Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Midlife Crisis => Our Community => Topic started by: zartheit on January 14, 2023, 09:45:21 PM
-
Hello,
I want to start by thanking everyone for their generosity, patience, and good nature. I've read many threads and the amount of compassion that comes through is admirable. I've greatly appreciated the glow of this community as a lurker.
Now, I'm posting because my life as I understood it exploded. A tale as old as time, just one I had never imagined before. My friends and family are exhausted, confused, and as understanding as they can be. I still feel the need to talk about my problems but realize it is more than they can handle. Here are my puzzle pieces:
M - 31
W - 31 @ BD (now 32)
Together ~12 years, living together 10, married 5
No children
BD - April 23, 2022 - doing drugs at a concert
June 7, 2022 - removes her ring to symbolize that she must prioritize herself, the alternative was a legal separation
August 18, 2022 - she stops sleeping in our bed
September 6, 2022 - she tells me she is moving out, and does so sometime between September 8 and September 11 (I was visiting family that weekend). It would have been our 12 year anniversary
OM - I don't know, but I assume so. Or maybe it's OW
It's odd to see the worst 6 months of my life itemized like that. Amazing how much pain can be packed into a few letters on a screen. Let's dive into the MLC mad libs where I contribute new faces and places. This will be long and rambling; I just want to type most of it out somewhere.
---- background, likely beginning of the end
Me and my wife had moved to a new state mid 2018 as I started a new job. We bought our first home. It was a great time. I felt that we grew much closer together that year. I now view this, paradoxically, as the start of our unraveling. We didn't have any friends or family in the area, my new job was incredibly stressful in ways I had not anticipated (i.e., poor management), and my wife was working from home. It was cloistered.
I noticed my wife start to exercise quite aggressively. She wanted to buy a motorcycle. She branched out and made friends with a local hobby group. Most of the people in the group were not in the best places mentally, but her best friend was a really great woman. Things seemed ok, even if I could sense a bit of distance. Things ebb and flow, right? I did nothing different.
The pandemic hits. I start working from home. We don't leave the house for days at a time. Sometime during this phase she proposes we move. Her work is offering a big promotion but she must be on-site for it. I think it is only fair as we moved for my job. I convert my position into a fully remote one, we sell our home, and move to another state in the middle of 2020. Throughout this process I can feel her annoyance with me. In my mind, relationship dynamics shift and responsibilities are malleable, even if I am feeling a bit strange about it. I do nothing different.
We move to an apartment in the city. We don't go out due to the pandemic. She is working from home, ironically. We see friends regularly, which is nice. She works more and more. I interpret this as her not feeling secure in her job. I try to reassure her while also helping her to create more boundaries for work. I imagine this fixer behavior was off-putting to her. I now also believe she was working more to avoid spending time with me.
Through her hobby group network she meets what becomes her best friend. This woman is pure drama, but seems nice enough.
She wants to buy a home. I am hesitant but eventually agree. She is aggressively house hunting online. We find a realtor and spend every day for a month driving to houses. We eventually get one. She wants to do some renovations before we move in. We move in sometime in September 2021.
---- bombs, landmines, and all things that go boom
Now is where the script is retrieved and it progresses as you'd expect. Early December 2021 her online presence massively shifts. She begins to save and share very juvenile things, depression jokes, that kind of stuff. In January she unveils to me 3 months of travel to take place in the summer. She works longer and longer hours. She goes into the office more and more. I confront her about this and hear in response "since covid is over, I just want to get out". I accept this, even if I feel quite uncomfortable with it. It has been a cramped few years.
We travel to see my family in early March, 2022. She works normal hours while there. No one notices anything overt but did say she seemed a bit sharper with me. When we get back, a friend of hers stays with us. We then go on a road trip with her new best friend and that circle. She is quite distant from me throughout. She then leaves on a work trip, returns just to flip suitcases and heads off to an out of town concert with a good friend she's known for years.
It is here where she texts me talking about how much she enjoyed doing various drugs. She uploads incredibly scandalous photos to her public profiles. Multiple people ask me if we're ok. With the bomb dropped, my stomach melts out of existence. When she returns I confront her about it and she interprets this as an attack on her spending time with her friends. I am controlling. This confrontation has me seeing that something truly insidious is lurking in our relationship, but that insight is quickly buried. After a few days I am in complete denial and take the entire burden on my shoulders. I have destroyed this marriage by not taking the trash out frequently enough.
I write her an apology letter. I outline mistakes I've made, how I didn't live up to my own standards, how I intend to do better. She tells me that she loves me and values the life we have together. I am immensely comforted by this.
The next few months are a slow burn, until they're not. She says she wants to date. I misinterpret this as I haven't been taking her out enough. I start organizing more and more dates. Things continue to go down hill. I get us into couples therapy, when she is in town. The therapist tells me that she needs to melt-down and cool-off. I have no idea what this means and he won't elaborate.
She starts being secretive. She radically changes her wardrobe and her hair. We stop having sex as she is not attracted to me. She loves me but more like a sibling. She starts using her phone nonstop. She tells me that our entire relationship, from the very beginning, is toxic. She tells me that she put too much effort into the relationship and she refuses to try any longer. She takes off her ring. She starts hanging out with the new and young employees after work. She starts going out every night and only coming home when the bars close. Sometimes she doesn't come home. She tells me that she lost herself in the relationship. She tells me that she can't be the person she wants to be around me. She starts buying very expensive things. She seems quite enamored with status. She attends drug-related weeklong retreats. She moves into the guest bedroom. She is pushing me away and pulling me close. She tells me that I can have a girlfriend. She stops talking to the friends of hers that I like. She tells me that she isn't cheating on me. Her best friend starts being openly disrespectful to me. She does more drugs with her new circle. She crashes our car and the next day tells me she didn't appreciate how I used the event to try and get closer to her (I sent a tow-truck to her, then picked her up, got us dinner, we spent the evening talking). She tells me she is not considering a divorce. A grandparent of hers dies and she says simply, "I can't take any more emotional turmoil right now"; I am not invited to the funeral. I am losing my mind, which apparently weighs 20 pounds.
I find sites like this one. I begin trying to detach but I am still arrogant and naive about the situation. Our situation isn't that bad. We're not quite there. We're the exception. I give her space as I understood it. I stop communicating with her outside of in-person interactions. I try to minimize those.
Things seem to steady out. Her summer trips of avoidance end. We have a few weeks of stillness. There are no escalations or fights. We are barely roommates. One weekend I go for a road trip. I return and tell her couples therapy is not helpful as we don't even know if we want to stay together. I sever our joint account aside from bills. I inform her that I am going to spend our anniversary with family as it is going to be a painful day for me. She says "this feels like an unraveling of us". I agree. She mentions that we feel separated. I agree and say "we are separated". I see hurt in her eyes but I don't ask her about it. She goes to work.
After work, we have our last therapy session. It is inconsequential. Afterwards she unloads on me. She interprets the phrase "separated" from that morning as me saying that I intend to file for a legal separation. She spent the entire day with her stomach twisting into knots. She tells me that she then accepted it and felt free. She did not bring this up in therapy. I validate her feelings and apologize for my miscommunication. I don't see her for 5 days.
When she returns, she tells me she is moving out. She tells me that she can't be in a relationship that doesn't prioritize her mental health. She tells me that she wants to leave the door open to dating in the future. She is planning to move out when I'm visiting family. I give her an anniversary present with a note. She refuses to let me read the note to her. This is our last conversation.
I return. She left no forwarding address. She left gifts I gave her over the years, including the anniversary gift. She took half of the spices. She took half the towels. She left a single poloroid of me sitting on the window sill in a completely barren room. This was one of the most difficult evenings I've ever lived through.
I later text her to remind her to move her phone number off my account. I sent an email asking to freeze her share of equity as she is no longer contributing to the mortgage; she agrees.
Her birthday is around this time. I get her a small, mostly symbolic, present, hand it to a mutual friend and ask them to give it to my wife. I ask the friend to not tell me if my wife accepts or not.
---- a view from the crater
After she moved out I had intense motivation, which has since faded. I re-arranged the house. I went camping alone in the middle of nowhere. I went to a concert overseas on a whim. I have been lifting weights regularly (squatted 210 pounds at my max). I go for walks daily. I journal daily. I started writing again in general. I attend therapy weekly. I have a morning ritual of meditation, tea, and reading before work. I have been trying to embrace more desires, no matter how fleeting which has resulted in making soap, having a clock with only the seconds hand, and reading up on satanic panics throughout history. I have been intentionally more open and vulnerable with friends, and family. I have been sitting in the pain and discomfort, as much as I can. It's quite a feeling to be crying during a meeting.
I've had a number of epiphanies. I now accept that happiness is fleeting, which was a deep and unacknowledged fear of mine. What matters is showing up every day. I've taken quite the liking to Sisyphus. I now understand that I am not my emotions, or thoughts. My emotions are sensations just like vision. I choose to act on that information as I see fit; I am above simple reactions. I now understand that I am responsible for me in my entirety, which includes comforting myself. No man's an island, but the responsibility for my life is mine alone. I've stumbled across many similar emotional truths (who knew you could experience multiple emotions simultaneously, even "contradictory" ones!). All obvious in retrospect. I am grateful for this knowledge.
I feel anxious at times. I feel a wobble in my core at times. The future is menacing at times. I have days where I feel that the abstract idea of familiarity no longer exists, like it was removed from reality; everything around me has been replaced with exact replicas that are foreign, alien, and frightening. I am a mountain compared to the puddle of cartilage and bone sobbing on the bathroom floor sometime in June. I am proud of where I am even though I recognize that I am nowhere close to where I want to be.
---- current day
I haven't communicated with her in over 3 months. She's never initiated any contact. I see that she is still posting the same type of content on her profiles. It's a mix of hyper-sexual, depression, lacking money, and juvenile content. She stopped communicating with any of our mutual friends, as far as I can tell. I don't ask them about her. I am assuming this means she is a vanisher.
I recognize she might be a bit young for MLC. That being said, my wife's father is currently an alcoholic to the point that it is impacting unrelated medical treatments. I imagine he has been an alcoholic her entire life. Her mother is an emotional trainwreck and generally unpleasant to be around, even though she isn't malicious. The family moved when she was quite young (under the age of 3, I believe), which probably isn't helping the mix. She has threatened to go no-contact with her parents in the past. Maybe she has a personality disorder, maybe she is having a kind of identity crisis, maybe she's just living her best life. I have no idea.
I am still feeling attached, and generally depressed. I don't feel like a victim most days but the hurt is ever-present. I still want us to be together. I still think "we" can make it work. I have seen the threads. I can envision the eventual update and how this is likely to resolve, but I can't feel that now. I am frustrated about that but am accepting it is where I am. My current goal is detachment. I want to fully accept that she left me, that she has changed, that we are done. It doesn't feel real most times. I miss her.
-
I’m so sorry you’re here friend. Welcome to the club…
A few things that stick out here. She’s very young for typical MLC. But the rest smells so much like MLC.
Which makes me think her FOO issues run deep to present so young???? It was a long to read. Did I miss something about FOO? Sever childhood trauma?
Which brings me to my advice. I truly believe that letting go and moving on is what MAY have a chance at reconciling.
-
Hey Zartheit! So sorry you find yourself here. It's the club nobody wants to join.. Luckily there are a lot of lovely people on here to help you on your journey!
I'm a newbie aswell, 9 months in. My xH is also on the younger spectrum of the crisis/MLC (33 at BD, 34 now). I recognize a lot of behaviours of your W in my xH especially the suddenly behaviour change in drugs, wanting to date other people, heavenly focus on sex. You can alway read my thread, maybe it helps you :)
There are a lot of 'younger' newbies joining the forum these last couple of months. Is MLC 'changing'? Is it the pandemic.. I don't know but I find it really peculiar..
-
Dear zartheit
First of all, you are funny, very funny. I have destroyed this marriage by not taking the trash out frequently enough.
and your line about your mind weighing 20lbs made me laugh out loud. I say this bc it is all too easy to lose sight of who we are in this kind of chaos.
It is good to be reminded of all the folks who read along but don’t post who are also part of this tribe. Having said that, I hope you will find that posting your story will help you see two things clearly. That whatever is going on is truly not about you. (Or the trash lol) And how very far from a ‘normal’ marital problem this is, that it is a life tsunami not a wet afternoon. Which means you have very little control over it/her and that taking care of your own sense of normal and trusting it is important for your own wellbeing.
My take fwiw is to worry less (years on) about how we label things. I think MLC is a shorthand we can use here for what seems to us to be a rather extreme and unreachable kind of unravelling which is destructive and self-destructive. But it is less useful imho as a marital toolbox or a predictive guide. There are similarities in stories here, but also differences. With hindsight, most of us see some unresolved FOO baggage and cracks, some life triggers and a simmering period until the cap blows off. And then we tend to see a period of time when people we thought we knew very well do a whole bunch of things that we would have found unimaginable and that don’t make much sense to us for quite a long time.
I can see from your post that you have done some of the practical things we suggest you are wise to do. I can also see that you are only a few months past the big BD of her running off so I guess you are still reeling. How are you doing on the practical stuff like sleep, food, your emotional health etc? And any level of depression or anxiety which is pretty common for most LBS?
It isn’t for me, or anyone else, to tell you what to do with regard to your marriage. Your lens on that will unfold with time. But part of the process of detachment imho - and it is a process that takes most of us a lot longer than we think it will - is to wrestle with your own sense of disbelief or denial, to be your own reality fairy. Or use us as a spare until you can :) Be kind to yourself that detachment is a process, not a straight line. That most of us DO detaching long before we FEEL detached. That the gift of the reality fairy is acceptance but acceptance of things we do not want, don’t understand and can’t control is harder than it sounds.
Imho when spouses unravel like this, the only way to survive it is to make choices in how you live as if your relationship is dead in the water. Why? Bc that is the presenting reality. If that changes, you are on more stable ground anyway so it is a win-win. The gift of a vanisher is de facto quite similar to someone suddenly dying.....I found the emotions and process and time involved in getting up off my knees was quite similar too.
If you were more detached, whatever that means to you, what would that look and feel like? What would you be doing differently than you are doing now? What are your priorities currently?
-
Be kind to yourself that detachment is a process, not a straight line. That most of us DO detaching long before we FEEL detached.
That's some good truth right there. The doing detaching was one of the tools in my healing toolbox, for sure.
-
Woken up a bit more after coffee, so an extra thought.
You may want to consider changing your relationship with social media for a little while. Why? Bc reading whatever she is posting is probably not terribly useful to you and may be setting off some mind monkeys. Bc it will limit your temptation to post for effect in the hope that she is looking or driven by transient feelings. Bc the way through is about more things that are real and tangible and present in your life than the allure of virtual versions of these things. Bc you may be heading towards legal agreements down the line about money, stuff or more formally separated lives and most lawyers advise a cautious social media time out. Bc it pulls your eye towards what you can control and build and repair rather than what is more ephemeral in your life. Bc just bc we can does not mean we should. Bc there is a growing body of evidence that social media is not always good for our emotional health and we are all more vulnerable when we are healing. Jmo.
-
I am sorry that you went through the acute pain of BD and are dealing with the drawn out pain of loss. You do seem to have done the practical things to preserve your financial situation and have learned and applied strategies for self-care. From the peanut gallery I offer:
Until your W deals with her drug issue and FOO issues, your joint marital issues are not on the radar. Once someone goes down the drug path it is hard to disentangle the drug reliance from the FOO and the interplay requires expert intervention. As much as you care for her and about her well-being, you have ceased to be the person to "bring her to her senses", offer help or even lead her to help. At this point it´s like she cut communication with the home planet and will have to rely on her own set of tools to address the mess. It´s little consolation but in comparison to drugs and FOO, your shortcomings as a spouse are at most a gust not a hurricane.
If you choose the path of radical acceptance- that for now she is a mess, is gone and does not want you in her life, you can spend your daily allotment of physical and emotional energy on you- on lessening the pain of loss. The pain of rejection seems to fade way faster than the pain of loss. Finding some sort of outlet in the arts and one in terms of physicality help IMMENSELY. For me it was song writing and guitar with gardening and walks. The goal is to get out of the fight/flight pathway or at least do so when triggered into it. People in your daily IRL don´t seem to "get" the pain of this and on a good day that´s a good thing because it means they have not joined this club. But, on a bad day it seems like they are numb to your distress. I think that´s why this forum can be so helpful because of the shared pain. The only way past it is through it. Be kind to yourself.
-
Everything FTT said! The only way through is through, and it will not always feel as sharp as it feels today. That I can guarantee. The change happens so slowly that it's hard to feel, but in hindsight, you'll see significant growth in yourself.
I will offer this (and it's not a direction in any way to reach out and suggest to your spouse) - my xH was on the younger end in his 30s when all of the real madness started, and that's when he was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. It's not that bipolar or otherwise diagnosable people can't have MLCs; I think from the anecdotal evidence I've seen, it's actually more likely. But some disorders, like bipolar, share a lot of behaviors with what we call MLC. So what I'm saying is, your spouse may be dealing with something like that, that's not yet (or may ever be) diagnosed. Either way, YOU must do the same things to heal, so that's all that really matters. Big hugs because none of it is easy, but know you are capable of getting through it.
-
I'm no expert Ready, but I've heard that in a lot of bipolar cases, as with MLC, that the person who suffers from it often doesn't want those around them to point out that anything is "wrong" with them for want of a better word? Is that the case?
-
WHY, thank you for the advice. Trying to truly let go. There are so many layers that are grabbing on and it is hard to find them all, let alone do the work to force their claws open. One day at a time!
Which makes me think her FOO issues run deep to present so young?
She has a terrible relationship with her parents and essentially non-existent relationship with the rest of her extended family. Her father is an alcoholic and it'll probably kill him. Her mother has intense emotional problems. They moved when she was young, but I don't know exactly the age. I would guess under 5. I can imagine her parents neglected her, and she spent a lot of time in various daycares. I don't know if she had any physical, sexual, or verbal abuse as a child. If she did, we never discussed it. My heart aches for her if that's the case. I cannot imagine being married and not discussing those things with my partner, but I realize my imagination is not particularly imaginative.
titleholder, worst club to join, best club membership!
I read through your thread and appreciate the pointers to Eric Erikson and James Marcia! I'm sorry to learn of your own tragic tale. You xH must inhabit a dark place if his own daughter has no effect on his selfishness. The position you find yourself in is not fair. Your strength and resolve are impressive. I find comfort in hearing of your deeds, even if the context in which they're drawn from is so unfortunate.
Treasur, thank you for the compliment. I always thought of myself as playful and was hoping this season of my life wouldn't diminish that. Your words of encouragement and perspective were helpful. I never fully appreciated how soothing validation was and you've poured me a vase full.
How are you doing on the practical stuff like sleep, food, your emotional health etc? And any level of depression or anxiety which is pretty common for most LBS?
I sleep a few hours at a time before I wake up covered in sweat rapidly forgetting strange dreams. I am currently procrastinating grocery shopping but will do that sometime today. My emotional health is way up now which has me frightened because I am anticipating the inevitable crash. I am a bit saddened by that realization. My anxiety is through the roof and I jump when I hear an unexpected sound walking around town. The depression comes in waves; I'm at low tide for the moment.
If you were more detached, whatever that means to you, what would that look and feel like? What would you be doing differently than you are doing now? What are your priorities currently?
These practical questions are insightful. What would I be doing differently? Nothing... Well, maybe I'd file for a separation or a divorce. What would it feel like? Like she was just another person and that my life was not impacted by her actions. Both of those things are true at this point in time. I think I need to steep in the discomfort of the situation and appreciate the current landscape for the benefits it is providing.
You may want to consider changing your relationship with social media for a little while.
Great point. I was good with this until recently! Logging out as I got enough drama without having my buttons pushed by robots.
Reinventing, thank you for the emphasis and confirmation I am on the right path.
forthetrees, you are right. Earlier I was upset that she wasn't bringing her problems to me and now they're beyond whatever help I could have given. She's gotta figure this out on her own. The image that was playing in my head was wandering through the wilderness but I like your intergalactic take more.
The pain of rejection seems to fade way faster than the pain of loss.
Damn. I think I'm at that junction now. This helps explain a few feelings. Thank you.
People in your daily IRL don´t seem to "get" the pain
Yes, I can verify this. A good friend of mine was frustrated hearing of my relationship so I stopped bringing it up. Sometimes he'll ask about it and it always ends up being a frustrated conversation.
Ready2Transform, thank you. Patience is something I'll be needing to learn. As for bipolar, that would make sense. I've had a mutual friend quietly speculate as much, but I believe I overheard her internal thoughts more than an intentional point on her part.
-
I'm no expert Ready, but I've heard that in a lot of bipolar cases, as with MLC, that the person who suffers from it often doesn't want those around them to point out that anything is "wrong" with them for want of a better word? Is that the case?
You better believe it! My xH tried to convince his psychiatrist that he was actually not bipolar. ::) He eventually took himself off of his meds cold turkey (bad choice!) and stopped going. BD followed.
Ready2Transform, thank you. Patience is something I'll be needing to learn. As for bipolar, that would make sense. I've had a mutual friend quietly speculate as much, but I believe I overheard her internal thoughts more than an intentional point on her part.
Understood. I've had friends too that have had bipolar partners that tried to dissuade me from standing initially. There are pros and cons. On one hand, a manic episode will likely end sooner than later. On the other, the underlying bipolar disorder will never just go away. It's all just so complicated. But time and self-focus help you get in a better spot, no matter what the outcome.
-
My anxiety is through the roof and I jump when I hear an unexpected sound walking around town.
I’d like to encourage you to take this seriously as opposed to just enduring it bc neuroplasticity is a real thing imho...we can habituate to anxiety unconsciously and you don’t want to do that, my friend. (And both anxiety and depression are pretty normal LBS responses, trauma reactions, so please don’t think there is anything wrong or abnormal about you xxx) What are you trying currently to calm your nervous system down? What works, what doesn’t? Any experience of anxiety or significant depression in your past?
Happy to talk more about things that might help if that’s useful.
-
This is a lot quicker of an update than I would have expected... I received an email from my wife asking for a divorce. It was all business and could have been a work email. This is our first interaction in around 4 months. She found an amicable divorce package and filled out her side. She is proposing we each keep whatever we have, as our finances are already separated. It's very reasonable, very fair. She'll even cover the fees. All I need to do is fill out my side and wait a few months.
I don't know how to respond. I am not going to block, hinder, stall, etc, this process but I also don't want this. I would like to have an in person conversation. While that sounds reasonable to me, I don't know what I'd get out of such a meeting. I'm not looking for answers, not really. I guess I'm thinking if she can see me and hear me it would have an effect on her (I know I know; I've got work to do). If I'm being honest, it feels like she made this decision a long time ago.
I also feel no relief. I was hoping if it came to this that I'd feel free. I do not. I've got work to do.
I don't know what I am expecting to get out of posting here. I guess I can share my feelings in case someone stumbles across this in a similar situation. I'm upset. I'm not distraught like I was when I came home to an empty house on our anniversary, or even when she dropped the bomb. I'm proud of myself for that. I'm hurt that, in my interpretation (I know I know; I've got work to do) she didn't deem our relationship worth a single conversation. The last thing she said to me was "I can't be in a relationship but I want to leave the door open", and then I receive a cold email requesting a divorce. I thought I had let go of most of the hope but I now see just how much I've been keeping around.
And even with all that hurt, I know that I'll be alright. It doesn't make it any easier. Lifting 200lbs is still 200lbs, but you grow to handle it. I'm grateful for all of the advice on making changes for yourself, living a life for yourself, and focusing on your own future. I would not be in this place of (relative) peace had I not followed it. I have no regrets in how I showed up. Life is hard, complicated, and unpredictable, but I can look myself in the mirror and be proud.
I'm going to treat myself to dinner and watch a movie I've been putting off.
Treasur, everyone on my dad's side is anxious. I have no techniques to manage it aside from exercise and baths. Any protips would be appreciated, and thank you for all your concern so far. It makes me feel good to have a stranger show such concern.
-
I don't know how to respond. I am not going to block, hinder, stall, etc, this process but I also don't want this. I would like to have an in person conversation. While that sounds reasonable to me, I don't know what I'd get out of such a meeting.
That was my approach, and that of many others here. For some reason my ex-wife wanted me to contact my lawyer and start things. I replied that I wouldn't hinder things, but she knew who my lawyer was, and she could take the steps to initiate "her" divorce. I wasn't going to do it for her. I did talk to her once after she filed; as expected, there wasn't really a point, but I did feel that I had done everything I could, and I can live with myself.
I also feel no relief. I was hoping if it came to this that I'd feel free. I do not. I've got work to do.
Nope. Each one of these things is another shock to the system, or at least a good needle jab. I did find that recovery times are quicker. And what's she going to do to you now? File for divorce? Nope, she already did. Mediation wasn't such a shock, it was more of a WTF situation; we didn't see each other (she had moved, and it would normally be separate rooms anyway), but once she started telling lies to get more of a settlement, vs. her former fiercely self-reliant self, I knew she was in really bad shape. She didn't tell big lies, just enough to act like she was dependent on me for our entire relationship, and going to court in my state of residence would be a risky proposition due to legal precedents. But, I knew I could recover much more easily than she could. I just have a few more spousal support payments left, and then I'm all mine. (She shouldn't have gotten any support at all, just the split of existing assets.)
I have no regrets in how I showed up. Life is hard, complicated, and unpredictable, but I can look myself in the mirror and be proud.
When it comes right down to it, that's all we can hope for. Hang in there, friend.
JB
-
I’m sorry about this latest turn in events, zartheit, but I think your head is being very wise in questioning the benefit of some of your first emotional reactions about wanting to have a conversation etc. My only practical thought - bc I think you co-own a house - is that it may be worth a few hundred dollars to get a lawyer to cast an eye over any agreement you are making. Imho, when there are no kids, a clean break agreement is best if it is possible....no one needs to keep painful chaos in their life after divorce.
Reading between the lines, it sounds as if your stbxw has been hunting for external magic happy fixes for the last few years....moves, and houses and jobs along with some less savoury ones. This is just her latest attempt and it really says nothing about you or your wider value as a partner at all. Having said that, if you are an emotionally healthy broadly sane adult, this kind of discard and the losses that come along with it is painful. No getting around that....and it takes time to find your feet and emotional balance after it. But tbh, how your w handled this situation from beginning to end says a great deal about the kind of person she is and not much at all about the kind of person you are. Time and emotional distance will probably throw up some useful lessons though on what drew you to this kind of person or made some of her behaviour acceptable (ish) to you, and this will help you to grow a deeper perspective on your own values and boundaries.
But i’m sorry bc I know how painful this all must feel.
On the anxiety issue.
I think you mentioned seeing a therapist but I think it was in the context of marriage counselling? Unless you happen to find that person particularly useful, i’d suggest you drop that and find an IC who understands trauma and anxiety and who can support your own rebuilding. Part of that imho involves getting a fix on your own actual experience of anxiety and how it gets in your own way, before this experience and now. Bc it is hard to tackle something until we get a sense of the nature of the problem it causes for us. Imho there is a difference between living with anxiety as opposed to living after anxiety, but it is a chipping away kind of process that takes a bit of work and time. And sometimes that requires almost a kind of befriending of your anxiety and a bit of a dig into its roots in your own life experience. There are different things that work well for different people - some are physical like exercise, breathing etc and some are more about one’s mindset like CBT or NLP techniques that change your lens to create different feedback loops. But again imho, this stuff is hard work so you need an informed partner to support your own work who understands more about how anxiety works than you might do right now.
One of the things I found most helpful was to drop my own mental label a bit, or reframe it anyway. Why? Bc there’s a lot of shame and helplessness and self-blame that goes along with thinking of oneself as a person with anxiety. I found it helped to separate Me as a person from my amygdala....in fact, I called her Lucy the Lizard bc she seemed to have a mind of her own sometimes :)...but it helped me tremendously to see anxiety/fear as something my system experienced rather than who I was. A fine line maybe but an important one I found.
So find a decent IC who gets anxiety and trauma, who encourages you to navigate past it rather than just find ways to live with it.
Two books that helped me a lot.
Bessel Van Der Kolk’s ‘The Body Keeps the Score’ on how trauma creates certain responses that can getbus stuck, how our nervous system works and how it is a physical experience rather than a cognitive one, felt rather than thought.
And Russell Kennedy’s ‘Anxiety Rx’ that takes a really different and very practical take on what anxiety is and some different ways we can tackle it. He’s an MD, a psychologist and someone who has experienced anxiety long-term. It was eye-opening for me as I pulled myself out of PTSD not least bc it encouraged me to see anxiety differently
-
So sorry about the sudden cold email. I get the urge to have a face-to-face but having done that I would find a way to avoid it. My face-to-face was another opportunity to receive an emotional kick in the teeth.
She sent an email b/c she has already emotionally distanced herself. It could be cowardice, lack of caring, lack of respect, ignorance to the effect of the cold email or an intentional desire to inflict another blow. Some MLCers actually say that they do deliberately cruel things so that the LBS "will get the message." It can waste a lot of your time trying to figure out her motivation for doing it this way- is your time worth being spent on that?
I would be sure that the agreement is fair and that she cannot come back later and seek more from you- as in when you sell the house or retire some day.
Even while this whole experience was happening to me I could see that now ex had had way more time to process and was already steps ahead of me in disengaging. You are still processing the initial news and now have the added load of divorce finality. Give yourself the grace and space to process and in a sense the dissolution of the marriage was rigged in that she was planning for its demise way before she let you in on it. Not being given a chance to address issues is a basic unfairness of the experience and somehow, some way you find a way to put that aside in order to go forward in your journey. It never does become fair.
-
My face-to-face was another opportunity to receive an emotional kick in the teeth.
Even while this whole experience was happening to me I could see that now ex had had way more time to process and was already steps ahead of me in disengaging.
Agreed. Not only are they further along, but they are deep in a fantasy life that hasn't had time to unravel.
Do whatever protects you, especially now while you are getting yourself stabilized. You can always alter things in the future. Pay attention to how you feel and what helps you.
-
The generalization here is that a Do will not stop a reconnection/reconciliation down the road if that is something that BOTH parties want and the needed work has been done on both sides (mostly on the side of the MLC'er though). However, like the others have already said, it might be worth the added expense to have a legal eagle cast an eye over the documentation to make sure it is as amicable as you think it is and fair.
I too had a bit of the JB experience where my MLC'er wanted me to do the work for her D and I simply said "No, I do not want a divorce but I will not stand in your way. I will not, however, do the work nor will I take the responsibility." It ended up taking her nearly 2 years to complete the process but it was, in the end, HER divorce and she has to won the results and the consequences. I filled out and returned all the required paperwork as soon as I got it so there could be no accusations of stalling on my part.
-
JohnnyBravo
I made a joke about "spousal maintenance" in my reply to her. Sorry you are having to pay those bills.
Treasur
I am seeing my own therapist. We just talk, which feels weird, but it seems to be helping. It's not hurting, at any rate. I do appreciate your characterization of Lucy. Your understanding has likely inspired my own formulations of the "other" aspects of myself. It's all super unintuitive!
Also, adding these books to my queue. Thank you.
forthetrees, Reinventing
Thanks for the perspective. I did not ask for a meetup. I don't regret it.
UrsaMajor
It's such a strange place to be where marriage is just a piece of paper. I am slowly wrapping my head around it. And thanks for sharing your own experience. I'm with you, this is all on them.
Here's some classic journaling. I'm feeling good today. I have had a very busy few weeks.
I didn't ask to meet up with her. I filled out the form and attached it to an email after getting a shrug from an attorney. She never replied. I've still not heard anything back about the divorce. It's funny to read about this type of behavior and then be IN it. I'm not deluding myself as she's likely waiting for a jolt of adrenaline to pull the trigger. I'm sure it'll happen but who knows when her internal kaleidoscope will align on it.
I celebrated my birthday by (attempting to go) hiking. I went into the middle of nowhere and got my car stuck in snow. I was rescued by a prison work crew. Great group of guys, hope they didn't murder anyone. I was in the area of where me and my soon-to-be-ex wife used to live and decided to visit our old house and neighborhood. I felt... nothing. The memories came up and I appreciated them. That was it. I felt almost disappointed, strangely enough. I had a fantastic time even if it wasn't the day I envisioned.
After that I attended a monster truck rally and wore one of those hats that can hold two beers. I received an intense amount of eye contact and many compliments. It was a great evening.
Following that I got back into a light groove at work. I'm not nearly as focused as I used to be, but I was able to make some progress on a project. I also began on boarding for a part-time professor role I was accepted for. I am a lot more excited about this than I realized. I am nervous and looking forward to starting. I've never taught before so we'll see how that goes.
I sent her an email about taxes. She sent a robotic reply and then complained about the weather. It felt incredibly strange, which makes sense. I didn't dwell on it.
I am feeling quite up at the moment. That being said, it has not been smooth waters this whole time. My wife and I made a blanket together a few years after we began dating and it has been on my bed this entire time. One evening I leaned into symbolism and ritualistically unmade it. That was quite an emotional night and it rocked me for a week. I believe it was the right decision.
Here are some (believe it or not, this is heavily summarized!) of the thoughts I've had ripped from my personal journal, in chronological order so you can see the cycling.
I just told myself, "Sorry <zartheit>". I felt better. I never realized *I* could do this. I always thought it had to come from someone else. It could only MEAN something if someone else anointed it. For some reason, I believed me saying it felt like a lie. No, not a lie. It felt like a ghost. It must be given some corporal form, and that was other people saying it. Now I know it is all inside me. I can actuate those same regions myself. Tightening feedback loops. This is obvious in hindsight... I process the sound, so something internal must massage those regions. I don't know why I refused to attempt that myself.
At one time I feel that it is over, that she has hurt and betrayed me deeply for no reason. I am scared, sad, lonely, hurt. At other times, I have compassion for her. While she did hurt me she is a wounded animal. She is thrashing in her own pain and I was standing too close. And at other times, more rarely, I don't care about her. She is a fool. She is truly lost. She is delusional. Other times, I am angry with her.
Some times, I think she is doing this FOR ME. She loves and cares about me so deeply that she is playing 4D chess, and the only way to help ME navigate her crisis is to set me free so I can't see her destroy herself. I recognize the thought as cognitive dissonance to ease my suffering. People are not that complicated. No one would take such an insane gamble. No one would do anything so insane with that as the objective. But I am trying to be compassionate for myself. To truly feel such a thought shows how deeply I love her, how deeply I'm hurt. Loving someone is NOT a weakness. Having compassion for someone that wronged you is NOT a weakness. Wanting to see the best in someone is NOT a weakness. All of the origins of this thought are rooted in immense strength, compassion, and love. These are beautiful. I am trying to apply these gifts to a situation that does not involve me. There is no weakness, only more attachment than will serve me.
Reality is big and complicated. I am carving out tracts, little wormholes through an apple. My tunnel is minuscule. I'll never be able to comprehend the orchard, let alone the planet. I'm ok with that. I always wanted to scale the meta without end. I now recognize that I won't. I can't. No one can. I can push it a bit but that's all I got. I'll have to put my faith in something wider, a process. I guess this is why people have children, go into government, etc. I see the motivations now. The desire to touch infinity.
I used to believe that to feel your emotions was to give in to them and be driven by them. Emotions were volatile, unpredictable, dangerous. You had to live the stoic life INTERNALLY, not just externally. I now understand that is not the case. Emotions are senses that must be acknowledged. They are individuals. They have their own needs. You must parent them. You're time-sharing your consciousness, be a good steward and make room for all parties that may occupy the driver seat.
I no longer view myself as a unified whole. I view myself as a collections of strategies, personalities, quirks. Basically a twitching mass of ancestors wrapped in skin. This isn't good or bad, just how it is. It makes treating the various emotions with compassion much easier. I truly BELIEVE the emotions now. I sit and listen to what they have to say, even if I don't like it, am frightened or disgusted by it. And once I sit with that information for a bit, I can see the utility in it. I've ALWAYS been able to see the utility in it. The pettiness, the meanness, the hatred. All of these things have their utility. And I appreciate that, where they're coming from.
I am trying to be a good steward. I am listening to the input of everyone involved in the enterprise. All of their feedback is useful, which doesn't mean to say that it will be used. A lot of these emotions would work fantastic in different situations. I am glad that I can adjudicate their application. I am glad the information was presented to me. There is no shame. These strategies are all valid, somewhere. All I need to do is decide where that is.
My love for her exists. I feel it. I feel it deeply. It is... heavy, massive, it is the sun. And I've placed this star in a box. I've put that box on a shelf. I hung that shelf in a basement. I will sometimes peek into the box but I won't be blinded by it. It doesn't serve me. I appreciate its beauty, its depth, its vastness, its power. It is inspiring that I can create such a thing. I will never be ashamed of this. I will never apologize for this. But I will not be driven by it either.
I do not believe she will "make it right". I do not believe she has the capacity. I do not believe she has structured her life in any way to reach such an understanding, let alone to go through with the hard work of realizing it, manifesting it. She is a beautiful and damaged soul. I love her, flaws and all. But love isn't enough. Her flaws have proven quite dangerous and once burned twice shy. Will she put on rubber caps to those spikes? Will she file down the spikes? Will she embrace the spikes? Will she be delicate and mindful of the spikes? I don't know. I don't need to know. She has my address.
It's all hurting again. It's hard. The future is a bit concerning. I feel lonely and small. I feel weak, like a failure.
I am thinking of her, again. What is she up to, why did she do it, what is in her head. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.
It all feels... REAL again. It's like her being gone was summer break or something. Now it feels just real. I imagine I'll phase in and out of this for a while. It's always a gut punch.
At these times I get nostalgic. I want to feel her. I want to sense her. I want to look at photos. I want to hear her voice. I know it won't help me. The allure is so strong. It's like, I might be able to just WILL us back into existence. It's cargo-cult relationship building. Revisit all of the hotspots and magically spawn a new us.
These cycles are the process. You're up, you're down. You think the same thought every day and every day you comfort that same thought. It feels like you're not going anywhere, but you're just nudging that mindset along. The work is doing the same thing every single time. It's making the choice every single time. Well not every single time, but the attempt. To recognize and to apply as much as you're able. Like a coach blowing a whistle and having to do push-ups constantly throughout the day.
I miss the deepness of the hurt, the sharpness of the pain, the utter desolation of the loss. It was so pure, so simple, so straightforward. All I had to do was survive. A victory was one foot in front of the other. I could take pride in getting out of bed.
Now I'm back in the land of light AND shadow. The nuance of grey strains my eyes.
I'm now back in the driver seat of my life. I miss the clarifying drive of roadrash. I miss the comfort of the chauffeur.
I'm unhappy. I'm waiting for happiness to strike me. What am I waiting for? Why am I waiting?
It doesn't feel right. I must wait for it to feel right. Why? Why must it feel right?
I don't know. I recognize that there isn't really some causal chain. But it feels like there is. If then. Implication.
If there is no implication, what am I waiting for? Why not be happy right now?
I don't know.
It's not right. It's not fair. It's not just.
And it doesn't matter. It hurts. It's hard. It's painful. But you're stronger.
It doesn't make it fair or right. The whole situation is unacceptable, and yet that is exactly what you must do. And that recursive chain is completely tarnished with this injustice. It will NEVER be condoned but this is how it is. You are able to shoulder this burden of injustice, not because it is right or because you deserve it, but because of your strength. Your strength of will, of character, of virtues and spirit, shine through this black cloud. None of this is right, but you can persist, and you will.
You miss her. You want to be over her, beyond her. You want this now. Fast. Quickly.
But that isn't how it IS. That isn't where you ARE. That isn't life.
Life isn't fun. Fun is a part of life. You want to move on so you can have fun, but that would be skipping out on a part of what life IS.
So let's just sit in this discomfort, in this liminal space. We won't be here forever and we may never come back here. Why not appreciate this experience for the unique slice of life that it is? Why not be grateful that we were able to sample and endure such a trial? It doesn't mean we enjoy it, or want to repeat it, or even recommend it, but it does mean that we can feel all of its contours for what they are: a novel experience.
I love her. I FEEL that incredibly deeply. It is such an intense emotion. It is REAL. It is VALID and TRUE. But more importantly, it means NOTHING. I love her and I get to choose what to do with it. And I don't have to do anything.
I am feeling these waves of intense anxiety in my gut. Nothing sustained, just blooming sloshes of dread. I had the thought, "this is uncertainty" and then "I don't want to feel this". But I am feeling it. I can't control that. I can't control anything. All I can do is apply meaning to the feeling, to interpret it. So how do I want to interpret uncertainty? By bracing? By dreading? By fearing? Or by leaning into it, by acknowledging it, by being excited by it, by saying "I don't know and I am excited to try and find out"? It is firetrucking INSANE to me that this is the technique, but I think it is. It feels right. Emotions are just raw signals, I must interpret them. I choose to interpret them in a meaningful way. Fear is not meaningful in this context, but excitement is. I am excited for the future.
I don't know what will happen between me and her. Trying to cut through many of the layers, I don't believe it will work out. That isn't to say it is because of ME but because of her. I believe that I'll reach a point in time where I will want to move forward without her, not out of anger, malice, or hatred, but simply because she is weighing me down. I don't know if I'll get there. I don't know if she'll ever get where I need her to be. But for the moment, those answers don't matter. I have enough to keep my occupied.
I miss companionship. But I really don't need it right now. If and when that changes, I will feel free to update my approach. No pressure, no sadness or anger. Just a reflection of the current state of affairs.
We're all just sand-castles on the shore. At every layer of our existence.
Ritual, ceremony, tradition all revisit these castles and touch them up. We dip back into the context and remember. We create art to capture the feeling of these contexts to hang on our walls and remind us of those pilgrimages.
All of this is to recreate that feeling. To tap into that programming. This is who I am, this is what I believe, this is what I value.
Daily life gets us busy, distracted. We drift. And all the while, those sand castles wash away, grain by grain.
To have a ritual around their restoration is to guard against the drift. To be inspired by these castles is to give inspiration to performing the rituals. Trying to create a fixpoint. Trying to reach eternity. Trying to stamp something permanent onto this disintegrating plane.
-
Wow zartheit, it is so great to read you observations. I am so glad that you have the tools to observe all these things that are going on. FWIW all the contradictions, swinging, shifts also happen to most of us (and definitely to me) and I can tell you that even six years out some remnant of most of what you wrote is still active inside me. But as you probably already know they lesson and become more congruent over time and you will find your new path.
-
Great journalling Z and so very accurate and normal on the waves and cycling we go through. I think the more we feel and address and acknowledge the sooner we get to the place that we can handle and move forward. It’s painful and I never thought it would end, but it does. It does get better. Gone? No, but better.
-
I think a lot of us here recognise or remember similar thoughts and feelings to those you shared here. As MadLuv says, they do settle down with time and it gets better and easier. Tends to take a bit longer than we imagine perhaps, but the internal rollercoaster does settle down. Does it all disappear? As others have said, maybe not….this was/is a life altering experience and it tends to affect our lens on the world longer term. Not necessarily in an extreme way, but it is tricky to see things in quite the same way one once did. I’m not sure if that’s a good or bad thing tbh - I think it’s just a thing. I don’t always like that - I rather liked my pre BD lens on quite a lot of life lol - but I accept it.
-
marvin4242, MadLuv
Thank you both for the reassurance. It's interesting how some black text can be so calming and make me feel "normal". You're both right, it does get better. It's almost frightening to admit that. I seem to have linked "getting better" with "wanting the relationship to end", and disentangling that took a long time, with most of it because I didn't want to.
Treasur
I agree. The way I conceive of myself is fundamentally altered. My view of the world is much more nuanced, contains more depth, but also the loss of innocence and naivety is missed. In a lot of ways it was quite comforting, but comforting in words and not actions.
Hello all. It's been a few months and I felt the urge to share where I'm at.
My first quarter as a professor is over and I'm mostly finished with grades. It was interesting being at the front of a class instead of in a seat. Not a bad experience but it didn't give me what I didn't even know I wanted out of it. That's alright. I'm glad I did it, even if I don't particularly want to teach another class for the time being. I now believe that, while I enjoy teaching people, I more enjoy sharing things I am passionate about. If the people I'm sharing with are similarly motivated it is an incredible moment, but when they're there because they want points it is more frustrating for us both. I did connect with a few students, which was quite valuable.
My "day job" is going ok. I'm not as focused as I used to be. It takes me a lot longer to get into a groove, and even hitting a groove is now quite rare. I've drifted to less technical tasks, but I'm hoping eventually I can dive back in. Time will tell.
As for relationships, this has been a strange development. A lot of my friends in the area I now see as "vacant". That's a pretty loaded term, so I'll rephrase and say that I'm not getting what I want out of some relationships. This has significantly altered basically all of my friendships. I did meet a new friend, which has been nice. It has further showcased how much effort relationships are and I find myself just taking the path of least resistance and keeping to myself. My own analysis of this is that I don't have the energy to sustain "being me" in front of tons of new potential friends--at least for the time being. Maybe that means that I truly haven't found myself as then I wouldn't find it draining to put myself out there. I don't know.
I've been writing off and on. Mostly some incredibly depressing poetry, but some essays and short stories as well. I go hiking usually every week. I tend to walk most places, which slows the pace down substantially which helps on two fronts. I've been reading a lot more fiction and poetry, which has been nice. I lift weights a few times a week and read some philosophy in between sets (On Liberty has been great for detachment, surprisingly). I meditate every morning and do some morning and evening affirmations. I feel like I have stabilized.
With respect to my wife, well... I guess it's the same story we're all familiar with. She has only initiated contact to say she wants a divorce (in such a passive way that it is genuinely worthy of a chuckle) but never followed up. I initiated some emails about filing jointly for taxes. Eventually we filed jointly, but went through an intermediary accountant. The whole interaction was quite bizarre. I believe that she is not employed but she kept emphasizing aspects of her job, or using her work as the reason certain things weren't possible, etc. I thanked her for her flexibility and that was the last I've heard from her.
I don't really see a way forward from this. I do still care for her. I would quite enjoy having her be a part of my life again but it feels like a fantasy, some way of soothing an unhealed wound that I'm not consciously aware of. I recognize that there is no crystal ball but it also feels damaging to hope someone that has made such decisions will eventually make completely different decisions. I truly cannot imagine her ever reaching out to me for anything. My understanding of her avoidance and codependency does not fill me with hope for her ever facing her share of responsibility in how our relationship ended. I suppose I'm craving clarity. I'm out of ideas for the time being.
And in other news, yesterday was my BD anniversary. A whole year, and I didn't even buy a cake. I remember how tense the house was in the weeks leading up to it, as I desperately denied it all trying to regain normalcy. The bomb itself was delivered unceremoniously right after lunch. She walks into my office to tell me she is no longer going to wear her ring as it symbolizes that she was putting the relationship above herself. This was her compromise. I asked "if this is the middle ground, what was the far ground?" and was told flatly "a legal separation". She always was a good negotiator, when she needed to be. We ended the conversation with an embrace and me telling her that I support her and want her to feel valued. I somehow kept it together throughout that but melted into the ground over the coming months. I believe I've now picked myself out of all of the crevices in the floorboards.
Not quite sure what I'm looking for. A year on, nothing is resolved. I could formally end it but I doubt it'd bring the relief I'm craving. Likewise, I'm doing quite well. I struggle some days but it feels much different. I appreciate those heavy and "ugly" feelings. We sit with one another and grow to better understand. I had a recent day where I was sobbing nonstop, but even that day wasn't quite so bad. I've grown to trust myself in ways I didn't know was possible, and see how much more I want to grow. I allow myself to take up space in ways I was frightened to and most people around me seems to respond positively to that. I have a routine but it isn't rigid. I miss the intimacy, the connection, the sense that someone knows and cares for me, but I'm realizing more and more that those were numbing agents for my own fears and insecurities.
Things are different but they're not bad. I never would have imagined, let alone expected, to be where I am, but I'm ok.
-
I'm down this morning. I'll jump right to it and attempt to drain what is swirling around in my mind.
Yesterday was a Good Day. I was buried in work and finally identified the issue I had been hunting. I went to meet someone for coffee to answer questions about an open position on my team, which went quite well. I get back and notice a large white envelope in my mailbox.
I know exactly what it is. I open it and find papers with helpful notes and friendly labels and thoughtful explanations prepared for by a company specializing in uncontested and simple divorces. I read over them a few times and internalize absolutely nothing of substance. I note her signature on July 24. I note the last communication we had was in April initiated by me for taxes. I see she wants to be removed from the mortgage and gives me roughly 2 years to do it. This implies a refinance within 4 years (at the latest) of having acquired the loan. Thanks babe.
At this point my stomach was a boiling kettle with flames licking up into my neck. I could feel it in my arms and hands. I paced for a bit. And then it relented. I began to call my support network but didn't get what I needed out of those interactions. I put on my sad-girl playlist and cooked myself dinner to the refrain of "how could you?"
I'm ok. It sounds absurd. I am imagining myself reading those words at bomb drop, when she took off her ring, when she moved out... I remember that utter terror, alienation, "wrongness", and can truthfully say: it gets better. It's not easy. The emotions don't shrink, you just grow. You don't become (what I imagined) a zen monk (would be). You don't enjoy, or like, or relish the experience. You simply experience it.
This isn't what I want. I doubt I'll ever understand. I can't imagine I'll ever get an explanation that I can understand. Another mystery to add to the collection. That's ok.
Looking over the past year, I have no regrets. Well, no big regrets. Sure, I have tactical re-imaginings. Different phrasings, more this, less that, whatever. It wouldn't have changed anything. That's fine. I see this as a natural desire for improvement more than a starter motor on the rumination machine. For the big stuff, I showed the firetruck up. I feel immense pride at how I handled this situation. I would not really change any of that, which is another absurd thing to imagine reading. I can safely close this book. I don't need to re-open it. It is settled. It is resolved. I did everything with the purest of intentions. I don't trust, I KNOW that is all I could have done.
What emotions do I have? Likely the same at bomb drop, now that I think of it. Unlike bomb drop which was staring into the sun, this is looking at a high-resolution photo from a radio telescope while sipping tea. Everything feels so much more orderly. A simple line instead of a riot. I feel that betrayal. Hurt and confusion. Immense confusion. I feel disappointed. How could something so beautiful receive such a pathetic end? How did I fall in love with someone capable of this? What did I miss? The shame at being a participant in a failed marriage. That fear. I'll never escape this feeling, I'll never be connected with another person, I'll never never never.
I let these emotions run through me. I serve as their conduit patiently transmitting whatever they need to express, grateful for the opportunity to feel so deeply. Life is good. Life is good as an axiom, a tautology. I have my sweet cat popping in every once in a while to interrogate me as to why I'm not rubbing her. I have my desk, my music, my books, my notepads. I cannot imagine giving all of this up, burning all of this down.
I'm late for work and I'm ok with that. I'll cancel some meetings, go to the gym, and get something nice for lunch. I'll probably write whatever is compelled to come out and take a bath, maybe hang out with some people. Tomorrow I'll go buy those stained glass materials I've been wanting and putting off. Sunday I'll lounge around and read. It's all good. I'm ok.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TaxXSyHgbRQ
-
You sound pretty solid, all things considered.
You might be feeling worse, the same or even better by the time you read this. Bc those ‘white envelope’ moments are a gut punch, aren’t they, and can stir up a whole sludge of emotions.
I’m presuming that legally you feel sufficiently secure that you have no need for your own legal/financial advice? Do you want to keep the house you bought together or would it suit you better to sell it, split any profit and buy somewhere else of your own? Just a reminder though….you don’t have to agree to the current proposal just bc she wants it that way if there is anything in it which is not in your own best interests.
Like you, but years on, there is a great deal that I don’t understand about what happened and why. Not bc I didn’t try lol, but bc it was ultimately incomprehensible to me based on my own experience to date and the information available to me. Like you, I found a way to accept that eventually and make peace with it. I suspect longer-term it will matter to you that you have no big regrets about how you responded to your wife throwing a big grenade into the middle of her life and yours….that you know you did your best in a pretty impossible situation. And that is not nothing, is it?
-
You sound like you have gone through the fire and have been forged and tempered- that tempering makes you strong, not brittle. The mystery of it all does not seem to fade with time though the acceptance of having no answers does increase. Part of me hopes for the Hallmark moment of apology and explanation, or at least an explanantion:)
If you google, "Williams and Byrne glass painters method", you will find an AMAZING trove of information about stained glass- these guys are true masters and have on-line resources and newsletters.
-
So, on the home. You stated that she wanted to be off the mortgage requiring you to refinance. I don't know how much equity is in the house, but if she is only asking to be removed and not asking for equity I would jump on that. We had a home and a condo. I kept the home and he kept the condo. The home had by fat the most equity which I got. I’m sorry you are facing that white envelope moment. All your feels are completely normal and understandable. It is all just so hard to grasp sometimes where the tipping point started in them that got us here.
-
Thank you all for the care and advice. It's more comforting than makes any sense to me, not that I'm complaining!
Treasur
I'm tired of moving. I'm tired of change. I'm tired of marking time periods by "the <x> house", "the <y> apartment" instead of years. I'm going to sit and pay the mortgage, as obnoxious as it is, until something changes. I don't quite know what my conditions are, but I just want to focus on as few things as I can get away with for the time being.
But to answer your actual question: the deal isn't a bad one, as uncomfortable as it is for me. I had a lawyer review it and voiced my complaint to which he replied, "you are NOT going to get anything better from a judge". I signed the paperwork and dropped it in the mail. I expect to receive my divorce certificate in the mail sometime in December. It's not quite the gift I was hoping for, but I am trying to be more grateful these days.
forthetrees
I am embarrassed to admit how much I long for an apology. "I am sorry. I am sorry I did this. I didn't know what to do and I handled it in the worst way possible. I am sorry." I have a few of these scattered around in my journal and I don't know why I think they would do anything for me. I still want them.
Thank you for the protip! This all looks great. These dudes seem like they've done this before.
MadLuv
Nice work on the home/condo trade!
Initially she just wanted to be removed from the mortgage and I told her that I wouldn't do that as long as we were married. When she moved out like a week later I pitched a deal to which she accepted, which was half of the equity at the time when she stopped contributing to the joint account. What a romantic I was! I guess I don't strictly regret the approach, as it was incredibly fair, but to anyone reading this: you can't nice them back! Oh well. It at least doesn't hurt my ability to sleep at night.
And some classic journaling. I had a... rough few days. I almost forgot that a person could feel like this. I feel that most of my posts are somehow triumphant and I want to be more encompassing and share some of the lower points.
Yesterday I was on edge from everything having this isolating and antagonistic verve. That loneliness was bearing down on me with the weight of the entire sky. I don't like this. I don't like that this is my life. I don't want this. I'm tired of this being real. I just want it all to go away. Whether or not she is even in my life, at this point. I want certainty. I want to feel differently. I am so tired of feeling like this. Everything feels so hard. It's a cold and uncaring universe. Abandoned in the desert. I want comradery and music and lush vegetation. The sharp pain of her betrayal seems to be internalized and processed, which leaves space for the overwhelming aching grief of the loss. I didn't quite realize this until the end of the day.
Today I wake up and the sorrow attacks. I can barely work in spurts. I am frightened to leave the house. I sit with myself and do my best to soothe the fear. I negotiate a deal to go to the grocery store and postpone working out for another day. I feel immense pride as I grab a bag and walk down the street, a personal cheering section in some corner of my head. I have tears streaming down my cheeks as I enter the store. I haven't been this low in probably 9 months, but the growth is in the gentle nudging and compromise and movement; the belief that this void that swallowed me will eventually vomit me back out.
She is gone. She left me. She has made this choice, as confusing as it was for me. She committed herself to a series of steps, all in the proper sequence, to sever our relationship as thoroughly as she was able. This isn't a mistake or a fleeting urge. It is a choice that she has made and slowly ratcheted towards.
And I still want her. I am doing my best to be kind to myself and try to understand that more fully. I've disentangled the need for her to love me as a metric of my value, the regrets as a method of controlling intimacy to prevent future pain, and my own love freely given. I can see more of her faults instead of just my own now. My thought is "oh boy, how will we work through these?" instead of "well, at least now I know what to look out for". I don't know what I expect, but it feels a bit frightening that I am still holding on so tightly to someone that has divorced me, that clearly does not want me and communicated that quite explicitly at this point. It feels like I am grabbing a burning log from the fire. I don't know how to let go.
There is nothing left of us. I wish we could just... sit in the same room how we used to. I wish I could feel her soft skin. I wish we could laugh together, be playful like we always were. And I likely won't ever even hear her voice again. Never again.
I'm hopeful that this wave will crest soon. I'm doing what I can to swim along the swell instead of to flail with fear. I've swallowed less water than in past cycles, but I still haven't developed a taste for the exhaustion and terror. It would be nice if I could surf. Switching metaphors, I read a book called "We Were Made for These Times" in which the author talks of hunkering down in the roots of a tree during a storm. I'm doing my best to head from the leaves and limbs to the safety of those deep roots, at least for now.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gqDaufvk6DU
-
That was powerful.
I know those feelings well. It had to matter. The answer is it did.
Facing the harsh reality of the one you loved most planning to leave but not telling you is gut wrenching.
To be certain of your love but to not have it returned is an exquisite type of pain. But I would rather feel it that be numb.
But to feel. To be alive. And to have loved. What a gift it was.
-
It sounds as if you have past personal experience of depression and anxiety?
I am going to strongly encourage you to prioritise your mental and physical health right now bc it sounds as if you are currently experiencing depression, anxiety and grief. Which is normal. But needs to be treated with respect imho so it is a patch not a pit.
How?
Get an IC if you don’t have one, ideally one that understands how to work with trauma. The focus should be less on why you are where you are, but more on how you safely navigate through where you are.
Start doing small things every day whether you want to or not….physical things….focus on sleep, food, fresh air, moving your body to move your mindset.
Doesn’t matter what you do….different things work for different people….experiment until you find one’s that work for you. Make appointments with yourself to do x at y time and just do it. Forgive yourself the odd fall and keep going anyway.
And mental self care? Think of it as a 3 month programme….small things again….little routines…..get up at the same time each day, write 3 things you are grateful for every day, keep a journal, listen to music, spend time with people who are kind and nice, find things that give you glimmers of pleasure whatever that is for you, try a few tiny new or different things, set yourself some small goals, paint a room in your house or buy a new sofa you like. And it’s ok if they are teeny tiny small bc these things add up without you noticing! The tricky bit is doing them until you see that :)
I know you can do these things bc you told us already that you did initially.
Think of it as being a short stay in the emergency room of life and physiotherapy afterwards to get back on your feet.
Do whatever makes you feel a little bit safer and a little bit stronger at the same time.
And, for now, avoid booze, drugs, appealing women and big upending life decisions that can’t easily be changed :) There will be time for that….but this is not that time. This is like a kind of winter in preparation for spring.
You probably have hundreds of questions screaming round your head about why your wife did what she did in the way that she did. Normal again. You have done tremendously well imho to accept that she did do those things and that most of it was outwith your control. Most of the questions you have currently will go without clear answers for a while; some may never be answered exactly. Your job now is to focus on how to make peace with what you don’t understand or know and drag yourself to solid ground anyway. With time, this gets easier to do. The same is true for grief….I’m not sure that grief ever entirely goes away but it gets smaller as the rest of life expands around it.
I’m going to recommend a couple of books if you’re a reader….
Second Firsts by Christina Rasmussen.
The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk.
We get how dark and grim this chapter feels but we can also promise you that it will not always feel how it feels today.
-
Thanks zartheit for sharing that piece of music. I had not heard of that musician before. Goes perfectly with my cappuccino this morning.
It hurts so much and for so long. We can all relate to the way you have described how you are feeling. It seems that we start to feel "better" then wham, we feel those intense thoughts and feelings, it's hard for others to understand. Seems many people "divorce" and do not seem to go through quite this much pain.
I function better when I understand what is happening to me. The things we feel are the body's way of regulating, responses designed to "protect" us from threats..the sympathetic nervous system gets turned on and if it stays turned on continuously, that creates many of the physiological and mental things that we feel.
It wasn't for years before I was introduced to the idea that I had "PTSD"...I thought that was just for war veterans or rape victims....but indeed our whole blew apart without any warning and was completely out of our control.
My therapist, who specialized in trauma and mind/body connection introduced me to this polyvagal theory chart...and I could relate to what was written in front of me...and somehow that helped me to understand what I could do to get back to the green zone...and switch off the fight/flight/freeze response.
https://lissarankin.com/polyvagal-theory-interoception-a-neuroscience-understanding-of-attachment-trauma/polyvagal-chart/
In earlier years, when feeling so down and distressed, I could hold out my hand and it would be shaking. I'd do all the things I was trying to do to feel better, go for a walk, yoga, have a massage, but sometimes I needed to take an antianxiety medication to break the intensity of the damaging feelings and physical manifestations.
An example from my story, I had received the separation agreement (we were legally separated for 9 years after BD before he texted me, yes sent me a text message, that he was divorcing me...there had not been any discussion about this, and really no reason why). The day I signed the separation papers and put them in the mail, I felt ok. That night I was vacuuming when I started experiencing chest pain, after 45 minutes, when it didn't subside, I went to the ER where they kept me in...turned out that I was having an anxiety attack thank goodness.....it came upon me completely out of the blue, I knew the papers were coming, I didn't feel distressed after putting them in the mail...just an example of how our physiology can be affected by this mess
Coming here, reading others experiences and being free to write about what I was feeling, receiving the support of others also was immensely helpful. And "time" that dreaded word eased the pain, lots of time, therapy, lots of tears.
I had not had any of these issues prior to BD. I was a pretty stable and very happy woman that was shattered by this.....I am still hyper vigilant, anxious and "sad" and these I attribute to the loss of something that was so right from my point of view.
I do believe that facing these fears/anxieties/depth of intense feelings eventually helps us to heal...but it also cannot be forced...we must feel what we feel, and grieve for as long as it takes.
I am sorry that you are feeling this, I hope you feel a bit better soon.
-
My experience was not unlike what xyzcf describes of her own.
Pretty stable, pretty happy, pretty optimistic, pretty resilient to that point for 50 years :)
Then my father’s death, BD, bats&it crazy stuff from my h and ow, my mother vanishing into dementia, cancer……that was my personal tipping point, it seems.
I was also diagnosed with PTSD a couple of years later. Looking back, it seems obvious but like xyzcf I thought PTSD was for war veterans or survivors of rape or terrorist attacks.
My hands shook for years….it was so noticeable that people commented on it. I didn’t sleep through the night for years. I would be startled by loud noises, even the sound of a phone. Couldn’t read easily. Couldn’t remember things. Couldn’t listen to music. Weird triggers. And all despite my very best efforts at the time to do the basic sensible things.
Like xyzcf, I found understanding how the brain and body react to trauma was very helpful. The article she attached is gold imho. It helped tremendously to understand that it was not a failure of character but a systemic response, and that there was a way out to the other side of it. I would say I am about 95% better now, maybe a bit more, after getting EMDR and following that up with a slow plod of rebuilding activities. I am not the same woman I was before, but I am a million miles forward from where I was.
I think xyzcf and me and others who have experienced that level of anxiety are given to stepping forward when we think someone else might be on a slidey slope towards something that looks like PTSD. That may or may not be you. I think we would both agree that, regardless of what has/is happening with your marriage, there are times when it is appropriate to treat your wellbeing as an absolute priority if only for a little while. And that seeing an IC or coach who understands trauma responses, as opposed to more general talking therapy, is really helpful.
-
Helpnewc
You're right. It was a gift. I've had the thought that our relationship was a pen that we wrote with until it ran dry. I don't regret those stories. While I wish we could have finished the tale, I did enjoy writing it.
Treasur
It's amazing how insightful you are. I didn't realize how deep into it I was. While I've never been diagnosed, I'm guessing I've had an on-again-off-again relationship with depression and anxiety. I'll go ahead and label my dad an in-home MLCer, with hindsight. All while my mom had multiple rounds of cancer. Not the best role model. I grew up in a fairly... rough area. I had multiple best friends die (at 14 and 23 years old, or so). I used to feel strong for having such a background, but I now see it as mostly tragic to have someone so young experience such things. I'm still trying to come to terms with the implications.
Anyway, thank you for the advice. Mostly due to you and xyzcf (thank you, truly, for such concern), I had an unscheduled session with my therapist yesterday in which I just cried for 50 minutes. I realize that I was doing everything I could to avoid feeling this most recent swell and she helped me to understand I just have to go through it once more. Afterwards I went to the gym to continue the workout that I was unable to do the day before. Today I went for an early morning game of disc golf.
Your suggestion for goals is good. I currently don't have any. Or rather, they're abstract things like "heal". I think adding some small hobby goals sounds quite useful.
Wrt fast cars, danger, fire, and knives, I've been doing quite well on that front. When everything started blowing up (wow over a year ago now) I stopped drinking and haven't really felt the desire to start it back up. I miss sex quite a bit but the desire seems mostly for the intimacy. To be honest, the thought of trying to get someone into bed just feels... I don't know. It's less romantic than effort or work, and I have no desire for such interactions. Which is strange because having a cute woman touch my arm while laughing sounds quite appealing. I don't know.
Thank you for the book recommendations! I am a huge reader (tend to have at least one fiction and non-fiction pair going at a time). I quite enjoyed The Body Keeps the Score! I've not read Second Firsts but it sounds good. I'll throw this on my queue; appreciate it.
xyzcf
Glad you liked it! I was listening to my "sad" playlist and thought it was appropriate.
The polyvagal diagram is very interesting. Wow! It definitely felt like some kind of block. I just... froze up. Reading the words shame, shut-down, hopelessness, trapped is like someone had a microscope into my head. The "prepared for death" is a bit frightening as I didn't quite make that connection. With that context, it did feel that I was longing for oblivion as some way of escaping the fear and sorrow.
And I definitely did not consider myself to have PTSD but I wonder now if it is more of a way to talk myself out of doing something more. Like you, I have been walking/hiking, exercising, meditating, eating healthy, etc but when the waves hit it feels like I'm tossed overboard, drowning. I don't mean to downplay the progress, as I'm glad I am not where I was this time last year, but I'm nowhere near where I... guess I expect to be. I have been meaning to learn patience but it is confusing at times. I don't know if I'm stuck and stagnating, or this is simply how one heals. For what it is worth, I've been meaning to talk with my therapist about EMDR, ketamine, and neurofeedback (thanks Body Keeps the Score), though have not.
I have read some of your story and it is heartbreaking. I have been quite impressed with your strength in handling it. When I imagine interacting with my ex-wife in similar circumstances I cannot envision being able to weather it. I did not know about learning of divorce over text. That is crushing.
we must feel what we feel, and grieve for as long as it takes
You're absolutely right, and I was petrified of that. It's not quite such a bitter pill to swallow for the moment, but it is what I believe got me so worked up.
If it wasn't obvious, I tend to write a bunch. My personal journal is like 400k words at this point. I'll spare the deluge but share some postcards.
We all build containers for ourselves. Primitives. Everything (ha ha) is about building these primitives, these containers, these bounding-boxes, forms, models, schemas. Outside of them is utter chaos. And inside of them is unbearably cramped. The Faustian bargain is that while you're inside, you get to ignore the chaos. Sure, you may have constructed a box against the grain, on a hill, taking the full brunt of the wind. BUT INSIDE you sip some tea, even as the creaking gets just a little more frightening. And the box eventually corrodes, degrades, explodes, slumps, or disintegrates. Maybe quite rapidly. You're left without your hermit shell. You're stuck on the winter beach feeling the raw caress of reality. You are forced to process the onslaught of information in all its density. You must inspect each piece of information using the bare primitives you were born with. Your lizard brain thrust upwards, graciously ascended to the throne and overwhelmed with the burden of ruling such a vast empire.
Love is a feeling. Love is no different from being horny or hungry or scared. It is in the same bucket. It's a feeling. Just a feeling. But like hunger, it clarifies some things. It inspires some things. It drives and guides some things. Those things, however, are value-dependent. Those things are at the mercy of people, of human beings. Love is brewed in the cauldron of humanity. How can you expect love to be stronger than that container? I don't know... but I did.
I want to be close to someone. I want to hug and snug and cuddle. I want to say "hey sexy" and hold her in my arms as we lay in bed and watch a show.
And I want to be so far away. I want to flee into the mountains, into the desert. I want to be as far from people as I can be. I want to be completely alone and isolated. I want to be unseen.
Unseen like I currently am... but by choice. To take my lot and flip it from condemnation into decision. To take back my power and transmute the pain of loneliness into the pain of... what?
She stopped interacting with me in a way I had come to expect. I had this weird epiphany that is hard to explain. Everything is a gift. She gave me so many gifts. She stopped. That's what happened. I can be upset and angry with her, and honestly that is totally fair and reasonable given the context, but really what happened was she stopped giving me gifts. Yes, I shifted my life around the expectation that these gifts would keep coming. They stopped and I had to scramble to fill in the gaps. It is very reasonable to be hurt and upset about their halting. But they are gone. They are not coming back. For whatever reason, she is unable to keep providing them.
It's not simple. It's so complicated. It was simple. Legible. Primary colors. Clean lines, distinct shapes. Now it's leaves on the ground, red and brown and green and yellow, staining the concrete from the river of feet and rain pounding on top of them. Now it's real life.
She was my first love. I gave her my heart. All of my heart. We checked the boxes and signed up for a life of happiness and fulfillment. All we had to do was sit and wait for death. It was so straight forward. It was so prescriptive. It was so clear and obvious.
It's origami now. I don't know if I'm folding or unfolding. I can't tell progress from back tracking.
I phase in and out. I want her. I'm ok without her. The pain is there when I look at it. Just a mountain of bubbling pain. It oozes over everything. Like a monster, it lunges at me when I make eye contact. I stare at the ground and hope I don't trip over its tendrils.
And I keep coming back to basecamp. Why. Why did she do it. Why does she feel this why. Why can't we work. Why did she have to go. Why. Why why why why why why why why why. Like a carpenter I assemble these whys to build a wall around the pain even though I can see that hurricane on the horizon. My picket fence can't stop it, but I don't know what else to do.
-
Thank you zartheit for your kind words. Tomorrow is our 46th wedding anniversary, still matters to me, always will. They were beautiful years.
Your journalling is raw and real...thanks for sharing that as well.
I wrote 13 notebooks in the year after BD, pouring out the pain with pen to paper. I had them for many years, but never reread them. While undergoing therapy 6 years ago, I was able to shred them. Never wanted our daughter to read what I had written.
There are several ways to handle the trauma, ketamine, EMDR, neuro feedback..you try things until you find the right fit. The work I did with my therapist got pretty wild at times.
As for how I deal with Mr xyzcf, I do see this as a "dis-ease" that is not something anyone would choose.Also, I would completely fall apart when I did have contact with him (not with him but afterwards) and I felt that I wanted to be able to not have him rattle me...he could not have that from me. I would become strong enough to stand in his presence and not experience the loss of my own being...as my therapist told me when I struggled with what to do about contact with him, for he never stopped contacting me..she said that I could choose to see him or not, and that I could change my mind about that as many times as I wanted..it did not have to be set in stone.
It is what I want , it fits my beliefs and is good for us as a family and it works for our small family unit. I do not usually reach out to him but he's often in contact weekly...very bizarre for such a successful executive..he'll send a text teasing me about the Broncos losing or this week it was an article about Costco selling gold bars and had I put this on my shopping list.
Honestly, you can't make this up.
Glad you had a therapy visit and as you know, it's good to cry and get it out..takes several times perhaps but the tears will subside.
-
I'm sitting here listening to music, finishing the last of my coffee, and finding any excuse to procrastinate vacuuming. On my todo list for today is to go to the gym, get groceries, and of course vacuum. All of this is drab, and my intent isn't to waste your time, but to convey the banality of daily living. It's good. It's comforting. It's... how it is. A small campground along the perimeter of the blast zone, fed by the heat of the fire still burning in that pit. Not where I thought I would be, not really what I "want", but not bad.
I think the misery sine wave is winding down (I say as I still find myself filled with deep sadness and confusion). My biggest hurdles appear now mostly to do with locating and removing shards embedded during childhood. I now see how bad of an influence my father was, not with direct behavior but simply as lacking, missing. It appears he had his own midlife crisis after the death of one of his brothers. My mother had cancer, twice. She is one of the most compassionate people I know, but there was a fear there that had no way of being expressed. At least, not with the abilities I had at that time.
So life now has routines that are being worn into deep grooves as I type this. My intent is to have them as guard rails, not ruts. Last year I attended a few writing group meetings. I want to attend some again, just need to schedule it and push past the insecurity. They always turn out great once I do. There's a mycology society nearby and I'd like to check it out. There's a programming group that I've been meaning to join; now seems like a good time for it. I bought a starter-kit for crochet. I'm intimidated to unwrap the yarn but cold winter nights seem like a good tool to crack that nut.
Ok those are more "todos". Now I can mention some things I actually did. I took some friends on a hike. We drove for a few hours to eat breakfast at a small cafe in a town overlooking the sea before we continued up to the mountains. I finished that evening by having dinner with a friend to discuss what we planned to do during an upcoming trip to Japan he invited me to. I printed and hung up a poster (I'll embed at the end of this post). I attended a concert and danced like no one was watching. I complimented everything that drew my eye on those around me, and while I didn't make any new friends I quite enjoyed the experience. I was invited to a philosophy group meetup and DID make a new friend. A few days later we went to a pinball bar where I had a lovely time. He described me as fun and genuine, which I found cathartic in a way I can't quite describe. The wife of a friend consulted with me for ideas on how to celebrate his birthday. I'm looking forward to spending the day with them. I met up with someone nearby whose wife is also having some crisis. We have roughly the same bomb-drop date but she lives at home for the moment. It felt good to be there for someone in the same way that I needed (and need). I started finding things to be grateful for before eating instead of sporadically when I remember. It's only been a few weeks (or more? My sense of time is melted.) but it seems good so I'll keep it up. Still meditating every morning, and journaling.
Wow, when I write it all out, what is the problem, huh? It's funny how that works. A big setback was I left a friend's Halloween party early. I just... don't really mesh with them any more. It wasn't a bad interaction but it felt flat. My reaction to that flatness was grief and I didn't feel comfortable expressing that in their company. I had another concert to attend that evening but I couldn't. Instead of forcing myself, I got some nice food and went to bed early. I feel good to have listened to myself in that way.
My big goals are: heal, find/create purpose, build connections. I think healing is progressing, even if it is so much slower and more frustrating than I would prefer. I must admit that I am in a much better place, even if it isn't where I want to be or hoped I'd be. For a purpose, I'm lost. I'm drifting. I feel like I was fired out of a cannon, and while the pressure, noise, and heat of the barrel were awful at least the rifling gave me direction. I'm now high in the air charting some loose trajectory established in that crucible. I have a lot of good components, I just lack the internal structure to tie them together in a satisfying way. Unlike my ex-wife, I'm not going to throw this away but will instead maneuver slow and steadily. Amendments over rewrites. It is, however, exhausting and frustrating. I relate to her desire to feel differently; at times the urge is nearly overpowering. And for connections, that is what the above mentioned groups are for. I'm still shy to put myself out there. When I am confident, things just work but I've spent the past year building confidence in isolation. I now need to join group settings and feel out the wobble. I think it is a combination of fear of rejection for extremely valid reasons, and a lack of overall direction. I want to read more books on boundaries and relationships, but I think I have no real clear "goal" for things. When spirits are high, I tend to be quite engaged and witty. I don't mean to complain, as I really value those interactions because spending a few hours digging deep into strange subjects to mine humor is fantastic, but... I don't know, maybe I'm overthinking things.
As for my ex-wife, I miss her. I don't want to miss her. I would quite like to not think of her at all, but I do. I still want us to be together even though I can now see that it really is not possible. I spent quite a lot of time trying to find "her" perspective in various writings. I think I have enough distance now that I have some vague outline of it. Ignoring the hand-wavey statistics (which do NOT look good for another try), it all comes down to her. I never could have imagined she would behave this way but she has. Now that the impossible has happened, I have to hope for something impossible to happen another time just to have a fighting chance. Two once-in-a-lifetime events seems arrogant to expect. Yet I do, in some way. I don't know how to comfort that part of me. I'm sorry this is where we find ourselves.
I want to end this long post by thanking everyone on these forums. I am happy to have found such a positive and supportive alcove to endure this storm. I feel that the general values here are very much aligned with how I want to be.
(https://i.imgur.com/BXXelQH.png)
Here's the poster. A reminder to myself more than anything. A few people commented on it, which was fun.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=laWt6Nbx-h8
-
This woman does a great job teaching how to crochet a crown or tiara: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QQEt7mgCqQw
When I was in the bouts of feeling low I´d make one with the intention of giving it away. As a newbie to crocheting the concentration required took my mind off of my woes. It looks complicated but is easy and doesn´t take long to make.
-
forthetrees
Thank you! I like the combination of generosity and skill building.
It's been awhile! Here is some rambling journalling :)
I recently celebrated a ritual to honor my own rock bottom. I wanted something recurring where I could focus on myself. It had to be something deeply felt but I also didn't want it to involve other people, which ruled out bomb-drop. The day I chose seems quite small, but its impact on me was pretty big. The story goes that my ex-wife was on a work-trip and I was to meet up with her later. She wanted space so we hadn't communicated in some time. She then reaches out to me to share pictures of her having fun (parasailing, lounging on the beach, etc). I was thrilled she had chosen to communicate with me, even if I felt deeply pained by how impervious she seemed to the destruction of "us". In contrast, my own time was spent barely treading water. I would set timers where I would force myself to work until they expired. I wrote a report through a stream of tears. I ran a meeting where I'd have to ask people to repeat their questions because my focus had drifted into the pain in my chest, thankful that my tear-covered face was invisible behind my turned-off webcam. I made pacts to go for walks just so I could get out of the house. It was the darkest summer of my entire life. And that is when it became clear why she contacted me: "can you bring my jacket?"
I was beyond crushed. I was bellhop. I was a tool. I was trivial, replaceable, worthless. I tumbled into a surreal and parallel universe composed of nothing but pain and suffering. I remember the chill of the bathroom tile as I sobbed atop it recognizing that no one was coming to save me. At that moment I was not a human being. I was melted wax still hot from having been used by the flame. Getting up was probably the hardest thing I ever did. I still don't know how I did it.
That is the day I wanted to remember. That inner feeling of enough, of triumph, however faint, is what I wanted to celebrate. So I did. I spent a few days hiking around a small island. I would bring a book along and read at the summit. I didn't speak most of that time. I got blisters in my blisters. I drank terrible coffee. I listened to the birds. I admired the clump of mountains blooming from the horizon wedged between the sea and the sky.
Back when I was in college I had a vaguely similar time. I was recently dumped and home for the summer. I would wander around at unhinged hours. I kept returning to an outdoor track that I would run on. One night at probably 3am I ran a few miles, hard. I was laying on the grass looking up into the washed-out stars. I had the thought "I want to be a [what-I-ended-up-doing]." It was so sudden, so clear and vivid. It wasn't boastful or meek. It was a simple statement of fact. The clarity of it was immense. For the next decade that is exactly what I pursued.
I'd be lying if I were to say I didn't hope for a similar experience. I'd be lying if I were to say I'm not sad I didn't get it. There is no big revelation. There is no huge re-alignment. There is just me.
Some days this is more than enough. Other days have me lonely and longing for those good ol' days. I haven't communicated with my ex-wife in almost a year. I haven't seen her in almost 2 years. If I'm honest, it is quite obvious that there will be no reunion. We won't reconnect. We won't reconcile. I doubt I'll ever hear from her ever again. But I don't feel that. I don't believe it. And sometimes that is ok while at others it isn't.
The rest of my life is going well. I made some artifacts I am proud of that I intend to present. I have gotten more interested in spirituality than I ever have before, which I am genuinely excited about. I took on a friend as a roommate and am now asking him to leave. I still find him to be a great friend but I just want to be alone. He was very understanding, which I am grateful for. I have been making a point to reach out to people more and think I have found a balance, more or less. I started casually seeing someone. I made it clear to her that I want nothing more than what we have. I wanted to be extremely transparent so that she is able to decide for herself. It seems to be working for us both for the moment. At my job I am making good progress on a large project I'm running. My participation in other projects is recognized and appreciated. Things are going well.
I wrote once that we're all sandcastles on the shore. I believe that. All things fade away, fall apart, pass. Everything must change. This loss is unbearable. We don't bear it, we can't. We must let it reverberate. It must render us, melt us, disintegrate and dismember us. The wave passes through leaving nothing unchanged. A universal acid dissolving everything it touches. All we can do is stand aside and love those parts of us with their flesh stripped back. All we can do is sit lovingly, acceptingly, approvingly, of whatever form emerges from the crucible. We must be willing to lovingly receive whatever is unwrapped before us without expectation or judgement.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8dpIUNMPqrI
-
Back for some journaling. I was on LinkedIn deleting comments I had made on posts of my ex-wife (WHY was I doing this!?) when I noticed that she got a new job. The job looks like something perfectly suited for her. It isn't as "prestigious" as her old job, but I never understood what she liked about her old job.
I was shocked. It stung. I didn't understand why. I was phasing in and out of sorrow for days. I'm still a bit distracted. I wove such an intricate tapestry of self-pity and genuine happiness for her. Why couldn't she have tried this before leaving me? I hope her first weeks were enjoyable. Why did she leave me behind? I hope she is finding peace. Did she think I would have judged or not supported her? I hope this will be a fulfilling and creative outlet for her. I wish I could congratulate her. Why did it have to be THIS way?
Somehow I took a career change for an indictment on myself. I took an action someone else took and made it entirely about me. She didn't think of me at all. But this change does emphasize how thoroughly unraveled "we" are. We're dissipated reverberations. We're scattered ashes. We're sun bleached poloroids curling in an estate sale. There are so many nails in the coffin you can't even see the wood.
After the sorrow crested, I felt supreme detachment. I looked at her and saw an old childhood friend I hadn't spoken to in years. There was no malice, no hurt, no bitterness, no confusion. She was just a woman. She likely did some things she isn't quite proud of while at a strange place in her life. She doesn't hate me. She doesn't love me. The relationship wasn't bad but it was ultimately unfulfilling for her and she didn't see a way to rectify that. She felt stuck and trapped and alone. I saw her from the "outside". I drained all my identity from that super-structure called "us" causing it vanish completely.
I experienced, for a large chunk of time, a stable detachment that I had only imagined before. It's gone now. I'm sad for how "we" unraveled. There feels like insurmountable distance between us. What was pangea is now disconnected continents. I'm back in attachment, not fully able to let go of what was. Why won't she come back? Why won't she talk to me? Why won't she love me?
I can sit with this disappointment, sadness, loss, loneliness, fear, grasping, craving. It's more grief. I had forgotten it. I had believed I got rid of the last of it. I'll go easy on myself. I'll treat myself how I would treat someone else in this position. I'll tend to me gently. It'll be ok. It's ok right now, it's just sad.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T-M680MCECs
-
“It comes and goes in waves. It always does.
We watch as our young hearts fade. Into the flood.”
Hang in there zartheit. I’m feeling the same right now. The wave does pass.
-
It is a strange conundrum.
Someone who mattered the most becoming completely disconnected from you. And accepting that and realising that part of your life is gone. It is just so difficult.
And my life is not better. It is much worse. And so is hers. And our kids. But there is nothing rational going on.
I used to wish I was a robot again. No feelings. There is so much pain. And you did not know it existed. Ignorance truly is bliss.
I would congratulate her. There is no harm and it is authentic.
-
“I took an action someone else took and made it entirely about me. She didn't think of me at all. But this change does emphasize how thoroughly unraveled "we" are. “
I think most of us reach a point of seeing the No We. And it’s a bit of a punch in the guts, isn’t it? Perhaps for a little while post BD, for both LBS and MLCer, there is some residual We that lingers. In our expectations and grief. In their blame and anger. But I think what you said here becomes increasingly true with the action of time and events.
Again jmo but this is about the essence of attachment. It takes a while for most inherently healthy people to sever important attachments. That’s normal. And as others have said elsewhere, it often leaves a gap, a kind of phantom missing limb feeling. That sucks, but it is normal too imho.
And for that reason, I wouldn’t congratulate her. Bc it’s not your business anymore or your role to do so. If you have contact and she mentions it, some version of cool, bummer or wow will suffice. Just as you would say to a random stranger on a train. And tbh I’d step back from whatever route brought the info to you. Her successes or failures are now like a stranger on a train ….as are yours vice versa tbh. For most LBS, that’s a sad thing. But it’s a real thing that comes with the demolition of a long We.
-
Hello all! It has been awhile.
I am feeling great right now. I just got back from a weeks long trip to Bhutan where I went hiking and mushroom foraging. I don't know what I want to say here but I know I want to say it, so please forgive the rambling (or maybe I can reframe it as please enjoy the scenery).
I'm not "over" my ex-wife. And, truthfully, I don't think I ever will be. But what does "over her" mean? I'm beginning to see more and more that it doesn't really mean anything. It's actually occluding something. When these anxious thoughts pop up, they tend to be reactions to a range of emotions. The logic goes: "oh no, I'm feeling something BAD! I shouldn't feel this way! If I were 'over her' then I wouldn't feel this. I must not be over her. Oh how I long to be over her and thus free from these evil emotions."
But why shouldn't I feel any way in particular? Why shouldn't I feel sorrow and longing and loneliness? Why shouldn't I feel hurt and fear? More directly, what is so wrong with those? How are they "bad"? These emotions are messengers, intimate aspects of "me", signals brought forth from the universe itself. By rejecting the reality of these feelings I'm simultaneously rejecting myself--abandoning myself--and living in a deluded fantasy. Some small part of me is making a judgement on some other small part of me. Some process is fabricating a hypothesized ideal trajectory and kicking and screaming when it senses any deviations. But why would an aspect be able to contain the whole? How can a snake eat itself? Why would a prediction supersede a lived experience? Why would I believe the map over the territory? When your model mispredicts reality it is THE MODEL that is inaccurate. It is at these times that I simply sit and feel as deeply as I'm able. I sit with the tumult, the confusion, the pain, the loss. I comfort all of those raw and scared pieces as they struggle to stay afloat, realizing that these feelings aren't wrong or evil or unwelcome. They are how it is right now. I reach out with my arms open and listen as well as I'm able to what they're trying to say.
I want to be understood. I want to be seen and recognized. I want to share jokes and insights and observations. I want to complain and rant and criticize. I want to be comforted. I want to be accepted. I want to be cherished and valued. I want to feel safe and secure. And what is so wrong with any of that?
Life is as it is. Any judgements on it are irrelevant, but also myopic. Of course, given some specific focal point any aberrations are mistakes, errors, tragedies. But life is so much wider, so much larger. It is up to us to expand instead of implode. That isn't to dismiss the anger and hurt and sorrow. I only mean that we can find joy and gratitude as well. There is no contradiction. The future is made right here, one brick at a time. Do I want to build a cathedral or a prison?
My ex-wife is my ex-wife. I doubt I will ever interact with her ever again. It isn't what I want but that is how it is. I don't hate her. In fact, I love her. I want the best for her. I want her to find peace and joy and happiness. But crucially, I want that for me too. I want to love and to be loved. And that isn't about her at all. It isn't diminished or impacted by her at all. My love is boundless. I don't need to ration it. This life is finite, temporary, fleeting and impermanent. I would rather gaze at the sunset than run from the night.
More pragmatically, things are going well. My job is going well. My boss respects me and values my projects. I am trying to coordinate getting coffee with some friends, old and new. I'm booked for lunch tomorrow. I'm sketching out loose plans for the next few months (shows, hiking, etc). I'm reading some interesting books (novels, philosophy, short-stories). I'm considering taking some classes. I've got some projects going (strangely enough, mostly different types of clocks) that I think of like gardening in the sense that I just work on them from time to time without fixating on any specific end goal. I finished training for volunteering at a hospice. I'm now waiting for the director to give me an assignment. Before my trip, I went hiking and saw like 7 waterfalls from which I stole some water and brewed tea out of it. I'm still working out 3 times a week. I am writing regularly. I'm meditating twice a day. My family is all in good health. The sun is shining. I'm listening to music. I just finished a tea drunk from a new cup. What more can one ask for?
https://cygnusat.bandcamp.com/track/journey-outwards
-
I would like to hear about the mushroom part of the trip- please do tell.
-
Hello,
You are doing very well considering the crisis you just endured.
I'm not "over" my ex-wife. And, truthfully, I don't think I ever will be. But what does "over her" mean? I'm beginning to see more and more that it doesn't really mean anything. It's actually occluding something. When these anxious thoughts pop up, they tend to be reactions to a range of emotions. The logic goes: "oh no, I'm feeling something BAD! I shouldn't feel this way! If I were 'over her' then I wouldn't feel this. I must not be over her. Oh how I long to be over her and thus free from these evil emotions."
I don't know if anyone is every truly "over" anything in life. I mean, I will be just doing my thing and a memory or thought from long ago interrupts the regular programing with " remember this?" Some good, some not so good. Often unresolved conflict lingers and come back as random thoughts or dreams.
I don't know and never spoke to your ex, but from reading your posts and getting a feel for you as a person, you come across as a rather intelligent, thoughtful, and creative person. You have your interests and you enjoy reading and writing as well as hiking and working out. Your trip to Bhutan seems so surreal as it is not a very populous country and as a country, they focus more on happiness than gross national product. Please feel free to post more on your adventure.
Because you shared a large part of your life with this person, there will always be a range of emotions as you have memories and moments. Especially, when you don't even understand the why and must accept that you probably will never know. That creates a different set of emotions and responses all on its own.
Some small part of me is making a judgement on some other small part of me.
Oh yes, the would've. could've, should've thoughts that somehow we just chose wrong. Sad thoughts of how we could have altered the script. Unfortunately, we never had the solution. Just like the scam can you pick the right cup with the ball in it, now matter what cup you pick, you lose. Mourn the loss of the relationship, mourn the loss of the person that you thought you knew, but don't contemplate the choices you made during the crisis. I still have my moments, but I push those thoughts away because it is a fruitless endeavor. Too many other things to clutter my thoughts.
I want to be understood. I want to be seen and recognized. I want to share jokes and insights and observations. I want to complain and rant and criticize. I want to be comforted. I want to be accepted. I want to be cherished and valued. I want to feel safe and secure. And what is so wrong with any of that?
That's what makes a relationship tick when all of this happens. When it begins to break down, then all of that leaves us naked, rejected, insecure, lonely and unsure of our world. Nothing wrong with that at all my friend.
So as you go along your path, feel free to embrace of of your emotions and calibrate how those emotions push your rational thoughts. Continue to be the kind, observational, and spiritual person that still sees the world. From my perspective, you are building a castle and I don't see any plans for the prison now-or in the future.
Have an incredible day and know that your post really intrigued me,
(((Ready)))
-
Hi zartheit,
I hadn´t read your journal but as I read it from the beginning to the end, I was impressed by your emotional skills and the eloquent way of writing. I cried many times reading this but it felt good and right to cry. I wanted to say that I´m with you on being ”over” things. Like, how do you get over the death of someone important? They’re not coming back are they? In my mind it is appropriate to acknowledge that this is sad, and that you miss them. Of course it will get better as time passes, but if they were truly important, why should the sorrow ever be completely gone? Same with the ending of a meaningful relationship.
I for myself am not only shocked for the loss of the person in my life (H moved out 4 days ago), but the loss of the future I thought we would have together. I am devastated at the moment but the best choice is to let the feelings come and go, trusting that things will get better with time. And this does not mean I am not taking active little steps to try and move forward, both emotionally and in a concrete sense - doing little repairs now around the cottage, things that H would have done, which while accomplishing the actual repair also gives me confidence that I can make it on my own.
Maybe some day I will also make a trip to Bhutan :)
-
forthetrees
(https://i.imgur.com/sEPTNmu.jpeg)
(Forgive the quality. The image host seems to have drained all the color out in its efforts to compress it.)
I was loosely sketching a trip to the Himalayas, focusing on Nepal, when I stumbled across a guy organizing tours to Bhutan. I'm lazy and so pivoted plans by letting someone else take care of the logistics. I heard about this tour as the organizer is a mycologist at the local mycological society, where I sometimes attend meetings. We basically went on various hikes, mostly to monasteries, and looked for mushrooms. At the end, we'd collect our findings and he would give a lecture on the various finds.
readytofixmyselffirst
Thank you! Your compliments feel good to read. I value your perspective and appreciate you sharing it.
Arcticfox
I hope the tears brought some relief. I like your "little" steps plan. I believe it is like compound interest, or a snowball which will become an avalanche. Not only does it all start with the little things, but the big things themselves are nothing but a bag of little things.
I didn't mean to bait everyone with the Bhutan feint! I flew from the US to Korea to Thailand to Bhutan. My first flight was canceled which destroyed my Bangkok connection. I only found out a few hours before my flight. I was a bit annoyed at this point! After rotating through customer service people, I got a new flight and new connection and headed off to the airport.
My first impression of Bhutan was staring out the window on the approach to Paro and seeing mountains so close it felt like I might get smacked with pine needles. We have genuinely one of the smoothest landings I can remember and I'm stepping off the plane into a valley. I've never seen something like this. The tarmac and the airplane seem out of place against the panoramic mountains we're encased in. I make my way to the gate, which feels surreal as it is a traditional building with ornate and intricate carvings and paintings covering seemingly every surface. Inside, the baggage claim winds through a diorama of a small village. The ceilings have dropped circles with hypnotic mandalas painted on them. I pick up my bag and pass through customs which consists of maybe 3 agents. I don't even know if they had computers. I hand them my printed visa and passport. They read, apparently, whatever they were looking for, stamp my passport and write something in it. I grab my documents and exit to the parking lot whereby I was greeted by a smiling man in traditional dress.
I went to the south and hiked through a jungle before noticing a leech on my left foot. I go to flick it off but it instead rudely dissipates as it is absorbed by my sock. I lose my cool and kick off my shoe, rip off my sock and jitteringly swipe at it. Eventually it is dislodged and is flung off into the ambient vegetation to await its next victim. I calm down. I then notice another leech on my other foot.
I went up north and walked along roads that made me feel like I was in the 14th century. Beyond the dirt paths were stunning flat valleys (essentially the only wide expanses of flat I remember seeing) dominated by jagged mountains on all sides. We're so high up that fog and clouds are indistinguishable. I remember watching a cloud form before my eyes, shift as if on a conveyor belt, and dissolve back into the sky.
I hiked to taktsang (tiger's nest). Halfway there is, of course, a small park with a giant prayer wheel. I watch some people spin it before continuing on past the cafe. I take a wrong turn and end up going to a few OTHER monasteries along the ridge. I found hidden shrines off the path stuffed with clay stupas, prayer flags, and statues. Eventually the path coalesces into the direct route, but from the other side. I get stunning views of taktsang as I descend. When I finally arrive, there are no other visitors due to how early it is. I visit as many temples as are available to non-monks. There's even a cave, which I climb into. I sat facing the inner cliff face, illuminated by a flickering butter lamp and vaguely backlit from scattered sun, for a around 30 minutes.
Some misc other aspects were visiting a town that had never seen tourists, so the governor and a lama greeted us. Eating meals at some of the locals' homes. Meeting a local on a hike who insisted on dressing me up in his own personal traditional dress so I could walk around the monastery at the summit. Taking pictures of all of the Pen!$es painted on buildings which, depending on characteristics, signal fertility, a friendly welcoming, and some other meanings I can't remember. Lots of the food reminded me of my hometown, which was intensely fascinating to me.
All in all, it was great. I enjoyed the whole dollop. I'm still not caught up on sleep but I have done laundry and grocery shopping. Thank you all for letting me share some postcards from the trip!
https://flux-tracks.bandcamp.com/track/huya-2
-
I'm refinancing my house so I can remove my ex's name from the mortgage. She gave me a few years to accomplish this and while I do still have time, I want to cross this item off my todo list and forget about it. This process is churning a bunch of settled mud. I'm finding some jetsam washing ashore, but no letters in a bottle.
At times, I find myself the victim again. How could she do this to me? How could she inflict this on me? How dare she! The grief is as hard as it ever was but it isn't so totaling. I can recognize that the sun sits just beyond those rain clouds. At other times, I am simply annoyed at the paperwork, the tedium, the account archeology. It is overall pretty frustrating. The financial side is likewise uninspiring. I get to pay a large fee to obtain a worse interest rate and then give my ex a giant sack with a dollar sign on it. I guess I can consider it the last gift she'll receive from me.
Thankfully I am in a position to be able to actually do this. It's sad, disappointing, banal, and generally not how I imagined. The contrast between my understanding of our relationship and this is immense, but that difference isn't a surprise anymore. I am grateful that it no longer takes my breath away.
I can genuinely say that I wish the best for her. There's some nuance to that. At one point I was waiting in a line for customs somewhere. It was like 2am. No one wanted to be in this giant room. Someone must have been given "bad news" from an agent and they did NOT shrug it off. I watched this adult throw a tantrum in the middle of the floor for probably 10 minutes. He was making obscene faces, sticking his tongue out, and gesturing wildly. There was comedy in it, but he was obviously frustrated and distressed. I can imagine that feeling of the bottom falling out. I can imagine finally making it to the agent and then being told I made a trivial mistake and I'd have to restart everything. I felt for him and wished him the best. I then continued on and that was that. And I feel similarly about her.
Something has definitely shifted in me. I miss her. I even wish that we could be together. That being said, it doesn't "make sense" to me. There truly isn't even the fantasy of us reuniting. There isn't even a hypothetical path, a technical possibility. It is kind of like wanting Santa to bring you an item from your wishlist. It sure would be nice!
I also don't really "know" her. I think part of what contributed to my pain was that loss of the familiar. She was my comfort blanket. Her actions were so jarring that I didn't "believe" them. It wasn't her fault. She was ill, sick, out of her mind. She was anything so long as it is temporary, so long as it can be fixed or resolved. She is whatever I need her to be so that it will all go back to how it was, how it should be. But I no longer think it should be like that. I would quite like it to be like that, like it was, but the world keeps turning.
What was so meaningful, so impactful, so important... isn't. And what changed? Nothing, everything. There is no boundary, no line in the sand, no discrete step-wise clicking over. There is no before and after. There is no moment of transition, no here-today/gone-tomorrow. There is simply the constant shifting, the constant wilting, the constant melting, the constant dripping, the constant seeping, the constant twisting, the constant drifting. And now she is far away. Now she is distant. Now she is unreachable, unrecognizeable, un-. She is negated, absent, vacant, empty. She is a cardboard cut-out. She is a stand-in. She is a placeholder. She is a representation. She is an image, a thought, a shorthand, a daydream. She is the pointer to a concept that I don't believe in anymore. She is the container of childish things. The discarded toybox I outgrew. It's not that I don't want that feeling, it's that I don't BELIEVE that feeling. I can't play with action heroes anymore, not because it is wrong but because... why would I? It brings no enjoyment, there is no desire for it, the whole cycle is excised. There is no craving, no hope for payout, no loop. It's a complete graph that was snipped, now viewable only through binoculars, through the glass of a museum with a little placard saying "This work represents ...". It isn't visceral. It isn't present. It isn't manifest. It is merely noted, merely logged, merely recounted, merely recalled.
And here, at this evil and sacred place sits nothing new, nothing exotic, nothing unexpected. There is no catharsis, no freedom, no revelation. It's exactly what it always was. It's me. It's simply me. Some things added, somethings removed. It isn't the end of the world, it isn't the start of the world. It's my normal, regular ass life. She wasn't my antagonist. She wasn't my savior. She was my friend, now she isn't. She is a person I grew quite close to, quite fond of, and now don't know.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q6mMOSPss4s