makes me feel that it is my fault and always has been. She puts he dad on a pedestal and treats me like crap. I am the one who has always been there for her and she is treating me this way. Any thoughts
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Hamp,
I can only tell you my experience. My adult daughter has seemed for apathetic about our difficulties. She seems to be more connected with her dad than she has been in a very long time.
My theory is this.......the MLC'er walks away from their spouse so easily....claims not to love them...made mistakes, etc. I think that it highly impacts our children. If they could walk away from us, why wouldn't they just walk away from them. I think they view us as a safety net because we haven't left, want to make it work, still love our spouses. In other words, are children know that we are not going to leave them and they feel secure in that relationship. They don't feel that same security with the MLC'er. The adult children are trying to maintain a relationship for fear that they will no longer be in their lives or have love withdrawn. At least that is how I see it.
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still - I have thought that also but I don't understand her anger towards me. It is like she hates me and wishes I weren't around. I thought maybe she would see that I am there but she seems to be condoning what her dad has done. She says she hasn't but her actions say something else.
It hurts so bad that My h rejected me and now my daughter. It is like it is happening all over again and she is treating me the same way my H did. She acts like it doesn't even bother her that I am so upset.
I just wish she would tell me she hates me and be over with it as to keep doing the things she does.
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Hamp,
I don't have children so this might be garbage or, it might be easier for me to say but....can I share my thoughts?
You didn't mention how you are handling this. It seems to me that she is testing you and learning from her father. I would put an end to this right now. I would not suffer nor tolerate the slightest disrespect from her. How? I don't know.
But what I do know is that she needs to understand that you can't do this to people, particularly those who you should respect, love and appreciate. It's no different than the boundaries we have to set for the MLCers. Some behaviors can not stand and some lines can not be crossed. I would let her know that while making sure she knows how loved she is.
Just my .02.
Good luck...
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Hamp im getting the same from my D20 shes all for h, to the point she wont tell me if she meets him with new baby, i after guess and when i ask her she lies and tells me dad texted her and asked her not to tell me......a few wks ago i had this out with h and he shown me the texts where my d was texting him asking him to meet her dad and baby.........my son as nothing to do with him but is constantly trying to turn me against h..................None of my 2 children want me to have him back saying what hes is wrong but yet my d sneaks off to see him and then says he dad tells her to.........h had it out with her the other week and asked her why she lied about meeting him guess what she hasnt texted to see him for 2 weeks..........Think shes trying to keep me and h apart and making stuff up so i dont have him back..............They think im stupid and were constantly arguing over it, however my kids pay nothing for living here and i think they feel if he comes back then he will make them pay there way, so there is method in their madness ............Ive told them both that its my choice and if they dont like it then they are adults and can find somewhere else to live xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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I feel so bad for those of you with older children, it becomes so complicated!
I wonder if it might help if you were to use some MLC tricks on your kids. Afterall, if MLCers are like teenagers, then actual teenagers might respond to LBS strategies: "I am sorry you feel that way, I will be happy to discuss it with you when you care to speak to me with respect." validation without agreeing or tolerating poor behaviour.
Also, (and this is not an issue with my much younger children) but I think if they were older I would have a very hard time not "expecting" them to take sides. It is perhaps a reflection of your D's torn loyalties ( remember your issues with your H are not hers, although they affect her) that she feels she needs to sneak around rather than just be straightforward with her. Have you tried telling her that you accept that it is important that she retains a relationship with her father - let her off the hook for wanting to see him and the baby? I don't want to make assumptions, I am very aware that you maybe already DO all of those things.
In different circumstances, when I was a teenager my mother involved me in marital difficulties she was having with my Dad and I resented it. I KNEW my Dad had problems, I KNEW he was often an a**hole to my Mother, but I felt enormous guilt about taking my Mother's side and I was sometimes quite rude to her. And as a teenager, still trying to make sense of the world, I wanted ONE of my parents to be the grown-up and look after my sister and me. My Dad had issues, and my Mother was so caught up in her own problems with him that my sister and I had our own emotional development overlooked frequently and, it often felt, callously. I am NOT saying anyone here is doing this, it is just I can imagine with teenager and very young adults one can easily have unreasonable expectations of them in terms of loyalty and maturity.
As I say, I do not have teenagers yet, so I have no real insight other than being on the receiving end of my parents marital strife and knowing the huge conflicts it created for me, emotionally.
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Also if I sound presumptious, I do apologise - it is around midnight here and I am probably too tired for writing properly considered thoughts...