Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: Tsunami on May 28, 2011, 06:34:55 PM
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Thought I would throw this out there for discussion.
Late last night, I read on here somewhere that LBS's feel as if our spouses walked and they are out there in the world enjoying themselves. Are they really enjoying themselves? Are they totally miserable? Are they faking it as if they are having a good time? Or do they THINK they are enjoying themselves; because they are in deep denial?
Please share your thoughts!
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Wow...you figure this out... you win the million bucks!
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Power Ball is up to 171 Million; I'd probably do better buying a ticket and winning that than figure this MLC crap out!
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Lets understand that the crisis is driven by depression, overt(obvious) or covert(masked), so that at different times during the crisis you will see different things. Masked depression they are wearing a mask searching for happiness, they will go down every cheeseless tunnel they can find looking for the holy grail of happiness. More than likely they will not find it.
Overt depression may be more obviously depressed but they will deny that there is anything wrong with them and they will follow the same paths looking for the cure of there depression.
So they may appear happy but they are not.
They are just trying to fool themselves into thinking that they are happy.
As HeartBlessings would say there is a lot going on behind the scenes.
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OP explained it perfectly...
They are depressed and searching for "happiness"... that's the word they use. They feel old, so younger OW makes them feel young..... for awhile 'til she pisses him off with her ignorance... They hate their jobs because they don't have the toys and success they planned on and they can't quit and start fresh because they have a household to support... so they say "F it!! I'm buying my toys ANYWAY because life is short and I deserve it..." They don't want their spouse anymore because of the crushing sameness to everyday life.... there's nothing NEW to learn about the LBS or the kids.... they can reinvent themselves with OW/OM and leave out the bad parts.... when they look at their kids and their spouse, they feel guilty and like a schmuck for letting us down.... all they have to do is show up for OW/OM to get UN-EARNED ADORATION.... it's easy, with no strings attached... but wait.... it all starts to crumble further on up the road and the more they try and keep the plates spinning, the harder it gets with OW demanding, their kids unhappy, them unhappy..... the LBS unhappy.... eventually they look back to see if there is a chance.
No, they aren't having fun. They are "doing all sorts of fun things" to keep them distracted, as Stayed's husband has said, so, yes, they DO fun things, but they aren't FUN because they're doing it with the wrong people, places, intentions, etc. The rest of the time they are fighting with OW/OM because the DRAMA is the only way they can FEEL.... and this person is SO DISTRAUGHT without them, or "lays down the law" and gets jealous therefore making the MLCer feel "special".
Time after time we hear that the "happy couple" is fighting CONSTANTLY!!! We hear it from the horse's mouth, from the kids, witness it.... MLCers drink too much, spend too much, are in poor health.... they don't sleep..... and we've ALSO heard time and time again that they aren't there for the sex.... they are "doing it" because it is OW's only trick and perhaps a stress reliever for the MLCer, but even the sex isn't that fun according to what we hear... Shantilly has heard her husband LIE to OW saying something like "I know you want a booty call, but I have to fix my truck, sorry!" :o :o She overheard him say that and the truck was perfectly FINE!!! OW offered sex and he avoided it...
No matter WHAT pictures OW puts on Facebook to "prove" they are having fun, they're not. Why don't you try having a little fun and see how your MLCer reacts? Mine was jealous because I was having FUN and he was miserable stuck with OW and missing me and his kids. Take that to the bank.
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The MLCer does do some fun things.....and yes, much of it is a distraction. Some MLCers say they are looking for happiness, some say they are looking for fulfillment. Whatever term they use, there is an emotional void that is truly there.
So, are they having fun? It depends on how you look at it. They are doing some fun things, but it is in search of filling the void they feel.
Letting Go has touched on things they run from. Jim Conway calls them the Four Enemies of the MLCer......the four things they "run" from during MLC.....their spouse, their job, their body, and their God.
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I can not believe this was the first thread I saw. I was going to post an "oh pity me post" on my thread, but alas, here was my venue.
This is the second Memorial Day since BD. We used to go to my H's sister's in-laws lake house every year for the holiday. It was my FAVORITE vacation. The lake is deserted, weather nice, sometimes rain, but no biggie, rain is okay. We cook when we feel like it, eat cereal if we want, drink a lot of beer, and talk all night long. My H never really enjoyed it, he would work a lot, and I would hang with BIL talking business. Kids mostly slept since they were younger. Last year I was beyond sad, this year I was prepared. Then, not since what does H do, but invite OW on the trip. Well, S14 said, no way, and decided he was staying with me, but S12 went.
As a good mom, I tried to fill the weekend with things S14 would be happy about. H is an anti-gun fanatic. We live in a very rural area where hunting is huge and S14 wants to hunt. After H left, I took up shooting handguns because it felt good—I would shoot at photos of her! So a friend took us to shoot clay targets today, for the first time. S14 had a blast and was not bad—me, my shoulder hurts… But H calls S on the way home. Then sends me a scathing text about guns. So I write him an e-mail and said, look, this is the way it is now, you forced me to be stuck here for the rest of my life (this is not home, and I have no family here, he is moving across country to be with OW) so I have to make the best of it, and this is what people do here… And I get another long scathing note back. To which I reply, what are you so mad about????? Dude, I was trying to be nice, I am trying to help him find some happiness…
He is on MY FAVORITE VACATION with my other son and his perfect woman, and my favorite IL’s. Could he not pretend to be happy? But then I get back an oh sorry, I misunderstood, we are having a wonderful time note… And I’m just thinking, right, because if I was having a wonderful time, I would not have called S14 six times today and chewed out my ex—I would just be happy. Not to mention, when S14 said he did not want to go on vacation with OW, I would not have taken her… And he wonders why S14 seems to hate him. He says it is due to my inability to have a positive productive relationship with H and “be on the same page.” Seriously, on the same page, what does that mean?
All is not well in their world, I promise. I feel so sad for my H and OW. For the rest of their lives, no matter what story they invent, they will know in the back of their minds that our son was diagnosed with cancer, and H couldn’t handle it, so he turned to OW who was going through a divorce and then he left me and our kids for his true happiness… That is not the story I would want to tell—not ever, to anyone, especially to myself. She can pretend all she wants that she rescued him from a horrible marriage while he was going through a nightmare, but really, regardless of how horrible I might have been, his place should have been with us, or at least with his kids…
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I have wondered about this too. Do we just tell ourselves that our MLCer must be miserable underneath all the "fun" and "happiness"? My H's head is a complete mess. Since we told our kids that we're getting divorced, he is even more of a mess - completely paniced over making sure the kids still "like" him. They are actually creeped out by his behavior. He has started the divorce process, but still won't move out because he wants to "live with his kids". Home is now such an uncomfortable place that nobody wants to be here.....except the "happy" MLCer who is mostly here alone.
My H is still convinced that happiness awaits him as soon as he gets this divorce behind him. So convinced that even the tears and pleadings of his daughters make no impact. I guess I'll just have to wait to see if he is. For now I have to believe that there is no way God will bless a man who is abusing his family this way - emotionally, financially, spiritually, etc. When I think he can't stoop any lower, he proves me wrong again and again. Maybe it sounds vindictive, but I sure hope he's not "happy" when it's all said and done because he's sure leaving a wake of destruction.
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More "happy" stories from MLC land.
My h is so happy, sorted and content in himself that he can't bear to sit inside our house. He can't bring himself to eat an Olive (yes the olive test) and when I last saw him he looked awful.
He's so happy that he told me had been to see 2 Dr's over the past year, but as neither of them actually told him he was depressed he must be happy :o :o :o but then went on to say he thought he might be bipolar, which as everyone knows is just another word for happy. :o :o :o
Back in November we met and he started off telling me he was happy and by the end of the evening said he thought he might need help (for his uncontained happiness I guess)
Don't forget how MLCers have a gift for compartmentalising, so work sees them "happy", family may see them happy, the general public might see them as happy and OW has to see them as happy or there's hell to pay. :)
In my virtual relationship with my h, i get so many "happy" e mails, all sent from his happy place of work, whilst he's in a happy frame of mind.
With all that happiness to portray no wonder they look like S***
I think in my sitch it got summed up by him when he left. He said he wanted to "learn" from other women. What a sad statement. No attempt to learn things within himself, or by himself, just looking to other people to fill that MLC void.
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Good questions Tsunami!! After speaking at length w/ my BIL today about his Tunnel Time I now believe that (men anyway) are in rat's ass mode. Living in the here and now taking stabs at what feels good. They don't know the meaning of ENJOYING THEMSELVES. I think deep down WE (on this forum) were the ones in the marriages that made plans and co-ordinated everthing properly. We were too busy floating the ship we didn't have time for an ES/PA :o
It must really suck to be not only sooooo depressed you can't find or get the FREE help all counties offer for menatl health issues. No, instead run down the street and abandon your families :'(
It's OK I'll tell the kids you don't help with baths and bedtime stories anymore b/c you live across town with a HO-Skank who is your "Real friend now" b/c I pushed you away and you were unhappy for a million years
Why do we hang on their every word after a discussion. They are insane. Ask the court for a psych eval before we talk to them anymore.
Mine is in puppy dog mood lately all talky and lovey and SLEEPING IN A STRANGE WOMAN"S BED :o :o
I don't think they have enough control over their emotions to fake anything. I think they are in a weird distorted surreal space time continuim
nothing makes sense in their heads so they just run around trying to get thru the day and appear normal :'( As LG says 8) I'm just saying
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I have asked my H several times if he is happy in his situation (living with OW) He says he is. He sounds happy when I talk to him, unless I am ragging on him. I just don't get how most of his stuff is still here at the house. He is basically living out of suitcase. He has a great job, that he's only had for a few years, but took about 5 years to get. I mention to him about quitting his job. He says he would never do that. He is happy there. He doesn't want a new sports car or motorcycle, that I know of. He really believes that he has found his soul mate and this is the life he wants.
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Tsunami and Ibelieve, on BD, and for the first year, I believed my H also. He said he was happy, that he had found his soulmate, a love with "whom he could swim in the same direction" (yeah, he actually said that). But as I grew less angry and more peaceful, detached and even happy, I realized the monster had not gone away. I believed that he was only reacting to me, that I was the cause of all his unhappiness. Then he had the heart attack, and continues to have serious health issues. But he still tells me that the life he is living is easier than the one we had and he is happy. So now I figure, if that's your happy, then I'm happy for you.
We can all still look in the mirror every day and know that as sad and broken as we might me, we are still trustworthy, honorable, loyal and loving--they can't, and will never be able to again--if that's happy, I don't want any part of it. Sad and broken are fixable, shame and guilt and dishonor leave disfiguring scars. Smile, hold your head high and fake it til you make it, it gets easier every day, and pedicures and new makeup don't hurt... Neither does shooting at photos of OW, ;-)... just sayin', whatever works for ya...
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My H wears the happy mask for everyone.
He posts on fb all the time giving insights into his wonderful life.
I am doing this, I am going there, isn't my life wonderful............
I did (and possibly do....sometimes) believe all of this and then during one of his pity parties he sent me a text to say he would be better off dead.....his life was not worth living etc. he loved his kids etc etc.
I nearly got sucked into the drama. I phoned a friend to check on him.
She trid to call him - No answer.
She went on fb and there he was telling everyone how he was having a fantastic time out with OW, eating out, and how wonderful life was.
They are truely insane.
HUGS
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Watching and Waiting's post reminds me of something with my friend. He did not snoop very often, but one time he did. It was about a year ago and he called me afterward. He had looked online at some things his ex-wife was posting. She posted how good things were going and how happy she was. My friend was a little down about it after he read it.
It probably wasn't two weeks later, my friend received an e-mail from her saying that things were not going well. Her e-mail to my friend was brief, but it was clear she wasn't as happy as she was claiming to be to other people.
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Hi My H also likes to do 'fun' things. I sometimes wonder if they are so much fun why does he look miserable half the time. Each time as he is leaving he sits in the car and texts. I presume it is to the OW and he has to check in and let her know he is on his way, pathetic.
He tells me there are parts of his life he loves now, but there is still so much that he misses. I remember last summer he had gone out walking with OW. They had ended up at the top of a mountain admiring the view. He said that tears started to roll down his face and he couldn't stop them. OW saw them. He told me it reminded him of our honeymoon in Scotland, and he said he wished he had been there with me and the girls. He later texted me to say he hated what his life had become and asked me not to give up on him.
It is now almost a year on from then and he is still doing lots of 'fun' things, which would be so much more fun if he was doing them with his family. I have noticed as well, that he seems to 'enjoy' things now that he had always hated.
He left because he wanted freedom and no ties, and fell straight into a R with OW. So much for freedom.
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I only wish I knew the answer to that. My H has NC with me or our S as of 2 weeks ago, BD 3 months ago and he has cut us off completely financially so I would have to say he is very happy in his new life with OW. H doesn't even care if his S has a roof over his head or food to eat. Very disturbing and very sad for my son.
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I have noticed as well, that he seems to 'enjoy' things now that he had always hated.
Glimmer,
I am seeing alot of this behaviour too.
Not sure what it means......
Heartbroken,
My H has cut off all finances too. My H spends on other people, yet denies his kids everything. I just think it is H way of keeping his friends and portraying that he is not a bad guy.
HUGs
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Re read affair down and the woman scorned articles. They are in REPLAY+FANTASY LAND. Pretend in their heads they took some BAD ACID and they are TRIPPING :o :o
There is NO REAL HAPPINESS in their 'grace is greener' world. Have FAITH :) You'll see. Leave the teenager brained H to crash and burn on his own so we don't get blamed 8) Again LOL
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::) I meant 'Grass is greener" world......But we have 'GRACE is Greener' on OUR side. Like a Nike commercial " Just Do IT" 8)
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Interesting Tsunami,
I also wonder at this, in fact I often ask other people what they think of him, whether he is happy and contented? Mostly, the answers are 'he seems ok, pretty normal to me'. When I ask my kids , they say - oh, he's normal, joking around,seems to be happy.
When I see him, he definitely doesn't seem happy, but I am beginning to think it is because he is in my presence. I ask him if he is OK and he always gives me a standard 'I'm fine' almost daring me to say otherwise, very defensive! or like yesterday, I asked if was better from his tonsillitis/thrush/cold from the week before and although he was sniffling/coughing when he answered, he turned his back on me and said "I am 100%!" :o :o
He then paid a five minute visit to the house and left on his motorbike, ten minutes later it started to pour with rain - I guess it rained on his parade :-\
So I am curious as to what his real state of mind is...
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I only see my ex at work these days and I think most people think he seems fine. They do agree though that he looks terrible (bags under the eyes, gaunt and looking ten years older - ironically he looked young for his age before!). He is always very jolly with everyone (over jolly I think). However, he was always very good at not showing his real feelings. He hated family occasions but noone but me ever realised as he put such a good front on appearing to be enjoying it all. I therefore find it quite difficult to tell if he is genuinely happy or just faking it. However, his appearance does rather give him away.
As Glimmer says, he now seems to enjoy things he didn't like before and doesn't like things that he used to like. I think it's just a desperate attempt to reinvent themselves.
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Mitz,
I think the MLCer can put on the "mask" for others - pretty easily. They can act like they are happy, enjoying themselves.
When they are around us - I don't think they show their depression or unhappiness just because they are around us....although I'm sure my H feels guilt and shame.....
I think WE see the unhappiness - because we know THEM better than anyone else. That is one of the reasons they don't want to be around us. They know that we can see through the mask and they don't want to be found out.
That is just my take on it.
Hugs,
L
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Hi
Like I said earlier, he now enjoys things he never did before, and vice versa.
For example he now apparently watches X Factor, he went to a Eurovision Song Party last weekend, and loves clothes shopping!!! He always used to say he would rather have all his teeth pulled out when any of the above were mentioned. A lot of his 'favourite' meals that I used to cook for him, he says he can no longer eat them, or he doesn't like them. A couple of weeks ago he texted the girls to say he was eating fish fingers (which he used to hate) and watching Britains got Talent. I guess it's all part of becoming the opposite, unless that is all OW is capable of cooking!.
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Late last night, I read on here somewhere that LBS's feel as if our spouses walked and they are out there in the world enjoying themselves. Are they really enjoying themselves? Are they totally miserable? Are they faking it as if they are having a good time? Or do they THINK they are enjoying themselves; because they are in deep denial?
They are totally miserable; but hiding it from everyone; but the LBS; on whom they have placed all of the blame for their misery; if that makes sense. I mean, think about it; their mind is a whirlwind of emotions; they are trying to find themselves, and the pressure within is enormous as their issues cry out to be seen; this pressure increases as the issues cry out even more; and they keep running from them.
It has been said by various LBS' many times; that the MLC'er is "nice to everyone but me"; and even I had been on the receiving end of this. They will tell you they are "happy" even while they are spewing. Yet, on the other hand; they are fighting a battle within; that no one can see/experience; but THEM.
MLC'ers/Transitioners experience an emotional and spiritual battle that only they can fight; and it makes them miserable; this is the reason for looking to outside sources to make them feel better; only after a time, these don't work; and the pain and misery continues within....appearances always deceive, especially during MLC.
Some of it CAN show on the outside; evidenced by them looking terrible; even as they insist they are doing what they want to do for the first in their lives; and they will insist they are happy; but since you know them; you know they are lying through their teeth.
They may wear the mask; put on a front for others; but deep within; they are hurt, angry, confused; and searching for something on the outside they will never find; unless they begin to look within and start to work things out within themselves.
They may deny that something is wrong, even to themselves; but the fact is; they are AWARE of all they are doing to hurt their spouse and their families; with their actions/speech. And this adds to their misery; because they KNOW what they are doing; and they know what they are doing is wrong; they're not stupid; they've allowed the crisis to overtake them; making decisions that will affect them for the rest of their lives.
Make no mistake, there is war being waged within each person that goes through the tunnel; and you can't see it clearly; because it is within them; and try as they might to hide it; eventually it does come out as they lash out against the LBS; who knows them better than anyone does; and the LBS cannot be fooled; whereas everyone else can...simply because everyone else doesn't live with the MLC'er; and you can't know a person unless you live with them for a period of time.
The MLC affair, if going on, is not the bed of roses; there are so many thorns, it's unreal; and the MLC'er is not having a good time at all; the OW/OM is just as damaged, if not worse, than the MLC'er; and there is much drama that goes on; again that is not seen. The MLC'er may turn a blind eye to it for awhile; but eventually, the true colors of the OW/OM that has been chosen is seen; and then the problems starts of how to get out of it with the least amount of damage.
Nothing in their lives will go right as long as they continue the destructive path they are walking; and the running behaviors they are engaged in; because they WILL reap what they sow in heartache, misery, and loss.
Depression is key to the whole crisis; one cannot be "happy" if depressed; and every MLC'er I have seen/dealt with; has been this way; they may smile; but it doesn't reach their eyes; and it never will until they deal with themselves as they should.
They are completely unhappy with themselves, that's for sure; so how could they be happy with their circumstances? They CAN'T; and the mask of denial only lasts for awhile; before it slips; and at times, falls off completely, showing a person who is the total opposite of what was known.
I hope this helps. :)
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This was a nice surprise to see you on here again HB. Welcome back.
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Like I said earlier, he now enjoys things he never did before, and vice versa.
This is one of the hallmarks of the crisis; the MLC'er becoming the opposite of the person you knew before; what was once hated, is now loved; and what was once loved, is now hated.
For example, my husband literally hated pizza; but during the crisis; he claimed he loved it....that was one change he brought out with him; he still loves and eats pizza, tacos; things a teenager would normally eat.
Before the crisis; he was a fairly gentle, even tempered man; although controlling; but during the crisis; he became the total opposite, hateful, selfish; and self serving...and even worse controlling/manipulating; not caring who he ran over; just as long as he got what he wanted.
These aspects left, in time, thank goodness, and were replaced by a more balanced individual; who stands up for himself; but is very respectful of me; and he needs to be; I stood for him; and I don't take any prisoners, nor do I take any crap from him.
The opposite behavior can change back; although some aspects can stay with the person as they become what they were meant to be as they finish the crisis.
But becoming the total opposite of the person you once knew; in the way of speech, clothes, eating habits, etc. is not uncommon; they will insist, if asked; they have always liked whatever you're asking them about; but you know what's true; and you know their perception has undergone a change for the opposite direction in the majority of things compared with what they did or even acted before.
Again and again; I have seen evidence of MLC'ers becoming the opposite of what they were before the crisis; and this is part of their growth; although it is painful to see and experience.
Yet, assuming they choose to return to the marriage; the total opposite behavior will wind down; and they will reconcile with both sides; and become balanced within themselves...as they learn Life's Lessons, becoming the person they were meant to be as a result of the crisis.
That's assuming they allow the crisis to mold and shape them; and they deal with their issues and grow through it.
I hope this helps. :)
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HB ..I've got to tell you YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH I NEEDED TO HEAR THAT JUST NOW 8) Thanks you sooo much. All of it. Perfect timing. 8)
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I second MB, HB, that was beautifully written and inspirational!
My H, the straight-laced professor that doesn't drink alcohol, caffeinated coffee, and any kind of "real" food (okay, that's critical of me, but he's a health food nut, and I'm not!) took up chewing tobacco...
Of course, though, he would say the same thing about me changing. I think there are parts of ourselves that we negotiate in any relationship that come out when we're alone. I always bowed to him, so he is shocked that I take time to exercise and run with friends, that I listen to top 40 and hip hop music, and wear nice clothes when I go out--all things I was never able to do for myself when he was around. So I am sure some of that exists for them, as well.
But the tobacco thing was just weird, I actually don't mind it, so I never tempered that in him...
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I'm loving Truth Darts. I think I'll go to Target and get a real dart board to practice and GAL> 8) Asking permission to take Ds to a motel w/ OW? :o :o
That is Rich.. NIce try pal. And then he listened to all the truth darts.
Miserable... looking for answers. Processing. Sweating. Pale. Shakey..but "happy"
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I don't think my H is happy. He will not speak to me on the phone or see me in person. Only transactional e-mail allowed. He is hiding from me.
He confessed to me a week after he left (4 mos. ago) that the sense of relief he had at leaving was gone 30 minutes after he moved into his own apartment. This confession, I now know, came from my "real" H, not the alien one.
Of course he quickly cycled back into monster and two weeks after that told me he was "not ready to come running back to me." But he looked awful that day. Agitated and kind of wild-eyed. A couple of weeks later he went on a ski trip (with family, not OW) and posted pix on FB. I saw the pix because a family member of mine is still linked to him, and he looked kind of possessed. You could tell he was trying to look happy for the pictures but looked horrid. My SIL who went on the ski trip, told me he acted odd and depressed the whole time. By that time he had been away from me for over a month. She also said he had gained quite a bit of weight quickly. I know he stopped running (long-distance, not Replay!)
BUT, he accidentally pocket-dialed me from work a couple of months after that. He had never changed the speed dial on his Blackberry. I could hear him talking; he was in a meeting. He had no idea I could hear. He sounded like his cheery, business-person self. A mask I think. Also, SIL told me that at a recent family party (I am no longer invited, of course) he seemed "normal" to her. Making jokes and such. So they do put on different fronts for different audiences.
Also, I have an LBS friend (not on this site; she has chosen not to stand) and her H went on a trip with OW and then told my friend he would have had a better time with her (W). He also breaks into tears around her for no reason. They have a young child, so have regular contact for pick-up and drop-off, unlike me, who only gets typed letters and the rare e-mail. My H won't even sign his name, just types it. Also NO civilities of ANY KIND from my H. No "How are you?" "take care" nothing of that nature.
This thread is comforting. Blessings to all.
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BirdHouseinmySoul, you sound very wise.... your husband will probably come around, but it won't be soon. Do something nice for yoursel every day!! You'll be surprised at how different things are in a few months... not necessarily GOOD, but different and maybe better, LOL!! ((hugs)) LG
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Thanks for sharing your thoughts everyone.
Most importantly, thank you Hearts Blessing for doing a drive-by and telling it like it is, we all appreciate reading your words of wisdom.
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Hi Bird, Don't worry. He's in the thick of that stupid tunnel. God's got it. My H who seems cycle city right now has his head up his a** now also. BD OW 2-14-11
Steven Spielberg is directing them. They think "Since I told my FEW friends that my W was making me unhappy. I better look happy or what I just did (ABANDON) will look really mean and selfish." :-[
"If I look HAPPY they will think I was correct" :)
"I am not real. OW is not REAL."
Please know that you are not at fault and H is seeing his misery but like a teenager who took the parent's car out w/out permission he knows when he brings it back he's grounded. So They are running around like a**holes trying to think of what to do next. Plus "Where's my keys where's my socks?" on top of that. :) I don't for one minute think that my H who sent me cards that said "It took me 35 years to find you I'll never let you Go" (throughout our marriage)
would just happen to run down the street and CRASH right smack into his SOULMATE ::) ::) You don't have to be Colombo to figure this out :)
If we be strong Lighthouses they look over at us and wonder ::) ::)
"WTF What is it about her? Why did I leave? What if she leaves? I am scared. Where are my keys and socks?" :) PEACE
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I only see my ex at work these days and I think most people think he seems fine. They do agree though that he looks terrible (bags under the eyes, gaunt and looking ten years older - ironically he looked young for his age before!). He is always very jolly with everyone (over jolly I think). However, he was always very good at not showing his real feelings. He hated family occasions but noone but me ever realised as he put such a good front on appearing to be enjoying it all. I therefore find it quite difficult to tell if he is genuinely happy or just faking it. However, his appearance does rather give him away.
As Glimmer says, he now seems to enjoy things he didn't like before and doesn't like things that he used to like. I think it's just a desperate attempt to reinvent themselves.
Oh boy Chrysallis, I could have written this! but then you know my story too.... I have recently shown a photo of my H I took on 6 May to family and friends and they look at me in disbelief! OMG they say, is that happiness!! he looks dreadful!
My H is so "happy" that OW got on his nerves with her moodiness and pressure to clear out our home of his possessions...now everything has changed - he's now back with OW and wanting to clear our his possessions. My H actually said those words to me that Glimmer said "When I left I had to reinvent myself" he's certainly succeeded everything about him has changed from his comfy slippers he loved to these flip-fop Isotoners?, to wearing oversized jackets that look far too big and very trendy glasses.....he has become a stranger.... how can he be happy when his Son has told him he never wants to see him again and is ashamed to call him his Father? From the way he talks, acts, and looks I cannot believe that this is the man I loved and married.....
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Thanks, everybody, for your insights. HB, it is always so comforting to read your thoughts. LG: I'm trying to follow your advice about self-care. MB: I love "Where are my keys and socks?" LOL. Have a great day, everyone!
BH
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My H looks awful most of the time too. He seems to have given up regular shaving (guess tramps'r'us likes a little bit of not-so-designer stubble or something) It actually makes him look unclean and ,with his dark rimmed glasses, a bit pervy too. He was always fresh-faced and handsome when we were together, but as Roald Dahl said, it is impossible to tell what a man with a hairy beard looks like, or perhaps he would rather you did not know. Hiding his face in shame perhaps?
His eyes still often give the MLC game away - either they seem clear but with an evil "monster" glint in them, or they look dead like he is staring into the distance even when you are right next to him. I have seen photos that OW took of him and he is always gazing at the camera looking pathetically infatuated but in a kind of desperate way - it looks wimpy and not his genuine "love" face - although he would tell you it is. I have also heard him talk to her and his voice gets all syrupy and fake. I wonder how long he can sustain talking to someone like that? In my lighter moments it actually makes me laugh because he is so pathetic that he is not even the sort of man I would be interested in right now - and OW thinks she has won some sort of prize - the prize was the pre-MLC H and she never even knew him then. I got his best and she is getting nothing but an incredibly desperate and poor imitation of the the man he was... and actually, if he stays like that, she can keep him. ;D
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Ok, well I just heard this morning that my husband spent the weekend at OW's because he felt sorry for her because her car broke down and he didn't want her to be stranded all weekend..... then he told me he hates her, can't stand her.... she's got a "tone" in her voice..... a "TONE".... and a way of speaking that reminds him of his MOTHER! ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D He told me she is abusive and using him because she thinks he "owes" her for moving her into an apartment she can't afford on her own but that he doesn't care anymore... she can take responsibility for HER PART IN IT!!
Just documented it all over on my thread, but wanted to share it HERE because I always wondered it the affair was about his R with his Mother, and it ISSSSSS!!!! How fun can that be? It's NOT!! He called her a pain in the a** and some other things, too.... in the past it would have been more posturing and fleeting.... then the "feelings" for her would return, but I'm getting a clearer picture now of where it all started and where it's headed.... straight to the DUMP cuz it stinks to high heaven!
NO, they are not having any fun..... and by the way, my husband has developed GOUT, ACID REFLUX and now ULCERS which he attributes to "self imposed STRESS".... that's right... he knows it's his mess and it's taking it's toll. So, again, they're not having fun.
Oh, and this morning I noticed his underwear had holes all in it and the elastic waist was torn halfway off.... and not from wild sex, either as he didn't have time to do laundry before coming home so this was a "fresh" pair..... I don't even think he notices! His hair looks awful, he's gained 20 pounds (so have I... plus the gray hair) his hair is turning gray.....never shaves anymore...doesn't sleep... yep. Sounds like fun to me!
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LG - it is so strange how entangled they become - my H signed a 3 year lease with OW (they moved in a week after he left me and they had known each other for about 3 months) - watch him try to get out of that. I wonder if my H's R has to do with his mother too. She has always been a very forceful person in his life and he has never stood up to her. It is hard to imagine that that will ever happen the way he is now - that he will stand up to OW and to his M.
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Forgot to tell you all that when I was "packing his suitcase up to come home" with all his shirts I'd ironed!!!! (more fool me) I couldn't believe the different clothes I found.... it was like a suitcase you'd open at an airport, do you know what I mean? like looking through a stranger's case....
Also my H never put socks and underpants away....ever! Now he wears socks with the day of the week on them (OMG) and he won't wear a pair that isn't the right day of the week! unbelievable... he folded his underwear and carefully put his socks together... it was so OCD I couldn't believe it....
H had changed so very much....physically and internally - I could barely breathe around him sometimes, it was like walking on eggshells most of the time. I just didn't realise that a person could "change" so very much in 6 months.....
Fox xx
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Isn't it funny, how they are so happy but look so awful. My H has lost weight, I don't think he can possibly be eating properly, yet he tells me he always eats healthily.
His hair is thinning on top and is now 50% grey, and he isn't a good colour at all. He just looks completely exhausted the whole time, and more often than not he is close to falling asleep every time he is here. There is always something wrong with him. usually it is stomach pains or upsets, he doesn't know why his stomach is always 'off, and he suffers from migraines. Could be a tiny little bit of stress do you think :-\ or not eating properly, or just plain guilt for what he is putting his family through, but he hasn't worked that out yet. He thinks he may have a stomach ulcer.
It couldn't possibly have anything to do with the hundreds of miles he travels each week, trying to keep his two parallel lives running as smoothly as he can, or the fact that he has to constantly remember which head he is wearing at any given time. It's a piece of cake really, no pressure at all.
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Fox, where do you even buy sock with the days of the week on them and why would you want that? Just to torture yourself? :o
Glimmer.... my husband travels hundreds of mile for BUSINESS and then additional hundreds of miles back and forth between OW and me, although it's becoming more time with me and the kids than with her.... it's starting to dawn on him that she's not worth it and is dragging him down in a major way. The parallel lives is the weirdest thing EVER!! How they sign leases and get bank accounts and have bills that are sent to the other address, yet the new box of checks has our address on it, all of his stuff is here.... they are living a Lifetime Movie channel episode where the airline pilot has two separate families for 20 years and then when he dies, the wives and kids meet at the funeral, LOL!!
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LG,
We live in England and OW will have bought them for him from a store called NEXT... he always hated his socks not being easily identified (apparently he told me) so she'll have got him "just the thing"..... makes her look as though she's thought about his every need doesn't it? The love and attention (even to his feet) that I NEVER gave him... ::)
Fox xx
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In the past 24 hours, I've been able to read communication from two different MLCers....actually one who is through MLC and one who is not yet.....one male and one female.
What stood out is a word that each of them used to describle how they feel/felt......alone.
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In the past 24 hours, I've been able to read communication from two different MLCers....actually one who is through MLC and one who is not yet.....one male and one female.
What stood out is a word that each of them used to describle how they feel/felt......alone.
DGU
How is it you were able to read communication from these MLCers? Just curious.
I agree the MLCer feels very alone as my H continues to call when he's not with OW. It's clear he feels alone and not happy. Otherwise why continue to call and hide the fact you are calling from the OW? If it's such a "healthy and loving" relationship for which they threw their life away for?
There is no longer any doubt in my mind they are NOT have a wonderful life. The fantasy is quickly becoming reality and it stinks. Or should I say skanks... >:( >:(
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I especially love this thread. I like to read things like "My H is soooo Happy now his 30 days worth of vicodin only lasts 15 days" and "he's soooooo Happy he needed a cigarette last week when leaving to smoke on the way to buy cigarettes"
He is biting his nails and eating rolaids and did I mention he hasn't called or seen or asked about his Ds 9 and 11 in 8 days. Now if that's not HAPPY I don't know what is. :) :) :) :) :)
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"The best line was the first line. Then I spent the rest of my life trying to recapture that moment" - A friend of Ready's talking about his addiction to cocaine.
An alcoholic drinking problem is not a simple issue. It is a combination of social interactions and chemical processes that creates the addiction. An addict continues with the behavior even though they know they are destroying their own lives.
Our MLCers want to avoid emptiness and the pain that accompanies the emptiness by seeking happiness. They chase happiness like when I was a child playing in the sprinklers and I tried to catch the rainbow made by the water as it sprayed in the air. It was fun to do, but I never caught the rainbow.
The MLCer is chasing happiness and even may state they are happy. But inside, the same issues are there and they are like a coke addict. Maybe this line will take them to the happy place forever. But the high fizzles and the addict needs another line, and another line. The rainbow is there, but they can never catch it.
I don't focus on my w's happiness or unhappiness. I even ask her how she feels and she states, "I'm fine." Even when I don't ask her, "I'm fine. I'm fine." The words roll off her tongue in a defense of the walls that she has built to seperate herself from me.
The only advice I can bring to this is that it is not the pursuit of happiness by the MLCer, it is learning to achieve contentment of our own lives with or without the spouse. Happiness is like love, it is a fleeting feeling that comes and goes. Contentment is a stronger feeling that comes from realization of one's own personal self. It is of acceptance and based upon love. It comes from within and not regulated by outside forces.
Both the MLCer and the LBSer seek unattainable happiness. They seek happiness by running to something new and we stand around feeling that as soon as they return, happy days will be here again. Both are fantasies.
The LBSer has the upper advantage. We are able to look at ourselves and make the purposeful changes necessary to redirect ourselves and seek contentment. Ours is a transition. Changing a flight midway to our destination. You get off the plane and you want to make sure you can get to the right gate at the right time. You sit and wait to make your connection.The MLCer misses the flight completely. Sitting in the airport fuming and blaming everyone but themselves.
I really think that we waste too much time pondering happiness when we really should be pondering contentment and acceptance of ourselves. ((((Hugs))) and just my kind of lost words and rambling.
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Ready, You are a wonderful writer. Taking me back in time to the sprinlker. I can even smell the mud and grass. 8)Oh forget it my dog just came into the room. :o
I think that I always have been content and happy inside and out. I think it attracted my H to me. I guess his addictions to other things has lead him astray.
It's like a Shakesperean Tragedy.
I will be fine without H!!! I know that. You know that>H knows that.
I just always felt like this saying I saw once on a bank tellers ledge "In life it's not where you go or what you do. It's who you SIT NEXT TO"
I wanted to SIT NEXT TO MY H :'( So "you can't always get what you want...but if you try sometimes.....you get what you need..." 8)
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Truth Seeker
One is my friend who is an LBS and shares communication and insights with me. The other is someone who I am able to connect with online and am familiar with his story.
Each of these situations has helped me see in more depth the reality of MLC. The man said he felt alone and unlovable....truly did not feel like his wife loved him while in the midst of the MLC.
My friend's ex-wife's communication has bits and pieces of several things. She feels alone.....not certain of what direction to take because of damaged relationships. It's possible she is entering (or has entered) withdrawal. She told my friend several weeks ago that she regrets what she's done.....and her communication with him reflects her awareness of her choices these damages.
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Ready,
Very good analogies.
My H had previous alcohol and drug addictions. (Who am I kidding....he is an addict/alcoholic). Cocaine was his drug of choice. I boggles my mind that, with all that has happened over the last 1-2 years, he has not gone back to drugs/alcohol. (He got "sober" in 1986). Maybe he has? But, I sense that he hasn't. At BD he told me that he felt his sobriety was "at risk." He used this as one of his excuses to leave - as if I, in some way, threatened his sobriety. I spent a few months feeling guilty about this. Silly, huh?
Your quote from the addict really hit the nail on the head. I think that is completely right. The addict got this extreme high from his first experience and continued to seek that same high over and over again. But, it takes more and more of the drug to reach that "high", until you can no longer get there. Actually, they try to get that "high" but it is unattainable. It takes rock bottom - for the addict to accept that their life is unmanageable.....and only the addict knows what rock bottom is.
Chasing rainbows......yep - that's it.
Limitless
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Ready, you really do write beautifully.
As I've poured out in my own thread, this is a big issue. I look and just see him having the "perfect" life. Like so many say, with everything but me in it.
The MLCer is chasing happiness and even may state they are happy. But inside, the same issues are there and they are like a coke addict. Maybe this line will take them to the happy place forever. But the high fizzles and the addict needs another line, and another line. The rainbow is there, but they can never catch it.
I've often said this about my H; I've watched him try to grab the golden ring for 4 years. This time he seems more secure in it.... lots of practice??
The only advice I can bring to this is that it is not the pursuit of happiness by the MLCer, it is learning to achieve contentment of our own lives with or without the spouse. Happiness is like love, it is a fleeting feeling that comes and goes. Contentment is a stronger feeling that comes from realization of one's own personal self. It is of acceptance and based upon love. It comes from within and not regulated by outside forces.
YES. Exactly. Not focus on their lives, but on our own.
I really think that we waste too much time pondering happiness when we really should be pondering contentment and acceptance of ourselves.
And that's it. My H even once asked "what did our parents worry about?" Well, they survived the war, so being fed and being able to raise their families about covered it. They didn't long for any sort of grand happiness that our mlc-ers seem to feel entitled to.
A very timely reminder to me, Ready.
x
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Ready
Happiness is like love, it is a fleeting feeling that comes and goes. Contentment is a stronger feeling that comes from realization of one's own personal self. It is of acceptance and based upon love. It comes from within and not regulated by outside forces.
Very eloquently put - it seems so obvious to those of us not in crisis. I remember having several convos last year with H about this topic (me= clueless about MLC). H saying, "are you happy?" me saying "sometimes, but mainly I am content". H saying "don't you want to be happy?" me saying "happiness is a feeling, it is fleeting, it comes and goes, like other feelings, contentment is a state of being that allows for all the feelings normal to everday life to flit by, but means that underlying it I am glad that this is my life". H, looking annoyed, confused and a bit disgusted with this response.
It is so strange that people have this idea of being permanently happy, like that could even represent the complexity of life. I know I have a melancholy streak, but nonetheless, I think I would have to kill myself if everyone walked around in a state of permanent "happiness" - can you imagine the inane grins on everyone's faces? It would be like some parallel universe. How can a world which is impermanent, which encapsulates good and bad, wealth and poverty, sickness and health, life and death, be addressed with a face of constant happiness? Where is the depth in that? What possible good could someone who is blind to the full gamut of feelings and emotions possibly do in this world? What wisdom could they give or gain? Contentment with life seem to me to be the highest goal, not happiness which is blind to much of reality. Contentment allows for acceptance of the unpredictability of life. Happiness requires us to be blind to it for a moment or two.
I have had a couple glasses of wine with my Mum this evening - does it show? :P
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Another angle I see in my H is that when he started being depressed he turned to me to fix it. I didn't know. In hindsight it was kind of like when you read about new fathers being jealous of all the attention the new baby gets. ::)
Even though ours Ds are 9 and 11 they totally consumed our forties. H just had this sense of entitlement like "what about me?" Now he can have all of ugly ows attention. Me and the girls are busy doing our lives without him. :'( (for now) 8)
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I read the bit about seeking contentment as meant for us, the LBSs.... we, too, must remember that the holy grail is contentment, not that rush of happiness when our spouse "returns". Of course we all hope and wish for that, and a number here do have their spouse turning the corner and staying with the marriage, but I think Ready meant that it is US who must remember not to aim only for that rush of happiness.
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I usually start each and every day with a rush of happiness. Well until all of this MLC stuff. THEN AS THE TROUBLES OF LIFE ROLL IN WE ROLL WITH THE PUNCHES. AS BEST AS WE CAN.
I TRULY BELIEVE IF H DOESN'T COME BACK IT IS HIS LOSS. NOT MINE 8)
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StandandDeliver
I have also had conversations with my H regarding happiness. At BD when he announced he was leaving because 'he just wanted to do things for himself', I asked him if he was happy. His reply at the time was 'I am not particularly unhappy, just not happy'. Like you I can imagine what we would all look like in a permanent state of happiness. Not to mention the aching jaw from all that smiling.
On the other hand a few months ago during a R talk initiated by H, (as they always are), I asked him again if he was happy. His answer this time was 'Not really'. So he has given up his family and his home, to spend most of his spare time with OW, and it sounds as if he is more unhappy than he was before. Just part of MLC logic I suppose.
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My H went through quite a long period of not really being happy, of saying that his life was out of balance (this was already over 2 years post BD); it's only now that he says he is "truly happy ", having met OW5.
I, as an LBS, am at risk of "believing it all", as RCR says, even after all this time. I have no idea what is really happening (and yes, I do remember that he was just that nuts about me at one point), so the only thing to do is to pull back, pull back, pull back.
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The MLCer is chasing happiness and even may state they are happy. But inside, the same issues are there and they are like a coke addict. Maybe this line will take them to the happy place forever. But the high fizzles and the addict needs another line, and another line. The rainbow is there, but they can never catch it.
I don't focus on my w's happiness or unhappiness. I even ask her how she feels and she states, "I'm fine." Even when I don't ask her, "I'm fine. I'm fine." The words roll off her tongue in a defense of the walls that she has built to seperate herself from me.
The only advice I can bring to this is that it is not the pursuit of happiness by the MLCer, it is learning to achieve contentment of our own lives with or without the spouse. Happiness is like love, it is a fleeting feeling that comes and goes. Contentment is a stronger feeling that comes from realization of one's own personal self. It is of acceptance and based upon love. It comes from within and not regulated by outside forces.
Both the MLCer and the LBSer seek unattainable happiness. They seek happiness by running to something new and we stand around feeling that as soon as they return, happy days will be here again. Both are fantasies.
The LBSer has the upper advantage. We are able to look at ourselves and make the purposeful changes necessary to redirect ourselves and seek contentment. Ours is a transition. Changing a flight midway to our destination. You get off the plane and you want to make sure you can get to the right gate at the right time. You sit and wait to make your connection.The MLCer misses the flight completely. Sitting in the airport fuming and blaming everyone but themselves.
I really think that we waste too much time pondering happiness when we really should be pondering contentment and acceptance of ourselves. ((((Hugs))) and just my kind of lost words and rambling.
Dear Ready,
Wise words indeed :) The only words my H seemed to say all the time was "I'm not happy" ; "I'm unhappy"; "nobody sees it from my point of view" "OW makes me happy" etc., etc., It's all about happiness isn't it? I don't remember my H (even at his most vile over Easter and the week following) saying "I don't love you" or "I love OW" - Love doesn't seem to come into it - it's this "happy" thing, like a drug or something and something that only THEY are owed... no-one else's happiness matters from the LBS to their children...it seems to be about making OW/OM happy and their families..... Not the people who have devoted their lives to their marriages.
One of the reasons my H gave me for "dumping" OW at Easter was that OW was moody and would sulk for a whole day and when H asked her what was wrong she would say nothing to do with you.... that made him "unhappy" amazing...only lived with her for 5 months and already OW is making him "unhappy"......
I would love to know when I'm going to be happy again.... :-[
Love and hugs
Fox xxxx
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I would love to know when I'm going to be happy again.... :-[
I know how you feel. My H has been gone for 6 months now but I can say I became happy when I no longer put the focus on H & OW but instead put it back on me and my kids. Granted, I haven't been at this nearly as long as a lot of others but I have learned from what I've read here and taken the advice of the wise veterans ahead of me. When you start doing things for YOU and choose your thoughts on the positive (however small), you WILL start to find some happiness.
I love to laugh, always have but until this happened to me I never realized how much I loved to laugh. Make time to laugh. Go outside and breath the fresh air. Pray, meditate, play and hang out with your friends and family. I promise you'll feel better and it will have a trickle affect on your life. I am now a STRONG believer in we get what we put out. Put out positive thoughts and whenever you get the urge to go to the negative, redirect your thoughts to the positive. Keep doing it and practicing it. I have mantras whenever I catch myself going to the negative. Develop your own mantra.
Hope this helps. Believe me we know how you feel but only you can change your circumstances. No one else can do it for you.
Much love to you.
TS
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But what if your h says.... he is blissfully happy? Never sees the children and no job. No responsibilities also.
Can it really be true? Or is it just another way to justify to himself (outloud) that he made the correct decision to leave w and children? I can't believe it still. I told him he was infatuated and real love is the love that takes a long time to cultivate and through the good times and bad times. What is he and other mlc smoking??????
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My H keeps saying he is happy. I ask him if he is still happy in his situation with OW... He says yes.
He loves his job. It's his dream job that he got about 3 years ago. And he has not bought a new sports car.
and is not mean to me.. This is why I sometime doubt MLC.. But, I know from reading things here that he
is masking the real deal.
I always tell him he is just in that Honeymoon stage with OW.. Because he doesn't do anything he use to do and love. Like his hobbies and computer stuff. All of his stuff is here still. What will it be like when normal life sets in. Will they still like each other? or is that when he starts thinking about coming back? Hmmmm. just crazy stuff.
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Ibelieve, you do have to remember that not everyone has ALL the same negatives. I have a hard time when I read all the obvious affair down scenarios. In so many ways, my H picked someone who is better than me, smarter, prettier, younger, she was some kind of beauty pageant winner, even and has a PhD... BUT, she was still willing to have an affair with a married father--no matter how pretty or smart, something is not right inside. And my H is not horribly mean either--but it's still MLC, he is not himself, I know that for sure.
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But what if your h says.... he is blissfully happy? Never sees the children and no job. No responsibilities also.
Can it really be true? Or is it just another way to justify to himself (outloud) that he made the correct decision to leave w and children? I can't believe it still. I told him he was infatuated and real love is the love that takes a long time to cultivate and through the good times and bad times. What is he and other mlc smoking??????
My H has said he was "happy" but I know my H as I'm sure you know yours. If he's so happy why keep calling my S and asking about me? What we're up to then calling me every time OW is not around. He does have responsibilities to us and I have held him to those as much as I can legally. But he is damaged right now and don't want him infecting my kids -no matter their age. I can't control him but I can control myself. I know the truth - good, bad and indifferent. I chose my name for a reason. ;) ;)
Does an addict look "happy" to you? Because they are not even as they tell you they are. Eventually their body tells you otherwise. The eyes say so much without saying a word. Their behavior, demeanor and arrogance is very telling if we pay close attention.
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Ibelieve, you do have to remember that not everyone has ALL the same negatives. I have a hard time when I read all the obvious affair down scenarios. In so many ways, my H picked someone who is better than me, smarter, prettier, younger, she was some kind of beauty pageant winner, even and has a PhD... BUT, she was still willing to have an affair with a married father--no matter how pretty or smart, something is not right inside. And my H is not horribly mean either--but it's still MLC, he is not himself, I know that for sure.
Some of the dumbest people I have ever met and known have had PhD's and some of the smartest have barely a high school education. As you said it doesn't matter their education, their looks (which will eventually fade), their age (we ALL get older) there's something not right inside. I know a woman who's a received her Psychology PhD from Harvard and she's one of the most insecure people I know. She's perpetually reliving her college years like she's still in a sorority. Always having R trouble. She works with OCD and stress disorders yet she can't handle her own life very well. :o :o To me she's still an affair down. You can pretty her up but she still has a lot of issues. Sorry, if this sounds harsh or offensive.
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I posted this on another thread.....looks like it might be some good information here as well.
From RCR's article on an affair down:
A Warning
Some of you will dismiss the Affair Down scenario when you learn the alienator is an MBA and has a higher paying job than you or your MLCer. Pond Scum is not an intelligence rating or indicative of educational or career level. A Rocket Scientist employed by NASA can be pond scum; intelligence, educational level or career status are irrelevant. Pond Scum is about mental and emotional instability. Some people compartmentalize well and are brilliant in their professional lives while being unable to maintain a healthy relationship. A caring kindergarten teacher can be an alienator. Emotional and mental instability knows no socio-economic or cultural bounds.
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LOL! Pondscum! Remember this lady? Lisa Marie Nowak
http://www.nytimes.com/2007/02/06/us/06cnd-astronaut.html
Honestly I HOPE she was just having a MLC I would hate to think this is how she normally lives. . . . . :o :o :o
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I think she was just nuts.
LOVE the diaper. Very attractive...
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I'm definitely a newbie here so I'm not "hip" with all the terms but I can tell you the reality of what goes on in "Affairland" while you're apart.
Since the whole affair relationship to begin with is built on fantasy, the MLC'er just doesn't realize that it's not "real". They think the OP really can meet their needs intuitively and perfectly without any effort on their part. They kind of believe that Hollywood myth that the OP is their "soulmate" and they were destined to be together against all odds...you know, the B.S.! LOL :P Anyway, in order to justify it, they paint it in their head as something they couldn't resist and that the Universe is forcing to happen--and if they were to see a kink in that armor, the justification would fall apart....SOOOOO they deny that they are unhappy, that they are hurting their own children, that they are "trading down"...all those things that are so obvious to everyone else!
Meanwhile in "Affairland" the OP is beginning to ever-so-slightly show cracks because now that they are not sneaking the romantic rendezvous fun is lost. All the money he used to spend on her, he now has to pay in CS to his children--or all the compliments she used to give him, she now criticizes why he's not as "romantic". Reality sets in. BILLS set in. They aren't going to get to keep the house and all his paycheck and all her paycheck. This lie is going to COST them and they turn on each other...because he/she was supposed to make them "happy" and they don't realize that happiness is a choice that they make--from within.
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My W is definitely not having fun or is happy from what I see. She looks and acts, by turns, angry, depressed, irritated and melancholy around me and the kids. The only time I can imagine she is 'happy' is when talking with/texting the OM or getting p**sed with her sister.
Affaircare is right, there seems to be some sort of fantasy at play here, whereby the OM is the answer to her prayers, will sweep her off her feet, will take away all the pain and unhappiness, that everything will be like it was when they were younger (he's an ex-bf), etc. If that's what she thinks she wants, she's got to have the balls to come clean and go and get it
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I have always struggled with the idea of an 'affair down'.
My Hs OW is a college tutor, has a Masters degree in politics and runs marathons. Apparently shortly after H first began meeting her through work, she started divorce proceedings and said had been in an abusive marriage. I have no idea how much truth there is in this. She has a 20yr old son and she is the same age as my H 47. My H would have been flattered that someone was paying him attention, and he would have jumped onto his dashing white charger to rescue the damsel in distress. I do sometimes wonder if she herself could be having a MLC.
Whichever way you look at it, she has only ever known my H during his MLC, she has no idea what the 'real' him was like. They are both cheats and liars and will never be able to trust each other completely.
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I have always struggled with the idea of an 'affair down'.
My Hs OW is a college tutor, has a Masters degree in politics and runs marathons. Apparently shortly after H first began meeting her through work, she started divorce proceedings and said had been in an abusive marriage. I have no idea how much truth there is in this. She has a 20yr old son and she is the same age as my H 47. My H would have been flattered that someone was paying him attention, and he would have jumped onto his dashing white charger to rescue the damsel in distress. I do sometimes wonder if she herself could be having a MLC.
Whichever way you look at it, she has only ever known my H during his MLC, she has no idea what the 'real' him was like. They are both cheats and liars and will never be able to trust each other completely.
Glimmer - you could be me exactly - spooky!! OW is a high powered Account Manager - met my H through work - abusive marriage and apparently my H got her to go to the Police and get him out of the house; daughter 21, son 17 - 49 yrs old. H VERY flattered by the attention and being Sir Lancelot - albeit he never protected me from anything. But you are SO RIGHT that she does not know my H at all, he has told lies upon lies about me, our life and our marriage - that is obvious from comments she has come out with in emails I have read.
But the most important thing you said is that they are both cheats and my H has dumped her once after only being with her for 6 months! So that shows staying power doesn't it.....basically he doesn't have any real foundation of respect to build a relationship on - hopefully one day he will realise what he's lost in both me and his Son.....
Incredible the similarities between us isn't it????
Fox xxxxx
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Ibelieve, you do have to remember that not everyone has ALL the same negatives. I have a hard time when I read all the obvious affair down scenarios. In so many ways, my H picked someone who is better than me, smarter, prettier, younger, she was some kind of beauty pageant winner, even and has a PhD... BUT, she was still willing to have an affair with a married father--no matter how pretty or smart, something is not right inside. And my H is not horribly mean either--but it's still MLC, he is not himself, I know that for sure.
Some of the dumbest people I have ever met and known have had PhD's and some of the smartest have barely a high school education. As you said it doesn't matter their education, their looks (which will eventually fade), their age (we ALL get older) there's something not right inside. I know a woman who's a received her Psychology PhD from Harvard and she's one of the most insecure people I know. She's perpetually reliving her college years like she's still in a sorority. Always having R trouble. She works with OCD and stress disorders yet she can't handle her own life very well. :o :o To me she's still an affair down. You can pretty her up but she still has a lot of issues. Sorry, if this sounds harsh or offensive.
Lisa, Truth seeker,
Thanks so much for reminding me of that.. I use to say that all the time, even to H... "How can she be a good person if she stole your Wife from you.. She can't be very decent if it doesn't bother her that she (both of you) turned two families upside down" I had forgotten about that for a while. Needed the reminder. ???