Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: zinger on May 29, 2011, 01:24:33 PM
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Ok I've read TONs of books and articles throughout these last 7 months since BD. I understand psychologically the need for the mlcer to try to self medicate their depression and shed their old persona. I guess I'm curious about ways that someone could go through this life stage in a way that would not do so much damage and would not inherently involve blaming a spouse for the turmoil one feels as he/she enters mlc or mid life transition. I know plenty of people change jobs, find new passions and hobbies. How would a therapist "successfully" treat someone in mlc so as to help them from blowing up their families as so Many seem inclined to do? It seems like the mlcers who have made it thru the tunnel have said "it didnt matter what anyone said to me--i heard what i wanted to hear and i couldnt stop myself." In a hypothetical situation, if a budding mlcer walks into a therApist's office, how would the therapist help him/her go thru the journey without destroying everything in his/her path? Is it even possible?
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A quiz oh goody :) My guess...If they are in the tunnel it's too late. It won't help. Time to do it the hard way. :o
If before BD or after OW is gone...it may help. Especially anti depressants for depression. Just a guess
They are blaming us b/c we are the closest ones in the world to them. They can't blame themselves. They are projecting everything they don't like about themselves onto us TEMPORARILY 8) just a guess.
where's the answer sheet? How'd I do?
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So many questions...
1. No therapist can treat anyone for anything if they don't want to be treated, and especially if they don't see they have a problem.
2. There's a difference between midlife transition and midlife crisis. In a transition, the changes are relatively smooth, and no blaming goes on. In a crisis, the MLCer feels some need for change, but doesn't really know what or how to do it. Blaming the spouse/ job etc is so much easier than blaming yourself. It can feel true, especially if therer has been any friction leading up to BD.
3. Some of the changes they need to make are out of conscious sight, so they need to discover this. I suppose a therapist can help in this process, and in the process of self acceptance and self love, if that's what's needed.
Don't know if this helps....
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What I'm really wondering is if there is a type. I know there are some articles about types, but I admit, they were a little over my head, or something.
I have heard MLCc likened to a narcissistic crisis. But what I really think is that my H was always a narcissist--a fragile one, who came from a narcissistic family. Only I never really figured it out until a couple years before BD. Even after I figured out that his mother was one, it took me another year to figure out the dad and siblings might be, also, but it was several months after BD that I finally faced that maybe my H was.
But the more time I spend here, the more I think more than a small minority of us were married to people higher than average on the narcissistic spectrum. One night I literally awoke out of a dead sleep with a need to google "selfish spouse" and when I did, I found this:
http://www.maritalhealing.com/conflicts/selfishspouse.php
It was a huge eye opener for me, and truly a life saver--I thought I was crazy before I found it, but it explained everything about me and our marriage. And I think that's why I have such a hard time standing. Selfish people seldom change and I can't go back to what we had, I'm stronger than that now...
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From the article Midlife Crisis Takes Time
a Midlife Crisis cannot be prevented. It can be prolonged by an unaccepting LBS. Acceptance can ease it. But once it has begun, the crisis must continue to completion; it is a journey to go through, not get over.
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The selfishness article is interesting. There's a quiz at the end; I reckon H would score moderately on that; He's a critical perfectionist, but never into self agrandisement or using people.
There are types, as RCR has outlined in her newsletters.
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Hi lisa,
If your H has been a narcissist throughout his marriage to you, then I can understand why you feel that way. A narcissist is not the ideal person to have a relationship with.
My H has displayed fairly acute narcissitic traits since MLC started (in fact, at one point i wondered if he might have become a sociopath as he seemed to show such little concern for ANYONE elses feelings. No empathy at all - but my understanding is that a person can't just "become" a sociopath.) But my H was not always like that - he was always career driven, but he always cared about me and my feelings quite deeply until he just stopped. I can see in his youthful behaviour (with hindsight of course) that there were aspects of my H that were very immature and underdeveloped, and that in some ways he lacked "self esteem". But he was always considerate and caring about others in his life and that has changed. I am standing in the sense that I have not tried to have another relationship and I am not actively pursuing divorce (letting him do the work) but I have not decided that I will wait out the whole MLC regardless of how long it takes. And the further I get from BD, the stronger that I feel and the more positive I feel about myself and my direction, the less I actually desire having the negativity of my H back in my life, so it is becoming harder and harder to imagine wanting him back, and of course MLC behaviours - ie blaming me, monster, OW, neglecting very small children (all this narcissism) - make it even harder. I end up thinking that building a new relationship actually MIGHT be better and more positive direction for me despite what others say about roots and history etc. I am giving myself time to work it out....
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S&D, I don't want to make my H out to be horrid. He wasn't, he was caring and supportive, mostly. But in hindsight I see that there was always more than a little selfishness--and a lot of self-serving kindness... Plus, I had no self-esteem, so I enabled that. But after 20 years, we both grew and changed. I still think we could have grown and changed together, but he got more and more self-centered, until MLC, which is all-out NPD...
It's just interesting to me that MLC is always narcissistic, so I can't help but wonder if there has to be a certain amount of it present to trigger the crisis--if people who feel less entitled make the transition better... Thinking out loud today...
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It's just interesting to me that MLC is always narcissistic, so I can't help but wonder if there has to be a certain amount of it present to trigger the crisis--if people who feel less entitled make the transition better... Thinking out loud today...
May be not narcism, but perhaps a modicum of PDs. My H was a perfectionist workaholic, and needed to control everything in his environment. He is not narcissist, though sometimes he gives a good impression of it through this MLC.
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There are a number of mental health diagnosis that can be bolted onto the MLCer. If they had the traits previously they will be enhanced during the crisis.
But the major reason a transition becomes a crisis is about our H/W childhood. At some point their emotional development stalled. At this transition they have to go back to that age and continue to develop their emotional development. If they don't or they don't finish the journey it will be revisited at the retirement transition.
The reason the MLCer blames the spouse is because they have spent many months and often years wondering why they are feeling more and more unhappy. They need justification for their black hole of emotions and guess who is always present......... yep the spouse. What the MLCer doesn't realise is that the common denominator is themselves but they are not ready to look inwardly at themselves. So the spouse is to blame and when OW/OM comes into the fold they rewrite history and justify there abandonment of their spouse and their children. They reason that this is their time now and boy are they going to get all the happiness that has been missing for years and years.
As they leave replay behind they start to realise that it is their internal turmoil that makes them unhappy. But they still have a long way to go even then.
xx
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A long way to go even then... (After they realize?..After OW is gone and they have more depression..?) Too bad they can't see themselves how others are seeing them from afar. I guess it's kinda like an alcoholic. People usually start talking behind their backs. " They drink too much"
But they keep on justifying and putting off thinking about it. Depression again :'( Can't see the forest for the trees. They aren't ready. Fools :o